Alas, I remain

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

I just got word that my brother, Alvarim, died this morning.

We meant to go visit this fall, because I feared it might happen, but with the move and all, we were low on money and…. it didn’t happen.

We were so far apart in age that we were practically both only children, and he was ALMOST a third parent. And no, that’s not the best picture above. He hated having his picture taken, and I was weird. BUT–

For a long time I was his shadow. doing what he did, because that was the way to be in my mind. I followed him everywhere. I pretended to read the same books, and then later on read the same books and for a while we spoke almost exclusively in quotations from those books, driving my poor parents nuts.

He read to me when I was sick as a small child, was very patient with my notions when I was a teenager, and since we always thought no one would be stupid enough to marry either of us, we’d planned to get old and crazy together in our parents’ house.

It didn’t happen that way. He was very good to my kids. During the lean, tight years he’d send us money to buy them gifts.

We diverged politically as I came into my own mind, but the love was always there. And despite our differences, until he grew too ill to read much, when I visited, every five years or so, the book on his bedside table, often an history book or a classical mystery, was the same — in translation — as the one I’d left on my bedside in the US.

He died, and I never got to say goodbye and I don’t know what to do with this.

And my poor father, burying his first born little more than a year after losing his wife.

At least he came back to the church before he died.

Please, if you’re the praying kind, pray for my brother, Alvarim Marques de Almeida.

And pray for my father.

This is new year 1980. Of the people in this picture, a good half are dead.

Alas, I remain.

I’m not going to be okay for a long time. I will come around, but forgive me if I’m a little weird now and then.

And pray for me too, if you’re the praying kind.

31 thoughts on “Alas, I remain”

  2. I hit “Like,” because there isn’t a “That sucks and I’m SO SORRY” button. Prayers now and in future for you, your brother, and your family.

    It sucks, and I am SO SORRY.

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  9. O Senhor te abençoe e te guarde;  o Senhor faça resplandecer o seu rosto sobre ti e tenha misericórdia de ti;  o Senhor sobre ti levante o seu rosto e te dê a paz.  Ms Sarah,

    I was deeply saddened to hear about your brother’s sudden passing, as I am certain are everyone who knows you. We know how dear he was to you, and we can only imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling. Please know that you and your family are in my family’s prayers. May the memories of the years you shared bring you some comfort in the days ahead. With heartfelt sympathy, John Bailey

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  10. Please do not suffer. He would not want you to. You did the best you could. So did he.

    Be sad that he is gone, but glad that he was here.

    We will pray for you and your father in church tomorrow.

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  11. I’m so sorry for your loss, Sarah. I know his memory will be a blessing to you, and I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. *Hugs.*

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  15. Prayers lofted. So sad for your loss, Alvarim sounds like a wonderful person. Thankful to hear he returned to the church. The parting is painful but only temporary for believers.

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  17. You have my condolences.

    As I write this, I’m traveling to the memorial that my family will be holding for my uncle, who passed away suddenly about a month ago. The worst part of it is that we hadn’t seen him much recently. He’d been a frequent visitor to my parents’ home, but car trouble meant that he hadn’t come for a while.

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  22. I’m so very sorry for your losses. The holes in our souls from such things are permanent, but we do  (eventually) darn the pieces together and continue. May their memories bring you comfort. With condolences, Lori Miller Kissell Sent from AOL on Android

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  23. Sadly, those of us who remain past a cretain age understand all too well what you’re going through. Prayers, for your brothers eternal repose, for your father in his grief, and for you to bear your load well. Share the burden with your family, they expect it and are wanting to help. (as all of us in your virtual family do also).

    May God’s healing mercy be granted to you all.

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  25. Prayers for the four of you were said and added to daily prayers. Twenty-five years ago we lost Mom, and two years later, baby sister. Of course, you and your life will be weird for a while. Again prayers and so sorry for your loss.

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  26. I am truly sympathetic that another piece of sadness has come to you.

    I hope all of you who knew him remember the good and keep him alive that way.

    And I hope you’ll forgive me for noting the sheer 70s-ness of that photo. Leather, cigs and ‘staches like, everywhere.

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  27. So sad to hear of your loss.

    “Death closes all: but something ere the end, Some work of noble note, may yet be done,” and I think your post’s title should be, “And I alone remain to tell the tale.” Keep telling the tales.

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  28. Respects and condolences to you and your family; and prayers for your brother, for you and for your loved ones.

    I can’t presume to say I know how you feel; but perhaps I have an inkling, having lost both my parents in the last 4 years…

    Be well, and know that there are those who are praying for you and your family.

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  29. I’m sorry, Sarah. I’m so sorry. I feel this hard. My older brother is sixteen years older than I am, which means he’s 76 last month. I don’t know how much longer he’s got or maybe he’ll outlive me, who knows. But your story with Alvarim really resonates.

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  31. I know we have an ugly history, so let me say,

    I really feel for you losing your brother. Seriously. No bullshit Jack.

    I lost my youngest sister sixteen years ago and I still feel like God took the wrong one. You probably agree.

    It was obvious there was a close bond between you, because (a) you almost always were referring to a disagreement with him, and yet (b) you never showed any hostility.

    I’ve pretty much lost the rest of my family, not to death but to permanent hostility. I won’t go into details, since this is supposed to be your show, not mine, except to say that, first of all, yes I am an asshole as you say I am, and second, that they are worse. You would agree if I gave the details, but once again, it is your show. But the point is that I feel for you, and to a certain extent envy you for having loving, if not always right, family.

    Since we both love coffee, (lifts cup) here’s to Alvarim!

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