*I first heard of King Harv coffees when Professor Jacobson over at Legal Insurrection gloated (not to strong a word) over having been sent one of their coffees as a gift, during a difficult time in his blogging/professional life.
I was briefly and wildly jealous. Wished I was a big time blogger. Cruised over to their site and decided that really, the family needed stuff, so I shouldn’t spend it on coffee.
Imagine my surprise when, towards the end of annus horriblis 2020 I was clearing my spam filter and there was an email from King Harv coffees. I wouldn’t have opened it — money wasn’t any better — but the title was “Are you Sarah Hoyt, the writer?” Well…. I am. So, the message offered to send me Mars coffee. Not being UTTERLY stupid, only mildly so, I said yes and sent an email. The coffee arrived witht he funniest insert I’ve ever seen. Completely geeky, too. With stuff about their coffee plantation on Mars. I mean, Heinlein would have loved these people. So I hoarded the coffee till I could see son-the-coffee-fiend with whom I shared it on Christmas. My review is here.
Well, in conjunction with the flight of Ingenuity, I was wondering how King Harv was doing and how they were hiding their coffee plantations. Luckily they sent me this guest post which answers all our questions. Yes, I know it’s an extended commercial, but the product is good and the commercial is hilarious. Remember those commercials for superbowl that we used to watch with jaw dropped because they were so much fun? This is like that And this fits neatly under my “support the good” which goes with the “not one red cent” campaign. Hey, anyone WILLINGLY associating with our lot is not only on our side, they’re also brave as heck.)* -SAH
The True Tale of King Harv’s Mars coffee plantation
(A guest post by King Harv Coffees)
Part 1: The Beginning
There are many things mankind is not meant to know about. One of these is the fact that Mars has been settled since 2002, specifically for the purposes of coffee cultivation. King Harv’s Imperial Coffees Mars to be precise.
It started long, long ago. I am the son of King Harv, well known coffee tycoon and millionaire philanthropist. I was just a recent Chemistry graduate and Software engineer who had been tinkering for years on the topic of space travel. Specifically with the use of the metal wires steaming out of the Army’s Hellfire missiles being used not for destruction, but as a dynamic bridge to the planets. Now each missile has a wire capacity of about 2.5 miles. The closest Mars would appear would be 34.8 million miles. Hence with only 13.92 million Hellfire missiles, with the wires spliced together, they could make it to Mars. Now, removing the explosive shaped charge of each missile, and extending the wire length accordingly, I figured we could get by with only 9 million Hellfire’s. The next step was where to acquire or manufacture them. Or something similar to them.
This turned out to be much easier than expected. By substituting strong fishing line for the wires, and utilizing solar wind for additional acceleration, we were able to construct a single shot fire and forget missile for under $87.00. (We utilized used fishing line). The budget did not allow for any testing, but we were confident. We just aimed that sucker at Mars one night and “boom”, you could see the giant spool of line flying out faster than you can eat a bag of habanero Doritos. Yeah, that fast. So anyway, it turned out we “forgot” that little bit about celestial mechanics and planetary movement, so we were bound to miss mars by a by millions of miles… had we not fortunately got tagged by one of them there pieces of space junk from the top secret Mercury Blue missions of the 1960s. Anyway, it hit us just right and targeted our little rocket straight to Mars, where it landed with a dignified womf and implanted its space anchor. And the American flag.
So there we were, with a strong fishing line connecting Mars to Earth, and just King Harv’s Imperial Coffees knowing about it. (it was a transparent fishing line.) Well, our plan was for us to get some decent Harbor Freight line grippers and foot by foot pull up the used Russian submarine we had purchased and converted to a space habitat. Seemed like a straight forward idea at first, but you always know something’ll come up, and it did. Our Russian friends were all for us using their old submarine, and at a killer price, but at the last minute demanded a “nuclear royalty” due to us using one of their famously reliable nuclear power plants in the sub/ship. Now by this time I was about broke, but realized that Russians like a few things in the world besides Rubles and Vodka. A dang good cup of coffee. So we settled on giving them a perpetual 5% of our Martian coffee harvest. Fair enough. It is the red planet after all.
Now, thinking ahead, we knew that pulling that old sub foot by foot might take quite some time, and we figured out a way to speed things up. Once we got the sub past the moon and into interplanetary space, we fired the aft two nuclear torpedos that for some reason were still left in the sub. (Come to think about that, there was a little alarm clock attached to them as well. Hrmmm…) Anyway basic Newtownian physics, when force goes out one way, it pushes back the other, so our ship landed on mars in a matter of days. We do apologize for for the destruction of the Hubble Space Telescope from the torpedo explosions. No pain, no gain I guess.
One of the advantages of our nuclear submarine based habitat was that it could produce it’s own oxygen and purify its own water, provided we had a source of water. And we did have a source, drilling down to a hidden lake 2 miles beneath the surface of mars. After a few weeks, King Harv’s Mars Base 6 was fully operational. Planting was only a few days away.
Now there were still a few little stumbling blocks to overcome. The freezing temperatures, lack of nutrients in the soil, and our adamant refusal to use pesticides. As with our other hurdles, these were overcome by sound thinking and realistic risks. To overcome the issue of the cold, we chose coffee plants rated to plant hardiness Zone 2. Not easy to come by, let me tell you. Now for the radiation and all that other stuff. Well, we figured that we can just ignore that for now. Might as well leave some chores for tomorrow. The last concern were all these primitive probes Earth was launching to Mars, clearly violating our territory. But we are a friendly sort, and have not, and I repeat again not, had anything to do with the multiple failure of Mars probes from other nations. For the most part. Now we all know they doctor the photos they take. And for a while we just put up with that. But with the landing of the Perseverance rover and launch of the Ingenuity Mars Copter, we felt it was time for the public to see the unedited photos. The following photos are real. Note that, contrary to public report, the Ingenuity Copter has already launched. Multiple times. Doing King Harv’s Coffee work. We know they will edit all this out, but for now, until they censor them, here are the true photos.
With regards to all,
David, #2 Son of King Harv, and founder of King Harv’s Imperial Coffees, Chemistry and Computer Guy,
Father of Zachariah, who is the master roaster, Filmmaker
My Uncle Steve, the Vice King, retired salesman, US Army Vet
And of course my Dad, King Harv. retired Teacher, Administrator, Sax Player. US Army Vet
King Harv’s Imperial Coffees
1428 E. Semoran Blvd. #107
Apopka, FL 32703