You Utter TOOTHBRUSH! What’s Vacuuming With You?


A friend of mine posted this on facebook, and I thought it was too good not to run with/expand/share:


Look, I get that, and we can test this theory with insults:

You Utter Puking Cat!
You Utter Water Bottle!

Likely, of course.
But consider “I was utterly carpeted” might work for drunk. Or “I was utterly scribbled.” but depending on context both could also work for angry or worried or more likely flabbergasted.  Consider:

Those utter bran muffins!  I was so completely lawned that they said that.  I can’t believe anyone could be that completely flowering bush!

What say you.  My husband is of the school of thought that ANYTHING can sound dirty said suggestively and with a wink.

“Hi there. I’d like to help you cook!”  Or “I see you’re moping the floor” can be utterly obscene the way he says it when he’s … well… you know… when he is trying to make it so.

What other completely inappropriate to the task words can you pervert?

Come on, you peeled carrots.  I’m sure you can give it an escaped balloon chance.

(And yes, I’m AWARE that this wasn’t the type of linguistic post you expected.  But it is one of the ways languages change and grow. Eh.)

111 thoughts on “You Utter TOOTHBRUSH! What’s Vacuuming With You?

  1. You utter cat toy!
    I was completely chaired last night.
    You absolute bookcase! How can you be so thick?!
    Hey, baby, is the laundry done?

  2. The first time I encountered that was a Pinterest capture of a Tumblr post explaining the purpose of those ‘Baby On Board’ signs on cars, as a reply to someone bitching about their existence as if they were parental ego trips, completely unnecessary, ‘as if we’d deliberately smash into their cars just because there’s a baby on board.’

    The person doing the angry explaining ended it with ‘you utter spoon’ or ‘utter walnut.’ I’m not sure which of the two right now.

    I’ve been doing a lot of that, but with a lot of swearwords between ‘utter’ or ‘absolute’ and the noun. It’s a lovely way to blow off steam without any damage to surrounding items or property or people. I marvel that my children don’t swear… though ‘damnit’ has crept into son’s language. Pretty much the only time I’ve heard him casually swear.

    1. With the kids growing up I used two things TANJEN (There Ain’t No Justice used like the F work) and Editor used like the S word.
      Imagine their shock when they found out that it wasn’t understood in kindergarten.

      1. That miserable mother-editing publisher!

        Go edit yourself!

        Me likey. Has me rolling on the floor editing my typos out.

      2. That’s funny. My kids and I have been making up word, and using funny, but real, words all their lives. So I had the fun of one of my kids coming home from school exclaiming “Dad! Impecunious really IS a word! I thought you made that one up!”

  3. You utter etymologist! I got completely etymologied last night. No, those just get blank stares.

    Hey, babe, want to do some etymology with me? Ah, now that could get me a slap in the face.

    I theorize that the number of sylabobbles affects the effect.

      1. You utter lexicologist!

        You left handed son of a lead bonder! *

        (*) actually used in a hybrid circuits lab. Said bonder was an utter tool.

      2. People who confuse etymology with entomology bug me in ways that are not easy to put into words.

          1. No doubt her exitology is noticeably diferent from her enterology.
            Likely reminiscent of jimjamming the frazzer engine.

      1. IT suggests another formulation, the “What a …” structure. Such as: “What a proctologist!”

        Also, the “He’s such a …” form: “He’s such a cardiologist.”

  4. Off the subject, but it’s Saturday—the ’60s sci-fi show “Time Tunnel” is on meTV, albeit at 4 or 4:30 AM, but it’s on the intertubes as well. It’s actually in color, too, who knew?

      1. I found the original Star Trek viewing experience improved when I watched it on an old thirteen inch black and white television.

        All of the sets seemed way more believable without the odd color schemes the colorized version implemented.

        1. Steffen Star Trek was NOT colorized. I watched it over the airwaves on NBC on a then humongous 25″ color TV in 1966-1969 (my parents one extravagance, otherwise they were quite frugal). What did not fare well were the special effects. CBS re did them in the 200’s when they created an HD version. If you can find the pre HD dvd’s they are from very good prints and have the original effects. I think the colors are just kind of intense because that mod color (e.g. nehru jackets) and style was just how people indicated FUTURE (See UFO and 2001). Also NTSC tv standard does some weird stuff to colors. It’s NOT a 1-1 mapping to colors in the real world

          1. For what it’s worth, NBC (then owned by RCA) was the first network to feature all-color primetime, because TV sales. I’m not sure of the exact timeframe, but mid-60s sounds about right.

            Besides the inherent problems with NTSC (Arthur C. Clarke called it “never twice the same color”), early color TVs used a lot of analog circuits to get the colors out. The electronics were prone to drift, especially with tube curcuits. IIRC, the second-hand Sony I got in 1974-5 was stable for color.

            Technically better systems like PAL were a non-starter in the US because they could not be made compatible with the B&W TVs. There was a huge installed base of monochrome sets out there, and costs would have been outrageous, if even possible to do. Not that many VHF channels were available, and UHF was funky, even 20 miles away from the downtown transmitter.

        2. We had a 19(?) inch B&W TV in the 60s, and a friend also had one similarly sized. Both Star Trek and the Avengers (Dianna Rigg FTW) fared well in monochrome.

          In the dorm in the early 70s, I started seeing it on a color TV, and yeah, ST:TOS looks odd with the garish colors. Note: not colorized, colorized movies were a bit later (1980s, I think). As I recall, there wasn’t much money given to the ST production, so they had to get creative. Not everything worked…

        3. I seem to recall one batch of reminiscing had the techs trying balance the colors and getting everything else off because “no matter what we do, her skin keeps coming out GREEN.” “She’s an alien. Her skin is SUPPOSED to BE green”.

          1. IIRC That was mentioned in a book titled “The Making Of Star Trek” and happened with the first pilot film.

            IE Shots of the “Green Dancing Girl” kept coming back with her having “normal skin color” because the techs thought something was wrong when they saw the green skin. 😈

          2. I think that story is in Gerrold’s “World of Star Trek” or some such, related about Spock (whose skin never did look green on my tv).

              1. And the command uniforms were a pale green, but we all saw gold on our TVs.

                Then again, I didn’t get my first color TV until we inherited my grandparent’s TV in like 1980.

                    1. which is actually almost the same color as the other, just the two fabircs photographed differently

  5. I can’t stand that couple. He’s a multiple matriculant and she’s an utter polyglot!

  6. I’ve got about 5% of a cold, which makes me feel like I’m completely dust bunnied. I don’t think I can compete with any of the absolute throw pillows that have already posted.

  7. So, Sarah, you’re “mopping the floor”? And now you’re “utterly mopped”? Like, TOTALLY?
    My lawn is done to a turn. Utterly farklesnorged. I’ll be going soon.
    Or not. You…haff been Vorned!

  8. That actually sounds like word balloons from Zodon in PS 238 when he’s angry. But the joke there is that he’s been modified with comic book superscience so that his swearwords turn into random bits of vocabulary (or if he falls into a long rant, into show tunes). It never actually sounds like swearing.

    I’ve read somewhere that in French, an epithet can be intensified by preceding it with espèce de, “species of.” But I suppose the primary word has to be an insult already.

    1. Absolutely the first thing I thought of. Anyone curious can go to Nodwick dot com and click on PS238.


    2. Also similarly were the swear substitutes forced onto Nick in the webcomic Skin Horse when he was a brain installed onto a CV-22 Osprey.

  9. Back in the ‘90s(?) Volkswagen had a slogan that used the word “Fahrvergnuggen”. It was supposed to describe the wonderful feeling of driving their cars. I have lately decided it would make a great curse word.

    1. You’re not the first one. I recall an associate snarling, ‘What a piece of fahrvergnuggen,” at recalcitrant equipment. And someone else replying, “Gesundheit.”

      1. My wife and I, as soon as we saw the commercial, started using it that way. She still does to this day. Since she’s bi-polar (well medicated, but still), it can come out a lot and in unexpected ways. She still gets me to laugh (ROFL sometimes) when she does it.

    2. I was working as a locksmith in Southern California during that time and Volkswagens were notoriously easy to jimmy open, so much so that there was a running gag in the shop that “Fahrvernuggen” was German for “Please steal my stereo.”

    3. Everything in German makes a great swear word.
      We had a German translation of Sendak’s “Where the Wild Things Are” which our boys liked better than the English one.
      You could really hear those teeth gnashing and eyes rolling.

      1. The German version of “Jabberwocky” sounds cool too. I especially like the climactic

        Eins, zwei! eins, zwei! und durch und durch
        Sein vorpals Schwert zerschniefer-schnück!

      1. And a horse in Pinky and the Brain (who was also somehow Pinky’s love interest… I refuse to speculate) was Phar Fignewton. No relation, so far as I am aware, to Phar Lap.

  10. Many years ago, when I was in college, I discovered something similar when I demonstrated that reading a science textbook in the appropriate tone of voice can sound completely obscene. The fact that I flipped it open to a passage about coronal mass ejections probably didn’t help…

  11. For some reason I heard those in the voice of the narrator from the Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy (radio version). 🙂

  12. If you don’t mind sounding a bit Valley girl, “total” works, too. For a bit more educated sound, there is “complete”. To my ear, anyway. For emphasis, you can compound the adjectives.

  13. A number of years agone, Daughtorial Unit and I concluded that virtually any combination of present participle and noun constitute an euphemism for masturb self-abuse.

    Most famously is the band name Flogging Molly, but even a phrase as innocuous as “walking the dog” or “putting the kids to bed” can suggest that activity.

    I am not sure whether this ubiquity reflects the universality of this pastime or its somewhat taboo aspect as a practice to brag about. After all, who wants to proclaim “I am the world’s greatest” at that?

    As for insinuations of improper intent, I find that a smirk and a wink will get you further than just a gun alone. Hey, big boy, is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

  14. My husband is of the school of thought that ANYTHING can sound dirty said suggestively and with a wink.

    Heh. You wanna fondue with me?

    What a cheesy joke!

  15. Years ago, I was present for a bunch of musicians arguing over whether or not any sound could be musical. Several months later, I teched a show for ’em, and they’d added cattle prods into the percussion, among other things. And it worked well, and the audience loved it.

    Afterward the crowd had gone home and we were cleaning up and packing out, one of the guitarists (and bongos) yelled loud enough at the keyboardist (and cattle prods, and…) “I don’t care what you say, I’m drawing the line! We are not playing a fart!”

    …sounds like this theory is headed off in the same direction!

  16. My husband is of the school of thought that ANYTHING can sound dirty said suggestively and with a wink.

    This is a truth well known to every sailor.

    Thus, “that’s what she said” being a running game.

    1. Said the actress to the bishop.

      “If you’ve been following the rumors about the current NRA meeting, you’ve heard about the attempt to oust Wayne La Pierre. One of the parties involved is Dan Boren, who is son of David Boren. David Boren is an Oklahoma Democrat, and former elected official, and was recently president of the University of Oklahoma. During the latter part of his tenure as president, David Boren was an outspoken Obama supporter and pushed the university to the left.”

      “That’s what she said.” said the actress to the Bishop.

      Now I have a mad impulse to do an Isekai that has among the transported cast an actress and a bishop. Because after dozens of Asian light fantasy LNs with clergy based on generations of regurgitated pap, a realistic Bishop of conservative theology would be a change.

      Hmm, a multi-degree ultra experienced engineering professor who is absolutely useless when it comes to bootstrapping tech, because he has the wrong specialties, and the magic system isn’t helpfully set up for exploitation…

      1. Because after dozens of Asian light fantasy LNs with clergy based on generations of regurgitated pap, a realistic Bishop of conservative theology would be a change.

        Heck, just having an ACTUAL CATHOLIC would be brilliant.
        Hang a lampshade on it by him being an anime fanboy whose guilty pleasure is Hellsing. “No, I don’t have blessed pie servers.”

        I love the last one, too! Basically just make it clear that “I have a degree in (big subject)” doesn’t mean you know EVERYTHING in it…although it can give you the right questions.

        1. Example: ask a civil engineer at what temperature do you calcine lime to produce portland cement? (That one they might know.) Then ask how do you calcine lime. (Or ask a materials engineer how to build a bridge or, even harder, Do we have enough stuff here to build a bridge across the chasm so that the horse and wagon with us and all our stuff won’t fall into the Chasm of Unending Night, but the six large extra large stone giants will break the bridge and fall in before they can kill us.)

          1. My answer would be “oop so me dah, honya.”

            (That’s suppose to Korean for “I don’t know, sir,” which I learned second-hand from my dad–well enough that fellow soldiers who had been to Korea [which I haven’t] could translate my few useful phrases—and my one really, um, colorful one—which I can’t accurately translate.)

          2. As “I, Pencil,” explains, everything modern is the work of many hands.

            But Poul Anderson did that one, and frankly it’s too depressing to do much with.

            1. It isn’t depressing if prof is useful for other things, and if broader people can apply things they learn from him.

              If the group is balanced around the humor of interaction between wildly different viewpoints, and every one is needed to cover the full range of problems solved, it shouldn’t hurt things that the prof is not basically Mentor of Arisia smiting the earth, and Lord Kelvin springing forth riding a survivalist nutjob magical talking horse, followed by a fusion dance.

              There is value in a professor of engineering with a good heart, so long as he hasn’t lost himself in being a hammer, or to thinking the world is nails, or that the hammer must rule all, lest nails stick up.

              But doing all the perspectives well, and respectfully, would be very challenging. The research alone…

              1. I think the entire premise is wrong! Look at all of the major contributions by Roy Hinkley, the Professor to the castaways of Gilligan’s Island, and he was but a high-school science teacher (with a specialization in Botany.)

                According to Wikipedia (can one ever doubt their authority?):

                Aside from his proficiency in science, he was also adept and well-versed in law, literature, social sciences, and the arts. Besides a list of degrees from various schools (including USC, UCLA, SMU, and TCU) he provides in one episode, little was ever learned about his past and nothing was ever learned about his family. In several episodes, brief remarks are made on his past: in the pilot he is described as a research scientist and “well-known scoutmaster”; in another when a big game hunter comes to the island and asks the Professor what sports he took, the answer is “chess”; after kissing Ginger for a prolonged period (during filming of a silent movie), he claims that he was able to hold his breath during the kissing because he used to be a “scuba diver”.

                Thus it is clearly demonstrated that the benefits of a broadly-degreed scientist must be incalculable!

      2. That’s not mad. We look forward to reading it.

        I mean, I get people enthusing that I have actual Catholics in my fantasy novels.

        1. Donald over at TAC posted about St. Vidicon on April Fool’s, and long story short I went and read most of the Wizard in Rhyme series again… it really shouldn’t be so hard to find basic Catholics in fantasy.

        2. If I committed to it, I would be picking the bishop’s denomination based on what would be funniest when handled authentically and respectfully.

          Morman is already out of the running, sadly. Morman bishops seem to be mostly married with children. Two Mormans is one too many, and separating a family puts a lot of emphasis on getting home.

          On the other hand, there is no law of physics saying an actress can’t be Morman. (Insert obnoxious counter argument of vigorous handwaving and repeated shouts of ‘entropy’, ‘information’, and ‘system’.)

          Current project slot is filled with something that is an awful mess in planning. Multicross fanfic, I’m still learning plotting, and can’t yet force myself to fix the theological problems by simply excising the unsound elements. I make no promises for future projects.

          1. No law of physics, no, but looking for a Mormon actress in Hollywood seems rather like trying to find a virgin in a brothel. The culture clash is utter ketchup.

  17. Let us not forget the nonsensical double noun insult. I has given me an all time favorite.

    He’s just a clown boat.

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