
This was not the post I was going to write today, but sometimes — sometimes — an idea comes out of nowhere and whomps you between the eyes.
This morning I woke up to a text from one of you — you know who you are — and suddenly I had this great plot for a thriller in my mind. Yes, I know you’re laughing and of course I’m finishing the mammoth book first. I just want to ask your opinion of how plausible this story is, in your mind, okay?
The names used in this plot are just place holders, no resemblance intended to any person living or dead, despite Wretchard’s tweet which of course means he ate some bad oysters of something, right?

Imagine we had a president, let’s call him Bindy E. Weed who was always an extremely corrupt politician, and whose family is so deep in crime that every dictator and cartel owns a piece. He was elected in an election so fraudulent it could never happen in reality because among other things it required fooling other nations about the virulence of a released bio-agent, and I mean, why would other nations all fall for that. Wait, I’ll make it so that they too are fighting internal dissension that will upend long-held structures of power. That might do it, right?
Bindy is elected and immediately gets what he deserves. First, due to his guilty conscience he jumps at nothing and either he or someone in his orbit orchestrates a Reichstag fire, which fails to have the effect hoped for despite work over years to make it into the worst thing ever. His inauguration — this is pretty much impossible in America, okay — is behind barbed wire fences and beefed up guard, but despite incitement nothing happens to justify it. And then…. slowly, incrementally, the wheels keep coming off.
There had been signs of decline before, but they were possible to cover up. Except he gets much, much worse. Behind the scenes he’s puppetted by his wife, a Doctor of … oh, I don’t know let me see a completely useless degree…. We’ll call it Pedagogical studies, as a place holder. His wife…. d*mn it, need name, Tilly Weed, and his son Nimrod. Nimrod not only has acted for years as the family bagman, but is also an addict to several disparate substances and has subtly been emitting cries for help in the form of trying to get caught for years. There’s also a cabal of overgrown theater kiddies who love, adore and bow down to Tilly thinking she is a mondo genius. The most prominent of them are the triple A group around Bindy, who are frankly my weak point. I mean, why should they all have A names? It begs the question. I might change it in post. And make them Bs. I mean, they’re B class talent. Anyway, it’s not just them, of course. Tilly has the kind of suburban mom vibe that will appeal to broken kiddies of any age, of which there are a lot in this administration and the corrupt ideology that supports it. For instance the head of the secret service Howda Cheatam — yes, the name is too on the nose, I’ll fix it later — is a great friend of Tilly and owes her rise to Tilly.
Everything is going swimmingly. Okay, it’s not, because our little cabal in power is busier fending off attacks from other cabals within the very corrupt party that put them in power than actually governing. Also, they’re not that smart. Suburban and (I hate the term, but there it is) midwits. More sure of their smarts than smart. Mostly because they have credentials and are sure these must mean something.
One of the more prominent cabals is from hungry-for-power-yet-hapless vice president Succor Brown. So far she’s not been much trouble because she’s even less liked than Bindy and frankly utterly incoherent.
But then the guy they frauded the election away from, and the previous president (1 term, so still eligible) announces his run for the presidency. What do we call him? Um…. Let’s call him Jack Spades. Remember this is just a placeholder. I’ll come up with something more plausible later, okay? Anyway, the Weeds know exactly how much votes this guy got, and they’re terrified, so they try to take him down before the elections. By legal means, of course.
Dr. Tilly isn’t precisely stupid, but she is hampered by the fact she is essentially, culturally, a suburban housewife. She knows what would stop her voting for someone. She would never vote for someone who had been convicted or even credibly accused of crimes. Not because she’s Simon pure, but because she would never vote for someone who is on the outs. Think grown up high-school cliques. This is the level of her intellect.
So there is first a lawsuit on a tenuous “I vaguely remember being raped at a time I can’t remember, in a place that maybe we were both at” that awards the person making the accusation (another faded jumped-up suburban mean-girl) a lot of money. But that doesn’t work. So the suits multiply, they’re obviously coordinated by Dr. Tilly (I mean there are links back up to her. Obvious too, because she’s not too bright.) And Spades is convicted. Only what he’s convicted of makes no sense whatsoever, besides “evil bad” and frankly, it seems to bolster his popularity. I mean, the one time they arrest him, he makes his mug shot iconic. He has no shame, his followers have no shame, and Dr. Tilly is starting to get that feeling she often got in college when the professor would explain something everyone else understood, and she felt like they were speaking a foreign language.
Then the truly disastrous happens. Well, to be fair, Dr. Tilly has got careless, mostly because no matter how strange and obviously out of control her husband gets in public, the press does cover up wonderfully, converts all his gaffes to moments of genius, and in general convinces the low information voters that perhaps things aren’t going quite as he planned, but Bindy is a good man, and certainly much better than Hater McHaterson Spades who will put anyone darker than a Fitzpatrick 2 skin tone and anyone who ever looked appreciatively at someone of the same sex, as well as anyone who ever dressed up as the other sex for a school play, in camps.
So Dr. Tilly thinks she’s safe in putting Bindy on a debate stage with Spades. Well, to be fair, she has reason for it. After all, they get the questions in advance, and practice saying things that will set off Spades notoriously volatile temper, so even if Bindy is a little incoherent, it will be overshadowed by Spades’ getting angry and ranting incoherently. They can then play those clips over and over and totally obscure the fact that Bindy is a few roots short of a full clump.
However, Spades keeps his cool. And Bindy is more incoherent than even Dr. Tilly could have anticipated.
Suddenly their own ideological faction, which — having lost its philosophical appeal for reasons that I’ll fill in later, like, oh, their historical model has been catastrophically disproven over and over again, to the point it’s hard to obscure — is best described as a bunch of rabid rats in a sack, each determined to survive all the others, is demanding that Bindy step down before he destroys their side utterly. AND Spades, incredibly keeps climbing in the polls. The praetorian media has him in a cone of silence which has worked for candidates before, but is not working for him. Somehow. And Tilly feels like she’s in a movie, where you fire at the monster and he just keeps coming and coming.
It’s time to — metaphorically speaking (or not) — pull out the big guns, and to destroy Spades and replace him with someone controllable.
Dr. Tilly knows or at least like everyone else has heard that other factions on her side have gotten rid of inconvenient people. There is that famous guy who died in jail and who didn’t kill himself. And as bad as that “suicide” was botched and despite the list of that guy’s clients never coming out, it’s held, hasn’t it?
And she has the power that Bindy is no longer able to hold. I mean, it’s good to be queen.
She’s not so stupid as to involve the three letters, because, well, she probably tried to give them hints in the past and was looked at like she’d lost her mind. And that was that raid on Spades’ resort Ocean Large which was supposed to have shown he was a danger to national security but the only three letters group that would listen to Tilly were themselves not the brightest and despised even within their agency. So the setup had started to leak almost immediately, and THEN the fact that Tilly’s husband had done worse had come out. Seriously, she could have spit. It wasn’t enough that the old goat had not been able to keep his hands off young — some very young — women but he also had done things so stupid even she didn’t know about them. So that entire thing had unraveled, and didn’t look to go anywhere. And hadn’t affected Spades’ polls the slightest. Except perhaps to make his numbers go up.
Now, I’ll admit I’m a little hazy here, because I’m ninety percent sure that no three letters were involved. Even in these, our debased times, it’s hard to sell anyone on the idea that they would in fact be this stupid, let alone be unaware of the foibles of guns or shooting, the fact that connections would start coming out over time. OR stupid enough to lend themselves to Tilly’s plot, particularly after the Ocean Large thing.
I don’t know, these things usually solidify when I write the actual book, so let’s say that Dr. Tilly knew of this kid through his parents, who are therapists of a sort who probably worked through the pedagogical establishment. Or perhaps Nimrod knew him through the drug dealing scene? The kid did after all work in a medical center. Or– Well, we can establish a million things.
Now, for all I know Dr. Tilly has another wounded child in her orbit in Nonesuch Agency who combed through records for her and found the kid. Whatever.
The question — the only question — is how hastily can I have it be setup and still be credible. Since it’s a half assed movie like plot dreamed up by a suburban woman, I think five days is enough. Interestingly, the same person whose tweet sparked this has another….

Okay. We’ll go with that. Five days, uh? Totally doable, if you pick a kid who is just enough on the spectrum he has no social media presence and no friends. This is essential otherwise he might tell someone about his great mission, etc.
You must pick a kid isolated and closed-in enough that he will not speak in the very few days left in his life. AND he must be smart enough that you can cater to his sense of being smarter than his surroundings and capable of more than he’s achieved. While he must be innocent enough of the world and well, let’s be clear, autistic enough to believe the movies are life. I should be able to write a kid like this — except for crying on the keyboard — because frankly that’s what most of us were to an extent or another.
If Dr. Tilly has enough low cunning — and she does — his parents or at least one of them actually support Spades, and the kid — just in case he shies off or escapes — is told he’s actually somehow helping Spades. Say he’s convinced Spades is not himself but an evil double, and if he kills the double…. OR he’s convinced that this is really a false flag to help Spades’ numbers.
Or of course the kid had been told for four years that Spades is actual Hitler, and who wouldn’t kill Hitler before the ovens got going?
Anyway… Meet with the kid a few times, convince him of his great power. Have him set his van to explode as a distraction, so he can “get away” even though, of course Dr. Tilly probably has someone else set to off him.
Oh, this is easy, because of course she has Howda Cheatam. Without Howda, Dr. Tilly could not possibly pull this off, but Howda knows to whom she owes her position, and besides, she admires Dr. Tilly in a soppy, not-very-bright-female crush on another not-very-bright female who made good. Dr. Tilly is everything Howda wishes she was, so smart, so well dressed, so down to Earth and so “sensible.”
And Dr. Tilly is not asking her to do anything actually illegal, right? Only take most of the security detail to protect Dr. Tilly at her impromptu appearance — so important. I mean, the first lady is better than some skivvy candidate who has been CONVICTED, right? — nearby and oh, keep her agents off the most logical roof to shoot from. Which is only safety. The roof is PITCHED after all.
So, the poor kid goes off to save the nation…. He makes sure his boss knows he only needs a day off.
There are still questions and points where my plot is weak: How did they prevent the secret service from acting and at least immobilizing him in the 50 minutes they would be aware of him? Why would his parents be so alarmed by his being late — he’s a 20 year old after all — or just not at work, that they called the authorities? I mean, I know those happen, but not how or why. Never mind. It will fill in later.
In fact, I’ll start this book with the kid being shot. And then fill it in backward.
Look, the thing about idiot plots is that they have a way of unraveling.
Now not splattering Spades’ brains all over kingdom come? That I need to invoke a miracle for. That is one of those things that is truly unbelievable, and I’ll have to call in my “one miracle.” You’re in general allowed one miracle per plot. But I need it for the setup to work. Because if the candidate is dead, it’s a whole different book, and I’m not writing the story — even fictional — of America unraveling and descending into chaos.
But after that? Look, the three letter agencies — who know they’re going to be blamed for this — might be corrupted by the corrupt ideology in power. They might be penetrated and at war with themselves. But they’re not as stupid as Dr. Tilly. (Few things above nematodes are.) And particularly they’re not as bound by the suburban zeitgeist. so they’ll see the holes she doesn’t see in her plot. And they’ll start poking.
Three days? That is enough for them to figure out what actually happened, and who did it. At that point, frankly, they’d be terrified. One thing is to have rapacious and conniving plotters on top, who can stay seated with carefully targeted assassinations. But Dr. Tilly is a clown show, a danger to herself, others, the nation, and frankly and more importantly, the three letter agencies. Not just their lives, but more importantly, what remains of their credibility. She’s already caused them to take body blows. At this point, even another Spades administration — and they can deal with him quietly, later, probably — is preferable to the sooper genius plots of Dr. Tilly.
They have the goods. They need to go to someone almost as stupid as Dr. Tilly but with boundless ambition, and the one most likely to take over if Dr. Tilly falls. So they go to VP Succor Brown. There would be a big confrontation in the halls of power four? Five days? after Spades survives.
Also the three letters would make sure Dr. Tilly knows they’ve got the goods and the proof.
Suddenly Bindy who said he’d never step down unless the Almighty told him to, comes down with a bio agent x infection. And says he’ll step down if the doctors say he should.
Now I’ll admit I don’t know how I finish the book. Ideally Dr. Tilly would get her comeuppance, but I’m not sure how to make that seem real. Likely neither do the Three Letters. And heaven only knows what their further plans are and if they had plans to deal with Spades before Dr. Tilly’s genius stylings.
What do you guys think? Does the plot so far hold together? And what do you think comes next to remain true to this book?
And what do you think of titles? Told by an Idiot, harking to Dr. Tilly’s essential stupid. Or The Boy Who Would Kill Hitler. Or perhaps Decision at Dumb?
I don’t know, but I’m sure you will. It is essential that people reading this think very carefully through it, and let me know what they think will happen next. I’m all curiosity. And who knows? Perhaps we can turn it from tragedy into comedy.

















































































































































