Of Moving and Cheese

My husband is very very (very) nearsighted.  Periodically you accidentally move something he’s counting on early morning before he had his glasses on, and he — no longer goes ballistic, but — says “stop moving my cheese.”

This is of course a reference to some manual or other that said we’re like mice racing to the cheese and don’t like it when our cheese is moved.  Keep this in mind.  the whole post might seem to be about something else but this too is relevant.

The other day we had occasion to drive by the old house, and while I still don’t miss it (Victorians REALLY are a load of work) I realized I missed the neighborhood.  I missed the streets I knew, the places I used to go shopping.  There was this cranky “I wanna be where everybody knows my name” even though that’s not even remotely true, since this is an urban neighborhood and we had neighbors on the street we didn’t even exchange “hellos” with in 13 years.  But there was that longing for the familiar, even the familiar that annoyed, like the little Safeway that never had anything you needed, no way no how.

I found myself driving out of the way to go to the old, pokey, stand in line for hours neighborhood post office.

This has absolutely nothing to do with rationality. It has everything to do with habit in a very physical sense. Because we’re creatures of habit, we like the familiar.  yes, even those of us who like to try new things and explore.

There is a ratio there, and if you flip the ratio of old to new, you start getting panicky.  There is an actual sense of de-stressing as I immerse myself in familiar places, even those I didn’t like that much.  I guess that’s why they say moving is so stressful.  Also why, bizarrely, I found that watching people PACK was stressful, while unpacking and seeing my familiar stuff made me feel better.

Also I noticed as I get older, I find that the change I CAN tolerate is a smaller ratio than when I was younger.  I could travel more, for instance, and stay away longer before I longed for the familiar.

I don’t think I’m strange.  I’ve seen it in other people as well.  In fact I probably fal on the low side of the need for ordered and familiar experiences.

This move, and the prospect of another move soonish, though, has me rattled.  For a year and a half now, some of my stuff has been packed away, and I can’t find my research books in the expected places.

I found on my last move, when we changed my desk and the wall pictures and everything, that I actually prefer the crappy old, cut from magazine pictures I had on my walls when I started out and I was broke, to the new, art stuff I can buy now.  Because the early ones are “How I’ve always worked.”

And that is affecting me in more ways than one, because these last two years have been no-stop change.  Not only in houses, but we lost one of our oldest friends, and also older son moved away, to pursue his studies in medicine.  Not to far away, in our son’s case, and it’s a good thing, but it’s a huge change in family dynamics and all, particularly as our younger son has very little time for us this year.

I find myself disquieted and … off… and longing for “home” even though our next home might very well end up being a place we haven’t even seen yet.  But it will be a place to settle and become familiar with.  A place to make into home.

And as I realized the load of subconscious/unconscious/not really logical stress building up, and that I was powerless to stop it, short of moving to a permanent place and settling in, and making it home, I realized the way tech has affected society, too.

It was sort of okay when it was just computers making communications easier.  And cell phones are so convenient.  Who doesn’t like ease and convenience.

But now the fast communications and the ability to live and work anywhere, and the tech to bypass publishers, and the tech to bypass newspapers, and the tech to bypass stores, and and and and and, are making real and permanent changes to the way we live.  A lot of them.  Faster ones.  We found when looking for a house the first time in 13 years that things had changed completely, even to the sites in which you look.

And I wonder if we’ve flipped the dial on change too far for those who aren’t even particularly addicted to the familiar.

And if that — as well as the crappy economy — explains why we’re all so stressed, out of sorts, filled with apocalyptic feelings that can’t be fully blamed on watching the election season unfold.

Are we a nation of people wondering who moved our cheese?

In The Future We’re All Ducks — a blast from the past post from 10/9/2011

In The Future We’re All Ducks — a blast from the past post from 10/9/2011

When I woke up this morning, I realized two things. One, I hadn’t written a blogpost last night to go up today. I was supposed to, but I’ve been away two weeks, so I had a whole lot of house and postponed “stuff” to catch up on. Two, the blogpost was supposed to be at Mad Genius Club as well.

This last immediately sent me into a tail spin, because what I post on my own blog can be whatever, including bits of novel. But Mad Genius Club is a grown up blog for grown up writers and mostly deals with the business. Which means… I was staring into an abyss of lack of ideas and – yes, thank you for reminding me, darlings – I was already late.

And then, because my life is a constant game of “I can top that” I got a title for the post in my mind, and it wouldn’t go away. AND it was In the Future We’re All Ducks.

At which point I started running around in circles, metaphorically speaking. VERY metaphorically, because I was still lying in bed doing that catalog of body parts every science fiction writer does in the morning. “Item, two arms. Item, two legs. No tail. No tentacles. So far so good.” (What do you mean other sf writers don’t do that? Really? Odd of them.)

And then I thought: Duck, Donald. And suddenly I realized what this post was all about. However, the fact it came to me this way is a level of bad news I can’t begin to talk about. You see, until now my stories come to me this way, but my non-fiction came from the rational side. “Today, I’m going to write about…” Well, apparently those halcyon days are gone. From now on, non-fic will do what fic does and ambush me in the nook between the pantry and the basement door, prepared to jump out at me when I’m not thinking of anything in particular. Mark my words, no good will come of this.

But other than the fact articles have joined the viciously aggressive fiction ideas, what the heck do I mean about Donald Duck? Do I mean in the future we all stop wearing pants? I don’t know about you, my friend, but at 48, with fifty staring me in the face, you can have my jeans when you pry them off my cold, dead legs. So, no, that’s not what I’m talking about.

No. What I’m talking about here are Disney comics. (Which are subtly different from the other Disney productions in that they are sort of like sf classics to literary fic. There’s no money in them – they say – the houses are constantly changing, and finding them can be a little difficult, since even most comic bookstores don’t carry them. However, for some of us they’re an acquired taste.) I first started reading Disney comics when I first started reading. Or rather, they taught me to read. See, they had images to help me remember the words, and people read them to me over and over (stories about Atlantis and such. FAR more interesting than See Spot Run or even Dr. Seuss) and eventually the words and letters started making sense, and I figured out which letter went with which sound. I was very bored. Also, I didn’t have tv.)

What I’m talking about is this: In Disney comics, people don’t really have real jobs. Occupations are something that come and go, flit in and out of their lives. Donald will become a master beautician in one story. In the next he’s working as a janitor for Uncle Scrooge. And they never really seem to worry unless the story is about money.

For some time now I’ve been following Susannah Breslin’s blog Pink Slipped over at Forbes blogs. From her work and others, an image is sort of emerging.

First a little retrospective. In my father’s day, even when it wasn’t, we tended to view employment as a life-time thing. Heck, my brother – because Portugal is 20 years behind this stuff, though, for their sins, catching up fast – worked for only one company his entire lifetime.

When my generation came of age, we found a different world. For one, a lot of us only found work as contractors or (for the liberal arts majors) as “temps” with no security and no promise of anything beyond the two months or whatever the contract lasted.

Mind you, there are arguments pro and con that sort of thing, and this change was not only in response to tech, but in response to regulations. Absent the regulations, the employment market would have been more stable. But if you have figured out a way to make governments understand that economics is a SCIENCE and stop trying to play witch doctors with a chaotic system that even the best practitioners don’t fully understand, all I can say is “Use your powers for good.” Oh, yeah, and “Can you make pigs fly? It would be so cute.

However, the more mobile and adaptable work force did improve business efficiency and adapt us to a technology where computers replaced typewriters and office messengers and, oh, yeah, tons of other things and jobs.

Now the tech is different yet again, partly because of the internet, partly because of easier manufacturing, partly because of new ways of delivering information (so long, paper.) Government responded as government often does, in this case more or less explicitely surrendering to fantasies of being back in time, before WWII. Do what, right? We don’t elect futurists. We elect mostly lawyers, which means people who think the world is not only made of words (writers run into this, too) but that if you change the words the world will change. Yeah. They also think that laws do what you want them to, instead of unleashing a storm of unintended consequences along with the intended or sometimes instead. Never mind.

So we have an employment crisis and people who are finding employment (a minority) are finding it pays less and often lasts only a few months. Or days.

The same is true for writers. Most of us are either getting run out of contracts with publishing houses (not yours truly, yes, but I can read print when it’s twelve feet long and on fire. I might have employment for another decade, or forever, but it won’t be as much or as secure as I had before.) And those of us lucky enough to still work for the major players are getting nickle and dimed. Meanwhile there’s a new world of indie publishing and some people are getting rich at it, while others are making… nickels and dimes. And their relative positioning in the market before this doesn’t seem to mean much.

So… What is the future?

From reading Susan Breslin, and Kris Rusch, and a ton of others both in the industry and out, who are blogging these changes because they’re either going through them or because they too can read print, I have a few tentative conclusions:

1- In the future we’re all ducks.

It used to be, even for writing freelancers, that we had something close to “employment.” If you did well for your house, they kept “hiring” you and eventually you became a “solid sell” for them, and if you were lucky made a living wage. This was, with the exception of a couple of houses, before my time, when you – largely – got treated as a disposable temp. Now, you’re not even that, because the houses are desperate and bookstores are imploding. Even if your title did very, very well and they’d consider pushing your second title, do you know that particular imprint will be there in six months? Or that they won’t decide to cannibalize your potential promo money to back a “sure thing” bestseller? (Who nine times out of ten isn’t, but never mind that either.) So… Take the money and run. And don’t sign anything that ties you to that house forever. And:

2- Learn to be flexible

While I don’t envision a future where you learn a skill like beautician but are just as happy sweeping sidewalks the next week (except as a stop-gap measure) you MIGHT have to learn to be more flexible in your own field. Say you have a beauty salon… Learn to do nails as well as hair. Consider learning braiding if it’s not regulated in your state (really! Yep, dangerous skill and all. GAH.) Look into makeup as well. You might not have the same slate of dedicated permers or whatever, but you can make the same money from different sources.

For me – because I was so hidebound <G> – this is meaning more and more learning non fiction as well. For others it might mean learning to write shorts and releasing those indie, because the nickles and dimes it provides will fill in the cracks between novels. Also, it might help publicity. Look at other opportunities in your area. Be creative.

3- My husband tells me there is a concept in business called, Nibbling. This is when businesses bid on projects as contractors. Instead of bidding on the whole job, you claim a little insignificant corner of it, and then “nibble in” i.e. find more and more ways to be useful in the project, until you’re doing a considerable chunk of it. Consider this. That house which is still treating you well does sf and mystery, say? You got in with mystery? Do a side novel and ask the editor to consider it. Make it sf. (See the be flexible thing.) Your short story is a runaway seller on Amazon (#1 son, I’m looking at you!) consider a novel in the same world. Or just increase your effort at shorts.

4- Freelance as a way of life

No, I don’t think EVERY occupation will be freelancers. Some have obvious limitations. But I think where writers are now, others will be soon, where more and more they’re freelancers loosely attached to various companies and projects. And where looking for work is just a normal part of life, so that the freelancing can continue. This has some serious drawbacks: Security is a big one, and some of us have serious issues with lack thereof, which means we’ll have to find a way to live with that. The other is the constant job search, which can make even sane people a little odd, particularly in a world where everyone lives in the limelight. But hey, it has side benefits too. Breslin says she now makes more money out of freelancing than she did out of her regular job. But she has more fun. And that’s part of this. The few times I’ve had honest work type of jobs (TM) I found that 80% of it was rote and boredom. Whatever the freelance lifestyle might be, it ain’t boring. It gives you a chance to learn and grow. In fact, it’s learn and grow OR die. And if you do exceptionally well one month, you can relax a little the next and to an extent your time is your own – or at least you have more control over it.

And to me that’s the ultimate reward. No, I’m still not sure how to make a living in the new world, but I guarantee I’ll figure it out. Yeah, times might get scary between, but look… I don’t know how to give up, so I’ll figure it out. And when I do, I’ll be my own woman. Win or lose, it will be under my control, and not at the mercy of someone else’s whims or perceptions.

I rather like that.

Quack.

The Books Blossom – Freerange Oyster

*Sorry this is so late.  I got sidetracked into generic “errands” this morning.  I’m not dead, though all week I felt like it was a close thing.  I’m fairly sure I’ve not been taking thyroid meds in the morning, only midday, which means… Well, it feels like I’m getting the flu.  I’ve solved it by getting a box with compartments per day, which is why I’m fairly sure I’ve not been taking it.  I mean I woke up with a vivid memory of taking it, but the compartment was full.  So there you have it.  And yes, I need a minder, but in our current distracted state my minder needs a minder, so I’m finding short cuts to mind myself.

Derp fish is doing better.  Yes, I saw all the little Viking fish funeral links, thanks guys.  But I’m hoping it’s not needed for a while yet.  Hungry fish is doing loop dee loops for his food every morning.  I’m going to clean his aquarium today.

And Darkship Revenge is re-taking shape, and guys, honestly, Athena is freaking me out.  She’s growing up.  Not … well… she’s still Thena, but she’s almost an adult.

Now hark to the Mollusc’s book hawing.  Oh, yea, and buy my book too.

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Yes, it has sex — a reviewer said the sex scenes are not needed for the plot, about which he is wrong.  It’s needed to know what vamps can do, and it’s VERY needed for book two because of La Chevreuse, but that’s something yet to come.  Anyway, buy my book.  Vampires guaranteed not to sparkle.  Never have.  Never will.*

The Books Blossom – Freerange Oyster

Happy Saturday, everyone! To get your weekend off to a bookish start, I bring to you a foursome of fine fantasies from some first rate female fabulists. So go, have yourselves a wonderful day with a good book, and if possible enjoy some spring sunshine. Heck, if given the chance do both at once! As always, future entries can (and should!) be sent to my email. Happy reading!

Jason Dyck, AKA The Free Range Oyster

Henchman on the Half Shell

Alma Boykin

Hubris

The Azdhagi Reborn

Two little genes can bring down an empire.

Maker Seeri promised to create the perfect super soldier: strong, fast, telepathic, and endothermic. Three generations later, the survival of the Azdhag Empire, and perhaps of the Azdhag species, depends on six Azdhagi and an undersized True-dragon barkeeper.

Lord Kirlin’s disapproval of genetic technology rivals his disgust with Lord Tarkeela. Tarkeela thinks the Pack Lords deserve the disaster they created. Tarkeela’s ears on the street, the story-catcher Cheerka, suspects the Makers and Pack-Lords know more than they admit about the surge in dead and dying juniors. When the truth boils out of hiding, Pack Lords and commoners must hunt together, reunifying the Azdhag Pack before all hell breaks loose and hubris becomes nemesis.

Renaissance

A Novel of Azdhag Survival

The ghosts of the Great Relocation still haunt the Azdhagi.

Can a Lineage be allowed to die? Tartai says yes. The King-Emperor says no. A crisis on Pokara colony forces Tartai and the Prince Imperial to reconsider long-held beliefs while investigating either terrorism or further evidence of the bribe-ability of the local code enforcement agency.

But trouble never comes in twos, only threes…

J.M. Ney-Grimm

Caught in Amber

When young Fae awakens in a locked and deserted castle, she remembers nothing. Who she is, where she comes from, none of it.

Beauty from all the ages graces the castle – medieval towers, renaissance columns, and gothic vaults – but underneath the loveliness a lurking evil stirs.

Fae hates the loneliness and the sense of hidden malice oppressing her. Even more, she hates the feeling that just around some receding corner of lost memory lies the answer to her predicament – an answer just out of reach.

Karen Myers

Mistress of Animals

The Chained Adept Book 2

AN ERRANT CHILD WITH DISASTROUS POWERS AND NO ONE TO STAND IN HER WAY.

Penrys, the wizard with a chain and an unknown past, is drafted to find out what has happened to an entire clan of the nomadic Zannib. Nothing but their empty tents remain, abandoned on the autumn steppe with their herds.

This wasn’t a detour she’d planned on making, but there’s little choice. Winter is coming, and hundreds are missing.

The locals don’t trust her, but that’s nothing new. The question is, can she trust herself, when she discovers what her life might have been? Assuming, of course, that the price of so many dead was worth paying for it.

A Passion For Cubbyholes A Blast From the Past from February 2015

*Sorry this is so late.  Yesterday I was out of sorts most of the day.  I thought I was coming down with a cold but apparently other than seasonal allergies that’s not so, so either I forgot to take my morning meds OR it was tiredness from the move.  At any rate, I slept late, and then decided to do a Blast From The Past post.  Only WordPress has decided to mess with my ability to search my own posts, by not showing dates.  Also, the only way is either searching by keyword (and I didnt have one already in mind) or to just endlessly page downward.  Which I swear took me longer than it would to write a new post.  WordPress, I’m glaring at you!
And now I’ll go have more coffee and go do real work.*

A Passion For Cubbyholes A Blast From the Past from February 2015

Yesterday I took a shashay down to Otherwhere Gazette, where someone in the comments of the posts was asking what the difference was between us and the SJWs, except they had a college degree and we didn’t.

The assumption dumbfounded me. Of my friends, I’m one of the least educated ones, as Kate and Amanda pack multiple graduate degrees, Dave Freer is a doctor (of fishology. Okay, it might be marine biology) and Tedd Roberts… well, a supervisor to doctoral students, besides being a doctor himself. As for the people involved with Sad Puppies, I have clue zero what Brad’s degree is. It doesn’t normally come up in conversation. I do know that Larry has an accounting degree for which he most certainly went to college (and paid his own way.)

Myself, as most of you know, I’m about a year short of a doctorate and now not likely to ever take it, because it was in languages, but over thirty years those have gone rusty and besides what good does it do me, now?

[Addendum: I just wanted to note I also have brilliant friends without college degrees and that I don’t consider a degree a stamp of intelligence.  Never have.  I took my degree in the hopes of a secure job.  Until the third year I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know. (And then it was Swedish.)  Because the Author up there has a sense of humor, other than two brief stints teaching when Dan was unemployed, my degree has been of zero use for my actual work.  And I’ve learned more about areas like history that I never took in college than I ever did about the areas I did take in college.]

So the assumption that we didn’t have college degrees puzzled me. It reminded me of when a new girl about ten years younger than us, joined our writers’ group and assumed Rebecca Lickiss (physicist) and myself had no degrees. Why? Because we were married and had kids and chose to stay home with them. Therefore we clearly weren’t “educated.”

If you’re doing the sinal salute right now – fingers on either side of bridge of nose, head slightly bowed – yeah. I was too last night. It’s like they can’t conceive of people who have been “educated” choosing a different life path from them or even having different opinions.

I could say this was an effect of maleducation and their having illusions of intelligence. I.e. they let some college professors convince them that there is a “smart path” and a “stupid path” and the “smart path” for good little boys and girls with good grades obligates everyone to be a clone of whatever the professors envision.

I could, but we all went through the same maleducation and the same lectures which are mostly supposed to sell a point of view. And a lot of them are no dumber than we are. Yet we emerged… different. In fact, it’s almost a joke among my friends, and something that makes my kids’ blood run cold as they pursue their specialties, that few of us work at what we studied in college. And some of us have had intricately convoluted paths to get to doing what we actually enjoy.

So something different is at work here. It is in fact as though they thought that being “smart” obligated you to be an exact clone of them. As thought “smart and educated” were a category under which you get filed when you prove worthy of a college degree. (Which these days is not exactly hard. In my day, sonny! Also, get off my lawn.)

My son calls Wreck it Ralph the evilest movie ever made, because the moral of it at the end is “you should stay where you’re assigned.”

Yesterday I didn’t watch – but Dan was watching in the family room while I cooked – this movie where people got assigned a “role” and a station in adolescence. (That the authors thought there were only five and one was “thinker” was kind of funny. And sad. But mostly funny.)

I have no idea what the movie was, but what struck me was that as with Wreck it Ralph, the movie seemed to believe this putting of people in pigeon holes was a good thing.

It is a lust I’ve noticed among the people on the left, in the last oh, ten years. People should be assigned places according to their capacity judged by an “impartial” third party. That way they wouldn’t have the great unwashed crowding them about. Every person in his place and a place for everyone.

It’s all of a piece with their believing that the government must be brought into the most minute transactions and decisions affecting someone. There must be after all a government authority that decides I must have healthcare insurance, and I must have the package my ‘betters’ designed, providing for both birth control and abortion, even though I’d only need the first if I had a completely different body and I’d only have the second if I had a lobotomy. There must be a (benevolent) government dictating for whom one must bake wedding cakes. No decision too large and no decision too small when it comes to you not making it.

Because, you see, you’re just a widget, supposed to fit into a slot and do what you’re supposed to do, while all decisions, all rules control what you can do, so you’re no different than all those other widgets in the same slot.

This is of a piece with their inventing a multitude of genders (how many was it at last count, 41?) including “seeking” which means “don’t know.” It’s like they believe being a man or a woman and gay or straight means you have to absolutely conform to the stereotypes. If you don’t, you need a new word to describe what you are because every widget must be described so the right slot is found for him/her/shim/sher/blob. The seeking part always makes me think goes something like this “ZOMG, I’m not being attracted to anyone right now. I don’t know what I am. Seeking, seeking, seeking.” If you imagine that said in a little robot voice it’s just about perfect.

What amazes me is their assumption that not just them but EVERYONE would be happy in a world like that, where each human is put in a cubby and expected to live there forever.

I do them the justice of thinking their mistaken even about themselves. Particularly about themselves. A lot of the people who hold hardest to the idea that every little human comes stamped with a function (sort of like an egg) and an identification which determines his/her destiny are the sort of people who wake up on Tuesday morning and decide their real identity is dragon, something previously unsuspected in their sixty years of life. They’re the people who abandon a marriage of twenty years to “go find themselves” because apparently they somehow slipped behind the sofa cushions unnoticed. They’re the people whose resume goes from barista to physicist to astrologer and back again.

I think that’s why the lust for the ordered world. They feel out of control, bewildered by too many options, and lust for an ordered world where someone would psychically know where they belong and put them in the place where they’d be happy.

Two problems: first who can do that? We don’t have immortals among us, who can read the heart of men (yeah, and women and seeking, too) and tell exactly where you belong and where you’d be happy. Himself up there might be able to tell you that but He didn’t and gave you free will instead. Second what if there isn’t a place you’d be happy? Perhaps you weren’t built to be contented. Perhaps you’re someone who never quite fits in and pokes every away and towards the edges. Those have existed throughout history and there really is nothing wrong with being one of them.

In fact, the attempts by communist regimes to do this sort of thing were all more or less disastrous. Human beings, real human beings, aren’t easy to second guess or to “place” and tend to resist having their lives dictated to them.

So, beyond not making assumptions about the IQ or education of their opponents, I’d counsel our friends on the left (or anyone who thinks like that, though for some reason that’s mostly on the left) to possess their souls in patience and realize this utopia they seek is not only impossible, but it would be a nightmare for everyone, even the bureaucrats assigned to assigning people. (Can you imagine a more soul-eating job? For the corrupt it would be a chance at more corruption. For the conscientious trying to guess ‘right’ it would lead them to suicide.)

You have free will. Learn to use it. And kindly remove your boot off my neck and your governmental mandates off my life.

They will not bring me happiness, and I will ensure keeping them there and attempting to lord it over me doesn’t bring you any either.

Because I am not widget. I am a human being with distinct opinions, thoughts, and power of decision. You will never be able to understand the complexity and contradictions in a single human being, much less mandate what will make that person happy forever or what role they could fulfill for the rest of their lives.

And that’s a good thing.

 

TANSTAAFL

This is not about Bernie Sanders.  Amanda wrote that post.  It’s not even about price as we’re used to thinking about it, in dimes and nickels and dollars and all.  This is about other prices (though in the end money is usually a translation of time and effort and other trade offs we’ve made too.)

Yesterday Older Son realized that he has to mothball his Ninja Nun comics and bid sister Agnes Day farewell possibly forever.

Perhaps you’ll say this should have occurred to him before, but like many other things in life, it came on so gradually that it didn’t hit him full force till last night.  He hasn’t updated in over a year, first because he was helping me rebuild the Victorian almost from the ground up (more like refinish, but that’s about it) while working almost full time, and then because he was accepted into medschool, we had to find him an apartment, and then he was getting hit with the hammer of MS1 — now almost finished — which I understand like many military disciplines IS supposed to break you, so they can reassemble you the way they wish.

Suddenly he was faced with the fact the upcoming summer is the only summer he’ll have ALMOST free for the next seven years or so, and while he can resume Agnes and take her to a point where she can be safely parked, he’s not sure when or if he’ll come back to it.  Sure, theoretically, he might have more time when he is a full doctor, but is that time better spent on comics, or novels?  And if comics can you pick up after ten years on the same character and setting?  I’ve tried to do that with novels, and let me tell you, it’s a task.

We had a rather maudlin conversation last night, as he realized, to put it in simple terms, that when you pick a path you can’t walk the other as well.  You either follow one road or the other.  You can’t walk both.

Now most of us here are… uh… insane would be the term, but overachievers or polymaths would work if we want to be polite.  We — almost all of us — have enough work and hobbies each for a platoon of busy people.

And for a long time (the boxes in my basement attest to this) I refused to believe that to walk one path is to deny the other.  I still do writing and art (and can’t wait to have a permanent abode again, so I can settle in and pull out the art computer and start working on everything I’ve lost through lack of practice) but I have boxes and boxes of fabric, and unless things calm down considerably once both boys are out of the house, I don’t think I’ll ever resume dressmaking.  I’d like to make stuffed dragons, at that edge where they’re almost sculptures, but I’d have to learn.  I still do fillet crochet but at glacial speed, since I only do it when I watch TV, which is rare these days.

What I mean to say is that I’m 53 and only now coming to grips with what my kid figured out: you pay in time and in yourself, as well as in money, for what you want to do.

As with a novels, where each time you make a choice you collapse all the possible choices, which makes the novel always less than it was in your head (and sometimes three novels, but that’s something else) every time you make a choice in life, you collapse the choices you can make from there.  Your range of choice becomes smaller.

For instance, when I chose to spend my time practicing writing, instead of rebuilding my freelance translation business after the move to Colorado, I didn’t realize I was paying for the opportunity to maybe one day be a professional writer with my mastery of languages, so that 24 years on, I could not really remember most of them (even if I can still read in them) and my own brother calls me an “Ex speaker of Portuguese.”

It’s not all bad.  It’s entirely possible I’d have made a lot more money if I’d stayed in translation, but you know, there’s no way to tell, and if I hadn’t tried writing, I’d be regretting it now.

And honestly, I never wanted to be a translator, I wanted to be a writer.

The trick of managing life is to accept you’re going to collapse your choices, but if you never collapse your choices, you never do anything or achieve anything.  You’re just living in a formless sea of unmade choices.

I have no idea whatsoever why older son wants to be a doctor.  But when he actually gets to do the hands-on stuff (rarely since he’s young in craft) you can’t help but realize that there might be more than volition here.  In the sense that someone is born to do something, he might have been born to do this.

I don’t know if I was born to write.  I know it’s what I always wanted to do, even when I thought it was impossible.  And I’ve paid the price, because there’s always a price.

The same with having the boys.  No regrets, butit cost us not just money, but time and health and energy.  However if I hadn’t done it, I’d have lived half a life, and I really — trite as it it sounds — wouldn’t trade the boys for anything, not even a Bil Gates sized fortune and a Stephen King sized career.

You puts down your bet, you collects the winnings.

I got maudlin, too, thinking of the paths not taken, and of everything I now lack the energy to do.  BUT we live in a blessed time.  It used to be you were done raising the kids and you were DONE.  Nothing in front of you but doddering old age or premature death.  Now you can start a career at fifty and still have 20 good years in it.

So… As we’re buffeted and besieged with the technological changes that are turning society upside down remember that every choice has a price, and some of the price you won’t even know.  But there’s no point getting mired in might have beens.

Choose.  Be.  Do.  A life where you never pay any price is a life where you never do anything.

Be not afraid.  Build. Live.  The price will take care of itself.

Putting Yourself Out there

One concept we keep coming across is that of a “silent majority.”  It is a concept easily ridiculed, because if they are the majority, why are they silent?

It is also a concept that proves itself again and again.  The early eruptions of tea parties here, the demonstration I attended in Portugal when I was (I think) sixteen.

The problem is that “the silent majority” brings up the wrong image.  This is not a crowd of people sitting at attention, stewing, unable to speak.

A more accurate name would be “the have a life majority.”

I got obsessed with politics early by being exposed to the fact that while I might want to ignore politics, politics doesn’t ignore me, and if you give people with power their head soon enough they’re intruding into your innocent pleasures: cancelling ballet classes; mandating you spend whole days painting murals; decreeing that your grade be by vote of the class… that type of nonsense.  And worse.

So I follow politics like a guard dog following an intruder.  But most people don’t.  Even my husband has no clue what I’m exercised about at any given time.  (Weirdly younger son inherited mom’s issue and he’ll roam around the house periodically going “Marshall smash” for reasons his father can’t fathom, relating to names he can’t recognize.)

I figure it’s kind of like most people are interested in the lives of celebrities and I just don’t get it.  Not meaning to say the lives of celebrities affect our daily lives or are interesting, but I figure that’s what most people think of politics too: too far away, too remote, too boring.

Are these people the majority?  I’d guess so.  From conversations heard in public spaces, even among the supposed cogniscenti, they might be an hyper majority.  Most people don’t understand anything of politics, and care even less.  In fact, most people think of politics as the business of people running for office.

But, Sarah, you say, what about the left which is on all the time?  Oh, most of them, except for the ringleaders, don’t really care either.  It’s just that “making progressive noises” is considered akin to “saying I’m a good person.”  That’s because the messages put out by our education, media, entertainment and even art in the last 100 years are so stilted as to equate “having progressive ideas” with “being a good person.”

What they’re doing is the equivalent of artists and noblemn in the middle ages making extremely Catholic noises, even though when you dig into their lives, most of them weren’t any better than current day celebrities.  I mean, DO keep in mind that Henry VIII pre-reformation, often listened to six or seven masses a day.  Yeah, he sure was a pious and well behaved gentleman.  Except for all the mistresses and all the byblows.

The truth of it was that they didn’t REALLY believe anymore than the masses on the left really believe in progressive ideals.  Oh, if pressed, they’ll parrot them, and if endangered they scream them, but this is all “look at me, look at me, I’m a beautiful and good person.”  Which btw, is how leftism persists as a positional good after communist country after communist country has been exposed as a sewer of moral corruption and material poverty.

So they’re louder, but they’re just as uninterested in truth and in what is going on in fact.  They just want to show they’re nice and thoughtful and belong to a certain class.

In fact, the only thing that brings out the silent majority (on either side) is real hardship.  They’re not fully out and bitching yet (it will take a lot more than that) but some of the crazy in this election season is from their first blinking at sunlight.

Rue the day they become fully engaged, because neither side knows a heck of a lot about economics, or society or … well, anything.  They haven’t paid attention.  they know about managing their lives, not about the macro society.  (Which is how most people are.  Not because they’re stupid but because they don’t care.)  And when they wake up the only thing they know is that they “don’t like” what is happening.  So the reaction tends to be … interesting.  It’s the sort of reaction that fed the guillotine.

Which is a danger to avert.  Because what comes after is never better, even than the horror of the the ancien regime.  And unfortunately good men as well as bad can drown in the rivers of blood.

Which is why years ago I decided to start speaking out.  To put myself out there.  I’m frankly the sort of person who, left to her own devices, wouldn’t interact with unknown people and would write only under pen names so no one knew.  At some point it because clear to me that some measure of fame is needed to make a fortune in this field.  I understand it, but I still don’t like it.

And yet, at some point I couldn’t stay silent and blend into the silent majority anymore.  Because as grandma used to say “Silence is consent.”  And what I was consenting to was the sort of spiral that ended in blood on the streets. Our “aristos” having taken over the media and all the means of information live in a bubble and ignore the vast, uninterested majority who is suffering from their stupid reality-divorced decisions.  This only ends one way.

No, my voice alone won’t avert it, but I’m doing what I can, and I can sleep at night, and I can look at myself in the mirror.

Can you?

 

Legacies

In the move, we’ve — somehow — managed to lose our forks (and the one flash drive that contained the almost ready to go Darkship Revenge, leaving me about half.  The copy on the computer is corrupted, the directory has disappeared AND — for what must be the first time in my life — I didn’t send the work in progress to friends.  WTH?  Anyone cursing me lately?  It gets better: I’ve narrowed “where the flash drive went” to the pocket of the jeans I wore while moving.  Which have disappeared.  Not in the wash, not washed, not hanging.  Seriously, this is ridiculous. It’s starting to feel uncanny.  I am going to rewrite the d*mn book from middle on (it’s not a raw rewrite, as I wrote two books conjoined) and maybe I’ll find where it went wrong, yes?  Because clearly someone is trying to tell me something.)

I was telling mom that all we have are dessert forks, and she freaked out “You lost your wedding cutlery.”  I had to explain, in small words, that no, I didn’t.  I lost the every day forks, not the good forks.  And then I got all brave and announced that when we move to the “final” (well, probably not really, as ten to fifteen years from now the boys will probably be settled elsewhere in the country and we’ll either move near one of them or get small places near each of them, and divide our time.  BUT “Final” for a while.) house, we’re going to get rid of the every day silverwear set (bought at big lots 17 years ago and such high quality the forks bend if you look at them wrong) and start using the good one every day.  “I’ve been married 30 years mom.  What am I saving the good set for?”

She thought about it, or at least there was a silence, and I prepared for an explosion, and then she said, “You have a point there.  I have “good” sets and “good” dishes, and yet if I die, no one wants them.  Everyone wants their own stuff.”

Which brings me to when mom’s grandmother died.  We got her good wool blanked.  I remember, because I used it to nap on the sofa (usually with the cat) all through my adolescence.  The wool blanket was of some artisan manufacturing and no longer made when Great-grand died, which meant it was probably valuable (I wonder if it still exists or moths ate it.)  At any rate great grandma’s possessions, when I was 6, were all subject to much dispute among children and grandchildren.  And you may say well, they were antiques.  Sort of, except no one treated them like that.  They treated them as everyday use stuff, and still they fought over them.

There was also the fact that my grandparents on mom’s side had an uneven number of chairs.  I.e. they had five children, but seven chairs.  Grandad used to joke (I think it was a joke) there would be a fight over the remaining two chairs.  In the same way, my parents had an extra kitchen stool, and my brother and I would stage mock fights for the extra stool.  (Five stools, two kids.)

It was a joke in our case, and in fact when my paternal grandmother died 24 (really, that long?  I still miss her everyday) years ago, there was no fight, not even over the land she owned, or the antiques in the house.  (I got some everyday use things: her religious books and guest towels.  It’s all I wanted, and it’s not the value.)

BUT at some point, possibly when I was very little, this stuff wasn’t a joke.  Which is why mom is keeping all her “good” stuff (in her case acquired late in her marriage, when they had the money.)  Because at one time high quality silverware and dishes were left to children and grandchildren.

And it’s why I’ve kept my “good” wedding silverware immaculate and used cheap-ass cr*p for 30 years.  Which is ridiculous.  If my boys get married, their brides will want their own stuff, not a handmedown from me, no matter how good a quality it is.  (Though I hope one of them marries a woman who REALLY likes tea, possibly British.  I have in my possession, come down both sides of the family — well, Dan is from new England — tea sets dating back to the 19th century.  “Wedding” tea sets, though on my side, more often than not acquired later in the marriage, when they had money.  And my own wedding teaset is added to it.  I think I used it twice in our marriage.  Anyone up for Writer’s Tea Parties after we move?  Perhaps A Writer’s Holiday Tea?)

So.  Our politicians are crappy, our social structures are decaying, our education sucks, but can we forget all the Rousseau crap already?

We are prosperous beyond measure.  Yes, a lot of what is made is crap, but we’re prosperous enough that the parable of the man who gave half his cloak to the beggar seems weird.  Why not give him a new, cheap cloak?

In the developed worlds no one goes naked for lack of clothes (which still happened in my day, often with children.)  They might wear crappy-ass clothes, but they don’t go naked.  No one goes hungry for lack of food (they might eat awful stuff for lack of the skills to cook better or lack of give a damn, but they don’t outright not eat.  Those children with distended bellies from honest-to-Bob famines?  We don’t have them.)

This is the day (relative) freedom has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

And then we can get back to fixing our culture, our education and our politicians.  (What, I think they should be neutered.  You?)

Go and make/build something today that can give fruits for generations to come.

We make, we build, we elevate.  It’s what we do.  If we work hard enough, we’ll do it faster than they can tear it down.

Meanwhile: It’s ALIVE!  Sword and Blood has gone live.

sword and bloodcover1

 

Nine Miles of Two Strand – Dave Freer

 Nine Miles of Two Strand – Dave Freer

Nine miles of two-strand topped with barbed wire
laid by the father for the son.
Good shelter down there on the valley floor,
down by where the sweet stream run.
Now they might give me compensation…
That’s not what I’m chasing. I was a rich man before yesterday.
Now all I have got is a cheque and a pickup truck.
I left my farm on the freeway.

Jethro Tull, Farm on the Freeway 1987

 

I’ve got a pig’s head in fridge.

 

Honestly, it keeps the milk fresh.

 

And how does it do this?

 

Well, by stopping me opening the fridge and looking at it, and knowing I have brawn to make.  Pigs are famous, or infamous, for the potential to use everything but the squeal. And I’m thinking of recording that and selling it our Social Justice Warriors in the church of the perpetually outraged. It’s almost indistinguishable in pitch, although the expert might detect an absence of the usual whine in shrillness.

A few years back when we came to Australia, I decided to go full loony and see if we could become largely self-sufficient. I was driven to this by the noblest of green and ecological motives: the fact that I was broke, and food imported to the island – I live on a remote island out in the middle of the Bass Strait, between mainland Australia and Tasmania – isn’t cheap. Emigration had been expensive, and something, somewhere had to be cut.  I’ve always hunted and fished and grown veg…

I learned a great deal about producing your own food (as opposed to just adding to it) and relying on what you catch to feed you. First and foremost, you can get thin pretty quickly.  Secondly harvesting from a supermarket is a lot easier than harvesting from the wild or the garden. Thirdly, there is always some free-loader who adds nothing, willing to ‘help’ you eat it. Fourthly – that delicious home grown veggie – tastes that way because it’s flavored with a lot of sweat.  Trust me on this, it is better when that’s someone else’s sweat.

All too many first world (and a fair number of the rest) have a fairly nebulous idea about where things come from – and not just food and drink.  Electricity just comes out of wall sockets. Light just comes out of globes. And water is spontaneously generated in the pipe that leads to the faucet.

We take these things for granted. They are, the way air is. Like air, we never think much about it until our wind-pipe is blocked and there isn’t any coming in to our lungs.  And when we go to the supermarket, and there is no meat in the chiller, or no veggies on the racks, why, we think we’re in Venezuela or Zimbabwe.

It may be that the government has decided to ‘help’ by setting the prices.  Or that the supply chain that stops cities running out of food in about a day and half is interrupted… or that people have gone full panic that it may, or some politically cushioned-from-his-own-idiocy moron has decided that farmers are irrelevant, easily substituted widgets. That well-run farms and gardens are not important.

The simple truth is when those goods from the primary producer aren’t there, it’s SHTF time for probably 80% of the first world, or more.

Which led to this:

 

When suddenly Britain had to feed itself in WW2 and there were not enough men to work the land. Heaven alone knows what they’d do now. Funnily I don’t see the latest generation of feminists embracing this eagerly, even if it real equality.

I’m actually less apocalyptic than most on this – I’ve been to Harare (and seen the ‘no parking, fine 300 000 000 dollars’ sign). Robert Mugabe and his cronies had destroyed agriculture in what was the bread-basket of Africa, exporting huge amount of food. Leaving politics and race out of it: he made the easy-to-make error – farmers are widgets, with no skills and no real value. We can take farms at gunpoint and give them – principally to our wealthy urban dwelling cronies (who, trust me on this, are as westernized and used to water coming out of a tap and electricity out of a socket as any urban American) and ‘landless peasants’ – mostly urban slum dwellers. The farms with the best houses and most cattle went to the former, the land which took ten acres to the cow, to the latter.  But all would be well, because actual farming was easy, something an idiot could thrive doing.  Yeah right. In this ‘Comrade Bob’ is indistinguishable from any latte sipping ‘liberal’ in New York City, or indeed a large part of the population of any large city, isolated from reality. It’s not skin color that makes stupid or ignorant.

Of course it’s not just farming that this holds true for. It’s primary production of any sort, be it fish or coal, or oil or electricity or even water. Or even fiction…

Here’s the thing – humans have been primary producers long before we learned to be anything else. Because, no matter how good a derivatives trader or school administrator you are, if there’s no food, no water, no shelter to live in, the only derivative is death and the only schooling is in how to die.  People learn to be primary producers. Or leave. Or die. And people can live on very, very little. You wouldn’t want to. Most of the ‘rights’ you hear shouted about come out of abundance. Being a woman in a society where people starve, means laws and ‘rights’ go to the wall pretty fast. But people do live through it.

The first world hasn’t seen much of a Mugabe problem. Indeed, food from elsewhere, money from elsewhere, kept the people of Zimbabwe alive, even if at a fraction of the quality of life they’d had before.  There have been a few trends running in Western world for the last few centuries – firstly farms have got bigger and farming much more efficient. Our crops, our crops our fertilizers our pest control got more effective (whether this is all good is a whole different argument). Secondly our supply chains have got vastly more efficient. Wheat from Egypt kept Ancient Rome alive – wheat from America kept a large part of the world alive.  Thirdly… this meant huge numbers of people left the land and moved to the cities. Odd though this may seem to me now, life was better and fuller for a lot of those doing this. They fed the labor needs of industry, which in turn fed back manufactured goods – from tractors to plastic piping that made a farmer’s life easier and more efficient.

Which all sounds terribly hunky-dory (that’s a dory with six-pack) until you look at the details, the ways things spin out. Firstly a lot of people resist change. If we leapt into the unknown – be that the big bad city or that green river with the logs with teeth – without caution, the human race would have had a very short, temporary visit of one generation, if that.  Cities grew out of very small villages, and moving to them had to sound good and be confirmed by returnees splashing the wealth, and flashing the finery… or nothing short of starvation, and not even always that could have induced the move.  For millennia cities have been painted as ‘better’, which was sometimes true.

Secondly: well what you need to survive and thrive in a crowded urban environment is quite different to what you need in a rural one, and even that was a pale shadow of what you needed as a colonist on a frontier. (And yes, humans are a colonist species. Not white humans, all humans. We colonize new environments. Otherwise we’d all be in a little valley in Africa. Many plants and animals do colonize.  It’s natural, normal biology. Get over it.)  Selective pressure over thousands and thousands of generations made us good at being colonists, good at being primary producers (of game, of wild food).  Take that selective pressure away, favor things like ‘must obey well’, ‘must not think for him/herself, but do what authority tells him/her to do’, ‘must not think too far ahead, because that gets you shortened by a head’… and these become selected for traits.

Of course you don’t select for one set of traits for millennia to have them disappear, just because you’re selecting for something different. Firstly some of those frontier/colonist traits are still useful – the independent thinking and adaptability work well – so long as that’s not ALL of the city dwellers.  And secondly, well crossbreeding humans throws up throwbacks, as much as it does in any other animal.

Those throwbacks, or part-throwbacks, are full of traits that would do real well thriving off the land or sea, but less well in the city.  They cope (sometimes) but when they get back to the life they fit at… well maybe it’s the soul-ular level rather than cellular one… they don’t just thrive. It’s like you’ve been dealing with sleep-walker who just woke up.

That was me.  I came alive when I went diving, got into the bush as a kid. I was lucky in that I could. Being too aware of noise or movement was no longer a dis-advantage.  Back in civilization I was trouble looking for a place to happen. Once I got out into the wild places I was, often as not, in trouble. But I wasn’t the pure and unrefined cause of it.  Actually, sometimes I was even fixing it.

And slipping back to my hunter-gatherer ancestry I was… at ease with myself. Hard work… was no chore. This was mine, but I was part of it. Stalking I can feel the land breathe with me. In the sea – I know its strength, its uncertainty, and that you cannot fight it, just use that strength.  With a spear… or a spade, or a saw, in my hand I am a man, and comfortable with it. Give me a storm and wild night, and the salt spray sheeting in… you bring me alive.  Give me a city street, and I am not. A dog and an empty hillside where I am bent against the bitter wind and trying to keep my rifle dry… that’s almost enough space for me. Cubicles and neon, may be warmer, more comfortable and better paid… but I’m a rich man out there.

It’s not for everyone, but it IS for some of us. And the land, and those hard and dangerous tasks need us. Like writers, we are not widgets. Some of us do a much better job of it.

And yet… especially among the young, that old myth persists. The city is better. The city is cool. The city is where you belong.

For some of them it is. Good. I don’t want or have to be there. I am glad they do it.

But for some of us it isn’t.

I wrote CHANGELING’S ISLAND for those who need the sea and sky and the open land. For the primary producers, without whom the cities die. Because we need them out here. And they need it just as badly. I write adventure stories, in which men and women are heroes.  This book is that first It’s a love song for the sea, the land and the men and women who love it Of magic and pragmatism. Of honor and a love for the land.

changeling island

The book comes out on the 5th. If you pre-order it’s $6.49. After that it’s over S10.

 

“They forgot they told us what this old land was for.
Grow two tons the acre, boy, between the stones.”

 

This Writer is Broken

Apparently I am not quite ready for my normal writing/editing schedule.  Or at least I feel dead this morning.  I’ve sat here, waiting for an idea to write, but it’s not there.  Go read the last two posts. https://accordingtohoyt.com/2016/04/02/first-blood-free-complete-short-story/

https://accordingtohoyt.com/2016/04/01/preview-and-pre-order/

I’m alive, just tired.  I’m going to get dressed and help Dan set up his office.  I want to go to the zoo but I don’t think it’s on the program today.

First Blood – Free, Complete Short Story

This story is set in the world of Vampire Musketeers, and it is the origin story for Aramis.  There will also, eventually, be origin stories for Porthos and of course Athos.  We already have D’Artagnan’s in Sword and Blood.

If you like it, consider pre-ordering Sword and Blood, which comes out Monday.

First Blood

Sarah A. Hoyt

He was not a man.

The knowledge washed over young Rene D’Herblay as he hid between the wall of the refectory and the side of the lectern, clutching the cross he’d taken from the wall above his bed. That knowledge made him shake more than the sounds coming from the refectory, in the dark: the sounds of bones breaking, the sounds of fighting, the laughter of vampires, the sucking of blood, the gurgles of the dying.

He was not a man. Not a real one, a fighting man, fierce and feared as his father had been. Not even a man like his older brother, the Chevalier D’Herblay, lord of the D’Herblay domains and respected by farmers and tenants who looked to him for protection.

Rene might have whiled away his days in this refectory, while the Reader read improving texts from the lectern, drawing swords on his spilled soup and dreaming of commanding armies, but his family had always been right about him: small and slight, he had been made for the safety of the seminary and the protecting arms of the Church, not for the rough and tumble, the strife and blood of the battlefield.

Only now the church itself had been broached, the seminary had been broken into in the middle of the night. First, the Judas goats, the servants of vampires, had come, removing every holy symbol that might disturb their masters, spilling all the holy water and the salt that might have injured the vampires.

Rene had awakened to the sounds of fighting and dying in the room and, instead of finding a sword and fighting the Judas goats, he’d minded only his safety, grabbing the forgotten cross from the wall above his bed and running madly to the chapel where he’d taken the holy blood from the tabernacle.  In the dark he couldn’t find the monstrance that contained the holy body.

Slim, slight, Rene had always been told by his towering brother that he was more girl than boy, that he didn’t look like the family, that he partook a sickly and weak nature from being born of a sickly and delicate second wife of dubiously noble blood, who’d proven herself unworthy of the D’Herblay name by dying at Rene’s birth. Usually Gautier added, in an undertone, that Rene should have died with her and good riddance. But Rene’s build now served to preserve his life, as he’d been able to squeeze into a corner where no one would think to look for a seminarian.

Now he clutched the cross and the wine and tried to remember the words of a prayer, any prayer. Only no prayer would come. And he was shaking so hard that the holy blood spilled on his rough linen shirt: the only thing he was wearing since he’d been in bed when the Judas goats came. And the cross was leaving marks on his hand from being clutched so tightly.

Someone screamed just on the other side of the tall lectern, and Rene clamped his teeth together, afraid their rattling would call attention to him and tried to form in his mind “Our Father–”

“Our Father–” but he never got past that, because all he could remember of his father, who’d died before Rene was five, was a stern face, a stern voice telling him not to cry when Rene had just injured himself; and a hand on his shoulder while a voice said, “Always remember that you’re a D’Herblay. Always make our name proud, my son. Be a man.”

And now Rene wondered, in a sudden pang of fear if he’d see his father on the other side, and what his father would say. And would God look like his father?

He tried again to form the words in his mind “Our Father–”

But he couldn’t go on. All those years he’d spent dreaming of leaving the seminary; of joining the musketeers under the assumed name of Aramis; of doing great deeds. It had all been for nothing.

He wasn’t a man.

“Oh, what have we here?” a voice sounded from above him. Looking up, Rene saw, looking down on him, two wide staring eyes, a very pale face surrounded by a welter of dark hair, and a cruel grin that displayed two large, sharp fangs.

Rene heard the strangled cry leave his lips as he tried to knit himself even tighter with the wall, attempting to escape. But there was no escape. Why had he thought there would be? Most people in the seminary, his masters and colleagues, were now dead or dying. He could smell spilled blood everywhere, as well as piss and the sweat of fear – some likely his own, though he was too scared to be sure. Why had he thought he could escape?

The vampire’s large hand plunged behind the lectern, grabbed at the back of Rene’ shirt and lifted him until his feet left the ground. Vampires have unnatural strength, Rene thought, his mind stupefied and amazed, as his body tried to scrabble and bring the cross in front of the vampire’s eyes – easier said than done, since the vampire was grabbing him facing away from the vampire. Vampires have unnatural strength. It had to be, because though Rene was shorter than most men in his family and slimmer and more limber than most men, he was not that small for a nineteen year old. And men shouldn’t be able to lift nineteen year olds as though they were infants.

He tried to spin, without having anything to serve him as a base to spin from, and bring the cross in front of the vampire. He’d not managed it yet when the vampire hit Rene’s wrist hard with his free hand. It cracked and blinding pain radiated up Rene’s  arm and shoulder.

Now the vampire spun him around. In the same movement, he turned from where the cross had fallen and laughed, a great, amused laugh, “Ah, you’d be a brave one, would you? But why fight it? We don’t kill pretty little boys like you, you know?” The laughter again and something in the vampire’s eye, something that Rene thought fit the word concupiscence which he’d heard before, from his confessor, but never fully understood. Oh, he’d loved Aimée. He’d loved Aimée a corps perdue, which was why Gautier had sent him here. But he’d never looked at her as though she were fresh steak and Rene a famished tiger. That a man, a vampire, should look at Rene that way made Rene’s gorge rise and his mind befog with fear and disgust. “No,” he yelled, and – to the new bout of vampire laughter – his hand that had been clutching the chalice with the holy blood to his chest, rose as though of its own accord and flung the liquid in the vampire’s face.

Laughter turned to scream, an unholy scream that rent the night in two, and Rene had time to see the vampire’s face melting like wax in the fire as the vampire let him go. Rene dropped the cup and ran.

Knowing he was lost; knowing he didn’t have much time, knowing the darkness was full of other vampires, Rene scrambled away, half crawling, before he got to the door of the refectory. He flung it open and ran blindly along the corridor, his bare feet slapping the cold flagstones, his pain-wracked right wrist cradled in his left hand.

He was going to Hell. The one thing drummed into them, over and over and over again, since they’d been in the seminary; the one thing that his priest had drummed into him at home, before the seminary, was that the bread and blood were truly parts of Christ. They were to be preserved from desecration at all costs. In extreme instances, the faithful was to take the communion into himself, if properly confessed, and save it from desecration. Instead Rene had flung it in face of the vampire. He was going to Hell.

It wasn’t until he’d run, headlong, the length of the hallway and emerged onto a street covered in ice, under falling snow, that it occurred to him to wonder how different could Hell be from this France where vampires had taken over, where vampires ruled the night and good people locked themselves in their houses at sunset, hoping that this time the blood suckers would pass them over; hoping to be human one more night.

Rene knit himself with the shadows of the houses and kept running. It was very quiet out here. Every window and door he passed was heavily barricaded. There was no refuge.

After a while, he wasn’t sure how long, Rene realized his feet hurt with the burn of cold every time they hit the frozen dirt and muck on the streets. He thought, distantly, as though it were all happening to some other person long ago, that his feet would freeze. And then the rest of him would freeze. And he would end up dead – as dead as he would have been if the vampire had bitten him. Only in that case there was at least the possibility of a life in death and– No. He remembered the look in the vampire’s eyes, and for the first time the phrase fate worse than death made itself clear in his head.

He kept running because his body didn’t know enough to realize he was dead and that there was nothing he could do. He kept running, looking frantically about for an open door, for smoke, for fire, for a hint that there might be hope somewhere. Which was when he saw the light coming from behind him to light up the street, and, turning around, saw the seminary and the church to which it had been attached go up in a great conflagration of fire, and vampires leaving in groups, laughing and essaying little jigs. It was impossible not to note some of those vampires wore the same bodies that had, until recently, belonged to his masters and colleagues.

Rene’s gorge rose, and he threw up unexpectedly at his feet, a brief eruption, since all he had in his stomach were the remnants of soup and a slice of bread he’d swallowed for supper, this being Advent and a time of fasting.

The vampires would come. They’d spread over the neighborhood, looking for fresh blood. Wiping his mouth to the back of his hand, he scrambled into the first alley he came to.

Where he heard the noise of fighting, the grunt of a man overcome by another. Looking ahead, he saw the man in the heavy cloak and the vampire holding him, bending over him, about to take a bite from the man’s neck. The memory of the vampire’s eyes, the unclean lust in them – a lust for blood, Rene guessed, more than other pleasures of the flesh – flashed into Rene’s mind. Blindly, he looked for something to use as a weapon. He glimpsed a flowerpot in the recessed doorway of a house. It was empty of everything but soil and the withered twigs and leaves that remained of the flower that must have grown in it in spring. Rene would have given anything for a heavy tree limb, but if this was all he had, then this was all he had. He grabbed at the edge of the flower pot with his left hand and, clumsily, flung it through the air at the vampire’s head.

For a sick moment he thought he’d hit the vampire’s victim, or nothing at all. Rene had been good at games of marksmanship and strength, but not with a left hand that felt half frozen. But then the vase hit the back of the vampire’s head. There was a sickening crunch. The vampire started to turn and Rene jumped back to knit with the wall. Then the vampire fell, suddenly, and Rene looked up as the vampire’s would-be victim straightened.

He was a man in his late middle age, with a fringe of white hair and an expression of decided gentility, and he looked tired, as though he’d fought the vampire to a standstill. He glanced across at Rene and his eyes widened, as though not believing the form his savior had taken, then he looked down at the vampire and spat on it. Reaching down, the man retrieved the largest piece the pot had broken into.

“Monsieur,” Rene managed to say, though his words were barely a whisper, all breath and chattering teeth. “Monsieur, we must run. There are many of them, all around. They’re headed here.”

The man looked up. He was positioning the shard of pot on the vampire’s neck, in a way Rene couldn’t understand, and he gave Rene the barest twitching of lips that might pass for a smile, a laughing in the teeth of hell kind of smile that was perhaps amusement but not joy. “I know,” he said. “I know, my son, but we must sever this one’s head from his body, or he’ll come after us. He knows who I am, you see.” As he spoke, he set his foot, clad in a heavy, spurred boot on the edge of the pot shard and stomped down.

Something black poured from the vampire’s body, flowing across the frozen street like oil, and smelling like a thousand opened graves pouring forth corruption. Rene shuddered and found himself trembling as his stomach attempted to bring up contents it didn’t have. He found a hand on his shoulder, warm and supporting. “It takes you like that,” the man said calmly. “It takes you like that, the first few times.” Then, in a concerned tone, “Here, son, what are you doing out here, half naked and barefoot?”

“The seminary,” Rene answered through clacking teeth. “The seminary was attacked. I was asleep. I ran out–”

He couldn’t be sure if the man had sworn. It seemed to him he’d said, “Sangre dieu.” But surely a man like that wouldn’t swear. Or would he? Rene could not decide. What he could decide was that the voice was saying, “I was too late. It is my sin.”

He looked up, “Too late, sir?”

“Yes,” The man said. “I shall explain, but not here. We’re in danger. Come with me.” Then, with a cluck of the tongue that indicated annoyance, he took off his heavy cloak and put it over Rene’s shoulders. “There is nothing I can do for your feet,” he said. “No spare pair of stockings or boots, but refuge is near. Come.”

Rene hesitated for no more than a second. Judas goats were often said to prowl the night, looking for young victims for their masters. But at least in the lore of vampires such as had formed over the last twenty years since those ancient tombs had been opened and the even more ancient horror unleashed that was now overtaking France, a Judas goat could not hurt a vampire. And this man had killed one.

The cloak seemed to make Rene feel the cold more. His body was wracked with pain. His skin felt as though it was on fire. His feet, meanwhile, had gone numb and distant. But he turned and followed the man, who removed a sword and a knife from the dead vampire’s body, and then walked, close to the wall, looking ahead, the weapons glinting in his hands.

***

“I broke my sword earlier fighting them,” the bishop said as he turned to face Rene. Or at least, he said he was a bishop, and Rene saw no reason to doubt him, though he wore neither cassock nor hat, nor anything but a silver cross glowing dully on the chest of his serviceable shirt – revealed when his coat was removed in the warmth and safety of the hideout.

The hideout was in the basement of a public house whose publican, the bishop said, was a good Catholic and an honest man, though Rene was sure that this hideout must in the past have hidden smugglers or smuggled goods. Well, it stood to reason, did it not? Why else have it built?

But the man had answered to a careful knock on the door and to a whispered password. He’d shown the bishop all deference, and clucked over Rene’s pain and his now bluish bare feet. Then he’d shown them to the trapdoor beneath the barrels and – before rolling the barrels back into place – his wife had brought them food, as well as bandages, clothes and boots for Rene.

So Rene now sat in a chair in the cozy hideout, his feet in socks and boots. The bishop, whose name was Gracien, Monsieur D’Alban, had opined that there was no lasting damage done. He’d given Rene wool pants, and a coat which were his to wear when they left. So too was the traveling cloak draped across the back of the chair on which Rene perched as he swallowed warm soup and drank quite good wine.

Monsieur D’Alban had bound Rene’s wrist and absolved him – though the description of Rene’s sin seemed to occasion amusement. It was almost the only thing in the grim description that did. When Rene explained he’d spilled the holy blood, the bishop had smiled and said it was not willing sacrilege but the desire to save himself. And besides, D’Alban had added with reasonable though – Rene was sure, questionable theology – hadn’t Christ died to save men? Surely it was proper that His blood should be spilled for the salvation of Rene’s body – and possibly soul

And then, at the end of all this, and after D’Alban had eaten just a little soup and a bite of bread, D’Alban had started pacing the small confines of the room, his hands behind his back.

Once, when he was very little and before his father died, Rene had been taken to see a marvelous beast, a lion which had been brought at great expense from Africa, and which was being exhibited by a motley group of men in all the little villages around the countryside. Confined to a narrow space, the tawny beast, all great teeth and claws, had alternated between biting the iron bars preventing its ravening the spectators, and pacing in its tight confines, its eyes burning with suppressed violence.

D’Alban’s pacing reminded Rene of the beast perhaps because, like the beast, D’Alban had golden eyes that burned with the need to do something. Something he was prevented from doing. Words erupted from him, irregularly spaced and abrupt, phrases without beginning or end, less designed to communicate with Rene than as shards of an inner dialog forced into vocalization by turmoil, “I was to warn them,” came. And then. “His majesty signed the treaty with the Cardinal tonight.” Then, “No more priests. No more ordained men. No more church in France.”

This caught at Rene who had been told for the last two years, as he was preparing for unwilling ordination, that his role as a priest was vital in defending France from the vampire onslaught; that only a strong church could prevent all humans being killed or becoming vampires.

He cleared his throat as D’Alban continued pacing, and said, “Pardon me, monsieur, but … did you say that there will be no more priests in France?”

D’Alban turned and fixed him with an intent golden gaze, “As of tonight, my son, as of tonight. The King has signed a treaty with the Cardinal, according to which no person will be unwillingly turned, in exchange for our turning our churches into wastes, killing all those priests who don’t agree to be defrocked or to become vampires themselves, and ordaining no more. And no one will roam the night killing vampires simply because they are vampires.”

Rene blinked. He remembered priests – and seminarians – chased down and unwillingly turned. He remembered– “No person unwillingly turned!” he said, his words full of scorn.

The bishop nodded. “Just so. But what do you expect? Once turned, no vampire will come to the court of law and say it was unwilling, will he? And no one else will be alive from these attacks.”

“I’m alive,” Rene said. “I would testify.”

A look much like pity suffused D’Alban’s eyes. “I doubt not you would, son. But to what judge will you take your righteous campaign? Who would listen? The king wants to be at peace. He disdains the fights that have erupted in his court. He wants no fighting in the Palais Royal. He wants to pretend everything is as should be: everything is as it was, and he’s still the king of the French and the kingdom still peaceable.”

Rene blinked again. He felt very cold of a sudden. “But, Monsieur, it is not so. Are you telling me that the king… the king has… given up?”

The bishop nodded. “He would say he’s made a private peace,” he said. “I’d say the king has surrendered.”

A long silence fell, and Rene felt colder than he had out in the snow. Then he was running for his life. Now, he felt as though his life and the life of every one in France had already been given up. They were already dead men, it was just their bodies didn’t know it yet. “Monsieur,” he said, and cleared his throat. “Monsieur! What can one do to prevent this?”

A heavy sigh tore from D’Alban, giving the same feeling as the words that had come from him before. “What can one do?” he said. “I’ve talked to Monsieur de Treville, the captain of the king’s musketeers. He is, like me… That is, all the musketeers, to be admitted to the corps, have had to endure the vampire bite and feel its allure, and yet survive. Monsieur de Treville, and myself as well, will continue fighting and refuse to surrender France to the abominations. He, like me, refuses to surrender the souls of France.” He fell onto a chair, heavily. “Son, you’ve not been bitten, so you’d never qualify for the musketeers. But you were in seminary. And you did fight to defend me tonight. You saved me from death or worse. Monsieur de Treville will prepare fighters for France, and we need that too. But we need priests as well. The things priests can do, the simplest ones: blessing water and salt, and yes, the sacraments, are a threat to vampires, which is why they wish to abolish the church. Oh, not our church alone. Those people we’d for centuries considered in grave error – the protesting sects that deny the authority of Rome, other… other religions, even the folkways of ancient times, seem to have some remedies against the vampires. They too are proscribed. They too are hunted. And for that alone, we must make peace with them and turn against the vampires as common enemy. But our side is … not enough. Because we are hierarchical and congregate, we’ve been more effectively hunted down than other religions, other holy men and … and women. We need men to defend the souls of France, son. He needs workers for His vineyard,” the bishop said, alluding to the biblical passage. “Will you labor in it?”

“Monsieur,” Rene said. “Monsieur.” For so long he’d dreamed of being a warrior, of leaving the trappings of the church, the dry manuscripts, the singing, the mealy-mouthed ways of priesthood behind. He’d dreamed of becoming a musketeer, a warrior, a fighting man. He’d call himself Aramis. He’d call himself Aramis and he’d fight, be a true man like his father, be respected like his older brother.

But he was not a man. He’d taken the coward’s refuge when danger had come. And only by the blood of Christ was he here yet, and still human. His life, as such, now belonged to the church. “Monsieur. I was not… That is… I had not yet… I wasn’t ready to take orders. My studies were interrupted. My … I wasn’t sure of my vocation.”

An ironical look from the golden eyes, and then pacing resumed, ten paces to one wall and ten paces to the other, while D’Alban cackled in one of his mirthless laughs and said, “Meaning, of course, that you were packed unwillingly off to a seminary because you were a younger son and there was nothing that your family could do with you?” He gave Rene an evaluating look, “Why not the army, I wonder?” he said.

“My brother said,” Rene began, and his cheeks burned as he remembered the full extent of what his brother had indeed said. “My brother said I was not the type of man they needed for a soldier, Monsieur. He said I was too weak, too fearful.” The other things went through his mind: hands like a girl’s and that face like a babe unborn, and your mealy-mouthed love of books and words. He did not say them.

“No?” D’Alban said, and shrugged an elaborate shrug. “A man who attacks a vampire with a flowerpot while barefoot and with a broken wrist seems like the sort of a man our poor army needs, but perhaps your brother had other ideas. Or perhaps he preferred you in the church where no cadet line could dispute the succession in future times. Is that it?”

“There– There was Aimée,” Rene said, thinking that at any rate he would come to that, eventually. If he was going to be ordained – was he going to be ordained? – he’d need to make a more complete confession than he’d made so far, and Aimée would need to come into it.

“Aimée? A girl?”

“A… She was my father’s ward, monsieur. Her father was one of Father’s friends, and very… very wealthy, and when he died he left Aimée to my father to raise, with the idea she’d marry my father’s heir, of course.”

“Of course. And how old was she, this Aimée? How old is your father’s heir, for that matter? Is he the only one?”

“My brother, Gautier, Chevalier D’Herblay,” Rene said. “He was my father’s only son by his first marriage. His mother died when Gautier was ten, and my father married again five years later. My mother was– Gautier said she was of questionably noble blood because her father was the second son of an earl,” he straightened his shoulders and decided to say the worst, “An English Earl, Monsieur. And… and he was a soldier, and… and my mother married my father and died giving birth to me.”

Monsieur’s eyes didn’t look disgusted at the horrible taint of English blood, but the eyebrows were low over them, as though he were trying to understand something. “So Aimée was your sister-in-law?”

“Oh, no, Monsieur. Not then.” He realized he was telling it all very badly and tried to explain. “No. She was, you see, raised with us… raised with me. She is a year younger than I And my father died when we were little. I didn’t think much of it then,, because she was skinny and… and weak. And she always wanted to do the things I did, but she couldn’t and I had to help her. She was a very great nuisance.”

“Girls often are to little boys tasked with looking after them, but I presume she didn’t stay a nuisance forever.”

Rene sighed. “She went away for a year, to a school. Then she came back. This was… three years ago. And when she came back, Monsieur, she was a young lady.” He cleared his throat. “What I mean is she had a way of talking, and a way… a way of walking and… her figure…” He blushed and stopped.

And now D’Alban lips were curling upwards again, and the way he cleared his throat sounded uncommonly like a chuckle. “You need say no more,” he said. “I am aware of what you mean.”

“Well, yes, but… But she was closer to my age than to Gautier’s,” he said. “And Gautier said she was his affianced bride. And then, then,” he said, in a crescendo of indignation. “After they found us kissing in the pigeon loft, Gautier had the gamekeeper thrash me with a cane, sir, as though I were a peasant, and he said that she was his affianced bride, and that I was not to go near her or be alone with her, ever. He said I was to go to seminary, and he would marry Aimée.”

“I see,” D’Alban said, his face once more grave.

“Yes, monsieur.” Rene inclined his head, thinking of that sleety, cold morning when he’d been forced to the church to witness his brother marrying the woman Rene loved. Aimée had looked pale and wan and Rene knew well that she’d been forced into consent by being starved within an inch of her life. There had been nothing Rene could do. In his mind, he’d been the brave Aramis. In his mind, he’d defended Aimée, he’d ridden away with her, to live in bliss upon some distant land. In that world, there were no vampires, and no need for money or inheritance.

But in the real world there were vampires, and travel of any kind save in well ordered caravans with armed guards detailed to keep the vampires at bay, was suicide. And money was more needed than ever in a France where half the domains or more had succumbed to the vampire onslaught. Vampires neither tended the grain nor made bread. Humans were left to starve or forage like animals in those lands. And to live in one of the still safe areas, one needed money and income, which Rene, the second son, did not have.

And so he’d let Aimée slip between his fingers; slip from his arms. And he’d been packed off to the seminary of Notre Dame des Miracles, to become a priest who would be barred by vows from touching Aimée ever again.

“Ever again?” D’Alban asked, with inconvenient prepiscacy.

Sighing, Rene confessed. The stolen night, before Aimée succumbed to the push for marriage. Already knowing she was lost, she’d determined to spend a night with her true love before consigning herself to a lifetime with the man she despised. He remembered her warm in his arms, her scent surrounding him, and he sighed, “And I can’t repent it, Monsieur. I can’t. I know I should, its being a grave sin to lie with my brother’s affianced wife, one of those sins that’s proscribed in the bible, one of the things … Enfin, Monsieur, I’ve known my soul was damned from that moment.”

The bishop tugged at his lower lip, which seemed to be an unconscious gesture done while deep in thought. “There is so much sin to go around in that story, my son, that yours is neither the gravest nor the most damnable,” he said at last and then he sighed. “It is true that in normal times, and were the church still whole, I would hesitate to confer priesthood upon you. Your love for that one woman, your inability to maintain your chastity… It would give me at the least very grave doubts about your ability to sustain your vocation. And bad priests, such as that one who called himself Cardinal, France does not need… But…” He resumed pacing. “The truth my son is that just like our alliance with those we formerly considered heretics, what the church needs as priests, and what a priest is, has changed in this new world. For one thing, if I ordain you, you cannot take a vow of chastity.” A smile responded to what must have been Rene’s look of surprise. “This does not mean I’m encouraging you to commit adultery with your sister-in-law. That I’m afraid you must give up, if not repent. But, my son, from now on clergy must be in hiding, and we have all, for the duration, been released from those vows of chastity that would make us conspicuous. We’ve also been given dispensation on fasting and clothing and other… other minor issues. It is of paramount importance that we stay hidden. It is of paramount importance that we continue to live among the people and provide for the needs of their souls. And that we fight vampires with the holy weapons at our disposal.”

“Oh,” Rene said, and nothing more, because he wasn’t sure he understood it. “But I haven’t completed all my studies. I’m not sure–”

“The few rituals you’ll need to know,” the bishop said, “and how to administer the sacraments, I can teach you here, in a day. You look like a man of quick understanding. Perhaps you’ll not understand all the theology, but you’ll have time to learn that, and we do circulate treatises and such, clandestinely. For now, more important is for you to know that you’ll have to be willing to risk your life. For being a priest is punishable with death, or being forced to become a vampire, should you be caught.”

Rene cleared his throat. “But isn’t that the penalty for being a human in this poor France of ours?”

Again the appreciative smile. “Perhaps, but as a priest you’ll be hunted, sniffed out. They’ll be looking for you. It is their primary purpose to kill or destroy all the priests. You will be a particular target. As a mere man, you might be able to hide. As a priest, you’ll be searched for. People will be rewarded for turning you in. Do you understand?”

Rene nodded. He understood. But he wasn’t a man, and if he was going to fight the vampires, ironically, he’d do it by becoming the priest his brother had thought was a quiet and out of the way occupation for his weakling of a brother.

“Yes, Monsieur, I understand.”

“And are you willing?”

“Yes, Monsieur, I am willing,” And then, because he thought he’d need a lot of that, “So help me God.”

And thus, in a basement that smelled of soup and old wine, Rene D’Herblay became the priest, Monsieur D’Herblay, without the careful study, the fasting, the vigil and the panoply of ritual and pomp that would have attended his ordination had he agreed to go through with it even a year ago. And the next morning he left, back to his domains.

***

“It is very important,” Monsieur D’Alban had told him, “That you not do anything you’d not have done if we’d never met. Let’s suppose you didn’t meet me in that alley last night. What would you have done, supposing you could have secured boots, breeches and a cloak?”

“Gone home,” Rene had said unhesitatingly. And, to the bishop’s raised eyebrow. “Well, what else could I have done, Monsieur? I am a second son, and if I weren’t going to be a priest…” He let the thought hang in the air.

Monsieur D’Alban nodded at length. “Very well. Go then. Go back to your brother’s domains and dispense what comfort you can in our beleaguered land without getting yourself put to death. You’re more use to the church alive. If you should come to Paris ever again and wish to contact me, or others of … of us in hiding, come to the publican. He’ll know how to send a message. And for now, go with God’s blessing.”

And so, Rene had taken God’s blessing with him on an ox cart headed out of the city. To be honest for his progress he more indebted to the bishop’s coin than the bishop’s blessing. Monsieur D’Alban had given Rene two louis d’or which meant that Rene had been able to sleep well enough in secure inns for two nights and to have solid meals during the day, even if his rides were on farmers’ conveyances in caravans of merchants and farmers.

At the last village before his brother’s domains, Rene, knowing the surrounding countryside, had chosen not to bolt himself in for the night, but, instead, to go on to his ancestral home. There weren’t many vampires hereabouts, anyway, though Rene suspected it would come to this region, too, in time. And besides, he wanted to see Aimée, though he told himself he would avoid grave sin. He wanted only to see her, he told himself, and assure himself she’d grown reconciled to her fate. He arrived at his brother’s domain at near midnight and found the house well lighted. This surprised him. Perhaps it should not have, but Gautier had been ever so parsimonious with candles – justifiably, Rene supposed, since the domain, never wealthy, was even poorer with many of the outlying lands lost to vampires. Gautier had decreed that the house should only stay up an hour or two after sundown, before all the candles were snuffed and everyone sent to bed.

Rene had hesitated, knit with the trees, on the path leading up to the front door. Perhaps Aimée’ inheritance had allowed them to spend a little more, to be a little freer with money? But he didn’t feel that was true, and his mind spun on the idea. No. Gautier spend more than needed?

After a long time, hesitating, he approached instead the kitchen, at the back of the house. He’d been raised as much by the cook and the housekeeper as by his brother. No, more so, as those worthy ladies had taken it upon themselves to feed and care for the waif, for whom neither father nor brother had thought to appoint so much as a nursemaid.

No, that wasn’t true. His father, the cook, Irenie had told him, had wanted to send Rene to one of the outlying farms, to be raised by the farm wife. An unusual arrangement for the family, but not uncommon for noblemen in general. Irenie had thought the problem was that the old gentleman, as she called Rene’s father, had feared being reminded of the wife he’d adored and lost. But his brother had intervened and said, instead, he could be raised by the servants, and in the end, if Irenie hadn’t found him a willing nursemaid among the village women, he’d likely have been fed on bread softened in cow milk, and just as likely died. As was, it was Irenie, and Madame Adelaide, the housekeeper, who had overseen Rene’s travails with childhood illness and comforted him when he was distraught.

Going around the back, he was surprised to find the kitchen dark, when the rest of the house was blazing with light. He knocked at the door twice, though, and waited.

At length it was opened by Irenie, wearing a nightgown, with her salt-and-pepper hair loose down her back, and carrying a candle in a candlestick. Her moment of total blank surprise was broken by a breath like a sob, and “Rene. Oh, my lamb!” And the next he knew he was pulled into a warm embrace that smelled of freshly baked bread and spices and he felt about three years old and quite safe.

At length she stepped back and held him at arm’s length, “Monsieur D’Herblay I should have said, should I not?” she said, with a little smile, and before he had time to answer, “You’ve grown quite a lot in two years, have you not? And how fine you are, tall and broad of shoulder. And what brings you back home, I’m sure I don’t know but a good thing you’ve come. And a good thing, too if no one should know.” She shrugged. “Not, that is, until you’re ready.”

He raised his eyebrows at her, unable to put the question any more clearly. And he realized there were tears in her eyes, shimmering, and a look to her face, as though… As though she were waiting to appraise him of deaths.

“Irenie! What do you mean? What has been happening in my absence?”

“What hasn’t been happening,” Irenie said, and wiped her eyes with the edge of her apron. Your brother, and she, poor lamb–”

“Aimée?”

“Aye, as she was. Poor lamb, she–” The cook shrugged. “Come in, monsieur, come in. I have some soup kept by and some bread for myself and… And my friends as they come by. Come in Monsieur. Safer if we go to my quarters.”

***

Her quarters, which she had always called that were in fact a small room, smaller than the confessionaire at the seminary. Just a little longer than was needed for Rene to lie down to his full length and a little shorter than it would take for Rene to lie down across its width. But Irenie had indeed outfitted it as though it were not just a bedroom but real quarters, with the narrow bed pushed up against the wall, and in the center of the room two chairs and a table. At this Adelaide and Irenie would sit, Rene remembered, for their long conversations in which not just their master and his whole family, but most of the village came under examination and often censure. Rene remembered playing on the floor at their feet while they talked and drank hot chocolate. Now, he sat on one of the chairs. And presently Irenie brought him bread and butter and broth, and ate some of the bread and butter herself, presumably to support herself through the sad tale she had to tell.

It started with Rene asking the question that had been bedeviling him, since he’d heard Irenie’s talk of Aimée, “Irenie, now, what happened to Aimée? Did she die?”

Her eyes answered him before her mouth could. Woebegone and dark, they seemed to say if that were all it would almost be cause for celebration, “Aye, and in a manner of speaking, she did. And it was all that devil’s fault, monsieur, and none of her asking for it, I assure you.”

He felt cold, cold to his core, as he said, “She was turned? Aimée is a vampire?”

“Aye, Monsieur.” Irenie sighed. “And I’m sure as we could blame her more, but Monsieur, well…” She took a deep breath. “First of all, I want to tell you, Monsieur, that your son is well and not turned.”

“My–” Rene stopped, staring and wondering which of them had gone insane.

“Well, your nephew I should say, but between us we need have no pretense, and the boy looks like you, Monsieur, and none of your brother, but your mother’s side, all blond and slight. And milady, Aimée, as she was, told your brother that it was because he was born so early and so weak, but now that he’s walking and… well, it’s hard not to tell whose he is, but I want you to know he’s safe and unturned. I have him with Marie out in the village, she who is the niece of the one who nursed you. There’s nothing for you to worry about. We took him away the very night she was turned, and she’s never looked for him, though your brother did before he went to Paris. But madame… aye, well, as I said, we could blame her more, only we couldn’t, because she was so thin and wan, and always weak and sickly after the babe was born and your brother– You know what he was like. And he went away and he came back turned and… Only he’s left for Paris, to work for the Cardinal, and it’s only her here.”

Rene’s mind reeled. “Aimée is a vampire. And Gautier has gone to Paris? And when did all this happen, Irenie? The village didn’t know it yet.”

Irenie nodded. “Just this week, Monsieur,” she said. “And your brother will, I don’t doub,t come back with a party of others of them, and then we shall all be damned, but for now…” She wiped her eyes to the apron again. “For now, she amuses herself turning the stable boys and… It’s just you see, she’s well, and she hasn’t been well in two years.” Then the lines of her face hardened. “Only it can’t go on, Monsieur. It can’t go on, and she’s destroying young men, what haven’t done any harm. And now there’s three of them who guard her wherever they go, and one of us has to stay up all night, to make sure the rest of the staff is protected and…”

“But… good heavens,” Rene said. “There’s more of you than there is of them. Why haven’t you destroyed them?”

“Monsieur. She’s still Madame Aimée, as she was. I raised her as I raised you.”

“Are you telling me you don’t have the courage?”

“Well, monsieur. Perhaps it is vampire glamour at that. They say as vampires have that. But I think it is just that… well… she’s Madame Aimée.” She gave a deep sigh.

“That,” she said. “And you know how strong they are. Any one or two of us who goes up against them shall be killed. The only way we could be sure of winning the battle would be to abandon the house and set fire to it. And even so, they might escape.”

“And so you see, Monsieur, why I’m so grateful you’ve come back.” She looked at Rene. “You’ll do what must be done. You always did.”

***

He didn’t know whence Irenie’s confidence came, but he scouted the land. First, he’d seen the other servants. It was impossible to avoid them. They came creeping into Irenie’s room by twos and threes, as though warned by some mysterious force – a force it was, just not mysterious, since Irenie had talked when she got him his dinner – of his presence. They’d come to plead with him, to see him, to reassure themselves one of their masters wasn’t a vampire. Adelaide, whose son had been turned, had squeezed his hand hard, “Only do what you have to do Monsieur. I can’t say he’s any longer my son.”

And then Rene had gone to his room, creeping through the servant stairs. From his room he heard Aimée’s laugh, and it made him pause, as memory rushed upon him, at the sound of that high, tinkling laugh.

But he armed himself. Knives and a sword. His still broken wrist was bound. It still hurt like living fire, but he’d be able to use it. He thought of the vampire in the alleyway, and of the corruption pouring out of him, and he wondered if he would be able to kill her – to kill Aimée – when his entire being called out to her.

He walked out, fully armed, along the hallways to the lighted salon from which music and laughter came. Aimée was sitting at the spinet, playing a tinkling tune.

She looked well, Aimée. A little paler than she had been, and thinner, but her eyes sparkled more brightly than ever, and she looked happy. Aimée hadn’t looked happy since she’d found out she was to marry Gautier.

For a moment – for just a moment – Rene thought she’d get up from the spinet bench and give him her hands, and smile, and she would tell him it was all a mistake, and she’d never been turned. Gautier, yes. Gautier was, after all, a grasping man, looking for worldly power, and there might not be much difference between Gautier the Lord and Gautier the vampire. In fact, at least Gautier the vampire might be an improvement, since his evil would be out in the open, for once.

But when she turned around to look at him over her shoulder and her eyes looked cold and concupiscent. And when she turned around to look at him, the smile that tugged at her lips was more menacing than welcoming and the voice in which she said, “Ah, my beloved brother has come back to me,” was full of dripping mockery.

“Aimée!” he said. He couldn’t help it. Through the back of his mind ran all the theology about vampires. How they couldn’t be preached to or reasoned with. How they were all naked craving and none of the human thought. None of the human emotions, either. They were not even as reasonable as animals who could be tamed, through pleasure or pain. Instead, they were little more than animated craving.

But this was Aimée, and Aimée had been, for so long, like another part of him. how could he not reach her, reason with her? Somewhere within her soul must be hiding, wounded, sobbing, but still there. “Aimée, what happened? How can you be–? How can you have let it–?”

He stopped. She was looking at him, her eyes dancing with poisonous glee. She laughed. “How can I? Well, you left me, didn’t you, my dear, dear brother. You left me to the pawing of the creature, to his embraces. You left me to bear your son in pain and anguish and to make up stories as to why he didn’t resemble your beast of a brother. What was I to do? Being a vampire has freed me of pain and of illness, of fear and confinement. Was I supposed to have died and be decorously dead, like your mother in the church, beneath a holy statue.” She laughed at the thought. “I am well, Rene, well, as I have never been, never since I found out I was to be a sacrifice for my fortune. I am well and happy and can play and dance again.” Her eyes sparkled up at him. “It is a remedy that would suit you well, brother my dearest. It would free you of your fears and your weakness.” Her smile turned sly. “It would make you a man.”

He wished to protest, to say that she was wrong. He wanted to say that he’d never left her willingly, that he had no more choice than she did. He wanted to tell her of the strict discipline of the seminary, of the cold rooms, the careful hours, the learning of things no one could care about. He wanted to tell her of the whippings, the penitent flagellation, the fasting.

He could not talk. His mind was in turmoil, caught between horror and allure; wanting her and dreading what she was at the same time, and yet wanting her all the more through his dread. His sword and his dagger hung useless in their scabbards. He could defend himself. He should defend himself. Instead, he said, softly, “Aimée!”

And on that word, her eyes softened. They widened a little, too, and she looked just like his Aimée. “Rene. My Rene,” she said.

“I didn’t leave you willingly. That is, I–”

Aimée shook her head. “I know, I know.”

And suddenly they were clinging, kissing, desperate. She smelled as he remembered and she felt maybe a little cooler to the touch, but not like he imagined a vampire should.

He thought of his vows, and then that he’d never promised chastity. It seemed to him she made a sign, but he couldn’t tell what it was nor to whom. And then her mouth moved from his mouth, her lips from his lips, and kissed a path from his ear to his neck, then up again, and she moaned softly and said, “Rene.”

The bite disconcerted him, sudden, painful. He tried to move away but her arms around him had the strength of iron bands and then the bite stopped hurting and pleasure spread, in waves, from his neck and over his entire body, pleasure such as he’d never felt before, not even that one night in Aimée’ arms.

Time contracted, then expanded, the pleasure filling all eternity, greater than the universe and God himself. He heard himself moan with it, and it seemed to him that Aimée laughed, or would have laughed, hadn’t her fangs been deep in his neck.

He knew then that she would kill him; she would make him a vampire. But wasn’t life forever with Aimée better than any eternity to which the human soul could aspire?

Her spirit touched his, seeking, like a child at a locked gate, to open his own mind so they could be one in thought and body. He rushed, joyously, to let her in. But there was something there, a sense of dread. He could feel her mind in his saying let me in and we’ll be one forever.

But at the same time, behind that presence, there was a feeling of horror, a feeling of betrayal and fear. His throat closed. His mouth worked. His fists clenched. And he read, somehow, behind the presence of her trying to enter his mind, the feel of a predatory creature, of a wolf baying at the lamb, of something… something dark, and old, and hungry.

He tried to pull away from the fangs, from the pleasure of her bite on his neck. He couldn’t pull far, but he caught a glimpse of her eyes, and in them was the same craving, the same naked concupiscence as he’d seen in the vampire’s eyes in the seminary.

Struggling back, pain again obvious from the site of the bite, he caught a glimpse of three burly men he vaguely remembered from the stables, the three vampires that guarded Aimée. And he realized, in horror, that he would become just one of them and probably no more important to her than the stable lads.

He struggled to free himself. He could not move. Her hands were stronger than anything he’d ever felt, her embrace unbreakable. He was clasped close against her while she drank his life and presently she’d live him only enough that he would turn…

Suddenly he felt Aimée by his side. Not the physical Aimée, the vampire holding him and turning him into a creature of darkness and perdition, but the girl he had known, small and slight, blond and sad eyed who could yet smile at him and laugh with him, in a joy and love so genuine that it was as though the sun came out. He felt the Aimée who loved him, the childhood friend, the lover who’d come to his bed even for just one night before they parted. She was there. He could feel her warm presence, her hand on his shoulder. He could hear her tell him not to stop, not to surrender. There was no one to defend me when the darkness came, but you can keep others from going down into the dark. You can defend our son. Would you see him turned?

The thought of that boy he’d never met put fight in his arm, strength in his soul. Aimée was clasping him so he could not get away, but he could slide his hand into his belt, and pull out the dagger there.

It seemed to take forever, each movement unnaturally prolonged, but at the very last he had the dagger and, raising it, with sudden violence, pushed it between their chests, point towards Aimée. He pushed it home, through her heart, and the smell of corruption came.

She screamed and reared and hissed. And in that moment she let him go.

He sprang back, lightheaded, knowing he was bleeding from his neck, feeling weak and lightheaded and hurting with tiredness. He pulled the dagger from her heart even as she fell, and he took the sword in his right hand, ignoring the screams of pain from his broken wrist.

It was all barely in time. As he sprang back, like a wild man, a weapon in each hand, just as Aimée’s three companions, ignoring her even as she lay pouring black blood onto the expensive carpets on the floor, came towards him. They had knives. They needed no more. They were both larger and, of course, stronger than him.

His mind flashed with the thought that he could run away. He should run away. It would be the work of a moment to break through the window and, his knowing the outside garden like the back of his hands, he knew there was a beech tree just outside which would allow him to shimmy down its branches to the ground and then run through the time. But in his mind what he thought of as the true Aimée sounded, asking him if he’d allow his son to be turned.

If he ran now… If he left now, what would become of that little boy whose name he didn’t even know? Bad enough that Rene had brought him into a world where vampires threatened him. To desert the boy, to run, to save his own life, would be worst of all.

He thought of Monsieur D’Alban telling him they needed special priests, special men who would guard France against invasion. How could Rene let his own son fend for himself when he intended to defend France from encroaching dark?

The first blow caught him off guard, coming not from a knife, but from a chair, which one of the vampires threw at him. Rene jumped back, barely in time, as the delicate chair splintered at his feet. And then two vampires came at him, one from each side, each putting hands on him from one side, one putting a knife to his throat, “Now stop fighting, lordling,” the boy said, his voice rough. “I always did think you were much too spoiled.”

Rene got a feeling of something. The vampire was projecting something at him: something that was supposed to make Rene stop fighting and obey him. Vampire glamour? He didn’t know, and he didn’t care. He felt the injunction to stop fighting, but it had no effect on him.

Perhaps the boy was counting on its working, because he looked startled as Rene wriggled down and away from the knife. This he knew. This was much like his fights with Gautier when he’d been a little boy of five or six, and Gautier a young man bent on doing what he called “disciplining the brat.” He knew the rules and the game. And it started with looking helpless. He rolled away from the knife, got on his hands and knees still clasping the weapons, and made as if to crawl away from the fight. The two vampires again came at him, fast, but with less caution than before.

Rene straightened quickly, and put a blade through each of their hearts. They fell, dragging the blades with them. Before he could recover the blades, the third vampire, and the largest of the boys, was on him, snarling and growling. He bore Rene to ground with his strength, held him there, “What are you going to do now? You have no weapons.”

It was true. Rene’s arm hurt, and his knee. His neck hurt where Aimée had bitten him. The smashed chair was under him. It wedged itself uncomfortably into his back. He should give up.

But his hand snaked back and grabbed the bit of the chair that was hurting him, and as the vampire’s fangs came down to bite him, he wedged the bit of chair into the open mouth, piercing the vampire’s throat.

The vampire screamed and reared. Blood that smelled of rot poured out. And Rene, without thinking, picked another piece of chair and pushed it through the vampire’s chest, into his heart.

* * * *

Before he left, he saw his son. The boy was indeed his. No doubt about it. Blond and beautiful, combining his vivacity in childhood with Aimée’s grace, the child seemed scared of this bruised stranger – of his bandaged hand, his bandaged neck, his low, raspy voice, his hooded, tired eyes.

“What is his name?” Rene asked.

“Pierre, Monsieur. After Madame’s father.”

“It is a good name,” he said, speaking to the servants who clustered around him. “You care for him. As of today he is the Chevalier D’Herblay.”

“The Chevalie… but what of your brother?”

“Gautier is a vampire. Vampires cannot hold land for the king. They’re creatures of the Cardinal. The land is Pierre’s. You will hold it for him. And I… I will make sure that Gautier doesn’t come back to claim what isn’t his.”

By which he meant both his son and his land.

“But Monsieur,” Irenie said. “Monsieur! What about you? Can you not hold the land?”

“My mission,” Rene said. “Is different. I have taken orders. Keep this child safe. In him rests the future of my family.”

And then he’d kissed Pierre’s forehead and given him his paternal blessing. And he’d gone to Paris to find Gautier.

* * * *

It hadn’t been hard. Partly, of course, because Rene knew where to find him. It was just like Gautier to leave details of his whereabouts in his desk, in his domain. He was staying in such and such townhouse in Paris, to which documents were to be sent.

After a long voyage through most of which Rene slept, Rene found himself early evening in front of the townhouse. It was a graceful building that had, probably, at one time, belonged to a merchant of some sort.

Rene had no intention of attacking early evening. He remained prudent. He might have killed vampires back in his domain, but he knew he’d done it, to a great extent by luck and chance. He would not brave a fight again on his own. But he wanted to verify that Gautier was there, that he was still living in the place.

Studying the area, he found that there was a wall at the back, and then a pear tree which he could climb to look through the window of the second floor. If needed, he would climb in through that window and go in, to see if Gautier was still there.

But he’d no more climbed the tree than from the street in front of him a sound came, startling him and almost making him fall. “A moi of the king, to me musketeers!”

He edged away from the window, to look from the edge of the tree, at the street, where two men, one of them a giant and the other a noble-looking blond man were fighting a multitude of vampires pouring out the door.

Rene’s mouth opened, in surprise, at the way these two men fought. They fought like the heroes of old, he thought. Like the people he’d only read about, the brave warriors who had once besieged Troy, and met offensives a hundred times stronger single handed and proud, these two seemed to be killing vampires almost too fast for the eye to follow. They stood, seemingly undaunted and fearless. It was a thing of beauty to behold, after what Rene had seen in his own dormitory, the way that the vampires prevailed over all. Here, the humans were not afraid of vampires. More, the brown-haired giant called out jeers and taunts to the vampires as he mowed them down.

So fascinated was Rene by the fight, by these men’s bluff courage, that he didn’t notice any sounds or see the window open. But it must have opened, because he heard a familiar voice nearing, “Hullo, little brother,” He looked up to see Gautier standing nearby, his eyes sparkling with malice.

There should have been, Rene thought, the moment when he realized Gautier had changed and that his eyes looked not at all like a human. There should be a change in Gautier as there had been in Aimée. But there wasn’t. Instead, Gautier looking much as he always had: a tall, bluff man, with broad shoulders and the sort of bull neck that every culture everywhere has associated with a fighter. The way his eyes sparkled coldly hadn’t changed. He looked at Rene as he used to when he was about to do something that would discomfit the young man, or get him in trouble with their father. “I heard what you’ve done, you little coward,” Gautier said. “I got a letter from one of the tenants I trust, informing me that you dispatched my lady wife and installed the whelp at the hall. My tenant could do nothing about it, but that is no problem, for I shall return to D’Herblay tonight and set all to rights.” He grinned, and sharp, overlarge fangs glinted in the moonlight. “After I consign you to Hell.”

And then he had his sword out.

Rene didn’t know how to fight in a tree. In all his time of dreaming up sword duels, his time of memorizing signor Fabrizio’s book on fencing, his play in the armory with various swords against stationary targets, he’d never thought to fight in a tree.

But something he knew would be to his brother’s disadvantage. Gautier had that mistaken idea that courage consisted of charging first and thinking later. Rene placed himself, by small shifts, where he could swiftly move around the tree by virtue of stepping this way and that. All near branches would support his weight. And then he drew his sword. He’d stand his ground for once, and not flinch.

“Oh, you have a sword. How precious,” Gautier said. And then he charged. He charged assuredly, as he should. Rene realized almost immediately, as he found himself flitting this way and that, his sword barely parrying his brother’s thrusts, that Gautier was far more experienced. Truly the only thing that Rene had in his favor. The only thing keeping him from being speared right through in the first moments of the fight, was that he could stand on branches that wouldn’t support the older D’Herblay’s greater weight.

But his ducking and feinting had a limit. Twice, Gautier’s sword came close to impaling him, and Rene knew that twice more it had drawn blood. He could feel throbbing in his arm and in his hand, where he’d been forced to parry thrusts with his own flesh.

Once more, he thought he could run to fight another day. But he thought of what Gautier had said, about going to D’Herblay. Doubtless Pierre’s life would be counted in minutes, were Rene not to stop Gautier now. Or worse, should Gautier not realize that Pierre was Rene’s son, Pierre might live only to become a soulless vampire.

Fueled by his panic, Rene thought that blood should act as a distraction to a vampire. And he needed to distract Gautier. He could feel his arm bleeding beneath its sleeve. Reaching for the cut, he hooked a thumb through it, and tore doublet and shirt across, exposing the cut and the blood. Two drops fell, glistening to the wood.

Gautier’s eyes followed them. Rene ducked under Gautier’s sword arm and thrust his sword upward towards Gautier’s chest.

Gautier roared like a bull and reacted quickly, backhanding Rene, and sending him flying backwards. Rene managed to grab onto a branch to stop his fall, and to step onto the wall in a controlled stumble, then from there to the ground in a jump that would likely have broken his legs had he not spent his childhood climbing walls and jumping from them. As it was, though he fell on the balls of his feet, the fall jarred his bones and made his teeth hurt. He had barely the time to recover, before Gautier had jumped onto the street, in turn, and with a roar, dove for Rene.

Every instinct screamed to run away. Rene stood his ground. Or he stood his ground, until the last second, when Gautier was about to run him through. And then he sidestepped, thrust his sword in the way.

The force that had failed him before, when his broken wrist hadn’t given him enough strength to puncture through Gautier’s muscular chest, was now of no importance. Gautier’s roaring charge carried him into Rene’s sword.

Even though Rene let go as soon as he could, the impact made his wrist a screaming focus of agony. But none of it mattered, because he had seen Gautier’s look of extreme surprise, as he crashed to the ground, pouring the black blood of vampires onto the flagstones.

And then the pain overwhelmed Rene and he lost consciousness, knowing that doubtless some vampire would kill him while he was unconscious. But he’d killed Gautier. And Pierre was safe.

* * * *

Someone was torturing Rene by thrusting a hot poker into his wrist. That was his first impression, followed quickly by a second, that someone was binding his wrist as carefully as he could in the circumstances. That it was a he was confirmed as a voice said, “Bear up, young man. If you’re going to vomit, wait a moment for me to get out of the way.”

Managing to bring his eyes barely open, Rene was surprised to see one of the amazing fighters he’d been watching before. It was the blond man. He was kneeling by the chair – chair? – on which Rene sat and was binding Rene’s wrist against a wooden splint.

The question of where the other fighter had gone was answered by the giant appearing at Rene’s other side, carrying a cup of something. “Drink,” he told Rene. “Drink.”

He put the cup to Rene’s lips, and Rene drank deeply, only to cough at the burn of brandy pouring down his throat.

“I hope you don’t make him drunk, my friend,” the blond man said, tying a neat knot and cutting off the ends of the strip.

“Who?” Rene managed. “What?”

“We are musketeers,” the giant said. “Recruited by Monsieur de Treville. I am Porthos and this is my friend Athos.”

“Athos is not a man,” Rene said, blustering, not sure of much, but sure of that. “It is a mountain. There is a monastery there!”

The man introduced as Athos laughed. He looked up at Rene as though evaluating him carefully. “Some of us in Monsieur de Treville’s regiment are running from vengeance or… minor infractions. Minor infractions committed when fighting vampires.” He looked into Rene’s eyes, and Rene was startled to find the man’s eyes, which looked, at first glance, black were in fact a very deep dark jade green.

The man called Athos sighed. “But from what we gathered during your fight, and after, when you were… I’m afraid, raving out of your head in pain, you too are running from something and in much the same circumstances. On your honor, will you keep our names?”

“I– Yes.”

“Then I am Raphael, Comte de la Fere. And this is my friend Monsieur Du Valon, who prefers to answer to the name of Porthos. And you?”

“I am Rene D’Herblay. I suppose… Chevalier D’Herblay until my son– That is, most will consider me the Chevalier D’Herblay.”

“But you’re not?” the giant rumbled.

Rene shook his head. “No. I am Father D’Herblay.”

For a moment, he thought he’d scared them. They looked at each other. The taller man raised his eyebrows. The blond man shook his head, but it wasn’t a denial, more of a concession.

“I’ve never heard of a priest fighting like you,” Athos said.

“We… The bishop said we needed a different kind of priests to… to protect the people.”

“Warrior priests,” Porthos said. He paused a moment. “Monsieur de Treville–”

His friend took it up. “Has given us the power to recruit trustworthy musketeers who will not be afraid to confront and kill vampires. Will your vows prevent your doing that?”

“No,” Rene said. “I don’t believe so.” He looked down at his wrist. “I don’t know how much good I will be. I–”

“You have very good technique,” Porthos said. “It needs only practice, and I promise you’ll get plenty of that. I know you have the making of an exceptional swordsman, and I should know. I was once a fencing teacher.”

Rene blinked at the thought. He’d tried to avoid the church to become a warrior, and now… and now he found the church led him to be a warrior.

“And we’ll look out for you, while you learn. There is an oath Athos and I have had, since we started going out fighting vampires together. One for two and two for one, but now…”

“But now we’ll change it,” Athos said.

Rene’s hand was wresting upon his knee, and Athos lay his own upon it. “One for all,” he said. Porthos grinned broadly and put his hand on top of their two hands, “And all for one.”

“You’ll do,” Athos said. “Are you enlisting under you own name? You’ll have to tell your real name to the captain, anyway, but if you are a priest, it is perhaps better to go under an assumed name. What would you like to be called?”

It took no time at all to think about it. A million dreams of leading men in war, a million school boy fantasies rushed in on Rene, and it was with a smile for his foolishness, and an embracing that his path did, indeed, lay in fighting that he said, in a voice that seemed to him older than he’d ever been, “Aramis. I am Aramis.”

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