Sorry this is so late. It’s not that we went to the doctor: that wasn’t such a big deal. It’s that we went to the doctor and then got high-jacked by the demon of small details: oh, yeah, I need some kind of exercise clothes since current set (36lbs down) is falling off me, and would be shocking to wear in public; oh, we need to return redbox and grab another one; did you know we’re out of yogurt?; I probably should stop by craft store and buy the craft caddy thing I’ve been putting off.
That’s not what I want to talk about today. It’s also not this, though I love this, and if I started a blog today it would probably be called Glee Club of the Damned. Because, well, that’s kind of the way my mind works. (Favorite lines? Oh, heck. But I’ll go with “I hated that book” mostly because I did.)
If’n you have time go and take a gander,
because there will be a test later it actually ties up with the post. Later.
You guys know now and then, for reasons, I have almost shuttered this blog. Usually the reasons go something like this: I don’t have time; PJMedia pays per post while what I make for this blog is very little; I don’t want to wake up every morning with this obligation hanging on me.
But I don’t shutter my blog, because you guys are friends and because, to be blunt, this is the only publicity I get, pretty much.
This time it was different. Let’s say there are secondary stresses on this, which I don’t intend to throw here, but let’s say younger son is trying to start a typesetting business for money while the university plays class scheduling games… (yes, if you want his email, ping me on fb or email me.) And there’s… other stuff.
So I woke up on Wednesday feeling like everything I’ve ever written is nothing much, and I can either start my career anew, right now, or I can retire. And retirement looked good.
On top of which someone went out of their way to make me feel non-valued as a professional. Which was the cherry on the cake that made it all blow up.
I started questioning what I’m even trying to do writing, and considered giving ALL OF IT up including the blog, and going off to do something less stressful and more productive like being Walmart door greeter.
Questions like “Why do you write?” And “What do you want to accomplish?” became very… squirmy and uncomfortable.
I have talked to friends (some of whom are mental health professionals) and done a lot of thinking about where I am and where I want to be.
And I think the problem is somewhere along the line, in my course through traditional publishing I let them get in my head and determine what I can even dream. I trained myself to write what I THINK is “publishable” — which means, trad pub publishable — And I lost ME.
Oh, I’m not dropping planned projects, but I need to spend some time figuring out what happened to that little girl who wanted to be a writer, and the truly strange (or not so strange, but not “acceptable” stories she wanted to write) and find out what happened to the zest and the joy of writing.
Some of it will spill here, and it also means the writing schedule will get reorganized. Heck, you guys have been waiting so long six months more ain’t much.
The some that will spill here might be snippets and starts, and just questions.
Back to that music video, and the “literal lyrics” that make fun of it. The whole video is surreal, and we can pick it apart all we want, but when it came out it was innovative and it spoke to us.
And the literal lyrics are very silly, but I’m glad someone did it, because it’s amazing.
So, I’m going to try to learn to be more like my writing friend who just writes what in his head, and cares not the least what people will think.
There will be slips, falls, and steps back. But… but maybe somewhere along the line I’ll reconnect with that girl curled up in the big armchair with a book dreaming of the things she would write. Or with her more sophisticated teen self, creating entire worlds. Or even with the young mother who put herself to sleep by telling herself stories she couldn’t sell.
And maybe I’ll find my joy and creativity again.
Somewhere in the distance there’s a light glimmering. I’ll walk the labyrinth to find it.