
There is a price for “gifts”. This is a given of fairy lore, of course, but it’s also a known thing of the human brain.
As humans our period of having our every wish catered to is limited, and frankly I think we learn early that our wishes and needs won’t be perfectly met. After all, I remember as a mother having to ignore my babies as they fussed once I knew they were clean and fed. Why would I do that? Because what they wanted was play and the limitations of my own adult world wouldn’t allow me to spend the whole day playing with them, of course.
And after the infant stage everything we do comes with effort and time to learn. Which means we learn everything is a price.
Hence, when we find something awesome that seems to be handed to us for free — be it a thing or an ability to do some things — we tend to want to know what it’s going to cost us. If we didn’t there wouldn’t be all sorts of proverbs telling us that we definitely shouldn’t look too closely at the gift. I’m particularly struck by “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” because we all know what happened to Troy when they didn’t.
Which brings us to the Bardic Gift. I’ve been told — repeatedly — this week, by very disparate things that this is what my particular curse should be called. We’ll examine that in a minute.
I came to this post because I’m still reading The Voyage of The Spaceship Beagle. For various reasons, but mostly because the cough came back and apparently I was sleeping like fine hammered carp, it’s been heavy going. Last night I gave up and had the strong anti-histamine (more on that in a moment) syrup which knocked me out, and it’s amazing how much focused I am today.
Just in time to hit the middle story (I gather it’s three) which hinges on mind control for various purposes. This made me growl and got my hackles full up, and it took me a while to figure out why. (I mean, it’s a book. It’s not physically biting me. Heck, it’s on the kindle, and my kindle is almost tame.)
I have an intense dislike of anything that distorts my mind. I want to know that however my mind is functioning, even when under my own influence and therefore trying to dredge the depths of depression and the shoals of the seas of unwarranted despair, it’s my own. Partly because I have over a half century of checking for and adjusting for my own peculiar quirks, like depression. I know the black dog is there, I know its growl. I’m aware of its bite. I know how to muzzle it. And if I can’t I know it’s the sign of something else, like physical illness or not sleeping very well. (At this point the cough is probably allergies. I need to clean my bedroom. It’s the only place the cough persists and not coincidentally one of two rooms in the house that hasn’t been thoroughly cleaned.) But if you throw an outside factor at the mixture, I might not even be aware of it till things spin out of control. This almost happened in fact with both adderal and montelukast. The second is particularly puzzling since you’d think a brain trained to detect depression would detect depression. But this was alien, strange, unaccustomed depression. And it almost offed me.
Anyway, my aversion to pain killers and mood adjusters and yes ADD meds and asthma meds with side effects extends to almost disabling levels. Like refusing to take pain meds after surgery and therefore — apparently — prolonging the time of recovery until the doctor lassoed me and made me take meds. (On my own terms. It was more weaponized Tylenol than anything else.) Or, refusing to take the effective anti-histamine syrup, because I’m afraid it will have some effect (most anti-histamines turn off the writing) until I’m a zombie, walking into walls from coughing all night.
Now, I’m not an irrational being. Actually, I overthink everything to the point of paralysis. So my aversion is likewise not irrational.
I intensely dislike being under the influence of drugs that affect my mind, even in relatively small ways (that’s not either Adderal or Montelukast) because they affect what I still find incredibly pretentious to refer to as my “Bardic Gift”.
What the heck is a Bardic Gift? Well, I don’t know what it is to you (tovarisch.) Or even to other people possessed of (by) it. But I know how it manifests. And I suspect I know where it comes from.
The human mind is a mechanism for making sense and meaning out of chaotic reality. Some of our minds are just particularly afflicted with the need to create overarching, intricate mental machines of sense and meaning. We do it as we breathe, and it comes from such a basic level of our minds that we do this at a sub-conscious level. Literally as most of the time we’re not aware of it till the finished product presents itself with force and urgency to our conscious mind, fully finished and demanding we do the work of parturition to present it to the unsuspecting and fortunately largely uncaring world.
Fortunately? You say. Oh, heck yes, because the manifestations of this curse that I’ve identified fall on every artist, sure, but they also hit hard on the founders of cults, or creators of compelling, fully-formed, internally consistent political theories that sweep a lot of other people into the machine of sense and meaning. This is dangerous — do I need to tell you that? — because not all cults are on the side of light and, humans and reality being chaotic, almost any political theory that demands everything make internal sense and everyone fit into a niche in its vision spins more and more out of contact with reality. Such political theories fill mass graves.
Now, yes, this means that great advantage could perhaps be derived to the world in general by filling those mass graves with people like me. In theory. In very broad theory.
I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work worth a damn. And to the extent you can cause it to work it plunges the civilization engaged in it into a cycle of repeating stupidity that amounts to civilizational Alzheimers.
I suspect it happens a lot to tribal civilizations, where it’s both possible to identify such people with much greater accuracy — In a smallish group you know which family is prone to wandering around with its loincloth on its head muttering about how we must paint ducks yellow so they don’t take over the world. And you know it’s hereditary — and eliminate an entire genetic strain. I suspect they’re eliminated over and over again. (Mostly under the guise of witch-hunting.) Until the tribe … remains in the neolithic for millennia. Which is why innovation and higher achievement comes with letting the oddlings move away and do their thing. Like, you know, our improbable, amazing nation. (Yes, there’s something seriously wrong with the harp in the illustration. do you really want me to spend the rest of the day autistically fixing it, or do you want me to finish this post and go work on the novel? Right.)
But we do have an example of a society with writing falling into this cycle too. China became so obsessed with getting rid of everyone with the bardic gift that they have not one but several periods in which they executed grandmothers that told stories. It came back. It is a natural tendency of the human brain, just exaggerated so it can be recreated by genetic drift. And they did it again. If you study their history (not recommended if you’re a depressive) it’s like watching grandad who has forgotten his own name continuously watering the cat and giving tuna to the house plant while walking around in someone else’s underwear and muttering how he’s the center of the universe.
So, you can’t eliminate us. And we can’t stop doing what we do, for the simple reason that it’s how our brains function while they remain alive. (I have had friends be disabled by serious health events, and I myself have been battling an intersection of serious issues for 20 years now. (Yes, it is getting better, but you only see it in the bird’s eye view. This year I can do things I couldn’t last year, but I’ve been so sick I’ve done very little. Still, it’s gains.) who still have the compelling stories — or other stuff, but most of my friends do stories — show up on whatever their schedule used to be. And they drive them insane, because–) The price of the gift is to use it.
We are given for free something for which most human beings have to struggle and the price is we have to do it. (Keep this in mind. It’s important.)
There is a plurality of creatives who are consciously creative and work hard for it. Most of the time I can tell when consuming the product, and I suspect most people can. But they are also more often really successful because they can control it and shape it to “what is selling.” Those of them who know we exist (many refuse to believe we do and think we’re lying) hate us with a purple passion, because they must painstakingly assemble structures that appear fully formed and moving to us. On the other hand, they can walk away from it when it stops paying, or when the field is so embuggered that it kills your soul to stay in it.
But we can’t. Because the vision that presents itself is so enormous, so clear, so immediate and pushes so hard that the only way to stop from creating is to kill what we are. And the only way to do that — in my case — is to feed the depressive cycle until I come to as close to death in life as I can.
I suspect most people who suffer from this use a similar mechanism to damp it, because Herr Professor Jordan Peterson has stumbled on the certainty that “Creatives who stop creating start dying.” He’s correct on that. If you take nothing else from this post and you’re a creative in this way — i.e. have the bardic gift — please, I implore you, take this: Creatives who stop creating start dying. I don’t honestly care if the creations of your gift are good or not, if you can make money or not. I don’t care if you have very little time because your real life job eats your life, I beg of you to start carving out some time to create. (Oh, and if your bend is either cult leader or political leader, unless you’re fighting on the side of letting individuals be individuals and not imposing your oh so compelling vision on them, please deviate it to writing. It’s usually possible.) TO SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND SANITY PLEASE START CREATING, no matter how slowly. (I have reason to believe at the extreme ebb of the dampening you start sending signals that make your body ill. Yes, I know that sounds newagy, but I am also convinced that’s what I did about 20 years ago, when I was trying to walk away from writing.)
Because the price of the gift is to use it, but you can channel it, it is vital that you stay in control of your own mind, so you can channel it in the right way. What is the right way? Well, again, I don’t know about you (tovarish) but in my case I try to use it not to drive people to despair or suicide. And to stir them away from the more poisonous of compelling bardic visions that involve restructuring society towards authoritarianism. Even if the thing isn’t exactly under my control, I usually can control it enough for that. (It’s a negotiated peace. I still have to keep certain elements in, or it’s worse than denying the gift.)
I’ve heard of other gifts, non-bardic. Grandma, for instance, had a healing gift. And she had sharp warnings about what happens if you don’t use it, which I gather is exactly the same as what happens to my kind, only hard and fast and with spikes in it.
Anyway — all this amounts to — I’m really leery and will always be of anything that takes control of my mind, because however misaligned and weird it is it is mine, I know it, and I have some idea how to navigate it so it doesn’t cause harm. But giving control to someone else–
Well, now. If you knew that the someone else was perfect and wanted only the best for you it would be tempting. (This is why a religious belief is protective for my kind, again so long as you keep it within bounds. My people fall into insanity all too easily. Because we do believe there is a being who is perfect and only wants what’s best for us. And (as someone put it recently) He doesn’t dress like either Jim Jones or Mao.) But there is no such human. Even the smartest and with the best intentions aren’t fit to control others, because each of us has highly personal biases and phobias that aren’t entirely under our own control. (Which is why totalitarian societies always, inevitably, become shit-holes.)
So, you must keep your mind as free of influences you can’t account for as possible. Or I can. Though I suspect the anti-histamine is less harmful than not sleeping for a week straight.
And it’s a balance. And I must walk it. Because I got this gift for free. And I need to use it as best possible. Or it will spin out of control and eat me.
Now for those not thus afflicted who’ve been reading this with horrified fascination (LOL. Trust me, it’s worse from the inside.) you too, if you’re living in this wonderful, chaotic, ever-inventing land of ours, were given a gift.
You were given Liberty for free. And the price of the gift is to use it. Or you start dying.
Use your liberty and do not let it be unnecessarily be encroached upon or deviated. (The “necessary” is up to each of us to determine. Like the juggling of lack of sleep with anti-histamine dulling of the senses.
And use it. Use it joyously and extravagantly. To create, to innovate or (simply! Ah.) to cretae a life you want to live the way you want to live it.
As we begin this long weekend, meditate on your gifts and how best to use it.
Stay frosty. Stay free. Stay creative.
*And for those wondering: Yes, sometimes I use blog posts to convey ideas that would be best conveyed in short stories. And this post might yet be a short story at some point. It’s just right now, mid-revision I don’t have time to go walk into yet another world. But it will come I suspect. Because this is complex and intricate and yeah, best conveyed in an emotional past. However this will stave it off enough for me to stay sane while finishing the monster novel. Until then:

Sincerely, SAH*















































































