*This is beyond horribly late, partly because I spaced my morning ADD meds which happened because Havey cat had intestinal issues all over the bed spread. When you wake with the bed covered in poo, it turns your day into a mad race to get the bed de-pooified, followed by a mad race to get the cat who is still spreading…. er… stuff around with what got attached to his fur. So, if you want to blame the following post on someone, blame it on the cat. Also, the lateness of it. Let’s put it this way, I’ve JUST showered and had breakfast, because the little so and so hid, and spread the joy in the process….*
So, you want to join a conspiracy! I get it. It’s the done thing. Anyone who has been part of blog life since the early 2000s knows that sooner or later you get accused of being a shill for some vast conspiracy that secretly runs the world.
Since my favorite scene of Grosse Pointe Blank is when the character confesses his avocation and the old friend asks him if the job comes with a dental plan, I decided the benefits and pay are the crucial thing of every conspiracy. So, I’ll go with it. Feel free to add any I miss, as this is typed in haste:
Vast Right Wing Conspiracy – Guys, I don’t think this one is real. Sorry. But the individualists failed to organize. There is probably a plan for paying people, but the two founding members never agreed on what to pay them, what to pay them for, or in fact where the money is coming from.
International Zionist Conspiracy – I’ve gotten accused of working for them so often, that I think I have some insight: they pay by check (I’ve never gotten one, alas) and if you manage to reach them they tell you the check is in the mail.
I understand if you level up, you get to become a banker? the owner of most of the world’s resources???? Not sure. As I said, I’ve never actually got the check.
Illuminati – Judging from their spam, they make you very very rich, but weirdly their email and phone is based in Nigeria. No word on health care. I’m going to assume it’s some guy named Ngumbumbu and the mummified head of his grandfather. (Bonus for identifying that last reference.)
Opus Dei – pays in Spanish gold doubloons from the Vatican basement. (You usually get a premium on them at your old coin store.) At first, you’ll think you just joined a sort of lay order, with strict regulations on your behavior and commands for mutual aid. BUT after you level up, you get the command of albino assassins and also the opportunity to avail yourself of medical and surgical care. Don’t do the later. It’s administered by a guy named Guido, and your only chance of survival is fervent prayer.
The Knights Templar – We understand they pay in ancient artifacts from the city of Jerusalem. They have an exercise program that consists of riding horses while in armor and hefting very heavy swords. We’re not precisely sure what they do, because when asked they answer “everything.”
Communism international – only considered a conspiracy because people refuse to see it happening right under their noses, even when told it’s happening right under their noses.
Pay – very good. Initially it will get you advancement out of proportion to ability in all established left-leaning fields. For about a century it has been a ticket to riches in literature, the arts, music, teaching, and more recently it’s reaching into politics and science.
Advice is to get while the getting is good. Because come the revolution, most of the initial agents are first against the wall (see Trotsky) and after that only the very few get paid. For the majority, it’s a conspiracy to die for.
The Deep State – the schrodinger conspiracy, at once denied and thanked by the left (see above.) Pay – other people’s taxes. Health care plan – very good.
Downside – you’d best learn to swim or you’ll sink like a stone, for the times, they are achanging.
The Clinton conspiracy – I know nothing that will lead to the arrest and conviction of Hillary Clinton or anyone associated with her. And I can’t even reach the back of my head, much less shoot myself there three times.
The lizard being conspiracy – See entry immediately above.