TWO CATS COFFEE
The True Tale of King Harv’s Most Ferocious Coffee by King Harv Coffees
The coffee was brewing. Not fast enough for me, but it was brewing nonetheless. Here in the wilds of North Central Florida, coffee is just as required as an airboat and a shotgun. Probably more so. So many dangerous animals. So many creatures of the dark. Gators of course. Lots of gators. But also huge Snapping Turtles. Black Bears. Amoebas. Beer cans. Only one struck fear into me though. Well, maybe two things. Specifically – Two Cats!
I was brought up fearing them. My Dad always told me if faced with the choice of facing the Two Cats or swimming through a shark infested beach, to just “shut up and get in the water kid”. The nightmares were predictably bad. I grew up with many issues.
On my 60th birthday, and having successfully navigated sixth grade with honors, I began thinking for myself. Why are these Two Cats so feared? How come they look like cute little kittens? Could they be reasoned with? Fear seems to have prevented anyone from even trying. Well, after my brilliant idea for an edible donut yo-yo business was laughed out of town, I had a lot of time to fill. And a lot of donuts to eat. And someone’s got to do something about the Two Cats. It seems I had a purpose in life after all.
My investigation moved along far quicker than expected. First, I was able to locate where they made their home. Coincidentally it was at the house of my son Zach and his wife Terri, where they masked their true ferocious nature. But every morning, for a few hours at least, these monsters were let out to wreak havoc on any living or non-living thing in their path. Rusted out cars surrounded their home. The fish in the pond were long gone, as were the frogs and the mangroves. The big sandhill cranes had abandoned town weeks ago, and no children had been seen in the neighborhood for years. Even the gators left in disgust.
After modifying a professional shark cage for land use, I staked out a location in the bushes a few hundred yards from the house. Bottled water – Check. MRE’s – Check. Habanero Doritos – dang, they don’t make them anymore! Wise potato chips would have to do. I settled in to wait and to watch.
At about 6:30 am, through my eyepiece I saw the two little fuzz balls exit the house via a secret tunnel behind the couch. They looked incredibly unhappy! Hissing, hair standing on end, eyes searching for anything to tear apart. I gripped the shark cage for reassurance. I was not reassured. Day after day I saw the same pattern. The risks were high, but I was patient. Why in the world were they starting their day so upset? That’s when the trash can blew over.
My son’s trash blew everywhere. Empty cheese ball cans, broken bottles of grapefruit beer, a beginners to guide to car warranties, and a lot of Drakes Cakes wrappers. The kind of trash all of us produce on a daily basis. Except for one thing. It stood out like Wolverine at a Carvel ice cream store. A can of Folgers coffee. A can of stinking Folgers coffee. Good gracious! How could they? Of COURSE these cats were pissed.
The back of my hand greeted Zach that morning. “What’s that for, pop?” he said, bewildered in the extreme. “You’ve been giving these little angels Folgers coffee for breakfast! What were you thinking! You know they prefer low acidity coffees, with luscious, tropical taste notes of kumquat and vanilla!”
Zach looked chagrined. He really loved these little cats, despite their reputation. He and Terri did all they could for them. And yet… “Gosh Dad, you’re so right!” Zach was a dang good son, and knew to admit when he made a mistake. “How do we fix this?”
We both headed off to King Harv’s Imperial Coffees Experimental Roasting Facility, deep under the mountains of Apopka Florida. There we toiled day and night, roasting, blending, testing, rejecting, over and over again, until on the 6th night, we hit it. THIS IS IT.
The next morning, little Yuri and Valentina, as I learned they were called, lapped up a bowl of their new Two Cats Blend coffee. Well, actually they just sniffed and played with it. (Editors Note: Never let cats drink coffee. It is dangerous to them.)
The Two Cats then proceeded outside, as they did every morning. But they were not upset. They were not hissing. They were not destroying. At that moment Carl the mailman stepped on the porch to deliver a package. He turned white with fear, but there was no need. The Two Cats brushed up against Carl’s artificial leg with affection. A leg that previously was not artificial. A friendship began. Children played on the streets again. Even the gators returned!
Well, King Harv’s Imperial Coffees continues to roast Two Cats Coffee to this very day. Two Cats Coffee is considered by the Apopka FL Rare Coffee Roasters Association to be one of the best low acidity coffees in the world. When asked to comment, David, chief spokesman for King Harv’s said “I’m not surprised they said that. Not surprised at all.” You too can order Two Cats Coffee, and many many other rare and exotic coffees, online at www.kingharv.com Oh, and the shipping is still free anywhere in the USA. Even though USPS raised the rates on us again.