On Being Yourself

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

Terry Pratchett, in one of his books (I want to say it was in the Tiffany Aching series) said that the secret to success in life was to be yourself as hard as you could.

I find myself wholeheartedly agreeing with it, which is odd in a way.

Why is it odd? Well, because I’m the person who says things like “Don’t chase your passion” and “Don’t take that degree in creative writing, take a useful degree” and “First take care of yourself and those who depend on you.”

Mind you, that’s not how my life works. Every time I try to be responsible and do the things that I’m supposed to do, it backfires on me wildly. Every time I do the wildly inadvisable: say marry a foreigner and move across the ocean with no plan other than “we’ll figure it out”, or have a kid when we can barely support one, or buy a house that is deeply distressed and trusting I’ll figure out how to fix it, or set out to be a writer in my third language … it turns out all right. On the other hand, when I take the degree that will be guaranteed to get me a job… I marry a foreigner and render my credentials moot. When I buy the house that’s a sure thing to appreciate… cover your eyes, because I don’t want to revisit that debacle. And on and on–

But that’s just — as my kids put it — I have luck that beats the odds. Not good or bad. Just highly improbable. So the sure things flop, but the wild risks pay off. That’s fine. No, it’s not. I’m a nervibore, living on my nerves, but then again after sixty two years if things suddenly became calm, I wouldn’t know what to do. (Though I could do with fewer emergencies. They do seem to be slowing down. Kind of.)

I do think when you’re twenty or so and you decide you want to follow your passion being a living statue or playing tiddly winks on the international stage, you’re not likely to find yourself. Well, not immediately. Somewhere between failing, finding out that even succeeding wouldn’t be the thing you would want and eating your millionth meal of cheap ramen, you’re going to find you really have a vocation for industrial design. Or 3-D printing the ideal tiddly winks and selling them to professional players.

Mostly what’s wrong with pursuing your passion when you’re young and so green that certain kinds of lettuce think you’re their kin, is that you don’t yet know what your passion is.

This comes mostly from the fact that when you’re young — and these days that can extend to your early thirties — you have no idea how the world works. So what you think you will really do is often not what the profession actually is. Partly because a lot of what people actually do in the world and how fields actually work are not only not widely known, but often — these days, and I suspect in every time, TBF — work in the most backassward and confusing way possible.

So you planned on being the world’s greatest tiddly wink player, but find they only want skinny blondes for the cameras, while you’re a zaftig brunette. And then…. you tumble. And eventually you figure out who you are. And how to be yourself as hard as you can.

You start out with the idea you should be good at a ton of things you were never good at and can’t even begin to do. Like, you know, I remember my life being destroyed over my inability to jump rope. Or my inability to memorize chemical formulas. Or–

But none of that matters. Because I eventually found my talents, and those things did not matter in the slightest.

So, be yourself as hard as we can, but first find out who you are and where you fit in. So start with something you can do to begin with, and then learn to tumble with circumstances.

Here’s the thing though: when you find out who you are, and what you do well? It’s going to take courage. It’s not just settling into the easiest thing.

At some point you’re going to find out who you are and what you really want to do. And I can almost guarantee taking that step is going to scare you spitless.

Do it anyway. Step out.

You might be on thin air. And you might fall. But at least you’ll have tried.

And if you don’t fall?

It’s the best thing ever.

154 thoughts on “On Being Yourself”

    1. And you might find that something you thought you hated becomes a passion.
      That would have been me and teaching, if it weren’t for how crazy paperwork had got by 20 years ago.

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      1. 1976 – “Computers! I hate them. I despise them. Programming makes no sense. Programming sucks. …” Need I go on?

        1983 – “Computers! Programming is Fun! Figuring out what went wrong and fixing it, wheeee! Fun.” For the next 30+ years. It was still fun when I retired. I however, do not have the drive to continue to do so just because.

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        1. !985, Fortran 77 – OK, this even makes sense, and I can make it do what I want for radar system testing and get understandable results. Cool!

          1995, C/C+/C++ – Wait, what?!? What idiot came up with this syntax? Oh, it was designed for writing compilers? OK, that makes sense. Sort of. But who decided it was a good general-purpose programming language?!? And has he been institutionalized? If not, why not?😉

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          1. Instead of institutionalizing the guy who thought C was a good general-purpose language, they institutionalized C.

            ‘They‘ is a ass, a idiot.

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          2. Instead of institutionalizing the guy who thought C was a good general-purpose language, they institutionalized C.

            ‘They‘ is a ass, a idiot.

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          3. “But who decided it was a good general-purpose programming language?!? And has he been institutionalized? If not, why not?“

            –

            100%

            C for batch programs, isn’t bad. C++ for windows interface OOP, OMG. Written two of the latter. Now C++ for controls or class objects called by easier user interface general programming languages that does not really have a true class structure? Yes. But don’t use the MSVC++. There is a different MS Library (I forget what it is called now, it has been 20+ years since I’ve used it) that is easier to use.

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          4. Because C can do almost everything. What can’t be done in C, can be done in assembly. What can’t be done in assembly language, can’t be done at all. :-P

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    2. The job I have didn’t exist when I was a kid.

      Heck, the job I’ve been doing for twenty years has vastly changed during that time period due to technological advancements. So my job didn’t exist when I started my job.

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  2. I’m not sure if I am having a temporary bit of nuts, a ‘be yourself moment’, or am finding new information about what I want to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.” –St. Catherine of Siena
    “Million to one chances crop up nine times out of 10.” –Terry Pratchett

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Of course, the problem with “Being Yourself” is when one thinks that oneself is an anti-social SOB. [Crazy Grin]

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  6. This is why I think aptitude tests are a good idea if we can make them right. The ASVAB told me I’m not a moron at math, I actually scored high and also I was good at elecronics?! OK, let’s try that and see where it goes. OTOH I can have all the passion in the universe for music and I’m never going to be more than almost decent at playing.

    Jolie LaChance KG7IQC unstagehand@yahoo.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dislocated Workers program requires an aptitude test, or it did mid-’90s. The analysis on mine? Which FWIW screened out timber options because trying to move the timber personnel away from timber and it was a timber company shutting down. Problem was, I’d already done the “move out of timber based profession”, just the two passions merged in this job. The councilor – “Never seen anyone have the first 20 options to be same category!” (Any guess?). Yep – computers. Then I handed over my resume. (I mean … really?) along with proof that just needed skills “updating”, er “stamp of approval” at least a seminar certificate (back then Visual Basic, and Java). Like learning another tool was ever hard. The VB seminar got me in the door for an interview less than a month after I took it. That and the C/C++ experience.

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  7. My wife’s advice to her students was, “Find something you’re good at that you love. You might love something you’re not good at. Keep that as a hobby. Being good at something is not enough though. When the going gets rough, you’ll either bail out or lose your job. If you love what you do, it will get you over the inevitable rough spots.”

    I was fortunate to have two careers I love. I love writing, but when I found I couldn’t make a living at it, I went the other way. I love puzzle solving, and found that my software job was mostly that. Of course many times my ability to be the guy who understands code and can write got me places where others couldn’t go.

    So now, back to finishing my next book. ;)

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    1. My upbringing was, “Does it bring in a steady paycheck? Can you rely on it? Does it pay the bills and keep you out of debt? Then It doesn’t matter whether you like it or not, it’s a good job.” Which is probably part of why I stuck it out in Federal service so long. That and a dose of, quasi-Puritan,”If you like it, it’s probably wrong.”

      But I never figured out how to be anybody but myself.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. I know of coders better than I am. But rarely are those coders the ones who can interact with end users, easily.

      In that I was lucky. I never was on an actual service desk. I supplied support, yes. Never one where I had to take X many calls or limit time with end user. A true service desk would have not worked out.

      I also found it interesting that there are jobs out there (niece had one) where the job title is “Interface between tech and end user”.

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      2. My line to sell myself to employers was, “I’m a good programmer, not a genius programmer, but I’m good enough to get the respect of genius programmers, and I can translate what they say to something you can understand.”

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        1. I also added “I’ve been told I delivered not what people thought they wanted, delivered what they needed.”

          How many times has something been developed that when delivered the client complained? Even with sign off contractual proof they were delivered exactly what the client asked for? Yea, that.

          My talent, given full reign, was to insure that the contractual sign off was for what they needed, not what they “said” they wanted, even if they did not realize that was what they were saying and signing off on. Thus the delivery was what they needed. No arguments either. Granted I was never working on any huge contracts, mostly internal projects for a department or two. Even the last job where I had little to zip say on the whole system (which was for multiple external clients and not a small system), I did have a say on some changes. Made sure the integrity of the change fulfilled what the clients were going to need out of it not only because of change requirements, but longer term. Otherwise company in the same leaky canoe that meant certain requests were impossible because the underlying code structure wouldn’t allow it. It is one thing to do something and have a tool set upgrade make that process not compile. It is another for a company to structure code to do that to themselves.

          Liked by 1 person

  8. Learn a life skill. Carpentry, masonry, auto repair, welding, plumbing, electrical, farming; these are the basics on what keeps our world running, and while the technologies for all of them change over time, sometimes drastically, they still exist and are still the basics that our world runs on. I suspect America would be even greater if everyone had to do that before they went on to college and more esoteric learning.

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    1. My PhD advisor worked in the skilled trades between military service and grad school. He was a lot more realistic about certain things than were other faculty, and a lot more laid back. He vented his frustrations digging trenches for plumbing or tearing out bad plaster and lath.

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    2. The tools may change, but the skills are pretty universal. Always good to have. A man should know basic first aid, how to jump start a car or tow a car, how to build a shed from the foundation to the roof, how to wire a GFCI correctly, how to recognize a poorly built roof, how to fix a leak fast enough to save time (and how to recognize good work from shiny crap).

      Every man should know how to dig a hole, grow vegetables, can same, cook, and keep a house clean, too. How to balance a budget, how to buy an expensive item (be it house, car, or expensive jewelry). How to vote, why to do so, and how to recognize a liar. A man should know how to approach a a lady he’s interested in (as a lady should recognize the same), how to properly court and ask for her hand in marriage.

      A man should also know how to responsibly lead other men, take orders, keep faith, and recognize and correct failures. Failures are non-optional, lots of opportunity for the learning. He should be respectful of his elders, caring towards children, and properly prepared for emergencies. He should know how to bear burdens both physical and less so.

      A man should know how to fight, too, and when not to bother. There are things worth fighting for and many not worth the trouble. He should know how to use his words to encourage, persuade, swear, and humbly request aid. How to repay a debt, and how to take one on. How to make a true friend and how to be one.

      There’s a lot a man should know in his lifetime, be it long or short. Every day is an opportunity for education.

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  9. I’m learning that I might not be depressed, I might not be ADHD, I just might be autistic. Hopefully very high-functioning, hopefully able to learn how to navigate the toxic “normality” of the current job market and AI tools that look at me masking to not scare the muggles and decide that I’m lying through my teeth.

    And that means a whole lot of my coping skills are now going to have to be highly reexamined and dealing with all of my masking issues as well.

    I’m not sure who myself is anymore, and every time I let things down a little bit to find out…things start to go wrong, fast.

    But whatever else happens, I do know that I have a very good imagination. So that’s something.

    (Dad is making tentative noises about getting on long-term disability if my autism is bad enough. I don’t…want to be that kind of person. I can do well at a job, if I find the right job. I can do okay at a terrible job if people will put up with my foibles. I want a steady paycheck and not having to justify myself to a government agency on a regular basis.)

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    1. “Hopefully very high-functioning”

      Uh. You are, given the history that you’ve related. Mind you, you may have some maladjusted coping strategies that can be recalibrated to make you function more efficiently, but the fact that you’ve held down a job that you weren’t even fond of means that your functionality is well within “normal” range.

      Liked by 2 people

          3. ”…might ping on the spectrum…”

            Well, it’s called a spectrum, not a threshold – radio waves to far IR to visible colors to hard UV to X-rays to frigging gamma rays are all in there on the analogous EM spectrum, so I imagine everyone lands somewhere on that other one.

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            1. I wish to Heaven people would realize sexuality is a spectrum too.Masculinity can cover every guy from the most macho to the most “sensitive,” and femininity everything from bull dyke to pink princess, but both will be “male,” or “female,” not “whatever.”

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    2. “…hopefully able to learn how to navigate the toxic “normality” of the current job market and AI tools that look at me masking to not scare the muggles and decide that I’m lying through my teeth.”

      Old autistic man here. Self-employment is not to be dismissed out of hand. You can do well. In construction and manufacturing, nobody cares if you’re a little weird as long as you show up on time and do the job like you’re supposed to.

      For me, trying to fit into the corporate universe has always ended in failure. The Normies do not accept non-Normies. They say they will, but they don’t. That’s just how it is.

      Now, in the computer business it turns out that autism is what most productive programmers and engineers have. That’s what makes them good at it. Normies suck at computers, for the most part. This is also true with musicians and a few other callings. Lots of things to do.

      Go get tested, and don’t worry about it. Find out where all your strengths are and choose things to do based on those strengths. Personally I suck at numbers but I’m third sigma at 3D manipulation and a few other things, like vocabulary. I write books and make stuff, fix stuff, and know stuff, that’s how I get by.

      Always remember: if you are the one guy in the county who can extract the busted bolt out of the very expensive engine block, no one will care that all you talk about is Star Trek.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The big issue is that I’m getting pushback from the ongoing cycle with the startup that I’m working at from family. Dad wants me to get a “normal” job with the State of California-steady, reasonable, has a pension.

        …I want a job with the State of California where I am sitting in a fire tower somewhere and don’t have to deal with people for more than a few days a month. As long as I have internet access and space for a library, that’s golden for me. But they want those to go with people that are younger and eventually automate it at some point soon.

        It’s going to be rough for a while. I’m looking at getting tested, and I really want to be that one guy that nobody cares if I show up in a bathrobe as long as I do the dance and the magic happens.

        (And writing. MORE! writing!)

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I will tell you what. I could no more work for the government doing anything than I could fly to the moon unassisted. Just not how I work. I’d maybe last a year before somebody found an excuse or made one, that’s how wrong I am. Super duper wrong.

          Family insisted for a lot of years that’s what I should be doing. Brothers and sisters did it, nieces and nephews do it, I couldn’t do it. Tried physical therapy, and I rock at it, 3D strong point right? But the dealing with the Normies part defeated me. Can’t deal with the Normies, I freak them out.

          I fixed houses instead. No respect of course, and not what I got two degrees to do, but I did get money. Buy, fix, sell. Hell yeah.

          But I don’t want to be one more ancient geezer telling you what to do. Easy for me to say, I already know how it all turns out. Relax, use the big brain, don’t worry about what all us geezers say.

          Liked by 1 person

    3. Back in the day, nobody cared about autism, ADHD, bi-polar, etc… Somehow people functioned, got jobs and survived or leaned on family/institutions.

      Nowadays there is a greater tendency to be a victim and hide behide lables. Resist this and don’t let modern labels define you.

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      1. The tools that let me function and work in “mundane” society aren’t working anymore. This means I need to figure out what my problems are, so I can get the tools I need to make things work.

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        1. I wouldn’t spend too much time on “problems.” You’re not going to fix those, they’re part of the package. A moose cannot learn to be a leopard.

          Example, I’m very bad at manipulating numbers. No amount of work or study is going to make me a physicist. Ask me how I know.

          Spend your time on strengths. Example, I’m top 5%+ for vocabulary, top 10% for visual/spatial. Easy for me to rip out a book or two, easy for me to design furniture, jigs, tooling, etc. Easy for me to figure out plumbing and do my own.

          You suck at personal interaction? Yes, me too. Hire a real estate agent. Problem solved.

          Ever watch Elon talk? Elon is autistic AF. That guy is 4th sigma on the high side for a lot of things, talking is not one of them. But he doesn’t make his money from public speaking, right?

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            1. Unless you foolishly graffitied yourself with facial tattoos and metal detector testing body modifications, protective camouflage in appearance and behavior is a great survival trait.

              Best classes this geek took in school were public speaking and acting.

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              1. I was forced to take Toastmasters by my first full time programming employer. While I still do not like to do so, I can get up in front and give a presentation, speech, or just talk. Do I want to? Hell no. Do I avoid it? Hell yes. But at least the room is no longer spinning, the walls aren’t pulsing in and out, I don’t hyperventilate, and I don’t black out during and after, anymore.

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                1. I once presented a (controversial about esoteric solid fuel combustion reactions) paper at an International Combustion Conference. Then there was the question period. Comments were from two of the heavy hitters on my side and two were not arguing back and forth. I stood at the podium watching the shuttlecock go to and fro (running the clock out). Finally, the moderator asked if the Author could make a comment.

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                  2. The Reader’s favorite presentation (of literally hundreds) was the 10 slide pitch on the cost of a particular radar system that garnered a 3 hour 3 way argument among our government customers. Afterwards, our program manager looked at the Reader and said ‘you enjoyed that, didn’t you’. Yep!

                    The Reader struggled with presentations until he realized that he could do it as teaching, which he always enjoyed.

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                    1. Priceless!!! My client proposals were written for education as much as anything else. These are the analyses we will perform and what information they give. What modeling and calculations we will do, and exactly what answers/solutions we can give you, and what questions we cannot (not promising the world and documenting exactly what we said we would do).

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            2. It took me until well into my 30’s to start to figure out the stupid, illogical rules well enough to pass. Not fit in, just pass. Now in my 50s I mask well enough that most people think I’m just eccentric, if they think of me at all.

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        2. This will sound silly, but look for “parents of autistic children” type webpages.

          A lot of the tools I recognized from family culture, and you can usually tell who wants their kids to be worldproofed vs who wants an excuse to warehouse their kids.

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      2. Back in the day, there was enough institutional forward momentum to overcome the folks actively setting fire to vital cultural institutions.

        Accurately identifying issues is vital in fixing them.

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    4. If you poke over on Tumblr you can find at least a few posts headdesking about “AI detection tools” mistaking autistic writing for AI-produced. Apparently we don’t use enough slangy colloquial speech. Or the wrong punctuation. Or something.

      If you think you’re autistic, see if you can check for two things in particular.

      1) Food allergies.

      2) Are you getting enough vitamins, particularly of B-complex and C?

      Clearing out the one and upping the other doesn’t solve our problems. But it can make dealing with people a bit easier.

      I hear you on the masking. It’s always frustrating when you feel like you’ve finally gotten to know coworkers on at least acquaintance level, they ask about what you were doing last weekend – and you belatedly realize from the look on their face that no, they didn’t want to hear that the book you were reading on fireflies pointed out how they’re toxic….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Or we actually do use proper punctuation and grammar. Watching an AI detection tool go crazy because you properly used an em-dash is just funny-making.

        Adding some more B- and C-vitamins in the future, will see what happens then. No food allergies that I know of (I hate yams and mushrooms and nuts, but I’m not allergic-just don’t like).

        And it is never fun to see the expression in your coworker’s eyes when you start talking about hitting a local SF convention and they’re convinced you have a Klingon costume in your closet and a spunk-encrusted Japanese love pillow in your bed.

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          1. A lot became clearer when I read an interview with a professional cosplayer who does anime and manga, and she pointed out how often she has to use 6″-10” stilts in order to get the proportions correct.

            Liked by 1 person

        2. I’ve got a bottle of B-12 pills that is labeled as 200,333% of the recommended daily amount. Recently it occurred to me that they might have used a stupid European comma that’s supposed to be a decimal point.

          Double dose does make more sense than a single pill containing 2,000 times what you need. Now if we could only teach the Euros to use proper decimal points…grrr.

          Liked by 2 people

          2. Eh. B vitamins, and vitamin C, are water soluble, so if you take more than your body can use you just have slightly more expensive urine.

            Given the science they’ve been publishing on some of the B-range vitamins really positive effects, including on the aging research side, I just decided to have expensive pee rather than possibly shortchange my cellular process by accident.

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            1. On “expensive pee”– something that anybody familiar with animal husbandry should know about is how animals don’t absorb all the nutrients inwhat they eat.

              Humans, and pigs, are really effective compared to something like a horse– but even then, we “waste” a lot because of the not 100% absorption.

              And if your body has trouble absorbing, you’re going to need it even more, but not actually take in unless you’re way ODing.

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                1. Ah, but that is because you’re not familiar with the politics of RDAs and/or recommended minimum daily doses. (A less common term that I suspect explains itself. :D )

                  To keep it short– do you think serving sizes are accurate, in general? I know I don’t find a piece of steak half the size of a pack of cards to be anything like “a serving of steak” and there are other equally silly serving sizes around.

                  Vitamins are similar, and that’s before body differences come into play.

                  Liked by 1 person

          3. Something like this, I’m guessing:
            https://www.walmart.com/ip/Spring-Valley-Extra-Strength-Vitamin-B12-Fast-Dissolve-Tablets-Cherry-5-000-Mcg-60-Count/22066798

            5000MCG is, indeed, about two thousand times the 2.3mcg RDI for B12.

            B complex is well known for folks developing trouble absorbing it as they get older, especially if they’re female or have health issues. Good luck finding that on most websites lately, but stuff like the “thyroid support supplements” or “B complex stress supplement” tend to have a minimum of double-digits times the RDI.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. That’s what I’ve got. Different brand, but 5,000 μg per pill. Why don’t they just say 5 milligrams? That’s an awful lot of any vitamin.

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              1. If they did, folks would get upset about having to convert, and they’d miss out on the market for folks who were told to get 5,000mcg.

                Which is needed when your body only absorbs a tiny percent of what goes through the system, so you need A LOT of it in your system.

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            2. I think the stress B formula is helpful for me. And the extra Vitamin D.

              I just had my first round of “a stomach bug,” in over 25 years. That’s a pretty good record and I credit the D for a lot of it.

              Liked by 1 person

            4. I’d also be concerned that habitually taking 2,000 times more vitamin B than you need would exacerbate any problems you might have with absorbing the stuff.

              Anybody that can’t figure out that 5,000 micrograms == 5 milligrams is too stupid to be buying their own vitamins anyway. The one thing you can say about the metric system is, it’s dead simple and consistent.

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              1. I’d also be concerned that habitually taking 2,000 times more vitamin B than you need would exacerbate any problems you might have with absorbing the stuff.

                … short version, it doesn’t work that way.

                Anybody that can’t figure out that 5,000 micrograms == 5 milligrams is too stupid to be buying their own vitamins anyway. 

                Says the guy who knew so little about how vitamins work that we’ve had this two day long “basic introduction to supplements and what the labels mean.”

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          4. The B vitamin supplements are like that. I have, with difficulty, found some that are not an order of magnitude greater than the RDA.

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      2. “…when you feel like you’ve finally gotten to know coworkers on at least acquaintance level, they ask about what you were doing last weekend…”

        …and then you tell them, and they look at you like you grew another head…

        Yeah. I have the t-shirt. ~:D

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Yep. You get it.

          I’ll never forget the social disaster that ensued after someone asked me if they should have their hair up or down, and I said up, it continued the lines of their face and looked very classy-

          Apparently that constituted “Asian discrimination”. *Deep sigh*

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Or nearly getting fired when you tell someone at one of your stops that she has very nice ears, very elf-like (from a photographic POV) and she screams about sexual harassment to your company’s CEO.

            I know that patriarchy isn’t an option, that feminism up until about the mid-Third Wave actually had good reasons, but damn it if the temptation to just take some women over my knee and give not-fun spankings doesn’t increase…

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            1. They are a different culture. Interacting with different cultures, it helps to know that culture well enough to interact with it- without letting it into your head. Make the right noncommittal noises. Don’t go into depth. Perfect the noncommittal grunt. A good sharp nod, and carry on your way.

              You might get labelled as eccentric, but that’s better than weirdo creepola. That sort, they’re a sad sort. They’ve been corrupted with the sort of cultural virus that causes teh crazy. Don’t get it on you, don’t get it in you, don’t get in it. Keep a respectful boundary. I might feel sorry for that sort of gal. But I’m not about to put up with her issues, no matter how pretty she might be on the outside.

              Liked by 1 person

                1. Yep. From what you’ve said, that is indubitably so. If you can find culture where you fit, like here, take the time to embrace it. When you have to go out into the storm of idiocy, it pays to have some goodness in your life to balance it out.

                  Liked by 2 people

            2. Sometimes you can defuse the reaction by contextualizing it. I once said to a young woman she reminded me of a flamingo. She was offended at first until I explained that I thought of flamingos as very pretty and graceful.

              My wife grew to her full 5′ 10″ by sixth grade and towered over most of the boys as well as the girls in her class. She told me they called her Jolly Green Giant and Amazon. I told her Jolly Green Giant was just stupid, but I grew up on comic books and whenever I heard Amazon I thought of Wonder Woman, an extraordinarily beautiful and capable woman. Made a bunch of points with that. It also helped that I’m 6′ 2″, so we look right-sized next to each other.

              Liked by 3 people

              2. There was somebody in college who said I’d make a good Olive Oyl. She then hastened to say that was a compliment, and I replied that I knew her, so I knew it was a compliment.

                You always have to consider the context…

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            3. Apparently natural “elf ears” on humans are the result of an obscure genetic disorder, which just makes your ears grow differently and doesn’t have any other effects (IIRC).

              I expect she’d gotten teased about her ears when younger, had met a lot of elf-loving drunk guys, or was otherwise sensitive about them.

              That said… there’s a time to just say “Thank you” and go on with life, if you don’t want to accept a compliment.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Become extremely knowledgeable about something mundane, like the weather. Then whenever your spidey sense twitches even a little, talk about clouds.

                Liked by 1 person

        2. Well, an option is to enjoy getting that look from your co-workers.

          Or to just go with a generic “Nothing much, this and that, puttering around, you know.”

          Or give them the look right back. Your weekend is perfectly normal, the fact that they think its strange is weird.

          … admittedly, that’s kind of a mindset that one has to train one’s-self into. And some people don’t necessarily have the luxury to do it without consequence.

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Me too!
          With bonus for “Hey, come here, since you’re so smart” Me desperately trying to figure out why they think I’m smart. Turns out I used some word like “impressive” once. No, seriously.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. About a year back a customer was harrumphing about “ignorant city people who know nothing” and flat-out asked me what a baby turkey was called. (With the obvious attitude that none of us would have a clue.)

            Me, who’d inadvertantly been in on someone else raising turkeys decades back: “A poult.”

            Customer: Stare.

            Coworkers: You know everything.

            Me: (No, not really….)

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I’m always immensely proud when the gold plated lint trap pulls out something at need. (Or when another Odd understands when I’m saying. When I met Charlie Martin he said “I was raised by the wire mother.” Me “Me too” And we’ve been friends ever since.)
              And then in the next minute I literally forget my address….

              Liked by 1 person

            2. My parents both knew that and maintained that a better term would be “giblet.”

              On that note, I don’t know why a group of flying turkey vultures isn’t called a “thermal.” Because that’s always why they’re circling, not the old trope of “looking for dead things.”

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              1. Buzzards also circle after they’ve found a dead thing. See a dozen buzzards circling one spot, and descending? Something’s dead. Suspect that turkey vultures would behave similarly.

                Buzzards watch each other. One buzzard starts descending, others close in. That’s how a dozen get gathered over one spot.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. I think most people have turkey vulture as their default “buzzard.” They’re the most common vulture in North America, after all.

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            3. My wife was at her acupuncturist’s office on March 20 long ago. She was chatting with the receptionist saying she could never keep straight which was the equinox and which was the solstice. Her acupuncturist’s partner Mark (who was kind of obnoxious) was walking by and said,
              “Sharon, I thought you knew everything.”
              “No Mark, just more than you do,” was her instant reply.
              Mark’s mouth opened, but nothing came out. Everybody else in the office laughed uproariously.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Break them down. Equi-nox: Equal Night, that is, night and day are the same length. Happens in spring and autumn. Sol-stice: when the sun’s track appears to stop, and reverse course. Summer Solstice is when the sun appears highest in the sky, Winter Solstice is when it appears lowest at solar noon.

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    5. Echoing the others, you’ve got some coping mechanisms that served their purpose but can be replaced with something better, among them the assumption that if stuff goes wrong, it’s your failure to blame.

      It might be something that you’re the only one who will try to fix, but that does not mean it’s because you suck, it’s because you’re there.

      The regional culture you’re in isn’t great for mentally healthy folks, anyways.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s what I want. Something better.
        Because I’m tired of flogging myself because that seems to be the only way I can get anything done. Or keep myself out of trouble. Or make any kind of contact with other people.
        And the temptation to get out of here just increases as months and years go by.

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        1. You’re hitting your 30s, aren’t you?

          This is a KNOWN THING, where coping mechanisms break down. Don’t know why. It’s just known, so even if folks weren’t being more crazy– you had something, it worked, now we need to figure out something else to work.

          From what you’ve said about your dad before, a lot of what he’s saying is– his coping mechanisms.
          Which worked well enough, way back when.

          Being calm and hopeful enough to do anything is very important, so he has “government job” as a safe target.

          It’s not that his advice is inherently bad, it just doesn’t fit– but you might be able to figure out why he gives it, and that might help figure out what to do?

          My family left California in the late 90s, and the last of my husband’s died or moved in the last five years, so I can’t help you much there.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Try turning 50 in a few months.
            Lost the…not good but not bad job…during COVID and trying to find something to replace it. Something to make some money and isn’t going to drive me insane.
            And for Dad, that government job (which he had two-police officer and investigator for the State of California) are nice, safe harbors for me to earn enough for when I hit retirement age.

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            1. That means you managed to keep patching your coping mechanisms for over a decade longer than most people do.

              While having an incorrect notion of what the problem was.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. …okay, I can actually take that as a badge of honor, in that respect.
                Still doesn’t mean that I’m not going to work my butt off to figure out what the correct notion and mechanisms are now, gosh darn it to heck…

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                1. Very importantly, it means you HAVE the skills/abilities, that is a proven ability. Even if you can’t do absolutely all of it with nothing as things are getting higher stress.

                  Liked by 1 person

                    1. The job changed, and the weight is going up.

                      It can be a lot of sorting dross to look for gold flecks, but stuff like this:

                      https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/coping-skills-reducing-overwhelm/

                      has stuff that can set of autistic kids– which yes, you’ve already learned to deal with, but maybe you can find a different method; like, I know that masking helps me– but I was also taught to use a portion of me for the mask, which still lets folks hurt me by attacking that part. A solution that works for some folks is to put on a show that folks you’re interacting with can tell is a show, a part you’re playing. None of it is going to make it easy to interact with someone who objectively wants to hurt others. (Sarah’s Invisible Tile thing.)

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                    2. It probably didn’t help for me that things fell apart during the Crow Flu. Mom’s health issues, my employment issues, people leaving the sinking ship of California as fast as possible….
                      Lots of pebbles and small rocks hitting the mask.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    5. I had Miles’ Vorkosigsn’s issue: I hit 30. 30 hit back. A rough, rough year, but I was better for it. And I got a spouse at the end of it.

                      Liked by 1 person

            2. Ouch.

              Been there. Done that. I was 46 when I had to look for work the last time; 48 when I lucked out (lot of work went into that luck) and got the last job.

              I was told get a job with a company and stay with it. Yea, that worked … NOT! Companies kept leaving me.

              I mean I could have waited until the first company started hiring again, the one where hubby hung on to his job by the one rung. Lets see how that would have worked out. Oh, yea … I’d gone back to school, had 3 jobs during and after, had a child (who started school), before that company started hiring again, over 10 years later. Yes, hubby was on the bottom of the seniority list that long and subject to layoffs every year of his career. The company that went from 279 field employees to 160 three years later, and finally between 40 – 60, by the time hubby retired 30+ years later.

              Also, FWIW, staying with the USFS, getting on more than seasonally? Might have happened. Also would have taken decades. Especially with two of us.

              Liked by 1 person

            3. I think we all know that the State of California is unlikely to be around (in its present state) for long enough for you to collect any kind of pension, or to be employed by that state for longer than the next year or so.

              There are a great many other states that have finances more worth betting on.

              Liked by 2 people

              1. There’s the issue that to stay where I am right now, keeping Dad happy is very important. Not the least of which is that I want Dad to be proud of me. So getting something that lets him worry less….very good.

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                1. What about county jobs? Weed control and mowing, maybe? (Trying to pair your dad’s hope for government work and your preference for lowered human interactions and maybe outdoor.)

                  Liked by 1 person

              2. I know a man who had a major psychiatric episode, and a CA state job with a very forgiving supervisor was key to him recovering a lot of function, and putting parts of his life back together.

                But, that was decades ago.

                Maybe some of the retirees will be okay, but I would certainly not pick CA state government as a place that is a good starter position.

                But, much of what I know about job searches, and good and bad positions, comes from failing.

                Some of the CA government job risk factors for me, are probably specific to me. But, most Americans have taken a hit to their sanity, as is. CA Gov jobs are maybe a bit more likely to not just be working with walking wounded, but in the very near future people who are stressed over the uncertainties fo budget and policy changes.

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    6. So there are probably a lot of autisms.

      As in the sense of there maybe being a lot more mechanisms and types of cancer than people realize, because looking at common patterns without a lot of the information that might more fully describe.

      One massive confounding factor is that human social behavior, including ‘normal’, is hugely more complicated than anyone, or almost anyone understands. Partly because a lot of normal social function is explicitly including perceptions that hide social function from the person in question. It is like throwing a ball; lots of complicated motions if you are paying lots of attention, but people can do it without thinking.

      A key aspect is that communication is hard, and transmission (TX) and reception (RX) errors are much more common than many people understand.

      Borrowing terms from EE, we put symbols into verbal and body language channels. The languages and dialects of verbal communication are obvious, but body language also carries meanings to specific audiences that have learned an interpretation for those patterns. Individuals learn meanings that they associate with given ‘symbols’. quiaf grok ‘grok’? Everyone has an error rate. Lots of autisms seem to filter out, or drop, or require the autist to consciously process ‘symbols’ that a normal person of mature age might process without noticing. Other symbol processing might still be happening, and of course conscious symbol processing can eventually be trained into instinct.

      Some of the more literal autists get puzzled at ordinary conservations, ‘where is the meaning?’ and ‘why is this important?’ Well, usual analogy is token passing. The content of the verbal symbols is not important, but passing them in a positive way feels good, and many people need the experience or they get a bit sick. Hi, How are you, nice weather, good morning, etc.

      Lots of autists find that they need token passing of some sort, get sick without it, and basically have fairly normal social drives.

      Lots of autists are missing a chunk of signals that others perceive, but can receive enough, and send enough, to function well enough anyway.

      But, no law of physics says that two autists must have a set of symbols that they can individually use with others, and are common so that the two autists can have a productive interaction.

      Beyond that, there is a lot of weird correlations with diet and health stuff.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. When I was in middle school, I loved astronomy. In high school sophomore year, I met a pair of friends (we’d have called them Irish twins, as they were 13 months apart) whose father was a professor of Astronomy at Yale. In talking with him, he made clear the path which was physics undergrad with astronomy minor if possible, Astronomy PHD and one to three post grad appointments. He seemed confident I had the ability (or was polite enough not to tell me otherwise) but noted that the number of posts for Doctorate Astronomy were few and time on telescopes to do the reasearch rare. He also noted I’d likely be near 30 before I finished (this pasically being twice my age at that time) and got to look for a position.

    I ruminated on this and then something odd occurred. Our High school which had been buying time on one of Yales DEC System 10 got some TI-59 programmable calculators and an Apple II. I had a ball messing with the TI-59 essentially programming in what was assembly code. Time on the Apple was hard to get but I did learn some Basic. And I was obsessed. I saved and almost had enough for a Commodore PET summer of Junior year (with promised matching money from the parents, but times got hard and so if I wanted to finish high school at the private school I had to pitch in my savings a choice I easily made (local High school had severe issues). Ultimately, I went off to an Enginering school for Computer Science.

    Maybe if I had stayed on Astronomy it would have worked out. I would have been right at the edge of such additions such as Hubble, the multiple mirror telescopes that let ground based observatories such as the 200″ Palomar and big additions in Infrared. UV, Xray as well as radio telescope that would have showed up as I was doing post docs.

    But I got to spend 40 years working in computers as the computer world went from Dec System 10 with 96K of core and a 600K swap drum to a variety of embedded risc systems driving many physical devices.

    There are times I wonder if somewhere on an alternate timeline I exist having worked with with Hubble or some of the planetary probes, but honestly it worked out pretty well on this timeline.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. On being yourself…

    …you don’t actually get a choice. You -are- yourself. You can try to act like other people, but that’s acting. You are still you. That’s the inflexible law of the universe. You’re going to be you your whole life, too. Maybe even afterwards, if the Bible has anything to say about it.

    Favorite movie quote of all time, “Always remember, that no matter where you go, there you are.” Buckaroo Banzai, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

    I met Peter Weller one time, he was a pretty cool guy honestly. I’d sure like to be like him, but he’s Peter Weller and I’m me. Oh well.

    Or as my character Bob the semi-transcendent bodhisattva says, “try not to be an a-hole, and it’ll probably be okay.”

    ~:D

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Was once accused of being full of myself. Who else could it be, though?

      I hated it the time I came back from astral projecting and the valet tried to give me the wrong soul.

      I was beside myself!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Generally I’m told I’m full of something other than myself. ~:D

        What I love about that is when the accuser finds out I was not. That’s always a fun moment.

        Like

      2. Ba-dum-Ching! Thanks folks, Taciturn will be here all week. Make sure to tip your waiter, and try the veal!

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  13. I just found out a critical bit of information about “who I am” two years ago and I’m still integrating what that means and how it affects the me that I am.

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  14. I’m retiring  in just under four months and have been contemplating my navel over what, exactly, I accomplished.  On the one hand,for the first 25 years I made a lot of money, enough that I could semi retire for the last 20.  On the other hand, I accomplished nothing — I was a banker and I don’t think that anything I did made the world a better place.  on the gripping hand, it was, mostly, a blast.   I was lucky enough to end up in a field that paid well and was occasionally interest, at least to me.

    Then again, I’m still married to the same woman after 37 years, my three children have been educated through graduate school with no debt, none of them are in jail, none of them are democrats, and none of them actually told me they hated me.  We actually mostly like one another.  So, who in the whole wide world has it better than me?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It might help to know my grandfather was in banking, because he knew first-hand how much not having the money moving effectively screwed stuff up.

      So if “all” you did was make it so that the flow of money didn’t randomly stop all the time?

      You did a lot of good, because keeping stuff able to move properly is a lot of work.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. I. wanted to be an architect but I couldn’t because I had no talent so I became a banker. the banking exams aren’t nearly so rigorous, they only ask one question “what’s your name?” I said “who wants to know and where’s your warrant”. They said “you’re our boy.”

        No regrets and it was a good career. Being a NYC boy, going into the bank was just going into the neighborhood firm,

        Liked by 3 people

    2. A career that was “a blast” that kept you and yours fed, clothed, and sheltered? A raging success.

      As you ponder, make sure the answer to “Was the place I was working at better for me working there?” is in your calculus. Making things happen at your job, and making your coworkers jobs easier, is nothing at which to sneeze.

      Liked by 1 person

    4. Don’t discount the invisible things that you did not know you did, that you had no way of knowing anything about.

      If/when you are effective at being good to people, some of those positive consequences you will never learn about.

      I’ve paid some of your thoughts and descriptions some mind over the years.

      I may not have said anything, but I went back and took some careful notes on what you said about preference cascades, power grid failures, and market failures back in I think January. Late February, I woke up one morning, and scribbled a bunch of stuff into my notes, that was a bit of a follow on. I decided then that the follow on might have been my best original theory idea so far in the year.

      I’m not sure why I sat on this comment for so long, but something about this draft did not feel complete to me.

      Like

    1. For me, it’s the ditty from the end of the Bluey episode “Movies” that’s been playing in my head this whole time.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Luck, Sarah… I feel like serendipity has gotten me through life – even when something goes wrong, it often turns out I’m in a better place when it’s over.

    I was going to be an actor when I was in high school. I went to a 2-year college for 3 years to study it, and that’s where 75% of my acting happened. A couple of years later I met my Significant One and decided the acting thing just wasn’t conducive to having a serious relationship. I got into computer science because coding was interesting, and that’s the field I retired in. What was interesting to me was that my “hobbies” – music, wargaming, acting, writing – made me a more unusual and useful team member, then project manager – and all that fed back into into my writing.

    At least for me, I spent my early years learning things and discovering how to use my differences to excel in seemingly unrelated areas. I guess I’ve been being my (hopefully best) self all along.

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      1. Okay, jokes from that far back…

        Why do ducks have flat feet?
        To stamp out forest fires.

        Why do elephants have flat feet?
        To stamp out burning ducks.

        Like

  18. Pingback: Instapundit » Blog Archive » IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN BE ANYONE ELSE:  On Being Yourself.

  19. Now that I’m 72, I understand something I didn’t understand when I was a passionate twentysomething: Talents are broad. Skills are narrow. I started writing stories when I was 8 and never stopped. This scared the crap out of my engineer father. To him, writers were beatniks who either starved or worked in the produce department at Kroger. I sold my first story to Harry Harrison when I was 21, and got $200 for it. I thought of it as “capacitor money,” for buying electronic parts for my projects. It certainly wasn’t a living.

    On a lark I started writing articles for electronics magazines, and several years later for computer magazines. I took unexpected pleasure in being able to explain technical things in ways that ordinary people could understand. I did more of that, and got still better at it. A tech editor at a computer magazine I wrote for suggested I write a book about programming, and introduced me to an acquisitions editor. I got a contract, and wrote the book. It made significant money. My editor asked for another book. I wrote it. Etc. (I’ve told Sarah this story.) I went on to write lots of books and won awards for my technical writing. I wanted to rub my father’s nose in it, but he had died of oral cancer (heavy smoker) right before I discovered that I was a technical writer, and that technical writers made good money. I later worked in technical publishing and discovered that I could write ad copy and other promo stuff, and edit other people’s writing.

    The ability to write well is a talent. Technical writing is a skill. So is writing promo copy. I had those skills, but didn’t know it until I was in my 30s. I tried poetry; no. SF and fantasy, sure. I tried lit’rature; no.

    Here’s my advice: If you suspect you have a talent, look closely at it and see what skills are fed by that talent. Try those skills. You’ll fail at some. You may be meh at others. But you may be surprised at what you never knew you could do well.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Always been a bit of a black sheep while working R&D for big companies. The key was to ask the question “what about we do this?”

    Manager thinks about it and off we go. A career later the tally is about 25 granted patents and another 20 we didn’t follow through with. It was fun. Do what you want!

    Liked by 1 person

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