Out Of Sorts

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

Having caught the illness some of my younger fans are calling “And then the elephant sat on you,” I’m glad to report that I’m feeling better. Like, markedly better enough I actually gave some thought to going to church, until a coughing fit doubled me in two and stopped the nonsense.

But except for the lingering cough and some residual “tired” I’m much better.

Which doesn’t explain this weird combination of tiredness and boredom.

Except perhaps it is tiredness: from being ill. And boredom: because we’ve both been ill and more of less penned inside the house for two weeks straight.

When my husband says he has to go to the pharmacy, but has no intention of getting out, just going through the drive-in and I say “wait for me” because it would be good to confirm the world still exists, things aren’t precisely normal.

Thing is normally boredom doesn’t affect me. Yes, I am extremely ADD and so boredom is a fact of life, but normally, in the Portuguese expression “I can set off the fireworks, enjoy the show, and run for the dropped canes.” (The last was something boys in the village did. I didn’t even realize how unsafe that was to my forties.)

By which I mean when I’m bored I can normally create fiction and amuse myself. Or of course read someone else. I have been reading someone else a lot, but it’s somehow not enough. And as for creating any own amusement….

Part of it is that I’m tired. I write two pages, and I feel like I’m all done. These blogs are testing the limit of my endurance, and they ain’t that long.

But worse yet, when it comes to fiction, or even to serious topics here, is that I feel I have …. werewolf problems.

Okay, I’m not sure how to explain this, and I once described it to my older son and alarmed him so thoroughly he was sure I was having a stroke. I’m sure that’s not it, because it’s a normal symptom for me when getting better from upper respiratory issues.

No, I don’t think I’m becoming a werewolf. It’s more that nothing feels right. My teeth feel too long, my skin feels itchy. My clothes fit me funny.

This is annoying enough, but the problem is I feel I can’t evaluate literally anything.

Which gives me problems with simple things, like, cooking dinner. “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know what do you want?” “We’re only one person, you don’t get to ask me that.” Or with reading books “Is this mystery making no sense, or am I ill and not able to track?”

And it’s much, much worse when evaluating our current political moment, say, or my own writing. “Did I get that idea across? Do I sound like I’m speaking from a parallel universe?”

This is far worse for fiction, because I can’t tell if I’m hitting the notes I’m aiming for.

So, what is this other than an extended whine?

Well, it is an extended whine. I mean, nothing like a fine whine when one is out of sorts.

On the other hand, it’s also a lesson for the rest of you, sort of a “we’re all humans.” As I knew that some of you are having issues with their own black dogs.

But more importantly and quite beyond all that, it’s sort of trying to remind myself that just because it’s been two weeks it doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to write again.

It’s just a tantrum by the body. Which unfortunately affects the mind. This too shall pass. (I hope.)

98 thoughts on “Out Of Sorts”

  1. The Otherness that isn’t me, that feeling of off-center and outside doesn’t make sense any more than inside does? Got that. Must be catching. Too cold inside, the fuzzmonsters are catterizing the made of warm: me, the computer box, and the fire grate.

    Low single digits means even Neighborcat is inside. Brought me a mouse from somewhere, quite dead, and decided that the trash can was good enough for now- no need to open the frozen gate to Hades to toss it in the kill ditch today.

    Othercat on the other hand is having a grand olde time. His hugeness the floofiness has been making kitteh paw trails all over the ice, over the truck, the roof, and back inside to snuggle a bit before doing it all over again. He fears nothing, but sniffs all, sings the song of his people to his lady love across the way (can she even hear him from here?), and creates his own warmness as he pleases, demanding brushes at random hours.

    Doofus, second floofy and his orangeness the strange has decided he needs to be carried. Everywhere. No touching the floor, just the hooman. Standing on shoulders, snuggling whenever I sit, He disapproves of winter in general terms. Especially the wetness. Zero stars. Would not recommend. Only insides and never outsides for him!

    Nastycat has catterized the computer box. With his pink dino and the kitteh-sized blanket cave in the box, he’s watching the cold outside. His eternal foe and sparring partners, the sticks in the yard, are in hiding. Sneaksy like snek, nevah to be seen! This means treachery of some sort, he just knows it. Thus, the watchful sentinel remains vigilant. In his blanket cave of warmness.

    Beyond the frozen gate to Hades, Speck remains quiet and sleepy for the most part. Smoke puffs out of chimneys in white fluffy clouds, marking the ones what have fireplaces to keep General Winter at bay. Plows scrape the roads on the regular, keeping the black ice nice and clean. The sun rises to paint the pale canvas of the town in golden yellow, it’s distant fusion reactor remote and uncaring.

    Despite that, life trundles on like a cow on a mission. Animals need feed, whether you’re sick, frozen, or stupid. Kidlets need raising whether you’re grown in the head or not. Jobs need doing, whatever the calendar, clock, or silly con-men on tv say. So on with our day we go, whether focused like Neighborcat on his prey or carefree like Othercat with his bouncy, caterwauling way. Be like teh kittek clan: worry naught about the tomfoolery Out There. Watch it, prepare for it, but go on your day without letting it consume you, like Neighborcat consumes the guts of birbs and moles. Bask in the warmth of good friends and family, like Othercat sunning his belly by the window with Nastycat snuggled beside. And once you’ve got a good thing, never let it go like Doofus and his warm spot.

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    1. One of the best things Pop reminded me, from time to time:

      “Remember son, things are going to get much worse.”

      (Brightly) Thanks Pop!

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      1. Or the comment that I used in my first novel – “So they said, ‘Cheer up, things could be worse!’ ‘So I cheered up, and sure enough, they got worse!'”

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        2. Princess Leia, in the garbage compartment: “Things could be worse!”

          (Awful groaning sound).

          Han Solo: “It’s worse.”

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  5. I can understand that feeling too well, sometimes nothing feels quite right. Hope you get to feeling more like yourself soon and free of the crud (which I’ve had some version of since November, or at least, it seems that way).

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  7. The Reader happened to rewatch High Anxiety last night. Made for interesting sleep afterwards.

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  8. I get the, “You’re wasting your life doing (x)! You should be doing (y)!” fits. Note that if I do y, the voice then scolds, “You shouldn’t be doing y! You’re wasting your time!” Doesn’t matter what it is, it’s the wrong thing. And oh, yes, everything is my fault.

    Maybe it’s the full moon? It was full last night.

    And Phil saw his shadow, so six more weeks of winter.

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    1. I don’t want to review the superstition, but the best that I can tell, if Phil doesn’t see his shadow, it’s 42 days worth of winter. :)

      (Except here, where the seasons are Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Fire*. Phil would just cringe.)

      (*) Construction for the people less likely to get a wildland fire.

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      1. According to research we did for the children’s message, today is Lady Day, and farmers noted that the weather usually shifts after today. So if it’s a lovely mild day, the coming weather is apt to be nasty, and vice versa.

        People pay close attention to weather when their lives depend on it.

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      2. Another 6 weeks of winter?

        We haven’t had winter, yet. A beautiful spring like day. Sunny, blue skies, not a cloud to be seen. Hasn’t hit 60 F, yet, but close and trending that way.

        All this means is either a very, very, wet, and long spring, because delayed winter. Or, a dry hot May and summer. Latter is very not good. Former good, but could also be bad. Wet through June means the fuels grow, then when they dry out, a spark means a ladder has been provided.

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        1. We’re getting the winter temps overnight, but with the current high in place, daytime temps are in the mid 50s. With soil conditions (frozen pumice/clay, possibly with hardpan shale near the surface), warm afternoons mean a lot of mud. The tractor is not going into the deep pumice meadows.

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          1. Oh, I’m pretty sure it will go IN just fine….. it’s the going out that may not be happening….

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            1. I know where the bad spots are; found a soft spot once in one of the higher meadows and got out before I bogged down. This winter, if it’s not road, the tractor isn’t going there. A pity; I have a bunch of slash that needs to go to burn piles, but it’s only safe to drive there if the ground is frozen solid. I hope to get the bad one cleared before fire season.

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            2. “If you can get it back out of the water, it is amphibious.”

              Of course, sometimes that works better as:

              “If you can get the water back out of it, it is amphibious.”

              ..

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      3. If Candlemas Day be clear and bright, winter shall have another flight.
        If Candlemas be dark and cloudy with rain, winter is gone and shall not come again.

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      4. Here in the intermountain west, we have had no winter. If the rest of the country could share that would be great. As it is we’re going to bone dry by June and in hell by August.

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        1. Near as I can tell, the Yellowstone companies that rely on snow, snowmobile rentals and permits (snow coaches can switch to the regular summer buses), etc., are having a bad year. OTOH driving the upper road, between Mammoth (i.e. Gardiner) and the northeast entrance (Cooke City) is a lot easier than normal. Snowfall is way below yearly standard. Not good.

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      1. Am I wrong in thinking that Groundhog Day is 6 weeks before the vernal equinox, which means you get “6 more weeks of winter” regardless of what the weather does?

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    3. Actually, it is not quite 7 weeks to the Spring Equinox (March 20 this year) so we’d have at least 6 more weeks of winter no matter what Phil saw.

      ;-)

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  9. I’m just kinda wild at the moment, but it might be allergies and not any sort of actual ill.

    My goals, and choices, and results feel a little sus.

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  11. Do feel better. I have a lingering cough myself.

    on the happy side, we’re now closer to the Spring equinox than to the Winter solstice so there’s that,

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  12. I have been battling various illnesses, so I understand the feeling. It’s a good sign for me when I start being bored of being sick. I just reorganized multiple drawers in the kitchen, which indicates that I’m getting better.

    For the ennui–are you on a new medication? And are you prone to seasonal depression? It took me a long time to realize that I am prone to depression in the winter months. A light for the winter blahs makes a big difference: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01HOBZ066/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_5?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&th=1

    It could also be a metaphysical, temporary mood. Like a boat at slack tide, you’re waiting for the next impetus. Maybe we’re at a point where many things change, and you’re feeling that.

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    1. The seasonal depression is real. I’ve probably always had it to some degree, but it wasn’t until I moved away from the high mountain desert, with its 300 sunny days per year, that it started to really get me. I don’t remember it being so bad last year, but this year it’s hitting me harder than last. I feel like a zombie right now, and that’s even WITH one of those light-therapy lamps on all day. This is always the worst time of year for it.

      Anyway, re: the body affecting the mind…of course it does. It *is* your body. Well, one part of it…

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  13. Too cold at day job. Too cold.

    Customers: “How do you stand it?”

    Me: “I need to pay the rent.”

    …Obviously must write faster. I’m trying not to catch anything, but I have a low-grade something that is trying to be Sore Throat etc. and definitely making the blehs worse.

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    1. Simmered in a nice sauce with potatoes and other veggies, after boiling and then draining off excess fat. Cook down, spice to taste, savor on cold, blustery day. Revenge tastes like a really good game ragout.

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  15. Sounds like an excellent opportunity to sleep.

    Or if sleep is impossible, (were it I) videogames you don’t have to think about until sleep is possible. (If you’re into that kind of thing. If not, it probably wouldn’t help.)

    I’m mostly working on being diligent about vitamins and probiotics.

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  16. To my mind, your political (and social) posts make eminent sense, more so than those of most people who get paid for that kind of commentary. You’re hitting the right notes with me, anyway.

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  17. Sarah, of course you sound like you’re speaking from a parallel universe. This is a parallel universe. (At least that’s the hypothesis that makes the most sense. Figuring out what the normal, baseline universe is like is the tricky part.)

    Anyway, help control the pet population: have your black dog spayed or neutered. That goes double for inaccurate groundhogs.

    Republica restituendae.

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        1. Start at the North Pole. Travel “straight” to the Equator via London. Now go 90 degrees to the west (or east, if you prefer). Travel “straight” to the North Pole.

          You have traveled a triangle. Every angle, however, was 90 degrees. A 270 degree triangle. You live on a non-Euclidean surface.

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  18. This is the most ridiculous of all possible parallel universes.

    Spock has a purple beard, an eyebrow ring, septum piercing, gauged ears, and is wearing a prom dress, ridiculous.

    No wonder you are arguing with yourself about what to have for dinner. Your brain can be expected to be confused about normal questions and not sure what what you mean by dinner.

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  19. It’s hard to get back in tune after age increases. What was a three day fever, with some congestion, turns into three weeks of feeling like hammered crap. Things just don’t seem to fit during that time, and there’s a bit of amazement when after three weeks, you can still cough up something that can be concerning.

    I have no suggestions, except I once took the advice of an old security guard that recommended eating some raw mustard green leaves. Pungent hardly describes the taste, but it drained my sinuses, and the congestion was soon gone. I had been suffering the creeping crud for over a month, and was desperate.

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      1. From what I’ve looked up, it wasn’t so much a game as a “powerpoint slide safety lecture” where you have to give all the “right” answers so the company stops bothering you and lets you get back to your actual job.

        Except usually even companies doen’t go so far as to have people show up and take you in “for counseling” if you get it wrong.

        Sun Tzu would say you always leave an enemy a line of retreat so he doesn’t decide to fight to the last man. This… left no line of retreat.

        And as said savvy war scholar could have predicted, many people said, “Heck with this. If we’re going down for being normal people, let’s go all the way!”

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    3. “Your government has abdicated its responsibilities, relinquished your laws and abandoned your people to the depredations of the savages they released among you. Now, in a grotesque perversion of their duties, they protect the savages from you rather than you from them.”

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  21. Well, we have had a full moon for the past few days. If you have were tendencies, then it’s normal to feel them more. Not sure how the doctor diagnoses whether you’re a werewolf, werefox, or werekitty.

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  23. “No, I don’t think I’m becoming a werewolf. It’s more that nothing feels right. My teeth feel too long, my skin feels itchy. My clothes fit me funny.”

    I wouldn’t worry about that too much, unless you start scratching behind your ears with your hind foot.

    Hope you feel better soon!

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  24. Relieved to read this post … I was a bit worried, not seeing any posts from you overnight at Insty…

    Wee Jamie had his first day at his new school today – he had a fine, exhausting time, the teacher and staff seemed to be quite pleased with making his charming acquaintance. He had his last day at his previous preschool on Thursday, so we were just happy that the new school system could take him on immediately.

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  25. “Did I get that idea across? Do I sound like I’m speaking from a parallel universe?”

    So that resulted in the image of multiple parallel universe Sarahs all expounding simultaneously, and the one poor dude who can hear at least the more local ones, where she’s actually saying pretty much the same thing, shouting “It’s not the volume, or the accent, it’s the damn echo! I can hardly tell what she’s saying at all!!”

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  27. This one hasn’t hit me yet, but I am coming up on the end of the space regency, and the major fall cruds all hit me in November around the time I finished revising HHK3, so maybe this one is lying in wait as well.

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  29. This is Draco Malfoy’s year.

    His Chinese name, Ma-er-fu, contains the characters for “horse” (ma) and “good fortune” (fu).

    So people are putting up pictures of Draco for Chinese New Year’s.

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    3. CHina needs all the help they can get. They’re bailing out their life insurance companies now since they’re all skint after forced investments in the banks, which had forced investments in property, etc. etc., Oh, and the silver market broke with some guy named “the hat” absconding with $150MM US in customer money. SIlver had been vertical up for wto weeks and it’s now vertical down giving most of the rise back. There’s the traditional scenes of police arresting protesting people who had just lust their life savings in a hugely speculative Ponzi scheme they saw o. The internet because all other investments are worse and there’s no social safety net. Sigh.

      I need a new obsession, it’s all so sad.

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    1. Almost as if they would prefer folks leave after age 65-70. That would tent to cut down on some rather expensive payouts. And if they add a hefty exit fee….

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  34. I was “unwell” the entire first half of last year. Had no idea anything was wrong until I nearly blacked out on the freeway in April. Four new meds and one ablation later I’m feeling muuuuch better now, but my writing judgment was completely incompetent most of last year. Productivity has definitely suffered.

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  35. May I gently suggest after the first shock passes off, mourning can feel like a prolonged low-key virus. Just saying….

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