*BEFORE THE POST AN ANNOUNCEMENT:
Due to WordPress being less functional than normal, would you please sign your comments with your usual handle? (Also, yelling “we’re number one” is allowable, of course.) It might, though knowing the Huns it’s not guaranteed, limit the amount of friendly fire around here.*

I was sharing the link for the substack installment of Witch’s Daughter (Winter Prince tonight. This week and next are rocky, as they could/should be titled “fun with doctors.” For us or the cats.) and came across a discussion about “My feelings are valid.”
I really have no clue where this came from, except of course people wishing to use their feelings as cudgels on other’s heads.
I mean, assuredly, your feelings are “valid” in the sense that you have feelings, and no one can tell you not to have the feelings you have or that you do not in fact feel that way. By virtue of being an internal (and often not entirely controllable) phenomenon feelings are out of the reach of others. Others can’t deny them, or tell you don’t have them.
So, in that sense they are “valid” in that they exist. Or maybe exist. (How the heck do I know. I’m not you.)
But the question that comes to mind after establishing that is “Yes, and?”
Most of the “my feelings are valid” crowd are claiming that because they have these feelings, you have to change whatever you’re doing that gives them unpleasant feelings. And that is… what is the technical term? Oh, yeah: batshit insane.
To be clear, no matter how you feel, other people can’t do anything about it. This means they can’t do anything about your feeling sad/despondent/insulted because they did something you think triggered your bad feelings. You can say that people did it on purpose, and maybe they did, but the same principle that dictates that we can’t invalidate your feelings, also dictates that we can’t control them.
The truth is that while your feelings are real, they are fundamentally disconnected from external reality. They exist, but they are created by a confluence of who you are, your entire past and what actually happened.
Take the ridiculous attacker (probably Clamps trying to evade the block. I didn’t have enough interest to look it up) who came by to leave his first comment saying something like “This fat bitch won’t allow dissent in her comments. Enjoy your echo chamber, you fake American.”
I think I was supposed to feel really bad. Note the fat, which will hit about any modern woman — except I know I’m fat, know it’s not entirely under my control, since it relates to thyroid, and feel no guilt about it. Also, I’m too old to care about being a slinky sylph — and bitch — Which frankly I’ve been called by better people — and the not allowing dissent in my comments, which is of course anathema to a libertarian — except this libertarian doesn’t feel the need to invite the drunken uncle to the wedding. I allow you guys to duke it out, but insults like that would catch you a ban even if not first time, and not directed at me — and then the “fake American” — except I have the passport, and I’ve studied the culture and the history, and frankly? No one has the right to judge if I’m fake or real, and certain not an asshole troll. So, did I feel bad? A little. I felt bad I didn’t have the time to go in the back panel to ban him permanently after approving his first comment to say “Oh. I’m sorry. Does this blog make me look fat?” But hey, we can’t all have everything we want.
So, that comment went way off the mark. (And is not even the worst I’ve come across. Everyday some enjoin me to attempt impossible anatomical feats or worse. I honestly don’t even read most of them now. My assistant has permanent orders to delete the crazy ones that start off with name calling and profanity. Not that they affect me, really. They just give me a feeling of wading through a sewer.) It made me giggle and want to answer back in that way in the worst way possible. (Which I suppose is why I’m quoting it. Because I still think “Does this blog make me look funny?” is hilarious.)
Or take when Mary Three Names called me “racist” for using the term Chicom. I think I was supposed to feel guilty and immediately apologize. Except I know for a fact that communist is not a race — it’s a mental illness — and therefore I just made a post mocking her insanity and had ever-so-much-fun. (Which is why “bitch” is probably an appropriate descriptor. Meh. Sometimes it’s needed.)
These insults went wide, because I’m not your standard issue person my age and type or national origin, or whatever the heck you wish. And because frankly my writing career has most resembled a series of kicks in the teeth. So after a while what you’re kicking is scar tissue and doesn’t hurt.
However, I have friends — some of them my age, and with similar experience — who simply couldn’t take either of those accusations without dissolving. These friends largely stay out of politics, and often don’t even read them, because they could not engage and give as good as they got.
Their feelings are valid. And yes, the current climate causes their feelings. But it doesn’t mean, as much as I love them, that all of reality should stop in its tracks and everyone should — or can — start being nice to wrap them in cotton and spare them.
For one, because that’s impossible. For another, because their feelings are theirs, and an intersection of who they are and what else they’ve experienced. I can’t fully understand why they’re so sensitive, or how they became that way. But I don’t have to. I just have to realize they are that way, and when I get annoyed because they run and hide at the slightest thing, I can use my realization to stop feeling angry at them.
Because ultimately, your feelings are valid, but you’re the only one who can change them.
Say you love the color purple, and are deeply hurt and offended whenever someone says that purple sucks. Your feelings are real, of course. But you can’t demand that everyone, including strangers, respect your feelings and abstain from saying purple is an ugly color. Trying to do that will turn into a full time job, not to say a crusade. And if you could police the entire world, all you’ll achieve is having people trash-talk purple behind your back. Knowing that, you’ll probably feel even worse.
What you can do is — instead — learn to cope with the fact other people hurt purple. You don’t have to like it, but you can learn to accept it, and thereby stop feeling hurt and offended. They don’t hurt purple to offend you. They just hurt purple.
Then there is the other aspect: We can agree your feelings exist. Or at least, we can’t say they don’t.
However, we don’t have to agree with your diagnosis or your feelings.
Most of the craze of transing kids is because “kids’ feelings are valid” and if a little boy says he’s a little girl, that means he’s a little girl.
Uh…. no. It means he says he’s a little girl. Which means he might feel it — or not. Kids, literally say the craziest things. My kids spent an entire summer being an Alien and an Evil Twin (BUT as he kept telling me, not the ALIEN’S evil twin.) — or he might be pretending, or he might be playing. But even if he feels he’s a little girl, this isn’t necessarily an informed opinion. No, your two year old son doesn’t know what a two year old little girl feels like. How would he? He’s not one. What he knows of little girls has nothing to do with growing up to be women, and he has no more concept of sex than most of us do of advanced physics. So, if he feels like a girl, he probably likes pink, or would like to wear a dress for about an hour (before he needs pockets, or wants to climb a tree.) “Feeling like” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
It might also not mean what the person themselves think it means. Look, I have no beef with adults transitioning (well, not people older than 21. I think if you can’t drink, you really shouldn’t be allowed to overload on opposite sex hormones either. If the brain isn’t fully grown up for one thing, it’s not fully grown up for the other) but when an adult “feels like” the opposite sex, is that true? Or are they feeling something they interpret as feeling like the opposite sex?
We used to have very complex tests to make sure people really would be better off as the other sex, to avoid irreparable harm. But in the era of “Your feelings are real” all you have to do is say you feel it really deeply and boom, you’ll get hormones.
This is a guarantee of irreparable harm, because feelings change and sometimes you find that the other half isn’t what you felt like. You really felt like you’d like your life to be easier, say, but it turns out this patriarchy isn’t all it’s been advertised to be, and men don’t have it easier.
In the same way, the mass of loonies who stop people say expressing opposing opinions, because they feel attacked. Just because you feel attacked, it doesn’t mean you’re being attacked. And if your reasoning for feeling attacked is something like “The speaker is conservative, and therefore hates gays, women and people of color, so since I’m one I’m being attacked.” the attack is mostly between your ears and part of your defective thinking meat. If you actually clean out the ear wax and listen to what people are saying, chances are you’ll find that the speech doesn’t have anything to do with you. Instead it’s about things like the rule of law, the abstract advantages of free speech, or even things like taxation. Which aren’t about you and therefore boring, and might make you feel bad in an entirely different way.
Feelings are feelings. I feel, you feel, we all feel. But feelings are a worst way to run a society or determine a political system than moist bints submerged in lakes and distributing magical swords. And just as uncontrollable.
“Respecting other feelings” belongs to the realm of polite party manners, not the realm of adult society. In adult society, where we discuss important things and even more important principles, someone is going to get upset.
I often get upset at gross injustice. And I work through my feelings by writing blogs about it, because at my age, lack of connections and avoir-du-pois I really can’t do much more than push the ripple out and make more people aware of the injustice. It isn’t’ much, but it does help me deal with my feelings.
Which is what we all, as adults, have to do. I might feel that a vast portion of the population would be better off dropped from helicopters, but the question is: how do I identify them? Further questions are: whose army would help me with this task? And further questions: How could I buy that many helicopters. And then: wouldn’t it be terrible for marine ecology? And then: I don’t even know if commies can be safely eaten by sea creatures. (Yes, that is facetious. I am not, in the words of facebook, coordinating harm.)
So, instead, I accept that my feelings are real, but there is no way to assuage them, and instead make a lot of St. Augusto de Puma memes and afflict other people’s feelings, and let them deal with that.
Because yeah, your feelings are real. And they’re valid in the sense you feel them, and we can’t stop you feeling them.
But they entail no obligation on anyone’s part to change them, or make you not experience bad feelings.
If you’re a little kid, have a lollipop.
If you’re an adult, learn to cope with your own feelings. Other adults weren’t put on this Earth for your joy and comfort. Find something to do and stop angsting about how you feel.
Or, if you can’t, do what my more sensitive friends do, and abandon the field of battle. Restrict your activities to things that don’t inflame your feelings.
Because the only one who can do anything about your oh, so valid feelings, is you.
And you’re the one who should.























































