Spam, Lovely Spam

(oh, yeah, a public service announcement.  I’m continuing the Hooking Your Reader Workshop over at Mad Genius Club and I apologize to participants for being late with the critique this week.  I’ve been dealing with stomach flu, which means lack of sleep and general wooziness, which means this week was a loss for practically everything.  I’m going to do my best to send critiques to everyone by this evening.  Sorry.)

Having grown up in a village I, like Miss Marple, know all the wickedness in the world.  When I was a young woman who could scare away men by making passing comments on… osmosis (Hey, how was I to know it would scare him?  He was studying to be an engineer.  Geesh) I found out that, according to the old women of the village, I lived a wild and wooly life, fraught with excitement and sin.

Since about the most exciting thing happening in my life at the time was my translating a page through five languages then back to Portuguese to compare, the rumors fascinated me, and I started keeping track of them, mildly jealous of this other Sarah who got to do all this dreadful/amusing/strange stuff.

The rumors anchor in reality went beyond the tenuous.  Take the month I had dentist appointments (when I go to the dentist it ALWAYS becomes an involved thing.  I’m given to understand my teeth were ruined by fevers when they were mere buds) in the office above the coffee shop.  When I came out, I’d meet my brother’s best friend – whom I’d known since I was three and whom I ALWAYS thought of as an adjunct brother – in the coffee shop and wait the half hour or so till he could drive me home, because I preferred that to walking…  According to the old ladies I was double timing my then-fiancé with him.  And he wasn’t driving me home, not a bit of it.

Or take the fact that the summer before I got married I worked in Germany, but my husband is dark haired and not very tall.  I found out, shortly before my wedding, that Dan was an Italian I’d met in Germany.  Though a rival faction claimed he was a baker who worked in a nearby village.  (I saw that guy eventually.  NO resemblance whatsoever, other than dark hair and about same height.)

As I’ve said before, it takes a village to drive a child (OR particularly an adult) completely batsh*t insane.  In my case, instead of being shocked and horrified, I chose to be highly entertained, because, just like Miss Austen’s Lizzy, I dearly love to laugh.

I’m telling you this in the hopes that you will understand my fascination with Spam.  Spam is even less personal than those rumors – particularly now that it’s mostly spambots.  It can be almost outrageously funny.  It has gotten tons more sophisticated since I started tracking it, particularly since I started tracking it on this blog a year ago.

At the same time, as with the old ladies in the village there was the sick fascination with “this is meant to be believed.  Why is this meant to be believed?” with Spam there is “This must work sometimes.  WHY does this work?”  Every time I go through the spam I’m fascinated with both the ingenious nature of it, and the fact that it’s incredibly, bizarrely stupid.  (Yes, I know, that’s because they rely on a scattershot approach.  But all the same.)  I’m fascinated with how some of them sound almost real except for the post they’re attached to, for instance.  And I’m HIGHLY amused by how weird they can get.  So, below, there’s a best of Sarah’s Spam Filter and my answers which, no, of course I did not send back, but ran through my mind as I read it:

Beatiful layout! How have you get this design? – Variations on this are probably the most common Spam.  This one wins because it’s also grammatically messed up.  However, under the “incredibly stupid” considering I use a standard free layout, it’s a no sale.  Makes you wonder, though, if it’s irresistible for people with more elaborate setups to talk about how geeky they are.

I was curious if you ever considered changing the page layout of your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or 2 images. Maybe you could space it out better? – since this comes with a shill for an adult casual sex site, I have to sort of assume they particularly dislike my lack of er… naked people images.  Considering the nature of my blog, I’ll do my best to have pictures of naked writing pens, naked keyboards and naked typing fingers in the future.  Would that do it for you?

Thanks for your input and I will use it for my college research that I am doing for this website. – yes, indeed, but why in heaven’s name is someone researching the page with the compilation of Witchfinder up till now?  Ummmmmmmmm

Heya! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers? My last weblog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing a few months of hard work due to no back up. Do you have any solutions to prevent hackers? – Um no.  You know why?  Because I don’t visit that adult dating website you link.

I think animating may eliminate this concept. The pictures require person to visualize what exactly is occurring that will that will imagining is the thing that ends in the sense of humor. It’s being a complicated, complex ruse in the event you describe that, rather than enabling your audience “have itInch, that ruins the sense of humor. Every person’s an art overseer. – you might be a great penny stock trader, but I doubt it, given your unrequited love affair with automated translation engines.  Also, what DOES this have to do with … free novel Witchfinder?

Very good opinion, bye — on Witchfinder again – what am I doing to attract them.  You have to admire that in a blog filled with OPINIONS they manage to hit on the one page/post with fiction.  (rolls eyes.)

Hmm is anyone else encountering problems with the pictures on this blog site loading? I’m trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog site. Any responses would be greatly appreciated. – No.  Could be because you link back to your live streaming porno cam.  I use a special format on the pictures in my blog.  They don’t load well for great big hos.

This really is the worst post of all, I’ve study – (on There Is No Glass Slipper) – really?  Then perhaps you don’t read much in blogs.  Or perhaps your English is lacking.  And what’s the psychology behind this?  Do people follow these links to try to explain themselves?

Must be because…

You simply copied someone else’s tale – also, on There Is No Glass Slipper.  IF that had been on Witchfinder it would still be odd but … possible.  I’ve had reviewers think something or other was “stolen” because you know, I have some common element like boy meeting girl.  Again, note the aggressive put down as a shill.  Um.  And this one:

You are the worst writer – I confess I was hesitant on this.  It links to an Italian translation website, and perhaps they truly despise my writing.  I sold a couple of stories in Italy last month.  So, it actually got me to look at the site – yes, I AM a Nail Biter, why do you ask? – and their account has been suspended.  Uh.  Who would have thunk it?  And besides, on calmer reflection, I might be the worst writer, but how would they know?  It’s impossible they’ve read every writer!

And now, for the win, arrived this morning, the champion of champions:
There are many ways to teach ESL/TEFL to children but one of the most exciting and rewarding ways to do it is by using
English games. English Games not only engage the children, but also teach through play – and most of the time the children
don’t even know they are learning until the time comes to show their knowledge! It truly is possible (and almost necessary) to
create a classroom where the students not only learn but also truly enjoy their time there.

Incorporating English games into the classroom can build interest in the class, put language in an interesting and
meaningful context, give students a break from the pressures of learning a new language while giving the break a purpose, teach
real world skills and, most importantly, build the student/teacher bond.

It’s in Late in Posting, and it goes on for a page or so.  I won’t sport with your patience.  The pay off?  It links to a ….  Poker on line site.  Because nothing builds the student teacher bond like teach winning all of the kids’ lunch money before noon.  I’m just saying.