Stress Test

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

I’ve been reading about the things that stress does to people.  This was by way of being a bad idea, but I think I get why this year I’ve stumbled from illness to illness, never being quite right and always being a little “off”.

This year has been interesting, because it started and continued with a lot of uncertainty in the family (mostly financial, but not all – and it’s not things I can talk about as it’s not my issue as such.) As always happens with these things, the house took its cue from our mental state, and things started breaking down left and right.

Now, I want to emphasize that since about the end of July things have been improving – slowly, but improving – so why is it that this is when my body decided it was time to really revel in virus infections, one after the other?  Don’t know.  I don’t even know if this is one long “thing” – though I don’t think so, because symptoms have changed every month or so.  It’s just been like I have a day or two okay, then fall again.  This has made writing very hard.  I PROBABLY could do fluffy romance of something, but the space opera takes energy and strength (don’t ask.  No, I don’t get it either.)

The good news is that both Through Fire and Darkship Revenge are at the tip over point, when they become easier.  The bad news of course, is that I THINK I’m finally well enough to them.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, will you?  The last week ahs involved an awful lot of sleep…

Now, here’s the question, and it is serious, and I suspect some of you have experience with this:

What does one do to distress?

Look, the problem is not so much this year.  This year is when the neurotic cats of stress came home to roost (carrying their catnip mice with them) but actually technically I think what I’m getting is stress-backlash.

Let me explain – in many ways the last two years have been a reduction of stress.  Partly because I gave up on working for traditional publisher other than Baen, partly – related – because I gave up on pretending to be what they expected me to be (and that’s not just politics), partly because it frees me to write only what I like/can get into. There is NOTHING on this green Earth worse than trying to write something you really don’t want to.  And I don’t mean overall.

When I say I never submitted anything I didn’t want to write, I was right, of course.  BUT there’s more to it than that.

The way things used to work is that I had to send in a proposal.  The proposal was three chapters and a full outline.  The outline was bad enough – took me years to twig to the fact that the publishers don’t expect you to stick to that come heck or high water.  It’s just to give them a full impression of your idea.  If you deviate, it’s okay – because I can’t write how the middle resolution will work, if I don’t KNOW the characters yet.  (Though I usually know the end.)  BUT the three chapters killed me.  I joke with my family that a book is halfway done once I have three chapters.  This is not strictly true.  Usually it takes about ten to get to the “easy point” where it’s easy from then on to finish the book.  BUT the first three chapters are the heaviest lifting I do  ever, because I have to get the voice, and the character, and the feel.

So, once I did three chapters, these characters were ALIVE in my head.  I wanted to do the rest of the book.  BUT I’d sent it in, wait for … well, in one case eight years.

The problem is by the time the book sold, I was in the middle of something else and frankly, not the same person.  (This is something to talk about another time.  I feel the same way about interrupted series, like the Shifters or even the musketeer mysteries.  I’m simply not the same writer I was – which btw, gives a very odd sense of having died and being someone else.)

Wrenching your mind back to this long abandoned novel was the HARDEST part of being a writer.

That stress is gone, thank heavens.  The fear that someone in NYC would decide to do something goofy with a book and make it impossible for me to sell again even to Baen is gone too.

So – why am I now suffering stress maladies?

Well – there’s been the money thing with both boys in college.  We sort of expected it, only by now I was supposed to be a bestseller (ah!), and there’s other stuff, including the fact we have too much house for us in many ways, including keeping it clean.  This will be taken care of, but there’s work and change on the way there you know, and that’s always difficult.

And truly, we ARE dealing with stuff, and it’s getting better.

So I’m going to guess this year is the equivalent of the “book flu” – it used to be if I had a difficult book to do, and I had to push myself, I’d get “book flu” when I finished.  I.e. I’d spend a week on the sofa, not feeing “quite well.”

But if this is that “book flu” it’s writ very large indeed, as the pressure of stress from this career was at a high peak for something like seven years…

Normally what I did to de-stress from finishing a book was to sit on the sofa for a week eating rocky road ice cream and watching silly rom coms.

I don’t think that will cut it.  For one, I can’t eat rocky road ice cream :-P but for another, really it never completely eliminated the stress, it just got me back to sort of functioning.

My idea right now is to finish the Baen books hopefully by the week before Christmas.  Dan is taking two weeks off around then, because there’s so many holidays he can take two weeks at very little vacation expense.  A friend suggested I do two weeks of guest and other posts – I’m not sure about that, as I enjoy this blog probably more than you guys do – but I might do a bunch of posts scheduled ahead.

But here’s the thing – how does one de-stress?  How does one stop worrying or thinking about what needs to be done?  We used to take three days in Denver, when the kids were smaller.  Dan used to drag me off and not let me take the laptop, but by the 3rd day, I was desperate to write and started feeling guilty that I wasn’t.

The times I’ve not thought about writing are while doing something else: art or sewing or something like that.  The last “real” vacation I took was three years ago when I took the two weeks over Christmas and did a bunch of remodeling around the house. It helped – I’d become so depressed I couldn’t THINK – but this time, being that I’ve been sick, I’d rather not do violent effort, let alone paint fumes in a closed house in winter.  (And by violent effort I don’t mean exercise.  I mean keep going long after you’re ready to drop, because you have a time table for the remodeling.)

What do you guys suggest?  Right now I’m thinking two weeks off, I do a bunch of reading and staying late in bed and hopefully cook ahead so I don’t have to worry about meals on vacation (going out to eat every meal is NOT an option with four people.)  Play with the cats. Take walks with the boys (supposing our winter wonderland is not too bad,) go see the lights at the zoo and go bug the art museum.

Will that be enough to get me back on an even keel, after years of stress?

Of course, to earn even that, I have these books to finish, but what do you think?  Is it even worth taking time off, or will it just add to the “things undone” tab?

I need to do something because I can’t afford to lose weeks to being out of it.  On the other hand I have never done anything like this (and I’ve never had the pressure let off after being stressed for so many years) so I don’t know how to approach it.

Comments?  Hisses and boos?  Rotten tomatoes?  What say you?

147 thoughts on “Stress Test”

      1. Play with your dog. My husband is under uber stress right now. He’s working 18 hour shifts 7 days a week. We can’t go home until mid Dec. if we’re lucky. He says that if I and the puppy weren’t here, he’d go nuts.

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  2. If you want to come to Tennessee, Dot and I will make plans to entertain you for the week following Christmas. Alternatively, I can send her out there to drive you Dot-ty . . .

    ;-)

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    1. LOL. Older son said I needed that. “What we need is for Dorothy to move nearby and organize you, mum.”
      But that week is our anniversary and New Years, and I’m hoping Dan and I ditch the boys and get some… ahem… quality time.

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      1. Not to be crude about it, but it is a known fact that “quality time” with someone you love is a great stress reliever, if only temporarily.

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      2. Maybe you two could go to a hotel, and you could have Dot over to organize while you’re gone! Mwahaha….

        Of course, the problem with this is that somebody else organizing your stuff might be stressful.

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    2. Make it a real road-trip and end up out here on the coast for a bit. It is awfully near the Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy, but still. We can duck into Virginia and shoot off some firearms “illegal” in the great state of insanity Maryland. We know people.

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      1. Come to TX for a visit, free room and board included if the boys don’t mind doing the sleeping bag thing. We have a couch and a recliner in the living room but I don’t know if the boys’ll fit.

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  3. Make an appointment with a really good massage therapist for a full body massage (with hot stones, if you can get it). When I broke my leg & was working retail & dealing with son stress & house stress & spouse stress, that was the one thing I did that really helped. Of course, mine was done by a lady with whom I went to high school, so there was a bit of a connection, which meant I didn’t have to feel totally awkward around a stranger.

    It’s a concept, I throw it out.

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  4. I remember when I started to write a lot, I ran into a book called “Walking in this World.” The author suggested that we needed some time off to be able to fill the “well of words.”

    You might need one day off a week. Don’t work. I used to walk or play with the neighbor cats and dogs. The thing is de-stressing is different for each person. Some people de-stress by running marathons. Nowadays my body just collapses when I do too much and I have days if I push too hard which ends up that I have to spend the next day in bed. ;-)

    A thought slipped through my mind and I couldn’t catch it fast enough. *sigh. Oh yea– being stressed is a habit like anything else. It will take some time to get out of the habit of stressing.

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          1. We did a full clean of the apartment (down to the corners) last month. Yep, it took me a month *sigh. There are still corners that I couldn’t get too and shredding to do. So not a de-stressor although I can breath better —

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          3. This is somewhat presumptuous, as we’ve never met in person; but, a thought, from a line in your post: Do something totally different outside the home that is NOT an obligation – (different visuals & environment makes a separation from the stressors and stressor-habits). E.g. a one-day try-a-different-art-medium project, or … something that – as you said – you don’t think about writing while you’re doing it. Maybe one day – maybe a couple – but short enough that 1) you don’t get to feeling guilty, and 2) you can rinse & repeat regularly. Time to exercise less-used talents and mental pathways, and let the overused ones rest.

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    3. “. The thing is de-stressing is different for each person. Some people de-stress by running marathons. ”

      I believe it is the combination of mindless physical exertion and achieving a goal/established end point, that causes such things as marathons to be great destressors for some people. While I’ve never ran an official marathon (had several people wanting me to run the Seattle marathon with them this year, but I was busy and really don’t want to travel to the Westside unless absolutely necessary) I find that hard physical exertion works well for me. Obviously health and fitness play a role in both what is achievable and distressing for each individual. I suspect more people would find preparing for and anticipating running a marathon stress inducing than would find it stress relieving. On the other hand you might find an hour at the gym, or walking half again as far as you normally do reduces stress. Or alternatively a non physically demanding stroll or scenic drive looking at the scenery might do it for you. As stated everyone is different, but for the physically healthy people I suspect more find physical activity a destressor than otherwise.

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  5. “How does one distress”?

    Make bad jokes about somebody’s spelling? [Evil Grin]

    As for “de-stressing” (not sure if that’s a word) or releasing stress, I’m not sure as stress is a big problem for me as well.

    Take care.

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      1. Snicker. I’ve never been able to look at “distressed-finish” furniture without giggling after watching the episode of Red Green where the guy on parole distresses a table (using the same techniques that got him in goal in the first place!)

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            2. Yes, I meant gaol AKA the county bed-n-breakfast, AKA the Graybar Hotel. If I’m ever left alone with the “geeeenius” who devised autocorrect (and his/her/its cousin who does the spell-check for Word), well, I’ll need a little help with the air-tight seal on my alibi.

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              1. TX, take ’em for half a plane ride… 8^) If you do it over the right spot, no one (except the coyotes) will ever find the bodies.

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              2. Call your friendly neighborhood physical anthropologist? *grin*

                “Haven’t seen that fellow. Oh, he’s missing? Poor soul.”

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  6. Your problem is semantic: you don’t want to distress (that means more stress – English, you gotta love it). ‘Damsel in distress’ means she’s in peril – as you are.

    What you WANT to do is de-stress. Remove stress. Get rid of it. Relax. Go with the flow. Stop worrying…

    And you can’t, not with kids in college, and cats, and a husband (I’m sure he’s lovely – and NOT having a husband is another kind of stress), and a life, and a career.

    There is a stress list somewhere out there on the webs. You can calculate your stress level – so many points for a divorce, a death in the family, etc. ‘Good’ stress – such as marrying off a kid – is still stress, and gets lots of points.

    My guess is that if you did this, you would be WAY over the safe limit of about 100 points. Just from your posts, my guess would be more like 300.

    Which means you’re a sitting target: your system is too compromised to handle MORE stress, and yet more stress comes.

    Yoga, meditation, naps – all help. But the thing that helps the most is to know where you are on that curve, and be very very careful with 1) allowing more stress, 2) taking care of yourself.

    Oh, and I think there are more stress points the longer any of these stressors hangs around.

    I don’t know how to help – I’d dump mine if I could – but knowing makes you feel a bit more in control – and helps when it’s necessary to say ‘NO.’ Like knowing your BP or your cholesterol level or your weight, it does help to be conscious of it.

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    1. Not semantic. Word “fixed” the word for me, since destress doesn’t exist.

      I’m wondering if just having a vacation with fewer “do” things and more “stay in bed and read” would help…

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          1. In Firefox, it’s Tools…Options, then click the.Advanced tab, and uncheck the “Check my spelling as I type” checkbox.

            In Chrome, paste chrome://settings/ in your address bar, then click “Show Advanced Settings”, then click the Language and Input Settings button, and uncheck the “Enable Spell Checking” box.

            If working in MS Word, it’s best to look it up in Help for the version you’re using.

            And if you’re using a smartphone, it might be doing spellcheck, too, but you should be able to find out how to turn that off with a search.

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          1. The traffic’s not bad, but finding places with low-carb food and clean restrooms compatible with human anatomy is a real challenge.

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  7. JA Konrath just had a post that is sort of relevant. Two points look helpful

    http://jakonrath.blogspot.com.au/2013/11/zen-and-art-of-bitching.html
    2. Celebrate reaching goals.
    4. Stop trying to do everything.

    Maybe for vacation limit what you’re trying to accomplish. Say, blog here, MGC and PJM only if you feel like it, do some art, do some light cleaning, tell the guys to cook and wash dishes.

    You know, you’re doing something like 9 or 10 nonfiction articles a week in addition to the fiction you’re trying to finish. If it’s not helping you with either cash or jumpstarting your fiction brain, that could be a place to cut back. I love the discussions here but if it’s getting in the way of your health and your books, I can live without the extra posts.

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  8. When I need to de-stress, I either retreat into my man cave, or I go hiking.

    Do you have a she-cave to retreat to? Or is that where you are presently meeting the stress face-to-face?

    Another de-stressor for me is a vigorous turn on the treadmill while watching very bad science fiction. This week it was Journey to the Far Side of the Sun (how did we manage not to notice the gravitation and radio signature from the duplicate Earth for so long?) and Omega Man (Charlton Heston has done an astonishing spectrum of fairly good to really dreadful films, hasn’t he?)

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        1. Bad enough when I miss other people’s double-entendres, but when I miss my own … Well, at least the onset of senility means I’ll be meeting new people every day.

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        2. Sounds better than a woman-cave. Personally I don’t exile my husband. But he does retreat to his office on occasion.

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    2. “(how did we manage not to notice the gravitation and radio signature from the duplicate Earth for so long?) ”

      It was on the other side of the sun. Duh! ;-)

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          1. I feel no compunction about spoiling an ending that is totally illogical and unfair (Planet of the Apes) or horrible depressing and nasty (Robin and Marion.) I think people deserve a warning.

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    3. The worst SF movie of all, staring dear old Chuck, is expensive and rather well-directed. “Planet of the Apes.” He didn’t learn the ape language, and we then hear the ape language as English. They were always speaking English, he just didn’t grasp what this meant. No mistake, the sequel reinforced that point strongly. Why didn’t they notice the moon in the sky? The moon is no longer in the sky. No explanation. Why don’t they notice that the stars in the sky are in the constellations as seen from Earth? An overcast of cloud covers the sky every night from dusk to dawn, and the sky during the day is the cloudless sky of the California desert where it was filmed. Fun to watch though. I like both Omega Man and Soylent Green, by the way.

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      1. And how did the starship turn itself around and go back to Earth? And surely the sun of the planet they were going to didn’t perfectly match Sol. And all the plants are identical to Earth… it is fun for a smart kid to spot all these details.

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      2. The worst science fiction Movie of all time was Nightfall (1988). Didn’t have Chuck, but it one of the few I have walked out of. What they did to Asimov’s story was criminal. An then there was Starship Troopers.

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        1. Actually, the worst science fiction movie of all times was “When Worlds Collide”, made by the Brits in 1952, IIRC. It was so bad it became a cult classic.

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          1. Do you count shoestring budget movies? Because “Project Nightmare” was worse, but I don’t know if it would qualify to be in the same league, even with “When Worlds Collide”. It was too bad even to make it to cult classic level. Including displaying a computer screen (the computer controlled the induced hallucination machine that created the nightmares) that was easily identified as a Commodore 64 with a BASIC program scrolling up the screen.

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  9. I suspect you’ve swapped one stress for another.

    Oh sure, you don’t have to hide your politics in a cave anymore, but being out and exposed from all directions isn’t much less stressful. Oh sure, you don’t have to set stories aside before you write them. But you also aren’t getting the go ahead from the sources you have habitually been waiting for. You have to decide for yourself if an idea is good, or if you should just go on to the next.

    I suspect that you will adapt to the new work situation, and that will be a major de-stress. The boys will finish college, and that will be a major de-stress. Finish fixing the house, another. Selling the house, a huge one.

    And when you move, please try for a safe neighborhood, where you can walk safely. Even after dark.

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    1. I have to agree with Pam. Some stuff is long term stress and unavoidable and might take long term solutions such as… the boys finishing college, fixing and selling the house, the economy improving – and not just your own personal economy either. If you know what the long term stress was and it’s gone or much reduced and you’re stuck wondering why you don’t feel better… I’m not one to suggest drugs, but my sister said something a bit interesting, which was that she absorbs the moods and stress of those around her and couldn’t shake it off because feeling as she did became a habit and taking an anti-anxiety med for a short while allowed her to re-set to a new normal.

      A change of scenery might do something similar, or not. I love going places and went for long visits “home” with the kids when they were young and that was wonderful, but when I got back home again to my own place and my usual situation I’d feel even worse.

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  11. BTW– we need stress to function so you can’t really completely get rid of stress. So think of a daily way to reduce stress for an hour a day or something. Or not.

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  12. Here’s a thought: take a few hours, or a day, or however long it takes, and write down everything you see causing you stress, big, little, and in between. Freeform stream of consciousness kind of thing, just get them all down on a page. Once done, take three new pages of paper and sort into three categories: things you’re already working on, the looming boogiemen beyond your control, and lastly those elements of stress that are essential to your quality of life and that already produce payback.
    First element would be things like your career which you are already working on.
    Second is major stuff you really cannot control like the economy and political situation. Yes, you can position yourself and the family to mitigate the effects and speak out in the blogs on the situations, but your ability to change the overall condition is limited.
    Last element is stuff like Dan and the boys, necessary and mostly welcome since they’re all still alive, and trivial things like cleaning house, stressful in the doing but with immediate reward.
    As a last step sort each list by importance to you. Then sort again by ease of completion.
    Now, having done all that, sit back with a cuppa and look at the pile of paper. If nothing else you should feel a bit more in control of your life. You might even consider prioritizing your activities based on the risk/reward/effort rankings.

    If you finish feeling no better than when you started, then my only other suggestion is sex, drugs, and rock and roll in massive quantities. After all look at all the celebrities that route has helped.

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    1. This. Then CHOOSE to put away those things you can’t control, can’t influence, are fairly low risk, are not all that important in the long run, etc. I know it’s hard, but choose not to give them your attention. It can take some weight off the mind.

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      1. Yes! Exactly!
        You must focus on the doable that will make an appreciable difference and let all the bumf slide away into the dustbin.
        Our fine young Portagee is being eaten alive and it’s time to separate the gnats from the weasels. You brush off the one and wring the bloody necks of the other.

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  13. I used to work in the high stress live event production field. We’d push hard for as long as it took to get the show done. Then, I’d have the same “book flu” when we finished. Your body can and will burn reserves and get you thru the massive effort, but you’ve robbed Peter, and then you MUST pay Paul. And then the collapse comes. For me, the thing that made it doable was KNOWING THERE WAS AN END and I would be able to collapse and recover.

    When I switched jobs, my new environment had me ALWAYS in that crazy deadline week. It never ended; going from one high stress project directly to the next. I found that the constant high level eventually robbed Peter of everything he had, and I never had the time to build up enough reserve to pay Paul completely either. Which leads to always being sick and tired. Eventually I recognized that I was going to have to stop, and let the collapse come, and stay there long enough to really recover. It took a long time. I should never have let it get that bad.

    So, what worked for me all those years, and then eventually after years of different self abuse, was— allow the time for the complete collapse. And allow for the recovery. Don’t do anything. Sleep until you can’t sleep any longer. Lay around in whatever zero effort activity comforts you (for me it is rereading something familiar- like the entire Dragonriders series.) Let your brain and body go completely to mush. Then allow yourself to rebuild both to your normal level of function and awareness. For it to really work, you have to commit to it. No guilt, second thoughts, or “I really should be doing…”

    It’s selfish (everyone needs to leave you to it and feed you when you’re hungry). It’s expensive (you have to be totally non-productive). It’s completely necessary.

    If you don’t do it (recharge and recover) you will lose your health and productivity, and your income, and you will wear out your most cherished relationships too.

    Anyway, that’s what worked for me. Whatever you decide to do, commit fully to it. If you need a week in a motel (or friend’s house) alone with books, two weeks in pajamas on the couch reading, or (perversely) scrubbing every inch of the house from top to bottom; commit and DO it.

    You owe it to yourself and your family to get back in shape. (not us, you don’t owe your readers, and besides, we want you back in top form and will wait :-) )

    zuk

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    1. Here I was, planning to reply, and “zuk” went ahead and said everything I was going to say. You have a whole list of things you might do to relax from work, all of which are just different forms of work.

      What do _I_ do when the stress of work gets to me and the standard de-stress options aren’t cutting it? Well…um…I…well…

      OK, OK…I _write_. But then, _I_ am not a professional writer. Writing isn’t _my_ work. It is unlikely that I’ll ever be paid a cent for any of it, and even if I do eventually sell some of it, the odds of making enough to even be noticeable (relative to my regular job — and therefore worthy of the title of “my work”) are significantly exceeded by the odds of me winning the lottery and founding Hoytopia down on that Chilean island that folks in the Facebook group were talking about. So if the stuff I write trails off pointlessly in the middle and goes nowhere, either because I’ve painted myself into a corner or because I’m just not feeling it anymore…who cares? Chances are nobody was going to read it anyway. It was just for me, and if it sucks as fiction (which it usually does), then it’s still awesome at stress-relief, which was its only real purpose anyway.

      So, therein lies the root of a proper suggestion: find something you enjoy, or think you might enjoy, which offers _no realistic chance_ of ever being “productive” in any sense whatsoever. Any activity that produces results that you might be tempted to evaluate for quality is a _bad_ choice. “Sitting on the couch watching rom-coms and eating ice cream” probably isn’t a great choice either, especially if the ice cream is key to the experience for you and you can’t eat it anymore…but it’s a good example of the kind of mentality to shoot for, when considering options.

      Learn to distinguish “I should X” from “I want to X” in your mind. As long as you’re still saying “I should” to yourself, avoid doing X, because you’re still stressed and won’t help yourself by doing more work. Once you get a genuine “I want to”…well, that’s the moment to go back to work.

      Good luck.

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    2. Zuk is exactly right. I was going to point out that you relaxing by doing other productive things isn’t really de-stressing. It’s just focusing on different stressor. Take some time to focus on you, on things that are relaxing that you enjoy, and set everything else aside. We’ll still be here when you get back. (At least I will. You may lose a troll or two, and who says that’s bad?)

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  14. You mean rocky road ice cream and rom coms aren’t cutting it? Geez!

    I’m still looking for a good way to de-stress. For me, a lot of that has to do with my spiritual practice, and some exercise. When I get exercise, I feel better. And time spent with a good book is also a huge help. And a comedy. I remember when I was near the end of my freshman year, Steve Martin and Rick Moranis in “My Blue Heaven” pulled me out of a bad funk.

    But the thing that I think helps me the most is, oddly enough, giving service to someone else. Tight as things are for you guys, I’d still wager that there’s someone around you that could use some kind of service. There’s just something about helping someone else (better if you can do it anonymously) that relieves stress for me in a remarkable way. Doesn’t have to be big, don’t let it add a lot of extra pressure, don’t overcommit. But helping other people eases my own mind and relieves my own stress in a way that few other things can.

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  15. What does one do to distress?

    I was going to start with a joke about the answer being sex, but on reflection, well, at least for one of the convex persuasion, stress tends to reduce both ability and desire (can’t speak for the concave half of the population, not being so wired).

    Then I was going to use the Arnie response from Red Heat but, well, I don’t drink.

    And of course there’s always “What would Thor do?” (Thor would hit it with a hammer.) But to be honest, that’s not very practical in most stress-causing situations.

    So I guess I’m left with serious answers.

    I have several ways to deal with stress.

    The first is physical exercise. Sometimes this is a hard one to get moving on but I find it very effective for dealing with emotional stresses, especially if the exercise is of a “violent” nature. (High on my list of things to get is a freestanding punching bag.) Maybe that’s more a “guy thing” (or maybe not) but hitting something or chopping wood, or working pells with a training sword is very cathartic.

    The second is reading, particularly “old friends” books. Have Space Suit, Will Travel or Barsoom or Dray Prescott or The Ring of Allaire. I may have to force myself the first few pages, but once I get into the story it provides a “sink” to drain out some of the stress.

    The third is simply playing with my dogs. Their simple, wholehearted joy in just playing is very therapeutic.

    Don’t know if any of that helps, but there you are; how I deal with stress (when I don’t just sit and wallow in it).

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    1. Heh. Nailed one of my old stress relievers- chopping wood for the stove. This is one reason why I want to get my fireplaces back up to snuff. The atavistic pleasure of stress relief by physical exercise and burning things is right up there with breaking things and shooting things for stress relief for me.

      Other than working the stress away on mindless tasks, accomplishment does good things for the stress level. Set a goal ( a *little* one!) and get it done. For me, it’s things like fixing that annoying squeak in my driver’s side window, or repainting the walls, or something like that (yes, these are odd fixes for the issue).

      Okay, something that seems less like work. *chuckle* Not cooking, cleaning, or dangerous things… Flirting shamelessly with attractive members of the opposite sex- who often claim I’ve got it wrong, *they’re* the sex and I’m the opposite (contrarian creatures!) works, too. I’ve a friend who swears by screaming at trains- loud, noisy ones in the deep dark of night, that is.

      Not getting drunk, not punching things… Driving fast on a curvy road helps, too- music blasting things sure to annoy anyone younger, older, or more normal than me. Taking pictures this time of year (fall rocks!) is good, too, and different. At least for me it is. Calling up an old friend and jawing about this and that and did you hear what so-and-so did? Madness! Also good.

      Not dancing in the rain (cold this time of year, and I’m not getting any younger), nor climbing trees… Reading Lewis Carroll aloud can be good. Laughter is great medicine, so read, watch, listen, and act out the funny things (even the punny things, if your bent that way). Sit in on a few public court cases early in the day- these can be educational and entertaining, at least here in my little mountains (the story of THE Pink Floyd gets re-told every Christmas around here). A keen appreciation for the ridiculous will take you far, if you hand it the keys and cover your eyes.

      Hm. Sex has been mentioned (and is worth mentioning). A guilty pleasure of mine happens to be the fact that there are all these people who are known to me or more often my friends whose lives will never be soap operas because the things they get up to stretch the bounds of believability (fiction has to make *sense,* more or less). My life seems downright happy by comparison.

      Also, misreading what other people type. I read zuk’s “scrubbing the house from top to bottom” and “scribbling the house from top to bottom” and thought there’s no way *other* people write on the walls like that. *chuckle*

      Take care, good lady. Bad as it may seem now, this wobbly stepping stone will be past soon enough. Hope you get the relaxation you are hoping for. *grin*

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  16. *hugs* I had my first ever panic attack last week, with several much less severe ones this weekend. And then the doc gave me a massive spook (I’m fine, normal variant, but yeah, thanks for seeing just how fast my blood pressure can go from normal to breaks-the-gauge). Sometimes G-d uses a sledgehammer to get me to quit worrying and to step back.

    I relax by reading history unrelated to what I’m supposed to be reading, or sci-fi/ fantasy unrelated to what I’m supposed to be reading, writing battle scenes, hiking, and cooking. Many, many carrots and peppers have died by my blade during final exams. :) I’d vote for the two weeks of quiet, zoo-peeping, walking, and time with your spouse.

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  17. I de-stress by doing something, even briefly, that demands I commit my full attention to it. My brain sabotages me by worrying, otherwise. Things that require complete focus: horseback riding (dressage. on 9-11, I rode. Otherwise I felt I would go crazy). Boxing. Using pickaxe and machete on the blackberries. Anything involving a crowbar and sledgehammer. (And, strangely enough, a really really REALLY stupid game on my Kindle (MinionRush. I am so ashamed… but it works!)

    My advice would be a) work out your new Worry Triage System as suggested above, then b) let brain splash around in the wading pool for a few days (I don’t think you will be able to go cold turkey just yet, so don’t push it) and then c) implement a) .

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    1. Sabrina, I use motorcycling (don’t like horses, they give me allergy attacks). Maybe we should sign Sarah up for motorcycle safety course…..

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            1. we got an upcoming session to Louie Mueller’s in Taylor on the 7th.Good food and rides with good people. Best therapy there is! :-)

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    2. Target shooting is great for this. you have to concentrate, then when you’re done, you realize how relaxed you’re feeling. Well, at least for us, that’s how it works.

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      1. A friend uses copies of federal and university forms on her archery targets. Says it improves her mood greatly.

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      2. Once upon a time, I was working a high stress job trying to juggle 3 60-hour-per-week jobs (NOC Manager for my employer, acting IT Director and acting Security Officer for a hospital that was a client). Walked in to the bull-pen where my friends’ cubes were in late one afternoon after being on-site at the hospital (an hour drive away) since 1:30 that morning (and I was running on about 2 hours sleep in the previous 60), and nearly had my head taken off for asking how things were going. They, too, were a bit stressed. After I told them to shut up, I told them to get their shotguns after work, we were going to the trap range. Spent two hours on the range that evening with the guys. Everybody was laughing and smiling by the time we left. The next day was one of the best and most productive days we’d had in a long time.

        Also explains why I’m feeling the way I am…my students have been doing all the shooting this year. I bet I haven’t put even 200 rounds down range this year!

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      3. Proper technique for shooting is also good technique for relaxing. It can be done on the cheap, taking 10-30 minutes at a time. I do it on the cheap, with air guns. I also enjoy archery, and a simple little fiberglass bow is cheap and easy to shoot. Target shooting sessions are never remembered, but they change my perspective stressors.

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      4. Recall once upon a time hearing of an indoor range owner who allowed folks to bring in any object they wanted for target practice as long as it was not and never had been alive. Except for poodles, the man had a real aversion to those French dust mops.
        I understand they saw a lot of electronic devices and office equipment being reduced to its native components through the application of kinetic energy devices.

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        1. Many years ago, a friend was living on a boat in Marina Del Rey. He and his other boat-dwelling friends did an annual BBQ that was advertised throughout the marina as the “Annual Poodle Shoot and BBQ” on the flyer. Complete with rules and scoring.

          A neighbor passing by, seeing the rack of ribs on the BBQ, screamed thinking it was actually a poodle.

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    3. Sabrina, about your comment that you used boxing to relieve stress: I used to spend a half-hour on the punching bag when I was really, REALLY stressed in high school, and would try to do the same if I was terribly stressed other times. A bag focuses your attention, lets you work out any anger and frustration you might feel, and if you have a particular target, will give you a legal way to relieve that particular stress. Can’t do that any more, but it worked while I could. Good recommendation!

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      1. Yes, it has been a long time since I had one, but pounding on a punching bag is great stress relief; maybe not as good as pounding on somebody, but then it doesn’t create future stressors such as assault charges.

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  19. Turn off the computer, turn off the phone, and go hiking in the woods (or beach, but woods are probably easier where you are!) with loved ones. Talk about things you love, talk about future dreams, talk about goals coming closer. Eat a good picnic on a beautiful overlook.
    There is plenty of evidence that stress impacts your immune system, and from your posts, it’s time for you to take that seriously.

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  20. For me it’s either reading a book (which may be a little different for a writer) or playing some video games. Seriously, jumping onto a friend’s Minecraft server for an hour or blowing up some rockets in Kerbal Space Program can be a great way to detach from the worries of the day. Another thing I always did in college was to not do any school work on Sunday, and I did that (…wait for it) pretty religiously (rimshot). Went out to my friends’ ranch and hiked around, helped cook dinner for everyone, played card games.

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    1. Games. Fallout 3. Nothing like wandering around in a blasted wilderness, not bothering anyone except the occasional yao guai and radscorpion, and then slaughtering anyone who decides you’re a good target…

      (Yeah, I’ve got low standards. But I don’t shoot until they do.)

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  21. Immediately read John Malloy’s How to Work the Opposition Into the Ground and Have Fun Doing It – Read If this goes on…. both as a comfort read and for the condensed wisdom on stress and overwork.

    Talk to any friend or acquaintance in a 12 step program about doing a 4th Step inventory and then do it (don’t have to do anything with the other steps or attend any meetings but there are groups that are in a continuous 4th step). AlAnon has had some very good books on the 4th step. Internalize that the object is not to beat yourself up for failings but to bring out things that might have been repressed.

    One of the older blue cover Alanon 4th step books asked Have you been to the dentist lately? Myself I took this to mean both am I in fear of the dentist? or going to the dentist? or know I should but I don’t? Or am I in fear of doing something for myself? and also to remind me of the airplane oxygen rule – if you don’t take care of yourself you can’t take care of anyone else – and also a reminder that it’s no savings on transportation to put off changing the oil in the car that’s necessary to work – but folks like nations don’t keep the infrastructure up. Maybe a Roomba and HEPA filters will keep a house cleaner for better health.

    Take another look at the Daytimer/Franklin systems of planning and prioritizing. Charles Hobbs and the older Daytimer system is better than Hyrum Smith and the later Franklin derivative system (story goes that Hyrum Smith went to Hobbs and said we could get rich doing this if we only this and that and Charles Hobbs said his own goal was to teach – getting rich was not on his list of things to do. Nothing wrong with Hyrum Smith and Stephen Covey but it’s a little much for folks not raised in the system. When keeping a journal is a religious obligation that changes some things and simplifies others. This is not a process to be graded it’s an effort to avoid worry and indecision by having a plan.

    Emphasize mini-vacations that stretch the sense of time. Avoid where did the time go? activities. Driving to Denver for a meal at Pete’s is covering familiar terrain in a familiar manner. Strive for something that inspires total awareness and yet keeps the focus in the present so that by the end of the day the morning seems far far in the past. Borrow a shotgun – and a guide if available – and go pheasant hunting on the walk in public access land east. Carrying a loaded gun should help stretch the sense of time so that by the end of the day morning seems a long time away. Trains the eye and all the things the Founding Fathers really did have to say about making the gun a companion of your walks. Better to harvest a bird or two but there’s no obligation to do any fancy cooking just put a feather in your cap. If the only shots are at clay birds or throw a pop can in the air that’s perfectly OK.

    Take a look at roads and weather but consider – if it’s a new experience – heading towards Woodland Park and cutting north on gravel roads like Ridge Road – again weather and vehicle permitting – then following the South Platte around and end up at the Bucksnort Saloon (google it for open hours) then from Pine either cut south on paved roads and get home from west to east or from Pine go north to Pine Junction and down 285 north towards Denver around 407 to Santa Fe to Sedalia and down 105 and so home or reverse or vary. In known good weather stay on gravel roads up and back. If familiar with the Bucksnort do something equally different to get out and see new things and places. I like to take people who haven’t been or haven’t been often over Guanella Pass and ride the George Town Loop but that’s very much a seasonal thing. At the end of the day the idea is to have a sense of distance from the routine.

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  22. A couple of ideas for your “vacation time” One, go visit someone you want/need to see for a couple of days or a week. Caveat do not visit the crazy aunt that you “must” see because she is dying but whom you cannot stand. (Yes it might be someone other than an aunt but we all have those sort of family obligations) Two Whether you go visit or stay home the entire time kick the boys out of the house for three days, tell them to go watch Korean soap operas or something. Spend those three days with your husband concentrating on each other. (get your minds out of the gutter folks, the sex would happen or not anyway, I am talking about time to just be together) Three Take one day or evening to pamper yourself, whether it be a loooong hot bath or reading treasured old Donald Duck comics. Something you enjoy that has nothing to do with your life or family or future, just luxuriating.

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  23. This may sound like left field, especially coming from someone like me, but you should take a yoga class, and learn trancendental meditation. When I was younger I fell in with a hippy corwd, and both of those disciplines allow me to de-stress. I still do TM before dentist appointments and job interviews and the like. For me it works.

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    1. Rosary Army also has a very nice “Scriptural Rosary”– they read scripture about the decade you’re meditating on.

      It’s so awesome that I went through Portland Traffic without cussing under my breath, and over Mt. Hood in the snow without freaking out. (got scared a few times, but that’s just sanity and physics)

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  24. Here’s what I would do Sarah. Actually, here’s what I did yesterday. I needed it and it sounds like you do too.

    Find a way to get the house to yourself. Send the boys off to the library to study, or to the zoo or the museum or to build a bomb or something. Tell Dan to go to work. He probably will be anyway so that part should be easy. Sleep in late. Take a long shower. Once out of the shower put your comfiest set of pajamas on.

    For me, I have to find one low intensity PRODUCTIVE activity so I don’t stress about not accomplishing anything. Yesterday, I took about six hours to do two loads of laundry. See, I was busy PLAYING and I’ll be damned if I was going to interrupt my play for some stinking laundry, but hey I had to break to go to the bathroom/handle biological necessities and it only took me an extra minute or two to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer and hey, I can fold laundry while watching TV (a rarity for me. I work 70-80 hours a week and usually spend my time off with my kids or asleep. Or writing, but honestly, I sleep more than I write.)

    Other than the laundry I accomplished NOTHING. Not. One. Damn. Thing. This is most likely because I made no effort to. The only thing I did because I needed to was making dinner and for me that’s a stop outside of the ordinary because I work in a restaurant for my second gig and usually eat there so it was kind of a treat to add heat to meat and watch it change colors. That’s about the extent of my cooking skills.

    Then my girlfriend came over and we watched a movie. Then she went home and I went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks and ready to face the day. I’m actually trying to figure out if I can sneak another one of these in on Thanksgiving but I’ll probably get dragged off somewhere for a celebration or something. I’m damn sure taking another one in January when my vacation pay cycle starts over and I have some time to take. I’m going to try to take one every 2-3 months and I think that’s the key.

    YMMV Sarah, and if so then do things your way, but rather than letting it build up for years at a time you might just want to take a day every month or two to smell the flowers/go for a drive/ watch your favorite movie, etc. None of us have the luxury of doing things like this on a daily basis but decompressing (as I call it) is necessary sometimes. Doing it on a semi-regular basis is probably the best way to retain your sanity. It’s what works for me.

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  25. Pretty much everything’s been mentioned, but you *did* ask how we de-stress, so….

    For me, it used to be running. Long distances, pounding the pavement and knocking hills back like sailors in a liberty port bar (yeah, I was/am psychotic enough to actually seek out hilly routes to run). Just turn off the braincell, and jog. Got a lot of thinking done, or I’d just flip on the little Sony walkman (yep, dating myself) and play a tape or listen to the radio.

    Hiking. Hit the trails! Even if its a place you’ve been before, there are always new things you’ll see if you just take the time to stop and look. Find new trails in your area, too.

    Photography. This ties directly in with the above point, and for mostly the same reasons.

    Shooting. Paper targets, steel plates, bales of hay, firearm or archery, blowgun or bb gun or slingshot (wrist-rocket?), there’s quite a bit of stress relief that comes with operating a firearm or bow. If you haven’t ever shot before, find a friend who owns guns/bows (trust me, you’ve got some, whether they openly talk about it or not) and have them take you to the range and walk you through the basics and safety. My wife was rabidly anti-gun for the first 7 years of our marriage, didn’t even want my airsoft rifle in the house. Then we went to the range with my brother and sister-n-law. Now she owns more guns than I do, and I cherish our range time together.

    Sex. Self-explanatory (exploratory?). ‘Nuff said.

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  26. I had a job once that nearly killed me. I worked about 60 hours a week, but my shifts rotated every single day. After 2 1/2 years, I was wiped out, physically empty, and mentally exhausted. It took changing jobs, getting on a schedule, and accomplishing something to relieve my stress.

    One thing that hasn’t been mentioned here, and I think it should, is your physical health. Have you had a thyroid function in the last two years? My wife collapsed when we were in Germany the second time, and it was because her thyroid quit functioning (an aside — stress can literally KILL the thyroid gland). Make sure your doctor checks both T3 and T4, and if the levels aren’t right, prescribes for BOTH of them.

    One of the things that has helped me de-stress over the years is my hobby. Without it, I would have gone crazy several times. Also, talking things out with someone else (or just plain talking) can help. I’m in the phone book and I’m available.

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  28. I like biking and walking. Also I have some favorite movies that are cheap, stupid, and fun, or just fun and interesting: I Walked with a Zombie (good b/w fun!), Lady Iron Monkey (funny and bizarre!), Summer Wars (yay!), Miyazaki feelgood movies, Destroy All Monsters (Gamera loves all little children!), the old b/w Thing from Another World (good!), The Scarlet Pimpernel movie w Anthony Andrews…. oh, scads of them.

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    2. I LOVED Summer Wars. And I always tear up whenever I get to the battle at the end and the kid offers up his account and the message “please protect my family” comes up.
      Curse you, emotionally manipulative writers! And I wish to learn all your ways that I may inflict the same on others!

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  30. Prozac
    Works for me. I have a child that is a very large pain in the ass. Then he had to move in with us because he had an accident and broke his knee cap, and things really went downhill. When I went to my doctor, she said, that’s to much stress and proscribed Prozac. The stress is still there, but, and it’s a bit but, I no longer give a shit.

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  31. According to a stress seminar I once went to, there’s good stress and bad stress. So saying you want to reduce your stress is generally not a good thing. What you really want is some good stress.
    One of the suggestions to determine levels of bad stress is your shoulders. If they’re hunched up, that’s a sign of distress. Loosen them up and you feel better. At least it works for me.

    The previous should have said, big but.

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  33. For the most part, what helps me de-stress changes according to things like season.

    Everyone in the family is “fighting off” something right now (my youngest brother has bronchitis, as it happens), which meant that I just didn’t have the brain to write, so my NaNoWriMo attempt failed (just the effect of trying to write literally every day was going to be an uphill battle regardless so it was stressful on its own to try). So since I made a fairly public attempt at it, seeing the impending failure stressed me out.

    I’ve been removing stress by being productive artistically. I’ve inked four pieces of art for my Patreon project and have about ten new sketches ready to go and probably will get more done tonight because I still kind of feel in that wheelhouse. Been keeping myself company with first “Fact or Faked” (terrible show, but good background noise) and after that was done, Poirot (I find Poirot’s voice and even Hasting’s and Japp’s voices very comforting/pleasant to listen to). I’m not quite as productive as I would be if I were well, but since I haven’t been artistically inclined in months, it feels like flying, almost. And I should have enough backlog now to last me a few months even if I don’t feel like drawing anything. (Which will remove stress from the artistic side of the equation for a few months.)

    In a similar vein is “seeking inspiration” in the sense of filling the well. All of my visual reference books (art books, photo books, costume reference books, illustrated guide books; etc) get pulled out and I paw through them. I’ve actually spent a LOT of time doing that, gathering ideas for the artwork I’m drawing. I have a good ten to fifteen pounds of costuming books (3 books) ready to go with me to bed when I finish online stuff, turn on Poirot, and draw until either my bff gets online from her mum’s house or it’s bedtime. This also works well for when I’m just de-stressing in general. My head is just not THERE for words at all. I just want to take things in.

    Other months, it’s escaping into some genre or another of novels. Usually light fantasy, sometimes mystery, sometimes adventure. Reference reading is rarely escapism reading and is usually only done if I’m researching something in particular or if I don’t have a head for stories.

    Off and on, I get on an electronic gaming kick. The Sims, or some JRPG, or an open-ended game like Harvest Moon. Really, the more open-ended it is, the better. Though a few times it’s been free MMORPGs that I start up, immerse myself for a few days, and then get interested in something else.

    And, of course, there are watching things. When I’m not drawing, I usually don’t watch things I’ve already seen. What I end up watching is usually purely based on mood. Sometimes it’ll be in preparation of something I’m going to write, to get me in the right mindset.

    Rarely, I’ll do light workouts while listening to music. This is usually when the other things aren’t working as escape and I feel frustrated and trapped or angry. This is a different kind of workout from when I’m in one of my, “workout routine” phases – this is directly reactionary to feeling like I’m spinning my wheels and wanting to wear myself down a bit so I’m too tired to maintain my bad mood or want to get out of a negative rut.

    Cleaning sometimes helps, though that’s usually a procrastination reaction or a “this must be done, oh my gosh I am a slob” reaction.

    Hopefully something in here will kickstart ideas for you. Though it seems like a lot of what I shared is stuff you already do.

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  34. Since you ask:

    Seek input from a counselor you respect. If such is not available for whatever reason, seek it in places, online and otherwise, that you do not manage and control.

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    1. It’s not counselor level, gs. It’s affecting my health but it’s the let down that’s affecting my health. I’m looking for ways to relax, not mental health care. This was mostly brought about by external factors.

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  35. … it’s the let down that’s affecting my health.

    Heh. (Note: When I was a child, I was not a good shot-taker): I once got so worked up in the doctor’s office, worrying about how much the shot I was going to get would hurt, that after I got one of the easiest shots ever, I fainted on the way out, from the release of tension (looking back, I’d guess my blood pressure dropped 30 points).

    I have no actual advice for de-stressing, as I don’t know how to do it myself. In the past, I used to do short sleeps for a long time until I got burnt out, then take a day and sleep in all day, but I haven’t been able to get that in over 15 years. Alternatively, I would take a vacation and sleep late every day, but not all day, but haven’t been able to do that since my wife’s breast cancer diagnosis, due to having to use my vacation time for doctor visits. I have to figure out something, because if I can’t get a vacation soon, it’s going to be bad.

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    1. Yeah. It’s not a mental thing — it’s just I was forced to be under serious stress for a long time: I needed the money and the business was what it was. It has built in some aversive behaviors (like to being under contract, which I’m dealing with right now) but I know they’re there, I know where they came from and ain’t nothing a psychologist or counselor will tell me I don’t know.
      I just — it’s like when your hands have been cramped holding something for very long and you don’t feel right letting go.
      I think that people advising total change of scenery are right, just from the effect of weekends away but money and Dan’s job means “not until February” at least for that. So…

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      1. When the hubby and I were working in Panama and would be on-call every third week, I would put some money aside and every three months I would book a hotel room (Marriot in Panama City). We would spend three days sunning and watching TV. Also had air conditioning… we couldn’t afford the electricity for air conditioning in our home. It was a de-stressor for us… Plus at the time we had more money than we do today. But, just a day away or even two days away helped us recharge. (On-call… I used to get called in about 3 a.m. every morning for a week… it was a military contract so a lot of stress).

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  36. When I was under a lot of stress, I used to never get sick …until I took a vacation.

    Then! And it never failed, I’d be flat on my back. For days. Maybe my whole vacation. Vacations just sucked!

    See …I couldn’t “afford” to get sick when I was working so much and so hard and had so many responsibilities, with people counting on me to perform. I just couldn’t. So I didn’t. Get sick I mean. I’d work through it – whatever “it” was – and just accepted it as my being “off”, or a “not quite up to snuff” thing.

    It was kind of a vicious cycle. I got to where I really, really hated vacations lol.

    But the pattern was so weird. And it got me thinking.

    So I came up with a theory that to some extent, our bodies can hold off some kinds of illness until it’s convenient (if you will) for it/us to have time to, well, heal. Or maybe repair might work better conceptually.

    So we made some life decisions, and determined to change life styles (we moved two states away and I changed my remaining client’s performance expectations), which changed things so we could slow down (and me especially). You know: making time for smelling the roses and crap lol.

    We figured we might be able to do with a lot less, and – unsurprisingly, in retrospect – that has turned out to be the case (though in entirely surprising ways lol).

    In a lot of ways, life itself is now a bit of a vacation, due to the diminished stress. 90% of the causes for my previous stress are gone. I still rarely get sick. But now if we have some “official” free time (with even fewer performance expectations), my body doesn’t go into that repair mode.

    I know that not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to make that kind of choice …but would add, neither did we think we could. But we did, regardless. It was in many ways one of those “damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead” kinds of decisions in the end. It just worked out.

    So. I’d suggest that maybe you’ve been putting off the healing time that you need to recuperate during the high stress period, and the symptoms you’re experiencing are just a natural result of the healing you’re body finally has the time to go through now. I don’t have any solution per se beyond that observation, than to suggest that you let it run its course, and not worry about it (if you agree with my theory, lol).

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