Oh, the Humanity!

I’ve been thinking a lot about humanity, recently. Partly, I think, due to an ongoing and profoundly disturbing thread in my conference in Baen’s Bar (Sarah’s Diner) where someone suggested “feeding” humans to unspecified dark shadows. The thread (which is a fantasy thread, in which regular posters imagine themselves as shape shifters or what-have you, in a reinventing of their lives in the e-space of the diner. Think second life, without the props) has progressed, with some people objecting, to now saying that these people being pedophiles, who therefore “deserve” to be fed to the shadows.

I will confess this still makes me uneasy — vaguely nauseous too — and it’s not due to compassion for pedophiles. It’s more the fact that I like humans in general and humans in particular. This is something I often discuss with Son #1 who is going through his “I hate people” phase. And the whole thing has just been fermenting (festering) in my mind, while I go about cleaning and cooking and finishing my much overdue novel for Bantam (I’m on it, Anne, I swear) all of which was delayed by illness (to be explained later, perhaps.) The illness also prevented my posting here. And it also, at some fundamental level, seems to have changed me. I’m doing a lot more thinking about principles I’ve accepted, unexamined. I suppose this is good for a writer. And I promise I won’t be larding my books with long philosophical passages. (I adhere to the Heinlein code of WHY to write and making people think is way down the list. Though for the record, it is there.)

So — to stop rambling — Humanity, my friends. Are you pro or con?

Okay — right about now you’re thinking “Okay, she’s nuts. Of course I’m for people. I’m people.” Yeah, yeah, that don’t mean nothing bud.

Recently, as with the thread in my conference, I’ve been coming across more and more people — arguably sane, often painstakingly educated, provably intelligent people who hate human beings. The hatred goes from the subtle to the spewingly overt and in all cases it puts me — personally — off.

For an example of subtle — if you haven’t read about Arthur Miller’s issue with his handicapped son, go here

http://www.amazon.com/gp/blog/post/PLNK1ECGRMUPNVS22 . 

No, I’m not equating his putting away of his son and what must have been a morally excruciating decision with hatred of humanity in general. However — and I’m not dissing the man, I know he has been read, listened to and loved by more people than my paltry words will ever reach — I think the fact that he was able to put away his son and not think about it, and not think of him as his son till very late in life — this might be more of a male thing, btw. I can’t understand it. Particularly when the conditions the child was brought up in were justifiably bad — is predicated on his view of his Down Syndrome cousin as a useless encumbrance mistreated by his own mother. The interesting thing there is that the rest of his family did not in any way see it in the same light. They remember his handicapped cousin as being challenged, but much loved by his whole family and immeasurably enriching of their lives.

Now I know several families raising handicapped children — some profoundly handicapped. It’s not an easy task and not one I envy PARTICULARLY when the child is mentally or emotionally handicapped. Both times I was pregnant, (And this will doubtlessly repeat itself, should it happen again) I felt like I was playing trades with fate. There was this continuous argument at the back of my mind “if the child must have an issue, let it be a missing limb. Yeah. Missing limbs can be fixed with prosthesis. Or let it be blindness. Terrible, of course, but it can be got around. Or deafness. We can do deafness. Just please don’t let it be mental or emotional.” This, I think, is every parent’s nightmare just because of the difficulties in communication, as well as everything else. When my babies were young and pre-verbal, I’ve been known to run from the house into a snow storm, because they were screaming and I couldn’t figure out why or how to make it better. I can imagine that frustration on and on and on forever.

So I suspect the mother of Arthur Miller’s cousin DID yell at her son now and then in a rage. Heck, I yell at my sons now and then in a rage. (Though usually the younger as we have a serious clash of hormones going on.) And I suspect on the whole, the cousin WAS loved by his family who considered him not a curse but a blessing.

It is that Arthur Miller saw only the curse and not the blessing that I think constitutes a “subtle hatred” of humanity. Or at least of humanities’ failings. Yes, I have watched his plays — repeatedly. They were a favorite of TV in Portugal in the seventies — and I think the same thing comes through. This is a personal opinion, mind, and I do not wish people to deluge me with examples of his compassionate words or his empathy or whatever. I never SAW it or felt it. So reading that Amazon blog I went “Oh. That makes sense.”
For the record, I feel the same way about Christopher Marlowe, whose words I love but whose characters and plots I abhor. Many people have lingered on his “sadism” or his love of blood or whatever. That I can excuse as “writing to market” and also the fact that he was — ultimately — a sheltered intellectual (at least in one version of his bio. <g>) so the idea of great massacres made his pulse pound faster and he wrote it. What I can’t excuse is that all his characters are cold and dingy, “good” as well as “bad.” Compared to Shakespeare, who made you love — or empathize with — even his villains, Marlowe made even his “heros” repulsive.

I think — deep down — that’s how he saw all of humanity.

This kind of subtle — sometimes not so subtle, frankly — hatred of humanity glares at me from a lot of current SF and Fantasy (and Mystery too.) Perhaps it’s my quirk, but the line where that hatred peeks from under the layer of hiding is always where the author or screenwriter loses me. I’m sure it’s my quirk because the Matrix did very well. However, the first time I heard the line “We’re parasites on the face of the Earth.” pronounced earnestly (And like it was the first time anyone said it too — sigh) the movie lost me. Or those movies on the future of evolution — I don’t remember who made them? — that played on animal planet, lo these many years ago. We watched them with the kids and the only way I could continue watching them was to comment sarcastically on the designers open hatred of humanity.

No, don’t argue. It’s not the fact that he forecast our extinction that I considered so repulsive. To a certain extent that was to be expected, the same way it’s to be expected that singers will utter swear words. It’s the shock value. Fine. People who are unsure of their creative powers use foul language (yes, and blood) to make sure they hit the mark. Back when I was fumbling lost in the land of plot and character I wrote a lot more horror and my characters swore a lot more. No. What I found a glaring mark of their hatred for humanity is that ultimately they could not allow ANY simians to survive or even — heaven help us — any mammals. Their hatred of humanity led them to paint out all mammals and ultimately leave the Earth to intelligent — if you haven’t watched it you’ll think I’m crazy — squid-like beings. You’ll say I’m making too much of this example and perhaps I am, but the fact is that hatred of all things human is so common in arts and academia alike that I KNEW before I watched this series how it would end. I KNEW that everything human-like would be erased from the face of the Earth. (Though I confess the extinction of mice threw me. You’d think… never mind.)

And then there was the more overt one — a friend’s father, a member of the earliest fandom of sf/f. He visited our house and was a wonderful man, salt of earth. He played with my — then — toddlers and we had some interesting discussions about science and the news and what not. And then I chanced to meet him, just before 2000. He started talking about Y2k. Yes, I know it was a mooch thing, but he didn’t think it would be and he was looking FORWARD to it. He thought 2/3 of humanity would die and he was gleeful about it because — wait for it — it would thin the herd. Better for the Earth and — he assumed — ultimately better for the species.

This was genocide on a level that not even Hitler or Stalin could aspire to. It was a mass death of the guilty and the innocent. But this man — urbane, well behaved, educated — was looking FORWARD to it. And thought it was deserved.
So… how does this hatred of humanity come about? And why should we care?

It comes about in various ways I think. Most of all, though, I find it in urbane, intelligent, educated people. Our arts and culture community. Our leaders of opinion and thought. And I think it comes about because these people stuck out of the herd. My friend Dave Freer might be able to elucidate this mechanism better than I can from an evolutionary/primate perspective, but I think all of us know that humans will try to knock down and “kill” all those who are too different. And probably most of the people reading this blog know what too different is. You were the kid who sat in a corner with a book and who used words like ‘occluded’ that the other kids thought were insults. Now — I have an idea of how this is worsened in our present times and how our education and society fosters it — but doubtless the hatred of humanity in the particularly capable is fostered at a very early age.

Many of us — like doubtless a very young Christopher Marlowe (and I hope to go into him more, myself first. And the differences in what we know of the bios of Shakespeare and Marlowe as related to their attitude to humanity) — found themselves mocked and derided by people we knew were idiots. We found ourselves back up against a corner in the playground by bullies who objected to our being different. (Yes, some like me came back swinging and learned very early to take on as many bullies as came at one, leading to the dreaded phone calls to mom “your daughter broke so and so’s glasses.” “Your daughter bit so and so and his arm infected.” But most people don’t. Most people, particularly women, for whatever reason, seem to have a good handle on self preservation instincts.) And we conceived a self-defensive and seething hatred for the great mass of humanity except those we allowed inside the magic circle. And even those, we were likely to see through the worst possible lens. And hating all of humanity, of course, we hated ourselves with it — partly because the universal hatred of everyone else towards us had to penetrate at some level and lead us to believe we DESERVED it. As little as we admitted it.

Why should we care about it?

Because a disdain for the unwashed masses, a feeling that we should “save people’s souls” over their sinful bodies, the idea that we should build an ideal “homo sovieticus”, all these have at their root a great hatred for humans. It doesn’t matter if you love humans as they could be. It matters that you hate humans as they ARE. People who hate humans as they are and who try to whittle humanity into what it could be or should be or some such have been responsible for the greatest massacres in history — including the horror show that was the 20th century. And yet, humanity was not markedly improved by any of their efforts.

But shouldn’t you hate a species in which 90% or more could be qualified as unwashed masses? Shouldn’t you try to improve it or whittle it, or narrow it down to the most worthy?

No, listen — it’s not even a case of ipso costodiate costodians (and I’m sure I’m mangling spelling and grammar there, but you get the point — Who Shaves The Barber?) — it’s a case of once that sort of thing starts it never ends. There will never be a “most worthy”. The “genius” who starts killing all the stupid people ends up alone. The “compassionate giver” who hates all mean people ends up finding they are all mean. And it’s the fact that the same way you can’t stand outside the window and watch yourself walk by, certainly you can’t look at humanity from outside and say “this is worthy. this isn’t.” Your views are tainted by your eyes. No other way. Arthur Miller would doubtless, given the chance, having rid his aunt of his Down Syndrome cousin. And in the end would render his family poorer and not see it.

So you say “Okay, fine, do away with all of humanity.” And…. substitute what? The octopi chirping as they swing from trees in primeval forests? Certainly all of you know those are no more than the wishful dreams of less-than-all-there film makers.

Humanity might suck raw eggs, but then what else is there? Do those of you who are past adolescence remember desperately wanting to be someone else? I wanted to be tall and willowy and blonde, to be able to flirt effortlessly and to fit into groups without thinking. Fortunately no mechanism was available to try to implement this. No mechanism is really available to make humanity as onto angels, either. And in the end as the only species we can PROVE (yes, yes, I heard of dolphins and elephants and even casts) is sentient and, more than that, the species we belong to — all we have is this suffering red clay. And there is no way to improve it but to improve ourselves. Wishing for extinction is akin to cutting off your head to cure headache.

And now we’re back on why the idea of why feeding fictional pedophiles to fictional dark shadows bothered me so much.

As I said before, I’m not a pacifist. And I refuse to stand with people who think EVERY life is equally sacred. If this seems a contradiction on what I said above, it’s not really. Look, I am a woman of very little faith. I try to follow one religion. I flirt with another now and then. BUT in the end, in the very end, I’m one of those people who can’t believe without seeing. My internal spiritual life is best described by paraphrasing Jorge Luis Borges. “I pray every night because my grandmother told me to. I have no idea if I’m talking on one end of a disconnected phone.” In fact, I suspect I am. Often.

But… humans… humans are here, and I can touch them, and I can love most of them to a point. Ultimately my most hated political future could become a ‘tolerated acquaintance’ if I knew them personally. And I know that. I’m forever struck by the admirable and lovable, even, in people who are otherwise wastes of oxygen. I’ve found admirable people whose political views I DESPISE. I’ve met people who’d killed other people and found them to be good and worthy in the rest of their lives. I’ve known addicts who made those around them miserable, but who had great qualities — be they generosity or a genuine love of their neighbor.

So, having said this, why am I not against the death penalty? Why am I not a pacifist?

Because I love people. And loving people I understand sometimes — sometimes, in rare cases — death might be the best thing for not just the rest of people but the individual himself. This is when other deaths/destroyed lives would come from the person continuing to live. And I’m not talking about things like “Oh, business men who exploit the masses” — that’s nonsense. I’m not talking about abstractions or degrees of separation or penumbras and emanations. I’m talking about people who by direct action destroy others: Mass murderers; pedophiles; perhaps arsonists if they can’t be treated. Those people, ultimately will only continue making themselves and others miserable. Yes, there are indications that these are illnesses, but they are illnesses we don’t know how to cure and which will destroy innocents.

Life imprisonment doesn’t work in these cases, because frankly, it can stop being for life very easily. Once life imprisonment is the worst punishment available, then people start arguing it down. And then you’re in the position Portugal was in the seventies and eighties — and maybe still — where mass murderers will get out in ten years or so and perhaps earlier. And the life of those on the streets is endangered as is any hope of a civil society.

(I’m not dogmatic on this. If you really believe life imprisonment will keep people out of danger, then do. I won’t dispute — too much. I’m simply more cynical, I guess.)

In the same way, war must happen sometimes — with its inevitable trail of deaths of innocents. (And no, I don’t want any discussion of current events in the comments, lest I bitch slap people.) Which makes it only justifiable if it will save a greater mass of innocents. Under that light, I can’t but say WWII was perfectly justified, regardless of the opinions against it in British and American papers at the time by well meaning people. (Before we entered the war. And yes, there were such arguments. Some eloquent.) Whether we saved Europe’s soul by trampling its body is something else, and yes, I do have an opinion on it, but it’s a discussion in its own, probably running to several pages, because I do go on…

Anyway, if you look at death penalty and more broadly at “he needed killing” not as a revenge thing or a consummation devoutly to be wished for, but as something you do because it MUST be done — because it’s the only thing that will save the greatest number of innocents — then the idea of feeding even the bodies of pedophiles to inhuman and supernatural shadows will revolt you. Whether pedophilia is an illness — mental or genetic or whatever — or simply a human failing — just a particularly repulsive one — these people are still human. Amid the darkness, there will be occasional glimmers of light. They — all of them, every human alive — were once innocent babies. Chances are better than even that any piece of scum on the street was once someone’s beloved little boy or girl.

We might need to eliminate them to keep the community safe, but what remains in them of our own humanity — the mirror of our own worthiness — demands that we recoil from things like feeding them to another species, real or imaginary.

The rest — the idea of the great things to come once we just eliminate or purify humanity — is for the chirping, tree dwelling octopi.

The Musketeer’s Apprentice

Will be coming out soon.  :)

In celebration I’m posting the first three chapters here.  (I will be posting more now.  I’m trying to hire people to do everything but write, so I can get a life again.  And posting.  And all that.)

These chapters are unproofed.  The book, needless to say, isn’t.

                                                                                                    The Musketeer’s Apprentice

Sarah D’Almeida

 

 

The Many Inconveniences Of A Sin Of Vanity; Flying and Fighting;

Murder Done

 

 

Monsieur Pierre Du Vallon – a huge man with broad shoulders and a wealth of red hair and beard – knew that his besetting sin was vanity.

Oh, he wouldn’t put it that way, though his friend, Aramis often put it just that way. If pressed, Monsieur du Vallon, whom the world had known for years as the Musketeer Porthos, would say that he knew himself to be a well set man, twice as broad, twice as strong, twice as valiant as all others. Pushed further, he might admit he had a fine taste in clothes and that his sword play was the best ever seen. This he did not consider vanity, as such, but a mere statement of facts. It only seemed to him odd that most people refused to acknowledge these truths.

That this made him particularly vulnerable to the admiration of those who did know Porthos’s true worth, Porthos would be the first to admit. It had been Aramis’s admission that Porthos was the best fencing master in Paris which had caused Porthos to try to teach the effete young man – then known as Chevalier D’Herblay – how to fence in time for an impending duel. It had, however, been Porthos’s real worth as a teacher that had allowed Aramis to kill his opponent in that duel – in direct violation of the king’s edict against dueling. And this in turn had forced both D’Herblay and Du Vallon – his second in the duel – to go into hiding, as Aramis and Porthos in the king’s musketeers.

None of which, Porthos thought as he stood in the middle of the vast, empty room, explained why he found himself now waiting for a student who was a good two hours late.

The student, Guillaume D’Jaucourt had approached Porthos a month ago and had told Porthos that he knew Porthos’s secret. He knew Porthos’s true identity. Porthos had shrugged this off, because who would listen to a son of minor nobility, a young boy just turning twelve. And besides, Porthos was fairly sure that the king and Monsieur de Treville, captain of the musketeers, knew his identity. He was fairly sure, even, that it was an open secret in the court. It was only that – Porthos thought – as long as no one could prove it, the king didn’t need to punish Porthos for Du Vallon’s trespass.

But then the young man – who had begged Porthos to teach him fencing – had said that Du Vallon had been universally acknowledged as the best fighter and sword master in all of Paris – which is to say in all the world.

Porthos’s inability to resist hearing the truth thus stated, had made him agree to teach the boy to fence. And he’d done just that for weeks. The youth – a stripling promise of future manhood – had proven deft with the sword, capable of parrying and thrusting with the best of them, and with fast and deceptive enough footwork to rival Porthos’s own.

Not that Guillaume was ready to fight duels. He was all of twelve, with dark read auburn hair, grey eyes and an intent, serious expression. He’d listened most attentively to Porthos instructions not to duel. After all, the Musketeers didn’t take boy recruits. But he’d proven a willing student, ready and capable of great work.

He’d always been on time. Punctual like an Englishman. It was only today that he was late. Very late. And Porthos found himself worried against his wishes.

The room where Porthos stood was in the bottom of floor of the lodgings he rented. Situated at the back, it faced the garden and the back gate. It had been – in the distant past when the house had been built and when this area of Paris had still held fields and farmers – the loggia of the building, the place where harvest was brought in and fruits and vegetables stored.

Vast and cool and windowless, it got all its light from the door when it was opened. Why the landlord hadn’t converted it into rooms to rent, Porthos didn’t know nor care. But when he’d found out that this room sat here, unused, at the back and bottom of the house, he’d made it his business to ask the landlord for the use of it.

Given the musketeer’s size and girth, few men of normal size thought to say no to him. And so Porthos, and his friends – Aramis, Athos and D’Artagnan – had for some time commanded the use of this room for their sword practices. Musty and smelling of long-disuse and dried apples, it was nonetheless broad enough and secret enough they could have mock duels without calling on them the wrath of the Cardinal Guards with their fanatical enforcement of the prohibition on duels. And here they didn’t have to listen to comments and heckling from other musketeers as they did when they practiced at Monsieur de Treville’s residence.

Aramis had snickered and said it was vanity that had led Porthos to line the narrow space with many mirrors. And though Porthos felt aggrieved by the accusation, he did not know how to defend himself.

For there was this in Porthos, able, accomplished giant that he was – that words scared him more than any foe might whom he could meet in field of battle or duel. Words slipped through his mind, where sounds and sights and senses resounded as clearly as church bells on a silent summer afternoon.

So he lacked the words to explain to Aramis the mirrors were there for two reasons – one to propagate what little light came through the open door. And another, to allow him to study his movements and those of his opponents when they practiced sword play. If it allowed him to examine the excellent cut of his doublets, the fullness of his hat plume and the way his broad, ankle-long venetians molded his muscular legs, so much the better.

But now he looked in the mirror and did not see that. Instead, above the worn linen pants and tunic, in which he’d dressed for the lesson, he saw a pale, intent face with dark blue eyes staring in puzzled wonder.

Because Guillaume hadn’t come.

And this, he told himself, might not mean anymore than that the boy had been stopped by a zealous father or an officious mother. From things the boy hadn’t said, from hints and notions and occasional mentions of his family, Porthos understood they didn’t mean for him to learn to fight.

Why, Porthos couldn’t hazard to guess. Who understood parents, anyway? Porthos’s own father hadn’t wanted his son to learn to read, being fully convinced that learning to read would soften and feminize his huge son. Porthos hadn’t been able to master reading until he’d come to Paris in search of his fortune.

Perhaps Guillaume’s father intended the boy for the church and perhaps he subscribed to the – not particularly popular – notion that churchmen should be men of peace. In which case, Porthos should introduce him to Aramis, who had once been a seminarian and who still considered himself in training for the habit, but who could wield the sword with murderous skill and intent.

Still, Porthos told his very worried-looking reflection – Guillaume’s absence meant nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just that his family had caught him sneaking out of their lodgings. Or perhaps that the boy had changed his mind about wanting to learn sword play. Which meant Porthos should never have agreed to teach him in the first place. Or not for free. At least if he’d demanded money the boy might have taken the whole thing more seriously.

The Porthos in the mirror ignored these rational reassurances. He bit worriedly at the corner of his lip. Porthos grumped, and smoothed his moustache out of his mouth and glared at his reflection.

The reflection glared right back, his eyes full of worry. Worry for what? The boy was fine. He’d missed one lesson. What was there to that?

Porthos’s thick fingers pulled and stroked frantically at his luxuriant red moustache. What was there to it? Only this. That the boy had been so intent, so decided, so capable of hard work, that Porthos refused to believe he would give up on his lesson so easily.

And because Porthos had made sure the child understood that he wouldn’t continue teaching him unless he showed for every lesson punctually, Guillaume would know that this one miss could mean the end of his apprenticeship.

The Porthos in the mirror looked triumphant, justified in his worry. And Porthos stomped. God’s Blood! So, the boy was late. And so, perhaps something had happened to him. What was Porthos to do to that? He was not the boy’s father.

And on this there was a sharp feeling of something that inarticulate Porthos would never find the words to describe. He had the sudden forlorn feeling that, had life been different – had his family lands not been poor and forsaken and inhabited by peasantry just as poor and forsaken; had his father known how to plant the land with newer, more fashionable crops – he would now be married and have a half a dozen children clustering around him. The longing for that life that had never happened surprised him. He would have liked half a dozen broad shouldered sons, clustering around him, learning sword fighting and horseback riding from him, and admiring their father’s strength and courage.

He growled at the Porthos in the mirror, whose image was giving him these ideas and, removing his hat, flung it with force to the dusty stone floor of the room. Oh, curse it all. God’s Death! What was he to do about this? And what did Guillaume have to do with these children that Porthos had never had and would probably never have?

What he had to do, the frowning, worried reflection seemed to tell Porthos, is that Porthos had enjoyed Guillaume’s company as if Guillaume were a replacement for those sons Porthos would never have. And the boy had responded to Porthos that way too. He’d listened to him with full attention and learned to repeat his movements faultlessly.

No. Nothing short of a major disaster would have prevented such a determined and cunning boy from coming to his lesson.

Slowly, Porthos picked up his hat and dusted its plume. The devil of it was that he had no idea at all where the boy came from. Oh, the child had told him his name, but D’Jaucourt was not a name that Porthos knew. It must be the name of a family recently come to Paris from the provinces and probably renting lodgings meaner than Porthos’s own from some landlord, in some part of town. What part of town, only God himself knew. That is, if He had paid any attention to such an unimportant matter.

Porthos hadn’t bothered to find the family home because the child was clearly coming to his lessons in secret – but assiduously.

As a huge sigh escaped his lips, Porthos wondered how to track someone – how to find them and discover if a mishap had befallen them when you didn’t know where they were coming from or what their route was to get here?

He walked to the door and looked down at the garden, slumbering in the early morning cool soon to turn into heated midday of very late summer. Very well. So, he knew that the child came in through the garden gate at the back.

Without much thought, without much more than a need to move, a need to do something, Porthos walked impatiently down the garden path, past the kitchen garden with its parched-looking rows of herbs, and down, past an area where trees shaded the path, to the unpainted, rickety gate at the back that had been barely visible from the practice room’s door.

He opened the gate, satisfied at its shriek, and looked out at the broad plaza back there. Back here, truly, you wouldn’t know you were in Paris. This garden gate opened to a bucolic landscape – the back of several houses, narrow alleys running between the tall walls that encircled gardens.

There was a vague scent of roses in the air, and Porthos remembered that Guillaume had come in yesterday with a rose in his cap – a bright red rose with wide-spread petals, of the sort that often grew along the lanes of Porthos native village. Guillaume had said they were flowering just up the lane from here.

Like a dog on the trail, Porthos followed the strong scent of roses across the plaza. Peering down a lane, he saw a straggle of nearly wild roses pushing over the top of a rickety stone wall. The roses were exactly the same color and look as the one Guillaume had worn.

Convinced he at least knew the boy had come this way, Porthos trotted down the narrow alley. It was barely wide enough for his shoulders and it was hemmed in by two very long, very high walls, both of which, from the noise and talks emerging from beyond them, probably hid to communal gardens shared by several rental houses or houses filled with rental rooms.

At the end of the alley, another alley ran across it, forming as if the top of a t. Porthos frowned. Right or left? If he went right, and the boy was coming in, late, from the left, he would miss him completely. And then Guillaume would wonder where Porthos had gone.

What had Guillaume said about his route here? What that might give Porthos a clue as to where the boy came from?

Vaguely, because he hadn’t been paying much attention, Porthos remembered that Guillaume had complained of the heat of a smithy he passed on the way here. It had been a couple of weeks ago, when August was at its hottest, the sun beating Paris to a red heat, as though it had been metal laying on Vulcan’s own forge.

And now straining his ears, Porthos could ear as if hammers on metal. From the right. He hastened down the right side of the alley, till he came to a busy forge. It took up the bottom space of a tall house, but it had at least three doors, all of them open to the day. There were anvils with sweating men pounding on them, and there were boys working frantically at the bellows, and there was a nobleman – from the attire – in a corner, holding a nervous white horse who was being shoed by two muscular young men.

Porthos bit at the corner of his moustache. So – there was a forge. Pray heaven it was the right one. Now… from here…

Something about a fish monger’s. Just down the street. Porthos’s nose led again, till he came to a fish monger’s in a huge plaza. From there so many roads led on that Porthos found himself quite at a loss. Until he remembered Guillaume admiring Porthos’s new boots and saying that he’d seen some at the cobblers on the way here, but that his father would never give him money for them.

Peering down the streets, Porthos found the cobblers. From there, he remembered the boy making some mention of a tavern at the end of an alley and how musketeers sometimes drank there. The boy hadn’t wanted to discuss the tavern much, but he’d told Porthos it was the Hangman.

From Porthos’s foggy memories of being led by Athos to every tavern in Paris, when Athos was in one of his drinking moods, Porthos found the alley that led to the back of the Hangman.

He walked down half the alley before he saw the boy. At first, he thought it was just a pile of clothes, though the clothes were purple velvet and the hat had a plume uncommonly like Guillaume’s. It was crumpled against a wall, on the muddy ground of the alley at the back of the tavern.

But when Porthos approached, his big feet raising dull echoes from the packed dirt, the bundle near the wall stirred, the hat went up, and a flushed, haggard face with bulging blue eyes stared at Porthos.

“Guillaume,” Porthos said. “What is wrong, boy?”

The boy looked at Porthos. His eyes were wide, and shiny but didn’t seem to see him. “The angels,” he said. “The angels flying.” He was very red.

“Oh, here, boy. How much did you drink?” Porthos asked, feeling annoyed with Guillaume and with himself. It was clear the boy had got hold of wine somewhere. Clumsily, Porthos reached for the boy and tried to make him stand, but he only flopped around like an ill-stuffed rag doll.

Guillaume’s arms moved, outward. “Flying,” he said.

And here, Porthos was momentarily confused. The boy was flushed, and he acted drunk, but there was no smell of alcohol about him. Could he have gone mad? Or was he ill?

“Here,” Porthos said, trying to support the boy as he would one of his comrades when wounded or drunk.

But the boy twisted and convulsed.

“Thirsty,” he said. “Very thirsty.”

Porthos, despairing of holding him firm, finally lifted him up and threw him over his shoulder. He would take Guillaume back to his lodgings then call on Aramis. Aramis knew nearly anything and everyone. If the boy was sick, Aramis was the best person to find the boy’s family. Sick or mad, they would need to know.

Porthos hurried back towards his lodging at a semi-run. The boy, thrown over his shoulder, talked constantly, but not of anything that Porthos could see. “Beautiful,” he’d say. “Angels. Flying. Flying. Birds. The sky is so blue.”

These words, as they walked through narrow, darkened alleys made the hair at the back of Porthos’s neck stand up. It was as if the boy were talking of some reality only he could see.

Suddenly he stopped and convulsed, then again. There was a sound like a startled sigh.

It didn’t surprise Porthos when he put the boy down on the floor of the practice room to find the boy had died. Still he checked it, with a finger laid against the boy’s neck, a hand searching for a heart beat that wasn’t there.

At long last, he stood and slowly removed his hat in respect for the small corpse with his wide-open eyes, his expression of surprise.

Guillaume D’Jaucourt was dead. Who knew from what? Who knew how to contact his family? Who could break the news to them? And – if murder had been done – who could ensure the killer was found?

Athos, Aramis, D’Artagnan. The names of his friends, the other three of what all called the four inseparables, came unbidden to Porthos mind. He never doubted it.

Slamming the hat back down on his head, he left the practice room, closing the door gently behind him. Athos, noble as Scipio and twice as wise, Aramis, learned in theology and the labyrinthine ways of Parisian society, D’Artagnan the young, cunning Gascon. Those three would know how to help Porthos seek justice for his apprentice.

 

 

 

Up and Down The Staircase; Alarm and Peril

The Demands of Friendship

 

The two men looked as different as two men could look. Early morning, on the marble staircase that led from the antechamber of Monsieur de Treville’s antechamber to his private office, they fought a mock duel for the right to ascend the staircase.

Defending it, on the higher step, was a dark haired, pale skinned man. His features would have made a classical sculptor weep and his zeal-burned dark blue eyes could have graced a mystic or a saint. But he stood, sword in hand, with the adept grace of the veteran duelist. His tight laced, Spanish cut doublet and knee-breeches, now more than a decade out of fashion, lent him a timeless air and also the air of one who would have control over his own body.

His name was Athos and had been Athos ever since he’d joined the musketeers to hide who knew what shame or disgrace. Throughout Paris it was rumored that he came from the highest nobility and that his crime was such that, if named, it would cause the heavens to shudder.

The rumors were almost right. Before assuming the musketeer’s uniform as other men take the penitent’s cowl, the man had been Alexandre, Count de la Fere, descended from one of the oldest and most honored noble houses in the kingdom. And the sin for which he sought to atone was the execution of his countess for what had then seemed to him sufficient reason – but which seemed more monstrous with each passing year and more unjustified with each new rigor of his chosen penance.

Facing him, on the step below was a man in his mid twenties. With his long blond hair, his soft, supple clothes that dripped with lace and screamed with edging and which gave him the appearance of a dandy, he might look soft and effeminate. No one who saw him would retain the illusion long and certainly not after seeing the feline leaps, the graceful falls, the seemingly careless lunges of his sword play.

He called himself Aramis and said he was merely sojourning in the musketeers till he considered himself worthy of joining a monastical order. Indeed, only some years ago, as the young and naive Rene Chevalier D’Herblay, he’d been a seminarian in Paris, intent on taking the orders for which his pious mother had destined him from birth.

But D’Herblay’s weakness was women. And unfortunately women showed the same propensity towards him. Which was why he’d been found reading the lives of saints to a lady of slightly less pure reputation than her family would wish. In the resulting duel he’d killed the lady’s brother. Because dueling was illegal, ever since then he’d been hiding in the Musketeers, under the name of Aramis.

Now he climbed the stair, pressing his friend close, his thrusts so carefully aimed that they did no more than slit the fabric of Athos’s doublet.

“You really must learn to cover your right,” he told Athos with a smile that might pass as a smirk. Athos frowned.

Aramis smirked more widely. There was an excitement in taunting Athos. Aramis had known his friend long enough and seen him in close enough situations that he realized inside Athos there was as if a wild beast, looking out and snarling in fury and held in check only by Athos’s intellect and Athos’s conscience. There was the feeling that at any moment the control might slip loose and the beast escape the confinement of the well trained nobleman.

But not now, and not over a game. Instead, Athos smiled back, one of his rare smiles, this one tinged with the amusement someone might feel towards an impertinent child. He charged down the stairs, pressing Aramis close and making Aramis sweat in trying to parry all the thrusts.

The rules of this game, as it was played by the corps of musketeers — the best sword fighters in the reign of his Majesty Louis XIII of France — were that the first to be pressed all the way up the stairs to the landing in front of the door to the office of Monsieur de Treville, their captain, or the first one to be pushed all the way down the stairs and off the steps altogether would lose the game. The loss usually involved many jokes from all their comrades and, inevitably, a round of forfeited drinks stood by the loser and a round of celebratory drinks by the winner.

Aramis had no intention of losing. He’d lost the last three times he’d played this game with Athos, and the one he’d played it with Porthos. He’d not yet succeeded in challenging the cunning Gascon, D’Artagnan, to this past time. The cunning newcomer to their group had a way of smiling and ignoring the best taunts and challenges from the rest of them. Unnerving when it had been so easy to challenge him to a duel on his first day in Paris. One must conclude either that the Gascon had grown prudent – something as unlikely as a fish growing wings – or that he valued his purse higher than his life. This last was quite likely, particularly as his purse, like that of the rest of them, was so often empty.

Aramis’s was not exactly brimming with coin just now, and he knew while he might be able to forego paying drinks as a winner by pleading poverty, he could never forego paying the forfeited drinks to the winner and any hangers-ons should he lose. And Athos could drink most men in Paris under the table, while showing no other sign of inebriation than a profound and growing melancholy.

On this thought, Aramis found himself on the very last step of the stairs, defending himself ineptly with his sword held too close to his body, while Athos charged down the steps, his lips curled in that curious snarl-look they got when he was near claiming victory. Seeing Athos like this, always raised the question whether the musketeer would remember in time that this was a friendly game and stop himself from spearing his friend through.

Aramis was fairly sure he would and yet he was not willing to lose the remaining content of his purse. Making use of his agility, which was his greatest asset in any duel, he made as if to leap down, then ducked under Athos’s sword arm and came at him from the other side, pushing Athos’s sword out of the way with his doublet-padded fore-arm, and physically forcing his friend to take three steps up hastily. This gave Aramis room enough to lope upwards two steps and reengage Athos in sword play.

 

From beneath came the sound of shouted encouragements. “There’s life in Aramis yet.” And “For a priest, he doesn’t fight badly.” And, of course, “He is right, Athos does leave his right shoulder shamefully uncovered.”

All of it followed by the clink of coins that indicated that bets were being made and paid by the mass of musketeers down there, in the waiting room.

Aramis tried to ignore them, as he concentrated on pushing Athos up yet another couple of steps, an intention that Athos resisted with his not inconsiderable skill at parrying. In a way these mock duels were harder than the real duels, where Aramis could simply have tried to thrust his sword through his opponent’s heart. But he would never injure Athos, or not voluntarily.

Together, Athos, Aramis, Porthos and even the newcomer, D’Artagnan, had dueled and bled. Their friendship had been cemented by a hundred instances of mutual defense, a thousand shared secrets. They could no more kill each other than they could commit suicide. One would feel much like the other at any rate. And not killing Athos while forcing him up the steps was harder than it would have been to kill just about anyone. After all, they’d practiced and fought together so long, each knew the other very well and every move could be antecipated.

It was easiest of all to fight each other to a standstill. To get through, Aramis must block every thought and every move that didn’t have anything to do with sword and footwork, and the unyielding body in front of him… He must forget it was Athos. Only remember he must not kill him. He must…

With swords clashing, in the sound of metal, and, with their swords gripped between them and held upright, with too little room to move, Aramis pressed forward with his body, forcing Athos up one step, two, another… Very quickly.

And then Athos recovered his balance. And on that balance came the ineluctable fact that Athos weighed more than Aramis – his rather solid mass of muscle and bone still looked lean enough but was by far more hefty than Aramis’s gracile figure. Once Athos had firmly planted his feet, Aramis could not budge him.

Athos speaking through his teeth said, “Will you claim forfeit, Aramis?”

From his voice, it was hard to tell whether it was a taunt or whether he truly meant for Aramis to forfeit the game and concede defeat, even though the younger musketeer was nowhere near losing. From Athos’s maddened dark blue eyes, too, it was hard to tell if he even remembered what humor was.

“Sangre dieu, Athos,” Aramis said. “Would I forfeit?”

“Well,” Athos said. “Then I have no choice but to make sure you lose.” And on that the larger musketeer gave his friend a shove.

Aramis caught himself quickly. A foot behind to recover his balance, and no harm really done, and then – from the door to the antechamber, a familiar voice calling, “Aramis!”

He turned, without even thinking. He turned, half ready to scold Porthos for interrupting him at his game, and then he saw Porthos.

The huge redhead whose ancestors, doubtless, had come to the coasts of France in long ships, was not dressed in the style in which he usually permitted himself to appear in public. That was the first thing strange about it all, because Porthos was vain as a peacock and his normal attire in public was twice as bright as any bird’s plumage. Aramis could not remember his friend ever having appeared in public in this attire of worn linen breaches and a tunic that looked like a beggar would disdain it. No. Aramis had seen Porthos in these clothes, but only in the practice room, in the privacy of Porthos’s own lodgings.

In the normal course of things, Porthos would rather – much rather – die than be seen in public in this shabby a display. But, worse, the face above the clothes looked like Porthos had already died. Pale and bloodless, with a greyish tinge to the lips, Porthos’s skin made his eyes look unnaturally bright, his hair and beard a screaming scarlet stain.

“Porthos,” Aramis said. And thinking no more of his duel or his potential forfeiting of money to buy enough drinks to fill the Seine – or satisfy Athos – he jumped over the elaborate railing of the staircase and landed, sword still in hand, in a hastily cleared space in the hall below.

Too late he realized he had probably forfeited the contest, and was not reassured by the sound of Athos’s landing on the mosaic floor behind him. Not reassured as far as losing the contest, at least but reassured by Athos’s support. He heard Athos sheathe his sword and remembered to sheathe his own.

The crowd was parting between him and Porthos. Though they were all musketeers, battle hardened and ready to defend themselves against many foes, few had the body to obstruct Porthos’s progress. The sheer bulk of Porthos would clear the way. And few of them would stand in front of Athos or Aramis either.

So as the crowd melted away and pressed out of their path, on either side of the room, Aramis and Athos met with Porthos.

Porthos was silent – which in itself was strange, after demanding their attention so forcefully. He looked from one to the other of them, and then at the staircase and the railing over which Aramis had jumped. He frowned, as though trying to make sense of something particularly difficult. “Sorry I interrupted your game,” he said.

“The game matters not,” Athos said. “We can finish another time.”

And, as Aramis let out breath relieved at not being held to forfeit, Porthos nodded. “It’s very important, see? He’s dead.”

“Who is dead, who?” Aramis asked, his impatience tempered by concern. He would easily have been the first to admit that his friend was inarticulate and had a difficult time expressing himself. But today Porthos seemed inarticulate even for himself. As if he were in shock. And why would Porthos be in shock at someone’s death? Death was their profession and their companion, walking by their side night and day.

“Who is dead? Who?” he asked, in alarm and, lowering his voice, as the horrible thought occurred to him that he’d not seen the young Gascon since last night. “Not… D’Artagnan?”

But Porthos’s eyes widened in surprise, as if D’Artagnan’s death had never occurred to him, and then he shook his huge leonine head. “No. Not him. The boy. My apprentice.”

Apprentice? Frowning, unable to understand of what Porthos spoke, Aramis realized that other musketeers were listening in on their conversation and that a hushed silence had fallen in the room.

Before he could think what this meant, he heard a well known voice yell, from upstairs, the entrance to the Captain’s office, “Athos, Porthos, Aramis.”

Aramis turned to see a musketeer – who had been in conference with the captain – skulk down the stairs. At the top of the stairs Monsieur de Treville stood, glaring down at them.

 

Though he was as olive skinned and as short as their friend D’Artagnan, who came up barely to Aramis’s shoulder and no more than to Porthos chest, there was not a man in the room that wouldn’t swear Monsieur de Treville was at least twelve feet tall. And each and everyone of them would have allowed himself to be – cheerfully – cut into ribbons for the captain.

Which was why Aramis’s breath caught in his throat as the Captain said, “If the three of you, gentlemen, would come in to my office, I’d like to be a part of your conference.”

Without a word, Aramis turned to obey. And found that Athos was already ahead of him, running up the stairs. But he had to reach for Porthos’s arm and pull before the giant musketeer realized he must obey. That he hadn’t jumped to the captain’s order meant something was very wrong indeed.

 

 

Monsieur de Treville’s Displeasure; Secrets Kept; Where Plots and Treason Lurk in Every Corner

 

“Am I to understand,” Monsieur de Treville asked, frowning, and rounding on Athos, as he entered the office, “That your young friend, D’Artagnan, got himself killed?”

Athos whipped his plumed hat from his head and inclined slightly. In the anteroom he never bothered remove his headgear, but here, and in the presence of his superior, he had to. “I don’t believe so, Monsieur de Treville. At least Porthos said no. Didn’t you, Porthos?”

 

He looked sideways towards his red-headed friend, to see him standing there, beside Aramis, his mouth half-open and a look of confused thought on his broad features, for all the world as though Athos had just asked him an insoluble question.

Aramis who could be as impatient as any of them with Porthos’s slowness looked shocked at Porthos’s silence. He reached out and shook Porthos arm. “Porthos!” he said. “It is not D’Artagnan who is dead, is it?”

“What?” Porthos said, as though waking. He looked at the captain as though noticing him for the first time, and, whipping his hat from his head fanned himself with it. “No, it’s not D’Artagnan.” He looked around, and homed in on one of the three armchairs that faced a broad desk. He dropped into one of them and only then seemed to notice the surprised look on the face of the Captain who remained standing. “I beg your pardon, Monsieur de Treville,” he said then. “It’s been a hell of a shock.”

For a moment it all hung in the balance. Athos’s memory extended back over the years when they’d all gotten excoriated in this office for small offenses and big, ranging from having allowed themselves to be defeated in a duel by guards of the cardinal to the recent and horrible time when Monsieur de Treville had been convinced that Aramis had murdered his mistress. For an offense like Porthos’s – of sitting down in the captain’s office without the captain’s permission – it could go either way. The captain could laugh it off or he could yell at the musketeer in terms that would peal the skin of an elephant.

The shrewd dark eyes of the captain narrowed as his gaze swept over Porthos. And perhaps because he noticed the musketeer’s unusual pallor, his look of stunned shock, Monsieur de Treville sighed and shrugged.

“Who is dead, Porthos?” he said. “And why do you announce it in my antechamber, thus starting the gossip flowing?” As he spoke, he walked around his own desk, and sat down in his own chair. He waved to Aramis and Athos. “You may sit down as well, gentlemen, since Monsieur Porthos took the initiative.”

Again there was the little surprised motion, as if Porthos hadn’t fully woken till then. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Shouldn’t I have sat down? What…”

“No,” Monsieur de Treville said firmly. “Never mind that. Only tell us who is dead.”

“My apprentice,” Porthos said. “The boy.”

“What boy?” Aramis cut in impatiently, mirroring the impatience that Athos himself was starting to feel. “We did not have the pleasure of knowing that you had an apprentice.”

Porthos shrugged. “I did not see any reason to tell you since it didn’t involve you.”

Athos waited for Porthos to go on and when nothing issued from Porthos’s lips, he prompted. “Well, will you tell us now?”

“I believe I must,” Porthos said. He sighed. “Since otherwise I might never know who murdered the boy.”

“Oh, so it is murder you’ve alarmed my antechamber with,” Monsieur de Treville said, his voice just caught between amusement and impatience.

This Athos could understand, since Porthos often caused both feelings in him. The gigantic musketeer from Normandy was not, at the best of times, a master of rhetoric. In fact, many of the men who assembled in the antechamber right now took him for a simpleton and marveled that such men as Athos and Aramis associated with him. And most of them attributed their friendship to charity.

But the truth was that Athos — who’d despaired of heaven on that day when he’d left his wife swinging by the neck from a low branch in his domain of la Fere and abandoned both title and lands to come to Paris and become a musketeer – had very little interest in charity and very little interest in those who were his intellectual inferiors. He knew that in Porthos’s huge head, beneath the wealth of red hair, worked a brain at least as fast as his own and probably faster. Time and again, in difficult situations, it had been Porthos who had cut through the fog of confusion and theories to see the plain truth: a gift far rarer than seeing the complex truth.

It was just that Porthos – who had once been a dance master; who was unequaled with sword, and whose thought could follow complex puzzles – found his way to words difficult and barred, as though his words must reach the world, one at a time through a small slit in a thick wall.

Now, having declared that he must tell them about his apprentice he’d ground again into silence. His huge fingers played with the gold braid on the edge of his hat and he looked attentively down at them, as though hypnotized by their movement.

“Porthos, you must speak,” Athos said, commanding his voice to gentleness. His life had schooled him little in such. His father had demanded much of him, from manliness to courage, but never tenderness and never charity to those weaker than himself. He’d been inclined to it at any rate, as a young man who read much and thought more. But he’d had to leave tenderness and finer feeling behind after his wife Charlotte’s death. After Charlotte’s murder. “Porthos,” he said, again a little louder, as Porthos turned to look at him. “You must tell us who your apprentice is and why he’s dead and why you’re here.”

Porthos shook his head as though to clear it. “He was Guillaume Joucourt,” he said. “And he came to me to learn swordfighting. And he died just a little while ago. He’s in my practice room. I’m not sure he was murdered, of course. I think he was poisoned.”

“He came to you to learn swordfighting?” Aramis asked. “In the name of all that’s holy, why? Why would anyone come to you for sword fighting lessons?”

Porthos looked wounded, then shrugged. “You did. Once.”

“You were a sword master then. It is different,” Aramis said.

And Monsieur de Treville’s voice cut in, cold and sensible and holding only the slightest tinge of that amusement that Porthos’s caused in most people when they weren’t exasperated at him. “Did he know who you were, Porthos? Or suspect?”

Porthos shrugged, then nodded. “He came to me,” he said. “And tried to blackmail me into teaching him,” he said. “He was,” the huge hand was held up at about his shoulder height while sitting. “This tall. And a stripling with barely as much width to his whole trunk as one of my legs. Redheaded. Freckled. With pimples starting. And he told me I had to help him learn to fight with a sword or he would tell the world my secret.”

“And you taught him?” Athos asked.

Porthos looked up. Suddenly he smiled. For the first time since he’d come in looking dismal and cold and lost, he looked like himself. “Not because of the blackmail,” he said. “Look, he was a child. Barely twelve. And all of us when we were children, we were subjected to our parents’ whims. My father didn’t want me to learn to read, and Aramis’s mother didn’t want him to learn to fight. And Athos–” he stopped. Their eyes met and Porthos’s smile died entirely away and he shrugged.

Athos wondered what he’d been about to say. Porthos and Athos had never, that he knew, discussed Athos’s upbringing. In fact, of all of them, he was the one who’d ever been least inclined to speak of his upbringing and background. They might know of the crime that had sent him into the musketeers, to flee his conscience more than anything else. But of the time before that, they knew nothing. Athos was not curious enough to ask. Porthos had an inconvenient habit of knowing the truth. He looked away from Porthos and at Monsieur de Treville sitting judge-like behind his desk.

“Well, I felt that sometimes parents don’t know what’s best for their child,” Porthos said. His voice had lost some of its force but regained it as he went on. “And Guillaume’s parents might not want him to learn to fight, and they might intend him for the church, but some of our best fighters have been men in orders and some of our best religious men have been fierce swordsmen.”

“Indeed,” Aramis said, not without irony. “His eminence Cardinal Richelieu, himself.”

It was like Porthos not to take this for a challenge but to accept it as a comment, Athos thought. Because Richelieu had indeed been a fierce duelist in his youth.

Porthos clearly saw nothing wrong with the mention of him. “Like him,” he said. “So I thought what harm does it do to teach Guillaume a little sword play, if he can get away from his parents to learn? What ill does it do? Who cares?”

“His parents perhaps,” Aramis said, his voice cutting cold.

“Well, perhaps,” Porthos said, and shrugged. “But I figured soon enough and somehow that boy would be out on his own recognizance and he would do as he pleased. And if he was that desperate to learn that he went through the trouble of finding out who I was and of coming to me,” He spread his hands across the top of his hat. “I thought the least I could do is teach him.”

“And did his family find out?” Athos asked sharply. “Are you sure he died by poison and not from a beating? Some parents…”

Porthos shook his head. “No marks on him. Almost for sure poison, unless someone hit him on the head. He was talking about angels and flying.”

Aramis, facing Athos over Porthos’s inclined head quirked an eyebrow. Athos shrugged. It could be anything. The boy’s father might have found out and punished him severely. But why should he? “Wouldn’t it have been easier for the parents to prevent the boy from coming to lessons?” he said.

“Exactly,” said Monsieur de Treville. He brought his hands up, with his wrists resting on the polished desk, and touched the tips of his fingers together. “Exactly what I was thinking, Athos. I was also thinking that no matter how determined to devote the child to the church few parents would view this delinquency as little more than a show of spirit.”

“And if they were determined to send him to the church,” Aramis said. “They were more likely to punish him by making him repeat maxims of the testament or study his theology.” Somehow he managed an audible shudder in his disciplined, well-bred voice.

Porthos raised his eyebrows but said nothing.

“Exactly,” Monsieur de Treville said again, and then, looking straight at Porthos. “Jaucourt, you said? Not a name known to me. A noble family, you think?”

“He referred to his father as the gentleman Jaucourt,” Porthos said.

“I’ve never heard of them,” Monsieur de Treville said. “Of course there are many families come from provincial domains in search of fortune or royal favor in Paris whose names wouldn’t be known to me. But usually, if a family is at court, some rumor of their presence, some reference to one of their retainers, reaches my ears.” He wiggled his fingers against each other and seemed immersed in black thoughts. “Did he ever tell you how he found out your true identity, Porthos?”

“Sir?” Porthos asked, puzzled.

“If he was truly twelve,” Monsieur de Treville said. “Or thereabouts, surely he can’t have done a great deal of searching out the truth on his own. How would he come by it?”

Porthos shrugged. “It’s… People know it, Captain. I lived in Paris before I joined the musketeers.” He opened his hands and if to signal the obvious. “And I’m not exactly one of those people who pass unnoticed in a crowd.”

Monsieur de Treville nodded, but his long, thin-fingered hand stroked at his well trimmed beard. “Doubtless,” he said, and smiled a little as if to acknowledge that the thought of Porthos passing unnoticed in any crowd was ridiculous. “But it’s been many years, Porthos, and how would the boy know?”

Porthos shrugged again. “Perhaps his father knew?”

“From a noble family so newly arrived to Paris that we’ve never heard of their name? Unlikely, my friend,” the captain said.

“But then,” Athos said, “What do you think is behind all this?” As for himself, he couldn’t anymore have articulated a coherent theory than he could have hazarded a reasonable-sounding guess, but something was working at the back of his mind, something that made the hair stand on end in the nape of his neck.

Monsieur de Treville shook his head. “I hesitate to say it,” he said. “Since it is possible I am wrong and just of habit attributing the worst of villainy to a foe. But the Cardinal bears you some ill will – has born all of you some ill will for a long time, for being the fiercest fighters in his majesty’s musketeers. And since these past two recent incidents in which you foiled his plans…*1” Monsieur de Treville drummed his fingers on the desktop. “Well, his animosity for you knows no bounds. I would say, Porthos my friend, it is quite likely the boy was sent to you and told who you were. That his death owes something to the Cardinal. And that things are set to accuse you of murder, in an attempt to defend yourself from blackmail. What–” The captain stopped. Porthos was shaking his head violently.

“No,” he said. “Guillaume was sincere and sincerely seeking instruction in sword fighting.”

The captain shrugged. “Perhaps. I did not say he wasn’t. Only that the cardinal was behind sending him to you and that the Cardinal is behind his death. Or might be. Just because Cardinal Richelieu is the greatest power in France, more powerful even than the king it doesn’t follow that every plot and every evil should be laid at his door. However, a lot of them can and it also doesn’t follow he wasn’t behind this one.”

“And,” Athos said, feeling his uneasiness answered by the captain’s theory. “The truth is that it would be all too easy for him to find a young boy of small nobility, dissatisfied with his lot in life and to arm him with the means to approach you. It would be no more unlikely than his finding an orphan and putting her in a position to impersonate the Queen, all without the poor young woman knowing she was being used at all. 2 It could have happened that way, Porthos.”

“But… a child?” Porthos asked.

 

“If the Cardinal thought it fit his views of what is good for France, I think he’d willingly kill a newborn dauphin in his swaddling clothes.”

Porthos looked at Athos, intently, his eyes focusing seemingly with all his will. “If the Cardinal has anything to do with Guillaume’s death, he shall be called out, Cardinal or not.”

The Captain looked alarmed. He came out from behind his desk and put his hand on Porthos’s shoulder. “Porthos, my friend. The important thing right now is for you – all four of you, including your friend D’Artagnan, who was privy to the other crime investigations – to find out who the boy truly was, how he died, and if there’s a culprit. If it turns out to be the Cardinal, I shall take it upon myself to seek vengeance. I shall present proof to his Majesty himself. Meanwhile, I would say you must hide this crime. And you must promise me that you’ll do nothing rash.”

“Captain,” Porthos said, sounding bullish.

“Promise me Porthos. Haven’t I saved your life on more than one occasion?”

“Monsieur de Treville, you have, but–”

“Then promise me.”

There was a long silence. Athos could almost imagine the cogs turning inside his friend’s head as he weighed the best course of action.

At last Porthos sighed heavily. “I promise. I promise I shall do nothing until I know. If the Cardinal is guilty though… I will demand my revenge.”

“Then we shall talk again,” Monsieur de Treville said. “Meanwhile, I would send for your Gascon friend and start your enquiries.”

I’ve been absent a while

Mostly because I’ve been very, very busy.

However, I had to share this. The cover is ready for Heart Of Light and I can honestly say it’s the best cover I’ve EVER had. (I know, I know, half of you are shaking your heads and saying “Not that that’s saying much.”)

Sarah

Impacting the Emblemization

Today I hiked the half hour to the library and back to return some very late books.  These were books on evolution and dinosaurs which the younger sprout had got and then proceded to drag into his cave-like den and not give back in time for me to return.  An oversight compounded by the fact that in my infinite wisdom I forgot how to log onto the online site to renew the books.

Anyway, the bite wasn’t bad.  About $8 total.  And walking to the library was good for me.  We’ve been much too sedentary of late.  However, because I bore easily, I dragged one of the boys out of bed to walk to the library with.  Robert was the lucky winner — being much easier to wake up than Eric.

On the way up from the library, we were discussing the short story he’s working on — zombie dinosaur.  Seriously — and he said writers emblemized something or other.

I was sure he’d made up the word on the spot.  He came home and proved to me — with dictionary — that he wasn’t.

This is all fine and dandy, but it still HAS to be one of the ugliest words I’ve ever heard.  I suspect it’s a result of the tendency to unduly verbify nouns, exemplified by such words as “impacting.”  They might be perfectly serviceable, but they grate at some basic word-lover level.

I’d say emblemize emblemizes the impacting of the verbification of nouns.  We should index it and de-contentise it.

Seriously — is this another of those instances of “it only bothers you, Sarah”?  Or are there words so ugly they make your ears hurt to hear them?

The Kindness Of Strangers

I should be working on my overdue novel or writing my overdue short story. I’m not. The reason I’m not is because I’ve been turning an ethical problem in my mind.

And this is going to lead me to break one of my longstanding rules, which is not discussing religion or politics in public.

Not that what I’m about to discuss is religion – exactly – or politics – exactly. But it touches on both.

The fact is, I’m aware that some of you are going to be very angry at me. I’m aware some of you will be angry enough never to read me again. I’m also aware that I’ll be violating one of Heinlein’s rules – to wit – “Only a fool or a sadist tells the unvarnished truth in social situations.”

Perhaps I’m going menopausal. Or perhaps I simply don’t care anymore. Or perhaps sometimes – SOMETIMES – the truth needs to be told.

I know I will get a very strong reaction to this because I’ve discussed this topic before, years ago, in a women’s writing group. The group consensus was that I was “mean” or perhaps “evil” and there was nothing I could do to change it.

And yet – and yet – I see evil in what is going on. And I think it should be stopped.

So I’ll begin at the beginning. Let’s talk about charity.

I grew up, like any normal kid in a fairly “nice” family learning to share and to give to those who had less than I. This was so emphasized that until I was twenty eight I thought I had killed my cousin Dulce by refusing to share my bread and butter with her. (She died in the last small pox epidemic to sweep through Europe. As I had it too, I’m sure some reference was made to the fact we were playing together a week or so before. That my mind attributed this to my refusing to share just goes to show how I was brought up.)

Beyond that, I always had a sense of empathy. Like most of your nerdy writers, as a child I was excluded from enough games and clubs to give me a sympathy for the underdog. So far so good.

And then when I was eleven, I joined a youth group. This was the seventies. We were for social action and justice. Which was our parents’ charity and poor relief dressed up and nice and with a new hairdo.

We spent six months – SIX months holding fund raisers and collecting money. One of the girls in the group had come up with this idea that we should help this family that lived next to her. Six kids in a shotgun apartment, no decent clothes, no toys and most of the time no food on the table.

We worked our behinds off. We were that kind of earnest young people. And I was so proud, so incredibly proud, when we collected the equivalent of about six months’ salary and delivered it to these people. I could imagine what a difference it would make in their lives. I could JUST see it.

I felt very virtuous. This lasted until I told my mom what we’d done. Mom was horrified. Turns out the parents were both alcoholics. Not only wouldn’t the kids get any of the money, but the parents would use it to get stinking drunk, which in turn would result in more aggression towards the kids… you get the point.

Turned out mom was right – bummer – and I’ve never felt that virtuous since.

This is apropos what?

Well, bear with me.

Thirteen years ago when we moved to town – an apartment near downtown – I loved this city. One of the things I loved was how SAFE it was. There were exactly four “homeless” people identifiable as living downtown. I’m sure there were more served by the various shelters, which demanded sobriety or a modicum thereof before you used their services. But downtown, we saw four. And, really, downtown was a safe, friendly place, with a lot of small businesses in place. I could, without driving, buy most things I needed, from groceries to office supplies. The kids could sit out on the front porch, when they were toddlers. It was just nice.

And then it changed.

Because I don’t follow such things it took me time to figure out why – all of a sudden – every corner had people pushing shopping carts. Aggressive people; people mumbling to themselves. It took me time to figure out why the little park in the middle of town was now infested by people sleeping on the grass, threatening (and mugging passerbies.) Why the little businesses were fleeing downtown. Why my friend who worked downtown had issues with people coming into the bookstore and urinating on the carpet.

The city hadn’t grown that much. It might have doubled in size, but I don’t think so.

And the local economy was not worse. On the contrary. We’ve been ranked as one of the more affluent towns in the US. So… how come this problem suddenly.

And then the city forbid panhandling – this is not related, except where it got me to understand the situation a little better – and all of a sudden the newspapers were full of interviews with the people affected…

Do you know, with a few exceptions – families fallen on hard times and the like, though they’re not the kind that haunts parks – the “homeless” population could be divided in two: Young kids – teens to twenties – who’d run away from home. And people who had been living a rootless, boundary-less life since the sixties or seventies.

The funny thing, you know, is that I’d always thought kids who ran away from home did so because they were being abused or there was another huge problem. And some of them did mention that. However, the vast majority of the young indigent said a paraphrase of “I left home because my parents had all these rules. And now, man, if I can’t panhandle, I’ll have to go back.”

The adults, otoh had various expressions of confusion as to why we were doing this to them and how – with no provocation – we were taking away their means of livelihood.

Since that time I’ve been a little skeptical about the type of charity that just gives “services” to the homeless.

My skepticism increased when I realized a) the reason downtown was now full of homeless was a “no questions asked” soup kitchen run by Catholic Charities right smack downtown. b) Homeless were taking the bus from the largest city nearby. (This is not a conjecture. I overheard them talking and on one signal occasion was approached by one demanding to know where the soup kitchen was because he’d just taken the bus to our town. They’d told him there was this great place…)

Okay – hear me out – I’m neither mean nor stupid, nor have I arrived at this opinion without a lot of thought.

Look, I’m not saying we shouldn’t feed the hungry. Yeah, we should if we can. I assure you that for a long part of my teen years I needed – and received – both food and clothing from the charity of strangers. One of the reasons the Red Cross will always get a check from me was the clothes I wouldn’t otherwise have had after that growth spurt at fourteen.

That’s not the point. The point is that the first rule of charity should always be: First Do No Harm.

I still live downtown. I walk by the park a lot. And you know what? I’m sorry for these people. Really and truly sorry. Most of them not only lack the skills to integrate in society – they lack an understanding of WHY they should.

They get food. They get clothes. They get a place to sleep. WHY should they change anything about how they live? Why shouldn’t they do drugs and have promiscuous sex? Those of them who are mentally unstable not only have no reason to seek treatment or to take their medications – they don’t KNOW they SHOULD.

Oh, I’m sure people who volunteer at the soup kitchen – and other places – tell them they should. But… the thing is, they are human right? Humans work mostly on inertia. If you don’t make it difficult to just drift on, why should they try?

Now and then you hear of people who clean up, who move on and up. But these are the exceptions. Like people who lose 100 lbs, they are the exception and display immense willpower.

Our society is so affluent we can afford to give these people a life that’s downright luxurious compared to the peasants of most societies in history. Food everyday. Enough clothes to cover themselves. Clean places to sleep at night.

And we demand nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I realize part of this is a reaction to Victorian times, when it was assumed that people were poor because they’d done something wrong. I know many people are poor through no fault of their own – or at least no fault of their own that they can easily remedy. Lack of skills, lack of will power, just a lack of ambition, are enough to keep someone born outside the right conditions “down.”

But most of the time, none of those are enough to make the person outright “homeless.” That requires worse. A stroke of bad luck might do it, if bad enough. A mental condition. Or… a drug addiction. Alcohol abuse.

The stroke of bad luck usually leads to people living in their cars or crashing with friends. It leads to people who are TECHNICALLY homeless, but not the visibly so. Not the ones who haunt the park and mug passerbye. These people – the homeless with cause or, to use an old-fashioned term, the deserving poor – are undoubtedly there through no fault of their own. And there are already several organizations that assist them. If they need anything, they need an explanation of how to get there from here – how to apply for help; whom to ask.

And then there are the others – the VAST majority of others – which are the ones who patronize this “no questions” soup kitchen. The ones who don’t know why they should change. The ones we are ENABLING in their dysfunction.

Yes, yes, I can hear the shouts now. I’m mean. I don’t care about poor people. I am made uncomfortable by the presence of the needy.

Except… That these “needy” are shutting down businesses and driving other people into poverty. Except that I do donate money/time/service to various causes helping those less fortunate than I. Except that I think what these “needy” need is help of a different sort. Help seeing the way out. Support on their way up. NOT “no guilt” help that keeps them trapped.

HOW can it possibly be that allowing them to self destruct helps them? Or society? Or the communities blighted by their presence?

Look – we’re back to that family and how GOOD I felt “helping” them. Except that I didn’t.

There was a way to help them – oh, sure there was – or at least a way that would have done no harm. We could have bought groceries for them for six months. This might still have led to more drinking as the parents might have sold the groceries – but it would have been more difficult.

Or – and far preferable – we could have given OF OURSELVES. We could have befriended those kids. Eventually taken them home to our comfortable houses for meals/playtime/interaction. This would have helped far more.

BUT that wasn’t easy. And besides, it wasn’t what it was all about. It was about social action. And justice. It was about collecting money and handing over a check. It was about the charity of strangers. And it was about a bunch of pre-teens feeling good and virtuous.

I think this soup kitchen – which is now undergoing a massive fundraising to expand – is about exactly those things. I’m sorry, but I believe it is about people who volunteer there and people who donate to it feeling good about themselves. D*mn good.

And who am I to grudge people a bit of self-satisfaction?

Well… perhaps I’m an evil bitch, because I feel that self-satisfaction arrived at the expense of other people’s lives is bad. Perhaps I’m an evil bitch because I care not only about the small businesses being driven from downtown and the families that can no longer work in the park but these people who are being “helped” to remain lost in a moral no-man’s land. With no way out.

I’m not against charity. I’m against charity to faceless strangers. I think most of the time it ends up doing evil.

There are ways to help – but those demand that you actually get close and personal. That you find out what’s holding these people down. That you CARE. For more than feeling virtuous. And that, let’s face it, it’s more than most people have the time or patience for.

Recently, reading St. Dale by Sharyn McCrumb (excellent book, btw) I came across a joke she quotes. A man is struggling in the water. “Help, help, I can’t swim.” Another man is standing by and says, “I can’t swim either. Will $20 help?”

This is what this “no strings” soup kitchen reminds me of. This is what catering to people’s physical needs and not their mental/spiritual ones reminds me of.

The charity of strangers. Well intentioned, perhaps. But mostly about the giver.

And in the end, I think in more than fifty percent of the cases it violates the dictate to “First, do no harm.”

 

Sarah’s Status Report — or — Sarah and the Forces of Evil

Every writer — heck, every reader — knows the forces of evil.  Those are those unaccountable, idiotic everyday events that cause you to get to the end of the day going “wha…?  What on Earth did I do today.”

Those forces of evil have been unusually active in my life recently, so I decided to start posting status reports and reports from the front of Sarah’s battle against the forces of evil.

So… we begin.

The week begun on Monday the 9th — something incidentally that someone should do something about, I mean, this starting on Monday, thing — with me still under the weather.  Under the weather is a polite way of putting it.  Whatever Slammed down on me on the second was more like 18 inches of snow and hurricane-force winds.  So on Monday the nineth I lay low.  Or mostly lay down and wished very hard to be able to breathe, while detecting seemingly undetectable improvements in my condition.

Tuesday 10 — the forces of evil continued to be unduly strong.  So, mostly I slept.  Oh, and felt guilty over not posting the next episode of the serial novel in the diner.

Wednesday 11 — I woke up feeling much better.  This improvement lasted, exactly, until my younger child made me aware of his extreme lack of clean pants.  I did fifteen loads of laundry — surely forces of evil — and in the process found out my freezer wasn’t working.  Since our freezer is loaded with enough meat to allow an eskimo village to survive winter, this was an emergency.  I ran to the garage to get the coolers to salvage the salvageable.  And then I tested the plug and the extension and… well… the dang thing is working again.  Hopefully it will refrain from breaking down anytime soon.  Total written — one page on outline.

Thursday 12 — apparently fixing freezers is a bad idea when one is just recovering from respiratory thing from beyond.  At least I assume so, because I promptly crashed most of the day.  No work done.

Friday 13 — Did you know it’s possible to sleep too much?  Truth that.  I woke up feeling cranky and hungover.  Slept too much.  It’s taken till now to feel human, and most of the day is gone.  I intend to finish outline while kids watch a movie tonight.  Oh, yeah, today was a snow day and kids home from school.  Another clear instance of the forces of evil.

So the summary for the week is the forces of evil win.  They have Sarah pinned down.  And yet, she’s not defeated.  Outlines shall be outlined.  Novels shall be finished.

Tune in next week for another installment of Sarah and the Forces of Evil.

Heart of Light

For those of you who remember that sometime ago I put up here the first few pages of a book, Heart Of Light, which I was just finishing.

The book has been finished and delivered — to Bantam — and now has a publishing date, in March 08.

In commemoration of this, here’s some more of it: 

The Wedding Night

 

“What is wrong?” Emily asked.

She sat naked on her bridal bed, the waves of her dark hair falling like a dusky veil over her golden shoulders and small breasts. Over it, wrapped around her, she clutched a multi-colored flowered shawl, a legacy from her Indian grandmother.

Nigel, her husband of ten hours, stood at the foot of the bed, trying to arrange his blue dressing gown with shaking hands and managing only to twist it, so it hung askew and displayed a portion of his pale, muscular chest.

He had turned away from her, but she could see his face reflected in the full length mirror. It showed a complexion splotched by sudden high red color, pale blond hair on end, where sweaty fingers had run through it again and again, and grey-blue eyes animated with an odd passion and rimmed by red as if Nigel – Nigel! – were near tears.

Emily pulled her long legs up, till her knees came right up to her pointed chin, and clutched her arms around her legs as she took a deep breath. It wasn’t possible that Nigel would cry. Proper gentlemen didn’t cry, and Nigel was as cool and collected as a gentleman could be.

“Have I done something?” Emily asked. Her voice wavered and trembled, brittle and little-girl like in this sumptuous suite, all red velvet and heavy mahogany furniture. “Failed to do something?”

Nigel’s back remained turned. He didn’t seem to hear her. He was tying and untying his dressing gown, as if it were the most important task in the world.

Emily wished to shout, to scream, to ask him what had happened and why. But proper young ladies didn’t scream at their husbands. Insecurity trembled in her voice as she said, “How did I fail you?”

“Failed?” Nigel’s head jerked back at the word. He looked at her, startled, but back at the mirror much too fast.

“Mr. Oldhall,” Emily said, making her voice as formal as she dared. “I asked if I’d done anything to disappoint you.”

“Mr. Oldhall?” The formal family name, which she hadn’t used since they’d become engaged made him give her a look of undisguised horror. “Mr. Oldhall?” He turned around, his hands feeling the pockets of his dressing gown for something.

Emily felt blood rush to her cheeks and took her hands to them, though she knew the blush would show only the color of sunset against her golden skin. “Nigel…”

Nigel pulled a packet of tobacco from a dressing gown pocket and a pipe from the other. He stared at her. “Yes?”

Her face burned and her voice caught. “No one ever told me what should happen on our marriage night.” She paused. “My step-mother did tell me it was all worth it for the children, but…” Her voice floundered and she shook her head. “But I have seen…” A deep breath to gather courage. “I was raised in my father’s country house, Nigel. We had dogs and horses and…” desperately, trying to avoid being explicit, she said, “Geese. And it seems to me the interaction between men and women cannot be all that different from what happens between… animals. Even horses and cats… and…” Deep breath. “Geese.”

She glanced up to see Nigel staring at her, his mouth half open, his face an odd mix of shock and amusement. But he said nothing, and since he said nothing, she was forced to continue. “I’m aware that humans, unlike animals, are leavened by divine grace and superior intelligence, but it can’t be all that different. And I expected…” She stopped. She could go no further.

Nigel said nothing. He drew a long breath that echoed noisy in the room. Turning his back on her, he fumbled. She smelled tobacco and saw him, in the mirror, pushing shreds of it into the bowl of his pipe. He struck the flint to light the wick of his lighter, then lit his pipe and inhaled deeply, a breath like a tremulous sigh. The lighter clicked closed and Nigel exhaled, forming a grey, aromatic cloud in the air in front of him. He put the lighter back in his pocket.

“I… I understand your disappointment,” he said, and cleared his throat. He pulled a heavy draft from his pipe and expelled it in increasingly neater rings. “Emily, I do understand,” he said, his voice now steadier. “How in your innocence, you might believe something untoward has happened or…” He cleared his throat again, and a slight flush tinged his pale cheeks. “Or failed to happen, but… Emily, now that you are a wife, you should understand that marriage… marriage isn’t always perfect.” He cleared his throat again. “There are moments when the body will not… obey the mind.”

He smiled suddenly, but his smile vanished just as quickly and it was only after another puff on the pipe that he managed to shape his mouth to his normal, aloof smile. Glancing away, he said, “Don’t let it disturb you, my dear. We’re just both tired. The day started devilishly early with the wedding breakfast and… with the parties… you’ve been trotting too hard, my dear, and no mistake. Let’s have a good night and then we’ll… we’ll both feel better in the morning.”

With those words, he reached over to pat her arm, then strode towards the closed door between their two rooms. He’d no more than set his hand on the polished brass doorknob than the whole room shook. Nigel stopped.

Emily stopped too, holding her breath. It had felt as thought, three floors beneath them, the magic carpet that supported the luxury carpetship, cruising above the clouds towards Cairo, had fluttered unsteadily on some air current and shuddered.

“It’s just the magic field we’re crossing,” he said. “Or… or the weather. I’m sure the flight magicians…”

But the curtains danced again. A rattle echoed through the ship – composed of stem of wear and crystal mage-light chandeliers colliding in liquid notes, crockery clashing down in the kitchen and the groaning of wood in framing and floors and furniture – firmly bolted down, but straining against itself.

Emily clutched at the bed covers. She remembered this noise. It bought back memories of her first trip to England. Every little current, every jolt had terrified Emily then. The ship had been all strange and scary. And her mama had been in the room, very ill, leaving no one but a cool English nurse to tell Emily not to be a goose.

That trip had ended well. The carpet ship had not fallen then. Oh, Emily’s mother had died six months after arriving in England, leaving Emily stranded, as a stranger, in the midst of her father’s family. But the carpetship had landed safely. Carpetships rarely fell. She closed her eyes and willed the ship to keep flying.

The carpetship trembled again, harder. Every window frame rattled. Every bed bucked. The support beams mounted on the carpet and supporting kitchens, ballrooms, parlors and passenger rooms, twisted and groaned like a dying beast.

Emily opened her eyes and caught a moment of panic on Nigel’s expression. He grabbed for the bed to steady himself. The ship rattled again, and started a ponderous half roll, like an animal trying to lay on its side.

Nigel was thrown, careening against a green-velvet sofa. Emily barely managed to hold on to the bed, whispering prayers to a divinity in which she very much wished to believe.

With a groan of stressed lumber, the carpetship started rolling the other way. Nigel held onto the sofa, his eyes wide in surprise, his panic no longer hidden. His lips were moving, and she supposed he must be saying words, but no sound reached her over the creaks and groans and the sharp breaking sounds of glass and pottery.

And now horns sounded, magically amplified, carrying the ship’s distress calls to the surrounding air and land and ocean, and alerting everyone in the ship to the danger. This meant they should seek the lifeboats outside, on the deck. It meant the carpetship was falling. Falling through the dark night sky to the cold ocean far, far below them.

Nigel’s hand on her arm and Emily opened her eyes, without realizing she had ever closed them. Nigel was very pale, holding onto the headboard of the bed with one hand, and onto her with the other. His lips moved, but only a word here and there emerged above the shrilling distress of the alarms. “Madam,” and “Sensible,” and, she would swear to it, “decent.”

Emily was sensible of her need to be decent; sensible of the fact that she was naked, and clutching only a flowered shawl. Her panicked mind told her she would die naked. Her shamelessly nude body would wash ashore, on some foreign land.

And then she realized Nigel was dressing her. He had somehow got hold of her white dressing gown embroidered with green sprigs, and was attempting to pull her hand up from the bed, to dress her.

Clinging, frightened, one hand clawing at his shoulder, Emily forced her other hand to let go of the bedcovers and to allow Nigel to put it into a sleeve. He was murmuring at her, but she could get no more than a general feel of comfort and an attempt to calm her. She clutched at him, and allowed him to slide her other arm into a sleeve. And then he was tying her belt, firmly, and pulling her up, still talking.

“Must,” she heard him say before the words submerged in other sounds. And then “Safety.”

She rolled from the bed, Nigel gripping her. Safety meant the lifeboats – mounted on smaller flying rugs tethered to the side of the ship. Each of them would take ten travelers apiece and lead them, unerringly, to the nearest patch of terra firma.

Fumbling, she and Nigel moved, holding each other, towards the French doors that opened from Emily’s room onto the deck. They held onto furniture in passing and Emily had a moment of gratitude that every piece was firmly bolted to the floor.

Nigel struggled to open the door, kicked it open and yelled, “Go, go, go,” propelling her through the open door to the deck outside.

 

The Royal Were Hunters

 

Emily stepped out the door and onto the glass-smooth polished mahogany of the deck.

“The boats,” Nigel yelled above the din, returning to hold Emily’s arm. “No one has pulled in the lifeboats.”

Emily looked across the deck where bedlam had been unleashed in the form of half dressed – or hardly dressed at all – men and women of all ages. Emily’s dressing gown was positively proper compared to so many of the people who were rushing about in their underthings, or one young, disheveled woman, clutching a sheet to her otherwise naked body and shrieking in fear. Not that the men were any better. One of the gentlemen nearby was wearing his hat, his gloves and his underwear and seemed perfectly composed with it, until one realized he was strolling about pointing with his cane and giving orders to no one.

On the other side of the deck, past the frightened throng, a tall glass partition, six feet tall and composed of small glass panes, protected passengers and crew from otherwise deadly flight-breezes and the air that at this altitude would be full cold.

And against that partition, on the other side, lifeboats knocked, tethered to the outside of the carpetship, knocking against the frame with a noise like the damned attempting to storm the halls of heaven.

To allow people to board the boats, they would need to be tethered right up close to the frame, not allowed to blow away from it on the air currents. And doors in the glass partition would need to be opened by the crew.

None of this had been done.

Still holding onto Emily’s arm, Nigel stopped a passing man – an amazingly groomed and properly attired employee in the blue serge uniform and cap of the carpetship line. “Good man.” Nigel yelled to be heard above the confused din of voices around them. “Good man, why haven’t the lifeboats been pulled in and made accessible. My wife must be taken to Terra Firma at once.”

The man tried to pull away from Nigel but Nigel held his arm and wouldn’t let go. “The Magicians are trying to save the carpetship milord,” the man said, also yelling above the babble of voices, but with every appearance of eager obsequiousness. “They think they can save it, milord. That it will pass.”

“Pass how?” Nigel yelled back. “When a carpetship’s magic fails– ” He stopped as the ship trembled, more violently than before. “What?”

The ship shuddered again, in great spasms like a dying beast. It should have caused a redoubling of the screaming and a blind panic on deck, but instead everyone fell silent. Nigel looked as startled as Emily felt. And then Emily saw something in the unrelieved black, outside the glass partition.

Something moved there, something shone. Not quite as bright as stars. It was more, like a bit of shining dust in the wind, like glimmers of flame, catching suddenly.

Without knowing quite why, but wanting to know, wanting to see what might be out there, Emily pushed through the crowd, towards the glass barrier. Nigel tried to protest, but was pulled along with her, his hand on her arm.

Pressing against the glass, Emily heard something – a sound like another wind beating within the wind, like the murmur of a heart composed of the hissing flames, like…

 

She looked toward the sound – perceived more with her mage sense and her mind than with her ear.

And there, by the side of the carpetship, she saw something deep blue green seemed to glitter and churn the air beside the ship. Slowly, it sailed closer; becoming clearer; revealing itself for a large reptilian-looking creature.

Moonlight flickered on a long sinuous neck, on bright, sparkling eyes, on an elongated body, on a curling tail.

Moonlight struck upon wings that looked as unreal as an artist’s dream, as if their armature had been carved in the finest ivory, then covered over with transparent fabric, upon which myriad fireflies had been caught which coruscated, brief and bright, captive of the beast’s movement, the beast’s churning of the air.

The carpetship trembled like a frightened beast, but it groaned to altitude again.

As though in a dream, Emily more felt words go through her mind than thought. So it was a dragon’s magical field that disrupted the flying spells. A dragon! Her breath caught at the word. Her mind tangled in wonder. A dragon.

She’d read about dragons in history books and stories, but Emily had never seen one. They were were-creatures, whose other form looked wholly human but who – in the period of their change – craved the hunt, the chase, and tore their prey alive, beneath their impatient fangs.

Watching the dragon, Emily breathed in little puffs that fogged the window. She wiped impatiently at the glass with cold, sweaty hands, and peered through the stripes left by her fingers, not wanting to miss a single second of the wondrous sight.

If she’d ever imagined dragons, she’d thought them sinister and frightening. And yet this creature was gossamer and moonlight, living flame and whispering wind – wild nature given a body and on the wing.

She wished she could engrave this scene upon the memory of her eyes, and relive it later, whenever she needed to refresh her vision from mundane sights.

None of the histories that spoke of the evils of dragons said that the pinpoints upon their wings shone like multicolored fairy lights rivaling the stars. None had mentioned that they transmitted an impression of power and joy. Nor had they admitted that dragons flew so effortlessly – gracefully – like dancing on air.

Books spoke of danger, cruelty, ruthlessness – never of magnificent wonder.

From behind Emily came the sound of running feet, and two employees of the company came rushing to turn cranks on the side of the glass partition that separated the passengers from the dragon.

“Letting us at the lifeboats, then?” Nigel said, in a confused tone.

“No, sir,” One of the men said. “Just opening the partition so the Royal Were Hunters can have at the beast.”

Emily, looking on the dragon, had only half-understood the words, before she heard a shout from behind. “Miss. You’ll have to get out of the way.”

She turned around and saw a whole regiment of royal were-hunters – Gold Coats – wearing gold uniforms with golden braid, about fifteen of them, in a line, each pointing a powerstick at the dragon. The powerstick, Emily knew, would be full of were-killing magic.

Like other such creatures who might feast on humans as well as animals — European werewolves and the were-tigers that sailors had brought with them, unawares, from the first voyages to India — dragons were outlawed within the reach and influence of the British sovereign. Any discovered would be immediately magically burned. The Royal Were Hunters were a regiment specially empowered by the Queen to hunt down and exterminate these terrifying beasts.

Emily knew they did good work. Without them, weres would overrun normal mankind and destroy civilization. A look over her shoulder at the flying dragon and she stood, rooted where she was. They couldn’t shoot – she thought. Not while she was here. And yet, they had a duty. And perhaps they would shoot and burn her along with the dragon.

And yet, neither could she just move aside and allow them to shoot at the dragon. She couldn’t.

“Madame,” Nigel was yelling at the Royal Were-Hunters. “She’s my wife. Mrs. Nigel Oldhall.”

The Were-Hunters in turn were yelling at Nigel, but their screams had nothing to do with Emily’s marital status. Instead, they were screaming at them to move, to get out of the way, so they could shoot. Nigel pulled at Emily frantically too, fingers scrabbling at dressing gown sleeve.

She heard him as if from a great distance “Emily. Emily,” his voice frantic and low.

But she could not move, even had she wished it, and the men in the green jackets with the powersticks were increasingly frantic, now aiming at her, now away, and begging her to move.

“Please Miss– Madam.” “We must do our duty.” “It is a dangerous beast.”

And the dragon, at that, probably was a dangerous beast and more. What she’d heard of dragons said they couldn’t control themselves. They ate people. They–

Behind her there was a sound and she turned, just in time to see a jet of flame singe along the edge of the carpetship. People screamed and ran, and Nigel grabbed at her arm and pulled her, hard and sudden against the polished deck.

When she managed to look up, there was no fire at all and the dragon had gone. The Royal Were-Hunter captain was standing nearby. “You should have let us shoot it, ma’am. You never know what those creatures are about. We have all sorts, in the isles,” he said, offering Nigel his hand to help him rise. “From wolves to foxes. And some of them are harmless enough, and we sort of wink at it. But them dragons, they’re desperate creatures that can neither be controlled nor brought down easily.” He pulled Nigel up and Nigel pulled Emily up along with himself. “We had a perfect shot.”

“She was too scared to move,” Nigel said.

And Emily supposed that could be true, but deep inside she didn’t think it was. Not scared, she thought. More… fascinated, intrigued. She couldn’t help turning her head a little towards where the dragon had been, nor feeling a lurch of dismay at the realization that the sparkling, magical being was gone.

She couldn’t quite understand why that would leave her feeling empty – as though a yawning abyss of dark, grey nothingness had opened where the wondrous should reside. But she felt low in spirits and out of sorts.

Nigel didn’t seem to notice, or if he did, he attributed it to her presumed fright.

He said nothing until she was back in her cabin, sitting on her bed, in her dressing gown, wrapped in her mother’s shawl. And then what he said was neither reproof nor a demand she tell him why she had done it. Instead, it was a slow musing, as though talking to himself. “Dragons are natural only to China. It is said their noblemen suffer this hereditary curse and are venerated and given virgins for fodder in the days of their madness. There are many weres in England, but surely no true Englishman can be a were dragon?”

He didn’t seem to either expect an answer from Emily nor to want it. He shook his head as if at his own thoughts and went through the connecting door into his room.

Emily sat on the bed, hugging her knees. Before her eyes was the image of the powerful, elemental beast. Where had it come from? Where was it going? And why had she saved its life?

 

Confusion is in the details

Perhaps because recently we have had the younger terror tested for intelligence and mode of learning — no results yet, but soon — I’ve been thinking about my mode of learning.

Other things have fed into this meditative mood, including a blog post by Scott Adams the creator of Dilbert about what your permanent age, on the assumption that each of us has a very defined age, that sticks with us through life. (It is perhaps interesting that I have no idea what my permanent age might be, but I know what my older son’s is. Robert is fifty three. He was fifty three at birth, looking out witheringly at his father and I as we scrambled through the trials of early parenthood. You COULD hear that child think “Ah! Whipper Snappers.”)

You see, I’ve always felt younger than I should be an curiously incomplete or unprepared for adult life — and part of this is due to the way my mind works. I don’t think — though I couldn’t tell you for sure — it is a NORMAL thing for a mind to work this way. At least, looking around, it seems to me that other people’s minds, in general, are the opposite of mine.

And I guess I shouldn’t say I always felt this way. The truth is, when I was little I felt vastly superior to my class mates and the few people stupid enough to talk to me. You see, I started reading early and glued on just enough understanding of the world to sound interesting and curiously adult to adults and scary and vaguely deranged to people my age.

But then came adollescence…

All of a sudden, my friends knew the names of singers and bands, and what albums they’d published. I knew what songs I liked and constructed wild, poetic interpretations of often misunderstood lyrics.

They watched the news and came away with names places and “Don’t you remember on the twenty seventh of november the Economics Minister said…” And no, in fact, I didn’t remember. I just had a broad idea of where people stood, and I could argue philosophically on their principles and tell you what they were doing and why — but not the specific dates and times of the incidents.

The same with books. I read about six books a day throughout most of my young years — well, till Robert was born. I’m wondering if I’ll return to that after the kids leave — still my normal mode of operating while doing anything, including scrubbing the floor, is with a book on one hand and whatever I’m doing in the other. This accounts for my owning several types of book stands to keep the book out of harm’s way.

But I only remembered the writers that resonated with me, and even with those I was likely to retain a vividly accurate idea of what the book was about for years and years while forgetting specific incidents in the book — the sort of thing all my friends seemed to remember vividly.

Now I’m facing this with the younger squirt. He’s reading Heinlein — to be specific, he’s reading Have Spacesuit Will Travel — and he has odd demands that I remember specific characters and incidents. Now, mind you, I re-read Heinlein every so often, but again, the specific incidents in the book evade me.

So when Eric comes into the room and says “Tell me Ace dies a horrible death,” I can say calmly, and with absolute certainty. “Oh, sure, he and his buddy get eaten by worm face.”

Total confusion from the short one (I have to stop calling him this, as he’s in fact my height) “He does? How does he get to space?”

“What? Isn’t Ace one of the two space pirates?”

“Mooooooooooooooooooooooom! Ace, you know? Burning soap wrapper?”

“What? Oh, you’re talking about throwing the can in the disposer?”

“No, MOM. Burning. Soap wrapper.”

Yes, we eventually solved the confusion, but now Eric is convinced I’m irretrievably stupid. And this is, of course, one of the big issues of not remembering details. You get elbows-deep in an argument and you know — just know — you’re right. But you’ll be cursed — and possibly d*mned — if you remember the specific dates, times and places that support your view.

Now, part of being middle aged is, I suppose, coming to terms with who we are and how our minds work. And how my mind works is to give me a very accurate picture of forces at work, of what each person — and each organization — wants. Very useful for writing historical fiction and not really a problem when I’m surrounded by my books or google. I can always check details and glue them on temporarily. I can actually remember dates and names for about a year, when needed. Then they sink into the generalities that fill my mind.

So, while I can write historical novels set in Louis XIII France or Elizabethan England, or even WWI (eventually, eventually) — I sound like a total ignorant idiot when discussing specific incidents that took place at this time. And while I can tell you the vast sweeping movements and my favorite incidents in my favorite authors’ series, I’ll sound like a lunatic when you asked if I liked Lieutenant such and such in book two.

I’m not sure what this makes me. I’d like to think it makes me a generalist because I know a lot about a lot of things and see the big picture, even if the details evade me. On the other hand, it’s quite possible it makes me an idiot.

At any rate, it seems to be who I am and at this point in my life I have no time to fight my own brain as well as deadlines and characters.

Mind like a stainless steel grease trap and all, I’ll try to make the best of what I have. er… whatever that is.