Son of You Might Be A Writer If…

Posted on by Sarah A. Hoyt

(Am busy with final revision on a book, which is one of those things I have to fully immerse in, so I decided to treat you to a few off the cuff “you might be a writer if” — some of them VERY SLIGHTLY exaggerated from my own or friends’ experiences.  Feel free to add you own in comments.)

…  You wake up in the middle of the night worried about people who’ve never existed
….. and what you’re worried about is that you haven’t hurt them enough.

…. You tell your husband about a new friend, then have to point out “And he really exists” as you get a dubious look from your better half.

…  Your husband once thought one of your new friends was a secret pen name of yours.

…  You have knock out, drag out fights with your pen names, who are pompous know it alls.

…  You think of distances in terms of flying, because you’ve been in your dragon-character’s mind.

…  You miss the characters you haven’t written about for a long time, and check in on them at the back of your head.

…  Some of your characters provide a running commentary to your life.
….   They’re not complimentary

…  You start walking out the door, then realize you’re carrying one of the large knives, in case your villain shows up while you’re walking.
…. realize people could get worried about this
….  Realize the character is a vampire, and what you really need is some garlic.

… Tell the kids to tone down some jokes because the character you’re working on is too innocent to listen to this.

…  Have an argument with your (writer) husband because you want to steal one of his ideas… and twist it.

…  Ever read some of your old stuff and thought “OMG, I’m a sick woman.  I need treatment.”
…. Then read some of your new stuff and realize you’ve gotten worse.
…  This is some of the better selling stuff you’ve written.

…  Have ever caused a waiter to look like he would faint at the description of the murder in your latest book, which you were giving your spouse over dinner.
…. Ditto with getting a call from the police wanting to have a talk with you, because someone overheard…
…. Ditto with the school calling about putting the kids in therapy for the murder that happened in your living room – they think
…  Ditto with having the school try to figure out if your family are UFO cultists because of some stuff the kid said about aliens.
…  Ditto with the school being very worried about your kids having uncles and aunts who “don’t exist.”  Try to explain that they adopt some of your favorite characters.  Have the school initiate process to take control of the kids from you.

…. You killed someone in a book.  And something awful happened to them shortly after

….  For your friend’s birthday you tuckerize him.

….  Your character knows more about wine than you do, so he helps you pick in the store.
….  He’s always right.

…. You tend to eat whatever your character eats whom you’re writing at the time.
… this is a problem when your character is a dragon.
… you get in trouble for biting the mail carrier.

…. Some of your best friends are imaginary
….  You’re not always sure which are which.

17 thoughts on “Son of You Might Be A Writer If…”

  2. You might be a writer if:

    …. Your wife is concerned about you having an affair with a character
    …. Your family thinks you are a know it all because you’ve just done 500 hours worth of research on a topic for a book, and when it comes up for discussion at the dinner table you know all the answers
    …. Your wife thinks you are having an affair with the woman you are discussing a collaboration with
    …. Your son who is screaming at his and your favorite sports team on TV looks at you strangely when you start laughing when the opposing team scores because you are writing some extreme prejudice to a character you don’t like at the time
    …. You have an argument with a character and loose
    …. You have to explain to your family why you are researching blade wounds
    …. You look at every person you see in the mall, and make a story about every single one that looks interesting
    …. Your wife gets upset when she notices that most of the ones you have noticed are young, pretty, and female
    …. You are annoyed when your characters turn your High Fantasy into a Young Adult Fantasy without your permission

    Who is next?

    Wayne

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  5. you (nearly) buy something at a yard sale because you know of someone that would love that … and then remember that the person in question is a character in the book you just finished writing

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  6. *sigh* You find yourself stockpiling for the apocalypse because the book you’re writing says it’ll happen in the next five years.

    You find yourself afraid for yourself (and kids) as you realise that the apocalypse will take out the power grid, and you are just not capable of living without electricity.

    You sit down to write because one of your characters has threatened you with a knife if you don’t.

    We’re all nuts.

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    1. Your three year old tells your husband you’ve been having dates every afternoon, and gives a convincing description of the main male character in your current book. All becomes clear when you find out, six months later, that the little wretch can read. (And you’re so glad your husband trusts you!)

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  8. …you have to explain to your wife that you’re writing a story where a main character is an exotic dancer and your trips to the strip club are research–and you _mean_ it.

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  9. … if the number of items in your “You might be a writer if” list exceeds the number of minutes spent typing it.

    … if on reaching the Announcements section in your Sunday paper you start composing captions (and back stories (and forward stories)) while looking at the pictures of the happy couples.

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  10. Unfortunately, as a dedicated RPGer, “gamer schizophrenia” is a related and well-known phenomenon….

    … as in your Game Master who does Tarot performs a reading on you. It’s result is nothing like you, but is a 100% read and subsequent prediction for your main character in his game….
    …watching the college librarian’s face change color as she listens to you describing your Call of Cthulhu character’s equipment requirements over her phone… in 1982. Today, you’d be expelled from college and on every watch list you can imagine…. if they didn’t just ship you straight to Gitmo…

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  11. You have an argument with a character and lose — Done that.
    — Your dreams are scenes from the story you’re writing.
    — Your dreams are scenes from multiple stories, some you’re currently writing, some you finished, some you never thought of before, and some from a story you started in high school but lost the spiral notebook that was written in pencil and mostly unreadable the last time you saw it.
    — Your dreams are several of your characters standing around telling each other war stories about what they’ve been through.
    — You’re trying to write a scene that just isn’t gelling, and the character pops into your mind sitting with his arms crossed, sniffs, says “This is booooorrrriiing!” and walks out.
    — You go to physical therapy for an injury and already know many of the procedures because you had to research it for a character, and the confused therapist keeps marveling how well you’ve recovered from your character’s injury.
    — Your character, while doing strenuous exercise, is criticizing you for sitting on your ass.

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    1. The dream thing, Deann — it only happens to me when I’m not writing ENOUGH. Take it for what it’s worth.

      The research — its much worse when it’s for something that would be suspect for you to know. “Yeah, yeah, I know, if this were a rape case, you’d need to” or “If this were a child abuse case, you’d need to.” AND OMG, yeah, on the exercise thing. I’m losing weight, at last because some of the guys in my head got SNARKY.

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      1. Sarah, one of the funniest panels at a DragonCon I went to featured Laurell Hamilton describing her research for Anita Blake: There’s a murder at her St Louis apartment complex and she goes down to talk to the cop guarding the scene. Introduces herself, explains she’s researching a novel, and asks, “How would you investigate a case where a group of people were digging up bodies in a cemetary?”

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