Like most supporters of gay marriage, I’ve been accused of wanting to put our culture on a slippery slope to hell. If I had a dime for each time someone has told me "What about incest?" or "What if they want to marry their dog?"
Now, mind you, my social circle — both gay and straight friends — is arguably limited by the fact that I spend two thirds of my awake time writing. But I can honestly say that the raciest thing I’ve ever heard any friend say about his/her pet is on the order of "We must get Peaches trimmed again. She’s looking shaggy."
However for those of you, culture warriors, truly worried about that slippery slope, I have bad news. The war is lost. It’s already worse than you thought.
In the midst of a very busy weekend we dropped by a thrift shop (I’m looking for a decent opaque projector and things like that sometimes turn up there.) and # 1 son — ever alert — called my attention to a work of unimaginable depravity that is — I shudder to say it — aimed at the youngest and most vulnerable members of society.
Parents, surrogate parents, concerned friends are advised to shield the eyes of minors from the following quite graphic pictures which, I regret to say, are necessary to reveal the full extent of the depravity we are facing.
The cover looks disturbing enough. Look at it:
It begins by advertising itself as a "touch and feel book" — wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Even then you might think "Oh, but they just mean, you know, being licked by an animal." Maybe, maybe. But I would say untold depths of seductive depravity are contained in the saucy come-hither expression of that… shall we say it? all-too-eager cow with its unnaturally pink — and velvely — nose.
Cautiously we open the book and proceede.
The first page seems to settle my alarms. It has a picture of a cat cleaning itself and it says "Do you like scratchy cat kisses?" Right. They mean being licked by fluffy. I can live with that.
And yet, my insatiable curiosity leads me to turn yet another page. It should further calm my fears, but… there are disquieting hints, too.
What is there to be alarmed about? you ask. Just the friendly family pooch waiting to lick the child. Um… perhaps. Except for "sticky" dog kisses, which provides an all too sensory description of this enthusiastic osculator, I’d say you’re probably right. And, convinced that I was probably imagining the slightly perverse expression in the dog’s eyes, I turned the page.
Excuse me… Does that bear have a fuzzy tongue? I remember my college days when I got up many mornings feeling that I needed to shave my tongue, but this is ridiculous. Add to that the fact that any child approaching a bear for a kiss is likely to have "Grrr, Num" as his last sensory experiences, and we’re entering deeply disturbing territory.
Next is "velvety cow kisses, with the same saucy minx of a cow with her come-hither smile. I will note her udders are not only visible but painted a lurid purple which doesn’t appear anywhere else in the picture.
The worst is still to come. Brace yourselves, my friends! It’s possible that only the Shadow knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, but WE know — now — what evil lurks in the hearts of innocent-seeming picture books.
First, note the slightly glazed expression that suggests this orange, purple finned piscine hustler has been dosed with something — perhaps ecstasy. Nothing else explains that glazed expression. But the worst part is… well… I don’t think ANYONE can deny that this fish is wearing lipstick.
Before you catch little Emma or your precious innocent Dylan dipping her or his hands into the fishbowl, your best lipstick in hand, shield their eyes, my friends, and save their morals.
I confess I do not have the heart to scan in the next graphic picture — such the horror. Imagine if you will, a degenerate purple porcine, set on an unrealistically green lawn, against a background of a night sky. It has its eyes seductively closed as it opens its maw and wags its disgusting — and velvety — dark purple tongue at you. And then there’s the caption, which adds horror to it for an entire generation scarred by Deliverance. "Squeaky pig kisses?" the perverse author asks. And in your mind, the banjos start up…
The book ends with a human surrounded by all these animals, including the fish which seems perfectly comfortable with oxygen, and asks "What Kind of Kisses Do You Like Best?" thereby opening the child’s mind to a whole panoply of yet unimagined depravity. You can just see tiny Isobel and unprotected little Dakota sitting in the dark in their nurseries, imagining other, even more perverse kisses.
Dusty Dinosaur kisses? Disturbing clam kisses?
All I can say is that once this book is opened, the slippery slope has been greased and there is no turning back.
If you care, find every copy of this fiendish work, buy it and burn it.
Do it for humanity! Do it for yourself! Do it for the children!