On The Unreal State of Ohio

Recently I’ve come to realize — through extensive deep dives into the craziest internet nuthouses — that Ohio is not in fact a real state.

This was slightly disturbing since that’s where I graduated high school and met my husband.

Actually looking at that map above, I should have figured something was up. I mean I met MY HUSBAND in a state that is — look at it — vaguely in the shape of a heart. This is not even vaguely plausible.

And also, honestly, it’s the stuff associated with Ohio that makes you wonder what is going on. Because in what but an unreal state would a RIVER catch fire?

So this day of all days, I decided to do a little investigative journalism on the state — or lack thereof — of Ohio.

I spoke to several highly suspicious characters who claim some kind of relationship with Ohio.

The first was a gentleman in trench coat and dark sunglasses who was standing by a dark car in a parking lot that looked like someone had been breaking and stealing the asphalt.

Honestly, he looked like such a shady character, I got to it immediately. “When did you first realize Ohio wasn’t real?

He looked at me a long while and answered,

What?

I wasn’t about to let him off that easy, so I continued: Does the unreality of Ohio bother you?

Nah, I grew up in IA and Ohio was one of those back east schools that filled out our schedule when not playing someone important like Iowa State or Purdue

So, where do you actually live? Kentucky or Indiana?

Classified.

Are there a lot of birds there?

Shhhh….they’re listening

I was about to thank him and leave — fast — when we were approached by… Well…. I’m fairly sure it was a well known writer, one whose middle initials are R. R. Except he looked like he’d acquired a soul since the last time I’d seen him in person and he assured me he wasn’t that writer but a much better one. He gave his name as Fuzzy.

He said he’d always suspected that Ohio wasn’t real because gas was so much cheaper there than in his state of Indiana. The problem is that you have to use it all up before you reach the border, otherwise it disappears on the border.

This led me to wonder whether Ohio was a sort of fairyland.

At which point the first — very suspicious — character said he thought it was maybe a realm of dark elves, because who else thinks of putting Mediterranean spices on ground beef, put it on either hotdogs or…. pasta? and call it chilli? That’s an abomination of such an order that if they were real Texas would probably already have mounted a punitive expedition against them.

At this point a wild Canadian appeared. He was the strangest Canadian with a maple leaf on his chest painted over with stars and stripes. He said he was on a pilgrimage to find a new dwelling place, but when he drove to the US for the first time, one moment he was Michigan then he was in Kentucky and had three hours missing. So he understood the unreality of Ohio.

Which is when George– I mean Fuzzy. I swear that’s what I meant — broke in with: What are the creatures that are supposed to be under the mantle, like the Deep Sevens under the ocean? I’m spacing. But Ohio is a creation of theirs, for whatever nefarious purposes they might have. What would the native Americans have to say about it? Have they ever been to Ohio, which doesn’t exist?

The guy in the dark sunglasses and trenchcoat leaned forward and said, urgently, in a hushed whisper. “No, No. ok listen, I’m only saying this once so they don’t find me, Ohio was created as a cover story to hide the location of Hanger 18…can’t say anymore, I think they’re coming….you never heard of me or saw me, right?”

And then he disappeared. Just. One minute he was there, the next he was gone.

But the twitchy Canadian grabbed my sleeve. “It’s true. I have proof.” And slipped me the world’s grubbiest picture. Who even prints photos anymore?

By then I was thoroughly spooked and got out of there fast, having decided I’d just interview the mathematician, who spent some time in Ohio growing up and also went to college there.

Investigative journalism starts at home, on the comfy sofa, with a bowl of popcorn.

So once more I dove right into it.

When did you first realize Ohio wasn’t real?

I’ve always thought Ohio was a microcosm of the US: The north west was wild and playful, the North East was industrial and overcrowded, the South East was farmland and good old boys and the South West is mostly empty except this one pocket of technology at the southwest extreme. After a while I realized that was a little too pat.

Does it bother you that Ohio isn’t real?

They say that all the cells in your body are replaced over seven years, so a case could be made that the memories of Ohio are an illusion, which would fit with the idea that we’re all living in a simulation.

Have you ever considered the excess of snow is designed to hide the fact that Ohio is not a real state?

You mean Ohio is a state of matter like solid and liquid?

Did Ohio have a lot of birds?

Squirrels. They ate the birds. I don’t remember birds. Just squirrels.

Are the squirrels real?

I don’t know I haven’t seen black squirrels anywhere else. There’s a lot of black squirrels. They might be CIA drones.

Of course, doubting Ohio made me doubt my own existence.

So you also are a construct by the CIA? Is that what you’re confessing to?

I can neither confirm nor deny.

Um… So I’m sitting here, with my bowl of popcorn and suddenly I’m worried about Ohio, about constructs, about the nature of reality.

But more importantly, is the Mathematician a construct of the CIA? I mean I should have guessed something was up when he had a name two letters off from the main character I invented for my space opera series when I was fourteen.

… The birds have gone very quiet.

If I disappear, look in Ohio. Which doesn’t exist.