Is the new one of Kate’s Con Vampire mysteries, coming out soon from Naked Reader.  And while I loved ConVent, let me tell you, ConSensual is much better, partly because Kate is growing as a writer by leaps and bounds, partly because this one was created as a novel to be published, not as something to amuse the barflies by posting episodically on my conference in the bar.

I’d read ConSensual in first draft, but when I read it again last year, night before Fencon, it kept me awake till three in the morning, anyway.

So, since last night I spent the night having truly weird dreams, some of which featured you guys — like Celia Hayes was very upset because I hadn’t watered the snails growing rather sparsely on my wall, RES was making me study the work Jeronimous Bosch and was telling me there would be a test on Wednesday, Jason Cordova was trying to shame me into learning Spanish (!), CACS and Cyn were cooking mastodon in my kitchen (which is weird, since CACS can’t eat meat,) and were upset at me because I didn’t have any pots large enough for the stuffed leg, and I haven’t bought a new stove yet so the oven doesn’t work, and the rest of you seemed to be bumping around the house doing weird stuff — and since I’ve long held my friends responsible for that which they do in my dreams, I’m writing the post late today.

In the meantime, sashay over to Mad Genius Club, where Kate is holding a contest.  (You’d think she wouldn’t have the energy, given that she spent the night horrifying the college kids with limericks at the open mike cafe near my door, but some people refuse to admit to that which they do in my dreams. )

Here is what she says:

In celebration of Consensual’s release Real Soon Now, I have a competition.

Write a short – 2 paragraphs max – description of how you’d like to be redshirted in the Con vampire universe. Anything entered before midnight US Eastern Standard Time on Saturday 30th June will be eligible. The five suggestions that amuse me the most will be used in the next con Vampire book, and their creators will receive a free copy of ConSensual.

40 thoughts on “ConSensual

  1. I pushed the button on the fob. Then I heard a sound behind me. I turned to see the vampire. Instantly it had me in its thrall. I could not move to run. Or to push the button.

    It bared its fangs and drove them into my neck. I felt life draining away when the timer in the fob activated. The click of the igniter broke the vampire’s concentration freeing me. With my last strength I seized the vampire in a bear hug as the primary explosive filled the room with a gasoline aerosol. It shape-shifted into a mist, escaping my grasp, but too late to escape the fuel-air explosion.

  2. Oh dear. I haven’t met you, so I wonder what your dream mind based my presence upon. You have no reason to know, but, back when The Spouse and I were more social, I did have a terrible tendency of ending up in the kitchen at any gathering. I think I like the company you chose for me. And, yes, I do have trouble cooking what I cannot eat, since taste is one of the aspects of the art.

    1. I usually wind up in the kitchen at gatherings, too. I don’t often wind up in gatherings where there are discussions that I really am interested (though I have found that the SCA often has more interesting people, so I get into more conversations since I started going to their events), so I often wind up in the kitchen, where I can at least help out.

      1. Darn forgetfulness. I prefer to get notifications after the first run-through of the comments, but I usually forget to check the box.

  3. That would explain my dreamless sleep last night.

    I am honor bound to inform you that i am contractually limited* as to guest appearances in other people’s dreams, with no more than five (5) such visitations in any given fortnight with the following exceptions: immediate family – unlimited; friends and acquaintances – limit of five (5) per fortnight except as harbinger of doom and/or disaster, in which event unlimited during the three (3) nights immediately prior to predicted event(s); as character other than myself (e.g., zombie, vampire, other risen undead: once per four (4) week period, no more than twelve in any calender year.)

    *These limits do not apply to dreams of Dadaist nature.

  4. Oh wow – I think you got me – anyone want a mastodon roast? *snicker

    I dream a lot – but this morning I don’t remember the dream, but it usually is a cast of quirky characters.

  5. Some of my best stories have come from quirky dreams, so don’t diss ’em!

    We’ve gotta try for an auroch for our next dream. Butchering a 12-ton Mastodon is a chore! Besides, the leftovers…

      1. Well, you have to start when the mastodon is young, telling it how wonderful and special it is, then as it reaches adolescence you play up the mastodon’s natural resentments of others not according it special treatment. When it gets older you tell it that its lack of greater success is just because others are jealous of it and envy its ability to get “in” with the publishers …

        1. sheesh. She said JERKY, not Jerk…

          Now imagines a mastodon sitting on a sidewalk cafe in NYC, sipping espresso from a tiny cup and explaining how he aches, just aches, at all the TRASH being published indie… (Rolls eyes.) Mastodon jerk.

          1. Keyboard spew. I want a picture of this – I can just see it in the style of a New Yorker cartoon.

            1. I had a vision of the mastodons sitting at their al fresco table clad in black turtleneck sweaters, black trou, ballet slippers and smoking clove cigarettes. Maybe a beret and dark sunglasses on one?

    1. Take those mastodon back ribs and barbecue ’em and there won’t be no leftovers!!

      One thing I like about mastodon is you get plenty of sausage, enough to let you make the spicy and the mild. And then there’s mastodon scrapple and head cheese … and mastodon tongue makes great deli fare!

        1. Of course we can, Cyn. This is a dream — all things are possible!

          Being a pig farmer at one time, I’ve MADE scrapple and head cheese, cleaned chitlins, cooked sweetbreads, cut bacon, and all the other things that comes with not wasting anything useful from a hog (or a cow). It’s a little harder to do with a mastodon. Think 40-pound livers, eleven-pound hearts, enough intestines to make 40 yards of sausage, and all the other different ways of not wasting Nature’s bounty. Not to mention a three-foot-long, six-inch thick tongue. 8^) Wonder what you could do with the trunk…

          1. Wonder what you could do with the trunk…”

            Beat someone who tried to serve me liver?

            On a more serious note (for certian values of serious) I would have to get a bigger sausage stuffer in order to use mastodon intestines.

      1. Just remember to leave the brains alone. We don’t know if Mastodons had any kind of brain-degenerating prion disease, like Mad Cow.

        1. Two weeks? More likely, a year, if you used it all. Consider: a 1200 pound steer will dress down to about 850 pounds of meat, which will last the average family about three or four months, if they ate no other meat. Mastodons weighed in at about twelve TONS – 24,000 pounds. Even at 60% useful meat, that’s 14,000 POUNDS of meat. Just consider how many 21-cu-ft freezers it would take to preserve it… 8^)

          1. Ah, but the leftovers need to be divided between all the people present.

            How pounds per cubic foot of mastadon meat? Is it denser than beef, because it is compressed by the great mass of meat on top of it? 🙂

            1. Mmmmmm … think of the soup you could make with that bone marrow. Cook it down to a nice thick broth …

              1. You do realize your going to have to clean a 55 gallon drum, to use as soup pot, simply so you fit the soupbones in it.

                1. You could probably rent a commercial kitchen – I used to work in a bar that had previously been a buffet restaurant. They had cookpots (standalone, with their own heating elements and mounted on pivots) that were approximately the size of a 55-gallon drum on the inside. I shudder to think what they cost…

            2. Bearcat — rule of thumb is that a cubic foot of beef is about 12 to 14 pounds, depending on the fat content. IIRC, mastodon meat has more fat than ordinary beef, so I’d say about 11 pound per cubic foot. A mastodon would therefore break down into about 1300 cubic feet of meat. That would fill about 65 21cf freezers – JUST with mastodon. That’s a lot of hamburger, roast, steaks, ribs, flank steaks, sausage, neck bones, and more. That’s about enough to feed a battalion for five or six days, if they’re REALLY hungry.

  6. [sigh] Probably a bad time to admit: I haven’t yet read the first one — couldn’t find a hardcopy (yes, I do my casual reading from paper; you have a problem with that?). Will NRP be re-releasing _Con Vent_ along with _Con Sensual_?

    1. ConVent hasn’t been released in hardcopy as yet. I don’t know NRP’s plans on that.

  7. I started to post a comment here, and got that dreaded “Whoops” message again. Basically I wanted to thank all of you for a very good laugh (both from here and from “The Map and the Journey” post), and another book idea. This one’s flowing a lot easier than the “male prostitute” idea, and I’ve got 14 chapters outlined already. I’ll make it available to all of you (that want it) when I finish. That may be a couple of months — I’m still working on editing two novels, and writing three more. This, by the way, happens to me: I get a half-dozen ideas, write the books, edit them, and then go through a dry spell for a year or more. Then I do it all over again. Oh, well, it’s fun!

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