So, you want to join a conspiracy!


*This is beyond horribly late, partly because I spaced my morning ADD meds which happened because Havey cat had intestinal issues all over the bed spread. When you wake with the bed covered in poo, it turns your day into a mad race to get the bed de-pooified, followed by a mad race to get the cat who is still spreading…. er… stuff around with what got attached to his fur. So, if you want to blame the following post on someone, blame it on the cat. Also, the lateness of it. Let’s put it this way, I’ve JUST showered and had breakfast, because the little so and so hid, and spread the joy in the process….*

So, you want to join a conspiracy!  I get it. It’s the done thing. Anyone who has been part of  blog life since the early 2000s knows that sooner or later you get accused of being a shill for some vast conspiracy that secretly runs the world.

Since my favorite scene of Grosse Pointe Blank is when the character confesses his avocation and the old friend asks him if the job comes with a dental plan, I decided the benefits and pay are the crucial thing of every conspiracy. So, I’ll go with it. Feel free to add any I miss, as this is typed in haste:

Vast Right Wing Conspiracy – Guys, I don’t think this one is real. Sorry. But the individualists failed to organize. There is probably a plan for paying people, but the two founding members never agreed on what to pay them, what to pay them for, or in fact where the money is coming from.

International Zionist Conspiracy – I’ve gotten accused of working for them so often, that I think I have some insight: they pay by check (I’ve never gotten one, alas) and if you manage to reach them they tell you the check is in the mail.

I understand if you level up, you get to become a banker? the owner of most of the world’s resources???? Not sure.  As I said, I’ve never actually got the check.

Illuminati – Judging from their spam, they make you very very rich, but weirdly their email and phone is based in Nigeria. No word on health care. I’m going to assume it’s some guy named Ngumbumbu and the mummified head of his grandfather. (Bonus for identifying that last reference.)

Opus Dei – pays in Spanish gold doubloons from the Vatican basement. (You usually get a premium on them at your old coin store.) At first, you’ll think you just joined a sort of lay order, with strict regulations on your behavior and commands for mutual aid. BUT after you level up, you get the command of albino assassins and also the opportunity to avail yourself of medical and surgical care. Don’t do the later. It’s administered by a guy named Guido, and your only chance of survival is fervent prayer.

The Knights Templar – We understand they pay in ancient artifacts from the city of Jerusalem. They have an exercise program that consists of riding horses while in armor and hefting very heavy swords. We’re not precisely sure what they do, because when asked they answer “everything.”

Communism international – only considered a conspiracy because people refuse to see it happening right under their noses, even when told it’s happening right under their noses.
Pay – very good. Initially it will get you advancement out of proportion to ability in all established left-leaning fields. For about a century it has been a ticket to riches in literature, the arts, music, teaching, and more recently it’s reaching into politics and science.
Advice is to get while the getting is good. Because come the revolution, most of the initial agents are first against the wall (see Trotsky) and after that only the very few get paid. For the majority, it’s a conspiracy to die for.

The Deep State – the schrodinger conspiracy, at once denied and thanked by the left (see above.)  Pay – other people’s taxes. Health care plan – very good.
Downside – you’d best learn to swim or you’ll sink like a stone, for the times, they are achanging.

The Clinton conspiracy – I know nothing that will lead to the arrest and conviction of Hillary Clinton or anyone associated with her. And I can’t even reach the back of my head, much less shoot myself there three times.

The lizard being conspiracy – See entry immediately above.


214 thoughts on “So, you want to join a conspiracy!

  1. And then there’s “Big Oil,” which pays people to deny anthropogenic global warming, er climate change, er whatever. Like the Zionists, they pay by check, none of which have ever arrived at my address.

    Oh, and don’t forget that the Masonic Order is a direct off-shoot of the Templars. If you look carefully, behind the third panel next to the main elevators in every Shriners’ Hospital, you’ll find a replica of the Holy Sepulcher that leads directly to the current Templars H.Q. [With profound apologies to Katherine Kurz]

    1. Or anything you want to claim is a deep, dark conspiracy: Just add “Big” in front of it.

    2. *gigglesnort*

      We skipped the Knights Templar Christmas Celebration again this year-two hours on snowy roads to get to the Commandant. (Did I spell that right? I think so . . .) Because, like the Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine (founded in 1870, naturally, so very ancient) there is a Masonic-related order called The United Religious, Military, and Masonic Orders of the Temple and of St. John of Jerusalem, Palestine, Rhodes, and Malta. I think I got that straight. Not to be confused with the historical Knights Templar in any case.

      Confused yet? Oh, goody! So’s everyone.

      However, the (modern) Knights Templar have a hundred years, give or take, maybe, on the Shriners, while the Freemasons have four-hundred-ish (for a rather squishy value of -ish) on the Templars, so . . . whatever chronology floats your boat! Should be Freemasons–>other orders associated, but that hardly makes for a good story.

      By the way, if you wish to join the Illuminati, send a SASE to my sons, care of me, and $1.50 to offset printing. They were bored a few summers ago and decided something as fun as the Illuminati ought to exist. You get a certificate with a badly photocopied pyramid with the All-Seeing Eye of God from a dollar bill printed on it (you know how fast that goes through color ink cartridges? That’s why you have to pay). Use to annoy family by posting around the house and informing them that the Illuminati are watching them.

      1. In Europe, the Order of St. Johns (and the modern Teutonic Knights [Deutsche Ordnung}) are the volunteer ambulance service. I have to fight off a little giggle at the thought of the owners of Malbork/Marienburg Castle now working as paramedics. (No, there’s not a direct connection, but it’s fun to imagine.)

      2. The Discordians use the The Secret Order of Master Fans to attack to control the Biker Gangs.

        I remember that “Illuminati” game!

        1. I played the original version, before the advent of collectible card games. Lots of fun, when you could get more than three players. Never played the ‘collectible’ version much. It looked like it had the *gigglesnort* factor dialed up to 11.

            1. But afaik, the original didn’t have a card that said you controlled all card games… including the one that you were playing.


              Some of the original cards are likely out of date. For instance, while I don’t remember the exact list, the California card had a weird mix of conservative and odd traits that fit back when the game was published. Nowadays, though…

    3. I was going to mention the Masons. Between my FIL who is a Mason and my MIL who is Jewish, I seem to be missing out on all benefits of being related to a conspiracy. Must be a screw up in HR. Again.

      1. Maternal grandparents were Masonic & Eastern Star. Maternal Uncle is Masonic. Dad was a Mason & Shriner, Mom is Eastern Star & I don’t know how many off shoots of *Shriner. I “got” to participate in Jobs Daughters. Technically I’m a deferred member of **Eastern Star (had to keep grandma happy). Would have rather stayed in Girl Scouts or better yet joined the high adventure with the ***Boy Scouts.

        Oh, wait … that is why the checks aren’t flowing my way … instead my $$$ tend to flow to the Shriner’s Hospital, Diabetic Research, Burn Centers, etc.

        * To be fair, mom is now 85, she’s backing a little off of some of them. If only because they’ve either folded or merged with others & she just can’t keep up the pace anymore.

        ** Yes. Grew up watching parades of formals, sometimes everyone had different ones, sometimes they all had the same, not to mention the tuxes of all the men. Ask me how many formals I actually own? (Hint: NONE)

        *** Wasn’t allowed then. Wasn’t, & not currently, exactly girlly/girlly, I am female.

      2. Don’t feel bad. My paternal grandfather, Raymond H. Houst, was the Grand Master of The Grand Council of Cryptic Masons of the State of New York from 1963-64. That man knew EVERYONE in NYS politics. Benefits to me? Absolute zero. And no, I’m not a Mason. On the other hand, I can honestly say I got where I am today on my own.

        – – –

        Would the Occupy XYZ movement be considered part of International Communism, or would they be considered independent local hired ID10ts?

        1. This is IRL “connections” with good families, I swear.

          Looking at my grandparents– big in the masons, richest folks in the county, etc etc– I should have BEEN something.

          Nope! I was just recognizable with even my dad not having a name, just a “hey, you’re so and so’s son/nephew, right?”

          Note: not bitchin’ here, I think it reflects a good aspect of that side of the family. Stand or fall on your own, you get help when you’re hurt.

            1. Dad is old, and lives in a very private sphere now, so I don’t.
              I wonder, though, now I’m losing weight if I will again. Our features are basically the same, with mine being a little softer.
              THE BEST moment possibly in my life, though, was when mom and I were in a shop, while younger son waited outside, and an old friend of the family came in to see mom. Mom was like “HOW did you know I was here?”
              “I saw little Antonio out front.”
              My son is not named Antonio, but he’s my male clone, and therefore looks astonishingly like dad. Since the man went on to say “I didn’t know you had a grandson that young” because the village has largely forgotten me, that was the icing on the cake.
              Unlike me — whom a childhood friend characterized as a perfect blend of mom and dad in personality (hint, the mom side is the one that yells and gets bent out of shape at politics, dad being calm and philosophical) — son is also almost exactly my dad, including his interest in visual arts and engineering.

          1. Scotch-Irish is an ethnic identification in American history. Scots borderers displaced to Ireland as colonial foot soldiers, then immigrated to the United States.

            Forex, the Quakers in Pennsylvania were pacifists, and tried to attract Scotch-Irish settlers on their marches as a security force.

            The Scots converted to Protestantism, the Church of Scotland’s US offshoots are the Presbyterians. The Irish, of course, remained Catholic.

            Ireland’s independence today is evidence that the Scots were not quite tough enough to finish the job.

            So, yeah, might be a wee bit offensive.

            1. Also, the much more recent folks– like the wave ~100 years back I have relates from– pretty much do the “if it ain’t Scottish, it ain’t ****” rule.

              They’re a little, um, personally flexible– my grandmother HATED the English, but married an Englishman, hated the Catholics, but watched EWTN her last 10-15 years because they were less wrong than anybody else around– but there is DEFINITELY a Thing.

              Calling one Irish is slightly less bad than calling them English, but only slightly.

              1. Funny how my mother’s side of the family never bothered to correct people’s assumption that they were of Scottish descent. But it was only recently that I learned they were Lewis descended from the Llewellyns of Wales; and apparently nobody ever admitted to being Welch.

  2. It seems clear that accommodations for Havey’s infirmity will have to be incorporated ito your customary lifestyle. You’ve my sympathy for this, having experienced such feline elderlyness in my own house.

    I understand that plastic tarps are available at Lowes, Home Depot, Wallmart and hardware/painting supply stores nationwide. Alternatively, you might invest in cheap readily washable bed covers with recognition that every morning will entail stripping them from the bed and running them through the washer.

    1. Havey is actually NOT old. So we’re going to have to figure out what’s going on.
      The covers are both cheap and washable. I just didn’t count on dealing with it right now.

      1. For what little it’s worth, our vet told us we can use appropriate-sized doses of Imodium for Canine Quickstep. In our case (50 pound dogs), it’s 3 to 5 ml of goop, depending on severity. Poor critters have a hard time adjusting to wild temperature swings, AKA winter in S Central Oregon.

        1. He’s indoor-only, so unless some purchased food was tainted…
          I suspect he got into human food OR while we were away from home to watch fireworks. I’d left a pan to soak, with SOAP and he’s that goofy, he might have decided to sample, anyway.

          1. Some parasites can be transmitted by mosquitos and other bugs, or small critters that sneak in and become cat playthings/snacks.

            I have had an indoor-only cat come down with intestinal worms.

              1. That could do it, as could mosquitoes or even eggs/larvae being dragged in on people’s shoes.

                Fleas for instance are notorious for getting inside that way and attacking purely indoor cats. It can happen with intestinal parasites as well, especially tapeworms.

          2. Some cheap Chinese stuff made it into market that was very bad for cats and dogs. Most of it got pulled, but maybe you missed the recall?

            1. Wait, that was years ago, wasn’t it?
              Also, he appears to be better (Hurray for pumpkin) so I think it was just Havey getting into something he shouldn’t.

              1. Sarah, my dog trainer won’t recommend anything made in China simply because their QC is crap and you literally have no idea what’s in it.

                1. I don’t think our food is from China. It’s a subsidiary of a thing that has a factory in Denver, and the only one not involved in the food that killed cats kidneys.
                  Of course, we CAN’T know if some ingredient is shipped from China. Who can?

  3. I actually have a “Vast, right wing conspiracy” book from back when I was in high school or so.

    Still haven’t read it, I know it’s with the Evil Overlord and How To Ninja books, though.

  4. administered by a guy named Guido

    So that is where Fr. Sarducci ended up after his turn undercover at NBC ended!

  5. There’s the Great NASA conspiracy, the one that says the Earth’s not flat and space is a real thing. They also run all the bird drones that replaced the real birds after they all died out during the Reagan Administration.

    1. So that’s whats roosting in all the artificial trees they put up after James Watt killed all the real ones!

        1. That explains the seg-fault when she faceplanted into the Secret Service detail van, then was quickly rebooted and working fine out on the sidewalk for the press so soon later.

          Though I’m not sure what a T-950 model does with all those boxes and boxes and boxes of Chardonnay that Huma keep fetching for her.

          1. What don’t you watch Futurama? Robots run on alcohol. That Chardonay is fuel. Also explains Nancy Pelosi. AHA another conspiracy of sorts, Skynet!!!

          2. That explains the seg-fault when she faceplanted into the Secret Service detail van, then was quickly rebooted and working fine out on the sidewalk for the press so soon later.

            Although I did detect a slight sound like “mrmee, mrmee, mrmee,mrmee…”

        2. Not a Terminator. Prototype “Westworld” robot, from before they had even started debugging the control code.

              1. Not sure, but she’s definitely not a Gen-3. Too obviously mechanical for that.

          1. Lordy, I hope She’s not a prototype for upstairs at the bar… Of course maybe we could get 500 of them made and shipped to Bill Clinton like harry mudd in I Mudd 🙂

            1. (Multiple voices) “William Jefferson Clinton! You no good….”

              “This is inhuman!!!”

    1. Object! None proper xenosaurian want be mistook to they corroded kleptopodia.
      (The true lizard people conspiracy is so small it barely even exists.)

          1. Government Employees Insurance Company, so by mere existence, it should deserve flogging.

      1. I opened up some book at the library about how America has lost its mind and the author stated — without any citations — that the lizard people conspiracy had it’s roots in the works of H. P. Lovecraft.

        Been reading Lovecraft for 30 years. That’s new to me.

          1. Sounds more likely. But this traditionally published and edited non-fiction book somehow screwed this up . . .

            1. Well, you know how it is — those almost a century ago fantastic pulp writers are all pretty much interchangeable.

          2. That was my recollection — Roy Thomas used it a lot at Marvel in the Seventies as an element in his Kull and Conan adaptations, and I’ve vague memories of it turning up in the Submariner comics, linked to Lemuria.

            If you cannot believe what you read in comic books I’m not sure I want to live in this reality.

          1. The real Neo-Nazis, such a the Aryan Brotherhood and other such groups regularly use the term lizard people to refer to Jews.

            1. I cannot be sure* but I believe t is also a favorite trope of Louis Farrakhan.

              *Being sure would require I pay more attention to his ravings than than I would to the lyrics of a song by The Archies, so it ain’t gonna happen.

            2. While it doesn’t surprise me, it had been the first time I’d heard of it. Which is a shame, because otherwise it’s a great term. Oh well. We can still call them Grays, right?

          1. but one story has a guy climbing deep into a (cave? temple?) and seeing lizard people stuff.

    2. Ask Martin Lloyd…

      Martin: I know all about Roswell, and the Kennedy cover-ups and the…
      Hammond: (fast-forwards) He goes on like that for a while.
      Martin: … and the CIA sanctioned microwave harassment and the…
      Hammond: (fast-forwards) Quite a while.
      Martin: …and the lizard people!

      (Can’t find a clip on You-Tube. Bummer.)

  6. Sad Puppies – a very loose organization of like minded folks who had the temerity to point out that the fix was in and the Hugo Awards were a fine old institution that had been co-opted by a pack of self serving scam artists.
    Hoyt’s Huns – shady pack of neer-do-wells owing a certain allegiance to a mid-list libertarian author, human wave exploration, and the promotion of independent publishing efforts.

      1. Sad Puppies is just a conspiracy to drive blog traffic for certain Hugo-nominated bloggers. 😉

  7. You left out Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children and their brother organization, The Big Green Rifle Club.Pay isn’t all that good, but you get to break a lotta stuff. Looks good on your resume when you get back to the Land of the Big PX.

      1. We used to chant, “Be all that you can be, if all you can be, is the Arrr-mee.” We never came up with somethin for the AF. Never considered them rivals, I guess.

        1. What about “Nothing can stop the Army Air Corp!” ?

          (Ending of the Air Force Song – starts “Off we go into the wild blue yonder.”

          1. There’s a somewhat insulting version of the Air Force Song known as “Junior Birdmen.” It apparently originated in the 1930s and has numerous variants, like any filk. I first encountered it in Audie Murphy’s combat biography [I]To Hell and Back[/I].

            1. Dad used to sing that one when I was small. (He’s Navy, served with the Marines.) Although it was nothing like the excoriation of SAC I heard from an instructor who had been WWII infantry, then ended up in TAC.

          2. We Marines had a fav song in jump school.
            “I don’t go out with girls anymore,
            I live a life of Danger.
            I sit in a tree and play with myself,
            Whee! Army Rangers!”
            to the tune of “Around the Mulberry Bush”
            The Blackhats* HATED it. 🙂

            * instructors at jump school. many 82nd and Rangers, called such for their distinctive headgear. Marine students at Jump School wage a low-level civil war with them, as they experience much prejudice and unequal treatment there.**
            **I think I just thought of a short story.

  8. Then there’s the Mainstream Media, which is always factual, never biased in their reporting and stocked with graduates of the finest J-Schools.

    1. …the finest J-Schools.

      The sad part is that they probably are the very best produced by J-Schools.

  9. There is (fnord) no such thing as a conspiracy (fnord)! Any indications you may (fnord) think you see to the contrary are (fnord) simply manifestations of tour own (fnord) overactive imagination.

  10. Dear Sarah, you should not insult the Wise Ngumbumbu.

    He was part of the team that took down the Demonic Magic, Inc.

    (As told by the Great Robert A. Heinlein) 😀

    1. Grumble Grumble

      While there was a Wise Witch-Doctor with the mummified head of his grandfather in Magic, Inc, he wasn’t called Ngumbumbu. 😦

          1. Dr. Worthington’s tribal name did not appear in print. And his true name was never revealed. It would have been dangerous should the wrong being learn of it.

  11. For those who enjoy this kind of thing:

    Robert Anton Wilson’s EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL: CONSPIRACIES, CULTS, AND COVER-UPS. I won’t assert it covers EVERY conspiracy, but it went into quite a few I’d never heard of, in an entertaining manner.

  12. *gets the giggles*
    It took her this long to remember I HAVE a series called “Conspiracies and Catholicism” that consists of actually looking at “everybody knows” type stuff.

    Spoiler: it’s mostly “oh hell no.”

  13. Then there is The Unnamed Conspiracy (unnamed because They Don’t Need A Name, They Know Who They Are) that publishes stories about “Great Conspiracies” in certain disreputable newspapers so that intelligent people laugh at the thought of Great Secret Conspiracies.

    That way, nobody suspects their existence. 😈 😈 😈 😈 😈 😈 😈 😈 😈 😈

    1. I did once have a story idea that The Conspiracy desperately wanted the public to think that there was an all-powerful force controlling the world because the alternative was too scary to think about. 😉

  14. I confess, I am reluctant to join any conspiracy whose standards are sufficiently low as to recruit me.

    1. Sets a bad precedent, it does. Unless its the SOML conspiracy- the only one conspiring to leave you the heck alone.

      So seriously secret, they don’t even tell you about it. You get drafted automatically and never get a check in the mail. No membership certificate. Absolutely no meetings or minutes. They kick you out when you go busybodying or suchlike.

      Or so I’ve heard.

  15. Oh, heck – I got accused on the old Open Salon website of being in the pay of … can’t remember, the Koch brothers, I think. When I tried there (OK, so there were some OS contributors who were open-minded or at least not chew-at-the-restraints-insane) to explain how the local Tea Party was organic, and self-funded (by passing the hat at meetings … I knew this because I was on the governing board as the media expert and one of those passing the damn hat!) … I got smeared as either stupid beyond words or a liar. Sigh. The more insane lib element at OS were absolutely convinced that some Deep Moneybags was funding the Tea Party.
    That it was actually a truly grass-roots, leaderless, and distributed insurgency … didn’t seem to be a concept that they could grasp. Pity. There were some intelligent people there at Open Salon, but the very dumbest and most racist of them apparently earned a gig at the Official Salon website, when the manger/editors pulled the plug on the Open Salon aspect.

    1. See, 90% of their worldview depends on not realizing that THEY are the ‘establishment’, and that reasonable people might rebel against them. And, since their worldview is a house of cards….

    2. That’s because all of THEIR “grassroots” movements are funded by big pockets organized by professional activists as adjuncts of the Democratic Party.

    3. The local Tea Party Groups in Northern Illinoisy’s worst enemies were the esetablishment GOP. They were worse than the lefties

  16. Wait, what about The Mom Conspiracy? You know, the one oppressing kids everywhere with “How did you know mom doesn’t let me do that at home?” and the “how do you know I had a snack before dinner?” and “How did you know I snuck out / was playing with those kids / was out past the boundaries of wherever I may roam / was up reading under the covers / was about to get into that / do the really cool forbidden thing….”

    Health benefits… do they *really* include eyes in the back of your head?

    1. Yes, they do especially when the Mom is a school teacher (like mine). 😀

    2. Or the Scoutmaster Conspiracy? You know the one, where the SM & ASM, seem to know about: Pam Spray & Match, Pine Cone Fights, midnight raids, knife peg, etc., for some reason there were generally almost always more activities during an outing than could get completed, or took the entire weekend to do. Overheard more than once “How do they know????” FWIW, earning Eagle, and their JASM status, they got clued in. “You do realize, I have no clue what might be going in those little male brains, but your SM & ASM do! Because, they were once 11 – 17 young men!” Left off, you guys were amateurs. One rule I had? The male scouters were NOT allowed to tell tales out their youth.

      FWIW. Guessing above applies to Girl Scouts, Campfire, & any other youth group, where not all parents are present, & youth is tasked with leadership. Just like puppies & dogs, non-structured = they will find something to do … adult supervisors do not want to be the ones running behind.

      1. I suppose maybe that was also behind the annoying Mandatory Fun activities during some summer programs I attended.

        (Given the otherwise academic focus, however, another distinct possibility is that they figured there was some obligation to drag us outdoors occasionally.)

        1. behind the annoying Mandatory Fun activities during some summer programs I attended.

          Do you have your own children or even a young active dog who must-have-a job-breed (any) now? If so, you have your answer. 🙂

          If not. Then Yes, duh.

      2. When I stepped down as SM of the local troop, several alumni showed up for the party and told me how it totally confused them how I was able to find out what they were up to until they had their own sons…..

  17. I am an ex-member (retired) of the Knights of the Underground (also, the Loyal Order Of Mole Men), (you can say “OK, Loomer” to me; I’m down with that) with 327 Knights underground. (I am disappointed with 327, as Chevys have 327 c.i. engines, and I grew up in a Ford family.) I’ll get over it, someday. Someday my Princess will come, too.

    1. Ah, yes, the Mole Men. Always new depths to sink to in their quest to undermine society.

  18. I suggest picking up Havey with a butterfly net on a long pole, squirting liquid soap over him, then inverting over the nearest large body of water.

  19. Big Pharma is a bunch of cheap [bleep]ers who have never paid me for protesting Scientology.

    Heck, I’d settle for some good drugs in lieu of money payment, but noooooo

  20. Just to reassure(?) everyone: There is NO “Minotaur Conspiracy.”

    As to what the Rodent Liberation Front is up to, that I do not know.
    I suspect, “no good” pretty much covers it, however. Though it might be “something silly’ instead. Sometimes it is hard to tell.

      1. How the heck did that happen?

        The quote is “ Long live the Boomer Revolution! Banzai! “

  21. My question to the hardcore conspiracy ravers I’ve encountered over the years (sometimes not stated out loud for reasons of decorum or tactical prudence) is: “If you know all of these deep dark secrets, how come you aren’t dead yet?”

    1. In fairness, if I were running a vast world-spanning conspiracy and some unhinged loon started ranting about it, I’d probably let him live. After all, if there was something to what he was saying, he’d be dead.

      1. The MMORPG Secret World has a conspiracy theorist who rants about the Illuminati. Said Illuminati – unbeknownst to him – has their secret HQ almost right next door. The Illuminati is aware of him but largely leaves him alone, aside from sticking a spy in his RPG group just in case.

  22. I’m proud to be a member of Mad Geniuses For a Better Tomorrow.

    And we’re accepting applications. You must, however, provide your own Jacob’s Ladder for your laboratory. Union rules.

  23. I confess, the idea of joining a conspiracy has a certain appeal but there are just so very many, how does one even know where to begin? Where will it be easiest to fit in, to contribute, to best develop one’s talents? So much decides on joining the right one, after all — nobody wants to invest fifty years in a conspiracy and then learn there was a better one just looking for somebody. How do you determine whether the conspiracy you’re considering has a good business plan, one designed to accommodate long-term growth and personal development?

    Is there one of those on-line tests I can take to determine what conspiracy is best for me? An MMPI designed to match conspirators with conspiracies? Perhaps a horoscope match, or an e-Harmony for conspiracies? Is there a Temp agency which can link you with expanding conspiracies and let you ensure a good match? Do these conspiracies offer internships, require dues, hold their secret meeting in inconvenient locations pr at odd times? What if you cannot get a sitter – do they provide day care or elder care? Is it on-site?

    It is impossible to over state the importance of finding a good match. When it comes time to unveil yourself to the world you want to know you’re associated with the cool conspiracists.

    1. OMG! Did you see what that vicious wallaby did to that poor, feeble joke? Just beat it to death, mercilessly and cruelly beat it into the ground.

        1. Me? ME!?

          I don’t know nothing. I was just standing on the corner minding my own business! I never saw that joke before in my life!

          I yam a bynnocent istander!

    2. All very good questions, RES. I think I’ll incorporate a bunch of them into a form and put them on my Facebook page for competitive bidding by conspiracies.

  24. I would note that the claims about The International Zionist Conspiracy pretty much refute themselves…

    If the “Zionists”, in conjunction with The Gnomes of Zurich, controlled all the worlds money, there’s no way they’d let so much money be concentrated in the hands of Islamic Governments with avowed goals of wiping out the Jews (& I’m sure Christianity is on the “to-do” list, just as a lower priority, ‘cos you’d take more effort), not to mention everyone else who publicly hates on or murders Jews would be flat broke.

    Always remember “The (more accurate) Golden Rule”, “He who has the gold, makes the rules!”.

  25. Back in the day, I had a bumpersticker that read, in Russian, “G-d bless the USA.” On the other bumper was one (from the same company) in Hebrew that said (loosely translated), “The world is run by a secret cabal to which, unfortunately, no one I know belongs.” I got a fair number of stares in parking lots. And grins and thumbs-up from readers of the two languages.

  26. To the extent that there are real conspiracies, aren’t they mostly spy rings, nepotism/crony networks, and criminal organizations? I mean, I don’t consider the Deep State a conspiracy, since it’s just the natural evolution of the Pendleton Act setting the precedent that you aren’t allowed to fire bureaucrats. (Since you aren’t allowed to fire them for ‘political reasons’ and you can’t prove a negative.) But the thing about people abusing hidden influence is, they get caught up in competing with each other for money/sex/power and self-limit the damage they can actually do to the cause of liberty.

    Evil inevitably erodes virtue away into venality. Anti-FA, etc., wouldn’t be so milquestoast if that weren’t the case.


    1. I have this perverse(?) notion that rather than trying to curtail bureaucrats websurfing for… prurient content, that it might better to ensure such content be readily available to them. Yes, it seems like wasted money, but if it keeps them from writing memos, etc. well…

    2. “But the thing about people abusing hidden influence is, they get caught up in competing with each other for money/sex/power and self-limit the damage they can actually do to the cause of liberty.”

      The problem with that argument is that the influence is never hidden. It quickly becomes obvious that the same set of rules YOU are forced to live by are not the ones that set of people is living by. Either you will observe it for yourself, or much more likely they will simply let slip the nature of the “good deal” they are getting. When that happens enough, one of two things WILL follow: you get told that yes, you are being held to a different set of rules, and you’ll like it, or you are brought into the “hidden rules” as long as you keep them hidden.

      When the first option is selected, you end up with Ceausescu, because enough people decide they won’t be treated that way. With the second one, you bring too many people in for the system to accommodate. A prime example of that is what we saw with the mortgage crash: lending standards were relaxed for certain groups, but people started realizing it and either claiming membership in ways the system COULDN’T check (what makes a person black? Is it a color chart on the wall, or “one-drop”? and how do you institute the check without being accused of raaaaacism) or simply daring the system to admit it’s reverse discrimination. The result is there were quickly no lending standards for ANYONE, and people who had no business with a mortgage were defaulting on them.

      Ironically, the increased awareness Sarah is touting as an antidote to Ceausescu is making that option more likely, because everyone is seeing that the rules are being selectively applied while being told they will like it and will never live long enough to see it stop.

      1. The real cause of the mortgage crisis was when Mortgage Lenders were allowed to bundle the Mortgages into investment blocks and sell them to other people. The Mortgage Lenders then made money Lending money with NO RISK. Whoever bought the investment blocks were taking the risk. No matter how bad the Mortgage was the lenders had no risk.

  27. Well, Sarah, this should put the cherry on the Sunday……

    1. She did that before (well it was the UK that time) and when she got pregnant or had health issues, flew back here.

      Also, the Portuguese should tax her at 90%

        1. Oh, she was back rather fast, though not nearly as fast as Depp who moved to France, and found car-b-ques as a nightly occurrence and other “youth” activities, just a bit too much.

      1. So, not even a big-shot leftie celebrity could get decent service out of British National Health.

        Now we just need a bunch more leftie celebrities to leave the country in protest and we might be getting somewhere.
        Mollari: “Perhaps it was something I said?”
        G’Kar: “Perhaps it is everything you say.”

        1. Years back there was a story from some journo who’s wife suffered a stroke in the UK and they went through the NHS, to a Private hospital, and once she was well enough flew back to the US. He said the NHS folk were nice, poor (nursing paid like $20,000/year in London where it costs $25-30,000 a year living expense, and they had nothing (he went and bought bleach and cleaned the room himself) and the room was shared (forget how many in the room). The private place, she was alone in the room, but really wasn’t a lot better, though the price wasn’t overly high either, and those in the know encouraged them to get back home ASAP.
          When they got home (NYC methinks) she again was in a shared room but had a top neurologist, and her roommate was a homeless woman who’d also had a stroke and had the very same doctor. (lending lie to the left’s rant about leaving people to die, you know, like the NHS does to those sitting in an ambulance) He isn’t one of those who are fans of NHS care being brought over here.

    2. It’s old. Wait till she has to face a disaster of some sort there.
      Of the various expatriates in Portugal the largest number ran back home when a wild fire overtook both a village and a crowded highway WITH NO WARNING OR EVACUATION FROM THE AUTHORITIES.
      or wait till she needs any kind of emergency care.
      Yeah. Buh Bye.

      1. Maybe she will become a fan of Green Acres and do a music video of the theme?

        Nyah — Lisa Douglas was better grounded than Madonna.

    1. Or the International Penguin Conspiracy…

      They would want you to launch Carp at them.

        1. No, no, it has nothing to do with Penguin Books.

          It was a panel at Westercon back in the 80’s, where we would debate whether the penguins were conspiring with nefarious humans to bring about the next Ice Age, while the dolphins were helping the Good Guys oppose them, because the dolphins wouldn’t want their oceans frozen over.

          It was hectic and ridiculous and loads of fun. I remember the mysterious shadowy figure Big Mallard was suspected as a mastermind…

          Of course, this was back in the days before Global Warming, when the climate scientists were convinced the next Ice Age was imminent.

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