Texas and the Curious Case of the Missing Candidate

Posted on by hollyfrostgoldportpress

By Holly the Assistant

It seems very peculiar to me, at less than a month before the election, that one of the candidates for the thirty-three regular senate elections has apparently vanished. Gone. Silent. In this day of all-online-all-the-time!

Officially Mr. Talarico has the flu. Odd that he’s not livestreaming something from his bed, don’t you think?

Speculation of course is rampant, ranging from hospitalized to . . . pretty much anything you can imagine. https://x.com/spencerpratt/status/2108553958696399249 is a place you can start at, but PJMedia and NotTheBee are covering it if you like them. Probably our Texas Hun Contingent has more local input on the matter as well.

Given the last couple days of posts here (less last night’s chapters), though, I think we might as well speculate wildly.

Was the poor Senate candidate hauled off by aliens to install a new and improved Puppet Master? Or to have one safely removed? He’s from a very weird splinter sect off of Christianity, so weird I hesitate to call it Christian at all, but perhaps he got raptured? (IDK if they even believe in rapture.) Kidnapped by time travelers? If so, because he himself was a time traveler trying to mess up the timeline, or was he native to our time and they’re trying to prevent what he would have done? Bricked up in a cellar he was tricked into by asking him to get the Amontillado? Can we get Miss Drew or the Hardy Brothers on the case to solve this?

In any case, may God have mercy on him, whatever is wrong with him.

63 thoughts on “Texas and the Curious Case of the Missing Candidate”

  4. Every time he opens his mouth his polls go down. He is also totally nuts, so the party of Satan (Democrats) hopes they can craft a least nutty position for him to fool the hayseeds in Texas. The only problem is they ain’t hayseeds Demons from Hell. (Democrats)

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  6. He could just release a statement every day, “I hate Trump. No, I really, really hate Trump. I hate Trump so much the universe can’t contain my hate for Trump.”

    Oh wait, he’s in Texas. That message only works in California.

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  7. His model number has been recalled?

    If the D’s are silent, they’re hiding something. If they’re freaking out, they haven’t heard from him either.

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    1. Given Ashley Judd’s politics, I assume that somewhere she is endorsing him. Probably after taking a drag of what Willie Nelson was smoking before he made his Talarico endorsement.

      Here, I had thought parallel universes branched off instantaneously. Instead, we seem to have two incompatible split universes stuck together and overlapping, with the mitosis taking seemingly forever. That’s how different our opposing views of reality seem to be. It cannot go on, yet it goes on.

      Republica restituendae.

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  11. He went in for a minor operation, to have his smugness reduced. When the docs got a look at the extent of the problem, they went for a full smugectomy. But at the end, the patient had vanished, and they still can’t find him.

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    1. Or maybe it was a partial idiocy-ectomy, and they couldn’t find a stopping point, and now there’s nothing Left of him. (Nor was there ever anything on the Right.)

      Or maybe they figured that if people voted for The Biden Who Wasn’t There, they would do the same for a Talerico?

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      1. This *is* Texas we’re talking about, and not the country at large. Selling The Talarico Who Wasn’t There might as a winning candidate might be difficult.

        On the other hand, I did mention the other day about the woman here in California who was convinced that Talarico was a good Christian candidate who would appeal to Texas voters and easily pull off a win.

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      1. Excellent point, though I was going with “set a fictiinal character to catch a fictional character”.

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  13. See the thing is, any competent TimeCorps snatch-and-grab op would have either a clone, or a clanker ready to swap in as the minimize-disruption candidate for the rest of the campaign.

    I mean, it’s not like any crazy stuff that emitted out of a Talarico-appearing clanker due to coding problems would even be noticeable, so he’s the perfect target for a replacement gambit.

    But there’s no replacement.

    Perhaps the clanker, programmed with all his speeches and public utterances to date would not boot, or the clone they tried to grow from the sampled DNA kept coming out of the tank as an eldritch horror bug.

    Or maybe the replacement looked fine, then went totally bonkers after the agents left it and it’s now what is in the rumored rubber room, which is too closely guarded for the agents to get at it and fix the thing.

    In any case, popcorn popped.

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  14. It is totally normal for a not-a-grift political candidate to vacation or quiet-resign three weeks before election day.

    It totally was not a campaign always meant to fail, and they aren’t quietly winding it down to avoid hurting tickets in other states as badly. Plus, Texas temps are in the mid eighties, an unprecedented heatwave that it is impossible for him to survive.

    He will probably show up at the game in Austin tomorrow, supporting the Sooners, and find that it only gives him a modest bump in his chances to win.

    (I’m ignorant of the actual temperatures, and am mostly lying for humor value.)

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    1. Plus, Texas temps are in the mid eighties, an unprecedented heatwave that it is impossible for him to survive.

      snerk… snort… BWHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHHHHHHH!!!!

      pant

      pant

      …BWAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

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      1. I’m glad that part got a laugh.

        If he were a literal snow fairy, he actually could have just sublimated at some point.

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    3. Back when I was living in Dallas, we had a summer where temps were above 100°F for about a month. I was single at the time, and sharing a rented house with another guy from my office. My roommate once made some cookie dough, put it on a baking tray, and left it in his parked car in the morning (our parking lot wasn’t shaded). Around 3 PM, he pulled the now-baked cookies out of the car and shared them with the rest of the office.

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      1. I think it actually has been a fairly hot summer in Texas this year.

        I think there may have also been a hot snap, today, and that it was quite a bit warmer than eighties for much of Texas.

        I just didn’t want to look into actual numbers.

        I could be wrong about this, because I haven’t looked at or calculated numbers.

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    2. Did anybody try rotating him 90°?

      I was told about an MIT student whose answering machine message (this was in the early to mid ’90s) was, “I’m sorry, the number you have reached is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90° and try dialing the number again.”

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  18. Here in California, our Dem gubernatorial candidate, former HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra, has also been keeping an extremely low profile based on what I’ve been hearing. But since he’s a Dem in California running against a Republican, no one brings it up.

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    1. Well, when he opens his mouth he either says things that makes him look stupider than late-stage Autopen, or he just endlessly chants “Trump Trump Trump” as in the debate.

      It’s very clear why Biden’s handlers picked him for the cabinet, as the two of them standing together made Joe look like Einstein.

      And yeah, barring miracles he’ll be my next Governor.

      At least it’s not Bonta.

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      1. Steve Hilton is running amusing ads showing people confronting the hard truth that they need to vote Republican. For example, one has a white woman being convinced by her two female friends (the more prominent of which is black) to mark Hilton on her mail-in ballot.

        Unfortunately, I’ve only seen them on X so far. I don’t know how far they’re circulating amongst the general public.

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        2. I would think that anything other than X is increasingly in the same irrelevancy category as printed newspapers and cable news, so that’s likely the right way for the Hilton campaign to go after undecideds.

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          1. It’s hard to say. I know Twitter used to have a participation percentage of the population that was single digit. I know that it’s more popular these days, but I don’t know what the percentage is now.

            Also, I should add (and I didn’t remember this during my earlier post) that I’m primarily seeing them on X because they’ve been reposted from elsewhere. They’re not showing up in the ads that X is feeding me.

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            1. I would think there’s demographic targeting algorithm the consultants use, so boomers, the gen in between like me that I call gen-cleanup, and genX get stuff like trad media and zuckerbook, and then it transitions by gen through to postings on X, rumble, and the CCCP house channel, TikTok, with various paid formal bot farming and foreign intel ops overlayed on that.

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  19. PJ Media just ran a story saying he may have had a breakdown and been admitted to a mental hospital. He has allegedly made an appearance, but still has not talked to reporters, even friendly ones.

    Maybe the original is dead and they’re still trying to train the double.

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    1. Who wrote the story?

      PJ Media has a mixed bag of writers. Some of them are good. But if the story is by Matt Margolis, I’d wait for independent confirmation before trusting the info. He has a tendency to speculate far ahead of the known facts.

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      2. I have seen several folks reporting a breakdown and self-admit to mental health facility rumors from multiple sources, all clearly labeled as rumors around the campaign.

        In the story I read there’s a weird thing about his frantic staff greeting him with big hugs on his reappearance, saying stuff like “We talked about this – you have to stay where we know where you are!” which is totes normal from a campaign staff to their candidate.

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  20. Off-topic request for the Huns: can anyone recommend a gym in the US that would sell me a six-month membership? I’ll be in the US from January through June 2027 so a year would be more than I need. My requirements aren’t that difficult, but they are strict:

    • Must be a nationwide chain, so that my membership can be valid no matter where I travel (I’ll be on the road a lot)
    • Must have barbells to do free-weight exercise, not only one-muscle-group-at-a-time exercise machines.

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    1. Robin, look into Snap Fitness – they’re all over the US and offer monthly memberships. My wife and have been members for years and are very happy with both the facilities and the staff. They also offer a free trial.

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    2. This is way, way out of date, so if anyone has more current info, please correct me, but YMCA.

      When I was a kid, we had a family Y membership because we were taking swimming lessons and when we went camping one year, we were able to use the facilities in other states Ys.

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    3. Per the Fat Electrician (not his mil-blog YT channel, but the other one), Planet Fitness is one to stay away from. He describes their financial model, and I’m somewhat surprised somebody at the Fed level hasn’t clobbered them.

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      1. And for the first time in years, my login is actually being accepted by the comment box. Until today, every time I commented I was then told “(email address) is used by a WordPress account you are not logged into.” (Even when I had just logged in five minutes prior to post a prior comment). And then I’d have to go to my password manager app, copy the password, and paste it into WordPress. Every. Single. Time.

        NOW the comment box not only shows “Robin Munn” as I type (it was doing that before), but this time, when I click the Reply button, it actually posts the comment. First time it’s done that for me in years.

        So this is a WP change that, for once, has actually fixed something.

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      2. And the button actually changes from “Comment” when you’re at the bottom of the page commenting on the post itself, to “Reply” when you’re replying to someone else’s comment. Which, if you notice the different text and catch yourself before clicking on it (not guaranteed, naturally) may cut down on the number of times that someone intends to reply to the comment currently at the bottom of the page, but mistakenly posts a top-level comment instead of a reply.

        Still easy to make that mistake, but with the button being “Reply” instead of “Comment” there’s at least a better chance to catch one’s mistake before clicking the button.

        Oh, and that thing where holding down Shift while pressing the backspace key would delete a whole paragraph? Gone, hopefully for good. Ctrl+backspace deletes a word, but 1) that’s not going to happen by accident, and 2) that’s actually useful. Deleting an entire paragraph was rarely useful.

        Here’s hoping this WP update is, for once, entirely good bugfixes like these.

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        1. My “favorite” bit was to do a reply, then attempt to do a top-level comment at the bottom. WP would decide that I really must have intended to add another comment where I previously had done so.
          Not sure if getting a WP login would have cured that. Never tried.

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  22. Interestingly enough, drove home with the eldest girl, the middlest, and the youngest of the girls all howling along with this song, for like three reps.

    Makes a point I made elsewhere– about songs as poetry, and this is quite good (and upbeat) poetry!

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  23. The rumors are almost as disturbing as the candidate.

    (Not here, though – the rumors here are excellent. Try the cannolis.)

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