Okay, today I really can’t

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

Not even a state of the writer post.

So, I’m going to leave you with a couple of questions to debate:

1- Is it fair of a publishing house to weaponize a woman’s cat against her, so that he screams and gives her the claw if she isn’t writing?  Other annoying behavior includes “herding to writing desk.”

1-a-Is Greebo a cat?  Or is he a clever Robot designed to replace the feral we fed in the other neighborhood?  I mean I’m suspicious because we always thought he was more attached to the house than to us.  Also, how many cats can raise their eyebrow?

2- If fish were the normal weapons of war, how would you write specifications for them?

Minnow?  Trout?  Pike?  What would they be employed for and what would be their calibers?

Yes, it’s that sort of morning.  I’ll be back later.

95 thoughts on “Okay, today I really can’t”

  1. “Is it fair of a publishing house to weaponize a woman’s cat against her,”

    Cats want gooshy food and will do whatever is required to ensure a constant supply. Fairness doesn’t enter into it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. One of #1 Daughter’s cats doesn’t not believe that it’s food if it doesn’t crunch. No single soft food, nor combination of them will change the critter’s opinion. It will even eat canine kibble if nothing better is available.

      Nobody knows why other than Finé, and she’s not talking.

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  2. “If fish were the normal weapons of war …”

    They would be banned as inhumane and only the Western Democracies would disdain their use. As it is only the Western Democracies who bother to classify things beyond good/bad and ours/should-be-ours, they would not be classified.

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      2. Weapons permitted for dueling are often illegal as weapons of war. For example, sharp glances, cutting remarks, mocking smiles and witty retorts are all unacceptable on the battlefield and may reduce in suspension of activities if deployed.

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  3. You made a terrible mistake when you allowed Greebo to listen in on some of our group discussions. He now knows that if momma don’t write kitty don’t eat. The burning question in my mind: is Greebo working for Baen, Naked Press, Inkstain, or freelance for all of the above?
    Hell, let’s go full urban fantasy and say that Greebo is channelling the ghost of Jim Baen.
    You’re doomed my fine young Portagee, doomed I tell you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sure Greebo is one smart kitty. Separate contracts with all of the above, using payment offers against each of them to entice the highest bids. (Greebo has got to be on of those capitalistic fat cats, regardless of real weight or girth, of course!)

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  4. I believe fish have been used in warfare since the Middle Ages (give or take a time period). It started with the use of pikes by foot soldiers. Cavalry weaponized the first trout as a secondary weapon when their flounder ran out of pellets. The minnow of course is a oxymoron. Today we think of it as something small and not really an issue. But at one time they were used as siege weapons. The most famous battle they were used in was the Sack of Parlay.

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    1. And of course the Delta Smelt has been weaponized in the Federal governments war on CA farmers.

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      2. Carp. It was bad enough with just Sacramento using the smelt as a weapon. Didn’t anyone tell those people that most rivers in central/southern California don’t flow at all during parts of the year? Even those where the smelt normally lives.

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    1. On first reading, today’s post is amusing. Then one correlates with other stories about Toni… Brrr.

      Fish, I don’t know. Trout, however, would be candidates for the times when the author needs a slap across the face. Childhood experience tells me that.

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    3. Well, yeah, everyone knows that. It’s only the fact that humans still control the can openers that has kept them under control.

      But an intelligent alien can still be kidnapped and replaced with a robot.

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      3. It’s only the fact that humans still control the can openers that has kept them under control.

        … For now.

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  7. 1. a.) As a reader, entirely fair for me. Then, I don’t have pets (and according to CPS toddlers AREN’T pets, no matter how I harness them for exercise).
    1. b.) I have heard rumours of blueprints floating around out there on the internet, and have started researching ways of detecting C.A.T emissions. So far no luck.

    2.) minnow: 5.56 trout: .50 cal pike: 30mm Specifications and uses to be determined. John and Mason (put down that beam gun Mason) are currently researching methods of deployment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was thinking that minnows were more double-aught shot. Now sardines would be about 7.62…

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      1. Haven’t measured one. But from the pictures I’ve seen, you’d mount the tubes on cruisers or above.

        Unless they’re torpedoes, of course.

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          1. C. megalodon possibly extinct relative of the white shark.
            (possibly extinct because as my ichthyology professor used to say “There are bigger fish in the sea than ever came out of it!”)

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  8. 1-a-Is Greebo a cat? Or is he a clever Robot designed to replace the feral we fed in the other neighborhood?

    Don’t be silly, Greebo is an elemental. Force of nature, to be exact.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Unless you play a Magic Terrain Generator card on him which doubles the damage by engaging all 4 paws at once.

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  10. Of course Greebo is a cat. You underestimate cats. Galway the Golden Emperor of the Universe would be happy to explain it all to you right after he gets through knocking things off my desk.

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  11. In what universe did you think naming your cat Greebo wouldn’t have consequences? You need to go acquire a small female white can and name her “You” promptly. Alternatively, you could adopt the war cry of the Feegles – I think “We’ve got a cheap lawyer an’ we’re not afraid to use him!” should do nicely.

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  12. OK, this isn’t a weaponized fish story, but it is related.
    I have an aunt who is a lawyer that specializes in tort law. When I was growing up one of her favorite jokes was to threaten her children that she would ‘Slap them with a tort!’ if they failed to keep a promise.
    I, being a very young child when I first hear this phrase, somehow got the impression that a tort was a type of fish, and I had the mental image of lawyers battling each other with fish in a courtroom to resolve issues. I can’t help but wonder if the culture of out legal system would not have been improved if such a tradition had actually existed.

    Liked by 1 person

    2. A torte is not a fish, it is a much superior substitute for a cake. The lawyers were throwing cakes at each other in court (probably chocolate with chocolate mousse icing).

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      1. We’ve all heard that famous tale about the woman who said, “Let them eat torte,” right? Which led directly to the popular slapstick routine known as pie-in-the-face, now frequently seen on YouTube.

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    1. Fair is where you eat sticky confections and look at livestock. Don’t know what it’s got to do with publishing houses or cats at all!

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  14. 1-Fairness of Cat Weaponization: Category error. Cats cannot be weaponized by outside agencies, with the single exception of the “Well-Aimed Cat” card in the Cheapass Games chariot-racing game Ben Hurt. (Not making those up.) The very fact that Greebo is doing what the publishers would want if they knew about it is proof it hasn’t occurred to them yet, in the same way Murphy’s Law doesn’t work in reverse (e.g. you can’t wash your car to make it rain).

    1-a: Potential of Cat Roboticization: Also category error. Cats cannot be roboticized, because robots would act consistently and no cat acting consistently would be believeable as a cat.

    2: Specification of Weaponized Fish: Well, it would have to include gill factor, scale, required mussel power, incentive to user shellfishness, ease of impulse use (i.e. just for the halibut), properly issued clearance cods, required frequency of tuna-ups, ammo carpacity, and potential to claim enemy scallops.

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    1. I’m afraid the only response to that tightly-packed can of puns is to

      *groan loudly, beat head on desk* and beg for it to stop.

      XD

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  15. Cats know. Some think it’s their job to keep their humans straight. We have one who is a micromanager. He thinks he has to tell us when, well, when to do everything.

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    1. I was getting The Look this morning from my elder cat about the unsuitability of the rain and lack of sunbeams or birds in the cat tv. (Windows.) She followed me around the house, checking each window, and giving her thumb-monkey progressively dirtier looks as every windowsill proved unfavourable conditions.

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  16. Shoot– my dog makes sure I get two walks a day. If not I get licked to death. I tremble for the day when they make a hybrid of a dog and cat.

    Fish :) after the war there will be something to eat and good for seeds.

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  17. Pike – it’s not just for breakfast any more.
    Pike – the fish shaped like a pole arm, but more vicious.
    When properly treated, a hurled Pike can skewer up to three ranks of densely packed pikemen.

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  18. I’m the one currently riding 4-5 miles a day on my bike because my toddler is demanding all of my attention with his siblings out of town. Aside from the demanding cat attention.

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  19. sarah. pike were used as weapons of war for centuries, a Musketeer authoress should have known that.

    And Greebo IS NOT a cat… he is a Krell id-monster your subconscious shaped to keel you working… you can NEVER get rid of one of those…

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  20. Do cats make the pricing decision at Pocket books to charge 6.99 for the kindle version of a Star Trek pulp novel and 7.99 for the paperback?

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  21. If it took Baen to weapons Greebo that would be proof he is not a cat. Cats are self-weaponizing.

    Also, if he is weaponized fro Baen’s purpopes he is not a cat. Cats weaponize only to achieve their own, often inscrutable to humans, ends.

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    1. Except those witches cats which aren’t actually cats, but either neutral elemental spirits, mental constructs called servitors or not so neutral demons. First mostly stick to what they have been told to do, the demons try to figure out how to twist the instructions so that the end result is worst possible.

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    2. If Baen weaponized Greebo John Ringo would have to explain how cats worked every four pages a la Sheva Gun…

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Catgirl based gynoid navel weapons systems are in comparison perfectly comprehensible.

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  23. *quietly removes Senior Princess from my lap, where she is overseeing me write the next Lone Star Sons adventure so that she can’t see that I am wasting time on the internet*

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  24. As regarding weaponized fish, it is a part of lore that Composition D exists because fish were eating B (or C). That would make fish sappers.

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      1. Do weaponized fish include members of the mollusk family? If so, stand by to Release The Kraken!

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  29. Of course Greebo isn’t a cat. He is a shapeshifted minor imp spawned in Chaos and employed by the evil magician Murphy to distract you from whatever it is you are trying to accomplish.

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  30. What about catfish as weapons of war? They already come with spines. Probably related to cats and thought ahead to what they’d need…

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  32. A slightly off topic (when did anybody here stay on topic anyway) story: I had a dream a couple of days ago, in which I was on some railway station in northern Utah (I checked, with google maps on my smartphone :D ) with some group on some sort of excursion. One of the girls in the group was named America. For some reason she had her hands handcuffed behind her back. We tried to get them loose, but no go. She kept wondering around, and at one point I saw her behind some sort of barrier (I could see her upper body, but not her legs) and there was a train coming towards her. Her back was turned to it, and even thought the rest of us started yelling her about it she didn’t turn to look, and didn’t seem to notice our yelling. But the train swerved a bit at the last second, and didn’t hit her. At that moment she finally seemed to notice it, and flinched and turned. When I went closer to the barrier I saw that she wasn’t actually standing on the tracks, but on a platform next to them, very close to the edge though.

    After the train was gone the handcuffs just seemed to fall off. She joined us, and seemed to be very embarrassed about the whole thing as we all started doing something.

    The dream still amuses me. Talk about symbolic… okay, so wish fulfillment or something, but I could imagine something like a couple of angels talking:

    “Talk about oblivious. We send her prophetic dreams every second night, all sunrises and sh*t, and she just DOESN’T GET THEM! This one certainly is no Joseph.”
    “Hey, he didn’t dream, just interpreted. It can be a bit easier when it’s less personal.”
    “Details, details.”
    “She is pretty dumb, though, have to admit that.”
    “Okay, last effort. If we really spell it out to her…?”
    “Worth a try, I guess. But sure, last try. If she doesn’t get it this time either we just have to find somebody else.”
    “Okay. Now it has to be really really obvious. How about this scenario…”

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