
It’s been a year since my mother died.
How am I doing? Well, I’m dealing. I’m dealing blind against an unseen opponent in a game I don’t understand, but everyone smiles a lot and life goes on.
Look, I don’t want you to imagine me prostrated by grief. That’s not how this works. We all know our parents will, ideally, die before us. And mom and I… Chalk and cheese, you know? No, not like that. Or in some things exactly like that.
The thing is, a daughter like me is a terrible thing to happen to a mother who spent most of her life carefully filing down the sharp angles so she could fit in the round slot for the proper pegs.
No, she wasn’t repressed. Mom gave people repression. She was not meek and mild. People were meek and mild around her.
But all the same, she knew how to play the game, how to impress people the way she should, how to get across what she wanted to get across. She commanded groups, made parties wonderful, and could fill a room, just by herself, if she was in that sort of mood.
And then there’s me… I’m…. me. I probably could impress people, if I remembered and didn’t have three or four novels competing for my attention inside my head, at any given time. I was reasonably good looking and even enjoyed clothes and makeup… sometimes. And sometimes I forgot and went to the store in my painting jeans and with my hair pulled back. I’m actually (I didn’t know it) and introvert and some of our biggest fights were about her wanting to drag me to parties, because of course she wanted to, and I wanted to stay in my room with a book.
And then there were the things I was enthusiastic about. They baffled her. She knew what they were, she just couldn’t for the life of her figure out why I liked them. She tried. For my 19th birthday she went to the one bookstore in town that carried books in English and ordered the complete works of Villiam Shogspierre in English. And when they told her she might prefer them in Portuguese she said “I don’t prefer them at all. My daughter does, and she prefers them in English, thank you.” (Yes, she knew how it was pronounced. It was part of distancing herself from it.) I have better ones which aren’t tiny print printed in Yugoslavia (No, I don’t know why that was what they had) but I keep that one.
Sometimes she got upset about the things that fascinated me, as though by paying attention to them I was denying her and shutting her out. She once threw every book she could grab in my room out the window and into the farmer’s field out the back wall. It was a fit of fury at these books I carried everywhere. It’s been fifty years since she did that, and I still don’t understand it.
She used to get very upset when she caught me reading. (That’s what brought the fit on.) So I trained myself to fling the book under the nearest piece of furniture and sit very still as if I’d just been staring at the walls when I heard someone approach. Baffled my husband for a year until he figured out what was going on.
My brother and I used to talk in book quotes. Despite an almost ten year age difference, we had a tendency to be reading the same book, at the same time. In fact, until his eyes went bad, we’d often get there for a visit and he’d have the same book on his bedside table that I’d left on mine at home. (Only in Portuguese.) And we both had eidetic or near eidetic memory (in my case marred by being so ADD that…. well, you can’t remember what you never paid attention to.) So, when one of us would quote something we found significant in the latest book, the other would answer with a quote from the same book. It was like mad libs for autists, I guess, but we enjoyed ourselves greatly.
… At one point, after half an hour of this, Mom just yelled at the ceiling “I wanted normal children!” Followed by “I met my old classmate at the fair last week, and her daughter is a hairdresser, and her son has a garage, and they’re successful and happy and NORMAL. I wanted normal children.”
… Someone played a horrible prank on the poor woman, and gave her two changelings, even if my brother masks better than I do, or perhaps was never crazy enough to do truly outre things like marry a foreigner, move across the ocean, write books for a living.
I’d like to say she supported that the whole way…. but…. well, dad says she did. Dad says she was proud of me.
Maybe she was. She had a picture of me receiving the Prometheus on her living room table. I suspect it was because I was in an evening dress, wearing pearls and for once in my life had my hair done. “Look, my daughter. She’s not a bum ALL THE TIME, okay?” (I know, it baffled the presenters, too. BUT I’d promised my fans if I won I’d dress up.) On the other hand, when someone over there asked what I did for a living, mom would break herself crossing the room to scream “She’s a housewife” before I could say anything. (I might or might not have mumbled “the world’s worst housewife, maybe.”) And I won’t deny it hurt a little when I saw my colleagues mothers’ making a big deal of their books. I never gave mom copies after the first three — okay, in English, she wasn’t going to read them, but I thought she might put them in the front room bookcase? — because she hid them in the closet under the stairs, with the old shoes. And I — baffled! — have no idea WHY. Which to be fair, she probably had no idea why I was doing it either.
She was, however, a woman on the run. She was always doing something, cleaning something, designing something, whether a dress, a room, a table, a party. Her normal mode was at full throttle.
I find it somewhere between funny and ironic she fell running down the stairs, carrying a vacuum cleaner the cleaning lady had forgotten in the unused guest room. It could have waited another week. But it bothered her. So… she was running down the stairs, and lost count of the steps. She couldn’t see where she was because of the vacuum. They told us she’d broken her hip, and she did that too, but not that she’d hit her head because apparently concussions are irrelevant, but she’d hit her head on the umbrella cabinet hard enough to break the door, and I suspect had a closed-cranium concussion. I had one of those at 40. It’s different at 91.
I find that funny, because it’s the most mom thing ever. And if given the choice of that or going quietly in her bed ten years from now, she’d probably have picked going at 91, still on the run and doing things.
She used to call every Saturday. Usually when I was in the middle of my cleaning time, the phone would ring, and it was mom, which meant the next two hours were toast. I didn’t realize all the news from the entire family over there came through her.
I now can clean uninterrupted, but my Saturdays are… kind of lonely.
How am I doing?
I’m dealing. We never got along well as it were, but her presence and her personality, in approval and disapproval, and in the spaces between, shaped a lot of what I did and do, and how I did it.
For instance, I stole her smile. Perfectly aware I was not a beauty like she was, and I certainly didn’t have her way with people, I fixated on the one thing I could copy. My own smile was awkward and odd. So I sat in front of the mirror and practiced her smile until it became my smile. And I learned her trick of memorizing funny things people do, and then replaying them for the family, like a skit. Oh, and my house is 100% cleaner than those of my peers all the time, because …. what would mom say? (Nothing good, is what she’d say. We’re in the middle of a move and both houses are filthy.)
When she vanished, it was like driving along a Colorado road, and suddenly the mountains vanish. Look, you live on the foothills, you don’t do anything with the mountains. but suddenly they’re not there, and your world is curiously flat and colorless and why did they vanish? Where did they go? Can you even orient without them?
… I’m managing. Most of the time I’m fine, really, except suddenly, out of nowhere I hit something: a word, a phrase, a memory. A way to cook a dish I still do routinely. Her never fulfilled (often repeated) promise to teach me how to put in a zipper. (I can’t put in zippers in clothing. It’s like a disability.) Something. Sometimes just a quality of the light. And suddenly I’m crying. I’m not even sad, and I don’t know why I am crying, but there it is.
She always ended our phone calls with orders, “Go get your family in gear. You know they can’t figure their way without you.”
…. She has no idea. The boys are in gear enough. So is Dan. But mom meant that I should do what I can, I think. And was afraid I’d disappear into book and neglect the important things.
Do I do that? Sometimes. But then again, I love the boys. All three of them, even though Dan is a little superannuated for a boy. And sometimes they need me.
I try to be there for them, because I know mom expects it of me, so here I am, grinding through the speed changes the best I can.
I’m dealing. No one said this stuff was easy: mothers and daughters, the way we can’t help disappointing each other, the big love that has no need of shared interests to echo it, the persistent sense that you disappointed someone and you’re not sure who or how, the memories of shopping for shoes together, the ridiculously large ice creams she bought me and watched me consume, because she couldn’t… This weird feeling when someone who is so much a part of you is now a part of eternity.
I’m dealing. I’m getting the family in gear (I think the gear is turbo reverse parking, but hey) and I’m doing the best I can with all of this.
I can’t believe it’s been a year. And the horizon still retains the outline of the mountains that just vanished one day.








































































































































































































































































