Recently in an email exchange, two of you reminded me that happiness is a choice.
Of course, I’ve known that for a long time, perhaps always.
A look around will be enough to verify this. It’s not a matter of how much you have or how perfect or imperfect your life is, but whether you decide to be happy or not.
We all know people who have everything they want and a cherry on top and they still hate their lives, themselves and everything. They get up every morning wishing they were dead and they go to bed even more so. (In fact the unhappy rich has become a truism, partly because it’s true, though only in limited circumstances – and partly because it serves a purpose. It might convince a lot of people they have to be unhappy, too. Who knows?) And we all know people who have horrible miserable lives, but at heart are quite happy.
Being happy is not a matter of what you have, of how hard you work, of what you do or don’t do. Being happy is a choice you make.
No. Stop. Don’t tell me you’ll be happy if only…
I have my own list of if-onlys, mostly relating to making enough money from this writing thing that I can hire someone to do the endless list of other stuff I need to do, including but not limited to house administrivia, cooking, and editing and publishing. Also, that I can write just a smidgeon less so I have time to take, say, Sundays off and sleep late then read in bed. Oh, yeah, enough money to go out to eat on weekends would be nice too, but I might be reaching for the moon.
And I’d like to live nearer the places where they have lunch time lectures I’d like to attend, so that I don’t have to factor in the price of gas before considering a free presentation. And I’d like… you know what I mean.
But that just gives me something to strive for. Right now I’m pretty happy. Hey, I have my husband and kids, a roof over my head and three meals a day. What is there to be unhappy about?
I think the first time I realized how happy I was was when I was lying in bed and expected to die of pneumonia. The room I was in had this BROAD view of the rocky mountains and I wasn’t sleeping well. So I’d lie there and watch the sun come up over the mountains, and realize I’d lived another day, and be happy about it.
I wanted to be out of bed and going to garage sales with the guys, but that was a higher form of happiness, and it could wait.
Still a lot of people are unhappy – and I don’t want to blame them, because it’s not … They don’t view it as a choice.
There are of course obvious circumstances when it isn’t a choice. If something were to happen to my family, I’d be pretty unhappy for a long time and if I ever found happiness again it would be a happiness of small things: of cats on lap, of doing a task. Of not thinking beyond that.
But if you’re not grieving or in horrible pain (and some people in horrible pain are still happy) and you still aren’t happy, then think about why you aren’t.
Is it that you want something you don’t have? Well, then… sketch out a plan to obtain it, to the best of your ability and subject to revision, of course. And then be happy because you’re on the road there.
Or is it something about yourself that makes you unhappy?
Here we must distinguish between two things: if what you don’t like about yourself is something that affects only yourself — you’re too fat, not brilliant enough, you never learned to waltz, whatever the heck you use to beat yourself over the head – well, start working towards it, and understand you don’t have to be perfect. If you think you have to, you’ve been sold a bill of goods. No one is perfect. The best we can do is try. If you’re trying you’re doing your best. Pat yourself on the back, and don’t be too hard on yourself when you fall.
Or is it that something you are/do hurts someone you love?
Here too we must distinguish between two instances. Is it that they disapprove of something you do/are? And if so, can you change it? For instance, if they disapprove of your being too tall or – in the case of someone I dated – having breasts that are too large, or… whatever… It’s not your problem. It’s theirs. State firmly that they’ll have to live with it, and then remember it’s their problem. If it’s something you CAN change, like leaving the toilet seat up, or something more serious like refusing to do something that needs to be done or doing something that actively hurts someone you love, the thing that’s making you unhappy might be your conscience. Change it, or make efforts to change it. You’ll be happier that way.
What if you’re unhappy because you can’t find the minimum of existence? There’s always a way. Yes, the job market sucks. Do you perhaps have extra books you could sell on Amazon? Is there a hobby you can turn into a paying profession? Take steps towards that, and you’ll start feeling happier, even if the ultimate goal is out of sight. CHOOSE to take charge and be active about it, and you’ll be happier.
But what if you were never wanted, and no one in life has ever loved you, and you don’t belong to anyone or anywhere?
First… You belong to you. Be happy in you and what you are. Be happy you’re breathing. Be happy in your hobbies/your pets/whatever. And start reaching out. I had a teacher once who whined no one had ever loved her.
The problem was that she had never loved anyone. Take the focus out from within you and put it outside in something else. It could be something as inconsequent as rescuing kittens or puppies, or as important as volunteering to do research. All of them will allow you to connect with your fellow humans, and that’s important too – we are social animals.
But I don’t understand. You had a truly horrible past, and you have scars. Yeah, and? You’re not that injured child. You’re an adult. Deal with the scars. Stop holding your breath and going “but I wanted it to be different.” You’re not entitled to perfect, and if you knew other people’s stories, you’d find we’re all walking wounded. We all favor one point or the other. We all shift and walk around burned spots in mind and heart. We all do the best we can to be happy. And holding your breath and wanting it perfect won’t get you anything. That’s not how the world works.
I’m not telling you “Don’t worry, be happy.” That was one of the stupidest phrases ever coined. I’m not sure why those two things should be linked. Some people like me would break in two to stop worrying. Worrying is part of making sure we look ahead and we plan, and that’s how we survive, and some of us can’t stand to live any other way.
But it doesn’t mean, for all the worry, we’re not happy anyway.
Be happy.
(Right now I’m going to be happy while doing a massive amount of laundry. Catch you on the flip side.)
According To Hoyt 
I have to agree with you on the love to be loved part. I have a friend that everyone likes and loves. He can’t see it but, the fact is that he gunuinely likes everyone. I envy him the love of everyone around him but, I know the reason he has it and I don’t is because I don’t like people. Oh sure, I like and love individuals but, most people suck. Before you say that that isn’t true, you must realize that I am referring to multiple people at a time. I used to know a very racist individual. When he was alone he was fine, put him in a group of his own race and he was a useless piece of trash. The only real exception I have found to this is the Barflies, and their subgroups. Even there I find individuals I don’t like but, in general, I could invite a group of ‘Flies into my home happily. Considering how much i hate having people in my house in groups that is quite a recommendation.
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Thank you. :-) <– me being happy!
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There’s something so satisfying about laundry. I meanat the end there’s this big heap of fresh smelling clothing saying “Good job! You have accomplished something!”
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And, while it is a task to be done with the aid of modern equipment it is not onerous. True, we miss the fresh air, the exercise and the comradery of gathering together at the river to pound our clothes on stones, but I think that it is a sacrifice that is worth it.
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It is a delightful sunny Fall day, after several weeks of hot wet weather and the lawn needs cutting. I haz lawn! I haz mower! I haz audiobook I like and get to advance through! Callooh! Callay! I also haz hot shower and imaginary friends on the interwbz.
And when it is cold and wet I get to stay inside, warm and dry. Sometimes I get to shovel snow, getting my day’s cardio in productively without leaving home. And when my back aches and muscles cramp, well, the dead feel no pain (or if they do they do not complain about it loudly.)
Sometimes happiness consists of focusing on what you have rather than what you lack, especially as you will always have something you lack (put differently: you will always have goals.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMyIx8mNJMQ
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This morning I made stew, finished reading a book about pre-dinosaur life, and rehearsed music for a concert this afternoon. And worked on a story that may tie a few loose threads together. It is cold and grey out, the first arctic air of the season (by-by skeeters!) and I have hot tea steaming away. The trees are turning, the roses are in their autumnal bloom. I got a very harsh review from a press’s reader this week (the first purely negative review any of my pieces has ever gotten), but the tree that fell over a few nights ago missed my car by inches. Life is very good.
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Sarah Hoyt, so true. Thank you for this great post.
And thanks for your contributions at InstaPundit. What a joy to read all the awesome links and commentary from you, Glenn and the others. You are like a virtual friend on the intertubes. So awesome.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this blog every day and especially your appreciation of the meaning of America and freedom. “America — the place where the future comes from.”
I look forward to a day when the future comes from each place in its own way; when people are free to innovate and make contributions in every country as we are here, today. Like the Khan Academy post I saw over at InstaPundit today — free education for everyone in the world. These are all Something To Look Forward To.
It’s my birthday today, and I’m practicing the very methods you’re discussing. I’m noticing with gratitude things I may take for granted but actually are wonderful gifts. This reminds me of the saying I’ve seen attributed to the Lakota Sioux: “Sometimes I go about pitying myself, but all the while I am being carried by great winds across the sky.” Today, I’m making sure I notice how I’m supported in this great journey.
Thank you, Sarah. I’ve come to consider you a virtual BFF friend and I appreciate your blog so much.
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True. Being happy depends a lot on deciding to be happy.
The exception would be if you have slipped down far enough to enter actual depression, that’s where your mind betrays you. Getting out of that might require outside help, whether that be therapy, or drugs, or both. But even with that a big part of avoiding it, or getting out, is learning to play tricks with your own mind. If something gets you down, avoid it, go for the things which cheer you up, and never, ever start wallowing in those things which do make you feel bad, if you need to think about them acknowledge them and then move on to something else the minute you can.
Well, for me, since my main problem is SAD, it also means eating right, using some supplements (D3 for one seems to make a huge difference) and using special lamps during the winter. Tricks.
And when it comes to thinking cheerful thoughts I don’t mean that one has to go fully Pollyanna, or that everything will always turn out just right with time and everybody is really truly nice if given the chance, sometimes imagining your nemesis, or even just some random idiot falling face down in the mud in full view of everybody can actually work better. :D
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Oh yes, depression is one of the problems, others exist, like post traumatic stress disorder, it’s just that depression is the one I have personal experience with.
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I expect we are in agreement that these constitute special circumstances as exceptions to the principle of Happiness being a choice. BiPolar Disorder would be another such instance. These are conditions which preclude choice.
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I thought bi-polar was a strip club that has two stages. Then it’s entirely about choice, isn’t it?
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Man, now every time I have to tell someone I’m having a swing, I’m going to visualize strippers swinging around a pole. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Certainly amusing!
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Dude!! TWO stages for stripping?? I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-inch pole!
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If someone cuts your hair, does it reduce the power of your puns?
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Yes, it eliminates the last two letters.
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Nah. He just becomes the son of sam — so… your own risk, son.
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But even with that a big part of avoiding it, or getting out, is learning to play tricks with your own mind.
Depression, PTSD, BiPolar — once a cause is identified you have a choice whether to give in or to fight it. That choice may be hard to make, and might have to be made in stages. It could require help of other people. Sometimes others may have to take the first step to see to a sufferers receive care. It may take time, profession treatment and medication. Getting better involves choices.
There are two major causes for depression that run in my family. I came to dread February, particularly in grim gray wet years. (I am glad to have moved south, and I do not wish to imagine what it might be like further north with shorter days.) For me, part of it has been learning recognize that my emotions can and do lie to me and, as you stated, learn the tricks to avoid, to get out or to by-pass.
Pratfall humor has a long history. The idea of the nemesis getting a comeuppance? Yippee! Why fight it, if imagining it works and no one actually gets hurt?
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I’d add one more. Yes, people are allowed to be happy. (Which is something that injured kids often are denied. Happiness — especially if deemed inappropriate by the abusive person in their lives — can be taught as something that happens to other people. Or all the people around you have to be happy before you’re allowed, or, or, or.)
No, wait, I fib. There are other things that can make happiness go away; in my case, I need extra vitamin B nearly every day, or I have a week or two of frequent, random unhappiness every month-ish. (Now it’s reduced to mild crabbiness, with random crushing unhappiness mostly only when I haven’t eaten…)
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Abuse is terrible. It is horrible. It is no good. It is very bad. It is wrong. Anyone want to agrue the point? Grrrrrrr.
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People can feel like they have no right to be happy for other reasons, too. If you have a loved one who is in pain or suffering in some other way, you may feel like you are disrespecting their plight by allowing yourself to be happy, but on the contrary, you’re not helping anyone by staying miserable.
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My family is quite small, and I am very picky about who I call friends, so the number is not great. Still, if someone else among my family or friends are suffering meant that I could not/should not be happy then I would never have permission to be happy. My Sister-in-law is presently in a very tough fight against cancer. In her last note urged us: find as much joy, love and happiness in each of your moments that is possible. Treasure them all.
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I do add B-12 and D-3 to my diet when I start to get cranky etc. It changes my mood wonderfully.
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Yes, only you can decide if you want to be happy. At the same time, I think the predilecation towards happiness can be relative. Some people get caught in the trap of, “How come I’m not as happy as that person over there?” That could start a downward spiral that would block happiness.
Of course, the opposite can alos be true – ie, “It’s awesome how much happier I am than all those gloomy Gusses.” :-D
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I have to remind myself that happiness is a choice often. I learned that if I wanted my life to be happy that I had to learn how to smile and make my hubby happy even when I wanted to snarl. It makes life more comfortable–
As for other people, I can handle being around people for only a couple of hours and then I am tired of the drama. I like the animals better. Plus if I want to live a better life, I have to be grateful —
Being grateful helps me to cut out the stress and help me to have a better and healthier life even though I have to take chemo and other pills.
So yes– I have also learned to accept the problems that come with pills– the weight gain, the sagging skin, etc, etc.
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As for other people …
I find one con a year adequately meets all my required direct social interaction needs (non-familial.) If they cut the con by twelve hours it would be even better. Some habits seem to demand higher levels of social interaction — music, singing, theatre, politics, drinking — but I have long since eschewed such frivolity.
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Hear! hear! I find I have become less sociable as I have aged.
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I love my kids and husband. Other social interaction only with people we like a lot, but that’s an habit of life, is all.
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“As for other people, I can handle being around people for only a couple of hours and then I am tired of the drama. I like the animals better. ”
Yes. I can visit friends and spend much more time than two hours, enjoyably; but I don’t need to, and am just as happy or happier without it. As for nonfriends or strangers, a couple of hours can be a LONG time.
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My Better Half is a very calm, cheery man. Eighteen years of civil war has left him with the deep seated belief that if no one is shooting at him, it’s a good day. Truck dies? Hey, it wasn’t a landmine. Electricity goes out? It’s so wonderful to live in a country that thinks this is an emergency!
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I second that last one. Summer — which is weird since at the time NO ONE in Portugal had AC — we had LONG stretches with no electricity.
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I was considering while preparing to mow the lawn that for most of human history a third pair of pants was a sign of wealth.
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or even a second. I cleaned the house while listening to a recording of Between Planets which makes the dreary work FAR more interesting and even… well… fun in a way.
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I’m so much happier now than I was as a kid… I’ve had time to practice. :)
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Hear, hear! :)
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I think that the trick is to decide to be happy with small things. Not the great things, and to live in hope of them happening – for they do not happen very often. It’s to be happy with those small, personal, regular-occuring joys; the sun rising on a new and lovely cool day, the newspaper (or of late – the internet) arriving of a morning with all sorts of interesting stories), a cup of hot tea perfectly brewed. A good walk with the dogs, a couple of nice chats with neighbors, a book or a magazine you have been looking for in the mail arriving in your mailbox, a plant in the garden looking especially vigerous, a new recipe for supper which turns out beautifully … the big joys are rare. Embrace those small and everyday joys.
My daughter and I drove up into the Hill Country today, by a back road that we had never ventured before. And it was perfect. We had a sort of luncheon at a bespoke yoghurt place, and drove back … and I took a lot of pictures, and talked to a lot of people about my books … and it was perfect!
Tonight, a cool front will blow in … and that will be even more perfect.
Life is good.It will go by fast – so grab onto every opportunity to enjoy it.
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The only thing that makes me unhappy is that my housing situation is shaky, and the people I’m living with don’t want me there. Most of the time, I can ignore that and be happy. The rest of the time I’m in damage control mode so I don’t get kicked out.
That’s not to say I don’t get depressed. (I’m rapid cycling Bipolar.) I do, but even when I’m depressed I’m still aware that things are good and it will pass. Not that I don’t still bawl and mope and struggle. I’m just aware that the struggle isn’t the end all be all of my world.
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I once gave a talk at church about this very topic. I said, … “by cultivating an attitude of gratitude, treating fear like a four letter word that you wouldn’t use in front of your mother, and accepting that sometimes things change, or not, without your permission, one can learn to find happiness in the darkest of places. Life is hard, but it doesn’t have to be unhappy. It is your choice, and your attitude will be the final application in that choice.”
I think the movie Joe VS the Volcano is one of the best movies ever produced about happiness. In the opening there is a scene where a crowd of drudging workers plod into a factory. Along the walk way is a determined flower growing out of the cement. To me, that flower represents how all of us can grow in the hardest of circumstances. That little plant was the only color in a sea of gray, but by heavens, it was there and no one was going to make it go away. Even if was trampled, and the bloom was pulled, the roots were still there and it would just bloom again.
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From the Westminster Shorter Catechism. Q. 1. “What is the chief end of Man?” A. 1. “Man’s chief end is to glorify G-d and enjoy Him forever.” If the Calvinists can enjoy G-d and His creation, then the rest of us probably can, allowing for transient sorrows and physical and emotional ailments.
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Heh… Good old Baltimore Catechism: “To love God, to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in the next.” They never taught us that when I was growing up; too cheerful for the Seventies, I guess.
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Sarah wrote: “But if you’re not grieving or in horrible pain (and some people in horrible pain are still happy) and you still aren’t happy, then think about why you aren’t.”
Brain chemistry?
Sometimes I find myself terribly unhappy yet nothing at all in my life is different than it was two weeks ago when I was quite happy. I’ll wait a couple weeks, nothing in my life changes, but the misery fades nonetheless, and then I’m happy again.
People tell me, “just will yourself to be happy” which is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. I could much more easily will myself to be 3 feet taller or to run a marathon than to will myself to be happy when in that state.
I always recover in a few days or weeks or months but I know what depression feels like and being permanently chronically depressed would really suck.
And when mired in dark depression, it doesn’t help to have folks like Ms Hoyt claim that happiness is a choice. Maybe so for some, but certainly not for everybody.
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Sounds like you have a depressive issue. I do too — and that is very hard to overcome. And yes, it’s not just a matter of “willing” it.
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I meant more along the lines of the rational side of happiness, not the feelings… Some people live in suspended anxiety to “be happy when” — I didn’t mean your internal motor. I know exactly what you mean. One of my friends calls this unhappiness out of nowhere “demons”
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It comes as a surprise to most people (including me), but one of the easiest ways to improve your mood is to smile. I know, it sounds backwards, because we think we smile because we’re happy, but it works both ways.
Now, it has to be the best approximation of a real smile that you can come up with – a person can turn the corners of their mouth up in a grimace, and that won’t help, but if you can get behind it and give a real smile, it will help. Sometimes it’s just too hard to make that effort, and if so, you may want to talk to a professional, but still, it’s worth a try.
And of course, you have to remember what Beth said above: You are allowed to be happy. If you think that whatever is going on means that you don’t have a right to be happy, you’re mistaken. This has been one of my biggest difficulties sometimes.
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Guys, when you do talk to a professional, he means the kind that has an office and a couch, not an alleyway and knee-pads.
Quite right on the smiling — even grinning can help.
It also helps to have a sense of humour, acquisition of such being high on my “to-do” list. I used to have one but it got sick and died.
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well, if you are experiencing ups and downs for no reason, there’s a chance there’s something organic wrong. I hate the idea of going to a professional because they tend to just want to give happy pills and some of these are not… I’ve found for instance if you’re a woman of a certain age and experiencing ups and downs for no reason, you might be bipolar. BUT chances are your hormones are out of whack. (For some reason I get in this cycle — and have since my early 40s — where my estrogen overwhelms my progesterone. This makes me listless and depressed, but it’s not solved by happy pills. It’s solved by hormonal treatment. I suspect men have their own balances/issues. I understand lack of a certain vitamin or other can do this too. And then there’s emotional/weather triggers. I’m aware I have PTSD bad, leading to the elections. So I’m freaking out. I manage it by blogging. BUT that doesn’t affect the underlying happiness or the causes of it. It’s just “feeling stuff.” You deal with that. We are ALL broken.
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Well, the wife has to take pills that kill off her estrogen/progesterone, so she’s gonna be out of whack to some extent anyway. At least they aren’t fluctuating.
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Shoot, I went all serious and missed the obvious low er… blow… “An office and a couch? Ooooooh. Posh.”
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I don’t know, the other kind of professional is usually cheaper, and can be quite effective.
Er, that’s what I’ve heard, anyway…
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I gather, having been told this by many films, television programs and blogs, that prostitutes (at least the more highly remunerated ones) offer services beyond the purely physical, providing a sympathetic ear and reassuring her clients that it is perfectly normal for an adult to want to dress up in diapers and baby bonnet and be bottle-fed while being cuddled by mumsy.
Frankly, in a world where so many people are quite willing to lie to me on spec I feel no compulsion to pre-pay for the service.
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I, for one, am very happy that “Central Heating” no longer means moving the livestock into the center of the living quarters in winter.
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