Month: December 2007

Mr. And Mrs. Gadge T. Wiggs
Elf Hallow

Dear Mom and dad,

Well, I hardly know what to write today.  To begin with, we were testing zebras.  And as far as I could determine from the early test, zebras are eminently suited to the task of pulling the SANTA sleigh.

In the early test, you say?  Well, yes, because as we started gaining speed, the temporometer clicking merrilly alone this… horrible darkness obscured the landscape.  It was as though a very tall tower had materialized in front of us.  There was a horrble creak-like-scream, a smell of fish that hasn’t seen the ocean in far too long.

When we woke up, Boggs and I, we were on the snow, in the wreckage of the sleigh.  The zebras, I’m afraid, had been eaten.

Boggs keeps saying “I saw, I saw,” but can never say what he saw.  He usually just starts screaming “The horror, the horror.”

They’re sending me in another assistant tomorrow.  A girl.  And meanwhile I’ve been asked to try eagles as sleigh pullers.

I just wish I knew what sent Boggs out of his mind.  Perhaps he hit his head?

Yours ever,

WW

Mr. & Mrs Gadge T. Wiggs
Elf Hollow

Dear Mom and dad

I’m sorry I couldn’t write before but you see, the day after the camels, we tried the squid.  Now it might seem strange to you that the squid could be used in the open air, but with little water tanks, this was no problem at all.  or so we thought.  Until, of course, the sleigh took off…   And then the mechanism that was supposed to purify the water and allow the squids to float in their own little aquariums… malfunctioned.

Let’s just say any piece of paper on the North Pole was QUITE splattered with ink.  We had to wait for a new delivery.  Also, am getting somewhat tired of friction-braised squid steaks, but Boggs says we must stay within our budget.

Meanwhile, in the last few days, pelicans, snails, storks and lions have also failed, in terrifying ways.  Also, one of the lions was eaten by our mysterious carnivore.  Boggs says it is the punishment of our attempt to use nature for magical purposes.  I’m starting to wonder if Boggs has a barbecue grill in his room and if he likes roast lion.

Worriedly your son,

WW

I’m sorry.  I was informed of a death in the near family and I’m taking some time to process.  I will return to blogging tonight.

Sarah

Mr. and Mrs. Gadge T. Wiggs
Elf Hollow

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m sorry this letter seems to be so late.  I swear I’ve kept to my promise of writing you every day.  The problem was… the camels…

You know how their humps are said to store water?  Well, the moment we harnessed them in…  the tempormeter started ticking really fast.  Next thing you know…. we were all over the snow..  and it was a week later.  It seems camels humps also metaphysically speaking store … time.  And the sleigh distabilized the setup…

Anyway.  So, it’s next week.  And we’ve decided not to use camels anymore.

On the worrysome side, two more animals — an ostrich and a llama have been found devoured, the bones picked clean.  it’s clear there is a carnivore on the loose, but nobody can find it.

Worriedly,

your son

WW

This is part of a challenge that my husband — http://danhoyt.livejournal.com/ and my friend Kate Paulk http://katepaulk.livejournal.com/  are also doing.

Mr. and Mrs. Gadge T. Wiggs
Elf Hollow

Dear Mom and Dad,

Oh, boy, alligators.  You can imagine my excitement as I woke up.  I mean, alligators totally fit the weight requirements for sleigh animals — unlike elephants, which my superior tells me would change a poem that will likely be written (95% chance) at some future date, from “up on the roof there arose such a clatter” to “down the roof came with a clatter.”  Which apparently wouldn’t be as satisfactory.

But the day started badly.  One of the twenty alligators, picked to make magical sleigh history was missing.  We harnessed the other nineteen anyway.

And then waited.  And waited.  the alligators just… lay there on the snow.  At last Boggs said they were probably too cold and that he would go get some coffee.  I thought, of course, like a good engineer, he was getting coffee to pour over the beasts.

But when he came back with a cup from Starbucks, North Pole division, all he could say was that alligators was a stupid idea.  I would have protested, but at that point, one of the auxiliary elves came running, to tell us that they’d found the bones of the twentieth alligator.  yes, that’s right.  Bones.  Picked in clean on bloodied snow.

We checked all the pens, but none of the other animals was missing.  Certainly not the carnivores.  So… what could have eaten the twentieth alligator?  What horror stalks our experiments?

Rather sad, I had the alligators unhitched from the sleigh and taken to their warm pen.  I still feel kind of bad, really.  I had another elf secure their pen, hoping whatever it is won’t attack them again.

Tomorrow we’re going to try camels.

As always, your loving son

WW

Check out my husband’s entry to this challenge at: http://danhoyt.livejournal.com/20149.html?view=18101#t18101

And now my friend Kate Paulk has joined the fun:  http://katepaulk.livejournal.com/2794.html

 The Wiggs
Elf Hollow

Dear Mom and Dad,

I write in haste.  What a disaster today was.

It seemed like such a good idea too.  A single elephant could pull the entire sleigh no matter how loaded.

However, the elephant, being the size it is, when interacting with the magical field seems to cause… well… there is no other way of putting it, its own gravity.

We took off at a sharp incline and as soon as we were off the ground, we found ourselves orbiting the pachiderm’s behind in an ever narrowing circle.  Meanwhile, the temporometer was clicking maddly forward and then backward and then forward again.

It’s all a blur…  We hit the elephant’s butt and… well…. there is no delicate way to explain the next few seconds.  Let’s just say the excrement hit the sleigh.  Tons of excrement.

I thought that I could design a mechanism to counter the pull of the elephant’s nether regions, but Boggs — who is truly not a positive thinker — doubted me.

At any rate, people in the physics department at FAUGH say our test caused the Earth’s orbit to slow down enough that it threw the entire year off and they asked that we not use elephants again.

So… tomorrow… alligators.

Your Son,

WW

PS – Oh, don’t worry about the calendar, the guys in the physics dept are great.  They managed to contain the damage so that it will be okay if we just add an extra day every four years.  There’s also something with minutes every year.  They said not to worry about it.  It was a much bigger mess with the experiment with the pudding, back when we had to change from Julian to Gregorian calendar.

Check out my husband’s parallel entries at: http://danhoyt.livejournal.com/20149.html?view=18101#t18101

Mr. and  Mrs. Gadge T. Wiggs
Elf Hollow

Dear mom and dad,

Boy, oh, boy, was today an exciting day.   Since we are constrained to use a sleigh, I thought it was logical to start off with a family of Emperor penguins as sleigh pullers.

This, of course, involved designing a whole new set of harnesses, since penguins haven’t before been used to pull sleighs, magical or otherwise.  I truly don’t know why, since they would seem to be the obvious choice.

Anyway — when we finally got off the ground, at just past noon, my assistant Boggs was complaining that it would make us late for lunch.

The good news is that the sleigh took off, if listing slightly to the side.  In fact, it took off beautifully and at high speed, the temporometer clicking steadily backwards.

All was well until the penguins spotted some sea lions on the snow bank beneath.  This must have cause some issues in their subconscious, because the sleigh spun around on itself very fast, in a corkscrew motion.  It exhuded violet light and then…

Well, the penguins were scattered all over.  We had to track them all down to make sure they were still alive, because FAUGH has a strict no-animal-injured policy.   They all appear to be well, except number sixteen, whom we couldn’t locate at all.  I can’t believe it is seriously injured, since the only problems found on the other penguins were an ability to do algebra and a tendency to buzz under an artificial light — injuries considered negligible by any animal organization.

Boggs insists that since we can’t garantee the penguins won’t see sea lions on their round the world trip, I must discard penguins as an idea.  I did briefly consider using blinders to keep them calm, but given the vast quantity of animals in pens waiting their turns, I believe we’ll move on to something else.

Tomorrow — elephants.

Your son,

WW

My husband http://danhoyt.livejournal.com/20149.html?view=18101#t18101and I are doing funny, episodic, holidays-related entries for the next month.  Hope you enjoy them.

 Mr. and Mrs.  Gadge T. Wiggs
Elf Hollow

Dear mom and dad,

You’ll never guess what happened.  Not in a million years.   And I know you have more important things to do in the next million years, so I’ll just tell you:

On my first day on the job, here at the department of Fairytales And Unexpected Global Happiness, and already I’ve been given the most cutting-edge job on all of FAUGH.

You see, they are establishing — it’s very technical and probably secret — an entire project entitled SANTA — Sudden And Nifty Treats Allover — and for reasons known only to the planners, this means having a man (well, an elf, actually, but he is supposed to look like an aged homo sapiens) in a red suit, riding a sleigh, giving gifts to every child on Earth over the period of twenty four hours.

I will admit that some of what must be the exquisite beauty of the plan evade me.  I’m at a loss as to why the suit must be red, or even why gifts must be distributed over one night.  You’d think a steady stream over the year would be better for the economy.

However, Mr. P. Lanner tells me I’m quite wrong and at any rate, it’s none of my business.  Because I was made head of my own team, and it’s the project you could say I was created to do — I’m in charge of all the engineering for the entire SANTA project,

My assignment is to find which animals would work best with the magico/kynetic field of sleigh and maximize sleigh for both speed, aerodynamics, ability to land on roofs (another of those details they didn’t explain) and above all, ability to turn back time enough with each stop that the entire world can be covered in one night.

I’ve had my underlings gather animals from all over the world.  I can’t wait to start tests.

Your loving son,

WW