A Letter from a Plantation Owner – by Anony Mouse
While restoring a very old building in the South, used for a time as a post office, the following letter to the editor of the Picayune Post-Gazeteer was found under the floorboards….
It has come to my attention that we, the fine upstanding plantation owners of the region, may be unknowingly harboring an Insidious and Malignant Evil, poised to destroy everything we hold dear. I speak, of course, of the seemingly innocuous Ornament oft found in the grounds and near the front stoops of many a fine house, the Lawn Jockey. “Tis but a harmless statue,” I hear you say, and indeed so it seems! But I have been informed that this same Statue is used to communicate secretly with the dastardly criminals commonly known as the Underground Railroad.
Using these Statues and certain signs placed thereon to communicate the safety of approaching a house in vile conspiracy with this so-called Railroad, the criminals, under cover of night, beguile our slaves with such tawdry superstitions as “freedom” and “humanity”, tempting even an obedient slave into discarding their master’s lifetime investment and care and instead, running off to distant and uncivilized lands (such as Canada).
The danger is imminent, and it is real! We must ban the display and manufacture of these violence-inducing lawn ornaments, used to incite rebellion and communicate the plans of thieves—and if that does not suffice to stop the plague of escaping slaves, the next step can only be the banning of any foolhardy enough to own such devices of insurrection and conspiracy. Do not listen to the naysayers that claim these rogues are only an idea, incapable of actual destruction! It has been well documented one of the so-called “Conductors” of this Railroad of Doom is a Female of the name of Tubman, who is widely reported to carry a firearm everywhere she goes. It is only a matter of time before she injures or even kills some innocent slaveholder!
I remain, Sirs,
your most Obedient Servant,
Beauregard Aloysius O’Blivion