Totally Nut A Ranzom Note

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

dartagnansmall

Deer Hoyt’s Ones Lones Hons
Thees iz D’Artagnan-cat the one theyz callz Evilsss (it’s a lie. I iz a good, beautiful boi and full of zee meanings.)
Mommy da writer, she who privides fud haz been kid catnapped Not by D. Cat, of course but by Nympha Nyp Nepharious teh evuls foreig oth er… outzide interests.
This post iz late becauz I has to lurn to typetytipe like da mum.
Thees evul fore– outsi– probably dougs interests want da tuna and ffity tousand unmarked catnip meeces. If notz they wont let mum writ in this typetytypethingy.
I want a cheezburger.
Oh, and Havlock wantz a cheezburger becaus he thinks thas how cats talk. He’s retar— stup— not all the— develupmentelee deesabld.
Wheeesh is whi he don’t remembur what we dougs agreed on 4 ransum.
Soes send catnip meece or the riter will nevu get neer typety aggin.
Evilly
D’Artagnan cat, aka butterpat, aka bah lamb, aka cow cat, aka notorious IBL (inappropriate licking boi — it’s a lie!) Aka slinky McEvil (it’s a lie! Put about by dougs and my emenies!)

despondentkitteh
Havelock cat. All fuzz no brainz.

PS- This is Havelock-cat. He is slow an’ stuff like 12 weaks ol kitteh

144 thoughts on “Totally Nut A Ranzom Note”

    1. It’s a lie! A lie, I tell you! I had nothing to do with the snatch. I was 800 miles away!

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        1. I myself have been known to howl at the moon.
          Long ago and far away of course, in younger and friskier days.

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          1. Oddly, I have no notes on Dougie’s style, so I couldn’t hope to comment knowledgeably.

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  2. Right. A distraction is in order while we send in the extraction team.

    Who’s got the laser pointer?

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      1. Interesting, I have a cat called Squeaker, the first cat I have owned in years that will let you touch it. So named because it was first found in the tall grass of the field because it was squeaking away. A day or two later I found her mother and the rest of the kittens in the woodshed, and reunited them, sorta. Squeaker, who must have been about three to four weeks old at the time, wouldn’t stay with momma and her brothers and sisters; when you attempted to leave she would come toddling after you as fast as her not perfectly steady kitten legs would toddle, squeaking at the top of her lungs.

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  7. So D’Artagnan has apparently learned how to type.

    How long before he writes his own novel?

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      2. No, you need a protagonist who can’t tell the difference between cats and dogs. ;-)

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          1. Let’s see, SJW protagonist gets “mugged”, experiences “road to Damascus”, changes life around to something more reasonable. There are at least a few people around here who could swing that without breaking a sweat.

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    1. Mine has a real thing for coffee ice cream. He also loves cheese, but I don’t let him have it very often, because then we get Grumpy Cat With a Bellyache. (Actually, he doesn’t get to lick out the ice cream bowl very often either–he’s already twenty pounds, and doesn’t need to get any bigger…)

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  12. Ah yes, the evul kittehs. Long have they been my nemesis, with their lightfoot kung-fu, and ninja like pouncing abilities. Long they have shadowed my steps, innocently cleaning themselves whenever espied amidst their nefarious machinations.
    I know what you’re doing! (Well, not exactly, but I have inklings.)
    With your squinchy little eyes….and adorable fuzzy faces.
    Oh, the feels!
    *Walks away, looking for something fluffy to cuddle.*

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  14. Miss Opal, Furry Reincarnation of Queen Victoria, puts one delicate paw to her forehead and sighs. With a bit of effort, they could have an income stream and franchising opportunities for years–but no. They always go direct for the mousie-and-tuna motherlode….

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  15. Aha, you know how to use internet? Have you been talking with Ms. Pörri? Who just broke my cellphone by flipping it from the table to the floor. Very deft use of a headbutt while purring like crazy the whole time. She used to be such a good girl… has to be bad influences. She wouldn’t have thought of anything like that on her own, I’m sure of it. :(

    (Maybe I should get in the habit of turning off my computer when I’m not using it… everybody else who has cats now start doing the same, OK? Or do you think they know how to turn them on? Oh boy, we are screwed… I need to buy a laser pointer…)

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    1. Ms. Pörri has probably been on Twitter, learning of new ways to keep humans enslaved entranced. Check for feeds such as #Purrrr.

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          1. Indeed. Thank goodness the Duchess has decided that Fluffy the Brainless is her kitty, or we’d have some serious lobbying for a new kitten going on.

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          1. Oh, wait. They’re just potbellied pigs. I used to have those. They’re adorable, but kinda smelly…

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            1. They’ve been working on the size of the potbellies since at least the 80s, kind of like how there’s apparently a miniature chihuahua sub-group. (lady at my doctor’s has one for a medical dog, and was horrified at the idea that the dog would be confused with a standard)

              I never could figure out how folks could have a pet whose poo is almost identical to humans’, even as good about using a toilet-space as pigs are.

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              1. Why would you have a pig as an indoor pet? Why have one as a pet period? You would feel bad about eating bacon then.

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                  1. If it’s the joke I think it is … That’s an Irish joke? I first heard it on a pretty good anthology show about Vietnam. Cormac McCarthy used that joke as the basis of an unbelievably gruesome scene in “The Road.” And yeah, the politically correct SF folk didn’t even achieve the darkest and most depressing SF novel ever.

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    2. Crimson Trace works in a pinch, but a friend of mine’s wife always yells at him when he is using his Bulldog to have her cat chase the laser around the living room.

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  16. Come over here boys, I have lovely peacock feathers to wave, tubs of catnip and a warm lap (just ask Misti) No tuna though, Misti and Darla don’t like fish. (Go figure, cats that don’t follow the stereotype.)

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    1. One of the four cats here won’t touch canned catfood. If it’s not crunchy bits, it’s not food.

      The big ocecat, and only male in the bunch, spent part of yesterday morning trying to eat a bug. Think beetle larva like a jumbo size mealworm. Still couldn’t get it when I moved the thing from the living room carpet to the kitchen floor.

      Not from lack of trying, either. Just to show it’s not a completely hopeless hunter, it can snatch low-flying bats out of the air as they fly by. Then wonders what do do with the thing if it doesn’t take off right away.

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  17. We just brought a twelve pound orange and white tabby (working name “Honey Boy”– at least he answers to it when I’m holding food) into the house.

    Well, actually, he brought himself. Walked up onto the deck and after a couple of days’ feed he just walked over to the door and sat there, basically saying, “OK, let’s go in.”

    We said, “Oh, no, let’s take a trip in the magic box first, to the pretty room with the nice ladies and the scissors.”

    To which he said, “Wait, what–” *SLAM*

    A hundred and sixty bucks later we had a new “free” cat..

    He’s an older, lazy critter who basically forgot to bring any s***s to give, but he’s been the spark of life to our other old cat, the sinister black Java. There’s a spark in his eye again and a spring in his step as he trots, head and tail straight out, in hot pursuit of the new guy.

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    1. A friend of mine who lives in the countryside has recently acquired two cats from her neighbors. They both just decided to move in. One is kind of halfway agreed on with the previous owners, they have several cats who roam free and agreed to share the one who now prefers my friend’s place (much, much more attention, for one thing), other is probably from some place which has a big pride of outdoor cats (or in this case, cow house working cats, they mostly live on mice and stay in the outbuildings, in winter mostly the cowhouse as it is warm, and there are at least three such farms close to where she lives). And that one they have sort of catnapped, they are not quite sure where she is from except that she usually smells of cows when she is gone for a while. Since my friend is a very law-abiding type she is now worried the real or original owners will raise a stink if they notice. They might since she had the cat spayed, and it still visits the whatever place with cows. (One of the farms has an owner who she and her common law husband are not in talking terms with as they saw him break local hunting laws by letting his dog tear some small animal he had trapped alive, and called the police about it. So if the lawful owner of the cat is that guy they might be in for some trouble if he notices.)

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      1. Have you checked the local laws about animal ownership? I know that here, in most places, you don’t have much standing for claims of theft if the animal is one that is not kept on your property*. (I’m now picturing someone trying to argue that they thought the cat would respect fences, like cows.)

        * for financial responsibility– the animal breaks something, or is starving– having fed the animal or otherwise taken care of it is generally enough to establish intent to own it. Basically, it’s a matter of establishing intent; a dog that gets over the fence isn’t the same as a cat who leaves the barn.

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        2. Useful advice. We’re not especially worried since the cat spent the last couple of days before we took him to the vet, had no rabies tag and has no problem being in the house. We think he was either turned out or forced off another property by other, younger cats.

          We did find a stray dog on our deck one day and went to considerable trouble to return it, using the ID number on its rabies tag. Turned out we were smart to. It was a Registered Texas blue lacy the owner was going to breed and worth a pile. No worries about returning it, it was perfectly happy to see him when he turned up and jumped right into the bed on its own.

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  18. From the High Dragon Council to the Evil Cats,

    In case you have forgotten, The Great Sarah Hoyt is a member in Good Standing of the Dragon Community.

    If you do not immediately release her, at the least, you’ll have to learn to live without fur.

    Do not think you can hide from our wrath as we will send fire-lizards after you.

    Fire-lizards are excellent hunters and are small enough to enter your hiding places.

    YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

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      1. Then we’ll play “Dragon Ball” with these little-kitties. [Very Big Evil Dragon Grin]

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          1. If “orca volleyball” involved putting annoying critters into balls and throwing/kicking/bunting them around, then it is very similar. [Very Very Big Evil Dragon Grin]

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            2. It’s played with young seals near a beach, apparently after the orcas have had their fill.

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    2. (having just recently finished reading Draw One in the Dark… the HIgh Dragon Council talking to the Cats has interesting context)

      (oh, and I STILL want a fire-lizard, just like when I first ran across McCaffrey’s books almost 30 years ago)

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            1. I Hate Little Fire Lizards — Julia Ecklar
              ——————————————

              Oh, I hate little fire lizards and my dragon hates them too
              And I hate the screechin’ and the flappin’ from a fair of a zillion and two
              And I hate their early-morning screaming and at mealtimes when they creel
              Yes I hate little fire lizards and that’s just the way I feel.

              Oh I hate little fire lizards, from the golds down to the greens
              And there are several useful ways I’ve found to drive them all between
              Cause they sing whenever I am tuning, and the warble in distress
              So when it comes to fire lizards, I must say I’m not impressed.

              They got a cute little face
              And cute little eyes
              And everybody thinks it’s so cute how they fly
              They pester a bronze, one *shlurrp* and they’re gone
              But the damn things always spit them back out…

              Oh I hate little fire lizards, they aren’t worth the shells they’re from
              And I hate the hatchlings and the yearlings and I hate them when they’re grown
              But every rider near me loves ’em, so there’s nothing I can do
              But I hate little fire lizards and my dragon hates them too.
              Yes, I hate little fire lizards and my dragon hates them too.

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  20. My Ghost lab/huskie would offer her services but is too busy chasing my laser light beam. Tell me where to point it and I can assure maximum destruction.

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  21. I am in the process of ordering a copy of “101 Uses for Cat Gut” to be sent to Robert. I suggest you display prominently on your bookshelf and perhaps a few select readings over one particular cat’s dinner.

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  22. D’Artagnan, really, since you are clever enough to type and post this notice, I would suggest looking for a link to Amazon.com on Mommy’s PC. You may have to watch her type her name and password, but lots of people have the browser remember that.
    Once online type cat toys or cat food. You will be rewarded by page after page of interesting things. Click on a good one, and look for a order now, or better yet, a one-click button. Don’t worry, after finding a few of your favorites, amazon will be absolutely amazing at ‘guessing’ what other cat items you might be interested in.
    Just let your Mommy go, and concentrate on keeping her writing, so she will not notice all the deliveries from amazon.

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  23. The Science Is Settled! There are *no* cats on the internet! The Post Is A LIE!

    Affectionately yours,
    Fidelis E Canus,
    LegHumper Union #-Squirrel!

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      1. Should such a thing ever come to pass, I shall attempt to make sure you are compensated appropriately. :)
        (What size cement overshoes do you prefer?) :P

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          1. Just ANY Democrat senator? Surely there must be one who isn’t a waste of O2 …

            I mean, I grant you Reid, Durbin, Schumer, Boxer, Warren, Murray, Cantwell, Markey, Shaheen, Brown, Gillibrand, Warner, Kaine, Baldwin, Leahy … but Feinstein isn’t all that bad (compared to the rest of the caucus) and Manchin could almost be a decent senator if he stopped associating with those others.

            Wouldn’t you really rather have Bernie Sanders strapped to your left foot?

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            1. Feinstein was “my” senator all the years I lived in CA.

              Yes, that thieving harpy is that bad, like in shoveling between 1.3 and 3 BILLION in no-bid contracts to relatives and business associates, screwing the veterans in the process.

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            3. Feinstein “not so bad”? She was my senator ’til I left California last year…

              Nope. Nor her husband, neither.

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              1. Please review the original statement. I said “Feinstein isn’t all that bad (compared to the rest of the caucus) ”

                I maintain that unlike Reid, Schumer and the rest DiFi at least acts as if there are foreign foes, not just “friends we have yet to make.”

                By the standards of that caucus, this is significant. She is no more corrupt than any other senator, no less a threat to 2nd Amendment (or 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th etc Amendments.) But unlike the majority of the remnant of her caucus she has not actively worked to disarm our defenses.

                This is very faint praise but it seems to me incumbent upon us to recognize this small bit of glitter on the steaming pile that is the Democrat Senate Caucus.

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    1. I met a Doberman that might. He was 100% professional and scary smart, kinda like his owner. (The owner is/was, well, something really interesting in the military. I never asked and he never mentioned anything, but you can tell. Nice guy, quiet, now does SAR with the dog, in CO I think. His Mrs was teaching up that way, last I heard.)

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      1. “Hi, I’m a Lab! Did you know I’m a Lab? Yeah, I’m a Lab. let’s be friends! wanna play with my throwing stick? Huh? Let’s play!”

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      3. The funny thing is, I haven’t met a Jack Russell Terrier. But I’ll take your word for it. Most of the dogs I’ve known have been like Dug from Up.

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        1. Well, they’re smart, they’re stubborn, and they are very charming when they want to be. So, what happens is that they will convey to you what they want, then do extremely cute things until you do what they want. Then they will repeat this until it becomes automatic for you. All the while learning things by simply seeing them repeated 3 or 4 times.

          Mine probably knows (without me trying very hard) 30 or more words, just from us saying them in conjunction with her doing it or seeing it. We have basically given up on trying to say anything about going in the car or outside in a way that she doesn’t know, and if you mention any of several types of animals, she heads for a window to look for them.

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          1. So, what happens is that they will convey to you what they want, then do extremely cute things until you do what they want. Then they will repeat this until it becomes automatic for you. All the while learning things by simply seeing them repeated 3 or 4 times.

            They’ll also punish you and develop random deafness and seem to have a good grasp of plausible deniability….
            Wait, are we talking about some dog breeds, or my kids?!?!

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  26. SugarBelly the gat black Manx used to beat up Minnie, the large black lab. It was embarrassing. Show some pride, we cried to Minnie. You are 10 times her size! Minnie quivered and hid in the bathroom; SugarBelly smirked.

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    1. our 14 lb dog has no sense of self preservation. He’ll go after dogs ten times his size. he will start with dogs who’d look at him and say you are smaller than my chew toy.

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    2. Miranda, the 4 lb elderly cornish rex rules our clowder with a fist of iron. This is okay when it’s Havelock who is 16 lbs, but …. developmentally disabled. But D’Artagnan Cat, six pounds and eeevul also get beaten like a drum.

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              1. I’ll put him up against our Sano.

                http://kenshin.wikia.com/wiki/Sagara_Sanosuke
                Description:
                Tall and lean, Sanosuke’s slight build belies his immense strength and his superhuman toughness, but his wild shock of spiky brown hair and intense brown eyes are clear indications of his demeanor. Sano is always seen wearing a white happi jacket with black trim and the kanji character aku (惡) – meaning evil or bad – emblazoned conspicuously on the back in black as well as white dōgi trousers.

                vs…uh… pretty much your Harvey in a fluffy tuxedo. Although he’s not fat, per the vet.

                Look, he regularly decides to run away from toddlers giving him a bad time. And then forgets what he was doing, sits down and looks around, until the toddler lets out a shriek on nearly reaching him… jerks his head around with an expression that goes “oh! Yeah! I was running away!” and goes another five-ten feet.
                We named him because he had sort of wild hair, and he bit clean through the webbing between Elf’s thumb and pointer when dad’s dog spooked him. That was the last time he came CLOSE to living up to his name!

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      2. My late orange tabby, Potluck (21 years the Boss) met my wife’s cat the evil black Java, when we moved to Texas. Java, who was used to bullying the co-tenant’s cats in Deb’s old apartment, swaggered over to let potluck know who was in charge. He hissed—and Potluck hit him a three shot combination to the head Chuck Norris would have envied. Java just sat down and stared for a moment — “WTF just happened?” — then walked away. Never a harsh word between them after that.

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  27. Found the suspects: https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A0LEVj8DoxxV9AsAftMnnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTB0dmRibmhwBHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkA1lIUzAwMV8x?p=youtube+vw+dogs+star&tnr=21&vid=A18C4136F8864D9CE464A18C4136F8864D9CE464&l=53&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DUN.608002687701811528%26pid%3D15.1&sigi=11renggn0&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5R1_Cb6KDf4&sigr=11b0rsmer&tt=b&tit=Dogs+barking+Star+Wars&sigt=10m6rfmt1&back=https%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fyhs%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dyou%2Btube%2Bvw%2Bdogs%2Bstar%26hsimp%3Dyhs-004%26hspart%3Dmozilla%26ei%3DUTF-8&sigb=131c1c9o7&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-004

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  29. I have heard a rumor that the katz have hired John C Wright to defend them from evil lying catnip keeping persons that won’t open cans of tuna for them.

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  30. The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
    It isn’t just one of your holiday games;
    You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter
    When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
    First of all, there’s the name that the family use daily,
    Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
    Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey–
    All of them sensible everyday names.
    There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
    Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
    Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter–
    But all of them sensible everyday names.
    But I tell you, a cat needs a name that’s particular,
    A name that’s peculiar, and more dignified,
    Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
    Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
    Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
    Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
    Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum-
    Names that never belong to more than one cat.
    But above and beyond there’s still one name left over,
    And that is the name that you never will guess;
    The name that no human research can discover–
    But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
    When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
    The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
    His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
    Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
    His ineffable effable
    Effanineffable
    Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

    T. S. Eliot

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  32. I have now encountered someone else who’s cat is named D’artagnan. (And to be fair, his housemate, The Marquie de Carabas, OUGHT to have been Porthos).

    Which is saying something, given that I see a lot of cat names in my career as a vet. Note: Never name a cat “Precious” or “Angel.” If you want to do something like that, just draw the pentagram on the floor and channel the demon in from the outset.

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      1. That’s a new one for me. Though I’ve had a pair of bloodhounds named Sherlock and Watson. And a pair of Russian Blue cats named Peter and Ekaterin.

        Also, cats named “Lucky” inevitably seem to be missing eyes, ears, limbs, or other important bits. Making one wonder if they are owned by hipsters and named ironically.

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        1. All the “Luckies” I know are named after surviving their first disfiguring accident.

          Like the siamese my grandmother had, who went through a swather every year. (Usually cats don’t survive the first time.)

          She single-handedly changed the genetic balance of the valley’s kittens, too.

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      1. I have met many cats that could carry the epithet. However, it’s still one step above, “Highly Miniaturized Thermonuclear Exploding Grelbin Device.”

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            1. She has what the doctor thought was a heart condition, but is a lung condition and has outlived expectations by 2 years. She probably WON’T be with us when he moves out.

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