Ask the Mad Scientist! – by Sabrina Chase
Welcome to another episode of Ask the Mad Scientist, coming to you *live* from the underwater submarine base of Raison d’Ethray! Brought to you by the fine folks at Blue Glow, purveyors of fusion reactors, Cherenkov radiation sources, and other petawatt power supplies for every kind of lair. Remember, look for the Blue Glow!
First, the winner of last week’s Research Funding Proposal Obfuscation contest is “I.M.A. Tank”, for “Method for Rapid Tissue Sampling by Means of High-Density, High-Velocity Discrete Metal Devices of Uniform Size and Weight.” Enjoy the crate of lovely Penrose tiling for your lab, and remember to correct for windage!
Now, on to the mailbag. Our first communication comes via long-range gravitational pulses from the galactic core…
“Dear Mad Scientist and other Earthlings: Long time reader, first time invader. I am a big fan of your column, and I have decided I simply *must* invade your buccolic little blue-green planet on my next trip! I understand Tokyo is a popular destination for rampant destruction, but do you have any other recommendations that might be off the beaten track?
With respectful tentacle-wavings in your general direction, Cketpakgh”
Always nice to hear from a fan, especially out in the Galactic Core! I don’t want to rain on your invasion, but Tokyo is an example of what you will have to deal with. No matter how flat it gets pummelled, you may have noticed it gets built right back up very quickly. Even Godzilla is defenseless against the construction unions. There’s a reaon Earth is listed as a Class 12 Hazardous Planet, you know. Even our single-celled organisms are quite dangerous, and a wise Mad Scientist treats them with respect. Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most dangerous life-form here! There are certain planets in the Sol system, Cketpakgh, I would not advise you to invade–especially if this is your first. But *do* let us know when you decide to visit! The Death Ray and Orbital Cannon Club gets very excited when visitors come and always extends a very warm–if slightly radioactive–welcome.
And now from that hotbed of agricultural Mad Science, Kansas!
“Dear Mad Scientist. I want to keep my spherical cows healthy but I am afraid the inoculation shots will cause them to deflate. What should I do?”
Good question! And kudos for considering the welfare of your cows. Happy specimens make for reproducible experimental results! As long as you avoid the flotation bladder, injections are perfectly safe. Have your lab assistant grasp the tail firmly in one hand and tickle the very top of the head with the other. When the cow starts giggling, inject at the line between the shoulder blades to either side of the spine.
So, what other Mad Science issues are troubling your brains? (Including the brains in jars). Remember, there are no stupid questions in Mad Science!