Forbidden Coffee (A guest post by King Harv Coffees)

*I first heard of King Harv coffees when Professor Jacobson over at Legal Insurrection gloated (not to strong a word) over having been sent one of their coffees as a gift, during a difficult time in his blogging/professional life.
I was briefly and wildly jealous. Wished I was a big time blogger. Cruised over to their site and decided that really, the family needed stuff, so I shouldn’t spend it on coffee.
Imagine my surprise when, towards the end of annus horriblis 2020 I was clearing my spam filter and there was an email from King Harv coffees. I wouldn’t have opened it — money wasn’t any better — but the title was “Are you Sarah Hoyt, the writer?” Well…. I am. So, the message offered to send me Mars coffee. Not being UTTERLY stupid, only mildly so, I said yes and sent an email. The coffee arrived witht he funniest insert I’ve ever seen. Completely geeky, too. With stuff about their coffee plantation on Mars. I mean, Heinlein would have loved these people. So I hoarded the coffee till I could see son-the-coffee-fiend with whom I shared it on Christmas. My review is here.
Well, in conjunction with the flight of Ingenuity, I was wondering how King Harv was doing and how they were hiding their coffee plantations. Luckily they sent me this guest post which answers all our questions. Yes, I know it’s an extended commercial, but the product is good and the commercial is hilarious. Remember those commercials for superbowl that we used to watch with jaw dropped because they were so much fun? This is like that And this fits neatly under my “support the good” which goes with the “not one red cent” campaign. Hey, anyone WILLINGLY associating with our lot is not only on our side, they’re also brave as heck.)* -SAH

Forbidden Coffee

The True Tale of King Harv’s Mars coffee plantation

(A guest post by King Harv Coffees)

Part 1:  The Beginning

There are many things mankind is not meant to know about.  One of these is the fact that Mars has been settled since 2002, specifically for the purposes of coffee cultivation.  King Harv’s Imperial Coffees Mars to be precise.  

It started long, long ago.  I am the son of King Harv, well known coffee tycoon and millionaire philanthropist. I was just a recent Chemistry graduate and Software engineer who had been tinkering for years on the topic of space travel.  Specifically with the use of the metal wires steaming out of the Army’s Hellfire missiles being used not for destruction, but as a dynamic bridge to the planets.  Now each missile has a wire capacity of about 2.5 miles.  The closest Mars would appear would be 34.8 million miles.  Hence with only 13.92 million Hellfire missiles, with the wires spliced together, they could make it to Mars.  Now, removing the explosive shaped charge of each missile, and extending the wire length accordingly, I figured we could get by with only 9 million Hellfire’s.  The next step was where to acquire or manufacture them. Or something similar to them.

This turned out to be much easier than expected.  By substituting strong fishing line for the wires, and utilizing solar wind for additional acceleration, we were able to construct a single shot fire and forget missile for under $87.00.  (We utilized used fishing line).  The budget did not allow for any testing, but we were confident.  We just aimed that sucker at Mars one night and “boom”, you could see the giant spool of line flying out faster than you can eat a bag of habanero Doritos.  Yeah, that fast.  So anyway, it turned out we “forgot” that little bit about celestial mechanics and planetary movement, so we were bound to miss mars by a by millions of miles… had we not fortunately got tagged by one of them there pieces of space junk from the top secret Mercury Blue missions of the 1960s.  Anyway, it hit us just right and targeted our little rocket straight to Mars, where it landed with a dignified womf and implanted its space anchor.  And the American flag.

So there we were, with a strong fishing line connecting Mars to Earth, and just King Harv’s Imperial Coffees knowing about it.  (it was a transparent fishing line.)  Well, our plan was for us to get some decent Harbor Freight line grippers and foot by foot pull up the used Russian submarine we had purchased and converted to a space habitat.  Seemed like a straight forward idea at first, but you always know something’ll come up, and it did.  Our Russian friends were all for us using their old submarine, and at a killer price, but at the last minute demanded a “nuclear royalty” due to us using one of their famously reliable nuclear power plants in the sub/ship.  Now by this time I was about broke, but realized that Russians like a few things in the world besides Rubles and Vodka. A dang good cup of coffee.  So we settled on giving them a perpetual 5% of our Martian coffee harvest.  Fair enough.  It is the red planet after all.

Now, thinking ahead, we knew that pulling that old sub foot by foot might take quite some time, and we figured out a way to speed things up.  Once we got the sub past the moon and into interplanetary space, we fired the aft two nuclear torpedos that for some reason were still left in the sub. (Come to think about that, there was a little alarm clock attached to them as well. Hrmmm…)  Anyway basic Newtownian physics, when force goes out one way, it pushes back the other, so our ship landed on mars in a matter of days.  We do apologize for for the destruction of the Hubble Space Telescope from the torpedo explosions.  No pain, no gain I guess.

One of the advantages of our nuclear submarine based habitat was that it could produce it’s own oxygen and purify its own water, provided we had a source of water.  And we did have a source, drilling down to a hidden lake 2 miles beneath the surface of mars.  After a few weeks, King Harv’s Mars Base 6 was fully operational.  Planting was only a few days away.

Now there were still a few little stumbling blocks to overcome.  The freezing temperatures, lack of nutrients in the soil, and our adamant refusal to use pesticides.  As with our other hurdles, these were overcome by sound thinking and realistic risks.  To overcome the issue of the cold, we chose coffee plants rated to plant hardiness Zone 2.  Not easy to come by, let me tell you.  Now for the radiation and all that other stuff.  Well, we figured that we can just ignore that for now.  Might as well leave some chores for tomorrow.  The last concern were all these primitive probes Earth was launching to Mars, clearly violating our territory.  But we are a friendly sort, and have not, and I repeat again not, had anything to do with the multiple failure of Mars probes from other nations. For the most part.  Now we all know they doctor the photos they take.  And for a while we just put up with that.  But with the landing of the Perseverance rover and launch of the Ingenuity Mars Copter, we felt it was time for the public to see the unedited photos.  The following photos are real.  Note that, contrary to public report, the Ingenuity Copter has already launched. Multiple times.  Doing King Harv’s Coffee work.  We know they will edit all this out, but for now, until they censor them, here are the true photos.

With regards to all,

David, #2 Son of King Harv, and founder of King Harv’s Imperial Coffees, Chemistry and Computer Guy,

Father of Zachariah, who is the master roaster, Filmmaker

My Uncle Steve, the Vice King, retired salesman, US Army Vet

And of course my Dad, King Harv. retired Teacher, Administrator, Sax Player. US Army Vet





King Harv’s Imperial Coffees

1428 E. Semoran Blvd. #107

 Apopka, FL 32703

75 thoughts on “Forbidden Coffee (A guest post by King Harv Coffees)

      1. Yep, it’s Fun Silly. 😉

        But is it wrong of me to think of ways that Cable From Earth To Mars could get tangled up by planetary movements including what happens if the Moon “gets in the way”? 😆

          1. Best make that cable fireproof and adjustable.
            A Martian year is roughly twice as long as our Earth year meaning that the distance between planets varies from closest approach to farthest separation with the sun in between.
            So your cable needs to run between shortest at 49 million miles to farthest at 235 million.
            And at that extreme separation the cable would be running right smack through our friendly thermonuclear engine we refer to as our sun.

        1. You just put some slack in the line and then the solar wind pushes it away from the sun, so that’s no problem. The moon is a little trickier you need a really, really big fishing pole and some truly ginormous hydraulics to flip the line over the moon when it comes around.

          1. Well, there’d be “interesting” problems caused by planetary revolutions if the ends of the cable are attached to locations on Earth or on Mars.

            Now, it would less tricky if the ends of the cable are in an orbit in the Earth-Moon system and in an orbit around Mars.

            1. Hmmm. The Earth side must be at the south pole, with a swivel in the line so it doesn’t get twisted up.

            2. All it requires is a cable reaching through the seventh-dimension (or is it the ninth? I keep forgetting) where the linear connection is unencumbered.

              1. That’s right, you have to avoid the Eighth Dimension, and the Red Lectroids. 😛

        2. The Moon has a stable orbit. I would imagine that the issue could easily be resolved by arching the line above (or below, if that’s easier) the ecliptic plane of the Moon’s orbit. The same could also be done with regards to the Sun.

        3. >> “what happens if the Moon “gets in the way”?”

          Humanity has the right-of-way. And if the moon wants to dispute that point I will remind it that we have nuked it before.

  1. Obviously Olympus Mons is the attachment point for the fishing line. The so-called volcano is a giant pile of coffee beans awaiting transport.

  2. This is very like “The Mouse on the Moon”. Are you sure that your dad is not from the Duchy of Grand Fenwick?

    1. Well, they’re within spitting distance of Spike’s Tactical, would not surprise me if they’re customers of each other. Gives me another reason to take a drive over that way soon.

    1. Looking things over, Venus and Jupiter both seem interesting things to someday try – and likely by “French press”. And the Pluto for cold brew? That does certainly have some appeal.

      1. I have bookmarked the Uranus coffee, if only because the description makes me giggle so much!

            1. Not likely to get there again anytime soon. Went once, and wound up in the rain forest… not an ideal place for me. I can deal with rain if I must. I can deal with forest, that’s easy. But rain forest is… for someone other. Now, maybe you and yours are elseplace, but I still have no Great Reason to go there. Not saying I wouldn’t like to visit, but with this anti-economy and the time-suck it is… well, kinda have to stay rather local, alas.

              It’s gotten to the point i am contemplating a cross-state-border “beer run” just for novelty of leaving the state – and one state border is less than 20 miles distant. Alas, there ain’t much close on the other side of much interest , not even for a mere ‘beer run’.

        1. And Neptune perhaps moreso, but I prefer the flavor profiles listed for Venus and Jupiter over Neptune. Hrmm, upon a re-read, maybe I should consider that as well. But Venus first, unless I go for the Pluto frigid brew.

        1. I’ve seen stuff that indicates polar regions of Mercury would be darned habitable.

          1. it’s locked but still “rotates” . . . still a -315 to +224f range would make for a design challenge a bit wider than the ISS sees by just a few degrees, so and to the colder side of median . . . possible to be there but I’d hate to build it there or get it there and to and from it
            The King Harv folks need to clear that up (~_^)

            1. Hrmm… how much solar (ir)radiation do the mercurial poles get and are there convenient craters that might allow shading that would mean only the Cold would have to be dealt with? I could see a ring of heat-collecting/transmitting stations to bring a base up to temperature, but the base kept dark/cold to make regulation .. less insane. Or maybe a base would just need a set of ‘screens’ (how many fences of slightly up/down-angled aluminized mylar?

              Otherwise you might need to build a mobile ‘base’ that traveled around the globe on some near-constant lattitude, keeping always just into the night-ish side ot the terminator. System’s Most Expensive Railway?

              Now, as for farming there… that’s an Even Bigger Problem.

              1. don’t know about the Radiation and Mercury has a magnetosphere though I’ve no clue how strong compared to what the ISS sees, but the ISS sees +250F on the sunny side. Granted it gets relief as it orbits about 16 times a day, and Mercury takes about 176 days to to rotate in relation to the Sun. so 87-88 days of cooking to cooling. But a few degrees into the shade side for a rail road (only work at night!)
                Again, a rail around the equator would be about 9526 miles long, so keep it in 100 Kelvin for a low temp there, a shade warmer than the near-Pole’s low. Hmm, just off horizon from the Sun wouldn’t be a very long railroad come to think of it, just hope the engine don’t quit. But there are permanently dark craters containing water ice at the poles, so hit one of those and set up there, I’d think. Just deal with the cold.

    Guess I’ll have to order a bag myself.
    Although I still need to run over to the store and pick up a back of Black Powder Coffee for a test.

  4. Hum, they offer free shipping, I might have to order some. Mars, to their facility in Apopka, Florida, to my house in North Pole, Alaska; roughly one hundred and eight million, four thousand six hundred and three miles, +/- a million miles, of course, depending on where earth and mars are on their sun circuits.

  5. Coffee is good. Wallabies like coffee. Wallaby ought go fill mug with coffee and consume it so that wallaby can think up something amusing to comment.

    Wallaby is ignoring all those people snorting that wallaby is going to need a bigger mug, that the next amusing thing wallaby comments will be the first.

  6. *I* am forbidden coffee. (speaking as a Latter-day Saint, AKA Mormon, that is.) Hence my complete lack of interest (or belief) in King Harv’s Martian brand. Although if I were sufficiently evil I might daydream of cultivating a species of flat cat with a dietary preference for coffee beans.

  7. A fun read. One day when I am either celebrating or have more income, I will have to try this coffee. Chocolate nut taste sounds pretty good. I used to drink world coffee in Germany. I do miss the variations.

  8. And so, Mrs. Hoyt, you say you opened an email from your Spam folder, accepted a “free” offer,

    and found there was a string attached?

    1. No. No strings.
      He just told me he was doing htis for the flight of ingenuity, and I ASKED him for a guest post. I’d seen his inserts with the Mars coffee you see. And heaven help me, we NEED laughs right now.

      1. We definitely need laughs! Unfortunately I’m really sensitive to caffeine (can’t even get away with more than a small bit of chocolate at night) so I had to order some of the decaf.

      2. we NEED laughs right now.

        Other than those placed in office by the Deceased American Caucus.

      3. A fishing line to Mars is still a string. Biggest “with strings attached” offer I’ve ever heard of, in fact.

      4. The string to Mars, perhaps? (Grin)


        Oh well. One more reason I am not earning a living in Comedy.

  9. I just visited the King Harv’s Coffee website to see what all the fun was about, and saw this acknowledgement on the home page.

    And a big thank you to the great Science Fiction Author Sarah A. Hoyt, for posting our Martian coffee story at her website Check out Sarah Hoyt Books.

    Delightful website and fascinating coffee selections. It seem almost sad that I am a tea-totaler. 😉

  10. I know it’s an extended commercial, but the product is good and the commercial is hilarious.

    Hey! This is a crowd staunchly supportive of free market capitalism: commercials (openly identified) are no problem.

    Especially when they are entertaining.

    (And I confess to being one of those folk who like to rewind and review a commercial to analyze the buttons they’re trying to push.)

    1. Exactly. What I object to is click bait which is designed to appeal to the lowest human emotions, bypassing reason and going directly to that lizard brain. Unfortunately that’s what we get on the internet these days, because all of those companies are doing “A/B tests” and picking the one that’s most “effective” without regard to any other morals or values.

      1. And/or the place that have an bit that might be interesting, but are “watch this SHORT video” (which is NOT SHORT) and lacks any timestamp indication or means to get to near the end and they go on and on about things, that is *OBVIOUSLY* an attempt at hypnosis/suggestion with not only repetition but possibly hoping you’ll buy in since you’ve already invest so much time in watching… FWIW, I’ve never had the patience to watch the whole damn thing, Someday I should try it, sound off, and time it as I read glance up from a book (paper, e, doesn’t matter) once in a while. I’m curious at how long the “SHORT VIDEO” really is. But not enough to watch the whole damn thing. [Once again, I am grateful that I read and re-read a copy of Hypnotism by Estabrooks. “That you cannot be hypnotized ‘against your will’ is true, but it doesn’t matter. You can be hypnotized without your consent, which, for some, is even better.” (paraphrased, emphasis mine).]

    1. #metoo

      I’ve marked the page to check it out. Get me some for mother’s day and maybe share with mom 🙂

      My kind of commercial!!!

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