TWO CATS COFFEE
The True Tale of King Harv’s Most Ferocious Coffee by King Harv Coffees
The coffee was brewing. Not fast enough for me, but it was brewing nonetheless. Here in the wilds of North Central Florida, coffee is just as required as an airboat and a shotgun. Probably more so. So many dangerous animals. So many creatures of the dark. Gators of course. Lots of gators. But also huge Snapping Turtles. Black Bears. Amoebas. Beer cans. Only one struck fear into me though. Well, maybe two things. Specifically – Two Cats!
I was brought up fearing them. My Dad always told me if faced with the choice of facing the Two Cats or swimming through a shark infested beach, to just “shut up and get in the water kid”. The nightmares were predictably bad. I grew up with many issues.
On my 60th birthday, and having successfully navigated sixth grade with honors, I began thinking for myself. Why are these Two Cats so feared? How come they look like cute little kittens? Could they be reasoned with? Fear seems to have prevented anyone from even trying. Well, after my brilliant idea for an edible donut yo-yo business was laughed out of town, I had a lot of time to fill. And a lot of donuts to eat. And someone’s got to do something about the Two Cats. It seems I had a purpose in life after all.
My investigation moved along far quicker than expected. First, I was able to locate where they made their home. Coincidentally it was at the house of my son Zach and his wife Terri, where they masked their true ferocious nature. But every morning, for a few hours at least, these monsters were let out to wreak havoc on any living or non-living thing in their path. Rusted out cars surrounded their home. The fish in the pond were long gone, as were the frogs and the mangroves. The big sandhill cranes had abandoned town weeks ago, and no children had been seen in the neighborhood for years. Even the gators left in disgust.
After modifying a professional shark cage for land use, I staked out a location in the bushes a few hundred yards from the house. Bottled water – Check. MRE’s – Check. Habanero Doritos – dang, they don’t make them anymore! Wise potato chips would have to do. I settled in to wait and to watch.
At about 6:30 am, through my eyepiece I saw the two little fuzz balls exit the house via a secret tunnel behind the couch. They looked incredibly unhappy! Hissing, hair standing on end, eyes searching for anything to tear apart. I gripped the shark cage for reassurance. I was not reassured. Day after day I saw the same pattern. The risks were high, but I was patient. Why in the world were they starting their day so upset? That’s when the trash can blew over.
My son’s trash blew everywhere. Empty cheese ball cans, broken bottles of grapefruit beer, a beginners to guide to car warranties, and a lot of Drakes Cakes wrappers. The kind of trash all of us produce on a daily basis. Except for one thing. It stood out like Wolverine at a Carvel ice cream store. A can of Folgers coffee. A can of stinking Folgers coffee. Good gracious! How could they? Of COURSE these cats were pissed.
The back of my hand greeted Zach that morning. “What’s that for, pop?” he said, bewildered in the extreme. “You’ve been giving these little angels Folgers coffee for breakfast! What were you thinking! You know they prefer low acidity coffees, with luscious, tropical taste notes of kumquat and vanilla!”
Zach looked chagrined. He really loved these little cats, despite their reputation. He and Terri did all they could for them. And yet… “Gosh Dad, you’re so right!” Zach was a dang good son, and knew to admit when he made a mistake. “How do we fix this?”
We both headed off to King Harv’s Imperial Coffees Experimental Roasting Facility, deep under the mountains of Apopka Florida. There we toiled day and night, roasting, blending, testing, rejecting, over and over again, until on the 6th night, we hit it. THIS IS IT.
The next morning, little Yuri and Valentina, as I learned they were called, lapped up a bowl of their new Two Cats Blend coffee. Well, actually they just sniffed and played with it. (Editors Note: Never let cats drink coffee. It is dangerous to them.)
The Two Cats then proceeded outside, as they did every morning. But they were not upset. They were not hissing. They were not destroying. At that moment Carl the mailman stepped on the porch to deliver a package. He turned white with fear, but there was no need. The Two Cats brushed up against Carl’s artificial leg with affection. A leg that previously was not artificial. A friendship began. Children played on the streets again. Even the gators returned!
Well, King Harv’s Imperial Coffees continues to roast Two Cats Coffee to this very day. Two Cats Coffee is considered by the Apopka FL Rare Coffee Roasters Association to be one of the best low acidity coffees in the world. When asked to comment, David, chief spokesman for King Harv’s said “I’m not surprised they said that. Not surprised at all.” You too can order Two Cats Coffee, and many many other rare and exotic coffees, online at www.kingharv.com Oh, and the shipping is still free anywhere in the USA. Even though USPS raised the rates on us again.
According To Hoyt 
Sadly they are not in the household budget.
Aw. The murderfloofs are named for cosmonauts!
And I haven’t even gotten around to trying the planetary stuff!
And no, I am NOT awaiting/demanding a Minotaur blend.
(But if they want to, I can at least say enough so it’s not wrong, should they ask.)
[Fwiw, I like dark roasts, and tend to take my coffee black. Hot or iced. And I do French Press when I have/make the time. But, monster that I am, will do Keurig when in a hurry.]
Keurig??????? I’m disappointed in Ox. No one who likes coffee should ever use a Keurig, no matter how desperate. My nephew is a hand surgeon; he only uses Keurig for his coffee. After the first visit I pack my french press and coffee when we visit.
I did say ‘monster’… And whatever else, every Keurig ‘pour’ is the first one (unless you re-use the K-cups..)
For whatever it’s worth I can absolutely recommend the Saturn. Good, lasting flavor and it had enough kick to get me through many shifts at the Realm of the Overlords. I do like the taste of Jupiter better but for some reason its caffeine levels just weren’t enough to get me functional on those days so it’s been relegated to lazy weekend coffee. Camel Spider tastes good and it’s definitely my get things done and survive work coffee! All coffees mentioned were taken black. 🙂
Another gem from YouTube comments:
“COVID19 — the first pandemic that requires an advertising campaign.”
I grew up in North Florida. Surprised Harv forgot the snakes and the giant palmetto bugs. But then, perhaps the Two Kittens ate ’em. (Grin)
Ugh, Palmetto bugs. Giant fricking cockroaches that fall from the trees. One of the reasons Florida is NOT on my list of move to places…
Don’t forget, they fly.
I’d forgotten that. Nuke them from orbit, or use kinetic energy kill weapons it’s our only hope. Strike that they’re giant cockroaches all that will do is create giant MUTANT cockroaches.
Get a royalty agreement for the referral.
They provide me with coffee and don’t ask for this…. 😀
Sounds like a fair exchange to me 🙂
That works. Barter could be in our future.
and bartering stories is HARD.
So if we encounter somebody skulking about in a trench coat and hear in an almost-Russian accent, “Pssst! Wanna trade for a story?”…
It’s me!
Wasn’t there a time when story tellers who told the history of their tribe considered revered elders?
Worse than hard – if you barter them to the wrong sorts of people you could wind up o John Durham’s target list. Whereas selling stories for cash enables you to do a cold drop, leaving the manuscript in the appointed drop and scatting with the boodle.
Although I would want to ponder the probable potential of a thumb drive with cryptocurrency for such transactions.
~
LOL! 😂 I love these King Harv’s writeups. Someday I’ll scrape together enough $ to buy some. Aha! Christmas is around the corner! It’s going on the list (below the Darkship books, which some of you here may have heard of). We’ll see what happens…
I’d get some for my husband (I don’t do coffee) but he drinks one brand and I can’t get him to try others.
Thanks– for the story. I decided to get some coffee. It’s one of those things that I need to survive and my only vice.
I’ll probably put some on my list to buy when money isn’t so tight, mid-year next year, probably.
Tru says “Coffee is too good for kitties . . . Ma! Stop taking me away from the coffee!”
What, like I need that kitty on caffeine? Silly cat. (She gets busted occasionally doing the paw dip. Milk, coconut milk, coffee, tea, tonic water . . . cat’s about as weird as the children.)
Yeah I had one cat long ago that would do the paw dip. I often drink my coffee with milk and sugar. Definitely a bit off putting knowing that the paw that dipped also strolls through the cat box. And yes as the editor said caffeine and its close relations (Theophylline, Theobromine) are bad news for kitties No coffee, chocolate or black tea for them. Most cats avoid it like the plague, but every once and a while you get an idiot cat that wants to give it a shot.
Springers will always make the attempt.
~
Considering how those two in particular are I’m glad that R and C have never shown any interest in my morning coffee! Other than C doing his usual “Pay attention to me!” underfoot routine…
Awww
I need to set aside and save some change to order coffee to try it.
I’m one of those Kurgo coffee users. …
I saw that on one of their monthly promotional e-mails and thought of both your family of fuzzies and mine! I almost ordered some but with Jupiter being tasty but sadly lacking in the brain fuel for a long day at the Realm of the Overlords department I opted for Camel Spider for my most recent order and it absolutely does the job on those days (and others when I just have to get (stuff) done)! My belated thanks to David for his journey to the camel spiders’ plantation for that one. This one is definitely on the to-try list, though, and I can think of worse things than settling in with a cup of that with R and C competing for lap time, especially on cool nights like these. H and L’s tortitude prevents them from being part of that scenario, sadly.