Orvan Taurus’s Gift Guide For the Holidays

*Yes, I know it’s past Christmas, but I know what Huns are like.  Half of you — okay, half of me — are still giving gifts and will be till January.Besides, I loved this post.-SAH”

Orvan Taurus’s Gift Guide For the Holidays

The ACME Delivery Guide to Holiday Gift Giving

‘Tis the season to promote good cheer. It is said that it is better to give than to receive, but as someone of significant fame once wrote, “Aye, there’s the rub.” The problem is just what to give. Some people are fairly
easy to figure out, for example Speaker to Lab Animals is unlikely to be displeased with a bottle of singe malt scotch. But then there are those diffi.. er, hard to shop for folks.

While I cannot solve all your problems (if I could, you could, ox simple  beast, er, creature suited to simple problems) I can offer a few examples  that might prove enlightening, or failing that perhaps at least  entertaining. Looking at a selection of authors, there are some  possibilities.

Rick Boatwright: Mr. Boatwright has written of 1632 Amateur Radio and the  use of ‘older’ modern technology in a world where our obsolete is their futuristic, or even fantasy. And the name Boatwright does suggest something at least vaguely nautical, thus a classic ‘boat anchor’ of a radio: A Johnson Viking Valiant. Note: You are not likely to encounter one of these in “New In Box” condition. Expect rust.

Sabrina Chase: Only a submarine will do, not an elephant, nor a mule. Yes, only a submarine will do. And this is not a sandwich, neither. Suggest avoiding the nuclear option in order to keep operating complexity minimal. What submarines have to do with solar physics, I have no idea.

Perhaps transport to a neutrino observatory?

Rick Cook: Mr. Cook the Wizardry series writes, where magic threaded code AND RPN AND meets. Thus a telescope and KIM-1 seem most apt. Take care that you do not attract the attention of gremlins.

David Drake: Mr. Drake, of Hammer’s Slammers ought to get his very own hammer. Not your run of the mill hardware store hammer, no. He ought to have an iridium hammer.

David Friedman: From iridium back to iron(y). Yes, related to that Friedman, so… a “FREE LUNCH” sign – in ancient Norse.

Eric Flint: Mr. Flint who writes the 1632-verse and modeled Grantville after Mannington ought to have the ideal research facility – a residencein Mannington, WV complete with library of all books known to have been in that community as of 1999, or perhaps early 2000. If that is beyond your budget (possible after acquiring that submarine) then the modest complete collection of Eugene V. Debs writings and speeches should do, though youmight wish to quietly check to see if he already has that.

John Ringo: A tank, of course. Though it might be for the best to avoid any equipped with an Artificial Intelligence as the state of the art is still quite primitive. Other equipage is up to you, but in general the guide here is “more.” Also, avoid models that have been nicknamed for cigarette lighters and the like.

Vernor Vinge: Perhaps his very own, personal black hole. Well, it is a  kind of singularity. Careful with this one, it cannot be over-emphasized that this gift requires very special handling.

Finally, Elliot Ness, of Mobster Hunter fame… wait. Sorry, glitch in the timestream. Finally, Larry Correia, of Monster Hunter fame is tough one.

While a “minotaur” hide jacket might seem apt, I am rather loath to recommend that considering the sourcing requirements, so perhaps the classic Very Big Gun is the best choice here. There is no excess, so go all the way, and get him the .88 Magnum. Sure, there’s that line from Johnny Dangerously but remember that means it can shoot through other insanely large, tough things, too.
And of course, all authors (and most everyone else) could use a genuine  time-bomb. No, not some mere explosive device with a clock operated fuse,> but something that upon detonation would release vast quantities of time. So far, such a device has proven most elusive even in theoretical design.

If you find a way to split the chronon, you might be on to something.

80 responses to “Orvan Taurus’s Gift Guide For the Holidays

  1. MOO-RAH! Yes, we’re all in the tank for good ol’ John Ringo, and that’s no bull.

    Oh, BTW: FIRST!

  2. Crossing the lines here…
    Can’t get Larry a tank he’s already buying one.

  3. I was in Mannington a few years ago. The Jewler’s and IGA were closed, and a couple of old buildings near town center (on Water Street iirc) were freshly torn down.
    Had a delicious smothered steak sandwich at Hero’s Cafe.

  4. IIRC, the minotaur hide jacket was a gift from the original owner of the hide.

    I could be misremembering, since I need sleeeeep.

    *staggers off towards bed*

  5. YES! Finally I get my submarine! 😀 And since I live in an island-rich location, a lair with an underwater sub tunnel is quite feasible…

  6. Actually, in his SCA persona of Cariadoc, Mr. Friedman does provide a fair amount of free munchies and hospitality. But that is a matter of free will giving, and both noblesse oblige and the hospitality/pay forward economy come into it.

    Milton Friedman was also a generous host, by my understanding.

    • But yeah, he would probably like a runic free lunch sign. By the end of the day, if you gave it to him at some Twelfth Night event, it would probably have so many languages and scripts on it that it would be the gift that keeps on giving.

    • His Grace, Cariadoc, is both an excellent host and guest, free with tales, stories, and his amazing memory for people and history.
      His translations and interpretations of early mediaeval cookbooks have brought the taste of those times back to life.
      Some of them can be found here at http://moas.atlantia.sca.org/wsnlinks/, along with much other info on the arts and technologies of those times.
      (because for me, the best Christmas presents are always books / more knowledge / more resources – MORE !! ) 🙂

  7. Christopher M. Chupik

    What? Ringo gets a tank, but Tom doesn’t?

  8. Reblogged this on The Arts Mechanical and commented:
    I think that Larry wants the 120mm maximum. with tank attached.

  9. How does one gift wrap a gravitational singluarity, aside from placing it inside a Federal Building?

  10. In other news…

    Both Carrie Fisher and Richard Adams (Watership Down) have both apparently died.

  11. I am not amused. So for my birthday, I’d like a new Muse.

    • To be a-mused is to not have a muse. Is that your condition?

    • I’d like a warm pair of boots myself, size 10-1/2 EEE, about mid-calf, about the middle of February; ready for a brutal end to winter (just in case) and try to get fifteen years out of this pair.

      • 18 U.S.C., § 921(A)(16)
        The term “Antique Firearm” means:

        A. Any firearm (including any firearm with a matchlock, flintlock, percussion cap, or similar type of ignition system) manufactured in or before 1898;

        Reproductions also fall into the “antique” category, but not if they use “conventional centerfire fixed ammunition.”

    • muses amuse themselves. Only incidentally other people. Withholding all ideas, or besieging you with a bright sparkling new eyes when you’re bogged down in revisions.

  12. Speaking of cannons (or guns), what is the cut-off year for the feds to take no notice–1880 or thereabouts, isn’t it? (I’m guessing to avoid breach loaders, but I don’t really know.)

  13. I see LTC Kratman as more of an infantry traditionalist than one with a personal interest in tanks (although, like artillery and air support, they should be ready for instant response.) Springfield Armory makes a very nice selection of M1A™ Super Match rifles in a variety of furniture to fit various budgets.

    • For someone with an interest in Historical collectibles, I saw a Burnside Carbine at a gun shop in Knoxville recently. It was quite interesting and would make a heck of a conversation piece, hanging on a wall. I’ve heard that Burnside was a better arms designer than he was a General. It looked like a very functional weapon.

      • He was, and was a prime example of the Peter Principle. He was a good regimental commander, a good brigade commander, and a decent division commander. He was a bad corps commander, and a terrible army commander, and even said he would be when Lincoln voluntold him to be the new commander of the Army of the Potomac after Antietam.

    • If the Colonel needs to use a rifle the S-3 will be looking for a new job…

  14. Rick Boatright

    I would absolutly accept a Johnson viking valient, even with rust. My first radio was from that era.

    Speaking of rust, I’m always open to horrible rusted barn guns or truck guns. Restoring them is a favorite pastime.

    • My second transmitter was a Valiant. Good solid radio, with a quite respectable 275-watt input to the finals on CW. Big and heavy, as you would expect…

  15. Rick Boatright

    Oh, and picky picky me, there’s no W in Boatright I had illiterate ancestors.

  16. Half of you — okay, half of me — are still giving gifts and will be till January.

    True; my dad’s family get’s together the Saturday after Christmas.

  17. So is anyone trying to get rid of a spaceship this holiday season? Got one too many under the tree? I’ll be more than happy to take it off your hands at a reduced price–

  18. For your entertainment: Magnetic Anomaly in Antarctica:

    From Comments: James Allen
    53 minutes ago

    Miskatonic University sent two investigatory expeditions to Antarctica in the early ‘30’s. The first disappeared. The survivors of the second would never speak of what they saw.
    1River PhlegethonLikeReply
    River Phlegethon
    River Phlegethon
    3 minutes ago

    @James Allen

    Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.
    gussy musty
    gussy musty
    1 hour ago

    Ok what could have the Gravitational force to cause this .

    Let me think ? its a POLE that all gravitational waves around the earth BEND back into at this Area .

    Nope its gone sorry , was on the tip of my tongue too ?

    Yip guess its aliens !