Ladies, Gentlemen And WHAT IN HEAVEN’S NAME?

Ahem.  I’m not going to say anything.  I’m not even going to ask whose bra that is on the chandelier, I’m just going to go outside and take some deep breaths, and when I come back I want the blog exactly as I left it.  IS THAT CLEAR?

Well, except for Cthulhu roasting on the fire pit, because tentacles are num in a garlic sauce.  Num num num num.  And the bust of Heinlein.  That can stay.  I was going to complain about the pair of panties hanging from his ear, but seriously, he’d probably not complain.

Seriously — con was fun but exhausting.  I keep forgetting it’s organized by college students, until I suddenly find myself not able to eat dinner and with four hours of panels back to back, and then I go “Oh!”

My access failed, I couldn’t post at insty, etc. etc…  a litany of woes, but I had a good dinner with the boys today (even if Marsh made me laugh so suddenly I inhaled broccoli and almost died.)  And now I’m going to take a nap and then do some publishing.

Oh, yeah, for any of you who are curious and who are NOT on facebook.  This came out this weekend:

This is an omnibus of my first published series, back in 2001-2003.  (Fixed, thanks to the Colonel for pointing out I had 1003…)  And  Oh, yeah, it’s indie publishing since it reverted, and it’s same as on webscriptions with minor alterations, but if you’re not a webscriptions user, this will help.  Goldport is my own imprint and some other old stuff will come out from it, once I have time to edit.  The Musketeers’ Mysteries will come from NRP. Warning — it’s not at all like my space opera.  So if you’re going to consider it, download a sample first!

92 thoughts on “Ladies, Gentlemen And WHAT IN HEAVEN’S NAME?

    1. Sir, I do believe she is riding an alternate time stream which flows backwards — like a count down. (A count down to what? If so, I wonder if she will tell us beforehand.)

      Or maybe not, I mean water generally flows from the higher elevations to lower. Oh dear, maybe it is the rest of us who are headed in the wrong direction?

      1. Time-Salmon. Going up-time to… I dunno, spawn at the beginning of the Universe. Because otherwise there’d be no salmon, and who wants to live in a universe without salmon?

        1. The anchovy, herring, etc., upon which they forage? And those who like those fish in various forms from pickled to pizza?

    2. She must do a heckuva lot of vitamins, she doesn’t look a day over 255. . . (eviller grin)

    3. Of course. How can a Science Fiction author write about Shakespeare, unless she does it before his time?

    1. Hey, I was quitely reading, finishing Stephanie Osborn’s forth in her Holmes series…

  1. So, it was a good time, and you mostly remember it, which is a Good Thing.
    And I have been busy over this holiday weekend … among other things, I put together, formatted and put up a new Kindle book, of my blog-posts about Texas … although I really have to get back to the Amazon people, as the whole thing now appears to be in italics!
    If you are coming back to Belton in September, we really do have to meet up.And you HAVE to internalize Texas. My book would be a fairly painless means of doing so. Trust me, it won’t hurt a bit. And you really will enjoy the visit!

    See you in September…

    1. Will The Heart of Texas be in dead tree or will I have to get The Spouse to purchase it for his reader and just give in and read a second book electronically?

  2. Look, I can explain about that bra. Most of the guys have been wondering whose it was, too.

    You see, we were discussing the plot holes in Cinderella and somebody mentioned the absurdity of the prince going around with a glass slipper, trying it on for size with the kingdom’s maidens, and somebody (I would have to review the videorecordings to be sure just who) said, “You know what would make more sense …” after which things got a little out of er, um … hand.

    But I have no doubt that most of the guys (and a few of the gals) are interested in finding the rightful owner of that bra.

      1. Kim, all I know is I was busy trying to break up the ladies sliding down Heinlein’s nose (although he didn’t seem to be complaining) when I heard a sudden outcry from the hall and an exclamation about “not realizing they were so pneumatic!”

        Fancy gloves though wears RES, dear
        So there’s not a trace of red

        1. Don’t look at me… I was too busy keeping the dancing penguins from causing mischief..

            1. Penguins is what I was told they was, and I was not inclined to ask further questions so long as they stayed in unison and out of the aquarium.

    1. BTW, the mystery of the bra pales into significance besides the mystery of who cleaned those suspicious-looking stains off the sofa. If I were a betting man, I’d suspect Cyn.

      1. Ah, I thought Cyn was working on re-wiring and repairing the sound system after the little chant incident. At least, that’s what I thought she said she was doing . . .

      2. huh? huh? I do have a mystery cleaning solution, but I am better at repairing sound systems. At least I have a hubby to do it for me. Or were you talking about me? It is more likely that I was the one chanting.

  3. I had nothing to do with it. I wasn’t even there at the time. And, ah… what size bra is that again? Because, um….

    1. Dorothy, relax: it’s nowhere near your cup size. Don’t ask me how I know this.

    1. SIMPLE? DO you know the complexities involved in getting the police not to press charges? Although come to think of it: the bra may have belonged to the Sheriff, come to think of it.

          1. Was that the bra we discovered had the cavorite mesh lining? I know we had to keep someone in one of those (what was her name – Caileigh? Céilidh?) away from the power plant and she seemed inclined to do whatever it took to look at the innards. If she tossed it aside that may explain how it got up there.

  4. When I did convention programming for ConDor in San Diego, I asked people if they were willing to appear on two panels in a row, and I never put them on three. There are things flesh and blood should not be asked to endure.

    I rather think that program participants who find themselves so heavily scheduled ought to notify the convention that they wish to be rescheduled. Or, if they are handed their schedule when they show up, find the programming office and tell them they won’t attend this panel and this panel, and why; if they can’t get organized to give you advance notice, on their own heads be it. It’s not your job to make an unreasonably heavy schedule work. By doing so, you are only rewarding them for failing to do their jobs properly. It isn’t as if coming up with a schedule that doesn’t overload people were that hard; I never found it so.

    1. Obviously you had a better idea of reality then many who staff a con…

      The young eager ignoramuses that often are naive enough to take on the responsibilities of staffing a con are inclined to want to maximize the use of their guests. Being young and eager they are planning burning the candle at both ends throughout the con themselves. They have yet to encounter that smack down life gives that will unmistakably and irrevocably inform them that they have to eat and sleep on a regular basis or they do function properly — and they are therefore ignorant.

      1. irrevocably inform them that they have to eat and sleep on a regular basis or they do function properly

        They do not function properly. See — I have yet to get proper morning sustenance and what happens?

      2. I felt really bad about missing the Friday programming — but my younger son was late coming home and we weren’t going to leave him behind on Easter Weekend. Simply wasn’t happening — so I tried to go to as many things as possible, but with the best will in the world, we couldn’t. Robert was double-booked on a time slot, for instance. And on Saturday, after five programs and three hours in a row at night (three programs a day is usually my maximum. This is going to sound paltry, but I found years ago it’s enough to drain me. But I had five on Saturday and two one hour and two hour programs between six and nine.) we went to a nearby restaurant to grab a bite (because of the no carb, con suite wasn’t a consideration) and I was SHIVERING something I do with overtiredness/lack of food. I start getting incredibly cold. Yes, I’m weird. Then I ate a few bites, and felt like I was going to fall asleep over the table. So Dan made an executive decision and said “We’re blowing off the eleven pm panel.” And we did.

        1. Good for Dan. Sorry for you, hope you recover fully and quickly without further trouble.

          The Daughter once worked herself to that point of exhaustion at con. We came in as early as we could on Thursday to help with the set up and worked non-stop until quite late. I saw she was feed, insisted she take a hot shower (which barely warmed her) and then tucked her in. I have never seen it before, but I do think she was already fast asleep before her head hit the pillow.

          She returned the favor a couple of years ago when I had gotten severely dehydrated. Snafu in the communications and planning. The new staff suite staff had decided to no longer remain open throughout the day. They simply did not understand why the dealer’s room staff could not come over to the suite during their open hours, which roughly corresponded to the periods surrounding our opening and closings that day.

          1. When I first did convention volunteer work, at Halleycon in the 1980s, my girlfriend and I were told the Law of Five and Two: You must eat two meals a day and sleep five hours a night. I did my best to follow it as long as I did con work.

              1. It’s not as bad anymore, except for gamers. At LC there’s starting to be a gaming contingent, which means periodically we trap younger boy, drag him to the shower, then release him again. (Actually that hasn’t been a problem last few years, since he developed an interest in gurls.)

              2. That wasn’t in the advice we were given then. So you will have to blame our advisor for the omission. I certainly don’t object to adding it—provided, that is, that you will count a bath as a substitute; I detest showers and haven’t taken one in years.

                1. The guidelines given out to our staff call for 5-2-1, for sleep, meals, bathe. We make a similar suggestion in the guide for the guests as well.

                  I am sure that whatever method you prefer for cleaning yourself would be just fine.

                  1. I am sure that whatever method you prefer for cleaning yourself would be just fine.

                    I strongly suggest that, however efficacious the method might be for dogs and cats, licking yourself clean is not an acceptable method of personal hygiene. I recommend getting a friend to do it for you.

                    1. Note that dogs and cats are considerably more flexible than the average human, causing the human to leave much larger areas untended. Also while dogs and cats have no problems cleaning themselves in public, doing so is likely to be detrimental to your career in all but a few specific subgenres.

                    2. I wondering what peoples thoughts are on babywipes. I’ve always found them to be quite refreashing on long camping trips.

      3. And yeah, I turned forty and suddenly my body let me know “It doesn’t matter how close you are to the end, you can’t write for two days straight to finish a book. You WILL fall asleep on the keyboard.”

  5. There was this young lady at Anomaly Con who kept needing “help” retying her corset in the lobby opposite the bar …

    I tried to get a photo but the wife kept bumping my arm at strategic times.

    1. I have staffed the con table in the dealers room at an anime con for a number of years. The table is at the front of the room facing the main hallway of the convention center.

      One year a young lady, who was having ever so much difficulty with her costume, found what she thought was a quiet space behind the dealers room banner. She had ducked behind the banner, while facing out into the hall keeping an eye on the crowd. She must have been quite flustered as it became obvious that she had not notice that there were windows into the room next to the doors … poor thing was making her adjustments right in front of us.

  6. It occurs to me, if you have a chuthulu in the fireplace, and all eldrich gods regenerate without other input, I bet you could make a mean all-you-can-eat squid barbeque chain. Just think of the profit margin!

    1. Oh, good thinking! We’d have to have a large selection of sides, though, to overcome the “Nothing but squid” entre. I suppose we could add the Hydra. Is it just the heads that grow back? Maybe we ought to stick to squid.

      1. Better than that. If you can get the initiating temperature high enough and sustain a hot enough continuous combusiton, all you need is a flash boiler and turbine and we are on the way to being a major electrical power generating utility without the need of buying coal or natural gas!
        Granted, getting the permitting through the Public Utilities Comission will require n-dimensional thinking, the EPA (Eldritch Protection Agency, effective as a hut full of witch doctors really) has a three trillion page thaumaturgical impact statement for completion, and of course there will be the OSHA inspection.
        (so, the exit needs to be signed, I see five places you have cords exposed as a trip and fall hazards, you need to post the lock-out-tag-out procedures, and you seem to have generated a hell-mouth interdimensional rift. So, get those dealt with and we can do the fine particulate and decibel studies next quarter.)

    2. The Loaves and the Fishmen? 😉

      “This is my body, this is my blood” is a positive phrase in Christianity; in the Cthulhu Mythos, it is not. I stand corrected.

  7. I got these as parts of some of Baens bundles, and was quite shocked by the difference between them and A Gentleman Takes a Chance and Draw One in the Dark. However, after taking a deep breath, I did enjoy them.

    1. I’m not going to lie. It wasn’t my natural style even then. BUT it was what the publisher wanted to publish me, and you guys know what that first sale is like. (These were written a year after the first version of DST.)

  8. Don’t blame me(Wait one sec…… forgot to turn on my halo & glow of innocence). I was sitting in the corner reading, Tom Kratman’s Balboa series (about done w/Carnifex), and writing a blog post (not posted, yet. Serious editing needed) on my answer to the central question.
    Sarah, I’m, also, now feeling guilty for having put your Shakespeare series on the back burner. 😦

  9. I, uh… ::stops:: … ::blinks:: Where did all these people come from. ::squeak:: I can explain. No! No! Please! That’s mine… No. My mistake. That one’s not mine. Forget I said any… thing… ::backs away toward door, eyeing du Toit’s camera::

    I left an ebook in here. Anybody seen it?

    M

  10. Please to remind, next weekend about the Magical Marlowe Omnibus … or was that the Magical de Vere Omnibus? 😉

    It wouldn’t be prudent for me to make any discretionary purchases before then, and Amazon doesn’t want me parking the book in the shopping basket. In the period of a week I am likely to forget my name, much less your book. Put it in the sidebar, at any rate. DRM free, I trust, for those of use not yet submitting to the Kindlecrats?

    Perhaps I ought give in, join the takers and apply for disability; does anyone know if “suffers fools not gladly” constitutes a disability these days?

    1. To qualify for disability now in California, they now enforce a hard requirement that you actually have to ask for it.

      Harsh and draconian, perhaps, but the bureaucrats don’t feel safe yet automatically awarding disability benefits to all current residents, overnight hotel guests, and anyone travelling on a California highway for more than 23 minutes in any 24 hour period, as they would really wish.

  11. I wasn’t there, and I take no responsibility for turning a 4-dimensional warp loose and converting half the wine bottles to Klein bottles.

    Sheesh. You’d think I’d never built a fusion-powered pizza oven before. Mumble, mumble…

    1. Fusion? Fusion?!! Kids these days, always wanting the brightest, shiniest, new thing. /shakes head/ Everybody knows pizza tastes better when cooked with fission.

      1. Are you kidding? The neutrons break down the hydrocarbons and create a bitter whang that takes days to get off my tongue. The high-energy photons from the fusion reaction, on the other hand, are penetrating like a microwave, but energetic enough to make the crust crispy.

        1. The photons just don’t provide a bite to the flavor like the neutrons do, always makes the pizza come out bland.

  12. Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #46,466 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
    #78 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Literature & Fiction > Genre Fiction > Biographical

    …biographical? *is amused*

    1. Biographical fiction — well it is. I stayed very close to Shakespeare biography — ALL of the Shakespeare biographies. Which, let me tell you, was an effort.

      1. Okay. It’s at least 99% more sensible than my Fantasy Romance being mis-filed by Sony as… “Home > Reference > General Reference > Herb-Witch” and “Home > Reference > General Reference > Herb-Wife”. *headdesk*

        1. LOL. Well, that poor trilogy got shelved in traditional stores everywhere from theater to ART and once regional fiction (Colorado.) No, seriously. The spine of the hard cover didn’t even say “fiction” let alone fantasy. A month after 9/11 with no promo? Yeah…

          In the end it was one of those ills that come for good, you know, because, well, if I’d continued writing “literary” fantasy I’d have slit my wrists in a warm bath. (I can do it now and then and have a couple more planned. BUT full time? Oy, no.)

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