The Incredible Story of Neptune Coffee By King Harv’s Imperial Coffees

The Incredible Story of Neptune Coffee by King Harv’s Imperial Coffees

It all started four and a half years ago during my visit to King Harv’s Imperial Coffee’s private island just off Bristol Bay Alaska. My job was to evaluate the status of our new arctic coffee trees. This one of a kind coffee was genetically modified to grow fast and furious in the short arctic summer, then hibernate in the deep arctic winter. Weeks of internet searches, a cheap off market Russian CRISPR gene editor, and some good old American know how seemed to be paying off.

During the first harvest, just before the first snow, I discovered the first evidence of events of a most disturbing nature. A truth so bizarre and untoward that it took years of psychoanalysis before this story could be put to print. It is not without synthetic substances that I have coughed up the courage to bring this serious matter to your attention. This very serious matter.

“It seems that Walruses now live on the planet Neptune. And they drink lots of coffee.”

There was absolute silence in the room.

“You there, in the back, do you need me to repeat this?”

A man in the rear of the bar stood up and shouted at me. “This is ridiculous! Please explain to me how a 2800 pound marine mammal finds it’s way to Neptune?”

I squinted deeply at this back dwelling man. As this was looking to be a long night, I downed my shot of vintage Greenland Shark Liver liquor, and slowly poured out another. Walking over to this questioning soul, I held out the cup to him. “Drink well and listen good…”

Allowing a few minutes for the coughing and gagging to subside, I began to tell the tale.

The winter of 1937 presented particularly stormy and icy arctic waters. The Bering Sea was not a fortunate place to be for a mysterious Nazi merchant ship. One rogue wave was all it took. The ship sank quick and deep, along with its hold filled with highly processed uranium-235.

Tons of this U-235 spread quickly onto the ocean floor, the current settling most near pristine Bristol Bay Alaska. The Germans of course took no responsibility. They blamed the Canadians, who in turn blamed the Americans. After years of stern congressional hearings, the Americans dumped the whole blame back on the Germans, who by this time had started World War 2. No matter really. The deed was long done. Gamma rays were doing their dance.

Soon after the event, the walrus were shocked to find that the local mollusks and clams were glowing a curious and enticing blue color. And they discovered that these tasted especially good. So good that soon the walrus were searching out and hunting exclusively these glowing blue creatures.

Most scientists believe that there are absolutely no side effects to eating radioactive mollusks. We are all taught this in school. Well perhaps yes and perhaps no. But these massive sea mammals were eating well over 1000 pounds a day of these now crunchy blue creatures. And strange things began a happening.

DNA it seems, has long had a bit of a feud with Gamma Rays.The Walrus were mutating and their skin was now covered with a white gelatinous substance. Later tests were to show they could withstand a direct 10 megaton hydrogen bomb hit. And by tests I mean real thermonuclear bombs dropped on real walruses. Bikini Atoll had nothing on Bristol Bay!

“All well and good.” said Narsu, as I was to learn was the name that strange man in the back of the bar. “But what has this to do with Neptune?”

A world famous author friend of mine would say that it’s complicated. But it isn’t really. Imagine if you will a volcano the magnitude of Krakatoa erupting just under Bering Sea near Bristol Bay. The same Bristol Bay recently filled to the brim with these strange mutating walrus.

Imagine no more, as it actually happened. The blast was so massive it shot the whole dang bay out of the atmosphere, out of Earth orbit, slingshotted around Mercury, hightailed it past Mars, juked through the asteroid belt, stuffily ignored both Jupiter and Saturn, and gave a less than dignified salute to Uranus on its way to orbit around Neptune.

“Balderdash” Narsu said. “How could it go from zinging around the planets to suddenly being in orbit around Neptune?” I cut him off. “There is a scientific explanation for everything.” That shut him right up, and acceptance finally seemed to dawn on him.

So let’s just move on now. Once in orbit, the walrus mutated further, allowing them to breath the Neptunian atmosphere in which they gently floated. The Walruses, always thinking creatures, thought to themselves “A cup of coffee would be nice…”

Coincidentally, right at that same time King Harv’s Imperial Coffees was harvesting its first Neptunian coffee crop, grown on a floating island of pristine scientific construction. Orbiting nearby, the captain of the good ship “King Harv’s Imperial Coffees Buy Some Now” felt empathy for those gentle giants and offloaded crates and crates of the specially roasted Neptune coffee as a gift to them.

Would you believe that just then I received a message from Earth regarding an old jaywalking ticket I had been given decades ago in Hollywood California? Pulled over by a gruff tobacco chewing motorcycle cop. And I paid the fine too, to derision of my older brother Andy. Incredibly, it appears that my citation became Officer Jenkins sole claim to fame. Now well into his retirement years, the cranky old bastard’s been sending me taunting letters for years now. Then with a forged signature he signed me up for an extended warranty for my 24 year old Saab convertible. It was a bridge too far.

Ahh, perhaps I digress a bit… Back to our story.

The Neptune orbiting U-235 mutated walruses were more than happy with their unexpected gift of coffee. Pot after pot, or in their case vat after vat, were brewed. We began to discuss long term relations. In exchange for their labor, King Harv’s would supply them with a limitless supply of our Neptune coffee, which by the way is available on Earth at www.kingharv.com. Like the Walruses, you will be astonished by the incredible selection of coffees, intergalactic quality, and sincere humbleness of this gracious company. Free shipping too!

And that, my friends, is the tale.

Author’s Note
I was arrested within hours of this story being published. Something about driving with an unpaid extended warrantee. And being a disgrace to the scientific community. And stealing my Dad’s cashews when I was little. I regret nothing but the latter.

Blog owner’s note: Neptune is my favorite of the King Harv brews.

Anyway, go look at King Harv’s. Tell them I said hi.