(This is a somewhat rambling post. I hope it makes sense. It is about my relationship with my work — how I feel much more bound to it because no one else forces to do it… and when to figure out I need a break.)
We live in peculiar times. This is not a complaint, mind you, just an observation. They’re peculiar in relation to the way most of our ancestors lived – they are also incomparably better, and in fact I suspect many of our ancestors, probably not so far back, would consider our age paradise.
I know I grew up in a pocket of time marooned somewhere between Elizabethan and Victorian England, so perhaps I feel this more acutely than most people, but I can’t emphasize enough that when I announced to my mom that my kitchen would have both hot and cold running water (I think I was about six) she laughed at me. Another of those was, when she visited, my holding up a package of chicken thighs and going “Hey, mom, remember when you told me I couldn’t just buy chicken thighs?” (Which are/were my favorite part of the chicken) “Well, guess what?!” (And yes, she did the perfectly sensible thing and rolled her eyes at me. Eye rolling is genetic.)
Even though like most of my female relatives (mom had cleaning ladies and dailies, but she doesn’t do well with employees. I’m not wonderful at it, either) I have a business and am responsible for the upkeep of the house and family besides, the work I have to do on the house is far less onerous than what my ancestresses did. For instance, I don’t have to fill an iron with coal and I certainly don’t have to mix my own starch. I also don’t have to start the stove with wood.
For these things, I’m incredibly grateful. I’m even more grateful for the things I didn’t even know existed when I was a kid – even for the rich – like central heating and cooling.
All of this is to make sure you don’t think I’m complaining about modern times, much less saying we have it harder than people in past years.
BUT we do have it differently. Most of us – at least most people reading this blog – work with their minds. (I almost said the lucky ones work with their hands. Well, it can be lucky, nowadays, if you have the right job. If I ever walk away from writing something I’m seriously considering just now – don’t ask, don’t even ask. Mostly the old problem. We have been hit with the emergency (cars, cat issues, small stuff) stick over the last five months, and let’s face it, this is just not paying enough. IT MIGHT eventually if I can get off the ground in indie, but that requires time and not worrying about money and… – and if I walk away form it and I get a choice it will be into reproduction-antique making or something of the sort. Okay, so it won’t be THAT because that takes money and time for training but… it’s what I dream of.)
Anyway, because most of our work is in the mind, we who are self-employed – okay, at least I – face an issue our ancestors never faced: knowing when we are genuinely unable to work and when we’re malingering.
“But Sarah,” you’ll say, “don’t you know?”
Bluntly? No. First of all let me explain that I’m depressive by nature. I don’t think I’m QUITE clinical level depressive, but then again I wouldn’t know, because I manage it and much of the management is now instinctive. I learned to manage it without drugs and without its being anyone’s business. It’s better now, by the way – it was much worse from my late teens to my mid thirties, when depression would descend on me out of nowhere and make me unable to function.
This post came about because yesterday my friend Kate Paulk sent me an article on depression and the symptoms of depression. Things like: it becomes too much effort to stand up. It becomes too much effort to take out the trash. It becomes too much effort to think.
My major, most prolonged bout of depression was clinical: Post partum depression, with Robert. I managed it without drugs. I’m not sure to this day it was the safest thing I could/should have done, but at the time we had no insurance and we were so far beyond broke, there really was no other option. Okay, I’m sure there were free clinics of some sort, but we’d just moved to Columbia South Carolina, and we knew NO ONE. Dan was working 18 hour days and I was home with an infant and no car.
Anyway, because of that I know what depression looks like when it’s out of control. It looks like getting up just enough to feed the baby, then going back to bed and lying there, looking at the ceiling. And I know “the stupid” depression causes. During that period, Robert had a few onesies which had the rivet-kind of snap closure between the legs. Those snap closures would sometimes fall off, by tearing off the fabric. I remember holding one and looking at it, puzzled, having no idea HOW to mend it. Because I didn’t have the rivet/industrial snap applying machine, I thought I couldn’t repair it. A couple of months later, when I was feeling better, I came across a folded pile of these, looked at them, went “DUH” sewed the tiny hole shut, and put a normal type snap on top of it. But while depressed figuring this out was impossible.
I also know how you come out of it: slowly. One day you feel a little better and actually shower and style your hair. The next day you might actually prepare breakfast. The day after you take the kid to the end of the yard to feed bread to the ducks… And then the day after that, you start scrubbing the rental house, cleaning it, finally unpacking those boxes, playing with the infant and singing to him..
So… what is the problem with that?
The problem is that I’m also prone to upper respiratory issues, often of the kind that go directly to the lungs and show no cough or other symptoms. The problem is that I never know when I’m really sick or when I’m being depressed. And when I’m being depressed, part of my managing strategy is to try not to give in to it, to try to force myself out of it before it goes too far. While when I’m sick, the best results are obtained by going to bed and staying there until I get over it.
You see where this can be a problem?
I’m not saying depression isn’t real. I’m saying there are mental tricks I use when I feel it sneaking in, to keep it from becoming full blown. It can be something stupid like taking the day off and going to the art museum. BUT dragging self to the art museum while sick somehow doesn’t produce desired results.
The reason this matters at all is that my job is both mental and self directed. If I worked with my hands, the best thing to do through depression is to keep working. There’s always processes you can do when you can’t think clearly. And if I worked at an office, there’s usually administratrivia you can do, too while you wait for things to fall in place.
But working at home as I do – or at my own office – I try to impose on myself the same discipline I would use for working at an external office for someone else. I work regular hours; I set production minimums; I set project deadlines. This is done somewhat externally while I work for publishers, but the bulk of my work is shifting to indie now, and this is becoming even more important.
If you want to succeed while self-employed you have to treat it as a job. Yes, one of the benefits of working for yourself, and having flexible hours is being able to say “bugger that, I’m going to take the kids to the zoo.” Some of that will happen. I think they call it “mental health days” – the problem is you have to control it, or every day becomes that. You’re your own boss, so you have to be responsible. I think I take fewer sick days than my husband does, because he goes “Can’t function. Probably contagious. Going back to bed.” I can’t do that. I’ll go “Can’t function” “Let me inventory the stories I haven’t put up yet.” Because I know what lies at the other side. The few times I’ve given in, a year went by with nothing written.
On the other end of that is “If you’re forcing it, are you doing work you want other people to see?” Kris Rusch says that even sick your work is a certain level (Or at least that’s what I understood her to say) but she must be more disciplined than I. There’s a book that if it ever reverts to me will get completely rewritten. I knew the series was being killed and I was so depressed I couldn’t think from point a to point b. The most I could do was keep characters from changing names every three pages and to keep the thing from sounding like Atlanta Nights. Beyond that… Not much.
All this to say that when I read the article Kate sent me, I had to tell her “if the kids – the younger one just now – and Dan hadn’t all had similar symptoms to what I had, I’d think I spent the month of May depressed. I think I wrote a page the entire month, outside this blog. And the illness seemed, mostly, to consist of feeling REALLY REALLY tired, with very slight hints of stomach issues. But the tired and the foggy were real. I had trouble reading blog posts to the end, and I’ve kept this blog up only because I’m more stubborn than my body. This came with a double dose of guilt, because I paid rent on the office and I didn’t go in more than maybe four times – but I just couldn’t drag myself awake long enough, must less walk to the office.
Again, if the guys hadn’t had similar symptoms, I’d have thought it was depression. The thing is, when the guys came down with it, you can look at them and go “You look ill!” It’s much harder to see from the inside. I’ll look in the mirror and go “Am I sick? Or lazy?”
I’m often asked by those of you who are just starting out “How do you make yourself produce?” “How do you make yourself finish things?” And “If you go completely indie, how do you keep yourself writing enough to keep yourself in roof and meals?”
Well–
The way I deal with that is by forcing myself to work everyday, on schedule. These days ten to four or so. By preference at the office.
But how do you deal with the temptations to take a day off and go to the movies or whatever? Well… I do it the way I’d do it if I were working flex time at an office. If I’m ahead of “time” and worked a few extra hours, I allow myself time off. If not, I might make it up on the weekend.
But what if you get ill? How much sick time do you take? And when is it real, and when is it that you hate that particular project?
That is the hard part. I tend to err on the side of driving too hard. I push myself, and what in the guys is a week’s illness, in me becomes a dragging sickness that swallows all of May. (I finally pretty much slept for three days straight, which seems to have worked.)
I know this is a problem. Would I advise you to do what I do? Oh, heck no. I never advise people to be crazy. Well… not like that. On the other hand, if I say “be kind to yourself” you might be the type who stops because he/she sneezed and never gets anything done and then say “It’s Sarah Hoyt’s fault I never finished even one story. She told me to take care of myself above all.”
All I can tell you is that this is a problem of the new economy; a problem that will become more prevalent as more people are free lancers. And that I wish there were some sort of guideline I could follow to decide if I’m physically ill, depressed or just lazy. Just not blaming myself for work stoppages would make my life much easier. And not pushing myself when I’m actually battling a virus would too.
But until a miracle occurs, I’m all I have. So I’ll keep trying to work until I hit the wall. And then… and then I’ll stop when I can’t go on.
Sane? Would any sane person do this for a living? But it is the best I have.
According To Hoyt 
At least you have people there to help you now. For me (mostly in the past), depression and physical illness hit me when I was living alone.
Please take care.
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We each must learn our systems and their maintenance, physical and mental. Sucks, don’t it? There are days when I feel, if it weren’t for my reading glasses the nose would serve no function at all. It sure doesn’t pass enough air to justify the space it occupies. Might as well laugh, ’cause crying hasn’t worked.
And, because we don’t have sufficient stimuli to hypochondria, here’s another thing to worry over:
I think I will take a quick nap.
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This is why I now write at night. My preferred internal clock has me starting my day at what most people consider lunch, and staying up until on average around 3-4am. I try to limit it to that, because if I stay up much later (earlier?) then I shift over to a fully night cycle and never do anything socially or see my hubby when one of us isn’t sleeping.
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…it’s also quieter at night by a long shot…
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I have the opposite internal clock, I tend to get up at the time you are going to bed. But I can flop hours without much difficulty, my only problem is I can’t sleep past daylight unless it is daylight or almost daylight when I go to sleep. I have no problem going to sleep in the daylight like I hear so many people complain about, but if I am asleep at night, my body thinks I should be up and had breakfast and be doing something by the time it is daylight.
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I have, mostly by accident despite having troubles with “body” vs “social” time, seen similar research indicating some people have a “body” clock of 36 rather than 24 hours, or are nocturnal rather than diurnal. Relatively rare, but apparently real, and I suspect myself of being in some such group.
And yes, even for the majority (which is the actual definition/usage of :”normal”) too often “the time is out of joint.”
I do not know if it even CAN be “fixed” let be whether it SHOULD be. With necessarily round-the-clock activity (in the past mostly military, but now for most businesses) being common, the nocturnal-inclined can be beneficial to society: identify and utilise? Dunno.
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Well, when it’s depression, nope quality of work doesn’t seem to noticeably differ. When it’s because I’m sick, quality of work doesn’t seem to noticeably differ, but the time it takes to complete anything of quantity often makes it so that I know I’d be better off taking a day or three to get better. But then like you I try to keep to something of a schedule or I’ll end up skipping months, but it’s also given me a baseline of what I know I can generally do in a general amount of given bic time.
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Wow – I can tell you that, based on your past month’s blogging, you write very well when sick, but I know that’s a bit flippant. I know what it is to not be able to focus, to have problems keeping that structure up. So much pressure when you are your own boss and have only yourself to answer to. And yes, this will be something more and more people will have to face – every change, even a good change, brings new problems (or brings back old problems – from the old farming days when everyone was their own boss).
I’ve been sick all of May, too – a whole lot of people have been around here. Bad air quality, the worst allergies people have seen in years – I’ve wondered if the New Mexico wildfire debris has made it over here. I haven’t been sick enough to stay home from work much, but it’s been dragging, mind-dulling, and energy sapping. I gave up writing for three weeks – and that hurt, and I’m not even close to earning any money from it. I’m back to it, and that’s how I know I’m getting better.
I don’t suffer from depression, not the black soul-killing kind, but I have friends who do, and watching them, I know that depression lies. (So don’t make any life decisions when you’re sick or depressed. Or panicking – and money makes us panic like nothing else.) It will pass – but you know that (I suspect your rational mind is a tremendous weapon against it, as long as the depression doesn’t subvert it).
We will feel well again (though, durnit, it takes longer, the older I get!) Sometimes I think getting sick is our bodies saying, Ease up, dammit!
Good luck and take care.
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A couple years ago my preacher said, “Life is hard, and when you embrace that fact, it isn’t that hard.” I don’t know if he was channeling Yogi Berra, but it seemed to make sense at the time.
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That reminds me of a favorite line:
Uh, actually, RES, by The Life in that movie they meant a life of constant, dangerous criminal activity. The Life is criminality and its codes. I don’t think they meant it to extend beyond that.
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Well, Charles, here’s the thing: this quote is the root of a broadly circulated quote incorrectly attributed to John Wayne, usually in Sands of Iwo Jima but which cannot be confirmed, so I opted for the most correct quote. It is the equivalent of citing “If she can stand it, I can! Play it!” when the circumstance calls for “Play it again, Sam.” — putting punctilious accuracy over the familiar but incorrect. Readers are expected to recognize the implied but inaccurate quote and gain a frisson of smug superiority, a shared knowing wink with the writer which renders them flattered and thus inclined to naively accept the other elements of the writer’s argument less scrupulously. All part of the con, you see.
Life’s hard, man, but its harder if you’re a jerk.
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BTW – really great novel, really great movie. I no more care what they actually meant than a politician cares what an opponent actually meant.
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“Life is tough, it’s even tougher if your stupid”
Is the quote I have always seen attributed to John Wayne, I have no idea if it was ever actually a line in a movie, or something he ever even said (even possibly misquoting Keats).
It’s still a good quote, whoever came up with it. ;)
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Disciplined writing habits can be just as difficult when you have a day job, one that keeps your family in kibble and popsicles and working plumbing. If you’re not careful, you start thinking of your writing as a hobby (because it’s certainly not-for-profit ;) )
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I did for many many years — something I’m still trying to overcome at the back of my mind, because the habit of “cooking dinner is more important than writing a chapter” still lurks at the back of my mind. Mostly, I feel like everything I do, no matter how much I work, I’m doing too little and leaving stuff undone. Eh.
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“Mostly, I feel like everything I do, no matter how much I work, I’m doing too little and leaving stuff undone.”
But that’s hardwired with motherhood. And according to *my* mother, in her 80s and dozing in a well-deserved retirement, it never stops.
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no matter how much I work, I’m doing too little and leaving stuff undone
Sarah, have you been checked for anxiety disorder? I have it and in its milder moods, it’s similar to what you’re describing. (In its raging Hulk mode, it leaves me in a flat-out panic attack, huddled and shivering.) Now the trick is that anxiety disorder ends up depleting neurotransmitters, which in turn leads to depression. It can also lead to decreased immune response. Being treated doesn’t make all the problems go away, at least not 100%, but it sure helps.
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No. It’s just that I’m literally doing five jobs at once. The ONLY way I can rest is to go away from place of work, for like three days. This means home. It also means getting my laptop taken away under threats of death. Doesn’t always work. I’ve been known to write chapters on napkins, hotel stationary and, one glorious time, a novel on most of a roll of TP.
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Sarah,
Only five? I seem to recall telling you that you needed to back off and rest or you’d burn out. Er… make that nagging you. And you always said you didn’t have time. So I’m not surprised that you’re hitting crash and burn. It’s pretty common that as soon as things ease off a bit the body says “Okay, enough now.” and packs it in.
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Okay, I didn’t count art director for NRP. Six. Though now with going indie this is a little less pressure. Plus kid got through school… so, I was due a crash, I guess. BUT a whole MONTH?
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Maybe longer – I know I was working hard for three months and then I did a crash. I am taking it easier this time. ;-)
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In my experience, a lot of people crash right after the youngest child’s graduation. The youngest child, the parents, the grandparents if he’s the youngest grandchild…. :) So yeah, the bit about empty nest and big life events is a cliche because that stuff really happens. It’s annoying for you, but don’t worry too much. It’s a brand new month full of time to write.
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Huh – I have read novels that should have been published on a roll of TP; at least that way they’d have provided some value to the reader. (Okay, I confess: I have but started novels that should have been on TP.)
Given the characteristic properties of TP I am now consumed with questions: how did you rewind the roll with adequate tidiness? Pencil or ink — each presents problems. Double-ply or single? And of course, the one question whose omission would result in my drummed out of the Punsters Union: How crappy was it? (Now, you wouldn’t want them to give me a dishonorable discharge, would you? Although, at times I swear: if it wasn’t for the pension plan I would leave the P.U.)
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Pencil, double ply. It was a romance, which just shows I’d lost my mind. It’s half typed in. SOMEDAY I might very well publish it. I don’t think it’s crappy, though it’s lighter than air. I meant to make it first of a series: Women in love with you know archetypes. First one was Death, which, yeah, had been done, but… it’s a romance! I was going for Pluto and persophone in modern day.
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Pencil, eh? What, a .7mm soft lead? I like a .3mm (usually only available at art supplies stores) or a .5mm, although I found when taking the CPA exam that a .9mm was best for filling bubble sheets.
The series idea has potential although I foresee some issues, especially if you stick to the Greco-Roman myths. A romance about a woman in love with Love could be very interesting (the sort of thing James Branch Cabell was wont to explore) but probably not quite so marketable with Aphrodite and (unfortunately) the modern conception of Cupid would be all sorts of Eewwwwwy. And I doubt not that most readers would misconstrue use of Eros.
OTOH, if you delved into the rich mythology of Celtic, Norse, Egyptian, Hindu and Amerindian Pantheons …
I would read that one – esp about death.
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How about women who are archetypes and then men who love them. lol
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The problem for that in traditional romance market is that it must be woman POV. But indie… eh Um…
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Well – :-) indie is a different horse. lol (or unicorn)
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That was my first thought on the suggestion, but …
Way back when I lent some L’Amour to me Mum, which she devoured happily, commenting that they were Romances, and indeed, I realized, she were right (always listen to your Mothers, kids.) In the classic definition of Romance L’Amour’s Westerns … fit.
So consider whether a tale can be put into that market. Always hard to build audience in a new genre, admittedly, but (like SF/F) many readers of Westerns seem to be high consumers of printed words. They are also highly receptive to the kinds of political and cultural themes that infuse your writing. Next time you’re at a convenient major interstate truck stop take a look at the books spinner.
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I thought romances were pretty heavy into alternating gal/guy viewpoints these days! All the ones I can think of, off the top of my head, do that. Or do the head-hopping thing.
And then over here I seem to be writing something that should wind up with a romance-of-sorts in it, and it’s completely in the guy’s viewpoint. Another one that is in my head has two viewpoints… but they’re both male, and no, they’re not interested in each other. (Aside from them being het, one’s extremely married-and-monogamous.) *facepalm*
I think I’m so glad I’ve decided to tread the indie-author path.
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Scott’s works were considered romances when he wrote them also. And really they were, the main theme was a romantic interest between characters, but there was actually a plot and storyline besides the romance. Many of L’amour’s works could be classified the same. I have recently been reading some romance trying to get a feel of how to incorporate it into my own writing. What I have concluded is that I far prefer the L’amour style romance, where the romance seems to just happen around events instead of being the overbearing theme. Unless there is another main storyline (like a mysterious crime) woven into the romance, most modern romances seem like in order to stretch the story into novel length the author either adds lots and lots of sex, or they make the characters so unbelievable and stupid that I am undecided on whether I want to strangle the author or the characters.
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…or they make the characters so unbelievable and stupid that I am undecided on whether I want to strangle the author or the characters.
There are times that I suggest both, just to be on the safe side.
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You know, I’ve gotten so inured I can even “allow” them two very stupid actions/thoughts. More than that, though, and the book goes against the wall.
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…Women in love with you know archetypes. First one was Death…
I am in love with Death, but only when he speaks with Christopher Lee’s voice and in ALL CAPS.
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Maybe your husband should zip-tie your thumbs together to stop you sometimes. :-P
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Don’t Give Him IDEAS!
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Note to author: Find link showing how to get out of zip ties.
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There are places where leather bags to go over the hands with locking straps at the wrist can be purchased to prevent people from being able to use their fingers at all…
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As the saying goes, at times like these it is important to remember there has always been times like these.
As to writing and depression . . . on my good days I make Fritharik look like an optimist. Right now I am commuting 90 minutes a day, working a full-time job and am on deadline to produce the first part of a book by Jun 20 (artist’s instructions). So I have to chain myself to my desk when I get home, and write from then until dinner, and then from dinner to bedtime. Only I get really depressed unless I exercise (a two-mile walk in the evening), but I don’t have time to walk because I have to write, and then my output drops because I am down, and then I have to write longer to catch up and then I have less time to walk and then . . . .
Well you get the picture. Finally, I realize what is happening and go away from the desk, and take a walk whether I need it or not and whether I have time or not. And listen to a P.G. Woodhouse audiobook on the walk (Uneasy Money right now).
Then I realize that maybe things are not as black as I have painted them. Instructions for seven of the ten plates are done, and one other is half done. And I have three weeks. And thank God for the Internet because in the old days I had to MAIL the ms to Britain (from Texas) and now I can ftp it — so I have an extra week I would not have had.
And my editor is nudging me for a few more book proposals — which should be a good thing, if I had time to write them.
Fortunately I do not have to depend on my writing income to live on. But I know where you are coming from.
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I had very much the same problem when I was a work at home geek: the desk was always there, always whispering “you could be working now….”
The only real answer, I suspect, is to have an office and when you leave the office you stop working.
If anyone has any ideas how to do that, i’ll all ears….
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Like Paul (aka tall, dark and draconic), I get the most depressed when I’m by myself. I push too hard, for too long, because nothing stops me. Except the brick wall at the end of the tunnel. Then the black jumps up and grabs me by the throat. (Sort of like how I managed my blood sugar for a while: go until I wake up on the floor, eat, then repeat. I destroyed my hunger signals by ignoring them too often back in the day.)
I’m trying to learn to see the dark patches as winter fallow. A field has to rest or it loses its fertility; humans have to rest or we lose creativity (among other things). Sometimes I can let the depression out through writing scenes that will never see the light of day, other times I just keep reciting “Deor’s Lament,” the chorus of which translates, “That passed away. This also may.”
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I worked outside my home until mid-2000 at a job I loved, and was being groomed for greater responsibilities. Unfortunately, the noise level in our office reached the point where I couldn’t take it any more, and I was forced to quit. I had multiple other problems (osteoarthritis in every joint, significant nerve damage, hyperaccusis, diabetes, etc.) that I was declared “unemployable, and 100% disabled. For the first four or five years after that, I kind of drifted. After that, the writing bug which has been dormant for many years reasserted itself, and I had another purpose in my life. Physical problems, especially pain, can lead to depression, so I know how that feels. There are days where I don’t function, or I function at such a low rate, that it’s just not worth it. I wouldn’t even get out of bed, but we have a 7YO we need to take care of. At least we don’t have to live on my writing income, which amounts to about $20/quarter!
Sarah, my wife has many of the symptoms you describe — extremely tired, can’t seem to think, etc. She has MS. It came on quite late for her – she was in her late 50’s before it manifested. She also has a thyroid problem that medication USUALLY takes care of, but sometimes doesn’t, and that too causes that exhausted feeling. Jean’s older than I am, and old age also plays its part.
I’ll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers, that things will be better for you.
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(Mike — make sure she also keeps an eye on her ferritin if she isn’t already. Low ferritin, even low-“normal” ferritin, can indicate a need for iron. And the fatigue and brainfog that accompanies low ferritin feels a lot like hypothyroid fatigue! As I also well-know… And, as always, get the numbers and never trust “normal” as spoken by a doctor. Luck!)
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I’m not sure that I have a body clock. Between narcolepsy, the chronic sleep-deprivation depression that narcolepsy causes, and assorted other issues, I medicate to sleep and medicate to wake up, or I’m permanently in a half-asleep fog.
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Another thing to consider is Seasonal Affective Disorder. I also have this; I have been supplementing my Vit. D just to get it to normal. The gist of it is that if I don’t get at least a certain amount of sunlight every day or so, I will grow down and blue. It’s most noticeable in winter, but if we have a massively long stretch of overcast/rainy days, or if I’m indoors too much, it will also manifest. Special lights help, as does Vit. D supplementation. It’s worth thinking about your work habits – are you getting outside on a regular basis? Do you feel better after you do? Does spending a day outdoors leave you feeling energetic and creative? The depression that SAD produces is self-propagating, because if you do NOT get up and go outside, the downward spiral will continue.
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This may only apply a little bit, but I’ve been depressed due to other factors. During a tour in Iraq, I had several things go wrong at once. My mood wasn’t helped by my working the night shift in an ops center and rarely seeing the sun. It wasn’t until then that I realized how much natural light played a part in keeping us, or at least me, in the realm of the sane.
Funny thing is that I used to despise the sun(stationed in the desert for three years will do that to you). I found night to be comforting. Although darkness can still be comfotring, I promise to never amlign the sun again. Once I got it back, my mood improved dramatically.
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I have very (very, compared to other people) mild Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’m aware of it and I live in an area that has three hundred and fifty days of sunshine, yes, even during winter. I walk an hour every day.
The depressive tendencies run in the family, but I haven’t had any of the “out of nowhere, no trigger” ones since my early thirties. I suspect they were — somehow — hormonal. Now they’re tied to stuff, usually money or — in case you guys haven’t figured this — the career slog. It would take being crazy not to get discouraged by this career at times. HOWEVER nine times out of ten these days I’m actually not depressed, but ill. I’ll slow down, I’ll think I’m depressed and try to push it, and then get the other symptoms.
Those who know me know I’m — by and large — cheerful, at least these days.
As for the getting sick frequently — I know it seems like that from the outside, but I actually don’t… for the control group. The control group being “mothers with kids in the school system here in town.” Here in town is important because we’re a military town and one of those places people are sent to when they’re out in the middle of nowhere and catch something no one can identify. The WORST bout of whatsgoingaround in my life, eight years ago, when I couldn’t keep anything down for weeks and the entire family spent over a month mostly sleeping was traced to one of those. I know, I eventually met patient zero. His little girl went to school with my little boy and patient 0 had been sent home when they couldn’t do anything for him in Iraq. He recovered. So did the rest of the town. BUT that one was bad enough they closed the kid’s school for a few days. As I said, these are so frequent here I could call my doctor today and go “I have fever, pustules, threw up a lung, I think I might be dead” and he would go “Oh, it’s probably whatsgoingaround. I’ll let you know once I get a couple more cases.”
The frequency and severity of whatchmacallit has diminished with the kids getting older and getting into the grades where kids wash more frequently, or perhaps don’t touch as often, but even my husband, occasionally, brings home one of these.
I was talking to an old friend at a party recently and she said her doctor is doing immune system checks “because he’s new here in town. Eventually he’ll GET it and just treat the symptoms.”
This is one reason I tend to be much better during summer, unless I’m attending a lot of cons (I think everyone gets con crud, because it’s so many viruses from everywhere): because the family is more isolated. Of course now younger kid has entered party-age, so… who knows.
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I live in the desert and do love the sun even though I am not allowed out in it too much because of meds and my very light skin. Yes, we are creatures of the sun.
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The early morning light is considered most effective, something about the quality and tone.
For years I have had a true disliking for February, or is it that February doesn’t like me. (No, February doesn’t even know I exist — nothing personal.) At any rate, I particularly troubled when we have a very gray February. Yeah, I know the days are finally getting longer, but by then I have run out of run.
Exercise is supposed to help. I think it helps. If nothing else it eats up part of that dreary time.
I don’t know, but there does seem to be something in the air. I have also been sick, and while no longer leashed to boxes of tissues I cannot quite shake the residuals..
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You know, my last doc (who sadly just retired) has me taking 10mg of melatonin and 5000IU of D every night along with 20 mg prozac I’ve taken for years and years.. I had no seasonal effect (or affect) all winter and no noticeable signs of depression….
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Take your vitamins (especially your A, B’s, C, and D) and eat your spinach. And chocolate, for the magnesium, of course. :) Eating tuna and other fish during the winter helps too.
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Plus mushrooms – they have a lot of Vit D which is really helpful to me when I start to get snarly.
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Probably explains why I crave mushrooms.
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I luv mushrooms.
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Or it could just be that you have good taste.
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I listen to goth music when I’m depressed. Everyone else claims I’m wierd because they say that goth music is depressing, but it brings me out of depression.
Go figure, I must be Odd ;)
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I listen to French music. same principle.
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This makes me feel kinda stupid, but… about halfway through the wrap-up of the post, I suddenly thought of the bit of “The Horse and his Boy” by CS Lewis, where it says something like the problem with slavery is that it makes it so that the slave loses the ability to make themselves go on their own.
Kept trying to shake it, because comparing work to freaking slavery is rather ludicrous, but when a notion is that persistent I find it’s best to pass it on.
It may be that you have trouble leading yourself because you have been “made” to do stuff before. (And, from other posts, you really don’t like being forced into stuff.)
Perhaps those who grow up being expected to be self-movers, if not self-starters, will do it. Humans are rather amazingly adaptive.
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And, argh, forgot to subscribe. -,-
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