So I’m Sitting Here…

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

Trying to do a blog post, and faced with the fact that I’m in a very weird mood and also really, really tired.

For instance, the first idea was to write a short story called The Dino Who Loved me.  This is because my husband was looking for an excuse to buy dinos from the modelling site.  Also because of course when faced with dino-porn, my mind goes instead to a spy story with dinosaurs.

You see, dinosaurs left the world in a spaceship, but now want to see if it’s safe to come back, and then send T-Bond.  James T-Bond.  He belongs to a species of dino that hasn’t been found yet, and is roughly man-sized.  After various surgeries, he can pass as human, at least from the neck up.  From the neck down… let’s just say there are no T-Bond girls.

To make things worse, my son has the office next to mine, and is in a babbling mood.  Overheard, “I always was wildly attracted to aliens. But I didn’t make the cut and had to settle for a human.  I’m not saying I’m not happy, but sometimes I wish he had tentacles.”  Since he tends to mutter out what he’s writing, I’m wondering what kind of story will come out of his keyboard this week.

Oh, and yeah, we’re officially renting, while getting the old place ready to sell.  Right now it seems like an impossible endeavor, much less in the month till surgery.  But it must happen.

This means if you have business with me and I seem to be giving you the brush off, by forgetting to answer/forgetting to do something/forgetting my name, chances are I’ve been painting/cleaning/packing — just poke me again, this time with a sharp stick.  Seriously, if you don’t remind me, everything will be forgotten.

Oh, and, I have two books in the running in this.  If so inspired, go forth and vote.

 

The name is Bond, Dino Bond, and I prefer my humans chewed, not stirred.

115 thoughts on “So I’m Sitting Here…”

      1. Helm in the novels was always complaining about how silly Hollywood spies were back in the ’60s. I wonder if Hamilton was commenting in a roundabout away about the Dean Martin movies.

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          1. There’s a line in one novel I just love: “There’s no bore deadlier than a Marxist bore.”

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            1. I think I need to try the books. Always just assumed they were more or less like the movies, and gave ’em a pass.

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              1. Matt Helm in the books is the kind of cold bastard who will shoot through the hostage to kill the bad guy. VERY different. Quality is up and down, but generally ok for the genera. Slightly prefer Modesty Blaise.

                My favorite of the Bomd clone era is a series by Patrick O’Malley, each of which is THE AFFAIRE OF…..

                Best of the lot is THE AFFAIRE OF THE BUMBLING BRITON, which makes fun of Bond.

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                1. You are doing terrible things to my TBR pile. I know they’re cheesy, but my favorite of the movies was Flint.

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                  1. Of the spoofs, I agree that the two FLINT ones were the best. Avoid the early MODESTY BLAISE film at all costs. And I have a soft spot for tye David Niven CASINO ROYAL, if only for Mr. Niven as the original Sir James Bond saying of the “imitations” (i.e. Connery, etc) “It’s depressing that the term ‘secret agent’ has become synonymous with ‘sex maniac’.”

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                    1. The Niven film is a hoot, IIRC. Haven’t seen that one in years. Ever see the black and white made for TV film? Caught part of it once, but never saw the whole thing. Bond driving a Sunbeam, can you believe it?

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                    2. Ever see the black and white made for TV film?

                      Barry Nelson as James Bond, Peter Lorre as Le Chiffre. I’ve probably still got the VHS tape somewhere.

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                    3. The TV production is on my DVD of the Niven film. I’ve never watched more than a few moments, but I don’t find videos that are awful funny very often. Not even those that do it on purpose, often enough. There is so much out there that is at least craftsmanlike that I have scant patience with the godawful.

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              2. Titan Books is reprinting the series right now, so you should be able to find the first dozen or so in bookstores.

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              3. No closer than Fleming’s books are to any of the Bond movies, even the early ones. Dr No, You Only Live Twice, and Thunderball probably come closest, for certain values of close.

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                2. You Only Live Twice? About the only similarities are the Japanese setting and villain.

                  Dr. No to OMHMSS are the only ones until Casino Royale to actually resemble something Fleming wrote.

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  2. Maybe the Dino infiltrator is not a fiction story, I was in the store the other day and the guy in line in front of me had these really really rough and scaly patches of skin on his neck.

    After reading your post about Portugal, I thought about where you feel at home, and where you feel you fit. My father was born and raised in El Paso and during the Second World War he met and married a girl from Philadelphia. Towards the end of his life he mentioned to me in conversation that he had really wanted to return to Texas after the war. It seems trite to say that life is complicated, and love requires choices. But sometimes even the trite sayings are true.

    Thank you for the time and effort you spend in writing.

    John in Philly

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    1. Oh, good, you’re in Philly. For a moment there, I thought you were behind me and my psoriasis…

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  4. Hmmm. Must be something in the air. I’ve been daydreaming backstory about how True-dragons and HalfDragons founded the Houses on Earth.

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  5. Poke you again with a sharp stick? Oh, no, I learned that lesson by watching someone else poke a stick at a cornered mink. Once.

    It taught me that blast radius is a concept that should be applied to many things, not just explosives.

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      2. Never, ever, EVER poke something that has teeth larger than you with a stick. That’s a rule to live by right there.

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          1. Honey badgers are smaller than humans. You want to poke one with a stick? Wait until I’ve gotten into the land rover and gotten it started, thank you. I’ll watch from the next ridge over.

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        2. If you’re going to poke something with larger teeth than you with a sharp stick, make sure it’s a sturdy stick and you’re fully willing to go where that poking is GOING to lead.

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  6. “I always was wildly attracted to aliens. But I didn’t make the cut and had to settle for a human. I’m not saying I’m not happy, but sometimes I wish he had tentacles.”

    That has to be one of the most disturbing things I ever read since my Lovecraft years.

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  9. Don’t get me started on weird moods. I was having an innocent conversation last night and somehow the topic of flying trees came up. Now I keep looking out of the window for a flying tree. It’s obviously not coming, but I can’t help it and now I’m wondering.

    Why are the trees flying? Are they trying to get somewhere? Are they being sent somewhere? Is someone in control? Is it a random occurrence? Are there any benefits to trees that fly? Are there drawbacks beyond the obvious to flying trees? What happens to a bird when it makes a nest in a tree and the tree begins to fly? Do trees fly vertically since that’s how they grow, or is it easier for the tree to make itself horizontal and fly? Do trees take their roots systems with them when they fly or do the roots stay put?

    Ugh. I’m going to write a story here and I’m not even sure what it’s about or how the trees got involved.

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          1. Ghost loggers in the sky, harvesting the thin branches of the high cirrus forests for witch’s broomstick, and rolling thunder with the heavy nimbus logs that are loadbearing for flying fortresses… can’t you hear the mighty cracks and see the flash of their det cord when the heavens shake with falling rain and leaves from the crashing trees?

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            1. Dang it, now that’s going to pop (or float) up in the “urban” fantasy about the logging company. Arrrgh! Y’all are a bad influence on my brain, y’all really are.

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                    1. Well, now the Wild Hunt has just crossed the Atlantic along with other things. And the Native American who works for the logging company (secretary) is absolutely convinced that the white guys are nuts for not leaving Europe sooner, given all the bizarre creatures that must live there.

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    2. Well, seeds migrate by gliding, or by getting birds to ingest them. So in a really rough situation, maybe trees should fly. Or maybe it is a windy planet with atmosphere that is soupy.

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      1. Speaking of sons with wild imaginations, mine expresses his in a more physical form. Recently he’s been building flowers with spider legs. I don’t think he’s motorized any of them. Yet. They’d go well with flying trees.

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        1. My five year old says that a certain spot on the carpet is a button that takes you to Neverland. He covered it with a set of Mickey Mouse ears to keep it safe from Darth Vader.

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      1. I have not. I keep meaning to get into more Niven, but as Mount TBR is expanding as it is, I’m not sure when that’s going to be.

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    6. The Magnificent Migrating Mangroves of Mongo? Found in alkaline swamps in temperate zones across all continents of Mongo, the trees begin to pump ions out of their sap around the solstice. Just prior to the autumn equinox, the trees form huge buds as the roots uptake a large amount of sodium carbonate, found in the swamps they call home. The mineral reacts with the now acidic sap, producing hydrogen that causes the buds to balloon into huge, gold-hued translucent sacks. At the same time, the roots atrophy in the spoil already loosened from their rapid update of minerals, and the trees lift free of the soil, riding the chilling winds southward to a warmer clime.

      Once there, the buds burst, sending spores to the wind as the trees settle into their new home. The roots quickly burrow into the spoil and the process begins again, with trees budding and floating toward cooler weather in late spring.

      Each spring and fall brings shiploads of tourists to Mongo to observe the sky-darkening migration. However, most natives consider them – the trees and the tourists – as a nuisance. The trees for there’s nothing quite like vast clouds of flammable trees filled with acid to make you appreciate the advantages of living in orbit, and the tourists who are somehow convinced the MMMM are endangered, and protest all efforts of the natives to curb this noxious pest. The trees, not the tourists.

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  10. Sarah, I suspect your returning dinosaurs would find the Earth a bit chilly for their tastes. But they might find kangaroos disturbingly sexy. Nice soft fur instead of rough scales . . . You know, retunees might well avoid the big cities. Land in that nice warm desert and scope out some of the smaller settlements, learn the language, figure out how to fit in. Pity if the first house they entered had a pet roo, and they made a rather obvious assumption.

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    2. I just had a though about the dinos evil plot. Their trying to get the coal and oil companies to increase burning CO2 and manipulating the Greens to advocate the worst alternatives to actually increase CO2 and cut down forests in order to cause mass deforestation.

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    3. That puts a whole new spin on furries. I’m not sure if I should share this with some furry friends or not.

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        1. So they are a plushie, not a scaly?
          Is it sad I know these terms? I’m not even a furry.
          (Well, no more than any child of the eighties, what with all of the anthropomorphic cartoons we grew up on.)

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    1. Haz mail – a certified letter from any three-letter agency. Or a suspiciously heavy box from that relative who is not supposed to be allowed anywhere near a kitchen after the unfortunate incident at the family reunion that led to a large number of unexpected inheritances.

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  12. Also because of course when faced with dino-porn, my mind goes instead to a spy story with dinosaurs.

    Ah, yes. Fifty Shades of Green.

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  13. Since he tends to mutter out what he’s writing, I’m wondering what kind of story will come out of his keyboard this week.

    Sounds like an award winner.

    But I’m sure you’ll continue to love him anyway.

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    1. Oh, he turns out interesting things. Let’s see, vampiric shopping carts, dark fantasy based on the candyworld board game… ah! Start with the light stuff! Beer-loving cats and the end of the world!

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      1. Oh, he turns out interesting things.

        I know… but after our esteemed hostess was evoking images of the Nebula-award winning Dino short story and then mentioned the line about “wish[ing] he had tentacles”, is it any wonder I made the connection?

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  14. FWIW, Eric Garcia wrote 3 dinosaur detective novels; “Anonymous Rex”, “Casual Rex” and “Hot and Sweaty Rex”. There was a TV version that was pretty funny but only a couple of episodes aired. I remember the books and the video as being pretty well done. Needless to say, the dinos had to wear elaborate disguises to pass.

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  17. If you need dentures and have a need for Hollandaise on everything, “There’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

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