On The Unreal State of Ohio

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

Recently I’ve come to realize — through extensive deep dives into the craziest internet nuthouses — that Ohio is not in fact a real state.

This was slightly disturbing since that’s where I graduated high school and met my husband.

Actually looking at that map above, I should have figured something was up. I mean I met MY HUSBAND in a state that is — look at it — vaguely in the shape of a heart. This is not even vaguely plausible.

And also, honestly, it’s the stuff associated with Ohio that makes you wonder what is going on. Because in what but an unreal state would a RIVER catch fire?

So this day of all days, I decided to do a little investigative journalism on the state — or lack thereof — of Ohio.

I spoke to several highly suspicious characters who claim some kind of relationship with Ohio.

The first was a gentleman in trench coat and dark sunglasses who was standing by a dark car in a parking lot that looked like someone had been breaking and stealing the asphalt.

Honestly, he looked like such a shady character, I got to it immediately. “When did you first realize Ohio wasn’t real?

He looked at me a long while and answered,

What?

I wasn’t about to let him off that easy, so I continued: Does the unreality of Ohio bother you?

Nah, I grew up in IA and Ohio was one of those back east schools that filled out our schedule when not playing someone important like Iowa State or Purdue

So, where do you actually live? Kentucky or Indiana?

Classified.

Are there a lot of birds there?

Shhhh….they’re listening

I was about to thank him and leave — fast — when we were approached by… Well…. I’m fairly sure it was a well known writer, one whose middle initials are R. R. Except he looked like he’d acquired a soul since the last time I’d seen him in person and he assured me he wasn’t that writer but a much better one. He gave his name as Fuzzy.

He said he’d always suspected that Ohio wasn’t real because gas was so much cheaper there than in his state of Indiana. The problem is that you have to use it all up before you reach the border, otherwise it disappears on the border.

This led me to wonder whether Ohio was a sort of fairyland.

At which point the first — very suspicious — character said he thought it was maybe a realm of dark elves, because who else thinks of putting Mediterranean spices on ground beef, put it on either hotdogs or…. pasta? and call it chilli? That’s an abomination of such an order that if they were real Texas would probably already have mounted a punitive expedition against them.

At this point a wild Canadian appeared. He was the strangest Canadian with a maple leaf on his chest painted over with stars and stripes. He said he was on a pilgrimage to find a new dwelling place, but when he drove to the US for the first time, one moment he was Michigan then he was in Kentucky and had three hours missing. So he understood the unreality of Ohio.

Which is when George– I mean Fuzzy. I swear that’s what I meant — broke in with: What are the creatures that are supposed to be under the mantle, like the Deep Sevens under the ocean? I’m spacing. But Ohio is a creation of theirs, for whatever nefarious purposes they might have. What would the native Americans have to say about it? Have they ever been to Ohio, which doesn’t exist?

The guy in the dark sunglasses and trenchcoat leaned forward and said, urgently, in a hushed whisper. “No, No. ok listen, I’m only saying this once so they don’t find me, Ohio was created as a cover story to hide the location of Hanger 18…can’t say anymore, I think they’re coming….you never heard of me or saw me, right?”

And then he disappeared. Just. One minute he was there, the next he was gone.

But the twitchy Canadian grabbed my sleeve. “It’s true. I have proof.” And slipped me the world’s grubbiest picture. Who even prints photos anymore?


By then I was thoroughly spooked and got out of there fast, having decided I’d just interview the mathematician, who spent some time in Ohio growing up and also went to college there.

Investigative journalism starts at home, on the comfy sofa, with a bowl of popcorn.

So once more I dove right into it.

When did you first realize Ohio wasn’t real?

I’ve always thought Ohio was a microcosm of the US: The north west was wild and playful, the North East was industrial and overcrowded, the South East was farmland and good old boys and the South West is mostly empty except this one pocket of technology at the southwest extreme. After a while I realized that was a little too pat.

Does it bother you that Ohio isn’t real?

They say that all the cells in your body are replaced over seven years, so a case could be made that the memories of Ohio are an illusion, which would fit with the idea that we’re all living in a simulation.

Have you ever considered the excess of snow is designed to hide the fact that Ohio is not a real state?


You mean Ohio is a state of matter like solid and liquid?

Did Ohio have a lot of birds?


Squirrels. They ate the birds. I don’t remember birds. Just squirrels.


Are the squirrels real?

I don’t know I haven’t seen black squirrels anywhere else. There’s a lot of black squirrels. They might be CIA drones.

Of course, doubting Ohio made me doubt my own existence.

So you also are a construct by the CIA? Is that what you’re confessing to?

I can neither confirm nor deny.

Um… So I’m sitting here, with my bowl of popcorn and suddenly I’m worried about Ohio, about constructs, about the nature of reality.

But more importantly, is the Mathematician a construct of the CIA? I mean I should have guessed something was up when he had a name two letters off from the main character I invented for my space opera series when I was fourteen.

… The birds have gone very quiet.

If I disappear, look in Ohio. Which doesn’t exist.

135 thoughts on “On The Unreal State of Ohio”

  2. Guys, the Air Force is a conspiracy.

    Think about it, why would we want to split off the Army Air Corps? At the policy level during WWII, Army leadership of aviation was perfectly balanced and had no bugs.

    Ira Eaker is living still, and is directing the conspiracy of Army officers pretending to be the Air Force from an office in Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

    Edwards and so forth are all fake installations, all of the ‘Air Force’ pilot training, and all of the fixed wing vehicle development actually takes place at Fort Rucker.

    Wright-Patterson AFB does not actually exist, those documents are forged at Aberdeen Proving Grounds.

    Have you ever met anyone who has seen Hill, Robins, or Tinker AFB? The buildings don’t exist, they are cardboard cutouts.

    The ICBMs, the B-2, the B-52, the C-130, and the F-15 are actually all handled in upstate New York.

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      1. I drove by Space Command, back when it was a single (?) building on Perterson ARB in Colorado Springs. Now it’s its own military branch, top-heavy with DEI chiefs and conspicuously short of worker-Indians.

        I dunno. Maybe Space Command’s purpose is simply to have a place to put DEI officers where they would do less damage than in a real branch.

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    2. The Reader has been to Hill, Robbins and Tinker multiple times. He notes that Tinker is odd. It might have something to do with the peak power output of the AWACS radar.

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      1. There’s an SR-71 on display at Warner-Robins. I put greasy fingerprints on it.

        Driving through OKC once, the police had Interstate 40 blocked off as it passed through Tinker. Big sections of fence had been removed, and the USAF was taxiing some B-52s from north to south across the freeway.

        Most of the drivers seemed angry at being delayed. I got out of the truck and sat on the hood to watch. I had forgotten how BIG a BUFF is. They were a quarter mile away, but the cars at the head of the line gave them scale.

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    1. I may or may not have worked in Willoughby, Ohio for 20 years. I could tell you, but (redacted by Ohio Space Program operatives).

      Cincinnati chili is a problem, but the reason Texas hasn’t mounted a punitive expedition is (redacted by Ohio Space Program).

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      1. Hey!

        Ohio cuisine is AWESOME!

        Have you tried Cincinnati chili? It totally rocks. And does NOT give you heartbutn.

        And the hot dogs in Toledo! Tony Paco has to be visited to be believed.

        Think of Ohio as Brigade in. It only surfaces periodically, between winter snowstorms, spring thunderstorms, summer high winds and tornados, and harvest time.

        When you do experience Ohio, you want to stay forever.

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      2. I’m in Colorado, where it’s spelled chile and served over eggs, burritos, or hamburgers. That said, I like me some Skyline…whatever it is.

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        1. over … hamburgers

          In Arkansas, they call that a “chili size” for some reason. A local mom-n-pop restaurant used to serve them. They don’t look particularly appetizing, but I liked them a lot after I tried one.

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        1. There’s much worse than beans for Texas to worry about.

          In several places I’ve encountered “chili” that lacked the basic ingredient: chilis. Just beans in tomato sauce, not appreciably different from canned “pork and beans.”

          Then there’s the whole “pizza without marinara sauce” thing. No, alfredo sauce is not an option. Without marinara it’s not pizza, Q.E.D. I expect “pizza without cheese” will pop up Real Soon Now…

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            1. Could that be called a Californication of the fifth kind?
              You know a Californication of the first kind would be adding avocado’s or something like that.

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              1. Chile in Colorado and New Mexico has no beans. Roasted chiles, tomatillos, onions, garlic, comino, spices. Make with pork shoulder as a main dish,

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          2. My daughter does not like marinara. We’ve made pizza with garlic-infused olive oil and it’s very good. I’ve also seen pesto-based pizzas.

            Plus Indian crossover pizzas. Those are fun. Need a more spongy crust to really shine, though.

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            1. I exclusively eat Pizzas with cauliflower crusts, ‘cheese’ that is not a dairy product (so it is a fake synthetic product), and real meat.

              No sauce.

              I like Tomato ketchup, but a lot of other tomato based substances I do not care for.

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              1. We have gotten “light sauce”, as in almost none, for decades. Add extra cheese to compensate. Why? I couldn’t tolerate tomato sauces. Fine for limited fresh tomatoes, but not the acidic sauces. Now I’ve been cut off from pizza crust (bread in general). The cauliflower crusts? Um, no thank you.

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  4. Wait a minute! I live here………… or is that just part of a false reality? Maybe those of us here are just living in a false front hiding access to another world?……. I’m confused, am I real? Maybe more coffee will help.

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    1. On behalf of my rabidly pro-Michigan wife, we believe Ohio is real.

      I asked her once if Michigan had plans to re-take Toledo.

      “No,” she replied, “We’d never get rid of the stink.”

      —

      The honest crypto-geographer must admit that Belgium is fake as well.

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      2. Ohio’s State Constitution was written in 1802 – but Congress “forgot” to pass the resolution ratifying it.
        From 1803 -> 1953 it was Schrodinger’s State.
        Eisenhower got Congress to ratify in 1953 because proposed Interstate Highways 70, 80, 90, 71 & 75 all purportedly passed through Ohio…

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  6. In Michigan there’s a saying:

    “Oh how I hate Ohio – ‘state?'”

    Bear in mind that Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Minnesota, and Wisconsin were all spun off from Ohio, leaving only a gaping void in the cosmos.

    And when you look long into an abyss, you find Cleveland.

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    1. “We don’t give a damn for the whole state of Michigan/The whole state of Michigan/The whole state of Michigan/We don’t give a damn for the whole state of Michigan/We’re from (redacted by Ohio Space Program operatives)”

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  7. Keep in mind the great John Denver, who chronicled much of the geography of the United States, explicitly denies the existence of Ohio in his song “Saturday Night In Toledo, Ohio (Is Like Being Nowhere At All)”.

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      3. “I hope Neil Young will remember / A Southern man don’t need him around anyhow!”

        I’m neither Southern nor a man, but I will adopt that identity for this purpose.

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      1. I entirely forgot about the date, and just figured you found the jest astoundingly funny for some reason.

        I would blame sleep issues, but I feel it is fairly evident that I can have significant oversights well rested and otherwise in full possession of my wits.

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    4. Google Maps assures me that Toledo is 76.7 miles from Hell. OTOH, it’s only 395 miles from Paradise. Or 2296 miles, depending on your definition of Paradise.

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  16. The twitchy Canadian drove back north in the winter, and the weather went from no snow in sight while driving through Kentucky, to suddenly snow falling and all over the ground as I crossed into Michigan. Yet strangely there was no transition. It was very weird.

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      1. Oh, I know Indiana is real. My best friend lived in Indianapolis from 1980-2004. They followed her husband’s job to Boston, MA. I drove out once a month because she had kids and I didn’t. It was 108 miles driveway to driveway, as I lived in the NW part of Dayton, and she lived in E Indianapolis.

        Before Indiana did Daylight Savings time, I used to joke that they stayed on ‘real’ time, and the rest of the country went on ‘fake’ time.

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        1. Before Indiana went to statewide daylight savings time , they had three time zones during the summer.

          It was county option for daylight savings time.

          The northwest, near Chicago,and the southwest, around Evansville, are in the Central time zone. The rest of the state is in the Eastern time zone.

          The northwestern counties used daylight savings time. So did a set in the southeast, near Cincinnati.

          The result: the southeast was Eastern Daylight time, UTC+4, the bulk of the state was either Eastern standard time or Central Daylight time, both UTC+5, as the southwest used Central Standard time, UTC+6.

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    3. Of course Indiana is real. We would go there to visit my grandparents when I was a child. But they would always caution us to stay away from the beach on Indiana’s east coast. Funny goings on, they said.

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  19. Canada isn’t real. I mean, have you seen those wacky AI videos that have been trending the last week? No way that’s an actual country.

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  22. I used to drive for a living, for a time. I’ve seen signs that say “Welcome to Ohio” and “Ohio- 210mi,” even “now leaving Ohio.” I have met people that have claimed to have seen Ohio. I have driven from the Southern Appalachians to the Great Lakes region.

    I have not seen Ohio, though. As such things go, it sits comfortably amongst things unseen by me, such as Bigfoot, Cthulu, commercially available fusion, peak oil, climate change, magic spells, Narnia (though I looked for it a bunch as a child around amazing attic and basement spaces, no dice), and on-internet trolls.

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  24. Alas, Ohio is real. It just doesn’t exist in this universe. It’s one of the reasons why they transport toxic chemicals from Indiana to Pennsylvania so often, the hazardous materials don’t actually pass through U.S. states that way. Why do you think Buttigieg was so unconcerned when the train derailed and spilled all that waste? Not our universe. Too bad, so sad for the minions in the parallel one, but then they don’t vote in OUR elections.

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  25. I’ve mentioned the popular Ohio post card that had a fake mountain in the background. Now it all makes sense! It wasn’t just the mountain! It was *EVERYTHING*!

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  30. Ohio may, or may not exist. I have, however, driven on the interstate across that section of the planet labeled as such by Rand McNally.

    I can assure you the rancid condition of the rest areas on that forlorn stretch of interstate is all too real.

    If hades has rest areas, they are Made in Ohio.

    Abandon all Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

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    2. From what I’ve read the up part was pretty solid – It’s the uncrispy down part that is at question.

      Godspeed, diverse crew of four!!!!

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      1. so the moon could be easy to find at night

        Right?!

        Just like you would shoot for the sun during the day. Of course it’s hot so, better to land at night.

        With the moon, better to land at night, lest the cheese is all sticky and gets on your landing gear.

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          1. Just wait until they get to the dark side of the moon, where there is no light …

            As long as they don’t suddenly turn left. The pictures the media shows the projected slingshot around the moon has the ship entering the slingshot from the left of the moon, and swinging clockwise, so at the backside turning left would be not-good. If the media has lied to us (not ruling this out), and the ship will be slingshotting counterclockwise, then turning right at the backside of the moon would be ill-advised.

            As far as having a woman on the team, since there are no compass directions to worry about, the team will be just fine.

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  35. While it wasn’t on April 1, I fondly recall the time my beloved convinced my father (who loved pulling my leg) that the armadillo was an endangered species in the state of Florida.

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    1. Knew a guy who used armadillos to measure potholes, worked for the state of Texas. They’d call him up and he’d ask how many armadillos would it take to fill it. If it was more than two he’d fill it, less than two and he’d tell them to call back when it got to two.

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  38. One of the musicals we did in High School was Wonderful Town. A recurring song was

    Why o Why o Whyo?

    Why did I ever leave Ohio?

    I have not been able to get that out of my head all day. Thanks a lot. Only song I remember from that one. We did How to Succeed in Business, South Pacific and I have the whole libretto memorized.

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  39. As someone who lived there first seventeen years in Dayton, I can assure you that Southwest Ohio exists. I cannot vouch for any other area. And I have proof, Dayton is mentioned in the movie Road House.

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      1. Yep, there have been at least three movies set in Wakanda.

        Try finding it on a Real World map of Africa. [Very Big Crazy Grin]

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      2. Well yes, but Jungle Jim’s International Grocery is not far from Dayton. It really does need to be seen. (The skinned rattlesnake in plastic wrap at the meat counter was…interesting).

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  40. Okay, aside on a totally awesome Japanese thing today from Driscoll over on Insty:

    “Cheese violence” (チーズの暴力 / chīzu no bōryoku [CHEE-zoo no BOH-ryoh-koo])

    I am a ‘merkun and I endorse this concept.

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  41. If Ohio is fading in and out like Brigadoon that would actually explain since I do live in Ohio. I can also neither confirm or deny that I have been to Hanger 18 which may or may not be in King’s Island amusement park somewhere in Ohio.

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  42. https://twitchy.com/brettt/2026/04/01/april-fools-day-fun-police-introduce-elite-unit-of-sausage-dogs-n2426717

    As hilarious as this is, dachshunds were bred for underground and narrow spaces. Someone on X did point out that they have been used as drug sniffing dogs.

    Small dogs are used by search and rescue after earthquakes to locate victims underground after larger dogs have indicated possible survivors.

    Small dogs are used as service dogs for medical and non-weight bearing mobility tasks. Smaller dogs aren’t usually going to be used to take down anyone larger than a small child.

    A pack of small dogs, where the perp is confined, have tripped and mobbed adults; one even got laughed at in court when complained of dangerous dogs. The sign at the gate, the perp lept over, with a sign the perp ignored/laughed-at, read “Chihuahuas on Duty”.

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