What We Have Here

Before I start this post, let me say that I’m not proposing we use genetic engineering to make men and women the same. As should be obvious from No Man’s Land, I don’t think that would solve anyone’s problem. It might make communication more easy in one front, but it will not fix anything as a species.

However, over the last few days I’ve become convinced that at least half of the “war between men and women” is a failure to communicate. Also a failure of the imagination, in that men can’t imagine being a woman. TBF women also can’t imagine being a man. The longer I live the more I think that Robert A. Heinlein was absolutely right and not kidding at all when he suggested we’re not two halves of the same species, but two symbiote species.

Please keep in mind this comes from a woman who has always had more male than female friends, and who does grok men more than women most of the time, partly because I grew up with my brother and his friends as primary influences, partly because of my interests, which run to politics, finance and action books. (And movies.)

So imagine my surprise when a meme was posted in my close-in fan groups, argument broke out and I was SOLIDLY on the female side.

It’s a communication issue. And the communication issue hinges on things men can’t conceptualize. Let’s say growing up male is different from growing up female in a way that’s very hard to understand, particularly since our culture, right now, is hell bent on telling us there is absolutely no difference (beyond the way you pee) between males and females.

The truth is that we’re different while still in utero, due to different hormone baths. And the brain structure of males and females are different. From a story perspective, btw, this was glaringly obvious when I advised my middle-school son’s writing club. All the girls, from the rough and tumble soccer players to the girly girls were writing deeply introspective “How I talked to my dead ancestress and found myself.” And every boy was writing “How I stopped the bank robbers, killed all the bad guys and got a medal.” (Of course by that metric, at 12, I WAS a boy, so this is not universal.) But those are relatively minor — note I said relatively — and if people are intelligent and willing to cross the divide. And some deep weirdos might have read enough action to present as boys. Ahem. Not that I own any mirrors.

However there’s a deeper divide we can’t bridge, and that’s: Females are smaller and weaker than men. Yes, even in shape, relatively buff females have no chance against ‘ninety pound weakling” males. Testosterone is a hell of a force multiplier, okay? Yes, I won some fights against males early on in life, but that was because I grew faster, and I had no actual brakes. When I fought, I fought for maximum damage. And fair wasn’t even in the world as my plans. (Which btw is typical female.) But also, in almost every case, I got LUCKY.

If a man is determined to hurt a woman, really determined, he’s going to hurt her. Badly. While a woman determined to hurt a man might hurt him. Maybe. If he’s careless and hindered by chivalry.

Note I mean PHYSICAL injury. Not emotional. Not mental. Physical.

With that in mind, this is the meme that caused the arguments:

Sigh. I get the woman completely.

Look, I’m sixty three (I JUST CHECKED, okay?) and I would not have accepted a tablet from a male friend when I was young. Unless he was one of the friends in my brother’s group who REALLY were all my ersatz brothers (and half of whom were medical students, which at the time meant practically jingled with free medicine bottles from medicine reps.) Even more shocking, I wouldn’t accept a tablet from a male (or female) friend now, except for a handful of you who are as paranoid as I am.

Right now, the main reason I wouldn’t accept a tablet, unless individually wrapped, still sealed (and even then!) is because fentanyl is known to be produced to mimic over the counter medicines, and while I’m not sleeping and kind of depressed, I’m not suicidal.

The reason I wouldn’t have accepted it then…

Well, for one, because you never take medicines, food or drinks from a male. Period. Unless he’s family and absolutely above suspicion, which the interaction above doesn’t read as. It reads as casual or “school” friend. I mean, if they’d known each other from childhood, or were relatives, he’d have said, right?

Even back in my day — GUYS EVEN BACK IN MY GRANDMOTHER’S DAY — blithely taking a substance handed to you by someone-not-a-doctor featured in what would now be creepy pasta stories. “And then I woke up, and all my clothes were off.” Or less dramatically “And then I woke up, and my wallet and money and my bus pass were gone.”

Seriously. Weaker people are very aware it won’t take much to overpower them. You just need to make them slightly tipsy or interfere with their judgement, and there’s tons of things that do that.

And if the men are now shouting “MOST MEN WOULD NEVER.” Thank you. We’re very aware of that. Look, we’ve got fathers, husbands, children. And we love your big shambling, grunting, hairy selves. At least those of us who are hetero and more or less sane do.

The problem is that we can’t be sure.

Right, so I’ve been doing a deep dive into true crime (I said I was depressed.) and one of the books I read was Anne Rule’s on Ted Bundy. I knew Anne Rule from having stumbled on her books before. I didn’t realize she’d known the ur-sex-killer of popular imagination, much less that she was friends with him. Her after-the book afterwords for republication are decisive about his being a monster etc. BUT if you read the book in sequence… well. She had NO idea. And in fact, while reading the book, I kept thinking “Wait, you’re still sending him money and worrying about him in prison? What’s wrong with you?”

What was wrong with her is that she wasn’t reading this in hindsight, where DNA has proved beyond doubt that yes, he did this stuff, and where I knew before I started reading what he was accused of. She didn’t. And even in the afterword she tries to reconcile the two images of him and can’t. Because the guy she knew, her CLOSE FRIEND shouldn’t be able to commit those horrific crimes against women and female children. And yet he did.

“Oh, come on, Sarah, a mass killer is a purely American phenomenon, and anyway psychopaths who are actual killers are very rare. How can you–.”

Very easily. Acktchually we don’t know how many KILLING psychopaths there are. I read this absolutely chilling off the cuff remark by a pathologist from Colorado who searches the mountains on the weekend for human remains. No, seriously. There’s a group of them, and it’s like a hobby.

How many do they find? Uh… I think they estimated (and I might be underreporting) that for every ten miles of forested area in a highway there will be an undiscovered corpse.

Wouldn’t everyone know if that many people were missing? Oh, dear. Look, we’re a highly mobile, relatively disconnected society. And our police departments build in “every teen is a potential runaway. Every wife is a potential deserter of family” (Every husband too.) People CAN and do disappear and never be noticed not to be there. And that’s without considering transients, recent immigrants, semi-nomadic professionals and oh, yeah, the massive group let in by the autopen.

I suspect the number of people who could disappear and never be heard of has gone higher too. More single people. More friendless people. More people working from home. More people without kids.

Look, I have kids, and if I cut communication, one would drive over right away, the other next weekend. Because I’m their mother, and my stopping answering would be profoundly weird.

However, if I didn’t, if it were just Dan and I, we could die, and our friends MIGHT notice. I mean, the one who has the keys to the house would eventually get worried if I stopped answering and come over, but since we exchange messages maybe every couple of weeks or so, and texts arrive at odd times and such, probably not for a couple of months.

Now, my case is a little different, because the close-in Discord group, the blog readers, the people at Instapundit would probably send someone over within a week. Still, that’s a week.

However, if I weren’t living my life in public…. and most people aren’t… How long do you think it would take?

As for Mass Murderers being American… They are only “A purely American phenomenon” because no one else labels them that way or make an industry of talking about them, except maybe the British. (And Portugal hides them if they can. I mean, they arrest the perp — maybe, last I heard their penal system… never mind — but they don’t talk about this much. It’s a cultural thing.)

Now that I’ve horrified you, the problem is that we don’t know who a mass murderer might be. Or just a plain bad dude. People can dissemble. Sometimes for YEARS. Psychopathy is much more common than it seems.

So just because you know someone and see no reason for the substance they gave you to be poisoned/adulterated… well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t.

And if you’re saying “But poison is a woman’s weapon!” Well, yes. Which means you big burly creatures also should be careful. It’s just a lot of you won’t. Because at the back of the brain, from childhood training, from a hundred playground scuffles you have “I can take care of myself” imprinted at brain-deep.

Women don’t. From youngest age, we learn we’re vulnerable. Even without the demonization of men, even believing most men are DECENT, we watch ourselves all the time. At least the ones of us who survive to be — checks again — sixty three (almost a Beatles song!)

This creates other adaptations: the men asked if that was the case, why give an excuse, why not just say “no.”

Because most women don’t. Look, if they’re friends, even casual friends, but particularly if she does consider him a romantic prospect, she won’t want to say a flat “No.”

Why not? Well, precisely. Because then he’ll ask “Why not?” and if she evades that without giving a reason, he’ll say “You’re afraid I’ll drug you!” and storm out in a fit. And if she keeps saying “Because no.” He’ll think she hates him, go home, think about it, realize she’s afraid, and then have a fit all over the webs. There is no way to win this. NONE. So we give excuses. “Oh, it’s not the right medicine.” “Not tonight, I’m washing my hair.” (Not, I really don’t want to go to isolated spot first thing out.) or whatever. We deflect. Try not to cause offense. Because we’re trying to protect ourselves, and we REALLY don’t think you’re a bad guy (or we’d have cut you off) but there’s just enough doubt that we have to protect ourselves. Because if we get in a situation where we can’t defend ourselves, we’re dead. You’re bigger, you’re stronger, you’re faster. Not just a little bit. A LOT. Again, the champion female soccer team can get beaten by an average MIDDLE SCHOOL BOYS SOCCER TEAM. Frankly, in a fight we don’t have a chance.

So, no, we’re not going to take a tablet from you (guys shouldn’t either. Mr. Chemistry doesn’t care if you pee standing up.) We’re also not going for a walk in that deserted park. We’re not going to close the door when we’re alone with you in a room. And in general, until and unless it’s absolutely required and we’re fairly sure you’d never hurt us (Or no one would ever get married) we’re not going to expose ourselves to danger. (BTW this is why I don’t care if you’re trans and identify as female. You still have male strength by and large. Don’t crowd us. And don’t try to get into a woman’s shelter.)

Now, in all fairness, the exchange above sounds to me like the guy is strong in the tisms, particularly his continued insistence and research to prove it would help her. And he’s probably innocuous. But I still see the girl as doing what’s only logical. And I WOULD DO THE SAME.

I just want to make clear why this is. We’re weaker. Physically you guys have the advantage.

Which, curiously, is why women should be taught to be gentlemen in business if they want to have a profession.

Wut? Sarah, you shifted gears so fast I heard the grinding. Oh, shut up. Look, I said above, women will delay fighting or fight by other means. Because we know once we have to fight we’ll likely lose. The problem is that when we fight, we don’t fight to win. WE FIGHT TO KILL.

This is set at the back of the brain. If this is a threat, you have to kill it, or it will come back and kill you. So for a woman there is no “Defeat, then friendship.” There is only “kill the threat. Eradicate it. Destroy it.”

The problem is instinct is a funny thing. This ports over to… business rivalry. Women in the C suite will absolutely over react and try to destroy competition. Which tends to destroy the business, or whatever they’re involved in, as well as a vast swath of men who are left wondering what they did to deserve this. (And some women. I am a bit dense on this, since I WAS raised to be a gentleman, and believe in defeat, then friendship.)

So, what we have here is not a war of the sexes, what we have here is a failure to communicate.

The guys, bigger, stronger, need to understand that we are smaller, weaker, and therefore have to be cautious beyond reasonable limits. Because a mistake can be fatal.

And women need to understand: not every charming men, not even a sizeable minority of them, are Ted Bundy. (Though serial killers can get hundreds of kills, so still be careful.) And just because you feel threatened, it doesn’t mean it’s a threat. That thing you keep jumping on isn’t a spider, it’s your earbuds! Or if you prefer: stop treating competition as a lethal, to the death confrontation. It’s not. If you want to play in male fields? learn to be a gentleman. The politics of personal destruction are awful in politics. They’re even more painfully awful in business.

(Oh, and your political beliefs are not your children. They don’t need you to kill to protect them. And they should be subjected to rational discussion, even if it hurts them. Kipling was right. Stop being an idiot.)

BUT above all, remember we are different, whatever the “progressives” (into the 1930s) say. We are very different. And this colors even seemingly innocuous interactions.

If an interaction with a woman puzzles you? Ask your female friends. They just might think the answer is obvious. (Or not. Female psychopaths exist.)

For the sake of continued humanity, stop assuming an entire sex is stupid or irrational. They’re just responding to different physical realities.