Hard Or Soft?

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

When our older son was born, between three days in labor and emergency caesarean, on COBRA, we found ourselves eighteen thousand dollars in debt.

Now, this might not seem like an insane amount unless you take into account up to that time the most husband had ever made was 28k a year. AND he was unemployed. (Because he had to quit to look after me through pre-eclampsia) and there were no jobs in town. So we had to move out of town for a — rather terrible — job. And we had to live like we were … well. At one time we sat outside a soup kitchen trying to get the courage to go in. (Look, at the time I wasn’t published. And I was too addled — the pre-eclampsia didn’t clear out completely till I stopped nursing, plus there was severe post partum depression — to get a job, besides the fact we had no one we trusted to watch the infant. So– It was bad. Really bad. I’m jealous of people who can hit upwork of fiver and get SOME work. I participated in a focus group on baby names BECAUSE it paid us $50. This was toilet paper for the month.) To add to the depression, I was sure we’d never pay it off/come back from it.

I won’t lie. our entire time in South Carolina, while Dan worked in job-from-h*ll — 16 to 18 hour days working on origami code while I was home alone with the kid, and no car that ran, even if I were brave enough to drive which I wouldn’t be for 7 years — it was like the noir novel where the character lives in a squalid room, with the plaster falling off the walls, and tries to ring two more tablespoons of soup from the can.

Also we gained tons of weight, and probably materially damaged our health by living mostly on carbs. (Not on purpose. It was mostly rice.) It’s cheap. It was the cheapest we could eat. Rice and bulk frozen vegetables in winter. Go-to-farmer’s-market-just-before-closing-and-buy-at-pennies-on-the-dollar veggies in summer. I’m here to tell you cutting fat and protein did NOT work for us. (For the record, you know someone’s metabolism, you know ONE metabolism. They vary that much.)

Why am I telling you this story?

Well, because at the time — I’d only been naturalized 2? 3? years — all my relatives from Portugal — and friends — were singing the siren song.

“Living there is too hard. They demand you be rich already, or how can you weather things like this? If you lived here, you wouldn’t have paid for that complicated delivery. You should move back.” Mom was working 24/7 to try to find Dan a job there, and I have a friend I haven’t talked to since, because she offered me a job and I turned it down. (She made the decision to cut contact, not me, to be clear.)

They honestly thought I’d lost my mind. All this insane hardship we were going through, and it was all so unnecessary. In Portugal things were so much easier, so much more cushioned. The state picked up health care; we could live with my parents till we were on our feet, and why did we insist on doing it the hard way?

At the time, being very depressed and thinking I’d never spring up, I wondered if I was insane too, in choosing the hard over the soft. (It’s 2025 chilluns. We ain’t doing phrasing anymore. Also, the gentleman who laughed, yes, you in the back, can stay after school to help clean the blackboards.)

I can’t claim any great discernment. And to be honest if we hadn’t had a kid, and it had been some other kind of debt, I might have buckled. BUT–

But I had a strong — STRONG — feeling I didn’t want my son to grow up anywhere else. So we turned down all the help — except dad insisted on sending us $200 a month for two years. THANK YOU DAD. We’d have gone under without it. We were paying mortgage, rent, kid expenses, and still didn’t have insurance because job from hell didn’t offer it.– and soldiered on.

At some point, a year later, Dan snapped, came home late one night (Might have been when they told him he wouldn’t have Christmas off?) and asked me where I’d like to move. Because he’d looked for jobs all over the Carolinas and found nothing, might as well look another state. I said “I always thought when I grew up I’d be a writer and live in Denver.” Yes, I immediately explained when I first got this idea, I was 8 and had no idea where Denver was. But he had decided. So, over the next several months, he’d go by the magazine store once a week and get the Denver papers, and send out a minimum of 10 resumes. The idea being he applied even for entry level jobs in his field and adjacent fields, because once we’d moved we could find another job more easily.

Eventually we found job at a 30% increase, moved to Colorado, paid off the debt within a couple of years… and life got markedly better.

Along the way, we bought houses, fixed and sold (Not flip, because we lived in there for a minimum of five/six years while working on them) and we had another kid and–

We went through some very tight spots, but never that tight again. And I kept trying and got published, and made some money from that, and now the boys are on their own paycheck (younger one still in the rice and veggies phase, but this too shall pass, and help is not mandatory but voluntary on our part) we are okay. Not rich by any means, but okay. Enough for us, and cats and some help when kids need it. Still socking most of the money away because old age and health are expensive together. BUT doing okay. A far cry from those hopeless years.

So…. are we masochists? Was the hard way we chose just punishing ourselves for no reason?

I don’t know. Barring a machine to examine parallel universes, I can’t know. But here’s the thing: The last time I talked to childhood best friend (not same friend as above, but we lost touch. Probably just life. I don’t even know if she’s still alive) she said “Isn’t it weird that of all of us you’re the only one doing exactly what you wanted to do when we were little?”

Weird? I don’t know. I know that year and change from hell, and a child who was our responsibility lit a fire under both of us.

And I can’t tell how it would go otherwise, because — well — there is no way to know. BUT I do know I’m incredibly lazy. Unless a book PUSHES I have a heck of a time finishing it. And this house right now looks like Pompeii after the volcano because I’ve been putting things on every surface rather than actually, you know, organizing and cleaning (I need to work on witch’s daughter today and tomorrow and then the great cleaning and organizing starts. I need to try plaud.ai and see if it works for me.) Given a choice, except for “which country to live” I tend to take the easy way and coast. Because I’m lazy.

BUT of course, there were other reasons to choose the US, like my feeling better here, and already, over there, a creeping whiff of jackboots. (Which like most Latin countries, Portugal flops into regularly. However, the EU already scared the cr*p out of me.)

Still…. would we have fought so hard if we hadn’t come close to hitting bottom? I don’t know. I know we were terrified.

And it’s not like we’re big hairy independent. Obviously we’ve had help along the way (you guys know of one instance, plus my dad. There were also years when my parents sending us a Christmas gift was the only reason we HAD Christmas. Because cars or house had broken down.)

BUT it’s more, we didn’t have that guarantee that if we did nothing and just coasted we’d still be fed, and warm, and with a roof over our heads.

I can tell you that the prospect of hanging in the morning being broke and barely surviving for the rest of our lives lit a fire under us.

There’s also the fact an economy not as encumbered as Europe’s (We can’t claim to be unemcumbered, alas) by social net nonsense is more agile, and better able to provide opportunities for people (even as bad as things have got here, yes. Europe as the stench of decay of something that gave up and crawled in the corner to die.)

So there were more opportunities for us — motivated as we were — to keep going.

My conclusion, with all the begs that I can’t know the parallel world where we took the bait offers from Portugal and went with the soft way is that yes, we didn’t come that close to starving, but we’ve also not done much of anything. In that timeline — if other timelines exist — we likely live in a two bedroom condo and might never have had second son, and both of us work, and we barely make it every month. And I never did what I really wanted to do, which was to write and publish books. And which — with this blog — has brought me more satisfaction than anything else since the kids.

Man — and woman and those who just looked in their pants to see what they are — is made to strive. There’s satisfaction in achieving against great odds. There’s also incentive to achieve just to make sure you’re never in THAT situation again. I swear half of my life has been scrabbling up the ice-face by my bleeding fingernails, because the pit I could fall into is so clear.

So, what is this about?

I don’t know if we’re doing anybody any favors with our social net systems, even those that are reasonable like “Health care for the very poor.” Or “Food for women and children in need.”

I’m not saying each man (and verily, if you require me to say that, woman, and every little jot of variation along the way) is an island and shouldn’t get help. Heaven knows we have a budget for helping friends in need (And at one time we got in trouble, until we made the budget.)

BUT help is best given by friends/acquaintances/people who decide you’re worth it, when in extreme need. Because you know what? Then you can’t always just COUNT on it. It’s something that yes, usually comes through, but in the depths of Autopen, everyone was too pinched to even help, even when we tried.

And knowing the help MIGHT NOT come keeps us striving (while getting help, most of the time, in utterly dire situations.)

Look, I’m as much of a bleeding heart as the next person. Right now we’re feeding three homeless cats at the backdoor, and because one of them is pregnant, husband bought them a little heated house. We’re SOPPY.

I don’t like to think of women and particularly children going hungry and cold, much less without food. And yes, the impulse is to say “let the government handle it and that way none of us needs to worry.”

But given how government wastes money, and frankly disperses it to outright evil things, like, oh, various “insurrections” here and abroad or paying illegals to come over (do you have a better description of what they did?) and work subpar wages so our kids are all unemployed, State-Welfare as well as morally wrong (taking money from a citizen to give to the other is theft) might be a net harm.

“But we can’t be sure private charity would come up to snuff.” Private charity ALWAYS comes up to snuff, particularly in the US. It’s just that it’s more unlikely (though not alas completely unlikely) to just take care of malingerers who want to do nothing and waste their lives on being high. It might be less lavish when times are hard, but it will always put a bottom under the endless fall, unless you try to live FROM it.

Something to think about. Philosophically I oppose welfare (which is why we didn’t take it, though we probably more than qualified) but from the practical side, it might also be counterproductive.

It’s entirely possible, because humans are built upon the frame of a scavenger ape, that making things JUST easy enough means the person can’t find the drive to get out of the hole.

In which case we’ve been doing this ALL wrong. And it explains much of the 20th century and its failed promises.

Just something to ponder.

Sometimes the hard way might lead to more soft.*

(*You two gentlemen who joined in the giggling back there. We have extra blackboards to wipe down after school.)

125 thoughts on “Hard Or Soft?”

      2. Little Miss Muffet/ Decided to rough it/ And purchased a castle (medieval).

        Along came a spider/who plied her with cider/ And now she’s the forest’s prime-evil.

        Whaaaaat? It’s PG!

        Liked by 3 people

        1. There once was a man of Nantucket/Who kept all his cash in a bucket./His daughter named Nan/Ran away with a man/And as for the bucket, Nan tuck it.

          (Remaining verses only on request!)

          Liked by 1 person

          1. If you read NML: We’re collecting verses for The Besieged Nomad Song. For the right feel, they have to be contributed by fans.
            Yes, I will suno it, but…. guys…. it’ll be verah verah pg. I’m not sure what to do with it.
            Dan says that fans will end up performing it at cons.

            Like

            1. There’s a Welsh variation and now I’m missing words…

              “What matters that (Leif?) is the old Prince’s nephew,

              He’s exiled to Ireland and will not return,

              I know this for every time boats he is building,

              I send my spies money to see that they burn.”

              (Sung to the tune of The Ash Grove)

              Liked by 1 person

    3. Never having been commissioned, and thus never named as “an officer and a gentleman” by Act of Congress, which AFAIK is the only way to be legally so designated in the US, it obviously wasn’t me.

      Like

  2. I’m grateful that you made it.

    It seems to me, from the outside, that pulling yourself along, and pulling yourself up, involve a balance of desperarion and faith. And the best support is opportunity.

    The best creator of opportunity is an economy creating jobs. The greatest destroyer of opportunity for the desperate is a high minimum wage. And second to that is a welfare system that punishes the person who tries to rise above it.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Sometimes we all need some help, even if it’s just help “managing money”.

    Oh, one bit of advice that I’ll give for free is “watch out for those demonic credit cards”.

    Those can “kill you” even if you have money coming into your household budget.

    Liked by 8 people

    1. Agreed. Cards are necessary for some things (hotels, travel) but using them doesn’t “feel” like spending money. We use cash for everything we can and, yes, sometimes it’s tough to remove something from the cart because something else is more essential, or to get through the store checkout and have to hand a few items back because the money’s not sufficient (we shop with a calculator to avoid those situations) but that has made us much better shoppers and, by the way, left us financially a lot better off.

      Liked by 5 people

      1. Much of my credit card debt throughout the years has been dental, because that’s one thing I won’t put off to save up for. Fix it now. (And, alas, the teeth are not good in this family.)

        Like

  4. There was a year, oh best-beloved readers, that we only had Christmas because we took custody of a stray dog, because the neighbors two doors away were heading out to visit family and the dog wandered into their garage as they were packing the car on Christmas Eve afternoon. “Here,” said the neighbor, when he brought the dog to us, “I think this is the dog that someone on the other side of the neighborhood is looking for – here is the number that they left on the mailboxes. Can you call them and let them know you have their dog? We gotta hit the road, now!”

    So, we took the dog in – elderly, smallish, friendly, poodle-mix. And we called the number, and the father of the family came to our house to see if it was indeed their dog, which had been lost for a week. And it was, of course – the dog recognized him, and was quite happy to go home, and they mentioned a monetary reward. OK, cool. We called the neighbor who had left us the dog, and said – do we split the reward, or what. He said “Eh, don’t bother. You’all made the call and hosted the dog.”

    About an hour later, the family who had gotten back their elderly, much-beloved dog dropped off a Christmas card and thank-you note for us, which contained a check for a simply stupendous amount, which enabled us to have a very nice, unexpected last-minute Christmas. We kind of figured that this was cosmic reward for all the lost dogs that we had found and returned, for not much more than grateful thanks.

    My daughter and I always keep optimistic – something ALWAYS comes up. Usually unexpectedly.

    Liked by 8 people

    1. Btw, that one guy who does skits on obscure jobs in Starfleet did a skit about Starfleet journalists.

      You would probably get more of the military in-jokes than I do….

      And yes, of course the guy makes Trump remarks, but eh.

      His skits are so long that they have both hits and misses, but he does hit a good vein of comedy most of the time.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I know when I left home I expected to live in a tiny apartment, and was glad to get a clean furnished studio. A year or two of that and then a year in the subdivided Victorian, with a bedroom, a “kitchen,” a bath and a hallway (and the Phantom Footsteps that went up and down my isolated hall just about every night, any hour). When I moved into an actual apartment complex, it was wonderful. I had a full-sized fridge! And a living room! And hardwood floors! And they let me have a cat!

    And meanwhile, I was internalizing the family guidance to save, and save, and scrimp as needed, all of which served us well. Making bean soup because you have the ingredients and you want bean soup instead of making it because it’s all you’ve got, is a privilege and a luxury. And my beloved got lunch out of it, too.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Umm, do I just clap the erasers together outside, or can I whack them on the side of the building?

    —

    First job after marriage in 1972 was paying $450/month gross. Wife was a teaching assistant in grad school, I think that was $300/month. I don’t know where it came from, but I had some savings, and we were dis-saving at about $50/month.

    Fortunately, vegetables were inexpensive in Sacramento, and math-major wife already considered coupon-clipping and sales to be a sport, and she was determined to win! (Eventually got to where she would save 50% or better on food maybe once a month. Among other things I miss, she didn’t get the chance to teach me how to shop as well as she did; we had higher priorities those last few months. I do try, but getting to 20% for me is a challenge, and I really don’t care that much.)

    Eventually changed jobs after about 2 years, to a state white-collar spot that paid about $900/month, more than my father in law was getting for his retirement. With wife still getting her $300, that was luxurious.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. You have things more valuable than money.

    Purpose and Family.

    You can’t eat them or live in them, but you will always survive.

    Like

  8. The problem with private charity is that if too much graft happens, it falls apart and there are tedious inquiries and trials and so forth. Public charity is just oh, so much better for the grifters. Ask Tim Walz, and most Somalians in Minnesota. You get to take all the money, and call anyone who questions you racist istophobes. MUCH more efficient.

    And I should think Brave Sir Gavin of the French Laundry knows it even more so.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. And Ohio and Maine, apparently. I won’t be at all surprised if Texas and a few other locales start looking carefully into, let us say, ethnicity-focused aid organizations.

      Liked by 3 people

    2. You know its a scam when the Government forces the honest ones out of business so the people only have the government to rely on. Cali, 18 billion shortfall, for the next ten years. Medi Cal. for illegals. Per Daily Caller News.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. This.

          You think the French Laundry dinners* and vast wineries paid for themselves? What good is single party rule if it does not pay well?

          —

          * Been there. Vastly overrated food. Service sucks too, especially if you are there with the entire wedding party when some celeb shows up with no res.

          Liked by 3 people

          2. I’m sure that they get to decide what is “wealth,” too.

            So their companies and investments aren’t wealth, but the theoretical value if sold for vacation homes of high production farmland does….

            (Besides the obvious issue of taxing on wealth, the definition issues make it even worse.)

            Liked by 2 people

  9. Very timely for us, considering our whole HVAC-related saga and whatnot. Especially considering I’m about to take an effective 5% pay cut next month due to a big increase in health insurance costs, thanks Obama.

    There is nobility in the struggle. But there’s no shame in seeking help when you reach the end of your rope. Just remember, charity is freely given. Charity is not extracted by governmental force. Which is why conservatives are far and away much more charitable givers than leftists. We put our money where our beliefs are. The problem is, leftists also put our money where THEIR beliefs are.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Wherever I have had outdoor kitty neighbor issues, I find the local “feral cat” crew and ask them to help with the outdoor guests. Some will do so for little or no donation. Basics are trap, rabies shots and neutering, and release. Thus the “clipped ear gang”.

    When I was a starving student, I always teamed up. 2-3 (hopefully) compatible roommates renting someplace fairly cheap. Cut way down on expenses. Infantry living had also taught me how to take a whole duffel of laundry on my back to a laundromat a mile or two away. Or likewise a large pack and frame of groceries. Once I figured out the right mix of mylar and blanket, frozen food made it home safely. For truly epic loads of either, I did the “VC bicycle” trick, rigging a cross brace on the handlebars, an upright at the seat, and a big sling load on the frame. If you have the spare bike, you replace the bars and seat with poles for a dedicated freighter. (or find a suitable cart. I had a bike and pipes) This al of course assumes you have the associates, who actually pay, and are healthy enough to do the handyman/physical stuff.

    I have seen a two bedroom apartment with eight people in it, using bunk beds. (eight officially. Some has bedmates. There were also several couch surfers regularly.) College calls that “dorm living”. Landlords call it “subletting” and say “oh heck no”, but if you are discreet they may never notice the semi-permanent “guests”. Tidy and quiet are essential. I had a mob across the hall at one apartment. Hard to tell anyone was home by sound.

    Rice is cheap. Beans cover a multitude of protein deficiencies. Once I learned how to cook them, I did much better. I was also a class-one scrounge, so ROTC surplus C-rats and MREs, were helpful. Several friends worked fast-food, and told their roomies when they were “throwing away” the time expired stuff, thus arranging a parking lot interception of said food prior to actually hitting a dumpster.

    The ultimate example of all that was “The Commune”, a dilapidated but habitable bigish old house in “downtown” of a small Florida city, It was right next door to a soup kitchen. The place was at least 2000 square feet on two floors, lots of little rooms barely 9’x9′. May have once been a brothel or boarding house. Some folks I knew grabbed it for all of $150/month if they could clear the bums out. A squad of SCA fighters did exactly that, in full stick-n-board outfit. (gently). They then re-screened the windows and put chicken/hog wire over them to keep the bums and burglars out. The occasional SCA fighter practice also helped keep bums and burglars at bay. Then the commune crew collected roomies at something like $40-50/month. I think at one point they had 18-20 people paying. (!!$!!$!!) Some were couples doubled up in a rack. Second no-pay month and your crap was out on the (screened) porch for a week, then to the thrift shop down the street. The crew scrounged two more refrigerators and a big washer and dryer. Renters with money cooked in the decent if spartan kitchen. Impoverished ate next door in the soup kitchen. Something broke/failed and scroungers found a replacement, somehow. It worked for about 3 years before someone bought out the land to expand the soup kitchen. By then the place was falling apart faster than occupants could nail up plywood, and was genuinely unsafe. (oh, no AC and barely any winter heat in Florida, so not comfy at all, but bug free and beat the street)

    Liked by 3 people

  11. My wife and I were just a bit above scraping by when we bought our first house in a suburb west of Boston. The saving grace was we had enough for a modest down payment due to a small inheritance from my Dad’s uncle (an educational trust fund for my father’s children the residue of which was shared out when the last sibling graduated from college.) With the mortgage, we were definitely cash poor as a result for a few years. After 8 years we were doing better and bought a new home in the same town. We sold our old home to a couple who were Russian emigres.

    The wife seemed pretty normal, but the husband was a complete pain. He was also being played by his lawyer who took every opportunity to write us a letter with the husband’s latest complaint or demand. We had a signed contract and my lawyer was going nuts and apologizing to us because he had to charge us to answer these letters. At one point I remarked to our lawyer “No wonder we can’t get a arms control agreement with these people!”

    The wife was a different story. In the midst of the back and forth she told my wife that every two weeks she called her sister back in Moscow. She admitted that she was complaining how hard life was in America – all paperwork, contracts and lawyers – that she would not believe how hard it was to sell one house and buy another. She confessed that her sister snapped at her: “Nadia, I have been looking for onions for two weeks. I can’t find onions in Moscow! I do not want to hear how hard it is to buy your second house in America.”

    World class reality check.

    Regards,

    Mark

    Liked by 2 people

  12. My wife and I were just a bit above scraping by when we bought our first house in a suburb west of Boston. The saving grace was we had enough for a modest down payment due to a small inheritance from my Dad’s uncle (an educational trust fund for my father’s children the residue of which was shared out when the last sibling graduated from college.) With the mortgage, we were definitely cash poor as a result for a few years. After 8 years we were doing better and bought a new home in the same town. We sold our old home to a couple who were Russian emigres.

    The wife seemed pretty normal, but the husband was a complete pain. He was also being played by his lawyer who took every opportunity to write us a letter with the husband’s latest complaint or demand. We had a signed contract and my lawyer was going nuts and apologizing to us because he had to charge us to answer these letters. At one point I remarked to our lawyer “No wonder we can’t get a arms control agreement with these people!”

    The wife was a different story. In the midst of the back and forth she told my wife that every two weeks she called her sister back in Moscow. She admitted that she was complaining how hard life was in America – all paperwork, contracts and lawyers – that she would not believe how hard it was to sell one house and buy another. She confessed that her sister snapped at her: “Nadia, I have been looking for onions for two weeks. I can’t find onions in Moscow! I do not want to hear how hard it is to buy your second house in America.”

    World class reality check.

    Regards,

    Mark

    Liked by 1 person

  13. My wife and I were just a bit above scraping by when we bought our first house in a suburb west of Boston. The saving grace was we had enough for a modest down payment due to a small inheritance from my Dad’s uncle (an educational trust fund for my father’s children the residue of which was shared out when the last sibling graduated from college.) With the mortgage, we were definitely cash poor as a result for a few years. After 8 years we were doing better and bought a new home in the same town. We sold our old home to a couple who were Russian emigres.

    The wife seemed pretty normal, but the husband was a complete pain. He was also being played by his lawyer who took every opportunity to write us a letter with the husband’s latest complaint or demand. We had a signed contract and my lawyer was going nuts and apologizing to us because he had to charge us to answer these letters. At one point I remarked to our lawyer “No wonder we can’t get a arms control agreement with these people!”

    The wife was a different story. In the midst of the back and forth she told my wife that every two weeks she called her sister back in Moscow. She admitted that she was complaining how hard life was in America – all paperwork, contracts and lawyers – that she would not believe how hard it was to sell one house and buy another. She confessed that her sister snapped at her: “Nadia, I have been looking for onions for two weeks. I can’t find onions in Moscow! I do not want to hear how hard it is to buy your second house in America.”

    World class reality check.

    Regards,

    Mark

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Wow, you really have lived on a tight budget and I deeply admire anyone who has really felt the depths of so little. Some folks “think” they know what a tight budget is – but only when someone has 20 bucks left for the last two weeks of the month do they understand hard times. We used to have a term for it. Times of abundance, times of less, tight budget – but then – the “dirt broke poor” seasons – and I am so glad to have experienced those. They change you forever can can help with empathy and outreach.

    Although – it sure can be easy to forget those tough times – and I hope to always stay mindful.
    Oh and with this:

    “BECAUSE it paid us $50. This was toilet paper for the month.”

    Was toilet paper really that much back then?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I actually don’t remember. Might have been toilet paper for three months. I just know we were at the point that going to a rest stop and getting handfuls of toilet paper to bring home was going to happen.
      Being able to buy toilet paper? LUXURY.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. You have old cats, so you know how they are; almost 14 and 18, picky eater and varying digestion… Mom buys them the best food and tries to get them tempted into eating, but sometimes they just don’t like it. I would send you the rejects for the outside ones if you want (email me at napalmer63@aol.com where to ship, not LV address, lol). Nancy

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I think the things like givesendgo will become more important over time. They’re like a loan you pay forward rather than back. Government help is a spider’s web, wrapping you up in future obligations prepatory to sucking the life out of you.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I’ve seen people (usually progressives and/or Europeans) complain that people in the US have to get money from donations on sites like Give-Send-Go instead of having everything covered by universal healthcare. But I actually think that’s one of the great advantages of NOT having universal healthcare. You can still get timely first rate healthcare, and if you have difficulty paying for it there are very generous people out there more than willing to help out.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. It’s especially funny when they whine about how people don’t want to pay a little more to help out their fellows. GSG and other crowdfunded healthcare proves people ARE willing to assist other people to receive healthcare, we just prefer to do it on a personal one-on-one basis. Without the intermediary of government.

        Liked by 3 people

  17. (Hee hee)
    Way back in ancient times (snicker)
    it was a priviledge (snort)
    to be allowed to clean the chalkboard erasers (guffaw)
    out back, after school was done.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. In those ancient times, being Teacher’s Pet did not so often involve grooming.

      Though I was usually a Polite Kid, being sent to clean erasers, etc, was more a ‘get outta my sight for a while’ thing.

      Liked by 2 people

  18. OT warning for Twit users…..all day it’s been “helpfully” and automatically switching to, “For You,” rather than, “Following,” whenever I update or refresh the screen.

    Barf. Gag. Retch.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. the worst part about cleaning the blackboards is cleaning the erasers cough, cough

    I’m also of the lazy variety, doing just enough to be comfortable (glances at library/office still filled with boxes from move 3+ years ago) until something lights a fire under my tuchus.

    The big one for me was in the fall of ’97 when I decided to quit coasting after dropping out of college and working graveyard shift at a convenience store. I started looking for something more satisfying and better paying. From January 28, 1998 to January 28, 1999 I worked two full time jobs, paying off my vehicle, my student loans, and my credit cards. Then I went to a different agency that paid better, and was much busier, in May 2000. And it was all because I was sitting around one night getting drunk under the stars and complaining about how unfortunate my life was turning out, when it suddenly occurred to me that I was being an idiot and could change my circumstances myself.

    God has always looked out for me, putting me in the right place at the right time to make things come out well in the end. I’ve never been unemployed, just under-employed. I’ve always had health insurance and access to a good retirement plan to invest in. Even when it seemed like things weren’t going my way at times, like when my old department cut my position and I ended up taking a job the university it put future me in the right spot when I was diagnosed with cancer. Because the university not only allowed me to stay in the same retirement plan, they allowed me to transfer my sick leave over. And it kept me in the same health insurance plan, which the old department dropped a year later. So when I spent August through December at home because I couldn’t work, I never missed a paycheck. We never had to ask for money to pay the bills, because the sick leave covered my salary, and my insurance covered nearly every treatment in full. Treatment started days after diagnosis, and was most definitely not cheap.

    The US may get bad press about some things, especially healthcare. But as long as .gov stays out of the way, there are opportunities to thrive and excel that I don’t think many other nations can come close to. It’s when .gov steps in to give a soft landing in the short term that things seem to get fouled up long term.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I’ve been fortunate. Only once was I in such straits that ramen was almost out of my budget range. (I joke that the Ramen-of-the-Month club cancelled my membership for non payment). Doing all my own cooking, having a rigid budget, and not subscribing to a lot of things (TV et cetera) let me get by on savings and prayer.

    Like

    1. A near-two-week gap between semesters, so my paid meal plan was unavailable. Dooooom…..

      Just enough cash for a really cheap bag of rice.

      had a saucepan and hotpad. Spoon.

      From our ROTC supply sergeant, mooched a leftover open case of “meal, combat, individual” (c-rations) comonents maybe 4-5 total. Blessedly, there were a bunch of salt packets to help with the rice.

      cup or so of cooked rice a day, with a can of something …. streeeeeetched …. into 3 meals a day.

      got -much- better at scrounging. (Grin) -highly- motivated.

      Like

    2. I read SO MANY gothic novels. SO MANY. Why? Because they were rejected by the used bookstores, and I could snag them for free from the bookcases in front.
      I also snagged a 19th century medical encyclopedia, which alas went missing on our next move….

      Like

      1. I furnished my home and three others from “move out day” castoffs from a local college. Amazing the furniture students buy, then cannot fit in a Honda.

        Pay buddy for use of pickup truck.

        “Vulture” on campus the move out day.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I still miss the apartment complex we lived in, in the Seattle Blob– same thing, my goodness the stuff folks would leave next to the trash because they couldn’t take it, but they couldn’t bear to break it down and throw it away.

          I’ve still got half of it, decades later.

          Like

          1. When I moved from Virginia to South Carolina many years ago, I left some furniture (ratty) behind because of the size of the trailer I’d rented. Even as I was leaving the parking lot, the two janitors from my end of the complex were descending upon the dumpster hauling away my torn-up computer chair. Reuse and recycle!

            Like

            1. If you care only for comfort, one can re-upholster a chair or couch with a staple gun and any cast off sheets or blankets available.

              Once I added layers of aluminum foil under fabric, a friends psycho-cat stopped un-polstering the couch. That fuzzy little (MEGA-CENSORED) was the death of some really nice cast-offs. But it made first use by a new visitor kina amusing.

              CRINKLE! …. “WTF?”

              Liked by 2 people

            2. the first computer chair I bought was NOT a wise purchase. Within days it had broken irretrievably. I waited till son could come by and help haul it down the stairs. Put it in the craft room. The cats tore heck out of it.
              When the kids showed up, I asked for them to take it out. As DIL came back in she went “Shoot, I didn’t put a sign saying free.” (We always do that the day before trash.) When she went back out to put the sign on it, it was already gone.

              Liked by 2 people

              1. Mine was ratty and the gas cylinder was shot because me am fat guy. Didn’t matter. Juan and Jose had that sucker in the back of their truck before I got out of the parking lot. Good on ’em. I hope they either got use out of it or made a few bucks off it.

                Liked by 2 people

              3. Sort of a reverse…..

                About a year after I moved into current place, a swarm of tornados tore through, including one really big one. The neighborhood was littered with bits of insulation and paper and bits of trash.

                And one office chair, crushed by dropping from a great height. Just landed smack in the middle of the driveway. BAM! Like a giant had stomped on it.

                Somebody scarfed it.

                Like

        2. We never suffered like Sarah & Dan. But when we were new parents, I shopped 2nd-hand almost exclusively and looked for finds at the curb on garbage day. When it was time for a “real bed” for our oldest, the local mini-college was redoing the dorm and put out stacks of old-fashioned cot beds – the metal kind with the wavy steel “spring” layer under the mattress … a little sanding and spray paint and we used that bed frame for our kids for years. Good times in that sport! Actually, to this day, almost all our furniture is inherited or 2nd-hand acquisitions.

          Like

    3. My college years predated Ramen. For me, it was the 25-cent boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Now I can’t even tolerate the smell.

      Like

      1. generic store M&C and whatever I had to add.

        can of soup over rice also worked.

        rice and jar of spaghetti sauce, with meat if available, else red rice it is.

        Beans and X, beans and Y, beans and otherbeans and leftovers.

        Crock-pot of whatevers. simmer and season until edible/undistinguishable

        chili with whatev avail

        curried rice with X

        good times…..

        Like

      2. Same. Not sure about the when (ramen probably was available), but the what is the same. Cheap mac ‘n cheese was just about the only thing 6 of us ate in our student apartment for a while. We’d make a great big pot of it twice a week, and I very clearly remember the exact moment when the wave of disgust hit me and I just couldn’t eat it anymore. To this day the sight and smell of that stuff turns my stomach.

        Like

        1. Also can’t stand the smell of packaged mac & cheese or ramen, never could. OTOH I can make my own mac and cheese sauce. Ultimately, while cost upfront was more, this + ketchup, or egg-cheese-butter-on-toast, were less than mac & cheese or top ramen package meals. Also I got meat through the raid parental freezer plan. Latter not available when living in dorm, but once had a kitchen that was available. (Also when I learned to hate Pacific Salmon. An abundance of riches. It was free meat. Ate it morning, noon -salmon tuna sandwich form, and night, for weeks, until I got first summer paycheck.)

          One of the best HS graduation/pre-college gifts I got was a small (single) crockpot. Held two large cans of Campbell soup if needed. Keep hot for multiple meals. I still have it. Son took it too. Worked even in the dorm room.

          Like

  23. I believe it was after the 2004 Tsunami that I saw some snarky Euro pointing out how much more they were contributing in funds than the US Government. While missing that the private contributions from US citizens exceeded the combined amount of all Euro countries.

    (They also failed to take into account the funding required to run two Carrier Battle Groups engaged in search and recovery operations. Easy mistake to make I guess, since that many ships would be well outside their experience from looking at their own navies. Let alone being able to function that far from home)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. At the time, there was jocularity about the US sending aircraft carriers. An article at the time noted that the carriers were fast responders, their reactors allowing them to steam across an ocean at 40+ knots. They had uninterrupted secure communications to anywhere in the world. They were 4 1/2 acres of floating airfield crowded with aircraft and helicopters for search and rescue operations. Below decks was a hospital with state-of-the-art equipment and four operating room along with teams of surgeons able to operate 24/7. And as mentioned, the reactors could distill a couple hundred thousand gallons of fresh pure water each day.

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Kitchens and storerooms that can crank out really unspeakable amounts of food, and deployable kitchens ditto.

          :waves in was on an LHD out there:

          And a flock of little buddies who, while not a floating city with a trauma center and thousands of trained emergency responders, weren’t anything to sneeze at.

          And when things were put back together enough that the locals could stop worrying about starving to death, and start worrying about how they’re going to pay the bills when all the tourists were gone?

          They put us out on shore leave.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. I have a buddy in the Navy (still there, just recently moved from Colorado Springs back to someplace with actual water access) who was also on one of those carriers. Don’t know which one because that was a lonnnnng time ago.

            Liked by 1 person

  24. Sometimes it’s not money that’s lacking, but situations can be just as dire. How we manage these situations is just as telling, and outside support is welcome but not assured or entitled. I appreciate this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. a) socialized medicine, and being under the thumb of the eugenics lunatics

    b) I just find the prospect of being on welfare rolls depressing, and certainly don’t think that UBI is a wonderful idea.

    The narrative is ‘leisure to do great things’. But, greatness or even medium-high means improving skills, which is painful with failure.

    If one can give up on the pain of skilling up, one might.

    Lack of pressure is not an automatic ‘and then I must start accomplishing great things’.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I suppose a snicker gets me the job of pounding the erasers…

    We did use welfare (well, WIC) way back when the kids were very young. But we didn’t “coast” on it – if anything, it just made us push harder to get back off of it. (Faster, too, since as soon as you had even a reasonable job with a gross income higher than the limit, they cut it off immediately – there were three lean weeks before my first paycheck hit. Wouldn’t have made it if the parochial school hadn’t slipped us some grocery gift cards.)

    Anywho, this reminded me that, as soon as I get the financials untangled tomorrow (way too tired right now after house maintenance today), I’ll see how much I can throw in for the Gregorys you linked over on IP. Then get back to trying to not need to run my own campaign in the spring to get the blasted breaker panel replaced. Always something… new water heater comes first, but at least I can skip the installation cost on that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Replacing a panel is not so hard. Trot on down to Home Despot, shell out $150-$200 for a new panel, and replace it. If you get a different type, you’ll have to buy new breakers too.

      I’ve replaced a few panels, it’s really not that hard.

      Like

      1. Bit beyond my skill level – and, yes, ALL new breakers. They’re very old and cannot be replaced one by one (National Electric, which apparently are verboten due to a problem with arcing and starting fires).

        Like

        1. One recommendation — put in a bigger panel, with more breaker slots. If you don’t have 200 amp service, look into upgrading that, too. It’s the modern standard.

          Like

    2. thank you. They’re both regular commenters here, and personal friends. I’m right now going through our finances, since we went a little deeper in gift to second son so wife can visit home for Christmas. So…. things aren’t tight precisely, but I want to know how much we can give. And I’ll throw some work her way, as well. (Won’t say more than that, as I don’t want to dox them.)

      Like

  28. OT warning for Twit users…..all day it’s been “helpfully” and automatically switching to, “For You,” rather than, “Following,” whenever I update or refresh the screen.

    Barf. Gag. Retch.

    Like

  29. Yes, credit cards are beguilingly evil. Another savings tip (assuming there you have enough margin) is to have your bank automatically transfer some amount to a savings account each month (amazing how it adds up so you never see it and work within what is left. And save receipts. I do an end-of-year exercise at tax time compiling just what I spent money on over the past year. Interesting to see just where it all went.

    Like

    1. 100%

      Pay yourself first.

      My challenging periods were college. Lucked out that I never had to pay rent on two places, one back in college town, the other where I was working for the summer. Even got away in college without roommates, one a studio apartment, the other a quad so still had “roommates” sharing kitchen and bath. Food? Was either single egg and cheese sandwiches, or parental freezer raid. Many a time I was down to what spare change I had at the end of the month. Never paid with check hoping I’d have money in the bank before it was cashed. Could not afford the penalty fees.

      First 3 months we were married, we still had a roommate. Three of us sharing the duplex. Then when I graduated (roommate graduated too), hubby and I both went to work at our first full time employer. We had to borrow money to go to the job location, pay down and fees for rental housing, food. Bank of parents. Last time we had to borrow money. We started saving one salary for lean times. While the jobs were full time, both jobs came with warning that the first years would have layoffs and unemployment. As it turned out, a lot worse than historical trends, that never got better. We survived. Never quit saving the net of one salary. Did switch to which salary was being saved, which did get us in trouble. Living to higher salary, which went away. Lower salary, even with overtime, was < $600/month short, but it was short. Unemployment more than covered that, but when unemployment ran out, we started draining down savings.

      While things were tight. We knew we were a lot better off than anyone else in our same situation. Yes, we were both on unemployment at multiple times. But we never went on any other aid, including WIC.

      Credit. We couldn’t get credit easily. Not that we were bad risks we hadn’t had any to show bad risk. Sears and eventually Wards credit for the win. Now? Credit likes us. Really, really, likes us, based on our credit scores. Which is weird because we pay $0 to fees or interest. Not ever. It isn’t that credit doesn’t get paid because we use credit, just we don’t pay to use credit. Secret? Only buy what you’d normally pay cash for and track it. Big purchases, now it is credit same as cash 0% interest over 3 to 12 months. Just make sure to make the regular payments, and pay it off on time. Used to have special credit card insurance for unemployment. Paid it’s own fee, interest on balance, plus minimum payment * 10%. Available until the credit card figured out the user was the one making the money, not them (Wards). Paid for most of a color cabinet TV and stereo that way. We didn’t even pay the insurance fee except one month each time. When one knows they will get furloughed. Just required correct timing to activate it.

      Like

    2. When I got my first solo car loan I put the car payment on direct deposit. When I paid off the loan I left the direct deposit. When I got promotions/awards/raises I increased the amount in direct deposit as much as I felt comfortable.

      Result: I haven’t had a car loan in over 30 years. My beloved calls that account the Lamborghini fund (it is not large enough to buy a Lamborghini).

      OTOH, we are where we are because my beloved was willing to work really hard and take risks I would have avoided on my own.

      Like

      1. Best advice I ever got on cars:

        Save up the biggest possible down payment. Save really hard.

        Then, whatever that is, go by a car for no more than 90% of that. Don’t borrow a dime. cash and drive off lot.

        Use the 10% to fix whatever blows up on the car next., or to seed the next car fund.

        Note: if you establish a relationship with a real mechanic, he will from time to time get stuck with a fixed car with no payoff of the bill, thus seized or abandoned. You can at some point buy it off him for the repair price, plus maybe a bit more. Someone I knew bought a series of ~$500 beaters that way. They ran. Ugly as sin, but ran. When they blew up, dropped major parts, disintegrated, pined for the fjords, they scrapped it out and got another $500 beater. eventually worked up to a decent one that lasted a while.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. How uncle bought not only their vehicles over the years, but their current property, then house. Mom says he was always calling “poor us”, yet the house and car payments they were making were to themselves. Poor is not being able to miss either of those payments.

        The example we took from that was to not complain when things were tight, because while we might be wondering if net paycheck (note singular) would stretch till month end, we did have another net paycheck and (later) in addition the 401(k) savings (required planning as required it not get paid in, afterwards is too late) that could have been used if needed. What was frustrating was taking any of that money and “loaning” it to family, when we really didn’t have it to loan long term. As in “what did you deposit net of your paycheck?” (My thought was “why in the hell am I working?” FWIW I wrote the check.) Long term that money was needed. This is back when my paycheck + his unemployment, he was off seasonally for months for years, did not pay the bills. (Layoffs every year of his career with them. Just the layoffs became “act of God”, fire season short week or two shutdowns, instead of lack of work seasonal months worth.)

        Like

  30. when I was at school, cleaning the blackboard and eraser was a reward given to those the nuns favored … the ones with rich parents mostly. I only did it once as I remember not being one of the anointed. Catholic school taught the great lesson, the lesson of lessons, life is not fair.

    Liked by 1 person

    2. Do you know, the first time I came back after citizenship, the gentleman who processed my shiny new passport in NYC found himself with an armful of 28 year old Sarah, blubbering “THANK YOU” all over him. He was my dad’s age. After I explained I’d just naturalized, and he grinned really big and said that last sentence.

      Liked by 2 people

  32. Any complaints that I have about my life, miserable as it might have been at times, are drowned out by watching how quite a few of the “cool” people I know are in bad shape these days.

    I have no major debts, other than a car note.
    I have a roof over my head and a bedroom of my own. With people I like.
    I can eat out on a regular basis.
    When the rare entertainment product comes out that I like, I can buy it.

    I can wish for a lot of things. But I suspect that if I was in an “easier” place like England or Canada, I’d be utterly miserable right now.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I can wish for better.

        But I am…not doing too bad.

        Just wishing I had enough post-work executive functionality to be able to write more than bits and pieces of stories and not churn out a novel or three.

        But…I’m also glad that I didn’t get caught trying to fight my way through some of the usual paths for people like me-academics, entertainment, tech outside of highly esoteric fields…

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Yeah. Like the Reiner case. All the money and fame and respect in the world couldn’t buy them a sane son. (Having had experience with addicts -my brother and his “friends,” for example, that situation really gets to me).

      Or a less pitiful example, Michelle Obama bitching about her hardships….in the Whote House. Ahem.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lord have Mercy. I would not wish dementia, insanity, or addiction on my worst enemy.

        OK. I would nail the SOB up on a cross in a heartbeat, but I am a profoundly flawed man. (grin)

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Dementia and alzheimer’s is bad enough, horrible. Haven’t had to deal with it directly, just through friends who had family members afflicted. Now the friends have to worry about whether they also will be afflicted. In one case father, then daughter, both afflicted in their turn. OTOH the daughter’s siblings do not show any sign of alzheimer’s. Jury is still out (age) on her children and grandchildren.

          Closest I came to dealing with insanity and addiction was the reason I “suddenly” decided to retire. Told hubby the stories and concerns, he said “quit” we’ll be fine.

          I too would not wish “dementia, insanity, or addiction, on my worst enemy”, or their family members. The problem isn’t hard on the afflicted, often they don’t know. It is a nightmare to those who must deal with the afflicted.

          Like

          1. I watched my mom on a 20-year slide into Alzheimer’s. It made my father’s last few years with progressive supranuclear palsy a living hell, destroyed her relationship with my brother, shattered our family, wrecked any estate she would’ve left behind, and at the end, she died alone in a hospital with me still an hour and a half from her bedside. I seriously wouldn’t wish it on anyone. A bullet would be so preferable at that point.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Examples I can give aren’t that destructive on the family, both in broken family ties and financially. BIL’s mother had a 30 year decline. Last 15 years none of the inlaws or grandchildren visited because she didn’t know them, rarely knew her two children. Husband had died before she spiraled. She was in assisted living by doctor orders. While finances were draining, the finances were there. Inheritance was not gutted.

              My MIL didn’t have alzheimer’s but a progressive form of dementia caused by brain aneurysm. She died alone in an nursing home due to timing, over two hours from the nearest family. We’d been visiting every month. SIL, who had been the closest (as same location) had just relocated, and in the process of finding a new nursing home near the relocation. Two of her grandchildren were affected just by proximity (until nursing home, grandma lived with them). Three were too far away. Another too young with a mother bear protector (raises hand) and partner (her son) who backed up mom. She usually lost interest in the new infant/toddler stage grandchild before she went into one of her rants to hubby (SIL by proximity, had it worse). So while I might overhear one, as son and I are headed down the hallway toward a waiting room, she never quite went into one while we were in the room. Had one instance when I walked in with son, he screamed (stranger danger), er screeched, I turned and walked out. Once he’d settle down, we tried it again, with toddler logic, he was fine. Meanwhile hubby got to listen to the “need to force toddler” method. Um. No. Financially? Inlaws had nursing home insurance, which helped, a lot. Didn’t quite drain the inheritance.

              Like

      2. Agree.

        Was worried about retirement years. We didn’t make the retire at *55, went beyond that for each of us. We did something right regarding the 401(k) and IRA’s. Compounding interest for the win. We’re doing good.

        (*) Reason? We got the only child through without current predatory student parental loans. Was saving for the next term toward the end. But we did it. We also lucked out to have access to non-predatory good coverage medical insurance that covered (initially) all 3 of us (until kid turned 26) for $300/month (never went higher than $480 before medicare advantage kicked in on both of us three years ago). Compare to $750+/month employee co-pay for essentially medical catastrophe insurance, or Obamacare insurance (or why we paid retiree family insurance until both of us qualified for medicare advantage). FWIW the inexpensive monthly retiree insurance? – Union. We paid less than half what sister and BIL pay cobra for their “retiree” big corporation insurance (they have another 7 months before she qualifies for medicare advantage).

        Like

      3. I felt terrible about it when I heard it was their son and what was going on. It’s tempting to say “Well, they’re liberal and–” BUT once they hit puberty all bets are off. There’s people who do everything right and it goes bizarrely wrong. And vice versa. And since you’ll always love them no matter what, my heart breaks in sympathy.

        Liked by 3 people

        1. It’s sad all around, and I want to think that his parents tried their best to help him…but at some point with addiction, the addict has to want to get clean, and often that requires hitting the very rock bottom. And help just keeps them from hitting that point.

          But what parent can let their child suffer and not have a heart to do something about it.

          It’s sad all around.

          Like

  33. Pingback: Instapundit » Blog Archive » ALSO, NO, WE’RE NOT DOING PHRASING ANYMORE:  Hard Or Soft?

  35. While reading this I am standing in the kitchen eating bean soup with sausage out of the pan. No job and no food budget, but that’s ok because it’s just me and I have 600 bottles in storage. Some combinations might be non-traditional, but that’s ok too. I have my house, no mortgage, no debt, and eggs to give to people who are struggling. Not sure where chicken feed will come from next month, but it will work out.

    I am blessed.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. A friend went to raising chickens when eggs got stupid-spendy. He now refers to the produced ovioids as “Cluckbucks”. Winds up giving a bunch away to associates and needy.

      Eggs have some essential B vitamins that rice lacks. Prevents eye damage, apparently.

      Like

        1. If you can’t afford feed, you could talk to a local restaurant for the scrapings from the tables (you know, the stuff that people leave on their plate.) They sometimes will let you have it for the chickens. And chickens are fine on leftovers.

          Liked by 1 person

          2. It’s something I’m considering, I just haven’t done it yet. They do forage about 2/3 of their food, but as we get farther into winter they’re not finding as much.

            The eventual goal is 100% forage, but not there yet.

            Like

  36. My friends with chickens will take anything. I’ve been leaving mostly intact but starting to get sports veggies by the side of the next-door neighbor’s driveway, and that goes to chickens over their back fence. (They’ve cleared the supplementary feedings with the neighbors.) I ought to give them my eggshells next, it’s about that time. (Calcium supplements are expensive. Eggshells are free calcium.)

    Like

    1. I do feed them back their own eggshells, and I have several leftover pumpkins people have given me. Part of my garden is going to be for their winter food, but not there yet. I’m building them a food forest, but I’ve only been in this house 3 years so everything is in the beginning stages. Hopefully next year we’ll have currants. They haven’t figured out how to reach the hawthorn fruits (I think that’s what that tree is) but I pull them off.

      Liked by 2 people

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