This morning I made an executive decision that going for a walk and spending time with my husband was more important than getting this blog up on time. We had to do it in the morning, because we were expecting rain around noon. But of course, then there were errands and we ended up at home around one. At which time, like a good blog hostess I sat down to do Dark Fate for you (yes, later) but decided to first refresh my memory on the king’s of Portugal and their potential monster hunter interests.
Which is when I came across this.
I have no idea who created this, and it can’t possible be reputable, but it had me laughing so hard I couldn’t just write. No, I had to expose you to this wonderful piece of… of piece.
Early Portugal was found around the 1000s by Paleolithic’s.
This was important, since well into the middle ages, and after the Roman empire, the poor Paleolithics had no place to go anymore. People in Portugal, at the time of its independence were a little surprised at the arrival of time-travelers, but since they lacked a good SFnal tradition, they lacked the vocabulary to express it.
The Paleolithic people were from a prehistoric era about 2.6 million years ago.
So, we presume there was a bit of acculturation. Like, for instance, the fact they were not really human.
These people were sailors that were exploring land when a person in there group, now known as King Afonso Henriques, spotted Portugal.
For which purpose he used a round brush and some blue paint.
As for the person being known as King Afonso Henriques, that could have been on account of having been born in Guimaraes, then the capital of the Count’s Domain that would eventually become Portugal, and baptized by that name in the local church. Oh, wait, not king, of course, because at the time he was merely the heir to the count.
King Henriques became the king in 1128 because he had killed his mother which made the whole country cherish him and his rules.
As killing one’s mother does, as a matter of course. Or it could have been that he put his mother in a convent because, while fighting for independence of Castile, he found his mother was conspiring to return it to the Castilian domain. Which makes perfect sense, since she was the daughter of the king of Castile. But do carry on. Your version is way funnier.
He then thought of the name Portus Cale meaning port of cale.
Portus Calem meaning warm harbor, the original name of the city of Porto, but also the name of the count’s domains that included it. But again, dude, your version is way funnier. What were you smoking?
It was then changed to Portucale. In between 1580-1640 Portugal became close with Spain. They were known as neighboring countries.
For which purpose REALLY big hooks and staples were used. Again, dude, what? 1580 to 1640 Portugal and Spain were ONE COUNTRY due to one of those pesky inheritance things monarchies suffer from. Eventually the Portuguese kicked the Spaniards out and became independent again. they continued to be neighboring countries because geography is a stone cold bitch.
The Pre-Celts and Celts were the first people to settle there. Years later the Moors, Gallaeci, Lusitanians, Celtici, and Cynetes settled there. Portugal then became independent in 1139.
This sentence seems to be out of order. Or maybe not, since you believe the Portuguese king was “Paleolithic” and arrived in a boat. I’m a little confused about how Portugal had a king before being independent, but never mind. Carry on. I’m sure (and I’m terrified) you’ll explain.
The Moors were before 1139, you completely forgot the Romans, you don’t have the Germanic tribes and btw, I have no idea who or what the Cynetes were. It’s possible they existed and accidentally got snagged in your demented narrative, but they sound like a really cool pastry, or perhaps baby swans.
Portuguese people enjoyed a lot about their country but the most important to them was music, art, drama, and dance.
Having been a Portuguese people, I beg to differ, mostly what Portuguese people enjoyed about their country when I lived there was wine and food with a side of beaches. But don’t let me stop your rousing narrative.
You could enjoy these hobbies by going to the mall where they had cinemas, hypermarkets, and restaurants.
I am so confused, was this before or after the Paleolithics? Because when I lived there we were well into the bronze age, and there were no malls. But yeah, people routinely enjoy music, dancing and theater in hypermarkets and restaurants, not to mention malls. Because that’s the way they roll.
The food in Portugal differed by the region.
Hell, it sometimes differed by house. You couldn’t pay me to eat my aunt’s food and she lived next door. She washed her chicken. With soap.
Some foods that were common to all regions were fish, meats, cod, and seafood. Cozido a Portuguesa was a famous stew that they ate in every region.
My head hurts again. Cod is fish which by definition is seafood. As for every region, by the time fish got to tras-os-montes it would be Garum. But fine, go on. As for Cozido, no, you ignorant moron, it wasn’t and isn’t a stew. Cozido means boiled. It’s usually a selection of boiled meats and vegetables inflicted on the unsuspecting for Sunday dinner. (Sorry mom.)
One genre of music was known as Fado, this was popular and sung about sea, life of the poor, and other.
Each region showed there appreciation in different ways, like in Lisbon you clapped after the song but in Coinbra one would cough as if they were clearing there throut.
You know, I don’t even know where you picked this up, or if you’re PFA with one of those hooks used to bring Portugal and Spain together, but since you can neither spell Coimbra nor throat I’m going to assume it’s a fit of insanity.
When I lived there, we clapped, as people do.
Sports were not particularly played often
Which would be a remarkable shock to every Portuguese person I know, since every group of boys plays soccer.
but they had the same sports one would find in other countries, football being the most popular. People had few jobs to choose from, but everyone would hunt, gather, fish, or be a house mother.
Being a house mother was particularly difficult in the Paleolithic since colleges hadn’t been invented.
Also let me assure my readers that while we did NOT have malls, people were not hunter gatherers.
Hunters hunted for bones of oxen, deer, sheep, horses, and pigs.
This was way more expedient than hunting for the animals themselves, as bones put up way less fight.
Clothing was different in the rural and city areas but not important to the Portuguese.
REALLY not important, which is why the most important industry in the North when I lived there was textiles and specifically ready-to-wear.
Men and women in the city wore western pattern clothing, but in the rural areas the men wore stocking caps, berets, trousers, and baggy shirts. The women in the rural areas wore black shawls and long dresses.
First — again, what ARE you smoking? — Portugal is the Western-most country in Europe. Just wanted to get that out there. Second, I don’t remember ANYONE but folkloric dance groups wearing black shawls, long dresses, caps, berets or baggy shirts (well, some hippies in the sixties/seventies.) Mind you most men DID wear trousers. They still do. It’s well thought of. And unlike you, dear sir, they wear them on their bottom half.
Government and Political Organization:
In Portugal, the government started as a monarchy and that lasted until the twentieth century.
I am in utter shock that you managed to write an ENTIRELY correct (if not particularly in depth) sentence.
After the monarchy came the democracy in 1974, which is still the present government of Portugal.
You were going on so prosperously, and then had to step in it. I begin to understand you got the history of Portugal from government pamphlets.
The monarchy was overthrown in 1908 and after some fafsing with the prince who survived the assassination declaring himself king, the Portuguese REPUBLIC was declared.
They experimented with several forms of organization eventually falling for the then-hotness of national socialism. When that ended in the revolution in 74 Portugal became a “democracy on the way to socialism” (it said so in my 11th grade history book and their constitution.) International socialism one assumes, otherwise there was no point to the revolution. This was removed from their constitution recently, but since the current government is a concatenation of communists, socialists and various leftier than you micro-parties, and since at any rate they’re part of the EU and therefore little more than a subordinate state, you could say the present government are leftists in search of relevancy.
Today the democracy includes the president, the assembly, and the legal courts of law.
And their little dog too.
Now let’s go back in time and see how the government used to work.
I can hardly wait!
Afonso Henriques was the first king of Portugal. All kings had royal counsels. The counsels consisted of a chancellor, a scribe, majordomo, and a notary. The scribe wrote documents and things for the king, the notary helped the king make important decisions; the majordomo was the bodyguard for the king, and the chancellor was the highest owner of land.
My head hurts. The king’s council consisted of prominent noblemen. I’m sure there was a scribe and possibly a notary (but probably not that early on.) The Majordomo ran the royal household (if he existed. Portugal often did things on the cheap. And as for the chancellor a) I got nothing. b) owner of land? Again I must ask what you are smoking.
Another important part of ancient government of Portugal was the Cortes. The Cortes was another royal counsel that the king would often go to with any help he seeked. It was made up of men from all of the social classes. The job of the Cortes was to help the king with decision making when needed, but the Cortes could not do anything unless the king needed them.
Or, in English, the cortes were a parliament made up of the three estates: church, nobles and commons. They were summoned by the king and dismissed at will.
The Cortes was abolished in 1697 because of the monarchy of Portugal.
Because before that Portugal was governed by space aliens. Your Portugal, since of course, in the real world it had been a monarchy all along and several kings dismissed the Cortes when they didn’t like what they heard.
Also, Portugal was divided into different estates or terras as they were called. Every terra had a governor who was a citizen of the terra. The governor made small laws and help together the terra, but the king still had all of the power.
I don’t even. Terra= earth and is colloquially used to refer to a locale, like “this is my terra” i.e. the place I come from. However Portugal was divided in provinces. Yes, local noblemen had some power, and yes, in theory were vassals to the king, but how much they listened to him depended on time and place and most of all the king.
HOWEVER I want to note they helped together the terra with the same old grappling hooks and that they only made small laws, no more than three paragraphs. In your world, at least.
The political organization has changed a lot from what it used to be like.
Not so much as you’d expect. Sure, the names change, but scratch a socialist and you’ll find a feudalist.
Heaven’s mercy. You’re not done.
In ancient Portugal,
Look, old Portugal maybe. In ancient times there was no Portugal. Greece, Rome, Phoenicia, but no Portugal. It was a horrible oversight, since the poor Paleolithics (with or without misplaced apostrophe) had nowhere to go.
there were 3 different social classes; clergy, nobility, and commoners.
Well done. Mostly correct.
The first and highest social class below the king was clergy. There were 2 parts of clergy. Upper clergy was the higher bishops and abbots
And, as Ronnie of Blessed Memory put it, there you go again. Look, this isn’t hard. It was the same everywhere at one time. First, no, below the king it wasn’t the clergy but the nobles. Clergymen had remarkably small armies at the time. Second, I think you mean cardinals and bishops. The abbots were just heads of houses of monks.
Lower clergy was the lower group consisting of monks and priests. Both groups of clergy were treated very well and had a lot of rights.
And some lefts as well. Yes, I’m sure those Parish Priests were just overflowing with rights, whatever you mean.
The next social class was called nobility. Nobility had 3 groups within it. Highest nobility consisted of wealthy men of Portugal who had large estates and had their own private armies. Lesser nobility was made up of fairly wealthy people who owned smaller estates, no private armies, but freedom and rights.
Mostly the right to be drafted into the army of the next big nobleman. Also, I want you to go to your corner and write down precisely what “freedom and rights” mean.
Villein knights were high commoners but considered in the nobility social class.
Hot ice and wondrous warm snow. WHAT IN HOLY HELL ACTUALLY, out? Villeins were somewhere between slaves and tenant farmers. And as for commoners who were considered nobility, look… I… What?
They rode horses and used weapons, planned attacks on Muslims,
As one does, when there is no good movie at the cinema in the mall and one is a Paleolithic. Look, bub, for the time the Moors were still in the peninsula the attack and counter-attack and taking of slaves on both sides was continuous.
Also and for the record, dear sir, I used to be Portuguese. Planning and Portuguese are even weirder than villein knights.
and served the king. The next and lowest social class was commoners. Commoners farmed, raised stock, and did village crafts.
If they were in the city, they were forbidden from doing crafts. “To the village with you,” they were told.
They were at the very bottom of the pyramid.
Which is why they were so sharp.
Outside of the social pyramid were slaves. They had no rights, no privileges.
Except those granted to them by their masters, which now I think about it was the same for every step of the pyramid. Um…
Also by outside you mean “on the bottom.”
The social pyramid of ancient Portugal may not have been fair but it grouped the people successfully
And by successfully you mean “look how purty it all looks on paper.”
After this he GOES ON to desecrate religion, music and culture, but I don’t think I have the heart to continue. Also, I have Grant to torture. Let it be noted that after the state and church split (kind of. Portugal is still, by organization, a Catholic country and religion is taught in public schools) “they became two large landowners.” According to that page. I think though after that it reaches the level of wrong where “it’s not even funny.” So, I’m going to go play with Grant. Meanwhile, have fun with a glimpse into this amazing parallel world.*
*By amazing the management means REALLY stupid. I mean, apparently the Portuguese university first founded in Coimbra (I graduated from the branch of same institution in Porto) was the oldest university in… Latin America. Boy, that commute was killer.