Camel Spider Coffee- a guest post by King Harv’s Imperial Coffees

*I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to resist these King Harv enormously fun posts. In fact, as we enter the hopefully final week of getting this house ready to sell, and moving our stuff, I have asked friends to design a little logo that will be on the side bar of this blog in future times… because it’s true I mean, I am still hoping to have Bowl of Red, the fourth Shifter out in October, as well as the reissues of Darkships. Oh, an The Long Purr Goodbye, which is the first of the uplifted cat books (Don’t panic. That will be followed by the second of Deep Pink: Deep Water. Because the “short novel” series will all alternate. Yes, Rhodes #2 probably in December.)

In fact under my own dictum for promoting those who support us, I’m talking to King Harv about possibilities of mutual promotion. A friend has suggested a King Harv Coffee Writing Contest (coffee being the prize, of course) and perhaps in future King Harv Coffee anthologies, in which the stories mention or revolve around or take place in their extensive coffee plantations in every known universe and some unknown ones. Anyway… I’ll get out of the way of the caffeinated tale. And go paint cabinets. Oh, joy! – SAH*

Camel Spider Coffee- a guest post by King Harv’s Imperial Coffees

Camel Spider Coffee

The True Tale of King Harv’s Most Unusual Coffee

Everybody loves Camel Spiders.  At least that’s what I read at the university. So with no consideration at all for my personal safety I flew deep into the unforgiving desert, looking to meet these delightful creatures.

Now we all buy those plush Camel Spider toys for our children. And who doesn’t hang those comforting black velvet paintings in our tea rooms? Outside of the desert however, it is little known that Camel Spiders absolutely adore coffee, which they sadly have to steal from anywhere they can.  Few are the natives who don’t have a story to tell of dark noises in the night, burlap bags being torn open, webs spraying about, and then the pitter patter of 8 legs dragging something heavy out the door.  Editors Note: They usually only use 6 legs for walking, but coffee is heavy…

My job as principal coffee explorer for King Harv’s Imperial Coffees was to get to the bottom of all this.  Were the spiders consuming the coffee?  Drinking it?  Changing it?  To track them down, I first headed to see the village elder, a Mister Jirezinko, and asked for his assistance.  Jerizenko eyed me closely, never blinking, with one bloodshot eye as black as the soul of a used car warranty salesman. The other eye was not an eye at all.  It was the largest single coffee bean I’d ever seen, and from the looks of it it had been roasted recently.  A clue indeed!

Elder Jirezinko led me to the house of a Spanish explorer named Habanero, who had last seen the camel spiders.  Habanero had marked out the trail where the spiders had last traveled with their loot. And for a small fee, he agreed to lead me on a treacherous voyage into the unknown realm of the camel spiders.

5 Days and 5 nights we trudged through the sands.  5 Days and 5 nights without food and water.  Habanero refused to bring both. It was fortunate that I had a few large Charleston Grey watermelons in my backpack, or things might have gotten grim. On the sixth day, amazingly, my cell phone rang.  I picked it up immediately, pressed answer, and started to hear the long drawn out sales pitch that my 20 year old car warranty was about to expire, and I really should take them up on their offer.  I quickly hung up and put it out of my mind.  I would contemplate the warranty on a different day.

The seventh day was when I saw it.  A distant oasis, protected by a wall of cemented predigested coffee beans.  Just the tops of some trees were visible.  And the noise of thousands of camel spiders.

I reached into my backpack, past the melted dark chocolate Kit Kat bars, beyond the stack of automobile warranty books, and there, just to the right of the last watermelon, was my portable espresso maker.  So I began making espresso using some wonderful Malaysian Liberica beans from King Harv’s Imperial Coffees,, one of many many great and exotic coffees from King Harv’s with always free shipping. Such a selection!  But I digress…

The aroma of the espresso was incredible, and as I predicted, slowly, cautiously, the leader of the camel spiders crawled out of a hidden break in the wall, and clicked its chelicerae in a welcoming pattern.  I motioned Habanero to proceed, but he refused. No matter.  This was my investigation. A private investigation. I would go alone.

I walked slowly and carefully towards the wall of chewed coffee beans, and saw the slanted entrance that the spider had used to lure me in.  Once inside the walls, I beheld a sight never seen by a non-solifugae, the secret Camel Spider Coffee Plantation!  They had not been stealing coffee to eat or drink after all, but to build these walls to hide and protect their sacred coffee plants. Thousands of eyes stared at me, seeming to bore into my soul.  An annoying clicking sound was heard in the back, but it was quickly subdued by the other spiders.  I turned towards the aging arachnid leader, where I saw she had scratched out some words in the sand, and gestured me to read them.  “Hi Bill”  it said.  Flattered, I corrected her that my name is David, and after the equivalent of an arachnid muttering fit and a look of exasperation, she rewrote the message, this time correctly.

She then quickly wrote a longer, more detailed message.  “All these coffee trees are yours, except for your mocha.  Attempt no harvesting there.”

This sounded more than fair to me, and a deal was made.  In exchange for harvesting rights, King Harv’s Imperial Coffees granted the arachnids perpetual rights to our roaster coffee bean chaff and residue, which they considered a delicacy. Hot dang they were happy.  I was even invited to do the Spider Coffee dance with a few of the females, but remembering Adam West, I politely held off.

And now my tale has been told, and you too know the origin of the incredibly unique Camel Spider coffee from King Harv’s.  High in caffeine, earthy in taste, with notes of tobacco in the finish, you’d definitely walk a mile for a Camel Spider Coffee.

King Harv’s Imperial Coffees

28 thoughts on “Camel Spider Coffee- a guest post by King Harv’s Imperial Coffees

  1. Snort.

    Now see what you did. Coffee all over my keyboard. Oh well, maybe that will flush out the cat hair.

    1. You too, huh? I’m always fishing white cat hair out of mine thanks to a certain Balinese mix not being able to stay off my desk…

  2. Unpaid testimonial. After the last King Harv post, I ordered the planetary sampler for MomRed’s birthday. She loves the coffees. The flavors are good, not overwhelming, and King Harv tossed in a bonus bag of something.

    Highly recommend.

  3. Do not sleep near the Camel Spiders. They will eat your nose and ears in the night. Their venom is a highly effective anesthetic, so you won’t even feel it.

    1. Spiders,why is it always spiders? Couldn’t it be butterflies or kitties? King Harv’s Orange Sand Cat Mocca Blend how about?

      1. But if it’s a sand cat blend, do you know hard it’d be to find? Chasing up and down the dunes, your only clue being a few faint pawprints blown away by the wind…

        Although, it’d be an interesting invisibility potion. Makes the user almost invisible, and when spotted, they must roll 2d20 to resist Stun(ning cuteness)

  4. Dang it, the last time you posted I meant to order some of the Cameroonian coffee for my husband, and then spaced it.

    And now it’s part of the Sept. special! Must be meant to be.

  5. This thoughtful essay led me to do at least four minutes of careful research concerning camel spiders.

    After checking the National Geographic article, the All Things Nature take on them,,, etc., I found that while they do have curious and interesting chelicerae that they do not, in spite of rumor, have sixteen camel toes.

  6. They do have a lot of fun with their coffee names, don’t they? Makes me wish coffee wasn’t a nightmare for my stomach, especially considering how much caffeine clears up my brain fog…

  7. Woah, nice healthy camel spider, or wind scorpion as we called ’em… I let them (and wolf spiders) live in my house in the desert, cuz they killed all the black widows…

  8. Been a huge fan of Mars blend since the first post – tried Jupiter once and switched back to Mars – now I’m going to give this Camel Spider a go …

  9. This tale of spiders, coffee and the desert brings back fond memories of camping on a sandy beach with my best friend. One morning we awoke and my friend discovered that a large spider had lodged deep in his ear. Nothing we could think of worked to remove the spider and as we were on an island there was no medical facility to go to. In the end we just went about our morning and our morning coffee induced the spider to leave his ear.

    True story. I now camp with a bulb aspiration device, just in case.

  10. Forgive me, oh BBESP, but after shuddering my way past the illustration and forcing myself to read (ok, and chuckle a bit over) the guest post, I will, with humble gratitude for my safe deliverance from spiders of any animal persuasion, return to sipping my third cup of Nuwara Eliya Kenmare Estate Ceylon tea. Perhaps next I will indulge in a pot of VAHDAM™ Assam Summer Tea, an FTGFOP (Far Too Good For Ordinary People) grade from India that is dark, malty, delicious and not named for a spider.

    You are most welcome to the Harv coffees. 😉

      1. King Harv should consider sourcing some high grade teas. Americans are rarely exposed to them. My ex was a tea fanatic. But I love coffee, especially Kenya AA.

        1. I miss coffee. Lots.

          I must instead console myself with tea. Black tea, blends with blueberry and green teas, not white teas, and never with milk. Just have to watch the caffeine intake. Dratted body, excluding me from the good things in life!

  11. I don’t suppose the King Harv’s folks have ever run into Ziltoid the Omniscient? He does love himself a good cup of coffee…

  12. These camel spiders…one humpers, or two humpers???? (Inquiring people want to KNOW!)
    I’ve never ingested coffee. I’m a tea man. 20 years in the AF, 8 of them in holes in the ground, and no coffee on or over my lips. Yess, I’m a teabagger.

    1. I couldn’t drink coffee, not more than about half a cup of military coffee, even when I was on the night shift and had to stay awake – it made my stomach hurt. Strictly a strong tea person, myself. Wagh Bakri International Blend for the win!

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