Yesterday we went out to dinner, because we were celebrating a lot of things, and I was reminded I should also celebrate finishing the revision on Guardian. (Yes, it’s in Larry’s hands right now.) And then I realized I only finished that on Monday. Here I’ve been feeling like a total failure because I haven’t finished anything since I finished it, but I didn’t even take half a day off. (I did clean the house. It hadn’t happened in two weeks.)
In Jordan Peterson terms, I am a horrible employee and a worse boss, and I should just fire myself and find someone else to be me.
I don’t think I’m the only self-employed person whose boss is utterly unreasonable, and who keeps running long after she should have rested.
I think in fact it’s a compulsion of creatives to think we should be creating all the time.
Well, we’re in a time of transition for various reasons, and transition times are great for establishing new habits. So I’ve been thinking of what I’d like for my new habits (besides a walk a day, which is now doctor ordered.) and I think Saturday will be my publishing day (alas not this week, as I have three things ALMOST ready to go (note the almost) and perhaps work for PJ day. And Sunday I’ll take off. I haven’t taken a planned day off in years. I’ve taken days off because Dan kidnaps me and drags me off to the zoo or a museum or the botanic gardens, or just for a walk, but not planed ones. I don’t think there’s been a day since my 20s that I got up and said, “I can read or do whatever and no one cares.” So I want to experience that again, at least once a week. Mind you, what I end up doing might be taking a drawing pad out and drawing trees, or playing with Greek and Latin, but that’s still a day off.
We still need to figure out someone to do data entry for our taxes, so they don’t eat Dan’s life and writing time (yes, yes, I know, “people do that”. We just haven’t found anyone who does that. I mean, we’d pay but it has to be someone we trust and also we don’t want to pay accountant-money for data entry.)
Later, when boys are both off the pay rolls (one or two years, at most) we hope to offload some of the least fun stuff like data entry and house cleaning to someone we pay, just so we can have that day a week and maybe evenings off.
Because, yes, it took Jordan Peterson to make me understand that if I force myself to work all day every day with no reward, the me that works is going to “break.”
I was reading a book of Simak’s shorts, which comes with excerpts from his diary, and in it he talks of losing “something” in his writing from his early days to his middle years.
I too feel I lost something, some energy. However, I think that’s mostly because I’m perpetually harassed and overworked.
Yes, we still desperately need my money, but I’m — probably — not a machine. It’s time to schedule time off before “broken” becomes “destroyed”and my employee can’t do what I want me to do.
Anyway, all this to say, I’m an idiot and tend to overwork myself. Anyone else suffer from this?
And now I’m outahere because I have a pile of work, if want to take tomorrow off.