Delayed due to Internet Hamsters

Posted on by hollyfrostgoldportpress

Or maybe it’s internet quail. Or even kittens.

There will indeed be a promo post, at some point, but later, after spending time with family.

So! I am to relay a short story from real life:

Once upon a time our hostess’ future-daughter-in-law decided to take up raising quail. Since landlords frown on such inside apartment buildings, these quail reside in our hostess’ back yard. During Son of Silvercon, a minor quail event occurred, the three residents of one cage vanished! The house cameras were not oriented correctly to capture the cause.

Fast forward to this last week, when that cage was again in use for four half-grown young males. As our hostess was at the computer, she heard one of the them crowing very loudly, and got up to investigate. He was on the patio. So of course she did what any responsible animal owner would do: returned him to the cage and went to call her future-daughter-in-law about the problem and the missing trio. While on the phone she spotted another, then the other two. They were all happy to get back to safety and free food (and wound treatment, for one of them).

Our hostess and her husband reviewed the security cameras, and this time, they spotted the quail thief: a raccoon! Like any sensible modern people, they determined that ancient problems require modern solutions and applied zip ties to the cage doors as a temporary fix.

At five am yesterday, there came a rapping at the patio door. No one visible. Checked security cameras: there’s Mr. Raccoon, peeved that the free quail buffet has been closed!

Suburban raccoons. I have a feeling her neighbors probably object to the normal raccoon solution out here where I am. Something about lack of berms between yards. Ah, well, her future-daughter-in-law will handle it.

112 thoughts on “Delayed due to Internet Hamsters”

  1. “… there came a rapping at the patio door. No one visible. Checked security cameras: there’s Mr. Raccoon, peeved that the free quail buffet has been closed!”

    And no doubt demanding to speak with the manager!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. As for the traditional solution, might I recommend a high-powered air rifle, aimed from an elevated position to prevent stray pellets from disturbing the neighbors? Make an entire planet your backstop. :-P

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    1. I am pretty sure that the daughter of the MadMike Dynasty who is marrying the son of the Hoyt Dynasty has got options.

      Many, many options.

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    3. Some better airguns include built-in suppressors, so one courteously does not disturb the neigbors.

      A .22 airgun, of sufficient velocity, will take raccoon. (Bullet in the brainpan. Squish! River Tam)

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        1. Locally, .177 and .22 are available. I’ve seen references to air powered shotguns (at one time, favored by poachers in England), but if I’ve seen an advert for one, the sticker shock wiped my memory. (There are airsoft versions, but no.) I have seen ads for larger caliber rifles, but that was a long time ago (and not made by the usual suspects).

          Our local mini-club store has a suppressed Gamo in .22 for $129.99. The not-Cabelas doesn’t list air rifles on line, though the local store stocks them.

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          1. https://www.crosman.com/airguns/air-rifles

            And you can have them sent direct to you because they’re not firearms. Varies by local ordinance, though.

            “If we don’t ship to your zip code, there’s usually a very good reason for it. Some areas have local restrictions or regulations that prevent us from shipping directly to your door and in most cases, this can be solved by providing us with the address of a local Federal Firearms License holder (FFL) to receive your airgun.”

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  5. Suburban raccoon problem is a tough one. When entire squads (okay, extended family units) discovered our apple tree, only a few things seemed to do anything at all until after the apples were gone:
    The least effective was the rubber snake draped in the tree. They didn’t like that snake one little bit and it was routinely found in the morning roughed up and tossed onto the ground, and it eventually disappeared completely, but they obviously sent in one to clear their branches and continues to dine nightly.
    Second seeming to work for a bit to keep them out of the rest of the yard was buying a mongo sized container of black pepper from Costco and spreading it liberally around the yard. This seemed to need replenishment every couple days, and may or may not work. I would not want to get a nose full of it.
    The solar powered red blinky led light device, apparently simulating the nighttime flash of a predators eyes, I think had some effect as well. Some reviews rave about it.
    I even tried mail order mountain lion and bobcat urine to make them think “predator” when they smelled my yard, noting we never had any problems when we still had a large dog. This again seemed worked a bit, seemingly keeping them more up in the tree after the apples rather than making mischief around the yard.
    The most effective ground level deterrent was the motion sensor spray sprinkler, set to spray them if it detected motion. This might not be practical if your climate won’t support a host across the yard at night this time of year.

    The one thing that definitely helped keep them out of the yard was fixing a leak in the backyard drip irrigation line that gave them easy access to water when it ran at night.

    Links:
    Motion sprinkler:

    Blinky led eyes:

    Bobcat urine:

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  9. And now for something completely different.

    Soccer org denies “moment of silence” for Israeli victims of Hamass. Polish and Israeli teams defy dolts and do so anyway.

    Epic.

    F### Ham-ass with a flaming pinapple, fronds first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. …with a two-foot dildo wrapped in concertina wire and soaked in nitric acid.

      Saw a headline:

      ISRAELI FORCES ATTACK GAZA’S LARGEST REFUGEE CAMP, DOZENS OF PALESTINIANS KILLED

      No mention a-tall that Ham-Ass is hiding in that ‘refugee camp’ and almost all the ‘Palestinians killed’ were Ham-Ass terrorists.

      Now they’re good Ham-Ass terrorists.

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        1. His last name is Davidian.

          He’s a ranch Davidian. ;)

          And his other name is Oz, so he’s the clear owner of the title “The Great and Powerful Oz.” ;)

          Seriously, what a guy.

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      2. What, the lying demon whores from hell called the liberal media lied?
        This is my shocked face.
        Hoping they all burn in hell for an eternity.

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      3. There is a reason even irregulars defending their homes against invasion have requirements to wear clear insignia under the Geneva conventions…to keep civilians from being killed.

        Blending in among civilians (with or without their support) is an executable offense for a reason. It’s the warfare version of reckless endangerment.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Note that a full uniform is not required; IIRC from when I actually read the Geneva Conventions some 20 years ago, an armband (with distinctive colors and/or insignia) would be considered sufficient. So complying with the requirements is not out of reach of any militant group: if you can afford to give everyone in your group a rifle, you can afford to have armbands made as well.

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          1. Yes, something visible and distinctive that could separate you from civilians.

            That, however, would not apply to Hamas because they are an military force organized prior to the IDF entering Gaza and that has engaged in military action outside Gaza. They should be wearing regular uniforms.

            The Red Cross has tried a few time to get nations to agree that such irregulars only put on the insignia right before entering combat and to be allowed to remove it right after, but it’s been shot down because it misses the point.

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            1. Traditionally some people have taken off uniforms until combat time, but usually because they are subject to getting shot as spies if caught while not wearing uniform.

              I think those guys were all regular military, though.

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  10. The blue mice and pink elephants put the raccoon up to it. The aardvark’s sure of it, and Fluffy and the sea serpent in the minion pool agree.

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    1. The ring Leader was Puff the Magic Dragon, he put the others up to it, the raccoon didn’t have a choice, there was that sex tape of him and that slut of an otter from only fans.

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          2. The aardvark is offended at the notion that his presence here, for years, is suddenly an attack on sanity after all he’s done to preserve it.

            And Fluffy’s threatening to hold no more BBQ.

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            1. One would sympathize with Fluffy, what with that intruder from Hanalee creating trouble in his domain. (If it’s not his, nobody tell him, OK?)

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            1. Because the brewers and vintners of the world are known to be mountains of sanity in a questionably sane world. Any cracks in the foundation of a sane world might mean less quality alcohol brewed, as there be less men sufficient mental stability to do so.

              They’d all be purple haired they/xquims holding banners of dubious provenance and chanting nonsense at you. Making things, even alcoholic things grounds you. Makes you less like to flights of fancy and the like.

              Or something like that.

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      2. And the otter goes on MSM to loudly proclaim that the video was generated by AI and used by the racoon to blackmail the otter.

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        1. Backed up by Al SWharpton and the FBI posing as white supremacists in matching tan slacks GOP shirts and ray ban sunglasses.

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  11. A solution to such a problem in jurisdictions that frown upon shooting the little porch thieves yourself is to get a live trap, box the raccoon up, and then drive him a few miles away and dump him off in a forest preserve.

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    1. Nah, they’re persistent little buggers. Territorial, too. He’d be back in a week, or sooner. Even if not, dumping him in other raccoons’ territories wouldn’t be doing him any favors.

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      1. I could care less about doing him a favor, I just want him gone, and if I’m not allowed to kill him myself then they can’t exactly prosecute his fellow raccoons for doing it. g

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          2. And here I was imagining a Trash Panda in little cement shoes. Try and wash things with that you annoying striped thief. Can Racoons join the Rodent Liberation Army, legalistically I don’t think they’re rodents.

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  14. I have a longer post stuck in mod because I forgot about the number-of-links limit, but from that long post here’s the most effective suburban countermeasure I found for trash pandas:

    The most effective ground level deterrent was the motion sensor spray sprinkler, set to spray them if it detected motion. This might not be practical if your climate won’t support a hose across the yard overnight this time of year.

    Link to Motion sprinkler:

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    1. Oh for criminy’s sake. I’m seeing a Kindle error on my last post saying it can’t load a preview. It’s a sprinkler, not a book. WordPress delenda est.

      Go to ‘zon and search for something like “motion activated sprinkler animal”.

      Yeesh.

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  15. A decade and more ago I was leaving work. Power plant in the middle of nowhere rural Florida. There was a large concrete barrel with a can and liner inside and a flap lid. Trash barrel. I was just to it passing it on my right…when I see a large raccoon coming to it from the left. We pause. He looks at me. I look at him. No cover. No retreat.
    He slooowly starts to turn his head to his right. I do the same. When we can just see each other from the corner of our eye, i take a step to my right and forward. He does the same. So we each move in our preferred direction while keeping an eye on the other. After I am three or four steps away….I hear a small noise. He is on the lid at thr flap. He looks at me. I look at him. I nod. He nods. I start to turn away. When my head is almost all the way around, he dives in. After a few more steps I look back. He is hold the flap up peering at me. I waved. He dropped the flap and disappeared. I laughed all the way to the car.

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  17. Raccoons are probably less harmful to the environment than Democrats and the able-bodied folks they pay not to work… Probably more biodegradable, too…

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  19. My grandmother had an anecdote (friend of a friend was an undertaker) that each decade it takes less chemicals to embalm people. They were coming to him already preserved by all the junk they’re eating.

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    1. We’ve had that speculation about intestinal flora… wondering if the reason “pro-biotics” never seem to work for very long is because they keep getting killed by the preservatives in the rest of the food one eats.

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        2. … Hmmmmmmmm.

          That’s a very good point.

          Maybe they decided that a given organism had to be more than monocellular to count as fauna?

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        1. Biotics, like any other cretures, should be treated according to their actions. Don’t lump the helpful ones in with those that are truly sickening!

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  20. I thoroughly believe the Babylon Bee reads this site for story ideas, I think they owe us all royalties….snicker

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  21. Sufficnent angle (2nd Story), .22 short, problem solved. I’ve dealt with ground hogs and rabbits this way

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    1. CCI sells a “quiet” branded .22LR at “short” velocity and sound. Projectile is either a solid or 3 piece pre-fragmented. The latter provides hollow point damage at low velocity. Might not cycle some autoloaders.

      For pest control.

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      1. Use a suppressed .22 LR with the subsonic ammo. I bought 500 rds of such for pest control. Yes, I had to wait months for the suppressor. Need a few more of different calibers/capabilities (FA, magnum) for pest control.

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    1. I was visualizing three “rapper” raccoons.

      DJ Trash Panda
      Freeloading Freddy
      T-Rex

      Beat Bandit Boyz

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          1. Clearly with the meat gone. No self respecting trash panda is going to waste food as a musical instrument

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    2. Why not?

      “‘Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my sliding door —
      Only this and nothing more.”

      Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
      But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
      And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my sliding door, …

      Holy Spit, what the heck are you? Standby one, trash panda,
      I’ve gotcher evening snack right here!”

      “Lenore! Bring me the garden gun!”

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I can picture that. Oh a Chew Toy! Thank you. Probably have to go at least Mountain Lion and up though racoons are not as sweet and fuzzy as they look. Long ago one of the semi feral tomcats we had as a kid got in an altercation with a racoon. The cat got out of that real fast when he realized he was fighting above his weight class. And he was a HUGE 17lb unneuterd male, he was one nasty SOB chased off a German shepherd that was harassing our cats, but a Trash Panda was more than his equal once the element of surprise was gone.

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      1. racoons are not as sweet and fuzzy as they look.

        Boy, howdy are they not. They move like bears and they growl like bears (only much higher pitched). They act like bears and should be treated accordingly.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Back in Omaha, we had a boar raccoon get into the garage one afternoon. Sib and I were not even allowed into the basement (garage led to basement) until it had departed. Dad said it probably weighed easily 20 pounds. We kids were under orders to head for the closest house and wait for an adult escort if raccoons appeared by daylight. The neighbors were always happy to let us in until the excitement passed.

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        2. The German term for racoon is Waschbär or “washing bear.” Someone thought it would be great to introduce a few to Europe in the late 1800s. After all, what could possibly go …

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          1. Looks like TXRed beat me to the punchline. And yes full daytime racoons BAD, they are nocturnal/crepuscular and excessive daytime activity and aggressiveness may indicate rabies. For a while they had gotten VERY thin on the ground here in New England as rabies had really winnowed them out. They were so rare I almost missed them until one went through my garbage back at the start of the covidiocy. The are strong AND smart. If something else was going evolve after us I’m putting money on Racoons and their various cousins like Coatimundi which seem to be racoons with an attitude and a high SAT.

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  25. Inlaws fed a feral cat on their back patio. Put out enough cat food to feed the cat and mama raccoon and her current year litter. By time for mama to abandon the kits, she’d show up, take a few bites, get them thoroughly involved in eating, and disappear. Eventually the kits would disperse. Next year, mama was back with another litter to raise.

    Even tho we are county, since we are urban neighborhood, firing any firearm is not allowed. Not too worried about raccoons. Supposedly we have raccoons in the neighborhood, but we keep the garbage in the garage, do not have fruit trees, yard debris pile with food scraps, or chicken/quails. Never seen any raccoons. Possums, yes (although not lately). Even if we were to see them, it is not legal to relocate them to somewhere else. OTOH not suppose to relocate skunks (don’t think people think they can without getting dosed, thus won’t), we have, cleanly. Skunk wasn’t happy about it, but it showed it’s displeasure (and then some) when trapped in the live trap, so nothing in the tank, to show additional displeasure. Cute little Willamette Valley Spotted Skunk.

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  26. You could look to Mark Rober for a solution. He’s a Youtuub channeler into techie solutions. For five years he set non-lethal but unpleasant traps for porch pirates. Several of them included a hard-to-to-remove stink spray that starts with skunk and goes on down from there. Mr. Ringtail Bandit might have appreciated a dose, especially if he had to run through a passageway that hit him again and again on his way out. Some Silly String might have added to his enjoyment

    If the treatment was accompanied by an alarm noise, that noise alone might keep him away after the dose, at least for a while.

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  27. While I nodded nearly napping
    Suddenly there came a tapping
    As of someone gently rapping
    Rapping at my patio door
    Tis some raccoon I muttered, tapping at my patio door
    Only this and nothing more

    Sorry, couldn’t help myself. 😁

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      1. Democrats, Ethics, bwahahahahahaha Democrat Politicians would sodomize there own mothers to death for a few hundred bucks, they’d easily pimp their children out for a few thousand. Flesh Eating bacteria have more morals and ethics than a Democrat Politician, and the republicans are not much better. spit.

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        1. The Democrats’ attitude towards ethics is the same as Leona Hemsley’s towards taxes; they are for “the little people” only, with the additional caveat that they are for their political opponents only, regardless of whether little or not.

          Generally when Democrats accuse opponents of ethics violations, or indeed just about anything else, they are projecting.

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          1. Make sure you include the GOPe RINOs; the only reason McCarthy can make this threat is they will “reach across the aisle” to get the votes.

            Same situation Trump faced with impeachment, BTW, with Vichy Mitchy in charge.

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      2. Imaginos you asked “What are they trying to cover up”. Better to ask, What AREN’T they trying to cover up, its a much smaller universe. As for the Epstein list you’d be better off lining your shorts with Cobalt 60. Your life expectancy would be far longer and the means of your demise far less unpleasant.

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