Loving Yourself First

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

The other day, I was sitting here, innocently typettityping away, the way one does, while my husband watched something or other.

And then suddenly a phrase slotted into my brain and the years of being a teen girl told this reared up their ugly head, and I launched into a tirade.

The sentence was “You can’t love anyone else until you love each other.”

This was one of those things considered as an obvious given. Everyone knew this was true. In fact, it still surfaces in practically every movie.

And is there any reason to believe this is true?

No.

Beyond the obvious fact that how can anyone else know if you love each other or not? And that most of the time when people tell you that it’s because they pretend to be reading your mind and telling you you don’t love yourself, and refusing to believe you when you say you’re fine really.

Let’s talk about this weird idea of “loving yourself.” Sure, you’re supposed to know yourself and accept the parts of you you can’t change. And sure, you’re also supposed to, in the Petersonian instruction: “Take care of yourself as though you were someone you love for whose well being you’re responsible.”

But LOVE? What do they mean by love, precisely. And of course, when someone challenges you to “love yourself” you’re always going to feel you fall short of this. I mean, as Jordan Peterson points out, you live with yourself. You know all your own failings and all your bad thoughts, you’re certainly not cheering for those parts of you.

So when people tell you that first you have to love yourself and will argue you don’t really love yourself, what are you to do?

And what standard is that for a healthy relationship? If you’re the sort of person who can confidently say he/she LOVES — note loves, not accepts, not is comfortable in his/her own skin, but loves — him/herself, what do you bring to the relationship?

As someone who has been married for 39 years, let me tell you there’s a whole lot of give and take, and you often have to subsume yourself to make the other person happy. In a good marriage both of you do it often enough, (and then realize you’re actually happier seeing your loved one happy.) Even more importantly, you have to allow yourself to change a little, to be interested in your spouse’s pursuits, to change the way your life is.

If you’re absolutely struck with yourself, it will be much harder to make that sort of concession.

So, why is this considered the absolutely basic thing to tell everyone. What is “loving yourself” and when do you know you’re doing it enough.

Is this part of the gospel of self esteem, and you have to love yourself above all? The idea that criminals and hoodlums are those who don’t love or respect themselves sufficiently?

When every study has shown exactly the opposite, and when the whole “self-esteem education” nonsense has produced exactly the reverse result of what they expected.

And yet the “love yourself before you can love anyone else” beat goes on.

Bah. I don’t know about you, but I love plenty of people.

I get along with myself well enough. She’s okay. But I know what she’s up to, and I keep an eye on her all the time. She has a weird kick to her gallop and can suddenly come up with the strangest ideas of dubious moral value.

So I keep an eye on her. And most of the time reign her before she gets in trouble?

Love her? Well, she’s me, so I’m stuck in here with her. And she’s okay, as long as I watch her all the time. But I’m not about to stand and admire myself on the mirror, or buy myself flowers.

I reserve the flowers and the attention and the lavish admiration to my husband of 39 years. And the different kind of love for our grownup kids. And my friends. And the four furry delinquents who share our lives and who are currently sleeping on my husband and I.

If this isn’t love, what is?

63 thoughts on “Loving Yourself First”

    1. It’s a lot easier to be a narcissist when you’re as wonderful as I am.

      Course, I’m also a solipsist, so self-justification is all I’ve got.

      —

      Can a solipsist have multiple personality disorder? How would that work?

      Liked by 1 person

        1. A solipsist narcissist with multiple personality disorder had to break up with himself:

          “It’s not me, it’s me. I feel like I need to focus on myself for now. Got to love myself first.”

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    2. Yes.

      Which are why most criminals are narcissists, no matter how petty. It is what “they” want, what “they” need.

      Me? Doing something for my family is more satisfying than doing something for myself.

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    2. I must be blessed; never got exposed to Whitney Houston other than the Big Daddy doo-wah version of the song. ‘Tis OK, I guess.

      FWIW, their version of Sgt Pepper is reasonably funny. OTOH, I prefer Pallette Swap Ninjas’ Princess Leia Stolen Death Star Plans. They did a lot of work and nailed it. IMHO.

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    1. They told me I was full of myself like it was a bad thing.

      What else am I supposed to be full of? Cheese?

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  7. Bhob yes. I know myself, and I tolerate myself well enough that I can live with and by myself quite well. But myself is a sarcastic, capricious wench who likes to make the snide comments just to see the reaction, even when she knows what the reaction will be. Myself can be kind, and generous, but she can also hold a grudge like no one else.

    I acknowledge who myself is, and I do my best to moderate the parts of her that my husband doesn’t understand, and those parts that annoy the Dragonette, and sometimes even the parts that my mother finds abhorrent. In large part because I love my husband and family more than I love myself. As it should be.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My uncle who grew up on the farm with a bootlegger/drunk as a father, was a Ranger in Korea, become a super successful farmer and land owner, and died at age 98 had a term for “self love”. He called it “self management”.

    His highest complement for someone was they “manage well”.

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    1. Which is why the metaphor “heart” is so treacherous. Some people use it to mean the will, others the emotions.

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  11. Loving myself consciously is too much pressure, and I have enough pressure right now thanks!

    I know I love myself and will look after my welfare as best I can. I take it for granted, and sometimes I annoy my other self because she feels taken for granted. It’s the autism, or some other sort of craziness.

    But it’s all good.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. It is true, though, that being full of real self-loathing and doubt does not portend well in relationships. OTOH, neither does being a narcissist. There is a sweet spot called normal in there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My own issues were a large part of my problems with my own marriage (much of which was why I didn’t get out a lot sooner than I did). My diagnosis, which helped me to understand those issues, and make a good start at working through them, came rather late to the party, but as the old saying goes….

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I have a bad habit (it comes and goes, but lately it’s been coming more than going) of grumbling and cursing and acting exasperated whenever I do something wrong or make a mistake, or get called out on having forgotten something. I do it (I think) because I get angry at myself for having failed at something or for not having met expectations, but it comes off as being angry at the person (*cough* spousal unit *cough*) who called attention to the error/oversight.

      Also I find that spending too much time surfing blogs, various YouTube channels, and AITA stories from Reddit (which pop up on my Facebook feed constantly) trigger feelings of shame for being female (because they are “all” irrational screaming harpies who should never have been allowed to vote, yada yada), old, fat (nothing more disgusting than a fat woman, doncha know), in debt (stupid and lazy), a government employee (worthless parasite whose benefits burden everyone else), a resident of a deep blue state (too stupid or lazy to pack up and move), parent of only one child (didn’t fulfill my duty to replace myself and spousal unit) who isn’t a “productive citizen” due to her autism, a Catholic who is either too traditional or not traditional enough, etc. etc. It’s no wonder that overall mental health, particularly among young people, has deteriorated since social media became a thing.

      That said, in some ways self-hatred and relentless self-criticism is really a form of pride — you’re upset because you’re not perfect instead of accepting the fact that you are not perfect. The “sweet spot of normal” between narcissism and self-hatred would be the virtue of humility, I suppose.

      Liked by 2 people

  14. The positive side of the “love yourself” notion is when it’s being used as a counter to the programming a lot of people get from toxic families of “you will never be good enough.”

    The negative side is, of course, when it’s used to fuel narcissism.

    Unfortunately, it’s hard for the typical person to determine which mental type a lot of people fit into. And the secure types who think of themselves as “okay, really, so let’s get on with things” are generally quiet enough about it that they go unnoticed and don’t have to deal with the platitudes.

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  15. Of course, love is a difficult concept and people have been struggling to define that word for millennia. And even if you think you know, it’s likely someone has a different definition. So maybe less nebulous words would be better. There’s certainly romantic love, with the yearning, as well as the passionate at one stage and the friendship at others. Love also contains other attributes, such as respect, admiration, trust, compassion, etc. I’m sure people can keep adding to that list. I’m pretty sure we can mostly agree on what THOSE words mean.

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  16. Well, the command to love your neighbor as you love yourselves is not a command to hate your neighbor.

    I think it goes along with putting your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else.

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  17. Which ‘self’ are you supposed to love, anyway? Yesterday’s self? Today’s self? Tomorrow’s self? Next year’s self? There are all sorts of conflicts between what current-self wants and what would be better for future-self. And sometimes today’s problems are a result of past-self being a short-sighted selfish asshole.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I try to give other people the same slack as I would like them to give me.

    Or actually maybe more. I know me and know my motivations so I know how much slack I don’t really deserve.

    Other people probably have better motives. I’d hate to think they don’t at least.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Eh. I know this guy. Me. He’s nothing special. A bit lazy, a bit selfish, inclined to moralizing and pedantic at times. Works hard when he has to, sometimes more than he should. Standoffish, introverted, arrogant, and generally unpleasant to be around at times.

    Love this guy? Bah. I’ve got better things to do than that. It’s a duty, same as most things that are worth the effort. After all, I can’t be after taking care of my folks, looking out for my friends, and supporting those in need if I’m a useless wreck of a man, now can I? So it’s off to the doctor regularly, eating more or less regularly (when I remember to), and suchlike.

    Even despite my faults, which are many and varied, I’m a lot less awful than momentary bouts of depression tell me. Depression lies. So do people who aim to be your enemies, or mine. Are the folks preaching self love and self esteem wanting the best for you?

    By and large, no. A vanishing few idealists lost amidst a whole horde of selfish opportunists most like. Basic self care is what it is: basic. You have to be clothed. Clean, Eat and drink regularly. Rested enough to be civil and caffeinated enough not to murder the first person to speak in more than a whisper (or maybe that last one is just us that drink coffee- as I used to). Basic means just that: the foundation.

    You can do more. Eat a perfectly balanced diet. Carefully monitor your exercise. Always use sunscreen. All the little details. Most of us don’t go that far. We do what’s needful in the moment, and the rest can go hang. We’ve got kids to take care of, pets to feed and give attention to, jobs that need doing so we gets the paycheck that makes the life. Houses and property to maintain.

    In general terms, if you’re not paying them to do something for you. i.e. a doctor or specialist, and they’re talking about “what’s good for you,” they probably mean what’s good for them. It’s a con. A common, well paying con, true, but a con nonetheless.

    Has anyone noticed yet that the more attention we pay to “mental health,” the more diverse problems we seem to discover? Things that weren’t so much a problem before, but are now? Seems to me that the reason those things exist is to put money in some college educated idiot’s debtholder’s pocketbook.

    Are there serious psychological problems? Yep. Seen some of them up close and bloody. Are they exacerbated by popular media? You betcha. The self esteem/self love nonsense is one of ’em, by my reckoning.

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    1. “You have to be clothed.” Bathing with soap every so often is also a good thing, at least according to people around me. (A colleague worked with people who had to be reminded to stop work and shower, for the good of humanity.)

      I know that the media make over-worrying far worse. So does not getting out and touching grass. Being too wrapped up in my own head leads to a lot of unhappiness on my part. Doses of reality are a Good Thing.

      Liked by 2 people

  20. I’ve always liked the idea that “love” is “what you do for the best benefit of the beloved”.

    Which means telling yourself “no, you don’t get to do that” when it wouldn’t be good (by whatever definition of that you’re using) for you to do whatever you’re contemplating doing.

    Or telling yourself “Yes you must do that” when it would be good for you to do something. (Shoves the sinkful of dirty dishes out of sight.)

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I have several love-hate relationships with parts of myself, mostly because the engineering work on this body (not, and I emphasize this, not the labor) was most certainly lowest bid and “just enough to get by.”

    But I mostly tolerate myself on a regular basis. Not enough time for hate and all that.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. My mother would tell me she loved me, but sometimes didn’t like me. That’s how I feel about myself. My arrogant stupidity gave me a lot of grief a few times in the past, but I paid the price. Being comfortable with the results can be hard, but since I’m stuck with myself, it’s best to accept the results. Age has brought the realization agonizing over things that can’t be changed is a waste of precious time.

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    1. You have probably heard of married couples, more precisely married women, who say in jest “I would never divorce my spouse but I have considered killing them”. What that means is that they get really, really angry at their spouse at times, just long enough to maybe pick up a weapon if one were handy, but they get over it quickly and don’t stay angry long enough to go through the divorce process. I do think it is quite possible to love someone and at least some of the time not like them.

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  23. Better is “know thyself.”

    I think I’m a decently good guy, so I’m friends with myself. But, I am the kind of friend that does need to be tackled to the ground once in a while when I start chasing the wild squirrels – or occasionally given a good boot in the glutei.

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      1. IOW, practice introspection? Sounds like navel-gazing when put that way. And likely as productive as that usually is.

        Of course, it can also mean “others are irrelevant; ignore them”; not a good recipe for socialization or sanity.

        “Ambiguous Aphorisms ‘r’ Us”😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sort of like someone who announced that he/she/it was taking a “Me semester,” and the rest of us were supposed to pick up the slack? Granted, the individual had just had some system shocks, but so had others, and they sucked it up and powered through. The rest of us were not impressed.

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  26. Love is one of the 4 infinities.

    JOY. LOVE, HOPE and PEACE.

    Each not limited by circumstances, each both a gift from God, and an attribute of God. This is what makes them hard to understand, hard to discover, and hard to live.

    I tell people there are 3 secrets in life: Joy, gratitude and Hope.

    Love and Peace are like them, but many seek without knowing how to find. So I focus on the 3 secrets. Gratitude is a practice, not an infinity, but it helps us live the Way of the Infinite.

    You cannot make someone Love you. It is a gift. There is nothing you can do to earn Love, it is a gift. Be grateful for Love given as a gift.

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  27. I think this is more complicated than a simple aphorism. I certainly think people who are comfortable with themselves are easier for others to love than normals with all our insecurities. To that extent, the saying may be said to be true. I have a friend who has a very hard time accepting a compliment. I nag her about it sometimes.

    More important than that of course is the first and greatest commandment (to which love your neighbor as yourself is second in importance). Humility, not to be confused with self-flagellation, is the most important virtue to cultivate. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am, but that doesn’t make me above noticing how socially awkward and occasionally selfish I can be.

    Of course, if you’re too comfortable with yourself, you have no drive to achieve anything. There’s a reason all writers struggle with ego problems. It’s a lonely and hard profession. Some of us go full Harlan Ellison and present a sociopathic persona to the world. But all of us have to have (or at least fake) a healthy ego to continue on a path that is so unrewarding for so long a time. Some can start to believe their own press clippings as they say in Hollywood, and lose the abilities that got them where they are in the first place.

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  28. I try to love myself at least in the sense of “desiring the good of another”. Self-destructive behaviors aren’t good and I have a history of such.

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