Once More Into the Breach!

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

I’ve been having a bit of the black dog. Okay, okay, part of it was my fear of the tests — if you haven’t seen it, it’s definitely no cancer, and so far it’s a “we have no idea” but a maintenance antibiotic controls it — but it’s more than that. Perhaps it’s working through mom’s death? Perhaps it’s a dozen other things, but the black dog has been with me so persistently the last few months that last night I dreamed he was walking beside me like an old friend. Malamute, the size of a horse. Pitch black. Weirdly, he didn’t feel inimical.

Maybe it is because I use the black dog to stop me going berserker, so in a way it is a friend. But friends that sit on you and keep you from doing much get tiresome after a while.

Anyway, part of the black dog these days is telling me that I’m done. I’ve done what I could, and now it’s over, and it’s time to shuffle quietly into that good night.

Now part of this are my expectations from childhood, which are probably different from yours. But maybe not, since a lot of you are my age or older.

Used to be, or at least that’s my understanding from early childhood, that once the kids were out of the house, your life was more or less done. And that being sixty was being old, and sixty four, which is staring me in the face in a few months, was pretty much very old. You were done. It was time to hug up the grandkids, if you were lucky enough to have some, and to be very gentle with yourself. Eat only what the doctors prescribed. That kind of thing. And you know, watch a lot of TV as there really wasn’t anything else to do, since you could die at any minute.

Now you could tell me my grandmothers made 88 and mom made 91 and my dad is still ticking, so far as I know (my family and reporting bad events is iffy, but still.)

However the back of your mind is where the idea of what life is like lodges in your brain by the time you’re six or seven. And it stays!

And there’s the uncertainty of course. My parents lived much longer than this, my brother is still alive (though ill. Thank you for prayers) and so is my cousin who was raised with us and is older than him. BUT some of our generation has already died, in their sixties. You can’t tell.

And if you’re sitting there thinking “it’s always like that. You can’t tell how long you’re going to live. Children die, as do teens and then some people live to be very old”, you’re absolutely right. This is not a matter of logic, but a matter of back brain expectation.

On the other hand today I got tired of dealing with myself. Maybe it was the dream of the black dog.

Yeah, okay, my body is coming up with new and interesting ways to try to kill me, but what else is new? It has done that all along since I was about one year of age. And I’m still here. And given the state of science, and how life is — I’m not slogging in the fields sunup to sundown, unless you count slogging in words — there is absolutely no reason I might not have another 25 years or another 35.

I’ve been published for just about j25 years. It would be stupid to throw away potentially half of my career. And you know, Heinlein only got really big in his fifties and sixties. And, well, we live longer and healthier now.

Sure some of us age like Joe Biden. But some age like William Shatner.

I have no way of knowing which I am, so rationally I should behave as though I have the most time, and prepare for it. Because preparing to die is intending to die. And that’s just not who I am.

So?

So, I’m going to shut up and get back to it. More: I’m going to get better. I’m going to improve. I’m going to find new ways to do the writing and the blog (Well, other than my assistant taking two days a week.)

Oh, and I’m going to continue the allergy desensitization thing and figure out what is going on with the other health kinks. And maybe waste less of the coming 25 years being stupidly ill.

Will it work? I don’t know. But if I die I’m going to die on my feet and still fighting to live.

What else is life for?

Dum vivimus vivamus!

156 thoughts on “Once More Into the Breach!”

  1. You have 10 years on me. Thats not much as we approach the ends. I was 54, kayak racing, and had my card punched by a 70yo retired teacher. Beat my time by 5 minutes. That was humbling, to say the least.

    My Da is 86, still chasing Bee swarms even if he has doubled vision and isn’t permitted to drive anymore.

    Keep the black dog on a leash, he sounds friendly enough, teach him to do tricks and make you smile.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Doubled vision is annoying as all heck. Makes reading … difficult. Driving is fine during the day, but at night the doubled glare from headlights is a royal PITA and makes judging distance problematic. Really need to discuss that design flaw with Him.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

        1. /laugh

          I’m currently about 350 to 375 feet above mean sea level here in New Hampshire. If I want to get a lower altitude, I’m going to need to steal a submarine from Portsmouth Naval Shipyard. Can you imagine what the world and the government would do if an old retired Air Force guy stole a nuclear submarine and was just galivanting around with it out in the Atlantic? Rewrite The Hunt for Red October as a comedy.

          Liked by 3 people

          Reply

          2. Similar. We’re at 400 ft here in the valley, about 100 miles inland. We do have mountains between us and the coast sea level. Mostly narrow, down to *nothing, landmass between the Pacific and the Coast mountain range.

            (*) Hwy 101 is blasted out of the side of basalt cliffs along the Pacific.

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply

            1. Death Valley is in California. Inflicting that state on me would be REALLY detrimental to my health. Not to mention the health of numerous politicals in their state and local governments. Or is that your intention? ;-)

              Like

              Reply

              1. I imagine if you seriously disrupted the corporeal continuity of certain members of the current crop of californicators, we’d raise a statue in your honor. Unfortunately, it would likely be posthumous.

                Liked by 1 person

                Reply

    2. Dad’s age is somewhat in dispute, (LONG story but what was registered as his birth year can’t be because he HAD to be born on a Sunday and a feast day of a particular saint. If the day Grandma claimed was his birthday (and she was sure. You see, everyone was at the feast and she had to deliver herself, alone.) is correct, the most plausible year for his birth makes him 97. Officially he’s 92. He’s now having some balance problems, but other than that is completely in his right mind and would live by himself if my brother weren’t in a panic fear of finding him dead some morning. So he lives in his house, but sleeps at my brother’s three blocks away.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. Have been entertaining myself doing genealogy for Reasons and found similar amusement; eg the ggfather who aged 14 years between one census and the next, and the ggmother who aged something like 8, 10, 10, 4 and then 13 years between censi.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  3. if you haven’t see it, it’s definitely no cancer, and so far it’s a “we have no idea” but a maintenance antibiotic controls it

    I had not seen it, but thank God for it.

    Liked by 6 people

    Reply

  4. I turned 68 a few months ago. Not about to sit down and vegetate, plenty of things to do that I enjoy, family to be with and projects around the house to do (put a new garden shed together yesterday, I’m a little sore but it’s done!). Never know how much time we actually have so live for every moment of it! Tell the black dog to behave and enjoy the days!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. I am also 68, survived cancers, divorce, working on 5th layoff from a day job since 2009, started publishing my stories about 13 months ago, and — mostly in spite of myself — realize every day I live is absolutely a gift of grace from God.

    I don’t always show that or sound like it; but when I calm down, I know it as surely as I know my pain that I’m here at His pleasure to do something, learn something, or both.

    Ms. Sarah, don’t let the black dog lie to you. You, yourself, are a gift from God to us. And the Bible tells us God Himself has promised to protect us if we know His name (Psalm 91:14-16 ESV quoted below).

    “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
        I will protect him, because he knows my name.
    When he calls to me, I will answer him;
        I will be with him in trouble;
        I will rescue him and honor him.
    With long life I will satisfy him
        and show him my salvation.”

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  6. It’s amazing how little we know outside the basic familiar pathways about our own biologies. Hm… yes, I think the plural is appropriate, given how individual much of it can be.

    I operate under the assumption that I will live into at least my late 80s, as per most of my family on my mom’s side, and that I will be cogent and capable up until about 3-5 years before the end at worst. Usually it’s only the last couple of years that go into dementia, and that could be a contributing cause rather than an effect, y’know? And yet I know that unless I have something to keep my mind busy, retirement 20ish years from now will kill me off early. It’s why I intend to keep working at least part time even then.

    If you’re moving closer to the kids, that will help, especially once they give you grandkids to feed sugar and fuss over. I think part of what keeps my parents active is that the grandkids need babysitting, so they can’t just let themselves ossify.

    Re-read the Chinchilla of Hope, and nil desperatum, as Carrot Ironfoundersson would say!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  7. I am reminded of whichever saint was involved in a game of lawn tennis and when asked what he would do if he knew the world was ending just then, answered that he would finish the game because was what he was supposed to be doing just then.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. St Francis of Assissi is alleged to have been working in the garden when someone asked what he would do if he knew he would die that day. He replied, “Work in the garden,” and kept going.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

    2. On New England’s Dark Day — when, at noon, you could stand outside with a piece of paper at arm’s length and be unable to see it — there was considerable dread that it was the world ending. Colonel Abraham Davenport, in the Governor’s Council, famously said, “I am against adjournment. The day of judgment is either approaching, or it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for an adjournment; if it is, I choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be brought.”

      Liked by 3 people

      Reply

  8. Sometimes you’ve just gotta stock up on kibble and settle in for a long tenure with the black dog. But don’t let his shaggy coat distract you from the fact that it IS a long tenure. And make him stay off the furniture.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    1. I believe I am far from the oldest here, but I began in 1949. I was looking at family photos yesterday, and I realized something a bit scary: with a couple cousins passing this year, with one exception (their sister) I am the oldest person in my extended family.

      I am trying to spend my children’s inheritance; I want my son in law to look in my safe and ask ‘What the heck was he thinking?’

      My other musing is related to winding things up. I absorbed the idea that certain trappings were indicative of Upper Middle Class success. So we have some of those; and chatting with my daughter (who is a shining example of ‘call your parent every week’, the lovely creature!) she and I observed that her family just doesn’t want that stuff. Dust catchers, requiring closed display cases, in order to survive small children and cats. Or, hand wash only, impractical in a young family this century (that is, why add optional items to the stuff one has to wash by hand anyway?)

      Couple weeks ago the neighborhood had a garage sale. And afterwards we noticed that the browsers were mostly our age, and probably needed to hold their own sales. Not a lot moved on to new homes.

      That started me reorganizing and culling the things in my garage; yesterday I hit a full box of decorative candles and glass candle holders. Unless I do the ‘zucchini on the porch’ thing, I fear most of that is headed for the landfill. That bothers me, but with no takers, what else? Not much of a second-hand store town.

      My sisters and I spent months sorting out my mom’s house. I guess I’m trying to save my kids from some of that work. But the time was mostly taken by reminiscences when encountering objects.

      Like

      Reply

      1. Younger than you are (late 1956).

        To be fair with the handwash requirement. Even when we married, 1978, “dishwasher safe” or “microwave safe” was not universal. Although after almost 48 years, not a lot are left (breakage).

        Never was one for the fancy stuff, especially the “not cat-friendly breakable” (OTOH, we’ve had cats almost from day one). We do have a few oak pieces that will probably end up going for pennies on the dollar to a repurposer. Although the dining table has one appreciated feature for families: the four extension panels store in the table itself.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. Depression glass can shatter in the microwave. It seems a shame that it survived all those years just to be exploded in my microwave.

          Like

          Reply

  10. Yesterday the kids at work discovered the concept of life insurance, and were cheerfully talking about a policy that auto-terminated at 65 being a good deal. (Yes, they’re in their 20’s. 65 is forever away.)

    I thought of my darling man, who’s survived 18 years of war, 3 heart attacks, losing his appendix, gallbladder, and now one kidney, and his mild shock upon realizing it was 50 years ago to the day that he’d sworn into the military as a callow youth…

    And I just smiled. They’ll figure it out. As for my Better Half? Yes, the surgeons told me when we married that I’d be a widow in 5-10 years. It’s been 16. I plan to live like he’s going to be around another 25 years, because there’s no reason that I can’t keep beating death off with a chancla.

    I’m going to get him healthy enough the words flow instead of come in fits and starts, and make sure I get back to that state, as well. You keep at it, too! Because, like Granny Weatherwax, WE ATE’NT DEAD!

    Liked by 11 people

    Reply

    1. Spider Robinson has a short story in a future America where “Birth Certificates” had an expiration date of 65 years after a person’s birth.

      The main character is an old man who feels forgotten but he’s glad when there’s a knock on his door because it’s his 65th birthday.

      Oh, Spider has decided that it was a crazy story.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    2. cheerfully talking about a policy that auto-terminated

      Uh, tell ’em term insurance is a thing.

      The purpose of life insurance is to offset the financial hardship of having a parent die while they’re providing for the family. Not to provide a windfall for independent adults to squander on frivolous luxuries.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. “offset the financial hardship of having a parent die while they’re providing for the family“

        –

        True.

        But it also can be used to prevent financially wiping out the elderly surviving spouse.

        In addition, our life insurances have nursing *care riders. We are 74 and 69. Plus, we could use them for growth tax-free investment incomes to increase the benefit amount. Which now pays the actual insurance costs and has for over 10 years. When we first did the math for insurance cost VS growth, the conservative model showed cost > growth at age 70 for each of us, eating away at the balance > actual insurance values. Note, given the markets, that hasn’t happened yet. Not even in the Biden years.

        (*) When we took out these policies, 37 years ago, in-home paid care was not a common occurrence (if available). I do not know if the policy will pay for in-home paid care. In any case, not changing now. These policy riders are somewhere between rare and not available. Or so expensive, might as well not be available.

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply

        1. My wife was friends with a GE Long Term Care insurance agent, and we bought the Mercedes of policies. Notably, there’s no lifetime cap on the expenditures (my mom’s policy was $180K IIRC, and we used it all) and, once certified for use, BOTH policies went to no more premiums.

          Insurers don’t seem to do that any more; isn’t priced for current conditions.

          Like

          Reply

        1. We are at the point where our individual insurance, on death, does not go to spousal survival. It goes directly to our son. Now the understanding is, should it be needed, it will be used to take care of the surviving spouse. But the money bypasses the surviving spouse’s estate.

          Having the option to use, tax free, the accumulated investment values, plus half the policy face, for assisted living. It will go further if that in-home assisted living is covered. We’ve been told by more than a few that we are lucky to now have this. If still available, so expensive, might as well not be, and not worth the cost. We are grandfathered into a specific cost structure for the privilege.

          Liked by 2 people

          Reply

    4. Thank you for keeping that Chancla at the ready to whack the dude in the black robes with the Scythe. Do not let him at your husband or yourself, please. In your husband’s case there are still books I’m waiting for from him :-) and honestly one hates to lose a decent author, they are on the rare side.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    5. I hope both of you succeed. You’re both on my “buy it w/o waiting for a review” lists. Though these days it takes longer to get the discretionary funds up and at ’em. This go-round it’s the new septic pump…

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

    6. This matches my experience. Hubby health issues have consumed a large part of my life since 1/2020. He continues to ssslllooowwwlllyyy improve. I ask him to forgive my nagging, because I’ve been afraid for such a long time.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  11. If things looked like they might be cancer but aren’t, and antibiotics help but don’t win, you might have parasites.

    We are among the minority of countries that doesn’t regularly deworm our population because our sanitation is good enough that parasitic infection is rare, but rare still happens.

    Interstingly, the countries that do regularly deworm have half the cancer rate of those that don’t. Parasites and cancers employ similar genetic tricks to survive.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

      1. There are rumblings across the cancer treatment backchannels about the drug that shall not be named seeing positive results when added to other treatments “just in case there’s there there”.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. Apparently it has long been known that ivermectin is also good against mite bites and scabies, and against tick bites and tick-borne diseases.

          Because they noticed that people and animals taking it for other reasons, were magically not bothered by ticks or mites

          Never heard ivermectin mentioned as part of the fight against Lyme disease, alpha-gal, etc.

          Liked by 5 people

          Reply

          2. Unless the doc is stuck on the nasty topical insecticide treatments it is pretty much the go to for scabies in SNF settings, and is prescribed prophylactically long term for staff.

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply

      2. Very few side effects, can’t really hurt to try it under the guidance of a physician. Or so I’m told, anyway. It’s given quite casually to dogs, cats and farm animals, who don’t seem to die from it. Or even barf from it, for that matter…

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  12. The purpose of life is to grow and reproduce. That purpose is neither linear, nor mutually exclusive.

    God’s commandment to Adam and Eve was to be fruitful and multiply. He said the same to Noah and his sons. Ditto to Jacob in Genesis 35:11.

    2 Corinthians 4:8-9 is even better, especially in today’s socio-political world. “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

    Psalms 34:19 gives us hope too. “The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.”

    If Jacob can wrestle with an angel of God in Genesis 32:28, we can all wrestle with our black dogs in the same way.

    And miracles do still happen.

    Liked by 7 people

    Reply

    1. That’s the spirit (or perhaps the Spirit). I’ll be 65 end of next month. I’d like to age like Shatner…or Mel Brooks, G_d watch over them both, but I’ll try to do my part, take what He sees fit to give, and be grateful for it.

      Liked by 4 people

      Reply

      1. Read an article about Shatner the other day where it talked about both he and his daughter survived stage 4 cancers several years ago. IIRC she had breast cancer, he had melanoma. Between the surgeries, chemo and radiation, they both managed to get to the cancer free stage, which is pretty damn impressive for people who hit stage 4. Like I said, miracles do still happen. Makes you wonder why the good Lord is doing so much to keep an old guy like Shatner around still; maybe just to cheer his daughter on?

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  13. Sarah, the Reader is glad to hear the medical isn’t more serious, even if it is still a mystery. Could be the subject of a future novel…

    The Reader has been struggling with purpose since his son passed last July. A lot of his retirement planning and living over the last 8 years revolved around him. Since then, the needs of the moment have driven the Reader’s time. We got his house emptied and sold and dealt with the closing of his special needs trust (the Reader and wife were trustees). A special space of hell is reserved for the bureaucrats in an unnamed state who kept us from closing it for a year. Also managed to get though the wife’s knee replacement and the Reader’s heart surgery. The Reader is now prepping for a move to Savannah. With son gone, we want a relative to be able to keep a distant eye on us and the Reader’s wife’s nephew is the only candidate (he is agreeable). So for the time being, the needs of the moment continue. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. The Reader doesn’t know.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  14. So, I’m going to shut up and get back to it. More: I’m going to get better. I’m going to improve. I’m going to find new ways to do the writing and the blog (Well, other than my assistant taking two days a week.)

    Good.

    You were worrying me. Not that it takes much to worry me.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  15. Dad died of his third heart attack at 53, while Mom outlasted $NEW_HUSBAND and passed at age 99. I have two years to split the difference, and with a certain amount of luck and parts from $AFTERMARKET_JOINT_WORKS, I’m going to strive for Mom’s record.

    The latest black dog in my life was a Lab/Aussie Shepherd cross, who took being a guardian/nursemaid very seriously. Sweet Sara, yet another on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge. The metaphorical black dogs pay occasional visits, but “Go away! I have life to live!” seems to work nowadays.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  17. I look at photos of my grandparents, showing all the visible signs of advanced aging, and then arithmetic tells me they were in their fifties and early sixties, not eighties and nineties. My recollections were similar – canes and not getting around well and health problems, but I was a kid and everyone looked old to me…

    Now I see sixty year old women walking to yoga class who obviously stole the body of a thirty five year old (if your gonna steal a body, go for the eighteen year old one – geez, do I have to think of everything?)

    And I’m soon hitting the same one-year-‘till-Medicare age as Sarah, which I know was the dropoff of the mortality cliff when they cooked up those age boundaries back in the day, and other than grey hair now I really don’t see much even in photos of myself. My brother, a few tears younger than me, could pass for forty easily.

    There’s clearly a convergence of nutrition, and fitness, and non-physical labor climate-controlled careers, and health care, and dental care, and maybe the preservatives in food too, which are converging to make visible aging slower than the past.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. 1632 novel when the grandma of the family of refugees realizes that the school teacher they meet is a decade or more older than she is and by (“uptimer” standards, not rich). Her immediate calculation upon meeting is an older, rich adult, but still much younger than she is.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. Genetics, and epigenetics driven by nutrition availability and quality during pregnancy and childhood, are both major things.

        But so is smoking – the women my Mom’s age who were smokers looked universally visibly older than my Mom and Aunts, nonsmokers all. Well, the ones who managed to skip lung cancer and last to around the same age looked a lot older. The many who didn’t pulled the female smoker cohort life expectancy average down, but died prettier.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

  18. Can’t really complain about my own health (I mean I could, but you’d laugh at me), but the dog has decided he needs to be sick today and getting poo on everything.

    He’s a black dog, naturally.

    Super fun! ~:D

    You know why they call them poodles? Because they can hold so much…

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  19. I hear you, Sister Sarah. I’ve been writing like mad, in part so I don’t think about what this week was like last year. If I do, I’ll start to spiral down, and I do not need that. And in part so I can get this character out of my head and go back to writing things that don’t remind me far too much of senior honors English [“Scan this poem, analyze the structure and use of alliteration, rhyme both internal and ending, and other techniques, including references to older pattern works if known. Due at the end of class.”]

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  20. As my Da told me long before I came across it in Bujold “You go on, or you go under.” Cold comfort, I know, but it strikes me as more and more profound as I go on.

    I remember the occasion well. We were living in the UK, my biggest portfolio had just blown up, it wasn’t actually my fault, but I was the guy who was going to pay the price, my boss had just called me a Nazi for executing the order to shut the portfolio down cold, I had three young children and knew I was losing my job. IT was a gorgeous day actually, it was technically a day off, but I didn’t truly get those, my parents were visiting us and my da and I were outside when the call came in. I must have looked like hell. My Da, who had worked on Wall Street too, asked me “what’s the matter with you?” I told him I was going to get fired he said “So what, I got fired any number of times and we survived”. I retorted that maybe that’s why I was so worked up about being fired. Unfair and unkind, but I have a significantly lower risk tolerance than my Da did.

    Fast forward a couple of years after I finally ditched the street when I asked the wife where we would be had I continued. I expected her to say we’d be much richer, which is true, I took a massive cut in pay, she said “You’d be dead.”

    God works are mysterious.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

      1. funny enough, my risk tolerance didn’t change but my risk awareness did as I became aware of a much broader set of risk factors. I was on the corporate track and had it all scoped out, until it ended. had I not blown out when I did, I very much doubt I would have made several later decisions the way I did but after blowing up I was out of f-cks to give about the “system” and how one measured one’s success within it. WUFlu did the rest. Now Im setting up a trading business because the hiring market for white males is what it is and I refuse to let this continue. I wouldn’t have done this had things been otherwise.

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply

        1. Good for you!

          My beloved has probably told Intuit he won’t take the current job offer. Among other reasons, one of his former employees to whom he sold an office has told him she’s got plenty of work if he wants it. And then he gets to talk to people more than once.

          I really wish the two of you could talk. He’s getting pretty good with stocks.

          Like

          Reply

          1. “getting pretty good with stocks.“

            –

            As already mentioned, hubby is teaching son the ropes. Hubby learned from financial and legal advisors talking to them when he was on the union side of the pension board for 20+ years.

            Hubby is doing slightly better than the annual return percentages from two different professionals; not entirely the same methods (neither professional options sell covered calls). That is net of fees (gross, the professionals have a higher annual return). This is for the last 18 months.

            BIL does something similar. The difference is a professional has most of their money, and he has a smaller pool that he “plays with”. Plus, I think he managed his children’s money until the balance reached the minimum professional levels.

            (*) Trying to identify the best options for when hubby can’t or doesn’t want to do the research and management. I know I **don’t want to do it. FWIW, we got in on the professionals before they raised the minimum amounts to create an account. Not fair to dump it all on the kid until it is all his anyway. One professional group only manages the money wherever it is kept. Does not have its own financial instruments.

            (**) I understand what he is doing. Stamps feet in tiny tantrum. I don’t want to.

            Like

            Reply

          2. what I do is sell option spreads. if you read anything about options you’ll see that 90% of retail option investors lose money. That begot a question of who, then, makes money. Someone must do (*) and lo and behold it’s the specialist who happily write spreads and harvest premiums. It’s not as easy as all that and comes down to being extremely disciplined in managing position sizes and maximum loses … the Kelly Criterion as well as having a good understanding of skew and kurtosis, especially skew.

            I’m teaching number two son that business, which I’ve done for years and years, but I’ve formalized it so he could honorably look someone in the eye and say he has experience in it or he could actually make a good living at it if that’s what floats his boat. I’d rather see that because Wall Street is only slightly less psychopathic than DC. ITs not everyone by any means, or even the majority, but there’s enough of them to make it bad for everyone else.

            (*) it is entirely possible for a field to be extremely profitable and for everyone involved to lose money. Comes down to whether the underlying process is ergodic or not.

            Like

            Reply

            1. Hubby does Covered Calls, not option spreads. Not all stocks, but we’ve had enough of them that he did enough covered calls repeatedly (sell call, stock not called away, repeat), that stock pays out the cost of the stock more than once. Not counting any stock dividends. This doesn’t count the stocks that have grown, split, repeat, before they get called away (cough, IBM, late ’90s).

              Like

              Reply

              1. I’ve done those but, for myself, if I’m going to take the downside risk I want to maintain the upside potential. Different strokes and all that, covered calls are a perfectly reasonable strategy and, if one is disciplined and avoids large losses, one can do quite well. With option spreads, I know maximum upside and downside exactly and I have a pretty good idea of the probabilities so i can calculate my bets quite finely. lather, rinse, repeat monthly. Works very well for me and, importantly, I actually enjoy the process.

                I’m trying to figure out how to make the 0 days to expiry market work for me since that strikes me as pure gambling by the buyers and I’d love to get a piece of it, but I won’t until I know exactly how it works and figure out my edge. Keeps the mind busy, which is important for me now I’m retired.

                Like

                Reply

                1. “Keeps the mind busy, which is important for me now I’m retired.“

                  –

                  Same for hubby. That and golf.

                  The problem is that my son is “earning money” doing this. Which is good. But, it isn’t a job (with insurance). Yes, it is a “self job”. If he was doing more than a few hours a week. But he can do a paid-for-job along with this. I think he should be looking at jobs that do not traditionally pay a lot but are, to him, satisfying. Unfortunately, most of those job types require interacting heavily with strangers; not his preference.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  Reply

    2. His own personal experiences, plus watching his dad and me deal with our own work challenges and layoffs. Son is more casual with looking for work.

      It isn’t like he isn’t earning money. He is learning the ropes from dad on the markets for his personal savings.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

    1. Hear! Hear! he broke 100 and is still going. He was dancing on a table in his Early ’90s, reprising the old banker role from Mary Poppins in Mary Poppins Returns. A LOT of stars seem to break 100, or get close, Olivia Dehaviland (102 passed in 2020), Betty White (99 and 11 months, passed like 18 days short of 100). Shatner is 95 and still going. Kirk Douglas hit like 101. I think part of what kept all of them going is they were (or are in some cases) Still keeping busy right up to the end. Probably doesn’t hurt to have money to take care of yourself :-) .

      Liked by 4 people

      Reply

      1. Shatner quit smoking during production of TOS Star Trek circa 1966. As noted he’s going strong – last vid I saw, his face looked like he might be doing the Ozempic thing to lose some weight.

        Leonard Nimoy smoked heavily through 1986 when he was finally able to quit after he was diagnosed with lung damage, and lasted to 83 with escalating COPD, passing from end-stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

      2. I’m not sure how old Ernest Borgine was, but it was a pleasure seeing him as the record-keeper in Red. I think that was his last role.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

        1. A lovely movie all around. Normally action movies have a bit of a slog in the setup, but I may have liked the first part of RED as much as or more than the action half.

          Like

          Reply

  22. At this point I have outlived both my parents (i.e. I am older than either of them ever achieved, although my dad’s passing was an accident, not aging). Next boundary is my maternal grandfather, he made it to 69, thats 4 years off for me. My memories of him in his 60’s feel more like a modern 80+ year old although he had been playing tag with lung cancer (2 pack a day habit) and emphysema since his early 60’s and had worked outside ( farmer, Linesman) most of his life. Paternal Grandfather passed when my dad was 3 (accident? that side of the male line really has issues in that fashion). Grandmother and uncle on paternal side made it well into their late 90’s and I resemble that side FAR more so here’s hoping I got the right genes :-) .

    As for you Dear Hostess, please tell that stupid black dog to heel or, better yet, scram. I have been lucky enough NOT to have that issue, but my wife and both daughters play tag with that stupid animal, and it is a real unpleasant thing to have to deal with.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  23. I was going to post you may have a church grim, but wandering down a rabbit hole regarding folklore for black dogs…hoo boy. Suffice to say some few are considered benevolent, and protect travelers, so I might not be quite so worried about your metaphorical mutt…

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  24. There’s a feature to the Norse “Twilight of the Gods” story (though that name might be an erudite mistranslation of ‘Ragnarok’ anyway) that tends to get lost in all the drama and disaster: Lif and Lifthrasir (the last ‘th’ should be a ‘thorn’ for the persnickety). Two very human and thoroughly not-divine people. The names mean “Life” (her) and something very like “Stubborn Will to Live” (him).

    So, once the howling long Wolf-Winter and the near-holocaust of Surt’s fire have come and gone, when all the gods and goddesses have either died or lived (many are in the latter category, see the Eddas) — out come Lif and Lifthrasir, from sheltering in a “forest” that might just be the World Tree itself, Yggdrasil. Maybe a little frostbitten and/or scorched around the edges, but still breathing.

    And they might be what’s left of humanity; we’re not (it seems) told of more. But still they end up being the ones who, in the allegedly-authoritative words of Wackypedia, “repopulate the newly risen and fertile world.” (In one version of it I particularly like, they complain that they’re too old to have natural children; at which someone, most likely Someone, tells them to close their eyes and throw stones behind them — and every one that hits the ground becomes a man or woman, see Celtic mythology for something just like that. Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures.)

    No special backstory or qualifications or achievements seem to have been required, to end up being Lif and Lifthrasir — except of course an utter indifference to whatever blandishments might have been offered in the meantime by their ever-helpful Black Dog (however you might say that in mythic Norse-speak), through long years of devastating horror and literally world-ending disaster.

    Near the end of the Christopher Nolan cinematic retelling of the historical Operation Dynamo, which (IIRC) is titled simply Dunkirk, an old man (who has an inobvious but profound disability) is handing out newspapers to the returning British troops coming off the boats. With simple thanks.

    One of them, IIRC the focus character we’ve been following most of the movie, says “But all we did was survive.”

    The old man replies, matter-of-factly, “And that’s enough.” Goes on with his job, which he can do just fine, and therefore spare someone more able to do something else. (And sometimes, that is enough: see, especially for the mythology-averse, those non-legendary but genetically-testified “bottlenecks” sometime way back in human history, where the entire population of our species had apparently been greatly reduced to a relative handful — yet, here we are. Sometimes it might even be enough to save or to enable the next Goddard or Edison or Babbage — or, Musk?)

    So, when and where required, just imagine hearing “Hey, that was only Operation Dynamo and the near-extinction of the British Army. We survived the end of the world, at least the old one, just fine in the end, though going through it wasn’t much fun at all.

    So what’s your excuse?”

    Sometimes, for all it can be misused horribly, stubbornness really is a superpower.

    Like

    Reply

  26. it’s definitely no cancer, and so far it’s a “we have no idea” but a maintenance antibiotic controls it

    Have you been checked for Lupus?

    Like

    Reply

            2. (Epic heavy metal guitar intro)

              (Ronnie James Dio wailing) …”If you listen to fools, the carp rules!!!!”

              — —- — —-

              Note, this mashup also works for a Dune trailer “…if you Lisan al-Gaib Muad’Dib rules!”

              Ill jsust let myself out….

              Like

              Reply

  27. My Dad is quite a bit older than his own Dad was when the latter died. He still seems to be chugging along. Not quite as vigorous as he once was, and I worry sometimes. But he doesn’t seem about to fall over.

    He’s quite a bit older than my Mom, so he picked the pension plan that would allow her to continue drawing money from his pension after he passed away. But she passed away a couple of years ago.

    You never know.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. No, I’m pretty sure it’s been an imaginary 25 years. Having said that, these j25 years are normal compared to the years in the i-k plane!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  30. How sure are you about that Black Dog? Dreams work differently for different people. One of my recurring dreams places me in someplace I knew years ago … except that there are doors to spaces that must occupy the same space as other rooms. I concluded a few years ago that this was a side image from some deep re-evaluation of old experiences.

    Is that dog the image of some process, perhaps of dealing with doubt or difficulty?

    Like

    Reply

  31. No idea how long I’ve got. My family history, what I know of it, is spotty. OTOH they were all smokers or raised in a smoking environment, and I was not. I’m hoping that makes a difference.

    (I do know I inherited one familial problem, but it’s the kind of thing that could either kill me tomorrow, or just keep teasing me for decades. So no point in worrying about it.)

    At the moment I’m just going to keep treading water and writing as much as I can. Hoping to write enough that I don’t have to worry so much about Day Job – it’s gotten significantly harder the past two years, because they way they changed things in retail you now have to be on your feet longer, use more gadgets more of your working time, and in general fill the place of what should have been two people before.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

              1. Capitalism is responsible for water you can’t drink, comrade, and food shortages.

                Really. I saw a meme listing deaths by capitalism that started with deaths from contaminated water.

                Like

                Reply
  32. Pingback: Quote Of The Day – Splendid Isolation

    1. Right?
      Forever would get boring. And I’d prefer not to outlive my kids. BUT I’d like another 30 years or so, compus mentis, so I can work. If possible also able-bodied, but the meat suit was never as important as the brain.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    2. Hey. I know a 1934 model. Late in the year model, in vehicle terms, does that make mom a 1934 model? That is the year she graduated with.

      Normally a 1956 late year (car) model would make me a 1957 model. But I did graduate with the late 1955 – October 1956 models … Beat the (old) deadline by 11 days.

      Like

      Reply

  34. my family has been hit or miss on longevity. Some pushing the Century, others, not, by a lot. Though much of the shorter ones had “help” in the form of Demon C and health issue due to life choices (smokers , and obesity) and in the case of Uncle Mike, an assist from Agent Orange.

    Like

    Reply

      1. I had to go get THAT annual check recently. After the very chipper intake clerk ran through the long list of family medical history (again), she said, “We now offer a genetic testing program so you can determine your risks! Are you interested?”

        Me: No, thank you.

        She seemed nonplussed, but did not push it. I know two of them. I’ve already had skin stuff removed three times. The other one is why I get checked every three years instead of five or ten. Since I don’t have any of the other biggies in the family, there’s not really a point in testing.

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply

        2. Eek.

          Mine is due again this winter. After having my chest cracked soon, I think I’ll skip a year.

          Same. No family history of that type of cancer being a problem. Sister had a scare a few years ago, but a biopsy follow-up showed it was a false alarm.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

          1. Mother in law, wife, wife’s sister all had breast cancer.

            Talked to my daughter this evening and she just got the ‘clear’ result from this year’s mammogram.

            But even if you have cancer and make it to the 5-year post disease mark, don’t let your medical/shamanic team stop testing! Sneaky crap comes back.

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply

  36. This may be a weird idea, but…have you been checked for Lyme disease? I don’t know your symptoms, but I do know of acquaintances that have had strange conditions that turned out to be Lyme. One friend of a friend was sent home from the hospital to die, but a new doctor ordered a test for Lyme, just to cover all the bases.

    A cousin of mine had lyme meningitis, which was only discovered because his pediatrician insisted on a spinal tap. The Lyme played Hob with his reactions to diseases he’d been previously vaccinated against.

    https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/lyme-disease/symptoms-causes/syc-20374651

    Give that you mention mowing the lawn, and you have traveled in the US and Europe, there’s nothing to lose in ruling it out. Interestingly, the Lyme disease common in Europe has different symptoms than the US version (see link above.)

    Like

    Reply

      1. *Rueful* You’re likely right, but I once caught Lyme in an area it didn’t exist… because we’d just gotten the cats shipped down from an area in which it did.

        (Lyme hates me, and I return the sentiment.)

        Just, you don’t actually have to be outdoorsy to catch the darn stuff.

        Like

        Reply

        1. So, I can’t imagine lyme disease causing kidney infections, okay? Recurring kidney infections.
          The other stuff… has always been with me, I’m just now figuring out what kind of allergies I have.

          Like

          Reply

          1. My cousin had Lyme disease for several years before the witch doctors identified it. Caused her all sorts of problems including bacterial infections, digestive and endocrine upsets, and her hip joints deteriorating until they both had to be replaced, one of them twice after the first one wore out prematurely. There were also emotional issues including depression and hostility.

            Like

            Reply

  37. Vacation!

    Take a week off – if you stay home, no cleaning binges, either.

    With all the people here, guest posts shouldn’t be that difficult. It probably wouldn’t be up to your standards, but if it will get you to take a break, I’ll write one.

    Like

    Reply

  38. I’ve been fighting the black dog recently, and I will say that writer’s block seems to feed that canine like nothing else. Sitting in front of the computer, waiting for the words to come…not only does the failure to write hurt, but while on the computer and not writing, the place I’m most likely to go is social media, a place that’s truly hell on the mental health.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  39. Some Buddhists say life is an illusion. Sharon, after reading plenty of Buddhist literature, said that’s wrong. What the Buddha really tried to convey is that our expectations are an illusion.
    Life happens.
    Be there when it does.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  40. Pingback: In The Mailbox: 07.24.26 : The Other McCain

Leave a comment