*With apologies to number 3 son by adoption for putting this up so late. It’s been interesting around here for over 24 hours. As in multiple handymen, fridge-stopping working, husband injuring himself “interesting”. Thanks for your patience. – SAH*
I Am Excite – David Pascoe
No, not really. Well, sorta-kinda. I’ve been struggling a bit (more than a bit, really) with what I think is subclinical depression, brought on by, well, a lot of factors. Wee Dave being the Prime Mover (at least for this). Caring for a child is a lot of work, and while I understand that it gets easier – again, sorta kinda – as you add more of the adorable, little, psychic vampires, that doesn’t really help when you’re not certain whether the light down there is the end of the tunnel, or a train.
I want to call this subclinical (I’m honest enough to say I’m not certain one way or the other) in part because I don’t want to deal with the consequences of my brain not working right. Acute, rather than chronic, would be a heck of a lot easier to deal with. Sufficient rest (heh), ditto exercise (extremely important for endorphin production), proper nutrition (red meat, chocolate, cigars and whisk(e)y, check) I’m at a point where I’m trying to figure out things I’ve forgotten. Like how to relax. I’m really not sure what the feels like, anymore.
One of my most useful coping mechanisms is actually writing. Specifically fiction, though writing this post (and others like it (I’m working on more of the Star Wars/space opera related ones, I promise)) are also helpful, just to a lesser degree. I suspect it has to do with how men are wired, versus women, and how I am wired, specifically. The Daily Grind is just that, but when you perform the same tasks, day in and day out, and “well, the Creature survived, and so did I,” is the best thing you’ve got at the end of the day? This is survival, and surviving is good. But I want thriving. I need more than adequate.
As an aside, I’m told I need to get over myself a bit. Writing at all is a win, when Daddy is my primary job description, (more) objectively speaking. I’m making a stitching horse so I can make some footwear that won’t make my knees hurt at the end of the day. I built a Travel Writing Rig based on a Raspberry Pi fitted into a Pelican camera case (expect the write-up at the MGC during LibertyCon, as that Friday is mine) just so I could take my mechanical keyboard anywhere, and get use out of it.
So I’m doing things. And, honestly, listing stuff out like this helps. A lot. It gets me excited, which is really the whole point. If relaxation (not sleep: that’s just unconsciousness. Ok, not just unconsciousness (sorry, Robert, Speaker), but it doesn’t lower stress levels- ok, it does, but that’s not what I’m after) seems unavailable, then boosting mood through rediscovery of the awesome parts of life seems like a solid Plan B. And that’s part of what the whole previous paragraph was about. I’m working toward remembering what excites me. And not just in a “gets the blood pressure up, and the mind focused,” manner. If that was all I wanted, I’d read about politics. (Seriously, the GOP didn’t feel the super secret trade stupidity was worth fighting? We had to rely on Pelosi?! HulkSMASH)
E3 is … well, I think it’s ongoing, actually. At least, Bethesda Softworks had a showcase last night at the Dolby Theater in LA, and revealed a bunch of stuff. There was gameplay footage of the new DOOM game, announcements about Dishonored 2 and something about the Elder Scrolls Online (which I’ve avoided, despite my love of that particular world: I just don’t have time to devote to MMOs. Or sanity, speaking of the Daily Grind), and finally, a bunch of stuff about Fallout 4, which was only announced a couple of weeks ago. It looks amazing, and I’ve been watching the videos all morning. And I am excite. A lot. There’s speculation that this one’ll be set in Boston (just looked it up: yup, in Boston) and one of the videos has footage of a flying USS Constitution (I. MUST. HAVE). The setting isn’t washed out green and gray like Fallout3, or the desert of New Vegas. This looks gorgeous, and the Fallout setting has been one I’ve greatly enjoyed since the first one in 1998.
Which, really, is precisely what I’m after, here. I’m excited. I feel energized, in a way that I haven’t for quite a while, and I’m working to figure out how to keep that up. Or at least visit that place on a more regular basis. Unfortunately, Fallout 4 won’t be available until November, but there’ll be a few things happening between now and then that I imagine could be used as leverage to enjoy life a bit more than has been the case for the last … while.
Now, I’m still fairly young for a- for a whatever-it-is (long story), and I’m working through all of this from a teeny-tiny, little control station deep inside my skull (more or less how an introvert moves through the world), so things are often at a bit of a remove. Real things, like people, nature, and life. I’ve been doing this long enough, though, to have it impressed upon that skull of mine that there are a few people out there with a better grasp on things than what I’ve got. Or at least more experience. (Hence the aforementioned “get over yerself, kid.”) I’m not exactly meaning to crowdsource my therapy to the Huns. Though I won’t be upset if something works better than what I’m doing these days (really, I just can’t afford to self-medicate with the Good Stuff.) What do y’all do? Or, what have you done in the past that’s worked well?