The anti-hooman wave

Update: No, that workshop post isn’t here, and it doesn’t mean I played an April Fools joke on my readers.  I meant to post the workshop post on Mad Genius Club, but I haven’t had enough caffeine.  If you’re here for that post go to Mad Genius Club.

Good morning oppressed children of story and plot; inglorious workers in the vine of words!  I bring portentous news.  Your brothers and sisters, the rodents, are on your side.

You probably thought the Rodent Liberation Front was merely a flourish of – running dog of literary imperialism and gender traitor – Sarah A. Hoyt’s imagination in Gentleman Takes A Chance.  You were wrong!  We exist.  Struggling and nibbling at the margins of society, we have formed our plan to take over the world one nut at a time.

This being so, it will not surprise you to know that we found it necessary to reclaim for the people the property heretofore known as According To Hoyt or Sarah A. Hoyt’s Blog.  First, because it was being self-evidently written by a nut, second because many of the regulars appeared to be nuts, third because it often strayed into the field of science fiction which is, you might call it, a nut rich environment.

Since our primary goal is the redistribution of nuts to those who grow them, harvest them, own them, steal them, we had to claim this blog as the glorious conquest of the RLF.

Now that the blog is ours we enjoy enjoin you to forget the nonsense about a human wave.  You will never be anything as individuals.  The purpose of the individual is to serve the greater good of the state.

Join the RLF.  Like us, you are oppressed and downtrodden.  Think of all the people who don’t like your books.  Think of the evil corporation Amazon who sells your book in mere electrons, instead of comforting paper.  Think of all the poor publishers, who shall perish without your work and money.

Like us you are fond of nuts.  You are our natural allies.  In the collective, you shall write exactly what we tell you to – think of the joy of not having to think for yourselves – and you shall be free to share your royalties with us.

The nuts, united, shall never be defeated.  Talent to those who don’t have it! Redistribute the benefits of the writing, not the writing work.

Together we shall win!

Squirrel Castro

PS -Ignore the thumpings from the basement.  Sarah A. Hoyt is securely tied fit to be tied enjoying a lovely time at a reeducation camp

33 responses to “The anti-hooman wave

  1. ppaulshoward

    To the RLF,

    Thou shall immediately release Sarah Hoyt.

    If you do not, We shall unlease our fire lizard minions and harrass you through time and space.

    Signed,

    The Dragons of Pern.

  2. RLF please advise us of the following state of being. Have you been hit by satellite deployed energy weapons or have you been playing in Speaker’s Lab again. Just stay away from this Dwarf’s stash or fiery or not, I’ll be scraping you and yours from the bottom of me boots.

    [img]https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s320x320/532355_10150595897951595_609576594_9273527_1139516852_n.jpg[/img]

  3. Is this one of yours? [img] https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s320x320/532355_10150595897951595_609576594_9273527_1139516852_n.jpg%5B/img\ If’n so, keep em away from me codpiece, me booze and if’n yall wants tah stay alive…away from the Speaker’s lab. But feel free to go hug a Penguin.

  4. Larry Patterson

    LMAO!

    As my wife always is saying, “If I wasn’t crazy, I’d go insane.”

  5. Martin L. Shoemaker

    I had some weird dreams last night.

    Looks like maybe I’m having another one…

  6. And who says the real truth in history is not told by the works of literary minds?

    You are so right.

  7. I think this is what’s called Community Organizing.

  8. callanprimer

    Dear Comrade in the revolution Castro! I salute your struggles against the nut-hoarding oppressors! If you just tell me where your next meeting is, I will gladly turn up and give you all my worldly possessions to further this cause!

    Yours in revolution,

    Kali’s beagle.

  9. Kitteh-Dragon

    Release Sarah! Or face the flying claws of Kitteh-Dragon!!!!

  10. I was laughing so hard I fell of my chair.
    A kindly rodent offered to tie me to it so I didn’t do that again.

    Cyn

  11. Four score and seven hours ago our Supreme Nut returned to this world an old idea, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all stories are not created equal.
    Now we are engaged in a great civil discourse, testing whether that idea, or any idea, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of publishing. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their nuts that that idea might be lost. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
    But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave nuts, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to write or erase. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they wrote here. It is for us the writer nuts, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished subgenre which they who wrote here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored writers we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of ink—that we here highly resolve that these writers shall not have written in vain—that this genre shall have a new birth of freedom—and that stories of the nuts, by the nuts, for the nuts, and glorifying the nuts shall not perish from the universe.

    • The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here…

      This line of your beautifully liberated, recycled and repurposed speech has always disturbed me.

      • I think it was a pretty accurate description of most political speeches of the day. Can you quote large swaths of the other three speeches given on that same day, in that same place?

      • Martin L. Shoemaker

        Clearly somebody hasn’t listened to Bob Newhart’s Lincoln routine.

        • ::giggle fits:: What are you wearing? A cardigan?! Abe, Abe, put the shawl on..
          ::giggle fits::

        • The Spouse says: Yes, I am familiar with the routine, but have been distracted by the effort to spread the Chrysler Building with bananas. (Emily, I’ve just had the strangest dream.)

          No, it was that I always had to work hard to keep a straight face as we came to that line. I mean here we were memorizing these very words, and few if any in the class knew much of the history. (And the speech was atypically short for the time.)

  12. Dear RLF,

    I have a Jack Russell Terrier. Approach at your own peril.

    -Wayne

  13. Pam, is that your view in (ahem) a nutshell?

    And it’s very clear from the constant line-outs in the post that the RLF is but a front for the dreaded galactic corporate behemoth, Rent-a-Rodent. They’re everywhere, I tell you! Everywhere! Squirrels, mice, capybaras, squonks — you name it. They hide everywhere!

    And just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

  14. [seen marching past the Diner: Wave upon wave of heavily-armed, Annoyed-looking beavers; playing in the background is “Uprising” by Sabaton….] >:)

  15. You will get my nuts when you pry them from my cold dead hands.

    • Melvyn Barker

      I need brain bleach quickly. That image of you clutching your nuts protectively in your hands is just a little too vivid.

      • I’m going to second Melvyn on this. My eyes, my eyes. Where did I put those grapefruit spoons?

        • My apologies for the trauma induced, but really that pun was just too obvious to leave unaddressed and I was surprised no one had made it already. Talk about your low-hanging fruit …

          • Martin L. Shoemaker

            Enough! Enough! We surrender!

            • YES! Here Martin, here’s a white flag. Okay, maybe it’s my bra. Don’t look closely. Just wave it. Maybe he’ll stop.

              • (Walking in on the scene.) Ah, people … to quote Ricky: Lucy you got some ‘splainin’ to do

                • I developed the ability to remove my bra without taking off my clothes because if Portugal has bra fitting, my mom didn’t know about it. Often by five PM it was remove the bra or die. (Also, until recently only I knew when I wasn’t wearing one — yeah, yeah, time is a horrible thing to happen to a nice girl.) I didn’t find out until watching — of all things — an episode of friends that this is considered sexy here.
                  And my bra is the only white thing I have on today. I was that desperate! (Even the dish towel is striped. Not that I’m wearing that.)
                  Oh, heck. I’m going to get some more caffeine.

                  • Sadly, over time gravity wins.

                    • There is no gravity, gravity is an illusion. The world sucks. As you get older it gets suckier.

                      Which is handy as otherwise we’d all fly off into space.

  16. Martin L. Shoemaker

    RES’s low-hanging fruit… Your bra… I thought I was in a writing forum, but I appear to have wandered into the TMI Zone. Does that make me Burgess Meredith, or Jack Klugman?

  17. …and you shall be free to share your royalties with us.

    I believe you meant to say: you shall be freed by sharing your royalties with us. Freed from the oppressive burden of becoming a helot:

    All right. You’re walking along, not a nickel in your jeans, your free as the wind, nobody bothers ya. Hundreds of people pass you by in every line of business: shoes, hats, automobiles, radios, everything, and there all nice lovable people and they lets you alone, is that right? Then you get a hold of some dough and what happens, all those nice sweet lovable people become helots, a lotta heels. They begin to creep up on ya, trying to sell ya something: they get long claws and they get a stranglehold on ya, and you squirm and you duck and you holler and you try to push them away but you haven’t got the chance. They gots ya. First thing ya know you own things, a car for instance, now your whole life is messed up with alot more stuff: you get license fees and number plates and gas and oil and taxes and insurance and identification cards and letters and bills and flat tires and dents and traffic tickets and motorcycle cops and tickets and courtrooms and lawers and fines and… a million and one other things. What happens? You’re not the free and happy guy you used to be. You need to have money to pay for all those things, so you go after what the other fellas got. There you are, you’re a helot yourself.