You Impostor!

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

I have no idea for whom I’m writing this, but it must be written, so here goes.

I spent the first ten years of my writing career in panic fear. This is from the time my first novel was published. The panic fear caused me to make a lot of bad decisions, like not push for a higher advance in my second and third novels, not figuring out what the house was up to, not generally being in your face and demanding with the house. (So, in all artistic human endeavors, if you behave like a big deal they treat you as such. I didn’t know that, and my tendency is to be polite and stay out of the way of people — presumably — doing their job. This was a mistake.)

What was I in a panic about. Good question. I was recently talking about this with my husband, and he was utterly baffled. The bizarre thing is that looking back so am I, because the me now is not the me 26 years ago. In fact, in many ways, save for inheriting an aged version of her body, we might as well be aliens to the other.

I mean logically, and on the face of it I DO realize what she was scared of. Except that…. really?

So younger Sarah’s completely logical fear was that she’d be found out as a fraud and bad things would be said about her on the internet.

Husband’s first question was: “What? Like they’re said now every hour of the day, sometimes even to your face?” Me: “Yep. Exactly like that.” Him: “Why be afraid of that?” Me: “Because she was afraid that people saying it would make the bad things true. Or at least make people believe they were true. And then she wouldn’t ever be able to keep her head up.” Him, giving me the narrow side-eye: “Your head seems to be up just fine.” Me: “Yep, but she didn’t think that was possible.”

His second question was “Logical fear?”

Me: Think about it. Think about the astronomical odds against getting published at all in the old days. (Seriously, you guys who are mostly readers have no idea. You, and even I, dismiss the people who published a single book, it wasn’t very good, and they vanished. But in terms of competition to get published, even that single book meant overcoming immense odds by an amazing combination of skill and — yes — luck. (Because luck is a factor in every human endeavor.) I no longer remember how we calculated it one long drunken evening at World Fantasy, but I think the odds of any novel getting published were one in ten thousand, at any given time. Almost regardless of quality, because in odds that vast quality must have some assist from luck. (Unless sheer nepo is involved).)
I’m an English-as-a-third-language-speaker (and writer.) The fear that I’d suddenly be found to be truly terrible at it after publishing six or seven books was a successor to my certainty, when I first started mailing out books that every editorial office was laughing at my story submissions. So that part was logical.

What wasn’t logical, but was a product of impostor syndrome and insanity was my conviction that “EVERYONE” would suddenly realize my books sucked (this btw got worse with things like the finalist status for Ill Met By Moonlight in the Mythopoeic, and winning second place in the Colorado Book prize (whatever that is exactly. I no longer remember, because I have no brain.)) Because OBVIOUSLY they were just delluded about my being competent. AND my absolute certainty that if “everyone” decided that they would be “right” and that therefore I would be eternally and completely reviled.

Looking back, all of this seems like a ten-year-long psychotic episode, but at the time it was so real and seemed so “might happen at any second” that I lived under an immense amount of stress, roughly akin to a rabbit pursued by hounds. How I managed to function, keep house, raise the kids and write several books that way is a testimony to the fact I’m part badger. You can drive me into a hole, but I’ll fight like a demon with my back to the wall.

The problem of course was that it was me chasing me into a hole.

Discussing this with Charlie in our monthly or so dinner (Should be weekly, but life is weird right now and sometimes we don’t want to drive all the way out, even if dinner with him is always a blast) he said everyone goes through that. I mean not about being a writer in his third language, but in all his many varied careers he says that’s exactly what he always felt like at the beginning. Further he said that when he went to medschool (you guys read the “varied” career right?) he realized that every one of the doctors he studied or worked with, even the ones who looked cockily or psychotically self-assured went through this: in their case the certainty they’d one day hurt someone, perhaps fatally, and the fear they weren’t competent enough for their job. NO MATTER HOW COMPETENT THEY WERE. Except trauma surgeons, because their work is basically a last ditch effort to save someone, and the fact is that even bad trauma surgery at least has a chance, which is better than no chance.

Which I think is part of what was at the heart of my fear, and perhaps what is at the heart of all modern impostor syndrome.

Hear me out: we — all of us, pretty much — these days are the product of a schooling system in which we are continuously tested against a platonic ideal.

No? Think. Tests have a 100% mark. IDEALLY you’d hit the 100% mark. And for us, those born owing money, forever justifying our existence and perpetually suspecting ourselves of sucking if we got a B+ — because it’s not 100%. DUH — we internalize that idea.

Once we’re doing our jobs, we’re utterly convinced we should do our jobs PERFECTLY. And if we don’t we suck. Even if we’re performing at 98%. And anything below that? Well, we’re absolutely utter failures. Even if normal performance for our jobs is say 50% (We’d be lucky if it’s that high. Have you seen some of the people doing their supposed jobs? Some of which are colleagues of each one of us here?) we think we’re failing because we’re not 100%.

I think that’s “public education mind warping.” Though perhaps we’re just broken. Because G-d knows the incompetents out there aren’t worried every day that they’re failing. They seem utterly convinced they’re the best think since sliced bread. With butter and jam, at that.

So, if you’re experiencing impostor’s syndrome and experience a panic fear that you’re going to be found out to be a total fraud, or make a mistake SO catastrophic the world collapses around your ears forever and ever amen, you in fact are probably better than average at what you do. (Look, at least you’re working at it!)

BUT the problem remains, even if you accept that impostor syndrome LIES to you. How do you get rid of the feeling you’re an utter failure wearing a plastic nose, glasses and mustache of competence as a disguise? I don’t know.

I did it, but I’m not exactly sure why. Part of it, I think, was actually having what I was afraid of happen, but differently. I.e. it wasn’t because they thought I was terrible writer. (Yes, they say so, but you know it’s not.) Part was just… growing up. Realizing how pathetic so many of the litewahwy dahlings are. How much nepo goes on in the business, and how effed up the world is in general.

Realizing that this is not school. No one in the real world does 100%.

We just do what we can, the best we can. And yes, sometimes we make horrible mistakes*, and then we recover from them as best we can, and we go on.

Because in the world of humans, “perfect” isn’t on the menu. If you weren’t doing your job, someone else would be doing it. And the someone else, if they don’t suffer from the same crippling impostor syndrome, are probably just doing it “good enough” which means worse than you.

So, carry on, you brilliant impostor, you. I have no idea what you are impostoring about, but if you feel like an impostor, you’re probably doing better than 75% of people. (There have been studies, though I’m too lazy too find them.)

So wear your plastic glasses, nose and mustache with pride. In this fallen world, no one is doing that wonderfully, but you just might be among the best.

You brilliant, wonderful impostor you.

Go do the job.

*Though I admit that somehow forgetting the first chapter of your just published book is a special kind of mistake. And I thought I’d made all possible ones BEFORE that.

126 thoughts on “You Impostor!”

  1. I can’t help but think of other imposters.

    IE The Lefties that claim that they are adults. [Very Big Twisted Grin]

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    1. ‘Impostor Syndrome’ is about doubting your own competence and ability. Leftroids don’t doubt themselves — they are totally sure they are Teh Bestest And Brightest while actually being feckless incompetent morons. ☹️

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      2. I had an exchange with Dorothy Dimock on using a scooter for shopping. After I read this post (and did more damage because Some Things Have To Be Done–Now!), I realized it was a form of Imposter Syndrome. I couldn’t convince myself that I deserved to use a grocery scooter. Duh!

        [Voice of overworked knee: “Dumbshit!” Gives internal joint version of a Gibbs-slap. :) ]

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          1. Yes, you encouraged me to shop-smart, and I came up with a bunch of hooey for why not. Mental frame adjusted, needs some epoxy and a touch of Mig Welding for a permanent fix.

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            1. This is big with the disability community. Especially those with a service dog or *mini-horse (although the mini-horse community has lost some of their rights with recent ADA overhauls). If you have a small dog as your service animal. Note. Small dogs also have noses.

              Point is, no matter how many tasks your service animal does for you, when in public venues where pets are not allowed, it is very difficult to overcome the “I don’t deserve this!” Especially if you aren’t blind or in a wheelchair.

              (*) For those who the largest dogs are too big, or too fragile, for larger individuals (there is a human to dog size that is required for mobility). Or those who are allergic to dogs.

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      2. Eh. First chapters are overrated. When has a first chapter ever won an award?

        Okay, the now-discontinued Bullwer-Litton Fiction Award from my Alma Mater was for the first sentence, but it was supposed to be purposefully award winning as the worst of the year.

        Just leave it out on purpose and make the readers catch up on their own.

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              1. I did a delete and re-download on one of the newer Fires, and it seems the other new one already got the update. (both 2025 or ’26 vintage) The 2014 ancient one was offline, but it took a delete and download fine.

                I want to keep the current inventory. Come May 26, Amazon won’t allow new downloads on the old one. It’s limited in features, but Good Enough and robust (and big screen) for a haul-around Kindle.

                TL;DR The full description I gave may not be necessary, but it does work.

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                1. Thinking about it, I had WD on the three Kindle Fires for a while until they hit the TBR stack. A week or so ago, I read the book, and that first chapter was already in place. Not so on the older one; that one needs lots of attention when downloading books. I can see why Amazon is dropping support; it’s way too different from the newer Fires.

                  Side note: I’d consider a Paperwhite if a) they had a larger screen (6″ screens? At my age!?!?) anb b) were less expensive.

                  The 11″ Scribe is not an option.

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        3. a) as best as I can tell, you can do the following (I’m assuming little to no Kindle knowledge. No offense intended; some newbies may need this too.) Applies to more modern Kindle Fires. The 2nd Gen Fire is different. No idea on the Paperwhites.

          a.0 Read all of section a, try it on a book wall-worthy if you have one downloaded.

          a.1 Go to Kindle, then the library. Press the book icon and hold it until the checkmark shows up.

          a.2 Go to the 3-dot menu and select the NON-permanent remove menu item.delete the eBook from your kindle,

          a.3 Go to your ‘zon account and and Device and content menu. Select the book and chose “Deliver to device”.

          a.4 go back to the Device & Content menu in your account, and re-download.

          b) Which book? It’s been an interesting several months and I could have missed something.

          c) If you have a to-be-dropped early Gen Kindle, the removal can occur if the book is in the carousel. If it’s on in there, scroll though the book list, select, and it’ll be in the carousel. (My 2nd Gen Fire has served as well as it could since 2014. Missing a lot of the new features, but it still works.)

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  3. I definitely have some sort of problem that is imposter syndrome, or like it.

    I either feel like I am behind on deliverables, or I am a little too relaxed and seemingly stop moving.

    But, some of the rest of it does not feel like what I am experiencing.

    I may have burnt out on some of the worrying about ‘but what if…’

    But, yes, my last some odd years have been hampered by some stuff that in hindsight does have some similarity to a psychotic break.

    Where I am going, and the rest of the sorting I need to do along the way? I dunno.

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  4. It may seem weird for a retired (nonfiction) publisher to admit, but my very first full-time job after graduating college was repairing Xerox machines in downtown Chicago. They were wonderful machines (this was in 1974, when copiers were still a bit of a novelty) but eventually they broke. The two years I spent in that role taught me that everything breaks sooner or later. And when something breaks, you fix it and keep going. That’s been my life strategy ever since. Works.

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    1. A non-trivial piece of knowledge. There are those on the Left who think they can seize the means of production and then run them forever with no more ado.

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  5. The other side of the Dunning-Kruger coin: people who actually *are* competent are more aware of their mistakes and consistently underrate their actual expertise. For most of us, being good at something includes awareness of how much better we could be. Sometimes it’s an unhelpful hyper-awareness.

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    1. The more you know, the more you don’t know. When you discover the other half of the paradox is also 100% true, you now know you don’t know.

      So bewilderment is the beginning of wisdom. Before you didn’t know you didn’t know. Now you know you don’t know, and can learn what you don’t know.

      Embrace bewilderness. One of my current blessing is: “May you learn what you don’t know.”

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      1. “…and knowing is half the battle!”

        …

        “The other half of battle, of course, is intense and overwhelming violence. Extremely intense, extremely overwhelming ultra-violence. Gut-splitting, blood spurting….”

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        1. Or maneuver that places your enemy in a weak situation, that forces him to retreat without battle. Related back to that knowing thing.

          Also, knowing when to fight and when not to. One reason the Mongol forces were so dangerous, mounted, they could chose when to fight and when to not. Related back to the knowing thing.

          The fog of war, learning what you don’t know, before it kills you.

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    2. The people I’ve met who do great work rarely think that they’re doing great work. They generally feel that they’re stupid and lazy, that their brain only works properly one day out of ten, and that it’s only a matter of time until they’re found out.

      – Paul Graham

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      1. My mind is erratic, and I rarely hit my best levels of function for a sustained period of time.

        There’s a way to self navigate between ‘burn the candle at every end’ and ‘get absolutely nothing done ever’.

        I do not know how to do that, yet.

        Part of the problem is that my sense of whether I am doing my best work compared to past, is uncalibrated. I don’t feed myself a truly consistent series of tasks, so my ‘how well did that go?’ is almost certainly apples and oranges, no matter what the current example is and whatever comparison example that I call from memory.

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    3. I look at my coworkers and wonder when someone will call me out for being the worst teacher at Day Job. They are much more attuned to things, more creative in the classroom, and so on.

      BUT my bosses have not fired me yet, and they keep renewing my contract, so I guess perhaps I’m not as bad as I think. Maybe.

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  6. Luck is interesting. A large part of luck is in being ready to accept opportunities when they come your way—and to recognize them for what they are. And I’m pretty sure a lot of socialization skills are actually counterproductive when it comes to that—as in taking turns and so forth. “Ah, but you should offer the opportunity to Y, she’s so much better/needs it more/deserves it more.” When in terms of “luck” you should reach out and grab that with both hands.

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    1. “Chance favors the prepared mind.” I think it was Pasteur who said that. “Serendipity is damfool good luck you just happen to be able to take advantage of.” That’s from Professor Aaron Yallow, whose big distinction, I believe, is his wife Rosalyn’s share of a Nobel Prize.

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    2. I used to work with a guy who was part of a bridge foursome during lunch. He was always bemoaning his bad luck, and sure enough he got more than his share.

      They’ve done studies where they told random people to scour a newspaper until they found a certain key. Those who considered themselves unlucky scoured the paper for a long time. Those who considered themselves lucky noticed on the first inside page there was a box that said, the key is on the next to last page and were finished in no time.

      OTOH those who rely on their good luck eventually find it deserts them just when they needed it most. They fall the farthest.

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  7. I can understand, too often I’ve felt like I was just faking my way through whatever I was doing. It wasn’t until I stumbled into a chance to turn my hobby into a career that I started to feel like I actually was doing something I was really good at. While it didn’t happen overnight I developed a level of confidence in myself that had been lacking in the past. Even with the ups & downs of business I finally was enjoying myself and didn’t feel like I was putting on a false front for people.

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    1. (Chorus: Trouble! Trouble! Trouble! Trouble!)
      Friends, lemme tell you what I mean.
      Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six chapters in those paperbacks.
      Chapters that mark the diff’rence
      Between a gentlemen and a bum,
      With a capital “B,”
      And that rhymes with “P” and that stands for pulp!

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          1. Don’t even know who they are. Riffing on a line of dialogue I wrote in a screenplay circa 1996 (the screenplay, thankfully, no longer exists):

            “If you don’t know that you know what you know, how can you possibly know that you don’t know you know what you think that you know, hm?”

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            1. It wasn’t exactly word for word, but the flavour is the same —

              https://www.google.com/search?q=wayne+and+shuster+julius+ceaser&rlz=1C1HKFL_enCA1203CA1203&oq=wayne+and+shuster+julius+ceaser+&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIICAEQABgWGB4yCAgCEAAYFhgeMgoIAxAAGKIEGIkFMgoIBBAAGIAEGKIEMgcIBRAAGO8F0gEJOTYxMWowajE1qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:7758d3a2,vid:NvZCKKiDMRw,st:0

              Starting about 1:20 for the exchange.

              W&S were a Canadian comedy team from the 60’s, the Julius Caesar skit is one that has aged well.

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  11. I had *just* started to shake off my imposter syndrome after 35+ years in the business…and now the place I work at has almost convinced me that I really am as terrible as I thought I was in my deepest darkest moments. Sometimes. Other times I fight back. But that sort of negative reinforcement from an employer over a couple years, when you’re already susceptible to imposter syndrome anyway, really causes it to flare up.

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    1. Remember, those prior reviews, the good ones, were not somehow totally wrong. Just because your current management now writes reviews from the “look how terrible my reports are, I am so incredible in deigning to oversee their horrible efforts” school does not mean anything about you has changed.

      Why, yes – personal experience is speaking. Why do you ask?

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  12. I think the vast majority of incompetents know they’re incompetent which is why they are so apparently confident but opposed to any sort of scrutiny. That said, when I was in the way of vetting people for jobs, I always tried to select people who admitted that they didn’t know, not in a humble brag way, but as sincerely as I was able to detect. That said again, I was stunned to find out that many of my colleagues thought I was supremely arrogant in that I was fairly open about my inability to predict the future, but still managed to go on without messing up too badly — well, I did mess up very badly once, which ended that portion of my career but, umm …. They all pretended to know and thought badly of me for not pretending. IT was bizarre.

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  13. https://babylonbee.com/news/conservative-too-exhausted-to-form-opinion-on-thomas-massie

    The joke is that this is topical because I have been feeling imposter syndrome as an internet conservative, because my mouth is moving, but I clearly don’t have anything to say, and I don’t know what is going on. (I have not been experiencing that sort of imposter syndrome, I think it is fine if I don’t know, and have nothing to say. The babbling is a problem, but a long standing one.)

    There are things that could happen or be done, that I would have interest, excitement, or enthusiasm for, but really that might just be a distraction from getting my own life in better order.

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    1. I like Massie. He is one of a handful of politicians that consistently votes and represents his beliefs no matter what. The current girlfriend craziness is obviously a political hit job. Saw her in a video and and she came across as crazed and nowhere in her claims did I see unethical behavior on his part. After looking into it, her and several of his local political opponents seem to be the prime movers in this. To me it looks like a political hit job. Of the stuff they claim, I haven’t seen a single shred of evidence either. It’s just basically massie bad and you should believe us. The fact that she is being filmed for political adds against him as leads me to wonder what’s in it for her, and the ones running against massie.

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          1. No offense but that is part of the current breakdown of our system. I have zero problems with the stuff Massie has done across the isle. That is how our system is supposed to work. Working with others on issues that both parties agree on. The democrats have pretty much destroyed that over the last 20 years and backed themselves into a corner where the Republicans are starting to do it to them. It’s isn’t good. Massie isn’t the only one that does this on either side. There are a handful of republicans and democrats that have been putting forward bipartisan bills forever and more often than not actually getting them passed. Nothing wrong with it. Massie is just hi profile right now as trump is trying to destroy him any way he can and drive him out. Otherwise you probably still wouldn’t know who massie was.

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        2. I’m not going to ding him for that. Trump really had a lot of people pissed over that including me and most people I know. Trump was playing games like he normally does. Saying one thing while playing a different game in the background. I understand why he does it but it really in the long term isn’t a good thing and erodes trust in his base.

          I watch trump like a hawk. There is a lot of stuff I really disagree with on how he is doing things and even more important what he is doing. I still think he is the best president we have had in my lifetime as far as rolling back existing insanity but he is building in a bit of insanity of his own for going forward. Trump is not a constitutional president, he is shit on 4th amendment and I don’t think he cares for 2nd amendment or 1st amendment more than it takes to make the average maga base happy. I have heard him speaking multiple times at cabinet meetings and say the stupidest stuff in relation to those constitutional issues that makes you know that that is not his basis of thought. He wants deregulation, and boost to the economy, in trumps book that is big business. Again he does what he needs to do for small business to make the base happy but his administration has been horrible for squashing very legitimate anti-trust cases across the board almost. He is not creating a level playing field between big and small business.

          Also massie and trump have almost never gotten along. Trump expects unwavering loyalty no matter what he does and massie is going to act and vote his conscious no matter what. Once trump savaged him a couple times over not agreeing with what he wanted I can see massie legitimately not liking and not caring about trumps agenda’s unless it 100% aligns with his. I have almost 100’5 agreed with massies stance on those disagreements also.

          again this is one of trumps fundamental problems, it is his way or the highway and even with people that would be with him 75% of the time he will try to destroy them if they disagree 25% of the time.

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          1. Nobody here thinks Trump is Perfect.

            But what many here see & dislike is the Insane Trump Hatred which includes Massive Lying about Trump.

            And the idea that Trump is a pedophile and/or shields pedophiles, is An Out-Right Lie.

            IMO a person can dislike Trump without Lying About Trump.

            And it’s getting Hard to like people dislike Trump who apparently don’t care about the Lies thrown at Trump.

            And you apparently don’t give a sh*t about the Lies told about Trump.

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            1. So…….. this will be my last reply on this. Did you just listen to yourself, and did you bother reading what I wrote? You are coming off as the Trump is always right version of TDS.

              Did you bother to read where I said Trump is the best president we have had in my lifetime? I, like a lot of people, haven’t drunk the Trump coolaid, nor are we all TDS. Instead we judge him issue by issue and behavior by behavior. I like him more than any president in my lifetime. 60 years of watching the bastards, including regan, bush, clinton, bush, obama, and biden stab us in the back over and over. Liked regan more than disliked but did a bunch of shit that has turned into a lot of our current issues or at least helped them along.

              Stop and think for a minute… take a deep breath. being 100% for anyone is a long step toward joining the cult. Once you hit 100% one way or the other it basically makes you turn your brain off and just ask how hi when they say jump.

              I loved my mother more than I can articulate, god bless her soul, but I didn’t always agree with her. If the woman that brought me into this world, that raised me and my brother and sister by herself, that I loved more than I can describe doesn’t get 100% agreement from me then no one else is going to get it either :) Just thought that was a fun example but a true one.

              what I am trying to say is that we all need to take a deep breath and not go all your an evil bastard if we don’t agree 100% with you. I have the feeling we probably agree at least 85% maybe. Is it worth have that much hate for the 15% disagreement?

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              1. And you sound like a Trump Hater because you post this garbage.

                Oh, I don’t believe you when you say that Trump is the “best President in your lifetime”.

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                1. Yeah, Scott does sound a bit like damning with faint praise. However, he might just be having a bad day. We all do sometimes. I didn’t think you came across as a Trump is always right syndrome sufferer.

                  I do think Massie is a RINO.

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              2. “not go all your an evil bastard if we don’t agree 100% with you.”

                Once again, Massie accused Trump of defending pedophiles.

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              3. “not go all your an evil bastard if we don’t agree 100% with you.”

                Once again, Massie accused Trump of defending p***philes.

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          3. Recall Lyndon Baines Johnson? he makes Trump look like a creampuff when it comes to payback. Utterly vicious thug. Abused the crap out of subordinates, even his own bodyguards.

            I am ever so proud Pop (USSS) once told him “Get off my ass you son of a bitch”.

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            1. “Abused the crap out of subordinates, even his own bodyguards.“

              –

              Which by all reports, Trump does not do.

              In general if subordinates respect Trump, he respects them. Even when disagreed. I guaranty, none of his cabinet agree with every decision. But leading up to that decision, they get their input. Once the decision is made, they support it, or work toward that result. Too often it isn’t the result that is where the disagreement lies, but in what order to tackle problems, and how.

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              1. I really like that about trump. I have spoken with a handful of people that worked in blue collar positions for him at trump towers or other businesses he had. They were pre him running for office. They were consistently very pro trump because of how he treated them. These were people on the cleaning staff or maintenance staff etc… I heard a bunch of stories where he would just be passing by and start a conversation asking how they were doing, any issues, asking about family etc.. Also stories about coworkers that had medical issues or children with medical issues and were struggling and how after he heard about it he paid for treatment, got them better living conditions etc…

                I also know people that had family that were contractors on some of his building projects and they hated his guts because he would withhold payment on a completed job until they signed a contract for the next project at a better deal for him.. not sure that was him personally or just people in his business, it wasn’t clear. Not saying he didn’t pay but they got leveraged to get that payment in a timely manner.

                all this from people that directly worked for him and knew him or contracted to his business. me telling it is 2nd or 3rd hand so take it with a grain of salt if you need to but the people I spoke with seemed like the salt of the earth sincere kinda people. These are people that I bumped into a places like wendy’s or other low key normal daily life sorta situations and we happened to strike up a conversation. Never met them before or after.

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  14. Just a comment on a writer’s life before the Amazon-led self pub revolution in 2010. It was at least 2 years of sending out stories to magazines before I got my first personalized rejection slip rather than the copied form saying, “Not for us”. I celebrated like a lunatic knowing what the odds were for getting just that far. I was finally on my way!

    Then when I got rejection letters telling me what was wrong with my story, I had to put them away for 2 weeks while I was stomping around, yelling (maybe even sometimes aloud), “Why don’t you just buy it, you *******. I’ve seen you publish a lot worse than this!” Eventually my anger would subside enough for me to be able to read it calmly and realize, “They actually have a point. I need to fix that.”

    Somewhere I still have the photocopies of stories that I kept with my hand-scratched log on the back listing when and where I sent it, then when it came back. I don’t think I ever got to the point of having to start a new page for the rejection log, but it was close for some. Then I finally SOLD a story, at half-cent a word, paid on publication, and waited 13 months to get that $14 check. No, I didn’t frame it. I expected a lot more to be rolling in. LOL!

    When I started writing again after my retirement and publishing and giving away fan fiction to test my One Simple Trick to Writing Fame and Fortune™, I came up with something else. Whenever a stranger complimented me on something about my writing, I copied it into a file I called Comments. Now whenever I get depressed, I read that file to relive a Sally Fields moment. I recommend it over Harlan Ellison’s practice of wallpapering his bathroom with all his rejection slips, so he could remember who to hate.

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    1. When you get a personalized reject for a magazine that says there’s nothing wrong with the story, but it’s not right for them, and then see the magazine say that they would publish more of the genre that your story belongs to if they got more — brace yourself and forge onward. They didn’t have long to reflect on why they rejected yours and how to express it.

      sigh

      There’s a reason why I easily filled up several collections when I started self-pub.

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  16. I’ve had a similar problem communicating in a shop environment. I made molds. I went to the owner and said this design looks good in a three view but it’s not strong enough. It’ll break when you shoot it.

    “You are a moldmaker, not an engineer. He went to college and spent years to know this stuff. Make it exactly as drawn.” I pleasantly said Okay. I mean… I get paid the same.

    Day they put it in the trial press I walked to the far end of the shop, behind a block wall inside a steel toilet stall and waited.

    >BLAAAM<

    Went back and it blew a 20 pound chunk of steel right between two guys at head level. It embedded itself in a concrete block wall.

    Boss looked at me with the oddest expression. “You told me this’d happen didn’t you?”

    Yes, but I didn’t raise my voice and scowl and curse. You don’t pay any attention. If I said the place is on fire and left, you’d say uh-huh and ignore me. I just can’t be bothered to yell. I don’t care that much.

    He just nodded.

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  18. I’m not the impasta. Just the old gent too stubborn and necessary to get rid of yet. One day, processes will expand and iterate to such a level that my experience and competence will be superseded by automation, AI, younger workers, more workers, better software, downsizing, upsizing, streamlining, remote work, imported workers, no workers, right sizing, merging, new magic, new management, new programs and machines, faster processors, new laws, phase-out, phase-in, government contracts…

    Anyway. It’ll happen. Any day now. Just you watch.

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  19. Leaving college, it was demanded of me several times to complete tasks that my supervisors assumed I knew how to perform, but in which I had zero experience or training. I learned how to improvise and learn fast.

    Later in my career, in the space of a few short months I went from feeling great about having a relatively high profile and making a difference in my profession to a closed-door meeting where I was told “they decided not to fire you, but…” Seems I had spoken a bit too truthfully in front of a large audience at an international meeting.

    My job became hell for several years, almost killed me, and after finally walking away it took me a year to get my head on straight again.

    But now it’s good to be fully on my feet and happier than I’ve been in a long time working for well-paying clients that appreciate me.

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  20. Mind you, I really would laugh all the way to the bank if I could figure out how to sell 1,000 books per month… at the same average royalties as I’m making on [many fewer than that]…

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  21. “I have no idea for whom I’m writing this…”

    You wrote it for me. ~:D The cheerful imposter who wrote a book when everybody said it was stupid and he should be doing other things. My mom got to read it while she was still ~ mentally with the program enough to understand it. I’m pretty happy about that, honestly. She forgot it again, obviously, but at least she got to see it, and know my characters a little bit.

    My characters are pleased about that.

    I’m a Real Writer, and I have my official According To Hoyt Real Writer(TM) Certificate.

    Hellz yeah.

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        1. I know. My uncle had some variety of dementia. He mostly sounded rational and lucid, but he’d ask a question, I’d answer it, and he’d ask the same question again 5 minutes later.

          Getting upset about it wouldn’t do any good so I just got used to answering the same questions half a dozen times. Fortunately, due to the nature of the condition, it didn’t bother him at all.

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          1. Watching an acquaintance go through this now. Worse, watching my mom deal with the lady. The really sad part is the lady has no family locally, and no children. Does have siblings. Mom finally called the sister to let her know what is going on. The lady made it to Vancouver Canada on the train. She is supposed to be there a few weeks. We’ll see what happens.

            We have no rights to step in and do a thing. Her significant other has no rights. Someone really needs to step in and protect her financially. It has to be family. I can see where someone elderly without family ends up on the streets, even without being on drugs. We can tell her that those mailings are fraud, maybe not full on fraud, but sending money just invites more requests. We can’t stop her from sending money that she does not have to send.

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              1. Part of the problem with mom’s friend, is she isn’t aware this is a problem. Everyone around her is. No one here can do a thing.

                Watched something similar with friends. We hadn’t been seeing them as much. Used to twice or more a month, whether we wanted to or not, because everyone involved in scouting. We backed away from scouting, because our son went away to college. So, we were starting to see them for more socially, like Super Bowl, 4th, etc. Usually working around his schedule because he is not only still involved with scouting, but worked (he “might” be retired now, as he is 75, still involved in scouting). So, when we noticed her changes, we were: Wait? What? OTOH same timing he started putting it together. It was early onset and fast. For a lot of reasons, she ended up with her daughter. We haven’t talked to him now in ages. Door is open.

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                1. Read a wise article about how to deal with your parent with dementia. The first piece of advice was to get a power of attorney while the parent still has it together because it’s quicker and cheaper than getting a guardianship after the dementia has already set in.

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                  1. Confirmed 100%. We had to do that for my mom after she lost most connection with reality. She was answering all the questions perfectly in court and she looked like a sweet old lady, then my brother’s lawyer asked the judge to ask her where her husband was. (Our dad had died 10 years before.) She brightly explained that he was living in the basement behind the secret door behind the wardrobe and that he came out every so often to say hi. My brother was appointed her conservator immediately. It was the end of an 18-month struggle that ripped the family apart.

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          2. Oof. My mom has a short-term to long-term memory issue as a result of Covid (seriously, started with a confirmed infection and hasn’t gotten appreciably worse), but thankfully doesn’t have any other dementia decline. And yes, it bothers her, which is also a good sign. It does mean we have to mention the same answer repeatedly, but it eventually sinks in.

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  22. “The problem of course was that it was me chasing me into a hole.”

    Now here I must disagree. You were reacting to the certain knowledge that if anybody in publishing found out what you really thought, you’d be OUT in a second. KaPow.

    That’s some stress right there. I know whereof you speak. I have been there, and I have the t-shirt.

    Question, how many people who broke in back in the 1990s are still getting published Dead Tree? Pretty much none, that’s how many. Of all the ones I used to love maybe there are three or four left still published. Too big to kill, basically.

    It’s not paranoia when they really are out to get you, and your friends are falling left and right.

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  23. I’ll give another, rather sad reason to go out there and be the best imposter you can be.

    My mother’s lore was that she had artistic talent and wanted to go to art school. But this was rural North Carolina in the late 1930s, and the family was about as poor as they could be, to the point every child was expected to go out and get a job to support their parents. And Uncle Rich (yes, I gather he really was named Richard and he really was relatively well off), announced he would give her the money to go to business college and learn something useful, but he certainly wasn’t going to fund something as impractical as art.

    So Mom went to business college, and learned her secretarial skills just in time to get a Civil Service job with the War Department, where she worked for about a decade. Yes, I’m a second-generation bureaucrat.

    After the war she met and married my dad and eventually left her job to become a full-time mom. Eventually, after the miscarriages, me, the stillbirths and my brother’s extremely premature birth, she was able to do that (I would have at least three more siblings if all the pregnancies had been successful).

    It took me decades to wonder…why, in all that time, I never saw any of her work. And more time to wonder why she never even thought of taking an adult ed classes to re-learn her skills. At first, I’m sure it was mostly lack of money and the fact we were a one-car family for many years. But she never did, even after they retired and Dad’s pension plus stock kicked in.

    I imagine part of it was the skills and interest had atrophied, though sketchpads and pencils are usually cheap. But I have the horrid feeling she had become convinced her work wasn’t worth pursuing. And I know she had the absolute conviction that if she went out, everyone was watching her, waiting for her to do something wrong so they could talk about her behind her back. I wonder how many times she caught “friends,” doing that to develop the conviction. But it ensured she wasn’t going to risk it by walking into a room full of strangers and letting them see her work.

    My brother could draw and, in fact, majored in art and education. I can draw, though it’s not something I do well or often; my strength has always been in words. But whatever talent Mom had never came to fruition, at least partly because she bought the idea she wasn’t “good enough,” to keep going, even if it was only for her own entertainment. I probably need to learn the lesson too: do it. Even if you never succeed, do it. For yourself, if nobody else. And who knows? You are probably not the best judge of what you can do..

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  25. I know I have problems with imposter syndrome, especially with my writing (oh, God yes).

    But jobs? …well, there’s a story behind this.

    For nearly twenty years, I worked a somewhat meh job that I was able to at least pay my bills, rent, and live with the Crazy Roommate (which was better than having to move back home with my family…until the apartment got sold and we had to move out. Place rents for nearly six times as much as we had it for). Occasionally afford a hobby or two.

    …and the only good thing about the job was I mostly wasn’t in the office. Where I would have to be around various supervisors who wanted me to do my job at a run and if I stopped to try and think I was slacking. And my performance reviews reflected this attitude, along with the whole Stockholm Syndrome of people who did the office work getting out for anything else as fast as they could.

    (Oh and one of my supervisors was Pinoy Mafia who brought in two of his cousins and kept trying to get me fired. And might have been moving or selling meth on the side.)

    Eventually, the company bought out one of our competitors and our old boss retired. The boss from the competitor took over the office and lasted exactly three months before he literally left work one day, packed a bag at his apartment, and flew back to Brazil.

    We had the old boss come back for about a month before the new boss came in.

    Best boss I ever had. Old-school, took-no-shit, would absolutely say the Emperor was naked New York boy who made the office work again.

    One performance review, I kept fighting for points because the company had a 1-5 scoring system and you could maybe get a 4% raise if you got a perfect score. And I knew I wasn’t going to get it, but it was tradition.

    “Why are you fighting this so much?” my boss asked.

    “I just want to get the highest score possible,” I replied. “The higher my score, the harder it is for them to fire me.”

    He paused for a moment, then said, “Okay…look. I have to do a writeup to even give someone a five score in anything. And I have to justify it at the company meeting, every single time. And HR made it clear that no more than 5% of the office can get a perfect score. Which I have to justify, in writing, but never mentioning that there’s an upper limit to how many people can get a perfect score. You’re fine here, but I would try and get out if you can find anything else.”

    He did help me to get promoted to supervisor when my last supervisor went to work for our competition and I was a supervisor until the Crow Flu and my formal layoff that year. I remembered his words and was sad to see him go-him and his wife finally retired and moved up to Southern Oregon or somewhere. Hope they’re happy.

    (My new and last boss at the company was Pinoy Mafia and she was determined to get as many family members hired as possible. Good riddance.)

    Still have the issues. Monkey brain-especially autistic monkey brain-has issues with a world where bullshit is the common denominator in most human activities.

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    1. The whole “no more than 5%”, of the department “can have a perfect score”? Never heard that. Not once. Only every year. Which was frustrating. Because the people getting the top score were the savants working on the core company product. Never mind that what I worked on was used to pull product and earned 3x my salary and benefits. Really couldn’t complain. Salary not great for region (Seattle or Portland), but excellent for local area (Eugene/Salem).

      Same reason why when the riff due to the stave off bankruptcy hit the core departments (i.e. engineering) requiring 10% cut every department, no exceptions, there were exactly 2 of us who could go. Not core hardware engineers, or on family leave (“too hard”). Two of the “on family leave”, tried to get substituted to be riffed in my place, for their own reasons. One was quitting anyway (just made the department look better). The other wanted to start own business for specialty.

      Oh, well. If I’d held on to the bitter end, I probably wouldn’t have been desperate enough to apply to the job (PO Box, no company name) I did get, or accept it (entry level salary. Not only 33% of what I had been making, but less than first post computer degree salary 14 years prior. It took me another 12 years to work up to that prior salary. Here’s the thing about the jobs I didn’t get, or could have jumped for in the years after. Either salary and benefits were no better and usually, but not always, worse environment (there are clues), or the companies were gone in two years.

      Even now, the local economy for software development isn’t any better. Not that at almost 70, I’m paying that close attention. Overall options may be slightly better, given options to work from home office. Despite the whole “back to the office” boot companies are pulling (know of at least one small company who is not pulling that).

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  26. I remember in my early 30’s being very unhappy. I really kinda liked the myself that I saw in the mirror every morning but everything around me kept telling me that I wasn’t meeting expectations. Relationships, Religion/church, society on financial success (even though I was paying bills and had been for more than a decade and owned my own home with the bank at the time. Was supporting my mom, sister and brother to some degree. They did not contribute to negative perception. Great family.)

    One day I just stopped. I was in a bad/destructive relationship and just over all wanted to get in car and drive away from my life. I looked at it objectively and just decided it was ok. I liked who I was and all those that kept making me feel bad about myself could in a polite sorta way “go fuck themselves”.

    I accepted that I probably wasn’t going to ever be a millionaire as I did not have the drive to work 100+ hours a week at a high stress job, and that that was ok. I was paying my bills, paying down my house, putting a little money at that time away.

    I accepted that I wasn’t relationship wise compatible with the majority of women out there (none of us are) and that loving someone wasn’t enough. You have to have all the foundational structure of communications, honesty, compatible world views or at least acceptance of theirs and they of yours, selflessness and acceptance of who the other persons is to make any meaningful relationship work. Even given all that you have to accept that it is going to be a lot of hard work, and acceptance that a good, even great relationship doesn’t look like the fairy tale modern relationship the world pushes.

    I stopped going to church. This isn’t to say that I went to evil churches. On the contrary some of the best people ever and for some people I still recommend going to church and being a part of that world as it gives them structure and help the need. So much of religion is fundamentally control and making you judge yourself and your behaviors in a negative light to a standard that is impossible. Do I believe in a creator? Why yes, yes I do. Do I believe that that creator is described by any of the organized religions? Why, no I don’t! I have heard for most of my lifetime that we were created in gods image. I think a more accurate statement to reflect reality is we have created god in our images. Maybe there is some truth in organized religion but It’s hard to tell when you see so much of it doesn’t seem to be about your relationship with that creator but about your relationship with the organization and it’s ability to judge you and mold you into a generic version of a member.

    I also accepted that I am a mixture of good and bad. I work to minimize the bad and enhance the good but reality is that there is darkness in all of us, and it’s ok. What’s not ok is acting on that darkness to harm others. Having the thought though is normal. If you judge yourself on the thought then you will never be acceptable as it is a standard that is unattainable. Really most of that darkness isn’t even that dark. It could more accurately be judged as non conformity to social mores and customs. If you do judge yourself by that standard it will take you some very dark places because you can never meet the standard and then have to judge yourself a failure or evil. That road leads to brokenness and despair.

    To mix and match some platitudes, do no harm and moderation in all things, accept all of yourself and work to move yourself in a direction of improvement without focusing on the negatives in yourself to the exclusion of all else.

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  28. Mentorship helps. Once you’re helping the next crop of widget fiddlers find their footing, it’s easier to believe you’re at least a half-decent widget fiddler.

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    1. scrapie: will totally wipe out humankind

      well water contaminated with hog cholera may kill every human in NYC by 2028

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  30. I know darn well that I’m good at my job (I am, in fact, the only at my employer who actually knows how to do it), and that I have skills to other things as well.

    My problem is as soon as I start thinking that I know what I’m doing, I mess something up.

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  31. Speaking of imposters…. not even my black pill can last through telling THIS one “BYEEE!”

    https://twitchy.com/samj/2026/05/15/cohen-drops-out-n2428237

    In a major blow to House Democrats already reeling from tough midterm math, longtime Rep. Steve Cohen is bailing on his reelection bid in Tennessee after two decades of clinging to a Memphis-area seat that existed only because of the racially gerrymandered lines courts have finally forced out of existence.

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      1. CRT DIE officials like Obama are effectively white supremacists.

        White supremacists are a minority in America.

        Minority majority districts are purposefully intended to elect white supremacists. That is why normal politics was carefully manipulated in a measured way within those areas.

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  32. Be yoruself.

    If you have to impersonate someone, choose Batman. (grin)

    ….

    (Although I have been known to channel Wolverine, when need arises: “I’m the best there is at what I do. But what I do isn’t very nice”)

    ..

    Be -Batman-

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  33. As a young programmer I always felt a bit of a fraud. Programmers tend to be immensely tied up in their work to the point that what they do for entertainment is program. I was happy to do my work and even work extra hours, but when I left I wanted to be done with work and do something else, read, play games, see a movie. Happy to use a computer, but not interested in it other than as a tool. Ultimately, I did fine. I had a 40 year career where I got to do a bunch of things, and avoided being morphed into a manger or bean counting cost manager.

    As for publication, yeah it looked HARD in the late 70’s up through early 2000’s. The publication houses controlled it and breaking into the few remaining magazines was HARD. Had a friend who wrote; short stories, had several chapters for novella/novel length pieces. I as one of the few Sci Fi nerds and a confidant at the school got to read lots of it. She was influenced by Andre Norton, Anne McCaffrey, and Marion Zimmer Bradley. She also had a fondness for Bradbury, Heinlein Juveniles (particularly Star Beast) and Niven (Niven and Heinlein were my fault :-) ). Some of her stuff was derivative, but it got less so as we went through High School. She went to a lesser Ivy for Letters and Library Science. She was submitting stuff, but no luck even with fanzines and semi pro zines. Her stuff didn’t fit the 80’s zeitgeist for a female author (she tended to soft Scifi with action, think late Witchworld rather than pure Fantasy or romance based stuff). Lost track of her when I went to college (she was a year ahead of me). To the best of my knowledge, she was never published, and as far as I could tell it rivaled or exceeded lots of stuff I saw in the 80’s, and I have VERY voracious and eclectic tastes in Scifi. Certainly her stuff would kick the crap out “If You Were a Dinosaur my Love and 2000’s/2010 stuff (though that may be damning with faint praise). I’m pretty certain I’d know her style even if she wrote under a pseudonym, although likely 40 years of life would have changed her style. I wander Kindle looking to see new authors, she’d be 65 and likely retired but so far no luck.

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