
I don’t want to write this, but I’ve come to the reluctant conclusion it’s needed.
What don’t I want to write? Well… I don’t want to write about the Clancy case anymore. For a million reasons, up to and including that it’s plainly obvious to me that she’s guilty in the legal sense (she knew what she was doing) and yet people are being stupid about it.
Nothing I am about to say exculpates her in any way. People can have mistaken ideas and kill someone under that impression, but unless the idea is that they’re in danger for their lives and there is SOME substantiation (like the other person was holding an object that looked like a knife or a gun and coming at them) they’re still guilty of murder and there’s no getting around it. If, after reading a lot of weird blogs, I become convinced that my neighbor is an alien from beta centauri and kill him, I should be given the penalty for murder, regardless of how much I believed I was saving the Earth.
I am convinced I know why Lindsey Clancy killed her kids (though not a 100% sure why all three of them, unless she figured that leaving the other two in the world associated with the case of their brother and mother was too cruel and they’d be put in foster care and decided that was a fate worse than death) and while utterly inexcusable, it is something that other people in our circles might be prone to in far, far less lethal circumstances. It is in fact something I fell into when I was a young mother, though of course I never considered killing the kid, only worried obsessively.
To explain how I got there: I have spent the last few days either helping family members move (I did say this move was complicated), cleaning or unpacking. (I’m switching to more unpacking over the other two, though some work on that remains.) Since I’m desperately, floridly, ADD, I need something to keep the mind going while I do mechanical, repetitive work. If it’s some task that’s half an hour or less, like say doing dishes, I can do stuff like plot or write the next chapter in my mind. But if it’s a morning or an afternoon or a whole day, at some point the mind turns off and takes the body with it.
The best illustration of this is when I went for a walk (a task that’s unbearable alone, or without distraction), walked two blocks, and found myself turning around to go back home. It was simple. Mind said “this is boring, let’s go home” at a level I wasn’t even aware of.
So, normally I listen to “mindless books” or books I’ve read before (First read in audio doesn’t work well for me.) But Jane Austen fanfic has been invaded by AI, whose cadences drive me nuts in audio worse than in reading. And none of my faves are up for re-read. So instead I put youtube on with one of the podcasters I like and let it cycle whatever. Unless it becomes offensive and I have to change it.
Anyway, one of the things it brought up was a female blogger talking about how Clancy was guilty. I let it stay on because it was interesting, particularly since she had initially been on Clancy’s side, and was explaining how knowing more changed her mind.
She brought up a few things I didn’t know, which I confirmed afterwards. Clancy had joined a mommy facebook group apparently devoted to blowing off steam about your kids. Look, I’m not going to judge stupid things moms say, because I was known to say “I am raising Abel and Cain, and I just want to know which is which” when I got tired of the boys fighting, and don’t want anyone to think I was either serious or ready to do something about it. BUT she said that her second child, Dawson, was the “most difficult person I’ve ever met” and how she didn’t like him, and in fact couldn’t stand him. That’s hard to discount as just blowing off steam, and there is nothing even vaguely jokey or deflecting about it. Particularly when the kid was 19 months old at the time. (Look, my kids have driven me insane several times. I’ve never not liked them, much less hate dthem. In fact I can’t even think in those terms. Also, he was the first child she killed.
The other thing I found out was that before the killings she looked up whether a psychopath could be cured. Most people, including the blogger whom I first heard this from, assume she meant herself.
The other thing, which is widely known, is that the woman was obsessed with “mommy books” and blogs on how to raise the kids, the best way to do this and that. How to optimize yourself as a parent and your children as a product. This is, to be honest, a temptation of educated, over-thinking moms all over. (Which is why I’m writing this blog.) She perhaps did it even more than is normal because she was a perfectionist.
I’m convinced she’d become convinced her son — not herself — was a psychopath, and also that she knew just enough to know psychopaths are dangerous, evil mass murderers. (No, it’s not true. Any number of psychopaths are decent, productive members of society. In fact, apparently, a good number of them are surgeons. It’s just we tend to hear about the ones who decide to flaunt social norms by doing evil stuff.) And therefore, not wanting to be blamed for unleashing that on the world, she decided to kill him. And to kill the other kids to prevent their being traumatized by the results of her crime. (Thereby proving SHE is a psychopath.)
Of course, she’s utterly guilty of the crimes. I’m also sure that she was treating that poor little boy very poorly whenever she could get away with it.
But that’s neither here nor there, because this is not about her. It’s not up to me to send her where she belongs, so I leave it in the hands of a higher power.
What I can do is help other people becoming caught in that kind of thought-trap.
Mind you most mothers who decide they’re raising a psychopath, or a potential serial killer or a never do well won’t kill their kids. Thank heaven most mothers are still decent human beings. BUT they’ll worry themselves sick over it, and might be much, much harsher with the kid than there is any objective reason to be.
How do I know this? I know it because I’m one of those mothers.
First let me point out I never read mommy books. The mommy blogs weren’t a thing yet, thank G-d, and the books had such appalling grammar I could never make it past the prologue. (The reason I had them at all is that all my friends were bombarding me with books with titles like “How to raise the strong willed child.” I wasn’t impressed. First, “Strong Willed” is a weird way to spell “stubborn” and second, I knew precisely how to handle that when it mattered. A quick smack on the bottom when too young to understand reason, and taking the computer cord away to enforce compliance, once they could reason. Most of the things I didn’t enforce compliance on, because they weren’t that important, and the kids eventually realized they were pushing against nothing and came around.) I don’t know how I’d be raising kids nowadays.
However, I read a lot of books on true crime and psychology, and I became very alarmed. That I know of my kids never harmed (let alone tortured) animals. However, both were notoriously hard to potty train (it runs in the family) and had the occasional bed wetting accident when over 3. Everything I read assured me this meant they would grow up to be mass murderers. And, of course, if you start looking at a toddler for signs of evil, you’ll find them. Mostly because toddlers are your original, untainted savages. And there’s nothing noble about savages. They’re just all impulse, no moderating reason. Our job is to make them into human beings fit for society.
I had nightmares and worried for years over this. My usual joke is that I should have stuck with cats, because cats lack the opposable thumbs to become mass murderers (eyes Indy and his hand-paws.) But the worry was real.
We are now awash in so much information on child rearing that the average mother can’t avoid it. And most of it is, to put it mildly, alarmist or sensationalist. It’s often being passed by neurotic mothers to neurotic mothers and growing in the telling.
I routinely watch younger women who have littles obsess over things like nursing styles or times, and nap times and…
My kids never took naps. They just didn’t. I remembered being a little kid who didn’t take naps, and rolled with it. (The up side is that until they were teens they slept 12 hours a night. That was nice.) As for nursing, second son weaned himself at 6 months. Since mom said I did the same, again, I rolled with it, into bottle with supplementation. Structured days? What’s that, when mom is an ADD writer?
They seem to have turned out all right. In fact, their failings are failings that I’m discovering more and more are hereditary. And by that I don’t mean just me, but as dad talks more about his brothers and sister as he gets older, I find their failings are things that have been going on for generations.
I don’t think any of you out there are evil or disconnected from reality enough to Clancy your children, but I read you worrying about it, and trying to “improve” your parenting styles to perfection and your kids into perfect and smart and good.
Look, our job IS to civilize them. This is hard work and can’t be done overnight. Yes, they will still sneak cat kibble after you tell them not to eat it. Yes, there will be battles campaigns wars fought over comic books and favorite toys. No, you can’t improve everything at once. Pick your battles. Work on what bothers you most.
Will your child grow up to be a psychopath? You’re in no position to know. Not when they’re under two. If they are, you will just have to try to make them the kind of psychopath who is a top surgeon and not the kind that boils the neighbors in a bag. (Yeah, hurting animal is a line you just do not allow them to cross.)
You just do the best you can, don’t make charts, and let the kid grow and develop, while curbing the worst stuff, one trait at a time.
And remember both the kids and you are human, and neither of you is going to be perfect, ever. Good-enough is a good goal. Also, you don’t own your kids, anymore than your ancestors own you, so don’t try to make them things that you can create, remove and mold.
Reading too many mommy books and blogs might give you the impression it’s all in your control and you’re a bad mother if you don’t control it. If you must read that cr*p, accept you’re a bad mother and roll with it. You come from a long, long line of bad mothers and here you are. And here your granddaughters and greatgranddaughters will be. Being bad along with you. And yet, raising kids who are, by and large, functioning human beings and no worse than the run of humanity will be.
Remember that the thing about eating from the tree of knowledge and being like gods was a LIE. You can eat from the tree of knowledge, but you’ll remain yourself, just a more panicked and neurotic yourself.
Don’t obsess. Don’t make it all about you and a reflection on you. Concentrate on making them functioning adults rather than perfect exhibits of your skill as a perfect mother.
And hey, as someone who was a mother of small children, and who did this, but it turns out not nearly enough?
ENJOY them while they’re little. Yes, it’s insane hard work. And yes, you pray — PRAY — with tears in your eyes for just a meal you can eat without getting up to feed/clean/fetch every two minutes, and for a potty break in which you’re allowed to sit there ALONE.
But it’s also the most wonderful thing in the world. The kids are, truly, innocent, in the sense that even when they do evil it’s because they don’t know they’re doing evil. And they’re enthusiastic. And everything is new and wonderful to them. You can show them MARVELS by lighting up a Christmas tree or making a braid with ribbon.
One of my favorite memories is of 3 year old (and yes, out of carseat, because my kids were ginormous, but in booster) younger son falling asleep against me in the car after a day at the amusement park. If I close my eyes, I can still feel his little, heavy head, just slightly sweaty, leaning against my arm. Others: reading to them with both of them on my bed. Building toy railroads with younger son. Going for walks with older son. Drawing with them, with everyone on the floor drawing on giant newsprint-sheets. Just… being with them.
It’s the greatest time ever, and you should enjoy it. Unless the house is actively unhygienic, let it go. No one will care if there was dust on the shelves 20 years from now. Unless you’re driven by internal insanity or desperate need, let work go too. Just for a few years. The yard? Bah. Let things grow. You can always uproot them later.
Just enjoy your babies while they’re babies. And later when they’re kids, and teens, etc.
And remember neither you nor them will ever be perfect. Just human beings like others. Only these ones are yours, and you’ll love them unconditionally. Until the end of time.































































































































































































